I have such a polarizing view on love.

Scenario 1:

“Happily Ever After”

I will find that one person who is my best friend, has my back and I can have my own family with.

I’ve always been caught in between families, going back and forth and trying to fit myself into each family values, norms and expectations. But I’ve always dreamed of finding that one man who I can create my own family, life and expectations with for the rest of my life. I see us having kids and creating that happy home. In this scenario I finally find that secure and steady place that I’ve yearned for since I was a little dreamer playing house.

Scenario 2:

“On Trend”

I’m involved in multiple relationships, hopefully have kids, and continue the “divorce” trend I’ve grown up with.

Statistics state that 60% of children who have been through more than one divorce will experience a divorce themselves. Well folks, I’ve been through more than one, and the way my relationships are panning out, it doesn’t look so good.

I do want to “break the cycle” so to speak, but what if I’m genetically molded in a way that has shaped my psyche and made me prone to failure relationships?

At 27 I haven’t been to good at choosing the “right” partner so far. I’m still looking and testing out what I want and don’t, but seem to find myself in very similar situations at the end of relationships. Dating unavailable, unattainable guys that create heart ache and squash any and all hopes I have based on their own past issues and future priorities.

So I feel like I’ve prepared myself for this Scenario, maybe too much. But I’ve been through the ringer and I do expect the worst in all relationships, no matter who they’re with and what they’re based on. I am always on the defense and am just waiting for someone to let me down and break my heart. No, not the best way to live, but it makes me work. I’m more positive and outgoing because of it. I am constantly working to reach out and be a good friend and a good example and someone that everyone wants to be around.

Scenario 3:

“My Own Thing”

I live my life on my own schedule, with many great relationships, never married, but have kids when I want.

This may seem like an ideal Scenario to some, and sometimes it seems ideal to me, but this is the one that would most likely mean I would end up alone and never experience a “true love” or marriage.

I do think that raising a child is a more than one person effort, but I’ve also prepared myself for the duties of being a single parent one day because a child(ren) is/are in my future.

Because of my past I wonder if I can every fully allow myself to be open to being in a relationship that has the ability to sustain long-term. I have a history of getting involved with relationships that have no chance, or ruining healthy relationships and I wonder if it’s part of this embedded scenario that hangs over my heart.

I don’t know what the future holds. Right now I’m doing my best to have Faith in God and his plan, but being one who loves to be in “charge”, it can get difficult and I admit I struggle.

I’ve started a very exciting part of my life here in Dallas and have lots of new thoughts and feelings about my future. But these 3 scenarios have never left me and I know will always be in my heart and head.

I have not had it easy. God has challenged me with my family and continues daily to test my will and love. But I do know that I love being a sister, daughter and friend and hopefully one day a wife and mother.

My prayer for myself is to find that stability in family I’ve always longed for. I will find within my self and through the journey that God sends me on.

And here we stand.

Two men and me, standing in the vacancy of my newly decorated hallway, staring at each other waiting for the next breathe to break the silence.

I hate decisions. I don’t even like to decide where to eat dinner, they both know that. Why would they feel the need now to make me decide? It’s all out in the open now. Can’t it wait? There is so much to do today.

I’ve never been in this situation, always dreamed what it would be like, two men wanting me. Both offering things I need, each in their own way. Is there a way I can combine their strengths? If I’m not satisfied with one individually should I just wait for another to satisfy my needs? Do I really want to be alone until that happens? Way too many questions right now taking away from my focus.

I let out a slow, heavy breathe. Four eyes still on me, mine were watery and trying to focus on what a future could be like with each. I reach right for the ends of my hair, something I often do to display confusion or frustration. Right now, I’m feeling both. Slowly I pull on my hair. I wonder to myself where I picked up this habit? Was it born with me, did I see it in a movie and decide to copy the action, or was it a distraction that I created myself in the midst of troubling situations that shaped my life.

I take a step towards my hallway table. A beautiful antique cabinet once owned by my Great-Grandmother, and something I bring with me every move. The creaking sound beneath my feet is amplified by the awkward and waiting silence. I grab my purse and throw it over my shoulder while reaching for my keys. My eyes dart back and forth between both men, still staring in silence. With feet that felt weighed down by cement hardened in my black boots I move to the front door. With a swift turn of the knob it opens and I calmly rush through it to the elevator. No looking back here, things can work themselves out later.

Like I said, I have a lot to do today.

