ΛDΔMKΣRR
we build too many walls and not enough bridges, and one day, we'll crash into these walls we've created.
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You view things as a third person, and taking the third person's perspective means that you get to see everything that's happening; from the way the butterfly lands on a type of fauna, to the fine details of a person's face when s/he smiles; the wrinkles that reflect the person's life experiences, the dimples that hide behind the chubby cheeks and the crooked teeth that seem to fit so well with the person's face.. it's all crystal.
You go home and you review the pictures you've taken on your Mac and decide to do a little refining with Lightroom - a touch of colour here, change the contrast there, maybe remove some of those pesky blemishes on your friends who have warned you to QC the photos before they get published somewhere. Ever so often, you'd have perfect pictures that really don't need any editing at all. That makes life so much easier now, doesn't it?
Once you're done, you take one last look at the pictures in your folder before publishing them on Facebook. Of course you'd want them to be perfect, you are the one who took the photos afterall, right? You don't want to come off as a photographer that has all the lenses and years of experience to still be able to come up with slipshod shots. No, you don't want that. You scrutinise each photo thoroughly, to make sure that it's completely flawless. You're a perfectionist, and nothing that comes from you should be of sub-standards.
Okay, the moment's here. You've managed to find the "Add photos" button after trying to navigate the new Timeline on Facebook for the past 10 minutes. You select all the photos and tick the high definition option. Hopefully that will at least salvage the quality of the shots that you have meticulously put so much effort into. Publish photos, and now wait for the number of notifications to jump.
It's 3pm, and everybody's on Facebook in between classes. Some of your friends missed class and have just woken up. Being millenials, their first task of the day is to check their social networking sites, so pretty much everyone is awake and on Facebook. Your notifications stream in like the number of times Annabel Chong has had sex at one go. You get excited and check all of them at once.
"Hey is that you licking James' nipples at last night's party, Max? What the hell? LOL"
"OMG check out the guy in the background staring at you. He's totally checking your boobies out."
"I don't remember this."
"WHAT. THE. FUCK."
"Great photo, babe. x"
"Aw this makes me look so good, thanks hon!"
So the general consensus is that you did a a pretty fine job. But that doesn't come off as surprise to you, does it? You've been in this for a long while now and you've got quite a lot of experience.
"You're the best photographer I know!"
But that's all you'll ever be. You'll just be known as the "best photographer" and that's that. It's like a zone that you can never get out of. People will remember you as "the photographer" and the go-to person when they need someone to shoot them.
And that's all there is to it. You're the silent observer behind the lens, watching everything happen before your eyes, not always being able to be part of the photo. But you know everything that goes on, you hear and see everything. There are times you don't want to, but you're just sucked into it anyway. You either give up photography altogether, or hide yourself in a hole where nobody can find you.
Oh well.
I pondered over what lies ahead after my friends left my place. I've decided on a new motto to live by: what you don't know won't kill you.
That much, I understand.
We had our quarrels, our fist fights and hair-pulling, our version of screaming competitions.. but we always made up one way or another - be it through an intervention of a certain parental figure, or by just brushing it off and pretending nothing ever happened. We were still strong. It was pretty silly when you think about it, huh? I blasted music that you liked to the point where the ones in our neighbouring rooms had to intervene and tell me to keep it down. But I always said that it wasn't just for me, but for you too.
The small, ridiculous past-midnight cravings we'd have and discuss over the internet when we were just a few metres away from each other.. and then meeting up in Le Pantry to cook whatever we could find in the dry shelf or refrigerator. "Cook extra, I'm feeling hungry," you'd say. And then we end up gobbling it down within minutes, before heading back to slumber.
Like a muse to a designer, your influenced rubbed heavily off me. Everything you liked, was cool. You, were cool; the coolest person ever. I vowed to follow closely in your footsteps, and then make you proud of me. We were inseparable as I got more matured. We were supposed to have each other's back, on the same ground.
I never knew your dream was to live on foreign soil. You didn't let me in on that. It came as a surprise when you decided to pack your bags one day and leave. Life happened, I guess. That's the best possible explanation. Both of us increasingly lived in our own worlds, our own rooms, guarded by our own walls. Slowly, but surely, we drifted. It was inevitable. Coming home at 5am on drunken nights and landing myself on the toilet floor wasn't exactly the person you knew either.
The new found liberty after the pubescent years got to me, and exposed me to the world that you were once a part of. My eyes were finally fully opened to what you experienced when I was still standing at 1.2m tall. It was seductive. It was addictive.
And then there were nights when new characters (to me) whom have been a part of you saw me in a different light. I was no more that irritating brat. I was on par with you. I felt like someone, and I liked it. We liked it, because our conversations were no longer about how many fries I eat at one go, or about how we should really stop being rude to our elders, although sometimes we both couldn't help it.
Our conversations started circling about the future and about our unhappiness. They were on a different level of maturity that you so long yearned for. It was finally materialising, and your little boy was no longer young and naive, but evolved with a mind of his own. Only then, did we finally grow together.
When you got on that plane, I knew things were going to be different; not just with me, or you, but with everything and everyone else too. The room was left unoccupied for a very long time, and sometimes I would go in and sit on your bed, and reminisce. Like a dozen uncirculated short films playing one after another in my head, sometimes I would shed a tear, and other times, I would manage a smile.
Years went by, and I started to forget how you sounded. I started to forget how you looked, how you smiled with your enviable set of perfectly aligned teeth, your ridiculously Elmo-like giggle, your ability to rationalise just about anything (without having to doubt the least bit); your absence made way for a familiar stranger into my life. I didn't really like it. In fact, I was hostile for a good year or two. I didn't like how it felt like you were being replaced (not saying you were, but that was how I personally felt).
We ate together less. I was home less; and even if I was, my walls grew thicker. But it wasn't just mine, but everyone else's as well. The satellites were malfunctioning and communication was breaking down. Behind closed doors, grew a regrettable distance between myself and everyone. Slowly, nobody really talked and turned to consuming media like a hungry pack of wolves. I've never understood how the inability to allow air through the windpipe without rumbling the earth would be a legitimate reason to be apart at night. How did they do it when they were younger?
Did I miss something?
You were like the piece of a puzzle that brought everything together. You always were. Call me dependent, but it worked for everyone
Then he took over your room. He turned it into his personal entertainment den, polluting it with poisonous fumes from the addictive cancer stick. I remember how you were bent on prohibiting anybody who was still indulging in the bad habit into your room. You hated the smell (and you still do), and wanted to keep your room strictly smoke-free. I hated how he indirectly took the last symbol of physical memory of you away from me (besides the photographs that are still prominently hung around in the apartment).
We stayed in contact, that we did. But no amount of communication can compare to you being physically here, being able to read your body language during a conversation in real time. Skype doesn't allow the amazing aura and presence you exude through wires. Your physical absence has made the biggest difference in my life, and I can't help but wonder how it would've been if you were still here.
When you were back, almost everything was starting to feel like normal again. Seeing you everyday made me feel a sense of comfort that I haven't felt for a long time. Just for a while, it felt like home again. We were all under one roof. But I hated that you were sleeping on the couch every other night. You belong in your room. I cannot believe he didn't even give it up for your stay; how could he not? Or maybe he did and you rejected, but that room rightfully belongs to you, sans the stench of cigarettes in the air of course. I didn't like that you had to literally live out of a luggage.
You told me one night, that you felt strange. You felt like you didn't belong, and that made me very sad. I've been feeling that way ever since you left, and I know exactly how that feels. He spoke to her instead of you after a day out. We didn't exactly get the kind of day you expected it to turn out to be. Instead, it turned out pensive for you; maybe not to the point of feeling sour, but definitely pensive. You felt replaced, but I assured you that you weren't. How could you be? Nobody can match up to your prowess in life.
Just before you left, we sat on the bed in the master room watching the crap that was on E! Again, I felt warmth again, even in silence (and in between incessant over-dramatised chatter from the TV show). You said you didn't want to leave. A part of me hoped that you'd forgo the flight and visa that you came back for. You said you missed this; so did I.
Please don't feel guilty, I did not intend on bringing you on a guilt trip. I just felt I haven't done or said enough to show you how much you mean to me. I am happy for you, because a happy you means a happy me.
I've grown to understand that love is borderless, and that the greatest love of all is to let go. I miss us, Kakak; you're my heroine. Nothing will change that, no matter which part of the world you're at. I just hope that one day, if life decides to pull a big one out of its bag and throw it at me, I'd be able to drive down and cry on your shoulders again.
Alas, life, has to go on.
Love,
your irritating little brother.
I wish we didn't know the things we know now. Time travelling is a risky business if it existed, but I would do it anyway. Our dreams of a time machine will never die.. or at least mine. The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind needs to become non-fiction. That, or the rise of a drug that causes amnesia. Or maybe a surgeon as good, if not better than McDreamy, who can remove certain cells from the brain that physically retains memories. Either way, I would venture on that trip down the years and take my 12-year old self under my wing.
