Scott Fogg

Writer. Daydreamer. Podcaster. Narnian. Whovian.

had an idea today...
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- Guess Who's Back . . . Back Again . . . Scotty's Back . . . Tell A Friend . . .
  
  May 10, 13
  
  It's been a bit, hasn't it? I just remembered you and the realization that I hadn't written in so long sent me into a tailspin of guilt. Granted, we've had a lot going on (more on that here). And don't think I haven't been writing. I have.
  
  Oh, how I've been writing.
  
  When last I corresponded, I was in the middle of the second draft of Phileas Reid. I'm still in the second draft of Phileas Reid. I've taken a small break from Phileas to write a web series. It's a story I had three years ago (or longer, depending on when you're reading this) back in the spring of 2010, but I've sat on it till now.
  
  It's called Illumination, Inc. and the reason I've sat on this sci-fi rom-com for so long is that I've had a hard time figuring it out. The story hasn't changed, but I've had a hard time figuring out how to tell it. The original thought and outline for the story was as a feature-length film. But not having the money to bring that film into fruition kept me from committing too much time to writing it. So I flirted with turning into a novel or a graphic novel but neither really seemed to suit it.
  
  Illumination, Inc. is and was always a cinematic story idea. So when I heard that Point of View Pictures, the production company run by my long-time partner-in-crime Tom Goddard, was gearing up to produce a web series this summer, inspiration struck. I called up Tommy and pitched him Illumination, Inc. He loved it, which meant I had to write it.
  
  Knowing that you're writing for a production that doesn't have a budget, you really need an idea that's bigger than the story you're telling. That's the key element in all my favorite independent films. The writer/director finds a big idea and then uses a small story to explore that idea. The big idea overshadows the small story and makes the entire production seem grander. For great examples of this, check out Pi, Primer, Reservoir Dogs and District 9. Another way to distract from your small budget and small production is to fill your production with talent. See also: Garden State and Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.
  
  At the heart of Illumination, Inc. is the idea of being able to control your dreams and live out whatever fantasies you have. You couple that with the romantic idea of finding the person of your dreams and you have the basic foundation of the web series.
  
  Illumination, Inc. will be a seven episode web series that will be filmed locally (in and around Chattanooga, Tennessee) this summer (2013). Post production is scheduled to begin in August with a tentative release scheduled for this fall.
  
  You can check out the website for it here, like it on Facebook here, and follow my (hopefully) more regular writing updates here.
- Second Drafting
  
  Nov 28, 12
  
  I'm reading the first draft and boy, is it rough. There's the occasional passage or paragraph that makes me smile with pride, but most of these sentences are making my shudder. I still like the story and I try to remind myself of that: This story is good. It just needs to be told better. The reader deserves that. And I need to be able to sleep at night, knowing I've crafted the best book I could and that it's not out there, embarrassing me.
- Fever Dream
  
  Nov 13, 12
  
  I was in my house. It was one of those situations where you've never been in the building before, but you intrinsically know that it's your home. I was all alone, wandering the empty halls and rooms looking for something. In the nursery, I found a chest. In the chest were old yearbooks, photographs, and the thing I had been looking for: A beat-up notebook.
  
  I began flipping through the notebook. It was filled with old and abandoned ideas. There were story outlines, character descriptions, and questions that had once meant something to me but now I couldn't remember what they were connected to. Exploring the notebook filled me with an intense melancholy. There was so much unfulfilled potential.
  
  Then, as if alive, the pages began pulling away from me. They ripped themselves out of the book. They began flying around the room. As they flew, they filled the room. It was an avalanche of ink-filled paper. I tried to crawl to the door, but the ideas couldn't sustain my weight. I began to sink. I tried to swim, but to no avail.
  
  I woke up, sweaty and clammy. My fever was broken and a deep, disturbing chill was clinging to my chest.
- Artist Needed!
  
  Nov 06, 12
  
  As I begin the second draft of Phileas Reid Knows We're Not Alone, I want to get the ball rolling on the next step, which is publication. The dream, of course, is to be able to walk into any given book store and find copies of this adventure in the young adult section -- which means I'm preparing myself for a lot of rejection letters from a lot of major publishing companies.
  
  But I want them to understand what they'll be saying "no" to, should they -- when they -- opt to say "no." I want to put together a mock book for them. I'll send the manuscript in several formats for their own ease of reading, but I also want to send them the most complete idea of what the book could and can be. I also want to edit together a teaser trailer/pitch for them to watch, using all this same art. I want it to be hard for them to say "no, thanks."
  
  Which brings me to the subject line of this post: I need an artist. You don't need to have any kind of professional experience. This is going to be my first book, it could be your first book too. I'm looking for strong character and graphic design.
  
  Because, ultimately, everyone might say "no" to this book. But I believe in it. I believe in the characters and I believe in the story. While still a bit rough, I think it's great. So if the publishers don't want it, we're going to Kickstart or Indiegogo or fundraise it ourselves and publish and sell it ourselves. And if that's what happens, we'll already have the cover art.
  
  So if you're interested, or know someone you think might be interested, please pass this blog post on. You, or they, can contact me at tsfog@gmail.com. We'll discuss terms, rates, and swap ideas to find out if this is the right project for us.
  
  Thanks!
- End of Draft 1
  
  Nov 01, 12
  
  Stop looking at me like that. I haven't been ignoring -- well, okay, actually, that's a lie. I have been avoiding you, but it's been for a good cause. I've just completed the first draft of what will hopefully be the first of many adventures of Phileas Reid. It started like this:
  
  And ended like this:
  
  I've had a great many distractions, but I've finally completed the first draft. It only took me seven months. I feel like I should have been able to write it faster, I may have even gone an entire month without writing anything at all, so distracted and exhausted was I from the link above. But it's done. Not completely not at all, but it's done.
  
  I'm going to give myself a week or so before I sit down and read the entire thing start to finish. I need to find all of its weaknesses and bludgeon them into perfection. To accomplish this, I need to be more subjective. I already know there's far too many "he said" and "she said." But I want to be able to see what plot points don't work or what story elements need to be strengthened or what characters I completely forgot to give a satisfactory ending to. Not only am I giving myself a week before reviewing it, I've sent it to a few near, dear, and trusted friends who will not think twice in crushing my spirit with their merciless reviews.
  
  Then . . . then it's off to the publishers and my dreams will be in the hands of English majors.
- First Draft Hollywood
  
  May 19, 12
  
  I'm not sure if I like pretending these are from someone who can't remember how the script really went, or if these are from some abandoned first draft of these now-famous scripts. The first one (from Apocalypse Now) came from Stop Podcasting Yourself. The rest (and future ones) are mine.
- Writing Soundtrack
  
  Nov 01, 12
  
  Everything I write has a soundtrack. I find music that matches the tone of what I'm writing and create a playlist that I'll listen to as I write. It's not something I stick to fanatically, if I'm in the mood to listen to Henry Jackman's score for X-Men: First Class, then I listen to Henry Jackman's score for X-Men: First Class.
  
  But sometimes I need something to remind me why I'm writing what I'm writing. Or I need something to remind me of what tone I'm trying to strike with this story. When I'm writing about the kids on Oasis, I listen to the music of Michael Giacchino and Ramin Djawadi. When I'm writing the adventures of Doctor Phileas Reid, the playlist is almost exclusively Alan Silvestri and Murray Gold.
  
  It helps me. Maybe it'll help you, too.
- The Scent of a T-Shirt
  
  Apr 04, 12
- BORING DVD ART: Spider-Man
  
  Apr 02, 12
  
  Sony has just announced that they are releasing Sam Raimi's Spider-Man trilogy on Blu-Ray. Never mind they've already released it on Blu-Ray. This set comes with new special features never before seen on Blu-Ray! And "hey, I just bought PhotoShop, I wonder what I can do with it" cover art.
  
  First, the original DVD art for the trilogy:
  
  Say what you will about these movies (I enjoy them all but love the first two), this is some great cover art. Simple, stylized, iconic, and compelling. They make you want to pick them up, turn them over, and find out more about this red and blue tight-wearing superhero. What does Sony choose over these for their "new and improved" Blu-Ray release?
  
  What the what?
  
  Who signed off on these? It's as if Sony is trying to retroactively make everyone hate Sam Raimi's trilogy.
  
  You can get even more info over at Marvel.com.
- The Scent of a Facebook Banner
  
  Apr 04, 12
  
  Created this for The Scent of Lavender's Facebook page. Feels good to be PhotoShopping again.
- On Freedom
  
  Mar 28, 12
  
  I've become increasingly perplexed by America's curious relationship with the concept of freedom. We believe we are absolutely entitled to it and that no-one can take it away and to even suggest we forfeit certain privileges is a violation of our constitutional rights. We've become so far removed from the events that created and sculpted the Constitution (not to mention the Bill of Rights) that we've forgotten the colossal sacrifices previous generations have had to make.
  
  "Sacrifice" is another word that seems to have been co-opted by a specific group of people. "Sacrifice," especially when it relates to "freedom" now only applies to the men and women in our military. I in no way want to downplay the significant role the military has played in securing not only our freedom but the freedom of others around in the world. What men and women in the military (along with their families) have sacrificed these 300 years is incalculable. I recognize that and am humbled by it. But what of the civilian sacrifices? What about the men and women who have lived in this country who have had to sacrifice certain freedoms for the greater good of society? What about the minority groups who have had to live in the shadow of the majority, hoping to one day have the equal rights the majority of Americans enjoy? What about the sacrifices activists have had to make to ascertain equal liberty for all American citizens?
  
  A sense of entitlement is infecting America. The sense of entitlement isn't specific to one party or one group of people. Everyone feels entitled to something. What's disturbing about the "entitlement" phase of our relationship to freedom is that it negates any sacrifice I might have to make but demands the sacrifice of others. Why do we feel so entitled? What have we done to earn or deserve this freedom? And if the majority are entitled to these freedoms, why isn't the minority entitled to such freedom?
  
  You religion. Your guns. Your right to an abortion. Your right to marry whoever you choose. Your health. Your privacy. Your education. Your right to speak your mind. Your job. The money you earn. Your home. Your comfort. A trial with a jury made up of your peers in which you are innocent until proven guilty. The safety net of welfare.
  
