i am lisa

(via The Café Sucré Farine: Love at First Bite - Strawberry Balsamic Pizza w/ Roasted Chicken, Sweet Onion and Applewood Smoked Bacon)

nikolawashere:

Well That Hurt by Me

ysvoice:

| ♕ |  Cassaro - Citta Vecchia in Sicily  | by © Andrea Ciambra

octopirecipes:

THE HAWKNEST IS COMPLETE.

“I’ve got a lot of people coming up to me being like, ‘Pff, you’re not that guy, I’ve seen that guy, you’re not him.’” (x)

phoods:

(via The Yum Yum Factor: Linguine with raw tomato sauce)

• me looking at old pictures: why
• me looking at old videos: why
• me looking at old hair cut: why
• me looking at old clothes: why
• me looking at old crush: why

freecocaine:

sailorswayze:

example of why i dont make comics very often

 #tumblr.com

sherlockspeare:

Now Believe it, John. It’s a revelation from Heaven.

I might be ruining my relationships, that is what it seems. I know, since I think I made someone cry, because of what I’ve typed on here and of course, many people angry at me for being such a “bitch.” It’s maybe because you don’t understand me. It’s maybe because you don’t know me. It’s maybe that.

I’m a pussy. I don’t confront people, I’m a wimp. You don’t know how many times I have to say it, to type it out. Just get the picture. Here, this diary, this blog, lay the inner workings of my mind and how I view the world and people. From my ups and downs. You are the one that chooses to read this blog, not me. You can make assumptions if you want. But remember, they are assumptions and they might be wrong or fully right, whatever the case is, you don’t have proof of who I am talking about unless it comes from my mouth or it is blatantly typed on here. But it isn’t. So go ahead assume all you want. You can ignore it or take them into consideration.

Whatever you want to do them, to judge me, to hate me, to keep track of me, whatever you want. But remember, you might be assuming the wrong things, because I make wrong assumptions too. I make mistakes, I will try to fix them, unless they are things that aren’t worth fixing, because it’ll never change.

My memories will always be there. The past will always linger. I wish I could make it go away, but I don’t think my heart will. It’s been kicked around for too long. I wonder what do people think of me, but at the same time I don’t care. It’s weird, to care and not to care. It’s like you care of some impression you give unto others, but the rest of yourself doesn’t care, because if people don’t like you, why even try making them like you. It’s not worth the effort. Rumors will spread, but at least deep down you know the truth about yourself. Good or bad.

I don’t like it when people dig. It’s not annoying, it’s just makes me feel uneasy. The uneasiness doesn’t make me feel any better. I will let you dig, when I do. But if you forcefully do that, I don’t think it would help our relationship grow. Understand there are such things as limitations. I remember a lot of things only because it makes other people happy. For example I know what you like, I know what she used to like, I know what she likes, I know what my mom likes, I know what my sister likes, I know what I like.

******

I’m not angry at you. I’m annoyed by you. You are hurt so many times, that you are willing to go back to the person that has hurt, beaten, almost destroy you for the millionth time again? It doesn’t make any sense. But does it? It doesn’t. But the one thing you need to understand is that I’ve already forgiven, but why would I want to be friends with a person who’s told you to keep away from me, why would I want to be friends with a person who keeps on lying to me, why would I want to be friends with a person who’s called me a bitch? Does it make sense? She’s said it, doesn’t that means she means it? I don’t say a lot of things, because guess what I re-evaluate myself before I start saying it. I don’t need to bring other people down for my well-being, for my own confidence. If you really believe it, then go ahead. It’s just a cycle isn’t it? I’m nothing but a back-up because you don’t have her. And now it feels as if I’m tossed aside once again. I don’t know if I should thank you for that or just feel like shit. Maybe both. But it’s whatever right? You’re  sorry, right? You say sorry so many times it’s not even worth you apologizing for something you’ve intentionally done, right? Yeah. I’ll be out of your life, it’s good for you, me and her right? I hate liars. And you’re lying, it’s been too many times I’ve let it go. Not this time. You know what you are doing. Plus, stop asking another person if this other person knows what’s wrong. Guess what? Nothing’s wrong with me.

