What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino and a female sheep having sex with elephant dung? The 'ell if I know, ewe fucking shit.
What did the Elephant Man say on his Bar Mitzvah? "Today I am an Elephant Man."
An elephant was backing into a parking spot, when suddenly a giraffe in a convertible pulled into his spot. The elephant drives back, looks the giraffe straight in the eyes, and says, "I'll remember this."
An elephant walks into a '80's rock concert. There were no Survivor.
Why did the fat-ass elephant get busted for heroin? Because there was junk in her trunk.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I do know: we just had sex and he refused to make me a sandwich." - Gruch-0 Marks
What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter? Why would you do that?
It's 1940 and two elephants are waiting to audition for Fantasia. One gets called into an office. Several hours later, the elephant stumbles out, wearing a tutu, and being escorting by two ostriches. She turns to the another elephant and says, "Walt Disney is one sick fuck."
Last call arrives for Larry the Barfly and his friend, Tony. When Larry offers another round, Tony declines. "I'm going cold turkey," he says. Larry the Barfly say - s, "Cold turkey? You'll get the D.T.'s." "What's that?" asks Tony. "The D.T.'s are the shakes you get when you withdrawl from alcohol. Gets so bad you hallucinate pink elephants." "Pink elephants, eh? That don't sound so bad." "'Don't sound so bad?'" mocks Larry. "The worst part is the elephant will want to sodomize you and there's nothing you can do about it." "Nothing?" "Well," says Larry, "There's one thing you can do. That pink elephant's gonna fuck you up the ass no matter what, but he'll make it less painful if you offer him a Kit Kat bar." "Kit Kat bar, huh? That's the most rediculious thing I ever heard. Well, gotta go, Larry. Take care."
Larry the Barfly waves good-bye as Tony leaves the bar and walks home. On a whim, Tony stops by the liquor store to purchase a Kit Kat bar, but all they have is Almond Joy, so Tony gets that and a Dasani and goes home.
Without alcohol, Tony feels restless and can't sleep. At 3 in the morning, he begins to sweat. He showers and walks around town, limping and gasping. At 5, Tony returns home. He feels different, nervous. Maybe it's the D.T.'s, Tony thinks. Suddenly, he hears the thumping of an elephant. Scared, he grabs his Almond Joy candy bar.
A pink elephant enters the room, looks at Tony, looks at the candy bar. Both remain quiet.
Finally, the pink elephant speaks. "Larry told me you'd have a Kit Kat bar," says the pink elephant.
Photo credits: CNN, Microsoft Clip Art, Luggage Tuesdays archive.
- Garlic Cheese Fries - no one invited you, Garlic.
- Wallet, Unchained - What to call Django, Unchained after spending $30 on tickets.
- Hack List March 2013.
- Savory Pop Tarts.
- Bathing in n00b tears.
- What's cannon and not cannon in The Pirates of the Carribean universe.
- Hack List December 2012.
- Horse racing as a metaphor.
- Following food trucks on Flickr.
- Commercials for restaurant chains not in your neighborhood.
- Hack List January 2013.
See also: family restaurant menu parody.
Our seven course meal are for a limited time only. Not to be combine with six course deal. Note: Seating available only for 30 minute limit per table.
1. Steak with cocktail sauce.
2. Soup in salad.
3. Double bacon fishburger.
4. Melon mint intermezzo, served over server's CD demo.
5. Hot Coffee Nondairycreamershake.
6. Cheese plate.
7. 18% gratuity added to bill.
There's the kick-off of another (!) Google Hangout on Air show hosted by Luggage Tuesdays' Mike Spiegelman, called You Suck, Public Domain! Here, art films found on YouTube get heckled.
Stretching the very concept of live streaming tweeting to the limit, host Mike Spiegelman welcomes Chicago comedian Roman Leo back to the program. Using his cellphone as a hot spot (take that, land lines!), Roman tweets with Spiegs, despite to being seen for most of the show.
Host Mike Spiegelman is so charmed by San Francisco comedian David Cairns, he lets it slide that Cairns never writes a tweet in this episode of Hanging With My Tweeps.
This very popular episode of Hanging With My Tweeps has Nenna Joiner, owner of FeelMore510 and noted adult film director chatting with host Mike Spiegelman.
Natasha Muse, SF's finest comedian, graces host Mike Spiegelman on this episode of Hanging with My Tweeps.