  What would you be willing to sacrifice for the freedom of others?
- In Tense
  
  Mar 26, 12
  
  I've been struggling to find my narrative voice. I never had a creative writing teacher that challenged me (except the exceptional Dr Byrd) and so I've had to find my own voice and my own style when it comes to my writing. It seems like such a natural, why-should-anyone-have-to-worry-about-that sort of thing.
  
  For the last ten years, I've cultivated my "screenwriter" voice, a voice that speaks to directors, producers, and actors. It tells everyone involved in the filmmaking process exactly what they need to know, painting a vivid picture of the scene, explaining why and how it's happening, but ultimately leaves the specifics up for interpretation. For a screenplay, that's fine. For a screenplay, that's great. But I like prose that's vivid. I like words that come alive and transport you somewhere as they paint intricate scenes, characters, and locations. While books are a medium for the imagination, I crave specificity.
  
  Which is why I've been struggling with the opening chapters of Oasis (its working title). The words aren't connecting. Everything feels clunky and everything sounds like I'm trying so hard -- which is, quite frankly, something new for me. Writing is easy. It's exciting. It's relaxing. It's freeing. It's not hard work.
  
  Kelly kept telling me to relax and stop thinking about it. "That's when you write your best stuff," she said, "when you just have fun with it." But I couldn't. I couldn't have fun with it. I wrestled with every sentence, despite the fact that the story I'm telling is a fairly light one, filled with drama and childhood trauma, sure, but I want to veer more into adventure than horror.
  
  Then I figured it out. I needed to let my characters tell the story. Specifically, I needed to let Benjamin Blakeney, the eyes and ears of the story, tell the story. He needed to use his own words. Switching from third person to first person was a game-changing decision that has made all the difference in the world. Now the scenes and the dialogue just flow from my finger tips, as usually do.
  
  I just needed to stop trying and just do.
- Catching Up
  
  Mar 22, 12
  
  It's been a bit.
  
  I'm not ignoring you, I just haven't had much to report. I've been spinning my wheels with very little traction to be found. I've had a couple of projects fail to get off the ground and I've found myself in the kind of gloom only John Cusack in High Fidelity can rescue me from.
  
  But I've started writing again. I've often flirted with this idea that I call "Oasis" and I've just decided to sit down and make a young adult novel out of it. If you follow me on Twitter (@ScottishFogg), I've been posting word count updates at the conclusion of every night. It's my way of boring my followers and keeping myself honest. If I have to report progress (or the lack of) on a nightly basis, I find myself compelled to write. I hate not updating the word count but I hate updating the word count with a nearly insignificant increase even more. And while I have ideas every day, sometimes I don't. But I still need to be writing and there days when writing is just putting one word in front of another until you stumble on another great idea. Drafting will, hopefully, fix those boring bits.
  
  I've also been approached about acting in the upcoming web series The Scent of Lavender. It's a bit of a murder mystery -- which is outside the realm of entertainment I usually find myself in so I'm excited. I'm also excited to be acting again, without worrying about the script or directing or editing or . . . anything else really. I've been working on some promotional art for the series and I'm an administrator for the series' Facebook page, but that is such a light load when compared to all the other hats I usually wear when I'm involved in a project.
  
  Anyway. I'm off. I'll try to not let so much time go by between now and my next post.
- McKay Books: You Never Know . . .
  
  Feb 13, 12
  
  My latest commercial for McKay. I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out.
- Blue
  
  Feb 03, 12
  
  A day doesn’t go by where I don’t write something. Usually it’s part of some bigger plan (a web series, a graphic novel, a feature film) and usually it ends up being discarded or forgotten about. Most of the things I’ve written are now collected cyber dust on my hard drive.
  But every once in a while, I get to be part of something special. Enter Tanya Musgrave. She came to me a little over a year ago with a short story that she wanted to adapt into a short film. We went back and forth and I wrote three or four drafts of the script before she put the final touches on it and put it into production. I feel a little strange saying that it’s a gorgeous, wonderful film in every way possible — but it is. I'm not saying that because I helped write it, I'm not saying that because I know the original story it came from and I'm not saying that because I dearly love every one on the crew. I'm saying that somehow that crew and those actors were able to take my rough words and inappropriate jokes and turn it into this:
  Check it out and make note of all those cast and crew members at the end. They’re names everyone’s going to be talking about in a few years.
- Writing Novels Graphically
  
  Jan 11, 12
  I remember the first time I told my mom I had bought a graphic novel. She didn't hear the term "graphic novel" as a singular noun. She instead heard the adjective graphic being applied to the noun novel. She got real pale and asked what the content of the book was and, "do you . . . you know . . . have any questions?"
  
  After assuring her that the novel was not actually graphic, it was just filled with graphics, she calmed down a bit and then muttered, "they need to call it something else."
  
  I love the graphic novel. I love comic books in general, but the graphic novel specifically speaks to me. As I get older, I find myself slowly growing away from the tights and the fights of superheroes and find myself gravitating towards the quiet introspection of graphic novels. I didn't understand the appeal of cozying up to a book until I discovered books like Craig Thompson's Blankets (or his Habibi, for that matter).
  
  I can read a graphic novel as quickly or as slowly as I want. I can speed through the sparsely-worded pages and claim (too proudly) that "I read an entire book in an afternoon," or I can take my time and let the words and art work in tandem to take me places I've never been before and give me ideas I've never pondered before.
  
  I have received so much from the time I've spent with my comic books and graphic novels that I have decided that it's time I give something back. It's time for me to write my comic book -- or my graphic novel.
  
  There is, however, a problem. Two problems, actually.
  I cannot draw.
  I do not know how to write a comic book script.
  Problem 1 is more insurmountable than 2. Problem 2 can be fixed by applying what I know about writing a film script with what I will learn from reading a few books. Problem 1, though, requires finding someone that (A) I like (B) I get along with (C) I trust (D) trusts me (E) is willing to take this leap of faith with me.
  
  So I'm going to get to reading and writing and . . . seeing to Problem 1.
- Trying Not To Write
  
  Dec 30, 11
  
  Beware. Abrupt subject changes lie ahead.
  
  I'm trying not to write tonight. It's Sabbath. But when my mind's a whirl (as it is now), it's hard for me to do anything but. There can be no rest. There can be no relaxation. There can be no idle hands. Because try as I might to push the fear far from mind, I can't help but fret that an idea that's not written down is an idea that's bound to be forgotten -- and I don't subscribe to my wife's notion that "if I forget it, then it wasn't worth remembering." I am convinced I have lost entire Dickensian novels for lack of a piece of paper.
  
  It's the holidays. Tomorrow is the last holiday of 2011 (and the last day of the entire year, for that matter). It's been a bittersweet holiday season (much like most of 2011, for that matter). My grandmother moved into assisted living last month and we went and visited her in San Antonio the week before Christmas. As surreal as it was to see her so small and frail, I really hope to have what she has. She has lived a long and rich life and has created for herself a large, warm, and caring family. I don't know how she views her life, but I do know that she thanks God for it every night. The Fogg family has had its share of bumps and rattles in its travel down the road of life, but I believe we are richer for the journey and I hope she does too.
  
  2012 can't get here fast enough. I believe in 2012. I believe it's going to be a big year. As I said on Facebook recently, I expect big things from 2012, so expect big things from me.
  
  Loren's and my podcast is going strong. Spinning out of that podcast is a new podcast which Dean Trippe and I are currently planning and trying to iron the logistics out on. Season 1 of The Ruffians went well and I'm trying to figure out what a season 2 might hold . . . You Being You also hasn't gone away, despite there not being a new video in some time. I'm still looking for subjects and if you know someone (or are someone) who you think has something to share, drop me a line! I'm also in production on a children's book, which we will be shopping around (I'm guessing) in early 2012. I'd love to see that in book stores.
  
  I've grown weary of the world's negativity and cynicism. I'm currently outlining a story that I would like to use to combat some of that negativity. Only problem with this story is I need a comic book artist to help me see it into fruition. Expect to see me on the lookout for one of those in the near future.
  
  Sigh. I should probably go to bed. But Michael Giacchino's exquisite score for Up is only half-finished and I haven't the heart to turn it off. I'll see it through to the end and see how I feel then.
- Great McKay Finds
  
  Dec 14, 11
  
  New promo video I put together for McKay. It's pretty self-explanatory. I had a different idea at first, but when the information I needed for that didn't come through, I turned to Twitter!
  
  And Twitter saved the day.
- The Trouble With Sleep Is
  
  Dec 27, 11
  
  It eludes me.
- Why The Ruffians
  
  Dec 06, 11
  
  Three days before we shoot episode 3, I thought I'd sit down and explain why I'm telling The Ruffians' story. But I'm not interested in releasing this information right away, so I'm post-dating this blog entry to be released on my 31st birthday.
  
  Most people know me as a giant dork. That's the aura that surrounds me. It doesn't take long, though, to cut through the layers of Doctor Who and Superman to discover what makes me tick. The people who know me best know me as a left-leaning Christian who belongs to the Seventh-Day Adventist Church who has found his calling as a writer. Any time I sit down and write something, it comes from a place of deep moral responsibility to our fellow man and our Creator. Which is why, on the surface, The Ruffians has some people scratching their heads.
  
  Very simply put, The Ruffians comes from the same place Remnants, Nighthawks, Berashet, and Martyrs came from. But while each of those had elements of hope and beauty intertwined with them, The Ruffians is my view of the world, my view of society, as it tries to distance itself from God.
  
  Before we even get to the characters themselves, it's a show about hitmen -- people who are paid to kill other people. The hitman has been glamorized in a multitude of television shows and movies, but I couldn't think of a more perfect metaphor for the toxicity and selfishness of man.
  
  My characterization starts with SOFIA TOWNSEND, as played by Rachel Komorowski. Sofia doesn't want any responsibility. She wants to show up, do her work, and go home. The less she knows, the less she can be held accountable for. In trying to compartmentalize her life, she seeks ways to excuse herself from the bigger picture.
  
  ALEXANDER GREENE, as played by Corey Newmyer, is the post-modern man. He, like Sofia, doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions. He is beholden unto no-one but himself. But he has this nagging voice in the back of his head telling him that he's wrong, or that something in his life is wrong (personified by Tenika Dye). And he doesn't like that. He wants to silence that voice, so he labels it and mocks it, which allows him to distance himself. Doing this, however, creates a void in his life that he has to fill. He refuses to feel guilty for his actions, and so he places a higher premium on his friendships and his relationships. If he's going to feel guilt, it needs to be over something tangible and important to him, not something moral, metaphysical, and intangible. This will continue to haunt him for some time.
  