If all you do is bring false hope, then just stay quiet. If all you do is break your word, then why do you keep saying things that you’ll never keep. It’s like you’re leading excuse over excuse. It doesn’t make sense and it makes us never expect anything from you. It makes you look worse than you are. If the result is always the same, meaning, you break your promise, your word, you make an excuse, why do you need to apologize, when all you really need to do is just do what you said. If you can’t do that, how can anyone trust you? How can I trust you?

it began
a couple words
then it was no words
no gestures
no more, is what it always is
and will be
and was 

In the middle of the night, our thoughts run wild. Our brain churns and turns these cogs that make our mind go crazy in the night. As simple as sleep, we wake up the next day, fresh and anew. Like a blank slate, like yesterday never even began. We don’t forget, we will always remember the feelings we had of yesterday.

The future, uncertain, but paved. We don’t know what will happen, until we actually go for it, until we actually choose what we want. Running wild, would be the easiest, but not what we are. We are simply creatures of different thoughts, a different set of morals, a different set of ethics, a different set of everything. Individuality, not imitation. A person, not a copycat.

Why do I always concern myself with other people when it seems like all my worries and cares are just fucking blown off. Then I regret getting pissed or angry and it overwhelms me and I just start fucking crying.

I really hate people. I really hate myself.

I just wish that you’d notice that you are hurting yourself. Yes, you know who you are. You have a goal, but right now you’re stuck, aren’t you? Your goal was that, but now it seems like you just do it to hurt yourself. Why? Please don’t confront me about this. Or ask me about this when we see each other. All I want you to do is to reevaluate what you are doing to yourself, to everything. You have a goal, the reason to do this, your motivation, but you’re at a rut. And it’s not helping yourself see that you can reach this goal, it’s not helping me stop worrying.

It annoys me that you do this, even though you know it doesn’t help. You know it, but you keep doing it. It’s like me with my skin picking, I still do it, but I’m trying to stop. I just hate it when people pester me about little things, when you of all people do the worst of the worst, is destroy yourself. I can see that you’re developing something and you can’t. That something is dangerous to your mind and it won’t help you realize that goal.

The only way I communicate my emotions is through words on a screen, writing on paper, or drawing. If you do read this thoroughly, I will see, if you don’t, I will know. This is the “almost.” You’re not invincible, you’re just you. You just can’t see you’re stuck and this motivation is gone, it’s just become a habit, a tick you have to fulfill.

I hate myself so much right now, because I can’t do anything, I can’t confront you or anyone about anything on my mind: emotions, some confrontational thoughts, my self-loathing. It’s not because I won’t, it’s because my own self won’t let me. I wasn’t allowed emotions, I wasn’t allowed to show self-loathing, and if you think for you it’s okay for me to show you my emotions, just remember, it’s not okay for me. I don’t trust anyone with my emotions, only myself and these words. If only people understood that.

the soft crashes of the ocean
going, swaying, back and forth

the cries of birds echo past the sky
wandering, wondering what lies beyond

alarming waves soar past above the eyes
deeper, darker into the silent abyss

soundless crash into deep under
silence, utter and complete silence 

We all have fears. Don’t be afraid of admitting them, it doesn’t make you so much as a “wimp” if you are willing to admit you have faults. I do too. Just know, it is what makes us who we are. And we are the people of this society.

• Start Physics HW
• Read Philosophy
• Find my AP Scores/Paper (fuck)
• Try to get rid of this headache
• ↑↑Do all that before 3PM?↑↑
• Maybe go watch “The Grey”
• Play with my hair and make up (lol)

Things I should buy soon:

• Moisturizer (with SPF!)
• Neutrogena’s Toner
• Maybe a new pencil case (if I don’t get it back)
• More books to read: The Hunger Games Trilogy, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest, A Single Man, 1Q84

I finally cut my hair! :D Although I asked my mom for side-bangs… she cut them wrong when I finally told her and then she’s like… “WHAT? Why did you tell me sooner! I messed up.” And I’m like, “IT’S OKAY MOM, I DON’T MIND I JUST WANT A CHANGE, IT’S OKAY!” Haha!