The 12-year old me would've been thrilled to meet me. He was one who was brought up to have an open mind by his/my/our Mother and grew up watching Science Fiction movies and shows. He was one that grew up too fast for his own age, always a step ahead in front of his peers. He was never in the present or in the past because.. simply put, he never really had a past yet. He was always in the future.
I would give him the 4-1-1 on the next 11 years of his life. No, I won't spare any details because he ought to know what was ahead of him. He was always the inquisitive one. He needed to know how things are going to be. I would tell him that he shouldn't do that, because once he gets older, he'll realise that life is uncertain. It can be certain to an extent, but everything else isn't within his means. Maybe that way, he wouldn't grow up to be so complicated and have complex thoughts about even the simplest of ideas.
I would tell him to live in the present where he should, and to make good of what was in the present instead of being so aloof all the time. He needs to relish the moments and not always be in another time. I would tell him that the future should be a worry of its own when the time comes. "You should only trouble over trouble when trouble troubles you," I would say constantly, to drill the idea into his thick skull.
I would tell him that arrogance will lead him nowhere. Being on a pedestal would bring nothing but a bout of burdens that he would have to carry for the rest of his life. His failures due to arrogance would be his eventual downfall. That, and complacency. It would turn even the highest of scholars into mush. I would tell him over tea that a lot of his personal failures were caused by these two traits and advise him against it. It would be a little too late to change at 17 when the dust has already settled.
As for the matters of the heart, I would tell him not to get involved until a much older age, when everything else is much stable (should he heed my advice). Experimenting at 15 would be too early an age to be meddling with affairs. "You might think you're mature enough to handle it, but oh boy.. you would be so wrong, my young me. You would be soooo wrong."
I would tell him to put his ego aside and pick up a sport. Exercise never hurt anyone, unless of course you had an injury. Sticks and stones may break his bones, but words shouldn't. Throw that pride away but embrace it when the team has won first place.
He would need to spend more time with his sister too, so that the bond would be much stronger than it is right now. Avoid petty quarrels, and even though she says she will love you nonetheless, he should want to be more involved in her life. Don't forget the parents too.
Should he ask about the future, I would probably tell him about Facebook and Twitter. I would tell him in detail how it works, so that he can develop it first and be the gazillionaire behind the way people communicate. He would've increased the rate of how technology advances and be on the cover of Time Magazine. I would also tell him to use a Mac at an earlier age because it makes life so much easier.
There are so many other things I would tell the 12-year old me, but there is only so much I can say or plan, until an actual time machine is built. Till then, I will keep planning.
But me being me, the 12-year old me would've grown up with so much curiousity with this new found knowledge. It would eventually kill him/me and short-change his/my life before he/I even hit 23. Then my existence at present would cease and I would dissipate into thin air before I can even travel back to the present.
Only then, would I know my goal was achieved.
You know that zone that you get thrown into without a choice at the end of the day when the air is cleared and lines are drawn; that you just don't want to be in after subconsciously having expectations despite overtly preaching against it otherwise?
Yeah, that zone.
You see someone on Facebook through a mutual friend and immediately fall in like with him for whatever reason because you're shallow. I mean, everyone has been there at some point right? And then you start developing a crush on the aforementioned person. Let's call him Mark. You become borderline-obsessed and check out his interests (and if you've never heard of a certain band that he listens to, you check them out on YouTube and MySpace profiles and religiously remember certain song titles and lyrics to arm yourself with "common topics" in the hopes that you meet him some day), his Twitter page, his blogs.. basically just about everything to get more material so that there'd be conversational currency should you meet him one day.
And you know how the universe works in such mysterious ways right? A friend once told me, that if you believe in something enough, and ask for it in your thoughts enough, it will happen. Not so much as a "fake it till you make it" kind of happen, but it just.. happens. "Fate," some idealists might call it. I wouldn't say fate or coincidence, but merely a way of how the universe works - in mysterious ways.
The club is always a great platform for making friends with friends of friends, and the like. Sleazy as it may sound, and how some people might agree that relationships (and friendships sometimes) made in clubs won't last, you have to agree that there are exceptions, and that it really is a good (and simplest) way to make friends; to actually have to TALK to someone than just reading off from their Facebook profiles.
My point here is, your friend finally introduces you to Mark. You get the jitterbugs, but not enough to make your legs buckle or to the point where you start to stutter and eat your words; just enough to make you feel a little warmer inside that you're finally meeting the person whom you've had an e-crush on.
And then the conversation begins. It starts off a little awkward at first with really small talk. "Oh so you're studying in UniMel? Ahh that's cool." Not like you don't already know that, but yeah, I get it. You don't want to sound like a creep and say, "Oh yah I read that from your Facebook. You also do yoga on Thursdays right?"
It turns out that your ammunition is working and he's taking the hits well. You talk about electronic music and Crystal Castles, which "happens" to be his favourite band, share a common interest in finding the best zhi char in Singapore and even talked about the philosophies he fervently believes in. You get a great beginning, and you believe you want more. There you have it, a friendship is born and it no longer exists only in the cyberworld (and your mind). This shit is real and you actually have a friendship going on.
You take it to the next level and act on the crush you have on him. Of course your friend doesn't really know what's going on, but you share this whole experience with your best friend instead. S/he supports you and tells you to go ahead because of all the signs - the attentive eye contact, the body contact when you say something funny, the furtive glances you caught which gives you an impression that he's checking you out.. who wouldn't get that impression, right?
After (finally) adding him on Facebook and exchanging numbers, the both of you start to text each other incessantly, greeting each other with a hopeful "Good morning" everyday and meeting up regularly just to hang out and talk. This goes on for weeks and you start to fall deeper. It's not just a crush anymore. Your decision to act on your crush has led to this; a deeper kind of feeling and an emotional attachment that you yourself cannot even explain. Who doesn't like the comfort of being around familiarity and companionship?
But something's amiss. Your guts tell you so, but you've never really trusted your gut instincts. But funnily enough, like how I've been mentioning how weirdly the universe works, your intuition is always right. It seems like the both of you are going somewhere with this friendship, but your guts were saying that it's going to land you at a dead end. There's no room for this friendship to go up to the next level. He never goes beyond what's expected of him as a friend. You crave more but it's.. just not happening.
So you decide to test the friendship. You kinda know the outcome but you just.. need a confirmation; an assurance that the possibility of having a relationship with Mark was more of an impossibility and a dream; a relationship that you've built in your delusional head.
Granted, you do so subtly (or so you think) because you don't want to lose whatever you've built with Mark as friends. So here's the explicit version of how your conversation might go, given that he's never been in a relationship before.
Scenario #1
You: Haven't you ever thought about experiencing what love is?
Mark: I mean yeah, I've heard about it before and how my friends face so much problems. I'm happy the way I am and I don't want anything to ruin that. I have enough family problems as it is, so maybe not now.
You: Yeah but you can't base your opinions or views on love from what you've heard. You need to experience it yourself before you can actually pass judgement, no?
Mark: True, but still..
You: ..and besides, what's a relationship without problems? That's like a fucking fairy tale man. In fact, Ariel had her share of problems too. They're part and parcel of life, and what makes up a relationship. You grow, yes, but in a relationship, you grow together.
Mark: Yeah, but I still stand by what I said.
You: I've experienced it and I've been alone for so long. Maybe it's cause I've been through it before and know how beautiful it can be, that's why I pine for it so much.
Mark: Yeah and I haven't. So I'd like to keep it that way for now.
He obviously doesn't get the hint. You guys still remain as close friends though. Besides, you need to see him everyday because he's your colleague. A month later, you find out he's attached and here he is telling you all about it. He never knew you were into him until that same day, when you decided to fess up because you were done smiling and listening intently to him, giving you the 411 on how it all happened, only to find out that all of your subtle hints and efforts, have gone down the drain. Why? Because he thought you were just being a friend.
Scenario #2
You: You wanna hang out? I mean you're gonna be in the area anyway tomorrow morning, and you live so far away whereas I live nearer.
Mark: Yeah but I gotta head somewhere else first to get some stuff.
You: Hahaha you can come after what!
Mark: Hahaha, nah. I'll pass.
Clearly, he doesn't want to be with you in a more intimate setting where you and him are just by yourselves, and staying over probably means something to him. You sound him out, saying he's just finding excuses not to hang out with you, and he blatantly just goes, "Ahh you caught me!"
#Scenario 3: Here's one where you put your heart on your sleeve for him to see, and then he starts to pull away.
You: I don't know what's been going on, Mark. But you've been pretty distant as of late. Did I do something wrong?
Mark: Nah, not really.