Excited to be part of the country's best comedy festival. I'll be performing in three shows:
Monday, January 28th, 8pm (tonight! buy tickets here!)
Killing My Lobster/Mission CTRL/ Hosted by Two Hot Mics
Eureka Theater, San Francisco
Celebrity impersonator Mike Spiegelman (playing himself) can’t get a break, until Sir Michael Caine (celebrity impersonator Colin Mahan) joins him onstage and teaches him acting. In the end, Spiegelman discovers it’s ok to be himself and Colin discovers it’s better to remain someone else.
Tuesday, February 5th, 8pm 21+ (buy tickets)
SF Sketchfest Presents The Layover Comedy
Layover Music Bar and Lounge
Only East Bay show at SF Sketchfest.
Hosted by Mike Spiegelman.
Conor Kellicut (Woody Allen's new movie)
Special appearance by Nenna "FeelMore510" Joiner.
FiveTenBurger truck will be there.
Sunday, February 9th, 7pm (buy tickets)
A Funny Night For Comedy! With Natasha Muse
A Funny Night for Comedy is a live action late-night talk show featuring Natasha Muse (“Best Tranny Comedian,” SF Weekly) and sidekick Ryan Cronin. Every second Sunday of the month they (along with house band Mike Spiegelman and the Euphonic Cacophony, Sign Master Brian Fields, and Kirsten the Stage Manager) welcome the brightest up-and-coming comedians of the Bay Area (and beyond) in a warmly weird evening filled with stand-up, sketch, and improv. It’s the only show in San Francisco (possibly the world) where the price of admission includes delectable homemade fried chicken as well as a slice of delicious lemon cake because we don’t just want to make you laugh, we want to make you happy.With guests Julia Hladkowicz and Matt Davis.
This week, we talk turkey...turkey bacon, that is. Over a sizzling pan of God's cruelest breakfast meat, Mike runs over some basic Twitter tips before Colin @Lazer_Foxx Mahan pops up and plugs their upcoming SF Sketchfest show.
- Restaurants that have a bookcase of cookbooks in their restrooms.
- Buying and selling gold.
- Taking alchemy lessons.
- Hack List April 2012.
A One-Man Play for Two Actors
Mark Twain is at his desk, writing.
(writing in his journal) The coldest winter I've ever spent was...(notices audience). Oh, hello, I didn't see you come in. My name is Samuel Clemens.
Enter Ben Franklin
Early to best, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and... (notices audience) Oh, I didn't see you sitting there. My name is Benjamin Franklin.
(noticing Franklin) Oh, hello, I didn't see you come in. My name is...
Oh, I didn't see you sitting there. My name is...
Ben Franklin (overlapping)
Mark Twain (overlapping)
Two guys were hiking in the desert when suddenly a poisonous snake bites one of the guys right on his dick.
"Call a doctor," said the man, as the snake slithered away.
His buddy calls the doctor. Doctor says, "You have to suck out the poison thoroughly or your friend is going to die!"
Dude hangs up the phone, turns to his pal, and says, "I've got some bad news. Doctor says we have to 69."
"I better call a doctor," said his friend.
"Not yet," said the guy.
(As told by Gus Van Sant)
The morning sun touches the arid desert. Two friends walk. They don't say much. They walk past cacti and odd-looking trees and driftwood and shrubbery. When they do speak, they share a joke together: they call each other Gerry. The sun rises, warping the air. They walk.
Then a snake bites one of the Gerrys on the dick. That Gerry looks at the other Gerry. The other Gerry looks at the first Gerry. Snake looks at Gerry - I forget which one. Then the snake slithers away.
Sick, Gerry walks. They both walk. As the sun returns to the horizon, Gerrys walk. Gerry dies in the desert. The other Gerry walks to the edge of the highway. The end.
Two guys were hiking in the desert, when a poisonous snake bites one of the dudes' cock.
"Kill that snake," the injured man told his friend.
"No, don't!" cried the snake.
"You're a talking snake?" asked the man.
"I was a Hollywood starlet until an old witch turned me into a snake," said the snake. "The only way to turn me back is to bite your dick."
"What Hollywood starlet are you?"
"How old are you?"
"OK, I'm Jennifer Lawrence."
Two guys were hiking in the desert, when a poisonous snake bites one of the bro's hose, then slithers away.
"Ouch!" said the victim.
"Ha!" said his mate. "Did you ever see Snakes on a Plane?"
"Call a doctor!"