Lost two dollars today. :( Don’t tell me that it’s stupid, fuck I could fucking get two boxes of sour patch kids, dumb shit. (psst, it directly at someone, i wonder who?!)

:) On to other news, I did my weekly grocery shopping for lunch things. I’m gonna bring yogurt instead of pistachios this week! I have to get used to this hair, like there’s this shadow I see and I feel something on my forehead… LOL.

I was planning to chop it all off, but I’ve always wanted really long hair, like the length I have now, which is mid-back? :) I’m happy. Although it’s uneven, it’s all good.

It was okay, until:

* I got pissed off at my emo sister
* I lost my fucking pencil case
* I fucking feel like a shitty friend to two people
* I fucking feel like a fat blob (i just fucking do)
* I feel like fucking shit
* I lost my fucking pencil case
* fucking lost my pencil case
* got pissed off at myself and everything

I’m just annoyed with myself and everything. I fucking hate this. 

Things just happen. It’s either luck, pure hard work, or my loving friends and family that “happen.” I know how to support myself and those that I love dearly (or at least I try).

On another note: Shit, I just heard the cat. FUCK. JUST FUCK. I’M FUCKING SCARED/TERRIFIED. I DON’T KNOW WHY. THOSE MEOW’S ARE FUCKING CREEPY AS FUCK. GEEBUS SAVE ME.

I understand other people. I just didn’t understand why did you lie to me. It’s not like I’d get angry or pissed off at you if you told me that you were going to hang out with them. You just have to understand, I know you’ve been lying to me for a very long time. You said you were “busy,” I know you weren’t. You were with her. You said “mom’s angry,” I know she was, but you were still with her. You said “I’m going to my relatives,” I knew you weren’t.

Just stop lying. Just stop. ‘Cause if you do keep on lying to me after this about you and her, I’m sorry. This friendship can’t last. You don’t have to lie to me, you have to know I won’t get as angry as I am now with you. ‘Cause guess what, it fucking hurts. And I didn’t know you’d hurt me this badly with this last lie you just texted me.

Keep on doing this, you think it’s going to protect me, but it’s your blatant lies that hurt me, not the actions you are trying to hide from me. Just letting you know that.

                                                    *****

It’s been awhile since I’ve been this emotional to actually type something out. I just never expected it to be her to make me this emotional. Right now, everything sucks, only because I never expected it to be her making me pissed off. Usually it’s not her, but now… It’s her.

Why do I do this, when I’m angry/pissed off. I usually don’t get this angry or pissed off, plus this feeling usually goes away by the time I wake up from my sleep, but I’m still angry. Still.

Where you just have to stop. Haven’t you seen the bullying that goes on from a day to day basis. I just don’t want to see that point where it all ends.

Yeah, she accepts it, but up to a point. And you push that limit, and if you push it too hard, you don’t know what might happen. You are the adults, you put a thought into her head that she’s different. Yes, she accepts it, but up to a point. When you see her pout and brood, that’s the limit and that’s not helping her self-esteem anymore than teasing you and your habits, my habits, anyone’s simple habits.

Yes, the teasing might’ve made you stronger, but it doesn’t mean she’s wired the same way you are. She’s not like anyone but herself. And when you see that open spot and just make that spot more obvious then it begins to hurt. Maybe you’ve never felt that type of pain, but you have to understand, she has felt it, and even if you did feel that similar pain, she’s not like you. She’s still young, the mind that can still hear that other people are louder than her own words/thoughts.