You: See? You're being all flighty again.Okay you know what? Ever since that little argument we had about being frank with each other, you've changed. And I take that as a sign.
Mark: What sign? What are you talking about?
You: A sign that you're drawing the line. I don't know if you knew this but, yeah I like you. I like you in ways you cannot even imagine.
Mark: Well.. I kinda knew that already. I put the pieces together, and your tweet.. that tweet.. was obviously a blow to me seeing how I just dropped you a text. It was too timely and too coincidental.
You: Yeah well, I was angry.
Mark: I don't blame you.
You: So that's your way of dealing? Just being all mysterious and going MIA in my life?
Mark: Okay look. I really cherish what we have in this friendship, and I don't want to lose all of that. I don't see you as anything more and I didn't know how to handle that. So I thought maybe I'd just give you some space to forget everything. I'm sorry but we just can't go on that level.
You've been FZ'd.
It's futile, and impossibly unavoidable. And like what I've reiterated a gazillion times, the universe works in mysterious ways. You can't change the fact that you're in the zone that can go nowhere but down. Two ways of how you can deal with this though: the first way, which I think is pretty noble as well, is to just suck it up and take it in your stride to accept the fact that you're just a friend. Make use of what you've built and since you cherish what you two have, just go ahead with that. A beautiful friendship is way better than a relationship that's forced and doomed to failure. The other way you can handle it is by just leaving it as it is, and walking away. What could potentially be the most amazing friendship you could have, has been terminated.
For the former, there's bound to be the "coulda, would, shoulda's," but that's all to it. Just mere thoughts and hopes. Let go of that, it ain't nothing but unnecessary stress that could possibly put a strain on the friendship. For the latter, it kinda shows a tinge of immaturity, but to each his own. If absence will help you move on, then get back when you're ready to be in the friendship. If you two have an understanding, then hooray for you. If not, at least you know that going on to the next level would've been disastrous.
The friend zone really sucks, especially when you're one who easily grows an infatuation for people.. You may or may not act on it, but when you do, you go all out and all these silly expectations come about. You start creating the ideal relationship in your head only to be slapped in the face with a plateful of disappointments.
You're stuck in the friend zone. Nothing's gonna change that. Take my word for it, I should know better.
When I die and meet my maker, I wanna ask three simple yet deep questions that only He (or She, because in the Fifth Element the supreme being is a woman, and she might be a Goddess) can answer.
Melancholic, neurotic, mentally maladjusted, disoriented, overwrought, all of the above.. I don't even know what I'm feeling. I'm not even sure if I am even feeling. I wish I could lie down with someone whom I can just blabber off with, float with, and talk about parallel universes with; and how the landscape of reality is simply too harsh for anyone and that we deserve to be on another plane of existence. Perhaps one where a utopirian (is there such a word) lifestyle is the focal point of everyone's agendas. Money wouldn't be a problem because money wouldn't even exist, and the riches - both tangible and intangible - will be equally distributed amongst everyone. There is no cycle of poverty - where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer - nor will there be any form of discrimination, stigmatism or hatred. The only kind of drama there will be is the kind where we love, and lose love. Everybody's thoughts will be out in the open and there will be no hidden agendas.
I like you, you like me, let's fuck.
We don't have chemistry, but we can be friends.
Cloning would be possible for the unfortunate. The extreme end of narcissm would exist and everybody would be okay. Nobody would be suffering from any form of inadequecy, for there will always be the one for everyone. And if there isn't, the cloning machine is always available. And this, exactly this, is the reason why I wished there was someone with idiosyncratic thoughts as myself..
..for I live in my head where I am sheltered by an impenetrable thick layer of bone mass.
I can't believe I almost had a panic attack the other day. I didn't even know I could get a panic attack. What's a panic attack like anyway? I wasn't too sure so after talking to a friend and trying to figure out what the hell I was feeling, and not coming to a conclusion, I decided to pull a Scotland Yard and did my own research.. that is, if you consider Wikipedia as a reliable source of information.
You know most of the things you read there sounds viable, but I always forget to keep in mind that some of the stuff there is pure bullocks fabricated by the likes of you and me. Heck, maybe I should write something in there about myself. What would I say about myself?
Adam Kerr, born and raised in Singapore to a complete and wholesome family and has a sister who is eight years older.. could never decide whether he was an orphan or picked up from a rubbish chute. Either way, he couldn't really believe he was conceived as planned. He always saw himself as the bad egg in the pretty basket in the store. Issues? Maybe. But his family is wonderful.
So much irony right there.
That's what I am, maybe. Ironic and contradictory, never keeping to a statement after saying something else. Fickle, maybe. I don't know. Actually, I don't know a lot of things. Do you know a lot of things? I really don't. So anyway, the whole panic attack saga happened and as I sat down with a familiar face, I tried talking out whatever that was going on but really, it may have helped but not really. All I got out of it was a feeling of inadequacy.
Inadequacy - is that really a feeling? Or is it just a really negative, low self-esteem trait. Either way, it's not something positive. Maybe it's the whole.. "friend zone" issue. You'd know exactly what I'm saying if you've been through it yourself. It's similar to what I wrote on Fever Avenue about having a relationship with someone in your head, and the repercussions should you not heed my invaluable advice at the end of not even going there.
But like I mentioned, I am the epitome of contadictions.
Well, we all falter and make honest mistakes. Dishing out an article like that actually takes a lot from me, seeing how most of my material is from within. I tend to implode and not explode most times, but when I do release, the angst I have is equivalent to the scene in X-Men where Phoenix has all that pent up energy within her and decides to kill. The amount of angst within me, and I'm pretty sure it surpasses daily needs from people much younger than I am, would make me even more powerful and indestructible than Phoenix, to the point that I could destroy entire universes.
Could that be it? The leftover angst from my teenage and NS days that have intensified with the daily stress of work and adult-like decisions?
I like dishing out smart-sounding and thought-provoking advice that is deep. I like sounding all philosophical and all, but as the saying goes, "It's easier said than done." And I understand that, really. I know you're coming from a bad place and the answers are right there in front of you and you just need to follow the next course of action. But you're being held back. By what? Maybe you know, maybe you don't. You only know you're.. being held back. A memory? An emotion? The familiarity of it all? Taking a leap of faith into unchartered waters? There are so many possibilities.
Uncertainty is the bane of everyone's existence. We'd all like to know what the fuck is going on all the time, especially when it comes to ourselves - our mind, body, heart and soul. When you find yourself conflicted with yourself, that's just too much to handle isn't it? If you're conflicted with somebody, at least it can be debated over. But if you're upset about yourself and you don't know what it is, the only thing possible is for a monologue. We all know too well what this monologue will end up in. Probably more frustration and/or the opening of the floodgates.
I already know what the trigger was. What I'm searching for, is the answer to why it was even a trigger for something that never happens to me at all.. well not sub-consciously at least.Wikipedia failed me (surprise, surprise), with giving me only symptoms, triggers and treatment. But I don't need to be treated. I don't need treatment because it probably was a one-off episode.
Some people also suffer from tunnel vision, mostly due to blood flow leaving the head to more critical parts of the body in defense. These feelings may provoke a strong urge to escape or flee the place where the attack began (a consequence of the sympathetic "fight-or-flight response") in which the hormone which causes this response is released in significant amounts.
..exact thing I did. I got out of the area, and oh did I flee. Pushing my way through the crowd like my life depended on it and jumping onto the pavement and taking a deep breath of fresh air like I've never breathed in my entire life. Any second longer in the situation and I would've probably imploded and nobody would know why.
Not even I, right up to now. And until I figure out what the fuck got over me, I will forever be in search of the emotion.
I look behind me, then in front of me, and heave a fucking big sigh. As I continue walking, I stare down and kick the stones ahead."Goodbye," I said, to the tiny rocks that really do not matter; for the days of our lives, they slip us by ever so fast like water through fingers, we barely take notice of the intricacies of life. There is so much beyond every crack on a side street, every defaced void deck, every blackened concrete building.. therein lies a story to be told; one that will transcend through the test of time and one that will inspire you. "Goodbye," I said, as I saw the tiny rocks before me, no more. I walked with my heavy head still surrendering to gravity as I observe the textures of the ground alteration.
"Goodbye" to familiarity, for change is always a constant. Hello to a new chapter.
I miss your writing. What do you want me to write about? I'll write one for you. I don't know, anything. I'm reading a friend's Live Journal and it reminded me of you; of how I loved reading your blog. And how I knew what it was all about. Do we write similar?
Yes; very similar style, very similar content. It's so beautiful. It's like, passive depressive. That's.. something new. What IS passive depressive? I don't know how to describe it. It's.. so heartening to read his entries. but there's always that tinge of sadness behind each entry. It's so subtle, but it's there. Cynicism? Not exactly, it's like cynicism and hope collaborated, and his entries are their products. Realist. Is that what it is? Cause I don't know. I believe so; sometimes it sounds sad. We are not particularly sad. We just see things as how they are. Those things, are sad.