  It's easy to call CHARLIE HAMMOND an idiot. That's very nearly how I play him. But he represents society's desire to live in (and only for) this moment. He quickly forgets yesterday (and the lessons learned) and he doesn't think or worry about tomorrow. He doesn't stop to wonder if what he's doing is going to harm him or his friends later. He's exceptionally short-sighted, which often makes him look uncaring. He's deeply emotional and has a fairly sanguine temperament. Every single minute of every single day is either the very best thing or the very worst thing that could possibly be happening. He lives as if there is no tomorrow, as if there are no consequences and when tomorrow rolls around and those consequences show up, he doesn't understand why these things are happening to him.
  
  Rick Hardaway plays JACOB WALLACE. At one point I toyed with making him the personification of Atheism, a cruel and unforgiving creation that boasts freedom and free will, but as the story unfolded, I found him a far more compelling devil than anything else. He lets our "heroes" believe what they want, for it suits his purpose.
  
  The other characters and the victims live in this same world. But less time was put into their being. They are intended to reflect, magnify, or contrast the mindsets and philosophies of Charlie, Alexander, and Sofia.
  
  MARLENA, specifically, was created to illustrate the continuity of time and the consequence of actions. While Charlie lives his existential life, Marlena exists slightly above that. She's first introduced as an idea. We simply hear she exists. She exists before the show began. Then we see Charlie calling her. Then finally, he's reunited with her. Marlena unifies Charlie's existence and makes yesterday as important as today and tomorrow. His belief in her is the closest thing to a spiritual life Charlie has. Her existence makes "the sherpa" moot and vapid. It is (and will be) Marlena that is most directly effected by Charlie's short-sightedness. She's making the most of her life, but deep down, she knows that it's all for naught. Their victory over Jacob Wallace will be short-lived and temporary at best.
  
  And that's all I have to say about that.
  
  Except not really. I love conversations on these topics, so drop me a line or pull me aside. I'd love to hear what you think.
- On Turning 31
  
  Dec 05, 11
  
  Here's to the listeners.
  Here's to the silencers.
  Here's to the rebels.
  Here's to the followers.
  Here's to you that supported me, encouraged me, and pushed me forward.
  Here's to the people who reminded me of my limits.
  Here's to the wild ones.
  Here's to the tame ones.
  Here's to the people who didn't laugh at me.
  Here's to the people who laughed with me.
  Here's to the church.
  Here's to the world.
  Here's to you who helped me spot a good idea (and a bad one too).
  Here's to the Whovians.
  Here's to the Batman fans.
  Here's to the majority.
  Here's to the ones without faces.
  Here's to the children of the world.
  Here's to the ones who haven't been born yet.
  Here's to the lost.
  Here's to the found.
  Here's to the seekers, the searchers, and the explorers.
  Here's to the builders, the fortifiers, and the protectors.
  Here's to me.
  Here's to you.
  Here's to my friends.
  And here's to the ones I haven't met yet.
  
  Thank-you for being you, whoever you are. You helped define me. You showed me what I wanted to be and what I didn't. You made me laugh, you made me cry. You made me want to be a better person.
  
  And with perseverance, God's grace and a smile on my face, some day I will be.
  
  Thank-you.
- Behold the Lamb of God
  
  Dec 01, 11
  
  Just cut this together for Tenika, who's adaptation of Andrew Peterson's "Behold the Lamb of God" opens this weekend.
- BORING DVD ART: Sparky Edition
  
  Nov 28, 11
  
  Coming soon to a theater/DVD player/Blu-Ray player/digital file format player near you: SPARKS! They seem to have become the poster creator's favorite new element. Sometimes it makes sense, but most of the time it looks like they're trying to make us think we're about to step into the sequel for Backdraft that never was.
  
  Drive Angry? Okay. Nicolas Cage is try to escape Hell, so one should expect a certain firey element there. Transformers? Um . . . sure. There's a lot of metal grinding on metal in that movie, so I'm sure there's going to be some sparking. But The Dark Knight? "Maybe it's symbolic of the impending doom and chaos that's about to engulf Gotham?" "Yes! Use it for Harry Potter, too! Just switch 'Gotham' for 'Hogwarts!'"
  
  But one can only assume that there's a scene in the new Conan movie where Conan the Barbarian literally tries to put out a fire with his sword.
  
  Sparks: The art department's cowbell.
  
  Never mind. I take it all back. That's friggin' bad ass.
- Movies You Should Love
  
  Nov 21, 11
  
  Considering my extensive relationship with the iTunes Store and after reading the Steve Jobs biography, it's very surreal to be able to find me in the iTunes Store. Yet, there I am. For all the world to hear.
  
  It's Movies You Should Love, a podcast that frequent partner-in-crime Loren Small and I cooked up and have been recording for the past couple of months. Loren built a gorgeous site for it, with me contributing the title aesthetic and the faces by John J Salomone (who you can commission to pixelate your face).
  
  Basically Loren and I sit down and examine classic films (specifically AFI's Top 100 list) and try to figure out what makes them so special. It's something we do anyway, often staying up into the wee hours -- we thought we might as well record it and share it with the world. We're definitely enjoying ourselves and we really hope others do, too.
  
  If you enjoy my ramblings here, you might enjoy my ramblings there.
- The Ruffians: Episode 5
  
  Nov 16, 11
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- T.I.N.K
  
  May 09, 13
  
  We are TINKs again. Not the Disney fairy in green or any other green fairy for that matter. WE are back to being Two Incomes, No Kids people. This is the story of how we have returned to being TINKs. After 6 months of being in our home London moved out in March. It was a much quieter event than we imaged. There were few tears, but no yelling, no questions, no pleading – just silence.
  
  __
  
  We did a pretty good job considering we had never been parents. Considering we were only twice her age. Considering we were not told the whole back story or even the entire current situation. Considering she had more than 13 YEARS of inadequate programming. We did a great job setting boundaries. We did a pretty good job explaining those boundaries and why they existed. We even steadfastly held London to the consequences of her actions even when she whined or complained that they were unfair.
  
  When we said yes to 14 year old London coming into our home we knew we would be challenged and we knew we were getting in over our heads. MANY people were kind enough to tell us that. The first couple months lulled us into false hope. It was actually not too hard. Yeah rearranging our work schedules and making the daily drive to and from school was not super fun, but a lot of other times were. We said over and over again that teenagers might just be better than babies – they sleep through the night, they can take care of their own hygiene (well maybe with some reminding), and hey, this one could even prepare a simple meal. This child was even old enough to share the responsibilities of some chores – like the much disliked kitty-litter-box-clean-out task.
  
  Other than the drama that naturally surrounded court dates and visits with the bio-mom and the surprising number of doctors visits for a healthy 14 year old, the first three months were pretty easy. London did ballet and soccer, we went on a family vacation to Disney World, and we successfully navigated Christmases with all three of our families. We were really starting to enjoy this whole family thing. At Disney World Kelly rocked the mom bag complete with park maps, bottled water, hair ties, and snacks. Scott was honing his ability to embarrass London with loud embarrassing statements or questions. And it felt like things were starting to gel.
  
  Starting second semester of her eighth grade year, London reached the point where she had been in this school longer than she had been in any of her previous 13 schools. A couple weeks into school she was suspended for fighting. There were consequences laid down and we lived through 3 days of suspension and 2 weeks of grounding. Then a few weeks later, after being reprimanded at school for being disrespectful to a teacher, London skipped class with a couple other kids. She was suspended from school for a week. London was back to school for 2 weeks exactly when she was found taking drugs on school grounds. This earned her expulsion from the public school system entirely.
  
  We thought we handled the fight pretty well. We were told we handled the skipping school drama with aplomb. We talked a lot with London about her choices and what they communicated to us. With her actions she was communicating that she could not function within our family. That she could not hold up her end of our growing relationship. After all, you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone you can’t trust. After she ran away one Saturday we found that we could not trust her out of our sight, even at home. We were learning that she could not be trusted at school unless she was under the direct supervision of an adult, even then she was disruptive and rude. Ultimately our talking was just air and the consequences we laid down were not doing their job. London was escalating her acting out and becoming more and more disrespectful at home and school.
  
  We ultimately decided that she did not respect us and would probably never follow our rules. We came to the conclusion that London was very good at adapting to meet a situation and was able to match the tone of the people around her when she wanted. That’s why our first 3 months went so smoothly. She was a very good apologizer and when she was in a good mood she was really fun to be with. These are skills that help her survive the foster care system, but make her extremely difficult to actually live with, because she used them as tools to get her way.
  
  After much prayer and many tears we decided that it was time for London to move on to a more experienced home. We even suggested something like a group home that would insulate her from the pressures of normal life and remove her from some of the drama of cute boys, mean girls, and tempting drugs.
  
  In the end, the foster agency did not take our suggestion. London was moved from our home to another foster home, but with more experienced foster parents. Or so we were told. Since we are no longer her foster parents we have no reason to receive updates about her or how she is doing.
  
  ____
  
  It’s been about 2 months now and we have returned to being just Scott and Kelly again: TINK. The first couple weeks were pretty quiet around our house. We didn’t realize how much of our thoughts had been filled with London – what to feed her, what could we teach her, how could we let her know she was loved, how could we help her feel normal? We have now returned to our own lives again. We have taken a getaway weekend and we watch rated-R movies again. We have enjoyed being kid free, but we still talk about her fairly often. We still find things she would think are funny or things we want to show her.
  
  People ask how we are; they seem to expect us to be depressed. In some ways we feel relieved. In some ways disappointed that we could not be what this kid needed.
  
