via Bruno Dayan photography
This is going to be my first personal post in a long while, and it's not about sex or relationships at all, really. This blog seems more and more like it's going to turn into mostly a toy review blog, at least for now... I haven't really felt like writing erotica or about my and J's sex life. Maybe it's because I have someone consistent to share those sectors of myself with, now?
Anyway, I would have just written this in my private journal, but I kind of want to see if anyone who reads this might have something helpful to tell me. I apologize if it's a little long or incoherent.
---
I've been feeling a certain way for about a year or so now, but it's become more pointed recently: I call this feeling deep apathy. Throughout my college career, I've never been a particularly diligent student. However, for the past month or so, I've done hardly any of my readings. I've missed most of class. The last couple of days, I slept 12 hours each night, and didn't get up until about 3pm. I wasn't even tired, I just didn't want to get up. I've often felt like dreams were preferable to a typical, mundane day, but I feel that even more now. This morning, I had a dream about me and my family getting on a plane or a boat or some kind of traveling contraption, and going on a long trip. I dream about my family a lot these days.
Today, I know that I was sleeping because I was specifically avoiding the day. I had to turn in a few pages of fiction to a professor for my independent writing project, and while I had planned to write a page a day until the deadline, I didn't end up doing that so ended up with no pages the night before I had to meet with him. Typically, I would have stayed up until I had gotten something written, but I couldn't bring myself to do even that this time. Academically, I am going through the motions - doing enough to get by, to not get in trouble, but I feel like I've mentally checked out. I think I checked out a long time ago.
Click on the button on the bottom right of this post to continue reading.
I spend a lot of time in my room. I feel safe and in control here. I just don't want to do much of anything anymore... I don't care about social events at Zeta Mu, I don't care about blogging, I don't care about my work. I've let my email from distant friends pile up, which has never happened before. I don't take the time to dress up as much anymore. I've been neglecting my family and my friends.
I'd suspect myself of being depressed, but I don't feel sad, miserable, hopeless or awful. When people ask me how I am, I say "alright", and it's true. I'm just... neutral. If anything, I'd say I'm kind of bored or listless.
I can count the times I felt excited this term on one hand. When I got a job, which ensured I'd be able to stay on for the next term even though I'd have finished all of my requirements, and would technically be graduated already. Bizarrely, I've felt strangely happy on days after I'd had conflicts with J. He's had doubts; about whether we're "right" for each other. Some of the things we've talked about are things we can work on - others aren't. About those things, I feel like I have no control over. One night after talking about that with him, I went back to my room and cried. But the next day, I felt cleansed. Renewed, almost. Like - okay, I can do this. I can deal with this. It's weird that I'd feel calm and almost content after that, though. Why would I feel content about something like that? I don't like that J has doubts about us. I want to stay with him. So why the contentness?
I think maybe because, even though it's something unpleasant, it's some kind of upheaval. Maybe because even that is better to me than mundanity.
I'd feel more excited about my independent writing project, but... I feel like I'm doing it mostly for my professor, like I need to write something that will impress him and ensure he gives me good comments. I don't feel like I'm doing it for me. And I also haven't felt like writing at all. I've been blocked. And that's what I think my life is at the moment: blocked. I'm paralyzed, frozen, stuck. And being like this makes me feel like such an ass. Here I am, with this great education in front of me, a comfortable life, loving parents and a significant other... so why do I still feel like this?
I've sort of given up on college. I wanted to be successful, but even though I was smart enough to get into this college in the first place, I wasn't smart, talented or hard working enough to succeed here. All I've been doing is hanging on by a thread, struggling to get the work done... and it's not even like the work is particularly difficult in itself, I think I just don't know how to be a good student. But... I've almost gotten through college and I haven't won any awards, didn't do the honors track or a thesis, didn't really make any positive changes while I was here... My parents are proud of me for just making it through, but I don't think they should be proud of me. So I survived this without getting kicked out, or dropping out. Good for me, I guess. I know I've learnt an immense amount and grown a lot by being here, and maybe this is just the whining of a spoiled child. I managed to go to college, right? Something that many people don't to do... and a fairly illustrious one at that. And yet, this isn't how I envisioned college to be. I didn't do it "right." Therefore I just want to get it over with and forget about it.
It also didn't give me what I thought it would. I came in here wanting to be prepared for a career; wanting to be a better writer... Considering this is wishy-washy liberal arts, and I'm in the humanities (even more wishy washy, but unfortunately I'm not the science type), of course that's not how things turned out. I've been prepared... for what? I have no clue. I have no idea where I'm going to go from here. This is the first time I've probably felt that, and it's scary. I don't like it. I also have no idea how I'm going to get to where I want to be. I don't even know what I really want.
Next term, I won't be a student anymore. I'll be working about 26 hours a week, living off campus, and I will have more time for myself: to read, write, learn to cook, try and start running and losing weight, apply to jobs, try to figure out what I want to do next. I hope that will improve things, but I worry that this petrification will transmute to when I start working, too. What if I can't get myself to go to work? And what about after, when I have to get a real job? Will I be able to make anything of myself? Will I just turn into a deadbeat couch potato, who does nothing with my life? I really, really don't want that to happen.
This whole situation makes me sad. I want to be productive. I want to be accomplished. I want to be moving... somewhere, towards something... but I just don't know what to do to change this. I don't even really know where it's coming from, which, I think, is the biggest problem of all.
Related posts:
- A Journey We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion...
- Baby steps… I've made a decision, of sorts. I want to be...
- Wait, what? Really? Apologies in advance to twitter friends and other friends who...
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Just note that the povidone iodine will eventually stain the container after continual use. Make sure to rinse your hands after using it, but if you are trying to be completely sterile I would suggest wearing gloves while handling the wheel during the sterilizing process or washing your hands with the povidone iodine as well. May I also suggest using hot water.
I’m 
