V Collins

Crisp lines and hard edges, a flower’s petals and each blade of grass, wrinkles that outline the perfect smile… these everyday novelties fill me with joy as I rediscover the world. Life has come into focus.

Glasses and contact lenses have been a part of my life since grade school. As an active, rambunctious tom-boy it was difficult, if not impossible to keep a pair of glasses in working order for very long. Countless pairs have been sat on, knocked off, scratched, bent and misplaced over the years. I learned to make due and play sports without them, judging distances by how blurry goals were and recognizing people by the shadows features made upon their faces. Eventually I tried contact lenses. Although the routine of it all put me off and the lenses irritated my eyes. I’m sure there are still a pack or two in a drawer somewhere.

I had LASIK surgery yesterday after years of letting the idea marinate in my mind. The decision was finalized after meeting someone who had the operation. She had fully recovered with 20/20 vision and was adventuring through Southeast Asia unhindered. I was in awe and completely convinced that this was something I had to do.

The surgery itself was slightly uncomfortable, but painless. After the anesthetic drops were placed in each eye, a lid holder was placed over one eye to keep it from closing while the other eye was covered with a cloth. Then a protective flap was created, a thin layer of cornea removed, exposing the area where the laser would focus. While the whole idea of having a laser beam aimed at your eye seems unnerving, I felt more uncomfortable while the flap was being created than during the actual laser process. It felt like there was a suction cup over my eye and the instrument obscured my entire area of vision; for a moment I was in total darkness. Thankfully that only lasted a moment or two, and then I was instructed to stare at the red light allowing the laser to target my cornea. The correction itself only lasted a few seconds. Then, the flap was replaced, my eye flushed and the procedure was repeated on the other other eye. There was literally no down time from the moment of surgery to clear sight. Despite my eyes watering and burning slightly, I could see the office and nurses with incredible clarity.

I was teary eyed leaving surgery. (I’m sure the whole burning sensation had something to do with it.) But I was so overjoyed! I cried again today, just looking around, being able to see; it’s a gift and a miracle. I’ve always known that this life is full of wonder, and now I can see it clearly. For the past few years I’ve lived and traveled around the world, but I’ve never seen it with my own eyes… today begins a new adventure. I can’t wait to see what happens!

Since surrendering and opening up my being, I find myself adrift amid a tumultuous sea of light and darkness. Emotions pull at my heart like a buoy line against the waves, stirring up memories both wonderful and distressing. It’s difficult to stay afloat, to keep my mind steady and open. I want to sink beneath the waves, drown out the pain, but in doing so I sacrifice the light. I’ve been here before, though I’ve never made it to my ship. I’ve always ended up sinking beneath the waves into the arms of the sea to try and float another day.

The light in me is a true gift, a blessing. I know I would not be here without it. When I’ve cut my lifelines out of fear and pride (one day I hope my friends will forgive me) the light dimmed but never went out. I saw my ship disappear beneath the horizon along with the loved ones I stopped from helping me. I was sure my light would leave me as all things had before (whether by their will or mine), but it persevered and so… so did I. It is this light in me, but more importantly, in everything that fosters infinite joy. I know it is good, but I fear it. I do not understand it. It can be a small smoldering ember or a brilliant and blinding spectacle; I fear of the possibilities of such a wonderful thing. I must let go of this fear to reach my ship and harness my light.

The darkness comes in waves of sorrow and pain from old wounds time covered up but never fully healed. Childhood shadows and my own self-centered blunders ripple out into the sea adding to the fray. Oddly though, I am alone and comfortable here. I know this pain. I know these wounds. I’ve shed these tears. I know I can survive this.

But life was not meant to be survived, it was meant to be lived! I need to overcome my fear and embrace the light; I need to drop my weights and swim.

As easy as it is to write, the task ahead of me is daunting. My sense of self-worth is stunted at best after years of self-bashing and positive reinforcement of such self-wrecking behavior. I set sail from tainted harbors after the damage was dealt only to find myself in a storm of my own making. I cannot undo what has been done, but I am going forward with cautious and deliberate strokes.

I can see the light within me, now I must know it. The waves and storm will subside when I am able to let the darkness go.

computer wallpaper and print available

“… My argument with so much psychoanalysis is the preconception that suffering is a mistake or a sign of weakness, or a sign even of illness when in fact possibly the greatest truths we know have come out of people’s suffering. That the problem is not to undo suffering or to wipe it off the face of the earth, but to make it inform our lives instead of trying to cure ourselves of it constantly and avoid it- avoid anything but that lobotomized sense of what they call happiness. There’s too much of an attempt, it seems to me, to think in terms of controlling man rather than freeing him, of defining him rather than letting him go and it’s part of the whole ideology of this age which is power mad…”

The results are in for the US Half Marathon and now it’s time to reboot for La Transtica’s upcoming run across Costa Rica. I’ll be keeping things casual for the next few days to let my body patch itself up before the next hundred miles.

