(A busy Hollywood office. Harry Anderson, 45, a grizzled Hollywood executive stands next to Richard Moll, 25, a young up-and-comer in the industry. Next to Richard is a human-sized item covered by a sheet. Harry smokes a cigar and drinks whiskey throughout the scene.)
HARRY: Alright kid, I don’t have much time here. I’ve got a meeting with the newest Deschanel in ten minutes and I’ve heard she’s even more “adorkable” than Zooey. What do ya got?
RICHARD: Well, you know how we’ve been having trouble figuring out who to cast in the upcoming soon-to-be classic New Line’s New Year’s Eve?
RICHARD: What if I told you that the solutions to all our problems were under this sheet?
HARRY: Richard, offering your wife to me isn’t going to solve our problems!
RICHARD: Not my wife, Harry…this.
(With that Richard removes the sheet, revealing the Cast-Bot 4000. It looks like a robot.)
HARRY: Good god! What is that?!
RICHARD: It’s the Cast-Bot 4000. All you’ve got to do is tell it the kind of demographic you’re trying to reach and the Cast-Bot 4000 tells you exactly who to cast according to their earning capability, availability and amount of their soul remaining.
HARRY: Does it work?
RICHARD: Well, give it a shot, silly!
HARRY: Okay…(Harry takes out a sheet for casting. He puts on his old man reading glasses and pours over the sheet.) First off we just want somebody to let people know that it’s a fun, light rom-com with a splash of heart. Just to get in the regulars.
(The Cast-Bot 4000 begins to whir about with plenty of bells and whistles.)
CAST-BOT 4000: Katherine Heigl.
(Harry’s cigar falls out of his mouth. He instantly sports an erection.)
HARRY: That’s perfect! Why didn’t I think of that?!
RICHARD: Try another one.
HARRY: Alright…how about a sassy lady for the over 45 crowd. The kind of lady who’s all “Devil May Care” that the housewives can live through and feel like they’re not dead inside.
CAST-BOT 4000: Michelle Pheiffer…Sarah Jessica Parker.
HARRY: Perfect! What about somebody those same housewives can swoon over?
CAST-BOT 4000: Jon Bon Jovi.
HARRY: Jon Bon Jovi? He’s not an actor!
CAST-BOT 4000: He plays a rock star.
HARRY: Amazing! We can get rid of our whole casting department with this thing! Now we need somebody to get the minorities in the seats but won’t scare away the housewives…
CAST-BOT 4000: Halle Berry.
RICHARD: He’s done it again!
HARRY: People who like “Who’s the Boss?” and being sexually aroused?
CAST-BOT 4000: Alyssa Milano.
RICHARD: People who loved Raging Bull and now suffer from dementia.
CAST-BOT 4000: Robert De Niro.
HARRY: Fans of long-haired beardos who don’t act like long-haired beardos?
CAST-BOT 4000: Ashton Kutcher.
HARRY: What about teenage girls and closeted men in their fifties?
CAST-BOT 4000: Zac Efron.
HARRY: I can’t believe it…it’s…too good. You don’t even need me anymore.
RICHARD: Sure, we need ya.
HARRY: No, I’m useless. Yesterday’s news. I don’t even have a reason to live. I might as well just…
(Harry looks at the window. He sprints right through it.)
HARRY: (While he’s falling) WE NEED ANOTHER BLACK PERSON…!
(Richard runs to the window. He looks at the audience with tears in his eye.)
RICHARD: Nooooo! How could he die in vain?!
CAST-BOT 4000: Ludacris.
(Richard whips back at the Cast-Bot 4000 in a fit of rage.)
RICHARD: That’ll never work! We’ll lose all our other demos!
CAST-BOT 4000: Call him Cris “Ludacris” Bridges.
RICHARD: That’s perfect!
(Richard kisses the Cast-Bot 4000 right square on its robot mouth.)
RICHARD AND CAST-BOT 4000: Yay!