I'm so sick of the word 'sad'. Why is it everytime I'm free I end up feeling all melancholic, and when I'm not, I'm either stressed or hopefully glee?
Lonely > Lonesome
Lonely's a temporary condition, a cloud that blocks out the sun for a spell and then makes the sunshine seem even brighter after it travels along. Like when you're far away from home and you miss the people you love and it seems like you're never going to see them again. But you will, and you do, and then you're not lonely anymore.
Lonesome's a whole other thing. Incurable. Terminal. A hole in your heart you could drive a semi-truck through. So big and so deep that no amount of money or whiskey or pussy or dope in the whole goddamn world can fill it up because you dug it yourself and you're digging it still - one lie, one disappointment, one broken promise at at time.
Gee. I'll know I'm okay when I'm by myself and I feel okay. Sometimes the space feels stifling doesn't it? I don't really know what to do. It's like when my mind's free, it fills itself with unnecessary emotions, only to be pushed out from a glass full of water - overflowing. But never exactly full either. Yeah, I don't know the solution either. I know that feeling, but I don't know the solution. I just hope someone can appear and, not know, that s/he is saving me, like wanting to find answers but nothing really.. adds up right. And if it's right, you'd actually feel liberation but, not there yet. Grit your teeth, and hope it passes quick enough.
But fast is not fast enough. How fast should fast be? It's like we're perpetually stuck. It's a wicked cycle. But remember that good feeling that comes along? When it comes, just go with it. Hopefully the tide will roll you out to the shore. I think sometimes the more you struggle, the faster you sink. Be okay to sink, take it in. Quicksand, that's where we are; move, and you sink faster. Don't, and you still sink anyway. Going with it will engulf you, you just need to reach out. I don't think I'll reach out per se.
I don't want to sink, do you? If I know it deep inside that I don't want to, I've won half the battle. I am indestructible, see what it can do to me. But, no.. choice. I don't know how to live in the present anymore. It's always the what if's and the what could've been's.. never the wow to the now. But no choices, is right. I know where you're coming from. It's more of a.. "Come at me, bro," moment.
"Already battered. I'm 23, still fucking up, still haven't shit out, might not ever. But hey, I'm still here, COME AT ME."
When you lose everything, you are free to do anything. Remember that time I copied the I Am Nothing post that Visa posted? Go read it again. We keep wanting more and more and more. Contentment? Fuck no. Give me fucking euphoria. But I don't think that's what is important for us now. We need to learn to just be okay. Contentment will take forever. But I just want to be okay - bad okay, good okay - just.. okay. Simple as that. But even okay seem unreachable. It's attainable. It will be.
Did you sleep enough? No, I woke up feeling pissed off. I really feel like leaving. It's the exhaustion and night. You just need a good rest, really. The night and exhaustion wears you out, and for some fuck reason, your brain goes into overdrive.
Written by Michael Lee in 2007.
There are five types of failed libertine.
The first type of failed libertine is unable (or unwilling) to achieve his aims, such as to bed the person he fancies, or to conquer a certain number or type of persons based on his constraints and/or criteria. The main obstacle for him is a mismatch between aspirations, abilities and strategy. We may call this failure an Underperformer, if not a Nonperformer.
The second category gets physically harmed - or even dies - from the process, which hampers the continuance of regular decadence, whether by contracting venereal diseases or getting killed or scarred by acid hurled at him by his spurned lover of his lover's lover. The problem here is insufficient care of the self. This one we call Reckless.
The third: a failure in life anyway, whether a libertine or not. What he badly needs is a basic sense of reality. The common term for him is a Delusionist.
The fourth kind realises in the process that he is not cut out for decadence, due to certain external or internal conditions. For instance, he may not have the financial means to support a carefree life. Or, he is easily struck by liberal guilt and so is unable to fully enjoy what he thought would delight him. For him, self-awareness is a lifetime's work. We can call this one a Loser.
The fifth falls in love. He's Most Pathetic.
Honestly, I am sick to my stomach about how society conforms to just about anything and everything. I will not be a hypocrite to say that I haven't, but I really don't have a choice. Choices; are they really there or does life just give us an illusion of having the ability to choose? Because from the way I see it, whatever choice you make, you're pretty fucked in the end anyway.
As I sit here night after night, churning articles after articles, stick after stick and bottles of water after another bottle, I take a step back and try to look at things in retrospect. My conclusion?
Everybody is damaged goods.
Seeing how I'm the person who loves to have systems in place, clear definitions and lines, I know I'm about to contradict my very morals and values in life. But I am sick of conforming to how certain things should be. Systems that are over centuries old have been tried and tested, but have they proven to work? Why is it that we have an idea of how things should work?
Everything is a process; the whole concept of causality - cause and effect, action and reaction. If I do this, that will happen. But if I don't do that, then this will happen. A million thoughts go through your mind and from something as simple as a word, a thought or even a song - mind-mapping into a hundred thousand other possibilities.
Is that what we call hope?
Hope is a nasty person. It picks you up and shows you an exhibition of possibilities only to throw you back into reality whereby the only choice you have to rid of all these "possibilities" is to pick the one that brings a great deal of disadvantage to yourself. At the end of the day, you're only mind-fucking yourself thanks to Hope.
On the other hand, if you have more faith in Hope (oh the irony in that sentence), and if you actually take the risk of putting yourself out there to make the wrong choice even though you've weighed out the pros and cons, you might see the great rewards it could bring, just like the pretty pictures painted on the exhibitions.
I've given up on hope a long time ago. But I do have my moments, the kinds where I would actually take a step out of my jaded self and become the 18-year old self once again. The kind of things and situations that I imagine and picture myself are beyond comprehensive. Back then I had no experiences of such sinister outcomes, but as they say, "Once bitten, twice shy." That's when I put things back into perspective and return to the wasted body of a 23-year old.
I have no hope, and I have no faith. I am afraid to be too happy because whenever that happens, something bad that is beyond my ability to deal with happens. I am not afraid to say I am afraid. That may not make sense but if you read it again, you'll get the gist of it. Yes, save the lecture about how everybody is afraid of what the future may hold, but I'm not even talking about long-term yet. Whatever that may happen within the short-term scares the fuck out of me.
Why?
Because of the choices that I will make, have make or in the midst of making, I already know the various outcomes. I know that one way or another, I am fucked. I need something epic to happen, or something exciting at least. I need to symbolise that and be able to hope again. I've lost all the ability to look at things in a positive light.
I'm treading on thin ice and holding on to a thread and I wish I knew how better to express my woes. But wouldn't that be selfish to throw your problems onto someone else to take care of? I am by nature, and nurture, not a selfish person. I do not like to burden people, so I've built walls, a fortress if you may, around myself. It's just one of those nights where I break down a 4m by 4m wall for all to see.
I wish I was simpler. I wish I was boring. I wish I wasn't wired to think of what someone would say after me. I wish my mind wasn't on overdrive. I wish I had access to get to a higher place. I wish Kurt Cobain was alive so maybe I could relate somehow and indulge in the catharsis that is his words. I wish my wishes were simpler.
I need something, or someone life-changing.
Been pondering over this for the longest time. I've covered it once before but I'm just.. pondering over it again. Aiyah I think too much for my own good, I know. I've been told a gazillion times over already.
Okay let's say you don't like someone right, like really don't like close to hate but not hate because hate is too strong a word to use in this context.. there's a few ways you can handle it, yes?
One way is to be completely honest with them, and tell them to their face how much you despise them. Let them know so that you know, at least when you're bitching about them at the back, you're not a hypocrite or a backstabbing douchebag. Afterall, you already told them in the face exactly what you're not happy with, and you're just "sharing experiences" with others.
And then there's the superficial, fake crap that some people might think of as being "mature". You don't like somebody, but you still talk to them. You patronise them when they talk to you. In my opinion, I don't see the point. If you don't like somebody, why do you even take out 1% from your effort bank to even bother? You could've spent that 1% on someone who you actually give a shit about.
I don't think that's being "mature" per se, I just think that's being very patronising and giving pity. I don't know what the reason would be for the latter, but maybe it could be because he doesn't have a lot of friends, but you don't like him and you feel bad for him and you wanna be there.
Please give him a break.
I think if I was on the receiving end I'd feel damn low about myself. If you really want to be "mature," why don't you talk things out and tell him exactly what it is you don't like about him, that's causing him to be socially inapt? That way you become a better friend and you'll learn to like him anyway. It's a win-win situation, no?
But alas, that's just one in a gazillion examples out there.
