Indecisive is my middle name, awkwardness is my game
the guy ive been talking abt all this long is Hakim Hafidz. meh this has became sorta like my private diary so might as well. no one's gonna find this anyway
three months and im still here baby, still here after all the pain.
three months after all the shit and im still standing baby actually wanting more to get myself standing back up again.
I think the best way to define what I feel right now is raw, eager, and careless. I'll explain:-
Raw from all the pain. Almost vulnerable. I've fallen in the deep deep end of the pit more than once and i've also climbed out more than once. I've not only fallen, i've risen. And hell the light isn't as comforting as the dark. My feelings for that one guy still remains, but I've gotten to the point that no, I'm thinking about myself for once. He is no longer a priority, I am now a person on a standing based mostly of myself. No longer him. By raw, I also mean I am vulnerable, and that's not necessarily a bad thing too. I've been torn, not only by him but by my friends too. I'm not saying it's their fault, but I'm not saying it's my fault too. But that's okay, this builds me to the person I'm going to be. One day I'm going to not repeat all these mistakes and pain simply because I saw the signs. Vulnerability is okay, it makes me raw and it makes me feel and it makes me tap to some part of me that will know otherwise. I don't know how to explain, but this is part of what I feel. Raw
I'm eager. Eager for new things, almost eager for new pain. I admit pain is you know, hurtful, but there is something about pain that sorta accepts you. A thing about darkness that I've learnt. I'm eager for love, eager to feel that again, new friends new boyfriend(s). A way to move forward. New experiences and new doors. I don't wanna be stuck on routines because it's sickening and it'a tragedy. Doing the same thing over and over again. I've learnt something, even if we're trapped in a routine, the way our mind thinks doesn't necessarily mean it's trapped too. And that's what I'm eager for, a free mind, a free experience. Freedom to my soul.
Careless, not reckless. to not give an actual and single fuck because i don't anymore. I've changed my perspective. Right now, I've set myself a new point of view. People come and go. What they feel comes and goes. Why would I worry then, if it's not forever? Screw people, yes i've become that person. Everyone has their own opinions, and how stupid it is we have to respect that. Unless it goes to the extreme, well that's a diffrent story. I choose my own reaction to things now. I feel labels are a waste of time and a waste of energy. Everyone is god fucking same. We're not different and we're not any lesser than anyone. We were born the same and we die the same. I choose to not let people's thoughts faze me because of this. They have no absolute right over me, I do.
Speaking of careless, I am sick and so superbly sick of the norm. So sick of routines. I feel like no one is themselves anymore and they do not even realize it. I wanna be my own damn self, and I want my children to be their own damn selves too. I can wear blassing eyeshadow around my nose if i want to. It's my right to feel and be myself. And to be myself is to be different. TO NOT BE NORMAL. I'm sick of that.
THIS IS A FUCKED UP AND WORTHLESS POST BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEAS RIGHT NOW AND I'M WATCHING NEW GIRL
It's something. Something I cannot explain. I've come so far, and no I do not like him. It's emptier. It's numbness but not. I'm backsliding, because he was the only person who has ever come as close to actually being synonymous to me. Even you, dear best friend, we're not a synonym anymore. I know I'm ever-changing, and I'm not the same person I was, hell maybe a month ago, but it's just so good to seek comfort in something good that happened. Something, a reality better than where I am. I know, if I were to run back to him, he wouldn't actually be as compatible as me as we were, but again, it's just so good to have believe in someone, or something who was as me as I am. And if you were to say I have friends, well it's not like I don't, but, no one, no one actually gets me. At all. Name me one person, or a close friend and I will tell you why we won't click. But the fact is I'm literally in a place with a 1000 other people, and no one, the possibility that not one person can actually feel the same as I do. And it's not even their fault, because they're who they are. It's just that alone-ness, and the fact that I'm gonna be stuck in this deep end, this deep hole for a year, probably more. A hole, trapped inside with no source of light, no possibility of getting out.
It's not even numbness, it's mixed. it's like you're getting to actually feel a bit, but at the same time not. Maybe I've gone to the middle of this road between moving on and not, and I can't see the way forward or backwards. or maybe I'm almost there, and I'm just looking behind at the things that I'll miss. We're not even together, I bet my ass he won't get me as I am now. But it's just so rewarding to realize that someone has come close. It's the nothingness that holds me, pathetic really. I cannot admit that I like him, or have stable feelings for him. Because I don't. And it's not just him, it's everybody. I just want to get out of this hole.