  We’ve taken a break for a while from the foster care system. We haven’t decided yet if we will give it another try. We’ll let you know.
- Country Bear Jamboree
  
  Oct 24, 12
  
  We are now 7 weeks in. We are getting to the point where we are ironing out ALL the logistics. And I never knew how many things there were to schedule. When and where doctors, counselor, mother and social worker visits occur. What time we need to get up to be on time to school. Who picks London up from school on which days. Who is going to be at which soccer game. Who is going to bring the camera and dinner to the soccer game. Even defining the words we use around the house. When I say “your hoodie is in your laundry basket,” I mean the clean laundry basket, not the dirty clothes basket. I never realized it but there is a distinction in my mind between the two baskets. Something doesn’t become “laundry” until it is clean. Until then it is “dirty clothes.”
  We are realizing the differences in our cultures. We didn’t realize that public school in TN was so vastly different from the private schools we attended just down the street. Did you know at the beginning of a basket ball season they have a Jamboree. That’s a gathering of several teams to play several games at one time to kick off the season. I thought only Boy Scouts and bears had jamborees. Who knew? Did you know that middle school has a homecoming dance? Did you know that Doritos are their own food group? Me neither. Did you realize that there are gangs? In middle school? Apparently so.
  She is realizing that not all cookies come from a Pillsbury tube and not all waffles come from a box in the freezer. She is learning that sodas have LOTS of sugar and Scott and Kelly don’t really eat a lot of kid food, like macaroni and cheese or beef jerky or even PopTarts.
  We are trying to figure out how to shelter her from all the pressures and bad influences coming at her. Unhealthy food, movies, music, TV, magazines, kids at her school, her mom’s opinion all support her doubts about herself. We are trying to introduce her to good music and media. We are trying to reiterate everyday that she is enough, just the way she is.
  Sometimes she tells us we are “so mean,” but we just grin and know that someday she will appreciate the boundaries. Other times she can’t sit close enough to me on the sofa and she asks me to play with her hair. You can tell she just needs love and attention.
  We’ve gotten little feedback from her except the occasional “I love you too” or sheepish grin. But we have gotten feedback from both our agency and DCS (Department of Children’s Services) that we are doing a good job. They seem pleasantly surprised that we have gone so long without a blowup of some kind. We are hoping it doesn’t happen, but won’t be surprised if there is some kind of event. We don’t know what or when it will be, but we have a plan for when it happens, if it happens.
  We are realizing that the occasional emotional outbursts are not really about the situation at hand. They are many times symptoms of deeper issues. She is sometimes reminded by current events that we don’t witness of memories or bad experiences that we were not part of. It takes time and some tears to get to the root of an issue. We can’t imagine the pain and hurt she has seen, so sometimes it takes us by surprise when she is extra sensitive to seeing a homeless person or seeing a fight at school. It beautiful to know she is still sensitive and caring. But it is scary and intimidating to think she worries it may be her turn next.
  Our goals are to, first, make her feel as secure and safe as possible, second, to help her live up to her potential, and third, EAT MORE VEGETABLES. I think we are off to a good start!
  
  -K
- The Myth of the Fixer-Upper
  
  Oct 19, 12
  
  In high school and college, I was equally amused and frustrated by girl who dated known "bad boys" with the hope that their love would be so strong that the "bad boy" would change his ways. I was not a "bad boy" by any stretch of the imagination, often living (against in my will) in the Friend Zone. I would tell them, I would try to warn them, "they're not going to change."
  
  No-one would listen to me and a few months later, they could concede I was right -- the must frustrating instance being also including the explanation, "he's just the kind of boy you have to date. You're the kind of guy a girl marries. He's the kind of guy a girl dates." It is the single most memorable back-handed compliment I have ever received. I will cherish/loathe it forever.
  
  I bring all this up because there's a boy that London likes. For the sake of anonymity, we'll call him Zitty McPimple. Apparently, Zitty McPimple is ever-so dreamy and a known player. He's had an on-again, off-again relationship with a different girl at school. They're currently in their off-again relationship status (as of Tuesday, methinks). Yesterday, he told London "I love you." Today he said, "I think you and I should go together." London's conflicted. Zitty is super dreamy and the entire eighth grade class thinks they should be together. But, as previously stated, he's a known player. London knows this and doesn't really like but, she reasons, "maybe I can change him."
  
  The sentence that used to frustrate and amuse me now terrifies me. I've seen too many girls and women return to abusive relationships thinking their man had changed or that they could change them and I just don't want London to be one of those statistics. London knows, from her own life story, that a person can't change if they don't want to. She knows she can't change him. But yet there's that look in her eye that says, "but maybe . . ." I've thrown this question out to the world for fifteen years and no-one has ever been able to answer it, but here I go again:
  
  Why do girls think they can change boys? Why do women think they can change men?
  
  And, because of this new special place I find myself in:
  
  How do I communicate to her that his boy has no desire to change? Why would he want to? He's bouncing from cute girl to cute girl. He has no reason to change.
  
  I know. I know. This is one of those things she's going to have to learn for herself. I'm a big believer in learning lessons for one's self. But what is it about having two X chromosomes that makes a person think they can change or fix anything that has a Y chromosome? And why, if you have a certain standard or idea of what the perfect man would be, wouldn't you pursue that?
  
  A frustrated father wants to know.
- Detention!
  
  Oct 17, 12
  
  Kelly called it. The first week -- maybe the first full day -- that London was with us, Kelly said "six weeks in, we're going to have trouble. It will be her way of testing us. She's going to want to see if we'll still love her even if she gets in trouble."
  
  She was alerted to this phenomenon by the very excellent Foster Parenting Podcast. It's a podcast we can't recommend enough. It's put on by a couple who, like us, have decided to share their experiences as they foster and adopt children needing a home. We discovered them fairly early in our adoption process and they have served as inspiration and an encouragement throughout this entire process for us. Their trials, tribulations, and guarded transparency have emboldened us to be equally transparent with our own trials and tribulations -- in hopes that we might encourage others going through the same things we're going through. It's been a comfort to us to know we're not alone and we want to make sure that you, too, know that you're not alone.
  
  Sorry. That was a bit of a tangent. But it was because of that podcast, as well as other outside reading, that we were completely unsurprised when London called and said she was being sent to detention. London was super-worried and stressed out. She was supposed to serve her detention at the same time she was supposed to be playing her first soccer game (did we mention she made the soccer team? She made the soccer team!).
  
  I called the school to find out what had happened. Her teacher, a cantankerous woman who sounded like she was in sixties, made no effort to hide the fact that she has given up on London's particular section of science. To quote her verbatim, "I'm done with them. They think because this is the last period of the day they can goof off."* I asked what London, specifically, had done to warrant detention. "She's been turning in incomplete work and she wasn't paying attention when I showed them the video they were supposed to be watching and the handbook -- and the Vice Principal -- says I can use detention to get a student's attention to help improve their behavior."
  
  Two very important things needed to happen: (1) We needed to let London know that even she had gotten in trouble, we still loved her. (2) We needed to not undermine the authority of the teacher.
  
  I drove down to the school a little early that day so I could catch London in between school and soccer practice. I brought her a sweet tea from Sonic, which immediately seemed to ease her foul mood. We talked things over a bit. I told her I had found out we could reschedule her detention, so she wouldn't have to miss her game -- and that I had already begun that process. "Could you get me out of detention?" she asked hopefully. I shook my head. "I talked to your teacher. It sounds like you've earned it." She grumbled a bit under her breath but didn't disagree. After soccer, Kelly asked her what she was going to do to make sure this didn't happen again. And together, led by London, we formulated a plan to overcome the tired and cantankerous science teacher, improve her grade in science, and generally stay out of detention in the future.
  
  I doubt this cry for help was pre-meditated. But I don't believe the timing of it was coincidental. It was exactly at the six week mark. She's had such a history of bouncing from house to house, it only makes sense that she would test the length and breadth of our patience and love. But hopefully now she realizes that while she may frustrate or worry or even anger us, none of those will actually displace or replace our love for her or our determination to make her a success.
  
  * It's important to note that this is the same science teacher who elected to show her class Short Circuit to teach them about robots and The Little Mermaid to teach them about . . . life under the sea?
- Not As Deep As You Might Think
  
  Sep 24, 12
  
  The #1 conversation starter in the past two weeks has been, "how's it feel to be thrown in the deep end?" And I can understand why people would assume that's the way it would feel. When we first got the call and were told that "there is a thirteen year-old girl who needs a home tonight," I was undoubtedly daunted. But then she arrived and now people either don't believe me or don't know how to respond when I say, "not that bad," and by "not that bad," I mean "this feels like the shallow end, not the deep end."
  
  London sleeps through the night. We don't even have to make her go to bed. She heads to bed as soon as she can't keep her eyes open -- or when we bore her with a third Daily Show in a row. Even better, if we ignore her, she'll sleep right in. If and when she wakes up before us, she pulls out a book or quietly opens Netflix.
  
  Which is in stark contrast to what our friends went through when their little ones came home from the hospital -- which is really what makes it feel like got the easy end of the deal. She dresses herself. She's potty-trained. She has a full vocabulary and knows how to express her ideas and her needs. Any problem we have can be addressed with a rational conversation. We can have legitimately deep and meaningful conversations. We're going to dance class. We can share and enjoy the same TV shows, movies, music, and books. And, maybe most importantly of all, she makes a mean pitcher of sweet tea.
  
  There is a trade-off, of course. We still don't know what it's like to hear our little one's first word. We haven't been able to film her first steps. We weren't able to ease into or mentally prepare for interest in the opposite sex (or, more accurately, the opposite sex's interest). Every day, I can't help but worry -- even just a little bit -- about all the boys peacocking around at her school. She's come home three times already talking about fights.
  
  And there's still the not-knowing. Parental rights for London have not been terminated. We don't actually know if they will be. We'll find out in a couple of months. I have faith they will be, as London's mother has a history of . . . well, being a customer of Walter White. But there's no security yet. No matter what we do or what plans we make, there's still a certain sense that our foundation is fairly thin ice.
  
  But, and this is the part where people stop believing me again, it honestly doesn't feel like the deep end. We're in the pool, to be sure. But it only feels like we're waist-deep in the water that could potentially drown us. It's not that there's not danger or things to worry about -- people have drowned in less and if we have to remind her one more time to put sunscreen on . . . -- but it's fine. More than fine, it's fun.
  
  -S
- I See London, I See Disney
  
  Sep 08, 12
  
  It's so strange the way life plays out. "Strange" is the best word for it, really, but I don't mean that in a negative way at all. I mean strange as in "unexpected" or "unpredictable" or "exciting" or "funny" or "not at all in the way I would have ever imagined it." You know, strange.
  
  Tuesday night we got a call. It was about 9:30. We had just come back from dinner with the Norths. Kelly was sitting down to do her homework and I was sitting down to get more writing done. The phone rang. It was Omni. "We have a thirteen year-old girl and she needs a home tonight."
  
  Omni had called us before, telling us about ten and eleven year olds who needed foster care. Our response was always the same: "I'm sorry, but we're not prepared for that. We're looking for a child who is five years old or younger." Writing that sentence feels awful. We always felt awful turning children away, but we've never had children before. We wanted to have the closest thing to a natural experience as we could. We have spent the past couple of years preparing for a baby. But there was something different about this call.
  