Here's another extreme end of the spectrum: The Hi-How-Are-You-Okay-Bye Friend. You walk into a club with a bunch of friends, and then you see an acquaintance who you don't like, hanging out with your other friends that you're supposed to meet. Do you, A) Ignore, B) Acknowledge with a nod, a smile, a wave or any other gesture, or C) Hug them really tight and ask them how they are before descending into a drunken stupor?
My guess your answer would be C.
Sure, you don't wanna make things awkward for everybody so you stoop down to a level that isn't exactly you to ease up the tension. Nobody wants a party pooper. But did it ever occur to you that your acquaintance/friend is only one person out of the whole group, where the majority is YOUR friends? So it really doesn't matter whether you ignore or not. Just, I don't see the point okay.
If you managed to read up till here, you'll probably be pondering over whether I'm an anti-social freak of nature human-loathing guy. I'm actually pretty much the opposite. It takes a lot for me to dislike somebody, and this issue, this thought, sentiment.. whatever you wanna call it, has been on my mind for the longest time, so I'm just putting it out there.
I usually don't believe in being nice to someone I don't like just for the sake of it. I don't see the point, so I just ignore. I remember cutting off a friend in some point in my life a few years ago. I saw her the other day on the MRT, and she was right in front of me and I just turned the other cheek.
I've decided to break this post up further with a Part 3. This is just too long. Also, this sounds more like a rant about my 1 and a half years of being an instructor. Let's just take this as the trials and tribulations I faced as an NSF Instructor.
Prior to the day we passed out as Sergeants, a group of us who wanted to become Instructors were talking about change. The system in which we were trained in was greatly flawed, and we did not want that for the future batches to come. So we vowed to start a revolution to change the system that would deem fit for the trainees to come and benefit them.
We made a deal.
On a personal level, however, other than wanting to make a difference during my 2 years of National Slavery, I wanted to have as close to a normal life as I could. Working an 8-5.30pm job was ideal for me as that would still allow my social life to thrive. Also, I couldn't stand wearing the damn bunker gear.
As I mentioned, the system was greatly flawed. One reason could be the change in the hierarchy - the course administrator position was taken up by a Senior Officer as opposed to how it was before my batch; a Junior Officer. A lot of transitions were made and a lot of information was probably lost in the transition.
Another reason could be the apathy in majority, if not, all of the Sergeants at that time. They pretty much had the "I'll complete my tasks given and that's it" attitude. They were not initiative by nature nor did they bother much about systems and change. Orders given, orders followed - that seemed to be the culture. Another culture I've noticed is to cover your own ass. Every man for himself, so to speak.
In order for an organisation to thrive, micro-managing is essential in my opinion. Sure, it seems like a daunting and meticulous task to carry out, but the benefits outweigh the effort put in.
I can never understand how some people lack a backbone. Do you have no dignity or pride for yourself? Here's what I feel is the best example to explain this: We're supposed to "kick off" our training at 8am. The normal practice is to let everyone start on their fire-fighting drills without even going through the process, stating that they should have read up the night before.
Come on now.
Reading that thick file of notes on how to perform drills isn't enough. For a newbie to read all that and absorb it all within one night? That's impossible.
And why do we practise this? Simple. If we start late (and in your eyes that means everyone is still standing around or going through the drill together in the training shed instead of actually being on the training ground carrying out the drills), and if our OC or any other Senior Officers were to come down, they'd screw you. But have you ever given a thought that, with good reason and a respectable tone, they're really easy to talk to and reason with and nothing can go wrong.
Why are you so afraid that your ass is going to be on fire?
Firstly, if the trainees go through the drill without proper guidance, chances of them performing it wrongly are high. And then we'd have to scold, and teach them section by section (and sometimes on a one-to-one basis under the scorching sun). Does that not waste a heckload of time? Secondly, making the trainees redo the drill will only make them more tired, which will lead to fatigue and no proper knowledge impartation. The sun is quite merciless in Jalan Bahar. Thirdly, everybody loses in the end.
A small effort by having a backbone could save all of this. Sitting down in the training shed with the full attention from the trainees for about 15 minutes will save a lot of time and trouble. You might say that our generation's very pampered and all, and that we pick up slower than the older generations, but change is a constant. What may have worked in the past may not work with our generation, I'm sorry.
You, my superior, are silenced by fear, and not respect. You need to man up and have your stand in your beliefs, or at least try to. From your actions, you rub this off to my fellow Sergeants, which made it difficult for me to work initially. It was hard to garner support from them, but thank goodness for my partner-in-crime, Warren.
Communication is another essential aspect to a thriving organisation. It is of utmost importance that the organisation shares the same values and ideology, other than just information, with everyone else. If not, how is anything going to be done smoothly?
There were times when the 5 of us didn't share the same ideas on how to teach a certain drill, and all of us taught a different way. How are the trainees going to learn like that? Wah lao. All of them are going to be so confused lah. There's 101 ways to teach, why don't we agree on one style and amount of info to disseminate?
I decided to tackle this problem by talking things out among the Sergeants first. We spoke about giving each other the fullest support in whatever we decide to do; not to gang up on our superiors, but to show that we all agree on an idea. We would discuss and bicker among ourselves and come to a consensus first, instead of being a one-man show.
Whenever we had our disagreements, we reminded each other not to tell each other off in front of our trainees to display professionalism. We would take the disagreements elsewhere, like behind the training shed away from trainees' sight, if absolutely necessary. Also, we agreed not to override another Sergeant's orders, but to first clarify with the Sergeant before giving out another order.
It's just professional and ethical to do so. Besides, it's also part of our vision to be professional.
Small things like this were NOT in place when I was a trainee. A myriad of instructions would be given from our different instructors and it would make life for us so difficult. I wanted change, therefore I made the change, and made sure the change stayed.
Also, although we knew what we had to do as instructors, our roles weren't clearly defined. So I decided to draft out a framework on who should be in charge of what along with a detailed description of their roles, so that the trainees know who to go to in times of need. We also agreed that, despite being in charge of a certain aspect, we have to be all-rounded, seeing how we're instructors.
It's almost like a manual.
The systems were put in place with my first batch, the 1st Section Commander Course. Implementation took quite a while because I had to first integrate with the culture of the other Rota (I was from Rota 1, and became an instructor for Rota 2, so we have very different cultures) before I could do anything. I've always lived by the notion that if you want to change something, it takes time.
You can't just walk into an organisation and expect people to listen to you when you haven't even tried to integrate, right?
So I observed, I learned, I followed, and I strategised. I first had to prove my worth by completing the necessary tasks and be deemed reliable before anything. Then slowly, with the help and support from Warren, we implemented the new systems.
At the end of it all, it was a success. We had our own after-action review (AAR) to decided to make tweaks here and there for our next batch of trainees from the 3rd Section Commander Course. Not to be arrogant, but to me, they were the best batch of Section Commanders I have ever seen. Everything worked in our favour and we were commended on our efforts.
It was a little different for 5th, though. Warren was pulled out to help another Senior Officer to handle other courses*. My main pillar of support was taken away from me and it was very different to work without him. Our Deputy Rota Commander was also roped in to handle other courses, so we were left with a senior instructor who was still pretty new to our rota.
This added to the plenty of hurdles to overcome.
My attempt, along with my other Sergeants who have been with me through the past one or two batches, to maintain and improve the systems put in place were in vain. It felt like there was a violent change of power and a resistance to adapt to our culture. It's one thing to be an experienced firefighter and wanting to change or improve certain systems that have already been put in place, but as I mentioned before, the least you could do was to integrate first.
I respect the hierarchy that has been put in place for a reason, but I absolutely hate it when people talk down or talk condescendingly to me. One thing I've learned throughout my years holding leadership positions in various organisations is that to earn respect, you cannot always lead.
You need to understand the ground and come down to the same level to speak. That's what makes a good leader.
If an attempt to understand how the Rota works and suggestions were given and discussed instead of being forced upon, I'm sure everyone would have given you the utmost respect and things wouldn't cock up so often. It was so frustrating not only for me, the Sergeants as well. And sometimes, the trainees, too. It felt (and looked) like there was a constant power struggle.
I must admit that it was pretty wrong for me to give up halfway, but I was really done trying to get my point across without much support from the other Sergeants. They were tired too and just decided to "let it go." In light of the day I was going to be liberated, I buckled and followed.
And following that, came an angsty Facebook note I wrote before my departure (please pardon the use of political election slang, it was during that period that's why, LOL):
It sometimes saddens me how the "opposition" are trying to destroy the system that my colleagues and I have put in place for over 2 and a half batches. The system has been tried and tested, and proven to work well.. no that is an understatement. It IS efficient; just look at 3rd.I don't know really know what has been happening since I left, but I heard a lot of bad stuff. It's okay, I'm done with NS and all I can say is..
Where were you when we were running our asses around? Sure, you took responsibility when shit happens, but when it's time to reap what WE have sowed, you just easily, take all the credit. Just when i thought, "Finally, we see eye to eye," I was once again, proven wrong.