My left foot is a bit of a concern- I’ve been experiencing some pain at the top of my foot during and after runs. It definitely affected my pace during the half marathon, but my mantra for the day was “Take it Easy”, so I eased up and trudged on.

There are a plethora of causes to foot pain, from simple things like shoes that don’t fit, to something a little more complex like a stress fracture… Hopefully I’ve just been a bit overzealous when tying my shoes and it’s nothing more than that. Fingers crossed.

 
San Francisco US Half Marathon

Finishers: 3541, Female: 1959, Male: 1582

Overall Place: 265, Sex Place: 47, Age Division Place: 22

Time: 1:44:42, Pace: 8:00

I abhor the modern mainstream media. It’s a slave to advertising and mass consumer markets, the underbelly of a capitalist scoiety gone amuck. The media’s top priority should be to objectively inform the public, fostering engaged citizenship. However, it is unmistakably clear that the media is solely focused on its bottom line and appeasing its advertisers. We’re being dooped by glistening smiles and fat conglomerates. It’s a sad situation.

But there is always hope and in the case of media, hope is tangible. America’s Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) publishes quality broadcasts consistently. With the hundreds of channels available on the television, PBS is one of the few that has programs worth watching.

This month, KCET will be airing Huell Howser’s “Stretching California’s Water Supplies“. The program explores the organizations and technologies working to preserve California’s most precious natural resource. From motivated non-profit organizations to resource-conscious farmers, the program’s three segments will investigate the innovations behind California’s water conservation efforts and how they affect our everyday lives. I’m actually looking forward to watching it.

As the world’s supply of potable water is strained, it’s important to be aware of the issue through objective information. Not surprisingly, such information is not readily available in mainstream media. At least there’s PBS. If you’ve got the time, watch the show as it airs tonight (and throughout the month). If you can’t, at least you know there’s a problem- and knowing is half the battle.

I have issues with idle time. If I’m not moving, I’m making and creating. Sitting still is not an option- unless I’m meditating, but that’s not sitting still.

I had thought that I’d have no problem keeping busy on the weekends. I figured I’d spend time with friends catching up on the times and making new memories. Thing is, people around here seem to be pretty habitual. Boxed in. Comfortable. Set. I feel like the Kool-Aid Man – barging into the scene, completely inappropriate. The awkward turtle is in the corner starting a slow applause, ever so awkwardly with his flippers. A pink elephant coughs. My friends are no where to be found. Silence reverberates off the walls as I make my retreat. So far, weekends in the US have been exercises in profound solitude.

Rather than embracing the sad panda moping about my peripheral vision (Go away and snack on some bamboo or sneeze or something!), I’ve switched tactics, changed gears. I found the reset button and hit it. Many, many times. So now my weekends are booked solid through to the day I leave for Costa Rica! This weekend I’m getting my inner warrior on and running the Warrior Dash followed by a 15000 ft skydive! (Yay for social media steals deals!) Then, there’s the US Half Marathon in San Francisco. That should be fun- running across the Golden Gate Bridge and all that jazz. Lastly, I’m taking a bartending course for the final two weekends- I don’t drink, but other people do! I’ll be sure to meet a few interesting people in all this self imposed chaos. Maybe I’ll find a co-adventurer or two!

I’ve created a few new digital pieces, gotten settled and sorted, made a mess, cleaned up, and teetered on the fringes of domestication over the past month. Old place. New territory. It’s a scary place to be in these strange times. The horizon calls- but I don’t pick up the phone. I’m running for it! Will you be running with me?

Well, I’ve officially begun training for La Transtica’s 200KM, 5 stage race across Costa Rica. I’ve got a month before the race so I’ll be running more frequently and further than sanity should assent. Every other day will be a distance day (like today’s 17 mile run) buffered by a shorter 6-12 mile day or bike ride. Shorter days will be fleshed out with circuit workouts at the gym or pool sessions, while daily yoga will balance out the chaos.

I’ve been running with music lately. Bad idea. I’ve come to the conclusion that its use severely impairs my running performance. Individual results may vary, but in my case music is detrimental on a number of levels. First and foremost, I do not run, I dance. This is a problem that is most easily detected when I run dance on treadmills. Balance and focus dissipate. Arms go flying and eventually so do I. Second, I lose touch with my surroundings, the music draws my attention away from little unimportant details like cars, traffic lights, or unsafe trails. Lastly, I lose sense of my condition. The music elevates me above the terrestrial experience of “one foot in front of the other”. I assume I’m breathing because I have to gasp for air as I silently (or not so silently- I can’t hear) sing along with the songs. Pain flares up in my joints, but from what and for how long- I have no clue.  Quite frankly, it’s nothing short of a miracle that I’ve not had a second trip to the ER this past month.

For me, running is moving meditation. It’s a mental exercise which just happens to require quite a bit of physical effort as well. My headphones will be tucked away for the next few weeks as I find my natural rhythm and rack up the miles. I’ll just have to save all the dancing and the mayhem for after the run.