Smitsus

hallo kamu,

My mind is bothering me just way too much.
That i had to drive my car recklessly (and well thanks God nothing bad happened to me) in the highway to ran from an old man that sat calmly with his cigar in his mouth in the backseat (omayga i even, got goosebumps writing this). The saddest part was that this particular old man was not even exist. It is just what my mind have created earlier after the last passenger out of my car.

I couldn't concentrate to the traffic, i didnt even have the courage to see  my rearview. I drove beyond the limit,  all i need was to reach home as fast as possible. I put myself moreover other people in danger, there could be *God forbid* accident, a soul might gone for what? for things that were a made up in my mind!

See, over thinking everything was not always good. I really gotta stop to mixed my mind up with reality. I am so done get myself caught in between. Enough with the mind game and everything. before i hurt my self and maybe others too.

if we're a best friend, you are too mean
if we're a lover, we're too disconnected
if we're a stranger, we're know each other way too well

it's been 3years i guess since i chose to trapped in this dead end melancholia

you're so bothersome!!! :""((

the never ending journey of tiredness and boredom

in the nicest manner of speaking
i need you
no
i need me
no
i need us
to stop
at least
in my head

A poem by Charles Bukowski

the history of melancholia
includes all of us.
me, I writhe in dirty sheets
while staring at blue walls
and nothing.
I have gotten so used to melancholia
that
I greet it like an old
friend.
I will now do 15 minutes of grieving
for the lost redhead,
I tell the gods.
I do it and feel quite bad
quite sad,
then I rise
CLEANSED
even though nothing
is solved.
that's what I get for kicking
religion in the ass.
I should have kicked the redhead
in the ass
where her brains and her bread and
butter are
at ...
but, no, I've felt sad
about everything:
the lost redhead was just another
smash in a lifelong
loss ...
I listen to drums on the radio now
and grin.
there is something wrong with me
besides
melancholia.

if this is what i can only have
then i better not having it any at all
because the idea of make myself believe that i have it
even not wholly
makes me sick to my bone
and if i have to be a pretender to be grateful
then well, i better not to be

the last four years, were filled with too much acceptances or struggled to accept it, revenge plans, or lots and lots back up plans like trying to forget and forgive and lived with it, which ended up in more and more lies to self more and more denial more and more questions and doubt and really what am i trying to prove here? I've collected way too many evidences. and it is unfortunately tiring, killing me inside, eating me alive, I've tried almost everything to achieve too many goals that are useless and meaningless, because it was all lies, that I've lost myself along the way. I locked myself a little bit too long on things that i thought i would never achieve because I believed I can't, because I already believed that i am limited without even know what the limit is. I lost my interest almost in everything without even got the chance or let myself find out what it is. And please do mind my bad English because my mind were way to cluttered. I feel like I've wasted a freaking 4 and half years to prove myself i can or to prove them that it was wrong and yet til today i really don't know what i have to prove. It turned out to be nothing. which makes my last four years become more and more meaningless. I want to believe that there's nothing late for everything, but it turns out like it is already late. and in this very short break i got myself wonder which step i have to take. It is gonna be devastated to waste another year or day or even second to continue my four year journey. Yet it has been a pretty long journey just to leave it all behind. It is just that how am i supposed to find myself in a journey where I didn't even bought the ticket myself, i am just a stowaway.

some people are lucky enough to know what things can make them happy.
well, unluckily i am not one of them.
There are things that i thought would make me happy once i got them, but then when it handed to me (or well in this case it wasn't handed though, i strive to death for it)i just don't feel anything in particular. just a big relief. not that i am not grateful, it's just not what i thought it would be.

but well the good thing is, i fully aware now that i have to continue living and trying lots and lots and lots of different things, taking chances and risk, til i found out what is suit me well. what makes happy.

let’s for once be an audience of this messy chaotic life of ours.
sit back and relax.
put your i pod on, turn the volume up and listen to your favorite song.
watch the people running around crazily.
chasing the bus.
running late for an interview.
study hard for the exam.
cursing and yelling to the neighbor’s dog.
nod your head up and down.
not to them but to your favorite song.
let all the good chances slip away through your finger.
and just singing along
to your favorite song.
isn’t it great?
and when you don’t feel enough
just push the repeat button
on your favorite song

inspired from here

i want to release everything that my body content. to emptied it out. fully. so that i will have nothing inside me. but not the kind of emptiness that will you leave a hole in your body or a lonely feeling after it. though, all this time I’ve put everything inside of me, and carried them around. yet, i still feel lonely most of the time. but you know, the kind of emptiness that will leave you a lighter body. that when you lay on the ground and made yourself a snow angel you’ll feel like the wind could lift you up off the ground. and when you close your eyes all you see is not a dark hole but a kaleidoscope sky.the emptiness that finally freed you.

oh
nagasaki hirosima di bom lagi
duar duar duar duar
di kepalaku
dan palang merah telat datang lagi

it takes three and a half years
471 notes in note pad
hundred unwritten poems in my head
and so much for #nomention letters in twitter and tumblr and here

for me to realized that no matter how good you're changing
if it turns you into a stranger to yourself
if you do it for other's sake
then it is not a good change

just found out this old poem somewhere in my laptop. and this is kinda yeye actually. but i feel like posting it tough.

you were always almost
knock on my heart

you were always almost
fly me to the highest sky

you were always almost
turn me down
before you pick me up again

but i never fell out for you
never, not even almost

super yeye isnt it? uweee *blush*

Diantara pertanyaan iya-tidak
yang tidak terjawab
Tergantung di ujung-ujung jari yang terlalu berat
atau malah lebih parahnya lagi
saat tanda tanya lain keluar sebagai pembalas
Diantara pertanyaan iya-tidak
yang kamu (pura-pura) hiraukan
diam-diam aku yakin
aku tahu jawabannya (iya)

tell me how to stop

pooƃ slǝǝɟ ɐpuıʞ ʇı puɐ ˙noʎ ɟo ǝsnɐɔǝq ɹǝƃuol ou s,ʇı puɐ ʎɐɹd ı

just for one moment could you please tell me one beautiful lie for a while
not like for forever
just tell me until all tits and tats done
i need something to calm me down
until all those craps are done
after that
you're free to tell all those bitter truths
and i won't mind
i'll embrace it with the biggest smile
but just for now
would you just please tell me those beautiful lies?

so i've decided not to go or even make any plan to go somewhere far before i've done this whole skripsi thinggy.

ah well tapi kan jauh itu relatif iya ga sih? :P



ya Allah cepetan dong selesainya :"(