We NSFs will never, see eye-to-eye, with you, the "incumbent" regulars.
Why do you even bother delegating tasks to us when you're only gonna take over in a matter of minutes?
1. You're new.
2. So what if you were an instructor before? That was a different culture, a different system. Welcome to the 21st century. Didn't anybody teach you the concept of adapting? I guess you didn't get the memo.
3. You should learn to sit back, see how things work in this Rota before wanting to make any changes.
4. There is no power struggle here, YOU are creating the struggle. You're the ones creating the tension and the distance between yourself and us.
5. Do you know how demoralising and condescending it is when you delegate something to us, only to be over-ridden afterwards? You have no sense of sensitivity towards your men who are doing shit for you.
6. We're not the ones who are doing this for our ricebowl.
I have had just about enough YOUR crap being shoved down our throats and thus muting us. It's not that they do not want to speak up, but it's because they have way too much respect for you. I didn't grow up in a Asian-oriented home, so my opinions will surface through my face and my mood, and sometimes my words towards YOU. I'm more outspoken than the rest (and you KNOW it) and whenever something isn't right, I fight for my stand. I believe with my departure, my colleagues will be stronger and bolder as a group, as I have as an individual. Don't blame me if one day, the entire group of instructors walk out on you like I have.. like N has.
You only have yourself to blame.
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On a sort of related note, it's not just them to be blamed, it's also us. I've thought about the other side of the coin too. It's so sickening to just follow orders. What for give us a SGT rank and make us instructors when we can't instruct? We are not just dogs of the nation, we have opinions too. I detest being the silent protestor. Leaders aren't supposed to be silent. Leaders are supposed to lead from the front. Yes you're our superior, but don't we also get a say? Shouldn't we be on level ground as you for the betterment of our trainees?
There should be room for alternate voices. Autocratism isn't the way to go. Like that may as well let you run the show without us right? Wouldn't it make things so much easier for you, having only regulars as instructors? Compromise works two ways. That's why there's a thing called discussions.
We used to communicate so well, but it's all going down the drain.
Footnote
*Other Courses: The academy doesn't only play host to train local fire fighters and section commanders, but we also take foreign participants and share with/train them our fire-fighting methods and capabilities. On top of that, there are other courses for Paramedics, HAZMAT (Hazardous Materials) and DART (Disaster Assistance & Rescue Team) specialists.
ORD LOH!
This post is obviously late. I've decided to break it up into two parts; the first being my life as a trainee, and the second being my instructorship at Civil Defence Academy (CDA). I have been a civilian for a month and 3 days. Honestly, I don't know where to start, but the past 2 years has been nothing short of, for the lack of a better word, life-changing. While I do agree that most of my time in NS has been a whole load of bullshit and time-wasting, it has indeed played its part in moulding and redefining my character and personality.
Sounds like a lot of bullocks, doesn't it?
I know I've complained a fuckload on Twitter on a daily basis about NS, but it has subtly done its job. My best and worst of times were definitely from my days as a trainee, training to be a Section Commander. I foresee this post to be a long-winded one, with fuck loads of memories, both good and bad, and some quite insulting. Hahaha.
Let's rewind to the beginning of NS. Wait. No, a little further back. Like, pre-NS.
I opened up the letter box and found a letter addressed to me. Opened it up and it went something like this:
DEAR MR ADAM (S88XXXXXH)
YOU HAVE BEEN ENLISTED INTO THE SINGAPORE CIVIL DEFENCE FORCE (SCDF). PLEASE REPORT TO THE SCDF BASIC RESCUE TRAINING CENTRE (BRTC) AT 101 JALAN BAHAR ON 9TH JUNE 2009 AT 1000HRS.
I don't exactly remember if there was a "please," but I don't think the government is that rude.. right?
Anyway, I stared at that piece of white paper and threw it on the floor. I was pretty puzzled because firstly, being the ignorant fucker I was back then, I didn't know what SCDF did. Honestly, I thought the fire-fighters in Singapore were from private companies (go ahead, laugh).
I was expecting a letter from the SAF (and now I'm really, really thankful that I didn't get enslaved into that force) and have to report to BMTC or something like that.
Secondly, back then I couldn't think of anyone that was in SCDF. Most of my friends were in SAF and some, SPF. I've heard many stories and what to expect and all that jazz. I was pretty much mentally prepared to enlist into the army, and not into SCDF. I'm one who likes know what to expect, instead of going into something, and it could be anything at all, without any knowledge. It frightens me.
So anyway, I got over that.
After the first month of the tiresome Physical Training Phase (PTP) that's modelled to "wake the sleeping muscles that we haven't been using," I was posted to the Emergency Response Specialist Course (ERSC) at the Civil Defence Academy (CDA) next door. It's a 6-month course to develop fire-fighting skills, as well as to build us into Section Commanders (and have 3 other firemen under our wing) in a fire station.
At first, I was very apprehensive about the whole idea of becoming a Sergeant. The first two weeks was pure hell as compared to the first month in BRTC (now renamed National Service Training Institute, aka NSTI) - push ups, running, heat endurance, mental endurance. I didn't know if I could even go through all of that for 6 months. I had half a mind of thinking up of an excuse to get myself kicked out of the course.
But I decided to push on for the sake of my own ego; to test myself and know where I stand physically. NS wouldn't be NS without physical and mental hardship. I started a journal which I swore (to myself) to write in throughout the 2 years, but clearly, as you can see how I'm describing pretty much my 2 years right now in this entry, I haven't kept to my own word. Only small entries here and there, most of which were thought-provoking and full of negativity.
So that's us. We were yanked out of society to see before us a lewd but vast array of personalities and eccentricities. People from different backgrounds all coming together for one common goal - to get this over and done with and get the fuck out of NS. That was our common ground.
That was what bonded us.
Posting: Jurong Fire Station
Posting: Civil Defence Academy (Instructor)
We, members of the Singapore Civil Defence Force, pledge to discharge our duties courageously and responsibly, when called upon to protect and save lives of our citizens. We take pride in our training. We are loyal to our nation.
Have you ever wanted to snap a photo of something or someone interesting and share it on your social media platforms like Twitter, Facebook, G+ and what-have-you without having other people knowing?
Thanks to the help of a friend and my Google prowess, I've found an app that can mute the shutter when you snap a photo on your Blackberry. The name is pretty brainless though. It's called CameraMuteApp. Click here to download.
Don't worry, it's free.
Once you've downloaded it, open up the app. Press the menu button and click Add 'Mute Menu-Item. Now whenever you open up your Menu, you'll see a Mute ! option as shown.
Reviews have however mentioned that it doesn't work with Torch and Storm. I don't know how true this is, but you can always give feedback here.
Once you've done that, open up your Camera app. Now, before you start snapping away, press Menu, and then select Mute ! Your shutter sound should now be turned off. Just make sure you mute it every time before you snap a photo because apparently, every time you close your Camera app, it unmutes itself. That's the only thing I don't like about the app. But other than that, it's perfect.
Now you're ready to be an amateur paparazzi. Time to snap away and become an agenda-setting social media whore!
First and foremost, I would like to commend 16-year old Ms Janelle Lee on her maturity and bold opinion on our education system. (read: An open letter to the Education Minister from a Secondary 4 student)
She has written to bring across her point about the flaws in the education system that she has seen "first hand". However, please do not read my reply with an idea that I'm being snide with my comments.
---
"For one, I have come to realise the serious emphasis the education system has placed on factual memorisation."
That is pretty objective in my opinion because, some of us actually understand certain concepts that have been taught to us by our teachers, so no actual memory work is needed. If you have good teachers in your school who help you UNDERSTAND concepts and ideas of certain subjects, it would definitely make it much easier to score.
Not every student has the brain power to that of one in, let's say, Raffles Institution. Okay, that's not really a fair comparison but then again, not every school has the best teachers. I mean, come on, let's be realistic here. Some teachers here don't know what they're teaching. For all you know, they've memorised what they're supposed to teach and just regurgitate to their students the knowledge with little or no explanation.
It's not fair to put the entire blame on our education system.
"..I have come to the conclusion that students are often not taught to ask ‘Why?’"
How can you teach someone to be inquisitive? A student will be inquisitive only if he or she is interested. Honestly, ask yourself, did you like EVERY subject that was being shoved down your throat? And for the ones that you didn't like, did you ask any questions? I'm sure you didn't.
It is human nature to be disinterested in certain subjects, and if they're not interested, why in the world would they want to know more? In the reality of it all, if you were nurtured by your parents to be an inquisitive person, to ask lots of questions, then well, maybe that would have helped. But it's definitely not the education system's responsibility to do so.
It's impossible.