  Kelly hung up the phone and we discussed it. At first I was wondering why we were discussing it. Thirteen is well out of our "five or under" range. But as Kelly started sharing London's story, there was a tickling in the back of my brain. Call it the still-small voice or call it my spider sense, but there was something about this story and this child I couldn't ignore either. We called Omni back. We had a few more questions. Listening to more of London's story, Kelly looked over at me with a silent, "what do you think?" I nodded back, "let's do this."
  
  London showed up thirty minutes later. She was with two Omni coordinators and a trash bag full of her clothes. While that was the first time we met her, we didn't really get to meet her till the next day. The people from Omni talked for so long, London was asleep in her bed before we got to say two words to her.
  
  Since then, we've gotten to play and talk and get to know each other. London is one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. The glimpses into her past infuriate me. Knowing she's been in foster care for two years saddens me, as I would have loved to have brought her into this home two years ago, and give her two more years of love and stability than she's had.
  
  We've only had her for four full days, but we're already making plans for the future. She wants to take dance lessons. She wants to be a veterinarian. We're saving every five and ten dollar bill we find for a trip to Disney. She's never been and really, really wants to go. She also wants to go to New York, but for that "we'll have to save every ten and twenty we find, that's a whole lot more expensive!"
  
  And Kelly and I already know we're going to do everything to make her dreams come true. Today's her 14th birthday. We have a pool party planned. Tonight we'll introduce her to Doctor Who, tomorrow we'll finish preparing her for school and Monday she goes back to 8th grade.
  
  No-one ever imagines the strange. Everyone imagines the traditional. Go back in time to any point in my life and ask me about the family I would eventually have, and I never would have plotted something like this. But now that I'm here, I wouldn't change a dot of it.
  
  Here's to all the strange, strange years to come!
  
  -S
- We Are Not Alone (the Perks of a Rabid Fandom)
  
  Sep 02, 12
  
  Kelly and I are, among other things, Whovians. You probably have a Whovian in your life. You'll know them by their insistence that "bow ties are cool," their use of words like "timey-wimey," "allons-y," or "fantastic." They may own a mile-long scarf. They may have a bumper sticker alleging "my other ride is a TARDIS." If you are looking for a fun fandom to be a part of, look no further than the fandom of Doctor Who.
  
  Fandoms can be a tricky thing. I was a fan of Star Wars, for example, before it was cool (and then subsequently uncool again). Star Wars fans have a complicated, love-hate relationship with that which they obsess over. As much as they love everything George Lucas gave them, they hate everything he continues to give them (this is a broad stroke statement that doesn't describe every fan, but the fandom as a whole). It can be a very frustrating fandom to be a part of.
  
  Enter The Doctor. If you know nothing about Doctor Who, it's a show that is celebrating it's 50th anniversary in 2013. It's a fantastic British sci-fi show about an enigmatic time-traveller called The Doctor who uses his ability to travel all of time and space to leave things better than he found them. As you can imagine, it's a show that can be daunting to get into -- it's been on for fifty years (more or less).
  
  Enter The Whovians. Doctor Who fans know how intimidating getting into the show can be. But they know how rewarding it is being a Whovian that each and every one of them has their own recommended way of getting into the show. They're a patient lot, who are more than willing to hold your hand and answer all your questions until you're addicted and running off on your own adventures with The Doctor. That's not to say they don't bicker. Every fandom has its arguments. But in the case of Doctor Who, most of the arguments come down to being a clash of preferences. Most of the time, everyone walks away still happy, still friends, and still hoping the TARDIS shows up in the back yard. I believe this is because of the intelligence lying beneath most episodes of Doctor Who.
  
  Doctor Who is a show about something. It's easy to dismiss it as a silly sci-fi with lots of unnecessary running about, silly monsters, and implausible story lines. At first glance, that's all it really is. But then you notice the Daleks are a thinly veiled critique of fascism, and the Cybermen are a condemnation of mindless conformity and . . . oh my goodness . . . these are all metaphors! Well, not all of them. Some are just men in silly suits. But even those Freak of the Week episodes are still filled with characters grounded in a relate-able reality that will often leave you with a few questions for you to ponder about your own life. If you find yourself on a Doctor Who message board or swapping favorite stories with a fellow Whovian, it's not at all uncommon for someone to bring up how a particular episode, or a particular character, helped them through a particularly tough time.
  
  Take Amy and Rory -- the Eleventh Doctor's current companions -- for example. They've had a rocky relationship since we first met them. But they've also had an endearing and enduring relationship. Collectively, as a fandom, we're rooting for them just as much as we're rooting for The Doctor. This most recent episode, well . . .
  
  Amy drops the very large bomb in Rory's lap (as well as the audience's lap) that she's incapable of having children. I was not expecting that. I don't expect other people, especially people who have been in the TARDIS, to have any idea of what it's like to be me. Yet here are these two fictitious characters crying and fighting and using words that have been used by me and people I know who have also fought and cried over the exact same thing. It hit me right in the back of the throat. The room started to blur and I was suddenly very glad I was watching the episode by myself. The moment passed and I loved the show all the more.
  
  Enter The Whovians. I was not alone with all of these feelings. Megan Lavey-Heaton, co-author of the webcomic Namesake, shared a glimpse into her and her husband's struggle with infertility. You can read the whole blog post here (which also serves as a review of the Doctor Who episode, "Asylum of the Daleks"). But I had to share a couple of exceprts here because the post was so refreshingly honest that my heart broke as I was being encouraged and reminded that, indeed, we are not alone.
  
  Infertility is a horrible, horrible beast. There are days that you’re perfectly fine, that you can go “I’m OK with this. I’ve got a wonderful career and a husband who loves me and medical science that can do a lot. I’m under 35, I can do this.”
  Then there are other days when you hate yourself. When you feel that your husband, who moved across an ocean for you, could do much better. You want kids, and he wants kids. But what you’re trying isn’t working. You go to the doctor. The drugs aren’t working. There’s more drugs you can take. Expensive procedures, but where do you draw the line? And even though you can and do live an fantastic life, surrounded by love, opportunities to travel and a fulfilling career, you feel like a failure — especially when you’re surrounded by a culture and social media that rubs it in your face. It is so hard to go on places like Facebook and see hundreds of photos of your peer’s newborn babies.
  You’re also in mourning, dealing with this. You have to go through the grieving process, even if you never planned on having kids.
  Different people react in different ways.
  Amy is so much a mirror of the Doctor emotionally. No wonder they get along so well. Amy handled the infertility issue in a way that was in-character for her and that mirroring of the Doctor. They both run away so much until forced to confront themselves by a catalyst: River for the Doctor and Rory for Amy. Then they act and grow. When you look at Amy now and the Amy we met in “The Eleventh Hour,” it’s such a brilliant story of growth. Amy then acted in such a selfish manner in running away. Now, she’s grown to where she loves Rory so damn much that she is willing to sacrifice everything for him to be happy. And that is gorgeous — and all Moffat.
  The "Moffat" she refers to in that last sentence is the show's incorrigible show-runner, Steven Moffat. He delights in our pain and torture and we love him for it.
  
  The fact that Steven Moffat was willing to approach this topic in a show that could just be about its special effects and its quippy, banter-filled scripts meant so much to me. It gave courage to people. For some, it was a "if Amy and Rory can figure this out, so can I" moment. For others, it provided catharsis. For others yet, it provided a time and place to talk about something they might not have -- and I think that's important.
  
  It's important to know we are not alone.
  
  -S
- Lesson Learned: Dogs Cannot Be Trusted to Make a Bargain
  
  Aug 30, 12
  Quick post to give you an update. We have recovered from the drama that was the beginning of this month.
  
  We had the opportunity this weekend to do Respite Care for two boys ages 10 and 11. Respite is the foster care word for giving foster parents a break. It’s also a word meaning “Scott and Kelly get to borrow children to do cool things with that we might look weird doing without children.” Really, foster parents take on a lot when they take children into their home, so the agency says you get two weekends off a month and we (the agency) will find childcare for you (oh and pay the childcare givers).
  
  So we had these boys for a couple hours last month and then all weekend this month. WE HAD A BALL.
  -          We played Lego Batman 2 on the Xbox. FYI: we do that even without children; that’s how cool we are [Scott's note: "Cool" seems like such a strong word].
  -          We made a fire in our fire pit and roasted marshmallows and hot dogs.
  -          We tried to blow up a bar of soap in our microwave. FYI: Don’t trust a 10 year old when he says it turns into a fluffy cloud. Maybe we had the wrong kind of soap. The house smelled like burned soap for several hours.
  -          We read stories. We played with real Legos.
  -          One of the boys took a “shower” outside under the water hose. The water was really cold. They other said he would prefer a bubble bath inside with warm water please and thank you.
  -          We went swimming at my mom’s house.
  -          They tried to teach me how to throw a football. FYI: I’m not so good at that. But Gwen Dogg is really good at catching the football and hiding it in the bushes.
  -          We had French toast one morning – they didn’t know it could be homemade.
  -          We ate a whole box of Froot Loops in one sitting.
  -          We had mint chocolate chip ice cream.
  -          We taste-test Oreo Cookies vs. the Target brand – thanks Heather!
  
  We were really touched by how loving and polite these two boys were. They said “Yes Ma’am” and “Yes Sir.” They gave hugs and even asked about Jesus. They put their dishes in the dishwasher. They didn’t interrupt when adults were having conversations. The boys had tons of questions and were so excited to do everything.
  
  When we explained that our little dog Mr. Tumnus is “a bad dog” because he begs for food from the table, chases cats, and sometimes potties in the house, they replied, “He is not a bad dog; he just makes bad choices.” Later that night that same boy was scolding Tumnus for not adhering to their “bargain.” Tumnus was only supposed to eat the outside of the hotdog that got burned over the fire and leave the inside for him. I told them not to trust a dog’s bargain. I think Tumnus ate at least 3 hotdogs, chips, and a cheese stick that night.
  
  We discussed multiple times that eating grape seeds would not cause grapes to grow in your stomach, unless maybeyou ate some dirt and a Starburst.
  
  We discussed that despite what Jim said there are NOT sharks in the swimming pool.
  
  It was a great weekend. Maybe next time we can borrow girls and go see Disney Princesses on Ice!
  