The day I started Fresh ID was the day I saw my transvestite neighbor slip and fall on the icy sidewalk, on a cold January day. That morning I woke up early, fresh, focused and ready to start my new challenge, but instead all I could picture in my mind all day was my transvestite neighbor, with her long flowing pink hair and purple-puffy jacket sailing through the frigid air landing with a “thud” on the snow packed sidewalk. But being the professional I am, I swiftly had to re-gain my focus to keep up with the run-through I was receiving and taking it all in.

I quickly learned at Fresh ID that nothing is “normal”. There wasn’t and “set in stone” processes to follow. Instead its place that encouraged creating your own process that worked for you personally and would be successful at getting the job done right. That was one of the first hard challenges for me. For years of being in school, having people tell you what to study, when to turn something in and then grade you on how well or terrible you did it, being able to explore and create my own professional system was a struggle. I constantly looked to Lisa and Kristi to say “That’s Great” or “You’re wrong”, because I was seeking that feedback, but instead I was given the challenge to invent something that worked for me and the company. Now don’t get me wrong, I did get feedback (A LOT OF FEEDBACK), but it was also teaching me to reach out and learn through trial and error, which has now contributed to my growth because I got to learn by experience.

My favorite lesson came, when one day, through my tears of frustration and uncertainty, Lisa looked at me and said “Kid, you need to learn how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable”. This slap in the face was a reality check and made me stop and change how I perceive myself and the real-world. At work, you need challenge and change, but at the end of the day you have to love it or you wouldn’t do it the way it deserves to be done. I know for me, when I’m comfortable I stop trying because I like where I’m at. In order to grow, pushing outside your comfort level is a must. I’ve learned at Fresh ID is that the only way I was going to be successful was to push to the next test, even if it was uncomfortable. In order to meet personal expectations of greatness, it’s all about being comfortable with putting yourself out there. Once you reach that comfortable successful peak, it’s time to push harder. Only then can you evolve.

There have been some amazing times here at Fresh ID these past 10 months. I have laughed until I cried, or peed my pants, cried and huddled in a corner, and created some really cool things that I’m so proud to be part of. The bond that grew between us all has given me the strength and confidence to move on.There have been many moments of education, but here are a few that I will take with me (and are appropriate to share to the world).

10 things in 10 months

1. When you are arguing or having an in-depth conversation with someone, take time to stop what you are saying and truly listen to their words. You might be arguing the same point, just in a different way.

2. Things don’t always go right, even when the best laid plan is in place. Airplanes could run late, minds can be changed and ideas may be altered. But at the end of the day, if you have cheese, a sweet treat and enjoyable colleagues around you at work, your job is successful and fulfilling.

3. Take time to be around someone you admire and listen to how they do business. But don’t let it make you quiet, your ideas are still valuable and just because you may feel they are always “right”, you may put a new spin on something that could change the course to bigger and better things.

4. Surround yourself with co-workers who have different values, ideas and ways to do things. It will be frustrating at times, but in the long run the “ying and yang” effect is truly remarkable and works in a small business.

5. Be proud of the work you do. Shake hands with confidence and share with anyone and everyone what your job is, you never know where a business deal or future negotiation will be hiding and you don’t want to miss out.

6. A beer and a good idea can go a long way. The best thoughts don’t always happen in the office, take time to step out and let your mind go (and yes, wine can help you there too, we don’t discriminate at Fresh ID!)

7. Express yourself. No matter what you are feeling, excitement, anger or confusion.

8. Having an office that’s an “open door” to friends and other colleagues makes the day better. Filling up the office with these people adds excitement, new ideas, and laughter. It truly helps build a dynamic work place that all enjoy.

9. Take time for yourself. At Fresh ID our minds go 24/7 that’s what makes us unique and special. But it’s okay to stop and take time out before you burn out. You deserve that time.

10. Be a family. Dysfunctional, determined and deeply committed to each other and the work, success will come, but at the end of the day you have each other.

Check out my TUMBLR "Girl Named Ryan" for my latest tips on packing for a weekend trip!

My dear Manny,

I can’t remember exactly what I felt like at age 6 when they told me I was going to be a big sister. I can only imagine it was

mixed with excitement and fear, but most of all love to have another one to call my own.

Growing up with you as my sister I remember feeling so worried. You were so shy sometimes, and I found it so easy to be in the spotlight, I’m sure there were many times I hogged it all. I wanted nothing more than for you to find your own way, and when we were younger I would often times push you into what I thought was the right way, making you dance in the shows I created, making you play dress up when I wanted to, or just in general making you do what I wanted… But I promise it was all out of love, it was my way of trying to show you the way.

We had some great memories together growing up as well. Shopping trips with mom, our

Little did I know that you did not need your big sister to be worried or show you the way. You found your own way and are coming into your own as an amazingly smart, brave and beautiful woman. Calling you a sister is an honor and now the older is looking up to the younger as you cast off into this new chapter in your life and studying abroad.