His mate pulled out his cellphone but doesn't call.
Finally, the snake-bitten bro said, "Have you called the doctor?"
"Not yet," said his mate. "First I'm posted on Facebook a clip of Snakes on a Plane that was edited for TV. Instead of saying 'motherfucker,' Samuel Jackson's saying 'Monday Friday.'"
Welcome to Luggage Tuesdays, a humor site I've run since 2007. I'm Mike Spiegelman.
There are many ways to view new content without going to the site:
RSS Feed - add it to your RSS reader.
Facebook - get notified on your favorite website.
Twitter - get notified on my favorite website.
Friendfeed - remember Friendfeed?
Podcast - Using text-to-speech technology, Odiogo.com transforms written posts into audio mp3s. I've been using this service for 4 or 5 years now.
Want to view old content?
Archives - on the right-hand side of the site is an Archive button (file cabinet icon), but I prefer using the Twitter page which lists all posts with links.
Best of Luggage Tuesdays - Taking the Twitter page as archives concept a little further, I've "starred" the best material, which can be found on the Twitter account's Favorites page.
Compilations - I've complied old material and posted it on Scribd. There are embedded below.
Want even more content?
Ebaumsworld - I've been blogging there.
Hanging With My Tweeps - Live weekly video podcast. I post them on Luggage Tuesdays.
Luggage Tuesmblrs - Official Tumblr site. Lots of stuff that wouldn't fit the official site.
Other Tumblr sites: Fuck Yeah Victoria Jackson, Aw Snap!, @Spiegelmania, Layover Comedy Night, The Bitter Show.
Superhero Parody 2012 Annual
Restaurant Menu Parody
The Mike Spiegelman Joke Book
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who is floating in the ocean?
You call him a MAN!
How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
As many Polacks as it TAKES!
FUNNY NIGHT: Harmon Leon, Colin Mahan & Mike Spiegelman
COMEDY SOLO SHOWS FROM HARMON LEON AND COLIN MAHAN
Host: The Comedy Duo of Laundry Basket and Spiegelman
Opportunities for blondes
Sounds awesome. Close down the street!
Hey Monster, Hands off my City - Official Trailer (by Brian Tuohy)
Comedian Mike Meehan’s film version of his one-man show about San Francisco.
This show looks pretty good
Live at Mayday 92 -Joey Beltram ( A new Chapter of House and Techno) (by SuperSPIKE83)
Where can I go to watch an extended version of The Hangover Part 3 trailer?
I've fallen and I can't beat off.
Don't Avoid the Noid. He knows dirt about your favorite late '80's corporate logos. Didja know 7up's Fido Dido & Cool Spot were into scat?
My favorite episode of Laverne and Shirley is when they move from Milwalkee to Los Angeles. They just walk off the set. 3 minute episode.
Baby Boomers, you know that Quisp and Quake were the same alien disguised as two? Stupid Boomers...
How can you forget the words to Popeye, The Sailor Man? Like half of the lyrics is the title.
Astronauts have a drink they call a Heaven and Hell - it's cold fresh milk mixed with Tang.
If I ever heard of ghost peppers before, I would had never slaughtered all those peppers in the first place.
If anyone wants to here me reciting the entire Hangover Part 3 movie trailer from memory, call me.
A bird in the hand is really filthy, worth nothing.
Come back, Monstars. All is forgiven. #SpaceJam
Forget gorging on Arrested Development - tomorrow, I'm watching Hangover Part III in one sitting.
Tessie: Hiya, Jessie! Jessie: Hiya, Sticky Buns! Tessie: Jessie, don't call me that, that's offensive. I'm gluten intolerant! #DisneyChannel
Jessie: Have some cake. Messie: I'm gluten intolerant. Jessie: Whaddaya mean? Messie: I cross the street when I see a gluten. #DisneyChannel
Disney Channel apologizes for making fun of gluten intolerance on 'Jessie,' pulls episode. Now if that doesn't take the cake.
How many time travellers does it take to screw 4 it's always 4 in a lightbulb?
These American Apparel leggings are ideal for kicking it on a couch in a basement rec room.
RT @oaklandlayover: Comedy tonight with Joey Devine, Jessica Sele, Mike Spiegelman, Raj Dutta, Sandra Risser, John Urlie, Drew Harmon,... h…
"What If God Ate One of Us?" - Joan Osbourne, singing to Gummi Bears.
A classic example of an unreliable narrator is the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter guy.