I miss you like crazy.
I need you like crazy.
I want you like crazy.
But you don't love me the same way.
I'm trying to move on, I'm trying so hard, but I miss you, and we're not even talking, and it hurts. I need you right now and I'm trying not to burst but I'm just needing you
No other words that I can utter, all that I've always felt I've either written it or talked about it, to myself
PLEASE, come back to me. PLEASE, we can have it all. We have more chemistry than anything, than the stars and the moon itself. Please come back to me, please call me, I need you. I'll explain everything. Please please please what if you dont really need her like you need me. I'm gonna be there for you I promise. I'm trying so very hard to move on and I have no other option but to give in to you. Please come back to me.
Please, call me
Here I go again. It's a very weird coincidental ritual how I listen to a song when I'm writing, and the song sorta gets me in the mood. I was listening to American by Lana Del Rey. Beautiful song. In fact, a quote;
"be young be dope be proud"
Inspiring, is it not? Well back to my point.
If you have read my last post, I was convinced that I was in love with this guy. Well maybe I still am, and maybe I am. See something happened, well long story short, I needed to move on. So I took necessary measures, I blocked/unfollowed him so I won't actually see him and get obsessed. Well so far so good, the only thing I do is just stalk him, but I don't really think about him as much. But recent events got me thinking back to a quote;
"You fight for who you love. Everything needs sacrifice"And I'm just thinking, do I really like him that much to actually consider this quote? Maybe I am. But to be honest, I'm not sure. Was he worth the fight and wait? He is in fact one of the closest guys I have in my life, but he was also straining and let me on and off his hook. And everyone around me keeps on telling me that I should move on, and he isn't really worth it. But my thoughts keep on clashing. I certainly am not eager to close the book between my friendship between him, but I'm just scared that I cannot possibly move on. One of the small crossroads that will potential will or will not make an impact on my life. I think it wouldn't, who am I kidding.
Shit, why the fuck am I in love with you.
Well okay here's to start off, I am feeling quite messed up, considering the other part of me that craves for romantic feelings and attractions. Because I am quite tantalized by this one guy, and I do not have a straight feeling about him.
See I don't easily have a crush on someone, much more 'love' someone. I'm sorry I felt the need to put those apostrophes because of how the word is so strong and I am perhaps too juvenile to use such a word. I positively never fall for someone even with the most greatest attempts. Call me numb, I too believe that I am. And it is because no one really gets me, the real me, the multiple sides of me, and no one has been interesting enough for me to actually have these so called feelings for.
So believe me when I say this is unexpected. And I have tried to fought these feelings but they won't go away. See I hate feeling and being miserable, who does? But I also hate feeling numb. So right now I am torn whether to feel, or not to feel.
This guy, that man is the closest person to have figured me out. Everytime I'm not on the phone with him I'd miss him so much. Everytime I wake up my thoughts rush back to him. Before I go to sleep my mind rushes back to him. He makes me smile even in the saddest moments. He is by far the greatest friend I have ever had, maybe more.
But I rue my actions. I am sadden by the fact that I have broken his heart multiple times. And I am sad, that maybe what he is thinking is that it's karma, and I deserve what I am going through now. But I miss him. I miss him so much. I need him. I think about how I could be on the phone with him when I am doing something else. I stalk him whenever necessary. Because truth be told I can't stand his beauty. He is my definition of beauty. And when I typed that, a shiver went through me, as if it was the right word to describe him.
But also I am mad at him, but not fury-ated, for I can never stand being mad at him for long, for acting as if I am a choice. I am a person and I am independent and I am more than this so don't hold me back. And I am mad for him for treating me as I am a toy and I could wait any longer. I can't, I never could because every person I end up talking to I'd talk about you and how you treat me and how I need you. It's really sad to be honest.
But in the end, I am so sorry for breaking your heart. I am. But I'm not myself, and I can't move on, and everytime I try I find myself running back to you. I just want to talk to you to console myself with your voice. I am dumb, and I am stupid, but this feeling I can't shake off, I hate it. Because you are my everything and I might as well be in love with you.
And right now I am almost sure that I do love you.
