Travis Helwig
writer, comedian and actor from brooklyn
Updates
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@tumblr I haven't looked at your site in weeks. Please win me back in 140 characters.5 hours ago from web | Reply, Retweet, Favorite
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Once you go black, you realize that race and sexual prowess are unrelated, you racist.6 hours ago from web | Reply, Retweet, Favorite
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"I just feel like I can't impress you much." -Someone breaking up with Shania Twain
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Having a girlfriend means hiding from your friends how much you love The Bachelor.12 hours ago from web | Reply, Retweet, Favorite
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Does Boston know it sucks yet?
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If we don't have world peace, Madonna will keep fucking dancing.
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"I can't wait for Madonna!" -No one
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If a puppy gets injured during the Puppybowl, it gets euthanized right there on the field.2 days ago from web | Reply, Retweet, Favorite
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Someone get James Franco to star in this. RT @BreakingNews: Mushroom pickers who went missing for 6 days in Oregon have been found.
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I'm a very serious professional writer, so if anyone has an extra Final Draft serial number let me know.3 days ago from web | Reply, Retweet, Favorite
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4 days ago from web | Reply, Retweet, Favorite
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We stopped #SOPA and refunded Planned Parenthood. Only a matter of time before Facebook adds a dislike button.4 days ago from web | Reply, Retweet, Favorite
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Well, what if I start a religion that lets gays marry? RT @MittRomney I will not hesitate to use the presidency to protect religious liberty4 days ago from web | Reply, Retweet, Favorite
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I hate on anyone who uses the term hater.5 days ago from web | Reply, Retweet, Favorite
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My cat is on a permanent staycation.5 days ago from web | Reply, Retweet, Favorite
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I'm only on Pinterest to meet women. Women who share my same taste in wedding dresses.5 days ago from web | Reply, Retweet, Favorite
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Happy Ignorant White People Posting Angry Updates About Black History Month on Facebook Month6 days ago from web | Reply, Retweet, Favorite
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I can't go home because there is a massive manhunt for a cop shooter 3 blocks from my house. WHO'S TOUGH NOW, MIDDLE SCHOOL BULLIES?!?
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What the shit are the Grammys?7 days ago from web | Reply, Retweet, Favorite
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Every white girls favorite Kanye lyric is "fish filet."
Posts
Better Catan shirt idea
i chant this at Catan night.
FOLLOW ASA!!! HIS ART IS AMAZING
Every end of the year Twitter list of “who to follow” always includes every person we already follow. So I decided to take it upon myself to make a list of 140 underrated, super funny tweeters with less than 20,000 followers. Enjoy. Follow. Share. And don’t suck dick for money.
Honest Holiday Card Song
Written by Emily Axford, produced by Eva, directed and shot by me. Enjoy!
Amazing.
I made my 3 year old nephew Andrew a video for Christmas. I hope you enjoy his fucking adorable life.
Attention must be paid: my aunt just told me she’s getting preview tickets to see PSH as Willy Loman and I literally shrieked. The jungle is dark but fill of SQUEES!
Life imitating Synecdoche, NY imitation synecdoche.
Bike messengers leaving the White House on Dec. 7, 1941, day of Pearl Harbor attack.
Audio
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What a great turn this song takes.101 plays