  --K
- In Defense of Dark Days (or "Where's God When I'm Furious?")
  
  Aug 11, 12
  
  In the wake of our infuriating and heart-breaking false alarm, a common condolence we heard was, "God has a plan for the two of you. Don't be discouraged. You'll find out soon enough." No-one said that verbatim, but if you were to take everything everyone said, it would come out sounding something like that (possibly with some foul language, due to a couple of our more foul-mouthed -- but nonetheless heart-warming -- friends).
  
  I learned a long time ago that I can't worry about God's plan for me. I've begged, pleaded, and prayed for a peek and God, in His infinite mystery (and probably wisdom), has refused to show me. In those moments of desperation, I am reminded of Deuteronomy 31:8. "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." This is quickly followed by Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" I'm reminded of these verses, yet, as pain leads to frustration and frustration to fury, their promises can seem so hollow.
  
  The promises seem especially hollow when, from your vantage point, you can't see what you're doing wrong. I'm not saying I (or we) have done everything right, but I can't look back and see what I (or we) have done wrong. Kelly and I both try to live life as genuinely, as unguarded, and as fully as possible. We have measured our talents and we have set about to use them for good. We want to leave this world a better place than when we've found it and when people ask "why" we're more than happy to reply honestly and say, "because that's what God did for us."
  
  It's a mistake to blame God for bad things happening to you. Blaming God for your pain is like blaming the sun for your sunburn -- not to say all pain is avoidable or your own fault. It's just a consequence of living in this world. There is evil in this world, bent on your destruction. There are people who act selfishly. There are people who act foolishly. There are well-meaning people who simply make mistakes. There are lies. There is miscommunication. There are things, quite simply, that will lead to us getting hurt. I do not believe any of them are part of God's plan.
  
  God having a plan for me doesn't mean I will be immune to this world and the effects of sin. God knowing what's best for me and me trying to allow for that to happen doesn't mean I'm going to get it right. God's plan also, very honestly, may be something I am not at all comfortable with or interested in. There are plenty of men and women in the Bible who wanted to follow God but did not want -- in any way -- to do what He asked them to do (see also: Noah, Abraham, Joseph, Moses, Job, Esther, Jonah, Gideon, and at least eleven of the twelve apostles). Perhaps that is what I take the most comfort in.
  
  Feeling pain doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Feeling pain means you're alive. Feeling pain doesn't mean God has turned his back on you. Feeling pain doesn't mean you're broken or that you need fixing. Feeling pain does, for me, remind me why I need God in my life. Without Him I would not have made it through the last couple of years. Without Him I would not be where I am right now, looking forward to the future with a bit of hope and optimism.
  
  So don't despair during your dark days. You're not alone. You're not the first to feel this. The sun will come out and eventually this will all make sense. That's what I've learned and that's what I'm still reminding myself of.
  
  -S
  
  The cynical Bible reader (which I can be) should read the books of Job and Ecclesiastes. They are wonderfully dark books that demand questions of God while pointing out all the general screwed-up-edness of the world. They have guided me through (and of out of) many-a dark day.
- False Alarm
  
  Aug 09, 12
  
  It's amazing how quickly you can plummet from the highest peak to the lowest valley. The short version of the story is: We were misinformed.
  
  The longer version is: We were told the boys were coming to our home. We were given their Social Security cards and their medical histories. We were told the boys were coming to our home. We told the foster care people that we were taking time off to help the boys acclimate to their new home, because it was our intent to adopt these boys. We were told that was a great idea. Once we felt assured that the boys were coming, we announced it to all our friends and family. Kelly had the major insurance company she works for rearrange her entire workload to make up for the fact that she wouldn't be there for a month. We were told the boys were coming to our home. At roughly 2pm, the coordinator told us she was going to go see and pick up the boys at 4:15 and then brought to our home. We were told the boys were coming to our home.
  
  At 6:30, when we hadn't heard anything, we texted our coordinator to see what was going on. What was going on, it seems, is that the boys weren't coming to our home. They were staying with the foster family they are currently with. We were a back-up plan -- a Plan B. The foster care coordinators had thought the family the boys were with were going to quit being foster parents. When they heard this, they contacted us to see if were interested.
  
  The thing of it is, we were never told we were a Plan B. During all of our conversations, the only vagueness that was conveyed to us was at what time the boys would be coming to our home.
  
  So . . . I'm sorry. False Alarm.
- Strychnine in the Well
  
  Aug 08, 12
  
  We have been so amazed by people's support and love through this entire process. Every time we announce another small victory, it seems like all of Facebook just erupts in joy. It honestly has taken us very by surprise and has greatly humbled us. We honestly expected more people like Rachel Lynde:
  
  "Well, Marilla, I'll just tell you plain that I think you're doing a mighty foolish thing--a risky thing, that's what. You don't know what you're getting. You're bringing a strange child into your house and home and you don't know a single thing about him nor what his disposition is like nor what sort of parents he had nor how he's likely to turn out. Why, it was only last week I read in the paper how a man and his wife up west of the Island took a boy out of an orphan asylum and he set fire to the house at night--set it ON PURPOSE, Marilla--and nearly burnt them to a crisp in their beds. And I know another case where an adopted boy used to suck the eggs--they couldn't break him of it. If you had asked my advice in the matter--which you didn't do, Marilla--I'd have said for mercy's sake not to think of such a thing, that's what ... I hope it will turn out all right only don't say I didn't warn you if he burns Green Gables down or puts strychnine in the well--I heard of a case over in New Brunswick where an orphan asylum child did that and the whole family died in fearful agonies. Only, it was a girl in that instance."
  And to be honest, we do have a couple Mrs. Lyndes in our life, but we don't blame them for being cautious. We know they're only looking out for us and are trying to protect us from being hurt or harmed -- be it emotionally or physically. And to be fair to them, there are a lot of horror stories out there. It's important, however, to remember the context of these "horror stories."
  
  Every child in the foster care system has gone, or is going through, trauma. They've been taken from their homes. Some of them have been abused and neglected their entire life up to this point. Some haven't been neglected or abused; their parents may have done a good job of shielding them from their destructive behavior. Regardless of the child's previous situation, they find themselves suddenly living with strangers. How would you react if you were taken from the only home you've ever known and you were forced to live with people who may have absolutely nothing in common with you?
  
  They may not be carrying any physical scars, but each and every one of them is carrying some emotional ones. They're a little bit broken and it's our job to help them put those pieces back together.
  
  We're supposed to meet them today. They're supposed to come home with us today and sleep in the beds we've prepared for them. Thank-you, everyone, for your words of comfort, encouragement, and caution. We've appreciated it so much.
  
  We can't wait for this next chapter to begin.
  
  -S
- Just Say No?
  
  Jul 31, 12
  
  It has been almost a month since we were approved to be foster parents.
  
  There are 408,000 children are in foster care in the US and 107,000 of those are eligible for adoption, per the FosterCare Statistics 2010 Fact Sheet.
  
  We have gotten three calls with placement offers and one call for respite care. We said no to all three placement calls. The first was a toddler who only needed a temporary placement. The other two were teenage girls. The first was a 17 y/o girl who “just needed someone to help get her through senior year.” She turns 18 in February. The second was a 16 year old girl who had just come into custody and desperately wanted to stay at the high school near our home. I was the one to have the conversations and ultimately say no.
  
  We watched two brothers, ages 10 and 11, Saturday night as respite care for another foster family. They were with us for four hours and we had a lot of fun. They walked right in and made themselves at home, asking a TON of questions. They were excited to meet our dogs and give them treats.
  
  We introduced the boys to root beer floats and Legos. They were enamored with the chalk board on the wall in Scott’s office. “You can draw ON the wall?!?” They asked all about our family, how we met, and why we didn’t have any other kids. They were shocked that they were our first foster kids. They said that they had never been anyone’s first foster kids. They were extremely polite. They said yes ma’am and yes sir. They even put their dishes in the sink. For being 10 and 11 they knew a lot about the foster system. They insisted that we do a lot of thing other adults just don’t do – I guess we do play with Legos. . . By the end of the evening they both asked to stay with us. We told them that not every day at our house was as much fun as that night. We also do laundry, clean the litter box, and do homework. They swore that they LOVE to fold laundry.
  
  They did really well until it was time to be picked up by their foster family. They started arguing and fighting with each other as soon as their foster-mom called and said that she was on her way. It was interesting to see how reluctant they were to make the transition. Of course it was way past a reasonable bed time for 10 and 11 year olds, but we could read them like an open book. They were tired and had a lot of hurt behind their eyes. We don’t even know what that may be.
  
  I am struggling with the emotional impact of saying no to children I don’t know and then also to these boys that we had in our home. It’s kind of heart wrenching to say no when the child asks you directly. We have said that we want to adopt rather than pursue fertility treatments so we can put our resources toward helping kids who are already here. We prayerfully and thoughtfully created a profile that says ages 0-5 years. But it breaks my heart to say no to children who need a home. It will be much harder for the agency to find homes for these boys than a child under 5 years old. My rational side says remember the profile; stick to the profile you created when you were not emotional. But I feel like that may just be the excuse of a scared person. What if we say no to someone just because they don’t fit the picture of what we think our family looks like? What if it is just my fear or selfishness or doubts that keeps us from being parents to someone who needs us? Sometimes I don’t think I am mature enough for this.
  
  Lots of thoughts…I’ll just keep waiting.
  
  --K
- Wait For It . . .
  
  Jul 11, 12
  
  Waiting. It may be the word we use the most on this blog. "Why" is the word we use most at home, but mostly that is because Scott’s little dog insists on pottying in the living room, and we don’t know why. But that is an issue for another day.
  
  Our home study was approved last Tuesday. A week ago. We were pretty excited. I was instantly nervous (I realized we didn't have a waterproof cover for the mattress or plastic cups or plastic plates or plastic eating utensils or enough Legos). It struck us that placement is close. Impending even. We are in a kind of scary limbo. We have put our employers on notice that we may need some time off sometime in the next week, month or year. It is hard to plan when you don't know what to expect.
  
  We actually got our first call on Friday, July 6. It was for a 3 year old little girl. She had more medical issues that we could probably handle and she only needed a temporary placement. So the coordinator basically made the decision that she was not a match for us. This was a new coordinator that we had not spoken with before. She was very nice and took the time to listen to me about what type of child we are looking for. I am excited by the conversation and feel good that we have experienced our first call. Now we wait for the next call. Maybe it will be about our children.
  