"Albert Einstein once said: “The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity.” Yet, what is it we are doing to our students today? We are training them not to question, Mr Heng."
That's a genius you just quoted, mind you. Of course he would say something like that. He wasn't a genius for nothing, you know? Anyway, I think you've used that quote in this context to your advantage. The education system does not train students to stop questioning, neither does it train them to question. If you want to argue about how it has subliminal effects on our students, go right ahead.
I disagree.
What the teachers are merely doing, is to impart knowledge to the students - cold, hard facts. It is up to them to make sure that you understand, and the easiest way to do that, is to memorise. It'd be lucky if the students are able to grasp the concept of the subject at hand, and it'd even luckier (for the students) if they have a dedicated teacher who is willing to go all out in explaining (in more detail than the syllabus requires) to the students, or hold remedial classes after school.
I think one flaw that our education system has yet to review, is the class size in the various Primary and Secondary schools.
If you haven't noticed, class sizes in JCs, Polytechnics, ITE Colleges and Universities are smaller in size to improve teaching efficiency. Why can we not have the same for our Primary and Secondary schools? Lack of teachers? Well then, isn't it better to overwork the teachers than to mould less-than-adequate students? What's that you say? That the system is tested and proven to be good?
What ever happened to improving a system that is tested and proven, to make it better?
The attention of a teacher to a student can only go so far, and having 40-odd students per class does not suffice. When I was a student back in the days, I flunked my O's and decided to put pride and ego aside, to retake them in my secondary school. It's not that I was stupid or anything (or so I would like to think), I was just lazy and I had other commitments (i.e. CCA > school).
It goes to show that while you're nursing your creative side, neglecting your studies is a big no-no. I had to learn it the hard way. So in a way, our education system is trying to preach a wholesome education.
I decided to turn over a new leaf.
I got really involved with school and decided to concentrate less on my CCA. I asked questions - many of which were "Why is it like that and not like this?" and "Why does it work that way?" - and volunteered to stay back after school for a one-on-one, or a group remedial lesson with my teacher.
So you see, it all boils down to each individual. You cannot teach inquisition.
"I once had to do a Chemistry paper in which I was asked ‘Why?’ for many things, such as ‘Why is carbon a non-metal?’"
This argument is invalid. You should've just referred to your textbook or asked your teacher for more information.
"The most common definition of education is the one provided by the Cambridge dictionary, which states that education is ‘the process of teaching or learning in a school or college, or the knowledge that you get from this’, but I prefer the one found in the students’ favourite dictionary. Education itself, as defined by Dictionary.com, is ‘the act or process of imparting or acquiring general knowledge, developing the powers of reasoning and judgment, and generally of preparing oneself or others intellectually for mature life.”"
Well we know your prowess in writing an argumentative essay includes definitions, but once again, this point is invalid. The difference between the two which you have provided, is that Cambridge merely states the process of education, where was Dictionary.com describes in detail what Cambridge has already defined.
"No longer can we adopt the same methods it took us to get here. Instead, what the country needs is more thinkers, more creators. People who dare to ask ‘Why?’ and ‘Why not?’. People who are not slaves to change, but create the change."
While I am open to the concept of change, I think many Singaporeans still are not. I agree with you on our country's needs for thinkers and creators, but I think we must start with ourselves. Our generation will be the generation of change, and we should nurture our children the way we want our society to be, no less. I've always believed that our beliefs have been shaped by noneother than the parenting of the mothership and fathership at home.
I believe it all begins from home.
For example, if you want to rid Singapore of racism, stop creating a divide amongst the races and passing snide remarks in front of the children. Stop stereotyping them (i.e. Malays are lazy, Indians are violent and Chinese are dirty because they don't shower in the morning) and creating names (i.e. ah neh for Indians, cheena babi for Chinese and Ahmad for Malays) or using them as scare tactics to prevent your children from doing something (i.e. better come home early or else the ah bu neh neh will catch you).
Another example would be homophobia. If you want people to be more open to different kinds of people, start from home. Bring them up in an environment where they are exposed to everything. You, as a parent, have the responsibility to raise them up, and not to let them be subjected to learning on their own. There's a difference between teaching independence and letting them being self-reliant at such a young, impressionable age.
Everything starts from home. It starts from you, and I wish Singapore would focus more of that in their parenting campaigns.
"My friends are constantly telling me that Singapore has no talent. They are constantly swooning over foreign celebrities, actors and actresses, but in comparison, the support and fanbase for our own local talents are negligible, save for a few. I do not believe that Singaporeans lack talent. In fact, I truly believe Singaporeans are a talented bunch."
Your friends are either lazy, ignorant or just stupid. Lazy because they don't bother to search for them with the vast technology that we have in this day of age. Ignorant because they either don't watch enough television, don't read the newspapers or local magazines or aren't in touch with the local arts scene. Stupid.. well that's self-explanatory.
You can blame the local arts scene for not having a lot of publicity, but it's not entirely their fault. Funding for the local arts scene, albeit increasing, is still not enough. If you don't have the money or support from our own people, how do you expect our local arts scene to thrive? That is an uncontrollable factor, but it still plays a part. All we can do is start a petition, or prove our talents to the people in higher places.
You said yourself that you believe Singaporeans are a talented bunch, yet you comment on how our education system kills creativity and imagination. Our education system can only go so far, it is up to the individual's interests.
"Is this really what education is? Stifling voices in favour of appeasing examiners, memorizing facts to get that A1, yet all of these are forgotten by the time we start work?"
Math and Science are all based on facts. No matter how colourful you want your answers to be, they all mean the same thing. It would make marking much easier for the examiners too. There are platforms for the use of students' creativity, imagination and individuality; and all those are in the compositions that you write for your English and Mother Tongue examintions.
Why do you need to use colourful and descriptive words to say that "mass is a measure of the amount of matter in an object that is constant everywhere in the universe," or describing the properties of alkanes, alkenes, alcohols, carboxylic acids and esters?
"Another gaping flaw in the education system is the premise of character development. From the way it is taught in schools, it often feels like schools are introducing character development just purely for the sake of it, and not for inculcating values important to working life."
While I agree that education isn't all about facts and figures, our formal education per se is insufficient for one's holistic development in society. I disagree with you when you say that there is no room for character development. Everyday, when students interact with each other, go through daily experiences in school, their characters are being developed. They take a bit from everyone and make it their own. You can't disagree that all of us individuals are a product of everyone else.
We've taken something from everyone.
CCAs have been put in place as a platform for more character development and to harness the potential talent within each individual student. Most schools have made it compulsory for every student to join a CCA, but that is as far as they can go. Like I have mentioned in almost every point in this entry, it is up to the individual.
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While I am blown away at the depth of your open letter and your maturity, I have to say that ultimately, one's character development and need for inquisition starts from home. From there, when the child is exposed to the world and education, it is up to the parent to help facilitate his interests and strengths. And then it's up to the individual already.
Not everyone has a backbone, and some that do, are too afraid of expressing their views out of fear. Fear of contempt, fear of being sniggered at or looked down upon for having a different opinion. This fear will bring about hatred. I could go on in the context of the recent Singapore elections, but that's over now and I won't brood over the topic.. for now.
Like a wise character in a sci-fi film once said, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to.. suffering."
I was supposed to go out with Sy yesterday, but he had to meet up with some other friends who're leaving for London soon so we did a rain check. Ethan called me up about 1+ in the afternoon and asked if I was free for the day.
Jeng jeng jeng, life has its way of working doesn't it?
Since it was his birthday yesterday (mind you he celebrated it last week because the venue this week was fully booked, and he kept his birthday low profile probably to avoid being ragged in camp hahahahaha), he wanted to hang out and all. But me being me, it was only 1pm-ish and I don't like going out so early in the day lest I perspire like one dog..
I told him to come over instead.
After a whole day of watching YouTube videos, walking down my juvenile memory lane, filling him in on my BKK trip (will update once I get my hands on the pictures from Jasper!) and his life in CDA, we decided to head out to Timbre to watch 53A. We were having a LOL-worthy time laughing and reminiscing our own juvenile days with these few songs. Jesus it was so funny how we both knew the words to some of the songs.
Oh. oh. oh oh oh! Oh, oh. oh oh oh! Aiya, aiya, aiya aiya aiya! Huat ah, huat ah, kao pei ah!
So anyway, I decided to call an ex-trainee of mine, Amos along. It was funny cause he got all anxious to know who it was and the only thing I said was, "Your other cool SGT that's still an NSF is joining us."
Quek also another one lor please. We were chatting on WhatsApp and he asked if I was hungry. I was like, ahh fuck this let's just call him out to Timbre tonight too.
Throw in a little Warren and there you have it, a random gathering of sorts.
