i knelt in the atlantic ocean. cheap cocaine pulsed through my veins. remorse bubbled in my soul. fear boiled in my heart. minutes before, i left my car running and blasting an alice in chains song on repeat. i left the door open and the lights on. the cell phone in my pocket rang over and over as i slowly trudged through the sand, fully clothed in all black haute couture. i barely felt the cool water as i splashed into the waves. my mind reached for the innocently judging moon, hanging over the black horizon. it studied me in my torment. i thought for sure that i would be dead by the time i reached the water line, the edge of the real world. i hoped that the flesh-made machine of a prison that my soul was bound to would seize, split in two, and allow my soul to continue across the great, black barrier. it didn’t. my cell phone stopped screaming once the waves suffocated it. the sadness inside of me hoped for the same result.
she was a couple of years younger than i. five feet even and pale for a white beach girl, she was covered in the most exquisite patterns of freckles i had ever seen. her best friend worked for me as an assistant at a logistics firm and had introduced us one night at a party. her eyes were an alien color of blue that burned into my mind each time we made eye contact. i remember thinking that my attraction to white girls was as much history as mc hammer or coolio. having attended a historically black university, i decided that shades from deep chocolate to caramel fit me best, not to mention the social implications of interracial dating. all of that disintegrated once she reached around my waist and splashed into me. her hair smelled like some strange type of flower mixed with cigarette smoke and her breath (when she whispered her name into my ear in a small, raspy voice) felt like a cool peppermint. there was no small talk. i grabbed her lightly by the fingers and lead her outside to the balcony, to the ocean. i stood behind her, framing her against the railing, and she leaned her head back into my shoulder. “are they watching?” she said with a giggle as i lifted her short skirt in the back. my fingers traced her waist along a thin string bikini line that dove deep between slender, asscakes. my fingers followed the string down and around into her smooth and wet furnace between her legs. she reached around and unzipped my pants, violently. my fingers slid into her on both sides of her thong as she pulled me outside of my zipper, slowly stroking me. after a minute of exploration, i chuckled in her ear and snatched the thong away. she flinched lightly, but i could tell that the sound of the thong popping had the most impact. it snapped us away from the subtle trance of the waves crashing on the shore below. she lifted herself up on her toes, arching her back, and slid back and down onto my penis. her body slowly winded around against me and i could feel her wetness running down and into my pants. she reached around again and grabbed my base, firmly, and lifted forward off of me. her fist angled up slightly and i felt the tip of my penis nudging against the tight swirl of her ass. grabbing her tightly around her waist and burying my face into her neck, i plunged myself deeply inside. her other hand dug into my arm with clenched nails as she drew a sharp fill of air into her lungs. we slowly grinded against each other until i felt a wave of static-like energy form at my spine and quickly accelerate its way around my body to clash at my front center like an explosion. i came inside of her.
i thought about that moment as i knelt in the black water all alone. that was months ago and should not be so significant. i stared up at the moon with the face of a dead man and tears running down the sides of my cheeks. at that moment, i forgot why i was there.