Syleegurl

• An ad agency where I could support all of the West region (with some kick-ass leadership and growing like crazy)
• A mobile app startup doing amazing, disruptive things in the industry, young & small but growing...fast...
• And a national position at an ad-tech startup that's almost a grown up, but needs that extra push to get them there.

• Bin Laden was caught & killed
• LinkedIn went public thus starting what everyone fears to be a bubble
• The Rapture came and went
• Oh yeah, and I was told I'm being laid off, I professed my love to my ex-boyfriend who told me he's too F'd up to be in a relationship, I turned 1 year closer to 40, and I may be suffering from depression.  

• House Hunters International
• Quora
• Spending $200 at a time (I have no explanation...)
• Planning snowboarding trips 
• The Hawaiian Dreams collection on airbnb
• Mascara application
• Kicking ass at my new job
• Not looking back at the insane asylum that is my old job
• OWN - the Oprah Winfrey Network (don't judge)
• Scrabble app on my ipad
• Redfin.com
• Finding the perfect aqua paint color for my home office walls
• The mac app store
• My right knee & the weird ball rolling around under the skin of my kneecap
• Coconut water
• Tying my scarf in a "Nordstrom knot"
• Acme pan de san francisco bread

I get it.  Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy is popular.  I've read it.  I loved it.  But I'm tired of seeing it recommended to me every time I buy a book.  I even bought the books from you!  So please just turn it off!

I gotta say, your Duke F@%K List has caused quite the stir.  Girl, if you're gonna put all your business out there, be prepared for the fallout.  Still, I have to admit, that was ONE entertaining read!  I laughed...it reminds me of the conversations I have (in private, mind you) with my girlfriends.

Couple things I find confusing:

How is it that with all the brew-ha-ha about the "Subjects" you go into detail describing, YOU haven't gotten much flack for being such a floozy!  I mean, c'mon! You slept with the entire team(s), practically.

Also, I gotta say, I was surprised to find that you're not that even that pretty!  And some of those guys were pretty hot.  Well, you did mention that most of them were under extreme alcohol-influence.  (this is not one of your best pictures, BTW)

Shame on you. Let's make this clear, I am not quite ready yet to enter Cougarville.  Yet your charm and so-obviously-too-young-for-me good looks keep beckoning me towards there.  However, just when I thought that maybe I'd throw caution and all common-sense to the wind and possibly "hang out", your perfectly cliche youth and immaturity kicked me in the gut...thanks for the favor and the slap awake to reality.

With that said, I'd like to share some tidbits to help you in your future with women.  Consider it my "Mrs. Robinson" moment, only not rated R.

• Girls don't want to hear you urinate while on the phone with them.  So, as much as I appreciate you giving me notice that you "have to piss" or "take a leak", I don't want to hear the actual act.  Not hot.
• So, like, I get that you have to like, tell me a story, but like, I want to pull out like every eyelash every time I like hear you say "like".  Like, ok?
• I can appreciate being a student (yes, he's a student...ack) and not having any money.  But, the whole "you can be my Sugar Mama" thing is a major turn off.  Show some ambition, get a job during your summer break (yes, he's on summer break...ack)
• And while you're at it, I don't want to hear about how you had cereal every meal for 2 days and then had peanut butter on a tortilla because you didn't have bread.  Just makes me sad, really.
• Telling me how you haven't changed your sheets in "like, maybe a year" makes me want to vomit. 
• Describing your room as "so not a 23 year old's room" yet displaying a Bob Marley poster and a big black bean bag in the corner says differently.  Oh yeah, and that Japanese army poster you're so proud of...well, study some history...I'm Korean.
• If I was 25, maybe the "Asian girls are so fucking hot" compliment would make my heart warm, but really...that much enthusiasm kinda annoys me now.
• Anything more than 10 years is no longer counted in years, but rather generations.  Take note.

So I noticed how you started small, basically just irritating the left corner of my mouth.  How the hell did you turn into this monsterous, red, crusty flesh-eating-virus-thingy?  Look, I admit I have been uber-stressed, working way too hard, eating like shit, and not sleeping...and yeah, PMS'ing.  But, I thought the whole point of getting older and dealing with (minor) laugh lines and crows feet was a trade off for not having a disgusting break out of acne!  

...aka my father...

You think you can use Thanksgiving as an excuse.  Thanksgiving is but one day.  What's the excuse for the other 3 days of this weekend in which you have overindulged in leftovers, Mom's cooking, brunch w/ old friends, pie, pie, pie, bowls of mashed potatoes cold out of the fridge just while walking around the house...

You intimidate the crap out of me.  I hate that.  I am a bumbling idiot around you.  And it doesn't help that you're brilliant and witty and perfect in every way.  In any case, if you could please break your nose or get a really bad haircut of some kind or even just turn out to be a huge jerk I'd really appreciate it.  That way, I won't feel so absolutely smitten by you and I can silence the little voice in my head that says you're way out of my league and replace it with a confident "you're not all that"...snap, snap...

I had my reservations about you just via our initial phone conversations.  But, I talked myself into being open-minded and at least giving you a chance.  I wasn't expecting too much...and boy did you seriously come in under the very low bar I had set. 