This is why I don’t want a child, because children don’t know the truths of things, the reasons of things, the “logic” of things. And I will hurt them, maybe it won’t make them stronger, maybe it will. But you know you have much more power over them. And if you can’t tell it fucking hurts, then maybe you should access yourself first. Maybe your self-esteem is lower than you think, maybe you’re more hurt by the similar words said to you and you just want others to be just as “strong” as you. But there is one thing you must understand, they are fucking different. Don’t tell them to not believe in something just because you don’t believe it. Just tell them it’s okay, that nothing will happen to you, because you’re still there. Yes, the first two are lies, but the last is true. Isn’t it?

It really annoys me when people tease other people about things they can’t change. There is a limit, yes, at first they will be okay with it, but once you see that they are pouting, brooding, even crying, that’s the limit and that’s where you should stop and shut the fuck up. Because it fucking hurts. It’s like someone driving a stake into your brain, and those words are telling you: “you’re different, feel bad, feel fucking bad that you are different, why weren’t you born like them? why aren’t you like other people?” And it fucking hurts. Words fucking hurts.

It’s like questioning yourself, “what is wrong with you? go fix it. do something to fucking fix the wrongness you were born with. you were born wrong. you were wired wrong. you probably don’t and will never belong to this family because you are so different. you don’t belong to this world because you are so fucking different. maybe it’s time to kill yourself, because you’re wrong. your genes are wrong. you’re wrong.” You implant words into young minds that aren’t strong enough to fight it. Words are strong things that can give you the will to live and the will to die. It hurts.

Think that next time.

Stop expecting the world to be better for you
Stop expecting other people to change for you
Stop expecting so much of everything else.
Start expecting the world of yourself,
 Before you start expect everything else to fall in place
 You are the last puzzle piece,
 If the world doesn’t fall into your hands as you expect it should
 Start re-evaluating your expectations of yourself
 If you expect so much of everything and everyone else
 Then we expect the same from you

Don’t be pathetic. 

Yes, there are things you are naturally good at and there are things where you have to work hard to get at. If you work hard on both, then probably you’ll reach that dream of your’s. Although, if you think half-assing is all you need, you are entirely wrong. Because each person’s dream is made up of things he or she is perfectly natural at doing and the other half is just the determination and hard work he or she needs to fully achieve it.

In this world I have seen so much bullshitting, half-assing that I’m tired of it. Then we shift the blame to our instructors, where then many of us complain he or she gives out too much homework, it’s too much work, i’m lazy, or it’s too hard. If it was easy, then wouldn’t many of us live a life of walking and wandering, because life’s too easy. Our brains wouldn’t been stimulated, it would be mush, we’d all be mush. Be we are not mush, we are people who like stimulating our brains, but sometimes, I think you need to push it to the test. Those who want to get through school easy, by taking easy classes are not going to be the top of the top. We all strive to what we call success, billionaires, but only a few can reach that top.

There will be obstacles and those obstacles are those moments where you must realize that half-assing isn’t going to be enough, and that bullshitting will take you no where. You must realize, life isn’t going to be easy, but the future can be easier if you realize that most of it is probably hard work. Not many of us come from riches, for those who are, good for you, but for others, it’s called hard work and determination. We all fight laziness when we walk, when we talk, when we plan to go hang out with friends, we’re just procrastinators. Yes, even I admit it, but if you want to reach your dream, I believe you first must realize it’s not going to be easy, then comes the hard work and determination.

For some it will be short, for others it will be long. But if you want to reach the end, your goal, don’t just wish it, do the work, do the shit that needs to be done, ‘cause probably it’ll be worth it.

Too many of you bullshit through things, if you do that, don’t expect great results. Do the work and stay determined, that’s all you really need.

I haven’t been able to sleep early in a long while. :( I mean not even reading books help me. What I think is that I need to get in some exercise. Yeah.

I don’t know. I’m tired of sleeping so late and waking up so late, it doesn’t feel right.

I’m glad that there are people who understand my reasons for doing things and not doing things. I’m just thankful for you guys. :)