The night went better than I had expected. 1 SGT, 2 ex-SGTs and one trainee. Hahaha aiyah as long as can draw the line with in camp and out of camp that's fine what, no? It was great to see 53A again. I didn't know they've changed their line-up and included a new keyboardist. Fuck I pretty much embarrassed myself when I spoke to her during the interval.
But, as the title suggests, whatever I've talked about is moot without getting the point of the entire night, right?
So I was just telling Warren how I don't think I can ever commit to a relationship anymore (it was just a passing comment because I was quite annoyed with a friend on the phone) because I get so irritated easily. He mentioned how as we grow older, we just get used to how we are and we don't conform to society or people's needs anymore, so it gets harder to find a partner.
I thought about it and it hit me hard.
A few centuries ago, when I was uh, 16, I remember a friend who was in his mid twenties telling me how difficult it was for him to find a partner at his age; that everyone was looking for specifics and wouldn't settle for mediocrity. Either that, or the rest are already attached/engaged/married.
And now that I'm in my late-early-close-to-mid twenties, I finally understand. I've always been a "see it to believe it" kind of person. I learn best through experience. I mean, I get so irritated at little things and expect the other person to change, but then again I don't want them to change because I know that's how they are, so I'd rather move on. I don't hold on to hope like I did last time, and I think I'm pretty happy with where I am now (althought a little more would be nice). I'm not looking, I'll just wait for it to happen.
Fuck since when did I get all sentimental on blogs.
Moving on, I think once you've reached a certain age, your characteristics are set in stone and it's really hard to change. Ideas stick and criterias are strictly followed. Anything less, would probably result in irritance or rage.
If you're a slut, you're a slut. Period.
"I want a biscuit & I want a sweet, you & me, let's share this treat. Kopi-oh. Time for the fun pack song."
24 hours ago, there was only about 650 views. Overnight it has garnered over 47,000 views. Oh, the power of social media and the Internet. NDP songs have been getting worse over the years, in my opinion. But I think this year takes the cake. Ripping off a song by Lady GaGa? Seriously?
If it's their way of reaching out the Generation Y of the Singapore population, well, try harder. I feel so much second-hand embarrassment, and I'm sure I speak for many. And what about the participants? Most of them from the various secondary and primary schools were probably conscripted (like our poor fellow NSFs and regulars from the different forces).
I was pretty sure with Lady GaGa coming to our shores, there would be a lawsuit of some sort. But the committee probably heard the views from the ground and decided to look over their permits for the song and decided to retract the song from this year's NDP. (read: Lady GaGa Bad Romance rip-off ripped out)
If you wanna talk about patriotism, well, Kit Chan's rendition of Home is still my favourite.
I think they would have more cred if they did a Rebecca Black. I can see it now -
It's the fun pack, fun pack.
gotta open the fun pack.
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the fun pack, fun pack.
Fun pack, fun pack
Opening up the fun pack.
Everybody's lookin' forward to the biscuits, biscuits.
NDP, NDP (yeah!)
NDP, NDP (yeah!)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the NDP.
[update@1703hrs on 090711]
So they've decided to take the video down, as well as the song out of NDP (read: No 'Funpack Song' for National Day Parade). Thank goodness. Also, when GaGa was asked about the song, she said she liked it. Noooooooooooo (read: NDP song dropped.. but GaGa likes it)
[/update]
Posts
Your life is a gift; accept it, no matter how screwed up or painful it seems to be. Some things are going to work out as if they were destined to happen as if they were just meant to be.
- As long as I can get it through to her head and knock some sense into her.
- That's a very bad thought... Thinking you could be the catalyst to changing someone [even for the better].
When do you throw in the towel, admit a lost cost is sometimes just that? There comes a point when it all becomes too much; when we get too tired to fight anymore, so we give up. That’s when the real work begins - to find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all.
If only life was just a dress rehearsal and we had time for do-overs; we’d be able to practise and practise every moment until we got it right. Unfortunately, everyday of our lives is its own performance. It seems like even when we get the chance to rehearse and prepare and practise, we’re still never ready for life’s grand moments.
I’m going to tell you something about my personal life. My personal life is none of your business; the fact that I know things about your personal life is one of the great sadnesses of my existence. And the fact that you know about mine is exponentially worse, but I don’t see how we get around it.
You can’t prepare for a sudden impact. You can’t brace yourself. It just hits you out of nowhere. And suddenly, the life you knew before is over forever.
Victims of a sudden impact are some of the hardest to treat. It’s not just the collision that injuries them, it’s everything after. The centrifugal force keeps their body moving. Tossing them from vehicles, throwing them through windshields, slamming their internal organs into their skeleton. Their bodies are injured over and over again so there’s no way to know how much damage has been done until they stop.
The sun will rise tomorrow. It always does, and all the wishing in the world for the way things were, or for what they could have been, won’t change that. It won’t change how things are.
You can’t base the rest of your life on one desperate moment. God doesn’t punish people for being in love..
I’m not too tough. I’m a pacifist, if you want the truth.
There might be some loves that seem bigger than others or more complicated or harder to let go off, but there’s a reason they’re not meant to be. You cannot choose who you love, but, you can choose how you love them. And there are some people you can only love by not being with them.
Sticks and stones may just break bones, but the wounds from words never heal, especially when they’re words we hoped we never read.
These are the things we beg for; a root canal, an I.R.S. audit, coffee spilled on our clothes.. when the really terrible things happen, we start begging the God we don’t believe in, to bring back the little horrors, and take away this. It seems quaint now, doesn’t it; the flood in the kitchen, the poison oak, the fight that leaves you shaking with rage.. would it have helped if we could see what else was coming? Would we have known that those were the best moments of our lives?
I had a terrible day.” We say it all the time; a fight with the boss, the stomach flu, traffic.. that’s what we describe as terrible, when nothing terrible is happening.
It’s a little bit horrifying just how quickly everything can fall to crap. Sometimes, it takes a huge loss to remind you of what you care about the most. Sometimes, you find yourself becoming stronger as a result. Wiser, better equipped to deal with the next disaster that comes along. Sometimes.. but not always.
As babies, we were easy. One cry meant you were hungry.. Another, you were tired. It’s only as adults that we become difficult. We start to hide our feelings, put up walls. It gets to the point where we never really know how anyone thinks or feels. Without meaning to, we become masters of disguise.
Audio
Updates
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~alone time~6 hours ago
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I am not drinking tonight. I am not drinking tonight. I am not drinking tonight. I am not drinking tonight. I am not drinking tonight. I am not drinking tonight. I am not drinking tonight.4 days ago
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WHY IS EVERYONE SLEEPING. Kirky Sciberky Jason O'Dea Min Sung Joh Eileen Tai Molly Scoble Natasha Cooper4 days ago
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The best thing I love about Valentine's Day is seeing my friends in love. That keeps me happy. I hope everyone had a splendid Tuesday.8 days ago
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FYI, you can reach me at +614 3588 1748. :)2 weeks ago
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IT'S 18.2 DEGREES HERE. WHAT KIND OF SUMMER IS THIS!?3 weeks ago
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"Maybe emotions become so intense, your body just can't contain it. Your mind and your feelings become too powerful, your body weeps."3 weeks ago
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"Wisely and slow; they stumble that run fast."3 weeks ago
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"When do you throw in the towel, admit a lost cost is sometimes just that? There comes a point when it all becomes too much; when we get too tired to fight anymore, so we give up. That’s when the real work begins - to find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all."3 weeks ago
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"The sun will rise tomorrow. It always does, and all the wishing in the world for the way things were, or for what they could have been, won't change that. It won't change how things are."4 weeks ago
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the end is the beginning is the end
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Videos
Updates
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I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel. I'm cold and I'm ashamed, lying naked on the floor. Illusions never change into something real.
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Ugh. Someone stole my tea cup. Give it back I wanna make some fucking Chai. On a brighter note I found my utensils.
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Why are #Leos so fucking irritating?
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People touching my MBP screen; I don't touch your privates, do I? #petpeeve
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Everything's moving so fast, it's actually pretty hard to keep up.
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Saying "we need time to figure out what to feel" is irony at its best. Is it even plausible to "choose" a feeling?
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"I'm very down to earth. I'm just not from this earth."
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Linsanity? Seriously? Why do they always put names on these kind of things!?
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I am not over the fact that my fucking iPod got wiped. I think I'm going to FedEx it home and get someone to sync it for me.
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RT @YourAnonNews: Love all. Trust few. Always paddle your own canoe. ツ
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Look at @urbanbexperiment he is so wasted. http://t.co/caY1nW6s
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BIER PONG IN 48! http://t.co/9qyGNKAR
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We saw green fairies last night.
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My iPod just got wiped. 8000+ songs gone, and I only put 100+ in my Mac's iTunes. FML MY LIFE IS OFFICIALLY OVER #FirstWorldProblems
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The best thing I love about Valentine's Day is seeing other people in love. That, in itself keeps me happy.