  So again we wait. This waiting feels more exciting than all the other waiting we have done before. But it is also more agonizing. It feels like every time the phone rings my heart skips a beat. Each day we wonder, "Will we meet our child today?" "By bedtime tonight will we be three instead of two?" I think after we take a placement we will look back on this waiting time that feels so long right now and say "That was just a short time. Why were we so anxious?" At this point we have waited three and half years; what is another week or month?
  
  We are praying for our child and the other children too. We are praying that we say yes to the child who is ours. We trust that God will work it all out. Any impatience we feel is really excitement about the upcoming arrival of our child.
  -K
- Third Trimester
  
  Jun 27, 12
  
  This must be what it feels like to in the third trimester of a pregnancy. The end of The Beginning is fast approaching and while it has been filled with a wide range of emotions and in many ways feels like the end of an epic journey, it was just the prologue. The real story begins now.
  
  We vacillate between giddy, giggly excitement and sheer bloody terror. Which, our rational sides tell us, is really to be expected and is probably a good sign. Our rational side, of course, is nowhere to be seen when we're lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling and wondering what we've gotten ourselves into. But then we think about what it's going to be like going on adventures, or teaching something new, or helping overcome an obstacle and we get giddy and excited again.
  
  We're done. We just wait to be approved now.
  
  Last Thursday we were fingerprinted with a very cool digital scanner. We were a little disappointed not to dip our fingers in ink, as we wanted to share that picture on Facebook and on the blog, but technology has apparently rendered ink moot. We turned in a rather scary-to-complete contingent parent form -- which was as weird as it was scary.
  
  We haven't met this child (or these children) yet. We have no idea what he/she/they are going to be like and what needs they're going to have. But we needed to decide what to do with our hypothetical children in the hypothetical situation that is both of us dying. Then we took our pets have their rabies shots -- which the pets were super psyched about.
  
  Those last few pieces completely the home study information. Our adoption coordinator "Darla" advised us, "your fingerprints should be back by Monday or Tuesday and if all goes well your home could be approved by the end of next week (which is now this week) or the first week of July! P.S. you could get a placement call as soon as the day you are approved!!!"
  
  Those are her exclaimation points, not ours. But that is about how excited, scared, and nervous we are (!!!).
  
  This is probably the closest we'll feel to what that last month of pregnancy feels like (unless, of course, everyone is right and we get pregnant as soon as we adopt because, apparently that's what "always happens"). You know a little one is coming, but you don’t know when. You kind of know what to expect, but really have NO IDEA how much your life is going to change. Except that instead of a newborn we could get a 4 year old or two children. Or maybe an infant. Our profile says 0-5 years. The more we think about it the bigger that range seems. We have bottles, but not sippy cups. We have a highchair, but no tricycle. We just keep reminding each other that there is nothing that we can’t live without until morning and Walmart is only 3.7 miles away.
  
  Somehow those material things are the things we worry about. Maybe because those are the things that are easier to approach and control? We know those things matter less than our home and family being welcoming. Those material things matter less than the attachment we want to form with this child. BTW, we are looking for a good book on attachment – let us know if you have found one.
  
  The podcast we are listening to actually addressed a big question we have: What do we tell our friends and family about becoming attached to this child?
  
  There is chance the child may leave our home and return to their birth parents. We have accepted that risk going in. We understand that is a big risk to ask our friends and family to accept as well. After talking and thinking about it, we have confirmed that we want to ask our friends and family to become as attached as possible to this child. Whether he/she is with us for a short time or the rest of our lives we want to him/her to have a foundation of love and fellowship. No parent knows how long they will have their child with them, so it important for us to shower love on this child while he/she is with us. As adults we have the capacity to experience love and loss and live through it. We are strong enough to give part of ourselves to this child. We are never reduced by loving; we only grow.
  
  So. We are excited to be on this journey and glad to invite you along for the adventure. We hope you will join us in welcoming a little one into our home and family. Possibly very soon.
  
  -- S&K
- Book Review: Parenting With Love and Logic
  
  Jun 07, 12
  
  I read this book after hearing about it and the application of the Love and Logic principles on the Foster Parenting Podcast I listen too. Despite Scott working for a book store I paid full price and bought this one from B&N (Which apparently must bother me since I mention it every time I buy a full-price book).
  
  Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Kline and Jim Fay offers the principle of teaching children responsibility by allowing them to practice making choices and living with the consequences. Kline and Fay argue that responsibility is not a talent, but a learned, practiced skill. They suggest that by making choices and then living with the natural consequences of those choices children learn how to think through choices. I am all for natural consequences so that makes sense to me. Kline and Fay say that parents should not fight battles they cannot win. You can’t make a child stop throwing a tantrum but you can make them do it in another room away from you. You might not be able to force a kid to eat this meal, but by empowering them to choose to not eat this meal they will surely by ready to eat by the time the next meal rolls around.
  
  The book is laid out in two parts – the explanation of the philosophy and the practical application of that philosophy. Kline and Fay offer practical responses to 48 common parenting issues like grades, chores, bad language, getting ready for school, going to church and taking care of belongings. Kline and Fay argue that allowance is a tool to teach children the value of money and should not dependent on a child doing their chores. Chores are not optional; chores are a given. Everyone is expected to pitch in to the maintenance of the family’s home.
  
  At times they get a bit judge-y about topics such as pacifiers, television time and video games. Their bias comes out on these topics and they fail to offer concrete advice on how to teach logic or allow personal choice with resulting consequences.
  
  The pacifier chapter seems to the one most directed towards toddlers while many of the others are more appropriate to school age children or teenager. Kline and Fay argue that pacifiers are not natural and should not be allowed beyond infancy as it can become an addiction. Maybe they didn’t put a lot of time or thought into the pacifier chapter (it was only one page), but again it seems to miss the point. They don’t formulate the argument against pacifiers well except to stress that a child sucking a pacifier is not “cute.” They suggest that parents have a hard time encouraging their children to out-right quit sucking a pacifier, but the parent can control where the sucking occurs. So the parent should ask the toddler to leave the room if he/she must suck on the pacifier. I’m not a huge pacifier promoter but I do appreciate the welcome calm it can bring to my friends kids. Maybe they should have left this chapter out since it is somewhat of a controversial topic and they didn’t have a solid foundation for their objections.
  
  Video Games. Maybe this is sensitive topic in our house because we are both gamers, as two creators of media we are also consumers of media, and, oh, half our income comes from the sale of video games. Kline and Fay suggest discussing video games with the children to prompt thought on amount of time and content of the video games. That sounds reasonable. They spend several pages discussing video game addiction. Okay maybe this book is not the time or place, but possibly relevant (maybe). They then end the chapter stating “Certainly though, many parents handle the issue the simple way: from the time the children are young they simply do not have video games in the home. We applaud those folks!” This concluding thought misses the point of allowing children to choose and then allowing children to practice appropriate boundaries and self control.
  
  I generally agree with the philosophy that responsibility can be taught by allowing children to practice making good choices then allowing them to suffer the consequences when they are young; however I finished this book with a rather sour taste in my mouth. I feel like the book was not specific enough to any particular age group, but in some aspects it was too limited to the writers’ biases. I’d love for someone else to read it so I can discuss with them, but I don’t enthusiastically want to recommend that anyone spend a lot of time on it.
  
  Instead go back and read Equally Shared Parenting by Marc and Amy Vachon. It was fantastic! I got it for cheap and would be happy to loan it out.
  
  --K
- Following PATH
  
  May 24, 12
  So we completed the PATH classes this month, and we completed a ginormous stack of paperwork. Yay! We've bothered our friends, family, and even coworkers for reference forms (and special thanks to them!). We've bought fire extinguishers and a carbon monoxide detector (and put the batteries back in the smoke detector over the stove). Our Spare 'Oom is ready for a tiny occupant. But the most exciting exciting step was yesterday. It was out first chance to sit down with our adoption coordinator, Darla (not her real name).
  
  She came to visit us at home and spent two and a half hours with us. We worked through a questionnaire about our parenting skills. What we are comfortable parenting, what we feel we might need help with, and things we feel are beyond our capacity. It was a helpful exercise that gave her a chance to get to know us. It was a pretty casual conversation and it gave us a chance to ask the questions we've been amassing:
  
  How long does this take? Another 6-8 weeks. During that time we may have two more meetings with her and she may call to speak with both of us individually. She will prepare a home study report and then we will do fingerprinting and background checks. She will pull all of that together and send to the state for approval. We will complete CPR and first aid training in early June. We should be approved possible as early as sometime mid June.
  After a placement what kind of support do we have if we have questions/problems? A team is available 24/7 for questions and brainstorming. Support with practical issues of transportation and doctors appointments is available as well. They offer respite care if we need a break.
  How long until we can adopt? A placement may come quickly, but the child will be in our home for 6 months before we can complete the adoption.
  What does this cost us? Nothing. They cover the costs of the home study, background check, and legal fees. We would be paid a stipend monthly after a child is placed with us, even AFTER the adoption is completed.
  Can our parents and friends help with occasional childcare? Yes. They do not need to also go through a background check or home study. Omni trusts our judgment on who to leave our children with.
  Can we travel with the children? Yes, but we need to communicate those plans to Omni. We would need to get approval for overnight stays out of state.
  
  What is hard to explain is the feeling we got from the meeting. We came away from the conversation very positive. Darla seems as excited to be working with us as we are to be working with her. She said that she would talk to the other Omni adoption coordinator and they will be looking out for a child who would be a good fit for our family.
  
  --K
- A new PATH
  
  May 12, 12
  
  After more than a year of waiting we are now starting on the home study process! It is good to feel like we are taking steps forward.
  
  If you have been keeping up, for the past 14 months we have listed our profile with a local attorney and have been networking with anyone we come in contact with. We have been hesitant to work with an adoption agency for several reasons. We won't go into that here, except to say that cost is a factor. But after thoughtfully and tearfully considering a surrogate pregnancy we have again reassessed our plans of how to grow our family.
  
  We are now connected with a local foster-to-adopt agency, Omni Visions, Inc. We have completed the 4-week PATH (Parents as Tender Healers) training class. We are almost, maybe, hopefully, nearly done with a two-inch stack of paperwork. We are collecting references and are scheduling a CPR class. All this will allow us to be approved resource parents in the state of Tennessee. Once approved we can be part of Omni’s foster-to-adopt program.
  