As I believe that everyone deserves love in their life, I'd like to give you some tips to reference when experiencing future 1st dates...just the basics:


On a 1st date, if inviting a girl to watch Monday Night Football, please clarify that you mean "not at a bar or restaurant with food and drink but rather at my house where I will offer you nothing but water and make an already uncomfortable situation even more awkward by making us sit together squished on my very small couch"


On a 1st date, don't play that game of "make her wait at the front door and ring the doorbell 3 times while I pretend that I was preoccupied and couldn't come down to open the door"


On a 1st date, be mindful of your attire.  You don't have to wear a tuxedo.  But walking around in your furry house slippers the whole time does not bode well.  Seriously.


On a 1st date, remember that conversation is key.  Dialogue, not monologue buddy.  Don't cut your date off any time she starts to speak and interject with what you assume to be witty/sarcastic/funny tidbits/factoids/jokes when in fact you are hovering very near the line titled "asshole".


On a 1st date, don't interrogate your date about her most recent ex over and over and over and over again.  Because really, at this point early on, its none of your business.


On a 1st date, don't ask your date to describe her "type", force her to answer though she's visible uncomfortable with doing so, and then say, out loud, "check" every time you think you've matched a characteristic she lists.  (and PS - let's get real here:  you can remove the self-anointed "check" from the smart, funny, and socially aware categories)


On a 1st date, when giving the tour of your home, do NOT, and I will repeat do NOT, say "this is where the magic happens" when showing your bedroom.  I can NOT believe that people ACTUALLY say that anywhere other than on MTV Cribs. 

On a 1st date, stop yourself from doing the yawn-stretch-put-your-arm-around-a-girl-move.  The last time that move actually worked was in the era of Richie Cunningham...and maybe even long before then.  What are we 14 again?  I thought it was a joke at first.  I was sadly mistaken.

I could go on and on and on...but I will leave you with this:

On a 1st date, be aware.  If the girl is obviously not into you (and hey, I've been known to give mixed signals, but DEFINITELY not last night...my disgust and misery were very, very clear), let it go...let her go.  Don't pout.  Don't try and hold on.  Don't make excuses to keep her there.  Don't block the door as she's trying to kindly make her way to her car.  Don't text her once she leaves...twice. Don't call.  Don't follow up.  Just let it go...let her go.

Seriously. 

There will be others. 

So take note. 

And best of luck to ya...

Love (and I say that only as my normal sign-off...don't read into it!),
Me

Respectfully, you're not worth the hype...nor the $4. Fortunately, you are merely a seasonal beverage.

Lovingly Yours,
Me

Look, I know its really inconvenient with the Bay Bridge closure to have ALL of these people trying to pack into these little sardine cans just to get to the city for work...tight fit...breath and body everywhere.  It sucks.  And for you regular BART'ers out there, I'm sure you don't appreciate having us AC Transit bus riders and those non-earth-friendly car drivers stuffing and pushing into your ride.  Still, when I come on board and try to find myself a spot on the ground to plant my feet, take a look.  Clearly at a mere 5'0 tall, I'm closer to the floor than to the overhead hand rail.  No, I can't reach.  So, how 'bout you stop giving me a dirty look when I hold on to the corner of your seat.  I'm not trying to get up in your business, touch your hair, or steal anything.  I'm simply trying to avoid falling on my ass.  And may I remind you, you have a seat, I don't.  Let's all just try to ride along in peace.  And if not, F you.  See what happens when BART strikes and you try coming onto my bus...I'll show you unwelcoming...

Until then, ride on...

Love,
Me

Let's just put it all on the table, shall we? I despise you. From the very essence of my being, I HATE you. Probably the least enjoyable 3 hours I have spent in some time was dedicated to telling you how many categories of regulatory signs California has, and what you should do in icy weather (I live in San Francisco). That being said, I must admit that you are quite effective as a preventive tool. I NEVER want to hang out with you again, and to make sure that I don't, I am going to start being the most by-the-rules driver in the city. So here's to you, Online Traffic School, with a hearty F*** you and a nice boot in the ass as I kick you out the door.

Lovingly Yours,
Me

I am utterly confused by your purpose in life. As I stand in line watching the lady in front of me order you at 8:30 in the morning, I wonder..."Why?". I mean really...what good does that do? If its purely to have the coffee taste without the wake-me-up-and-keep-me-going effects of the caffeine, isnt that kinda superficial? Like dating a gorgeous playboy bunny with no brains? I guess if it were like that, Id expect more men to drink you.

So, Im just left wondering...

To each his own, I guess. Carry on.

Love,
Me

I have enjoyed our long, committed relationship for almost 40 years. You have been my babysitter, travel companion, and English teacher among your many roles. Now it is time for our relationship to change. With a family of my own, there are just too many demands on my time and you are my #1 time-sucker. Everytime I turn you on, I am seduced into watching just "one more show" and before I know it, the evening is over. I find your "next week on..." previews too enticing, giving me glimpses into future, fabulous episodes that will surely take away time from me and my family.

So I'm putting myself on a strict TV diet. I am limiting myself to the absolute essentials - Top Chef, Project Runway, Grey's Anatomy, and Drop Dead Diva. I will not turn on the television to watch ever ubiquitous House Hunters, Iron Chef, and Criminal Minds. I will surely miss the drama, inanity, and insanity of those and other shows, but I will learn to live without - for myself and for my family.

With great affection,
Me

You help me get through my work day. You offer thousands, nay, MILLIONS of time-wasters like facebook, twitter, *cough* blogging, and the like. That being said, I feel pretty unsatisfied at the end of the day. You tease me but don't please me. I wish I knew how to quit you!

Lovingly Yours,
Me