Oh if only you knew,
Sincerely Sara Sofea, a girl who loves you and needs you and wants you ever so desperately.
I'm now listening to New York by Snow Patrol. I love this band. I love them. I don't even have to understand the lyrics fully to understand the emotions running through the song.
Shattered all shattered all shattered
You wanna know what's the problem with me, with all of this? We listen to songs. We listen to songs we love. We cry, we feel the words, we dance, we feel the joy, at times we feel infinte. I listen to songs like this, and I can only sit in sadness and only take a look at what I feel. I wanna live in a song. Is that even possible? I wanna live the pain and sorrow, live the happiness, or sometimes the song itself, the beat, the everything is what you want to live in. I can't describe it, I thought I can. Haha how dumb of me.
What are we in the end? We are just putting on a masquerade that we ourselves don't even realize. Tell me, do you really know who you are? I sure as hell don't. Sometimes I feel like I do understand myself, and then I find a way to prove myself wrong. Haha, that's really stupid.
Change is constant, change is inevitable, change is us.
"We are lost until we learn how to ask," I'm sorry, I just felt the need to put that quote in, even though it's not really relatable.
Everything we put ourselves to be, is it really who we are? Is it really who we want to be? Ask yourself, are you who you really want to be? Is this you?
We speak of dreams and realities and who we want to be but
I don't ever really wanna be at my best, but I feel as if this isn't everything I am. I'm not gonna be vulnerable, this isn't a time for vulneberalities and heroes.
I wanna find myself. I wanna be who I am entirely. I wanna be able to dance and be sure that that's me. That it's all I am. I wanna be able to write and tell myself yes, that is exactly what you feel, that is exactly right. I wanna be able to cry actually meaningful tears. Tears with meaning. I wanna be able to hug someone and actually hug them. I wanna find joy somewhere, I wanna live myself to the fullest, feel to the fullest. It's not an easy thing to understand, I don't quite either.
Finding yourself isn't easy, but the acceptance in the end, that's all that counts.
People ask things like why do people cut. It's so stupid. Don't they know they're hurting? Well, I didn't. I used to be half half on their opinion. But it's exactly right, what all those things on Tumblr say.
You know what, I am proud of myself for one simple fact. I am proud that I am a self-harmer. I am proud that I have successfully cut. The way I self-harm are sometimes not by cutting, I just do other things to hurt myself. But people go all like 'oh you don't cut, oh you don't matter' oh I don't? know that I do, will people care? This is just so dumb.
These are REAL problems, REAL people, REAL feelings, REAL pain. it's true, you will never know how it feels until you've experienced it before, so stop saying how dumb it is. Do you know how it feels like, to feel like crying every second despite everything? Like crying, but you can't, tears never come out, but it's just what you need to?
Self-harm is an escape to some people. A BIG escape. It numbs the pain you're experiencing for physical pain. Yes it's addictive, but it numbs. It hurts. It hurts. I don't know if it's depression or sadness, but you feel like frowning every second. Like you can burst. But really it's amazing how much a smile can hide.
To me, things like saying that it's stupid, and why doesn't really help. And support is a big thing, but can you handle it?
Please, please everyone should choose your words wisely. And what I wrote maybe true, but never succumb. Please let me be lost for a second, please do not try to save me.
If writing in the middle of the night could possibly be an antidote of what I feel, so be it.How can someone do it? Go on through life and not worry about everything. How the only worries are PBS papers, what to order from McDonalds at night, what kind of new phone cover they could possibly want, when to have their next sleepovers. How? How can things like these be one of the only worries someone can have? I don't get all this. Maybe because I am naive. I really am.
What am I feeling? Emptiness. Emptiness in a sense that I don't have anything to feel. I don't need to feel, but at the same time I do. I want to feel. I want to just feel. "Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all" - Lady Antebellum. Do I? Do I wanna hurt rather than feel nothing. I'm not so sure myself. Hurt, hurt is something that maybe someone can only feel not long, only once or twice, or something that someone can feel for a long time, or eternity at times, or a feeling a person could fictionally generate in order to comprehend everything. I think I have the latter. Maybe. I'm just so unsure, so indecisive. Life is all about choices, aren't they? Maybe that's why. What if I pick a wrong choice. Believe it or not, every single choice you have ever made leads up to who you are now. Who you are living as, who you are pretending to be, who you aspire to be.