  We are looking to provide a permanent and stable home for child under the age of five. It is a simultaneously exciting and scary process. We just keep reminding ourselves that we are doing this to serve a child, who is probably more scared that we are. We are not sure what to expect but glad to be taking a step forward on this journey.
  
  The home study requires the house to be baby-/child-proofed. We have spent the past 3 weeks collecting a fire extinguisher, rearranging our cleaning supply storage, and developing a system to double lock our medications (prescription and OTC). We were asked to provide pictures of the inside and outside of our house as well as our pets. The house is the cleanest and most organized it has been since we moved in 5 years ago. Here are a couple our those pictures for your viewing pleasure.
  
  Scott's Hero themed office.
  
  Spare 'oom - this is the future home of our little one. It is a woodland Narnia theme.
  
  We will share more on this process as we learn more.
  
  We found a new podcast on the foster-to-adopt process from a California couple - here. The process will be different state to state, but the feelings are the same no matter where you are.
  
  --KF
- A Tot New Mobile
  
  May 09, 12
  
  Kelly just took my Justice League tots that I collected from Sonic and turned them into the coolest mobile ever. I had to share.
- Oh, The Things You'll Do!
  
  Apr 18, 12
  
  One of my favorite Dr Seuss books is Oh, The Places You'll Go!. I kind of wish he had written a follow-up to that called Oh, The Things You'll Do! in which our reader is walked through their hypothetical life and shown some of the choices they'll get to make, the causes they'll take up, the projects they'll complete, the jobs they'll have, the people they'll meet and, well, the things they'll do.
  
  As Kelly and I wait for God to reveal his plan for our family, I have found myself steeped in projects. Some of them I've been planning for years, others I never saw coming. For example, I'm currently working on a novel. It's a science fiction story aimed at a young adult audience and it's a story I've been wrestling with for about six years now.
  
  One thing I never saw coming was the podcast I'm currently working on. My friends Loren and I have recorded over thirty episodes at this point and they all can be found at www.moviesyoushouldlove.com or on iTunes. We both went to film school, so we're making our way through contemporary and classic films and analyzing them. It's been a lot of fun, some hard work, and it's starting to pay off. We're growing a little community over there and some really neat conversations are taking place. And it's because of that podcast that I've come to have a small part in the documentary Until We Have Faces.
  
  Until We Have Faces is a documentary from Leslie Foster, another one of my film school friends, that "explores the complexity of violent homophobia in Jamaica and the hope, bravery, and endurance of the amazing LGBT community there." Leslie is now trying to raise the money he needs to finish post-production on the film and I'm doing my part to spread the word (you can read more about it here). This is one of those fights that I would love to have had a hand in ending before my child is in the world -- but even if it isn't, even if we're still fighting this fifty years from now, I'll be proud to tell my little one "I did my best to make the world a little bit safer for you, your friends, and some people we might not ever meet."
  
  Oh, the places you'll go . . . and the things you'll do . . .
  
  Somehow you'll escape all the waiting and staying.
  You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.
  With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high!
  Ready for anything under the sky.
  Ready because you're that kind of guy!
  
  And will you succeed?
  Yes! You will, indeed!
  (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
- Things I Have Learned Through Infertility
  
  Mar 24, 12
  It is okay to feel sad, angry, lonely, or jealous. But not okay to let those feelings consume you or define you.
  Ice cream with friends makes things a little brighter.
  Having friends who take you out for ice cream after failed fertility treatments are WONDERFUL.
  It is okay to say no to invitations to baby showers or other events. The friends and family who love you will understand. Those who don’t, don’t really matter.
  Laughter is good. Laughter about dark or sad things is even funnier.
  My husband and God love me more than I always understand.
  It does not make me less of a woman, no matter what the monologue in my head says.
  I am not the only one who is or has gone through this. More people than you know or imagine have experienced being reproductively challenged. You just need to reach out.
  It is good to be busy.
  You will reach a point where occasionally you won’t be thinking about it or counting days since ovulation. That still doesn’t mean you will get pregnant, despite what “they say.”
  People without children get to stay out late, sleep in, be spontaneous, go on overnight trips, go to movies, spend money on themselves, take dance lessons, go on dates, takes naps, buy Nerf guns to have battles in the living room, buy Legos just because they are cool, watch DVDs uninterrupted, and eat whatever they want.
- How About It?
  
  Mar 18, 12
  
  Some friends recently expressed that they were excited to see us as parents as they felt that we deserve to have a baby and would be great parents. I don’t say that to brag, but to say, I hope we are as good of people as these friends think we are. Their faith in us is inspiring.
  
  We’ve not posted in a couple months because we have been thinking. Thinking and talking don’t usually go together, at least for me. Those friends got us thinking about surrogacy.
  
  Would we consider it?
  
  Well, we would. We did.
  
  We had decided even before we got married that IVF was not for us. We would prefer to spend that money, time, and emotional energy on adoption. But surrogacy with the option of being a significantly cheaper and with none of those crazy-lady inducing fertility drugs, now that could be an option. Did you know the internet sells convenient DIY kits for intra-vaginal insemination? Yup. Who would have thought?
  
  That would mean asking a woman to donate her egg and carry her and Scott’s baby. That is a lot to ask of someone. That would be partially her child. That would be her son or daughter’s half sibling. That would be Scott’s baby with another woman. Could I and that hypothetical biological mother handle it? Sara and Hagar did not handle it with grace. Would I care once that baby was in my arms? Not sure, maybe.
  
  It might not be so hard to find someone to carry our embryo. Even that would be a huge thing for someone to do. But we won’t do IVF, remember? The cost, the gamble, the crazy hormones. If we were considering IVF we would try it ourselves first; because remember, there is nothing wrong with either of us. We should be able to conceive and carry a pregnancy. So we are left with asking a surrogate to donate her egg and body. That is more than a 9 month commitment. That is a life-time commitment. That is more than we can ask of anyone.
  
  So that’s us considering it.
  
  -K
- That I Would be Good
  
  Mar 10, 12
  
  that I would be good even if I did nothing
  that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
  that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
  that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
  
  that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
  that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
  that I would be great if I was no longer queen
  that I would be grand if I was not all knowing
  
  that I would be loved even when I numb myself
  that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
  that I would be loved even when I was fuming
  that I would be good even if I was clingy
  
  that I would be good even if I lost sanity
  that I would be good
  
  -Alanis Morissette
  
  I had a realization the other day (read: a couple months ago) when I was driving home. I am tired of feeling the way I have. I am tired of being in this place where there is something I want and desire, but where I have no way to affect my ability to get it. Tired of being sad about being out of control of the situation. I am just done with it.
  
  If I can’t change the situation, I am at least ready to start accepting it.
  
  That I would be good even if we don’t have a baby.
  That I would be good even if I can’t have a baby.
  
  That I would be confident even if I am not the person I thought I was or want to be.
  
  2012 is already a brighter year.
  
  -K
- A Rough Approximation of the Greatest Day (That We Are Still Looking Forward To)
  
  Jan 12, 12
  
  I mentioned the book we're working on, Alfonso & Beatrice and The Mermaid Princess, in a previous post. Beth Maurer, the book's illustrator, sent me this today and I have to share it. It's just a rough sketch, one I'm sure Beth would hate for me to share, but I adore it so.
  
  This comes from the climax of the book, where Alfonso and Beatrice meet the mermaid princess. Look at Alfonso and the little girl in the bubble. That moment. Right there. That's what it's all about.
- It's Not You, It's Us
  
  Nov 16, 11
  
  It's hard to believe, but we have been trying to have a baby since March 2009 -- which means we are fast approaching the 3 year mark. It started with a very quick pregnancy after going off the pill and that pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage.
  
  Since then we've tried two different medical fertility treatments (clomid and IUI) and continue on our own. We have changed our diet, we've changed our sleep habits, and we're taking daily vitamins. Kelly is doing weekly acupuncture for stress relief and to improve fertility. Scott has cut back on coffee and long, hot baths. We have made these life changes to try to help our efforts in a more natural way. We are also pursuing adoption. We want to grow our family and we are not particular whether that is with a biological child or with an adopted child. This is not about a pregnancy; this is about growing our family. We have love to give and a yearning in our hearts to hold our little child.
  
  The processes of infertility and adoption both bring with them a roller coaster of feelings that change on a weekly basis. We range from the despair of another menstrual cycle to the hope of an ovulation through the tedium of the two week wait and back again to the disappointment that is a new menstrual cycle. A month is a very long time when it is punctuated by a period.
  
  On top of this, we are finding it emotionally overwhelming to be surrounded by our acquaintances, co-workers, and even our friends who are consumed with being new parents. We don't begrudge them, this is exactly where they (as new parents) should be -- but it's not where we are.
  
  We are trying to not think about our empty arms. We are trying to focus on our work and artistic endeavors. We are trying, as so many people have recommended, to "stop thinking about it." We try to be the supportive and caring friends that we want to be. But it's hard. It's hard to ignore what we don't have and what, it seems, everyone else around us has. It's hard to hear the complaints of no sleep and crying babies, when we pray each and every day for the joy and trials that come with a baby. It's hard to not really have a part in the conversations around us because we just don't understand what these new parents are going through.
  
  How can we? We are not where they are.
  
  We don't want to burden anyone with our sadness. Because, ultimately, we are not sad until we think about it. We are very blessed and praise God for that. We try to focus on all the good in our lives. We don't want to make anyone censor themselves and we don't want people to walk on egg shells around us. We try to step outside our own vulnerability and acknowledge that maybe people don't know what to say. We try to forgive people for saying or doing things that we perceive as inconsiderate because we know they don't mean it that way. They don't understand.
  
  How could they? They are not where we are.
  
  So we find that are we are distancing ourselves from certain social situations. We've given ourselves permission to go on as many date nights as we want (and can afford). We've given ourselves permission to skip the baby showers of all but our closest friends. We've given ourselves permission to be lazy on Sabbath and just spend time together.
  
  It's all we can do to stay sane in these trying times. We only have so much emotional fortitude. So if you're someone who's in our personal life, sorry if we seem distant. It's not you, it's us.
  
  -S&K
- Halloween 2011
  
  Oct 30, 11
  
  We are Boris and Natasha. We are looking for Moose and Squirrel. We found this moose and squirrel, but don't think they are the right Moose and Squirrel. Have you seen Moose and Squirrel?
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