You are taking a risk and challenging yourself on this journey. I know sometimes it is hard for you to step out on your own, but I’m so proud because you take opportunities and embrace them with passion and acceptance of what is given to you and turn it into a learning experience.

Mandy, you are exactly where you need to be in your life. And you are going exactly on the right path.

Embrace this adventure. Take in the sounds, sights, the people. Breath in every moment and hold it in. Don’t waste a minute, go explore, go talk to people and go do what your heart tells you to. You are going to be fine, no great. And when you come back you are going to be full of rich experience and tales of your journey that will shape you for the rest of your life.

I love you. I am proud of you. I am your sister, so come home and share what you learn. I will be waiting.

Forever and Always my love,

Ry

I find it interesting and exhilarating how life can create “full circle” moments, and yet, I find it disturbing that if you don’t take time to notice hints that your life is giving, you may be missing out on something special.

The other day I was walking outside of my apartment with my dog, as I often do and have been doing for the past year and a half I lived there. Enjoying the sounds of my city, the fresh air and sunshine I felt content wrapped up in familiarity. Looking across the street at a small restaurant, one which I’ve been too since I’ve moved in the apartment, one which I wave at the owners daily and enjoy the smells and sounds of on a daily basis, and a memory flooded my mind and senses. I realized, I had been to that restaurant before, not when it was “Aladdin’s Café” as it is called now, but about 13 years ago when it was a hamburger joint!

See, when I was 13 I dated a boy from church. His family and my family were close, and he was a great “first boyfriend” and someone that to this day I consider a friend. His family took me out to eat one beautiful summer day, after church, to a hamburger restaurant. I remember them telling me about how this place had big, red garage doors, a "mechanic" decor with good burgers... I was excited to go see this place! From what is fished from my memory, it had good food, big red garage doors, an eclectic decor and at this place I created a moment at age 13. I know that sometime during that meal I told myself “One day I will live down here”. Now I don’t remember if I was looking at the exact building that I live in today, although I’d like to think I was, but I do remember loving the neighborhood, feeling comfortable there, and telling myself that to be grown up and successful meant living here.

I often think about what my younger self would say about my older, current self. And sometimes I can hear exactly what I would tell myself now, because in a funny way my regrets are laced with thoughts of disappointment and knowing that I am a better person, which I think comes from my “younger self” state of mind and thoughts. For example, if I told my 9 year old self, who was the BIGGEST KU fan around that she will end up going to K-State, I’m pretty sure she would throw a fit and try to disown me. If I had told my 14 year old self that I would NOT be a singer or actress, she would ignore me, go back into her room, turn up the music and keep practicing her award acceptance speech in her room. As a kid there are so many dreams, wishes and thoughts that I had, imagining what my life would be like. But the truth is that so many times I’m afraid I’ve disappointed those kid-like dreams, never fulfilled those wishes and didn’t follow through with those expectations or thoughts.

But that’s okay, or at least I'm coming to terms with it being okay.... See, my life has taken some amazing twists and turns, and along the way I’ve become who I am, and so far I like it. Now, I’ve had to make some changes, lived with regrets about the way things have happened, but at the end of the day I vow to learn from mistakes, keep my head up, and keep going. So, even with all those twists and turns, life has seemed to bring me back full circle. Because the 26 year old version of me needed that reminder from that the 13 year old version of me and what she wanted for herself, which was to live across the street from that hamburger place and in the neighborhood she felt was perfect for her. And 13 year old Ryan was right. I love my neighborhood, I love where I live and the eclectic people who walk around and enjoy the streets. And granted the place is not a hamburger joint, but at the end of the day life has truly brought me full circle.

It took me a year and a half to realize this, but not a moment too soon or late. Because, life has a funny way of revealing what you need, when you need it, and this reminder from myself that I’ve come so far to be where I wanted to go and who I’ve wanted to become came exactly when I needed it most. Ain’t life a funny thing…..

Day 8-18 has been fun, and gone fast.

I have decided that for 10 days I would write friends and family messages, letters or notes about how I’m thankful for them and how they have affected my life in a positive way. It’s simple and easy, but it’s giving back.

So often we forget the people in our lives, who have always been there to carry you through, hold your hand and build you up when you need it. Taking time to thank them is an easy “give” and one I really recommend!

I’ve had such a great time thinking about all the amazing people I have in my life and connecting with some people I’ve lost touch with as well. When I first started this, I was planning on only doing one person a day, but it became so much fun and was so hard to narrow down just a few, I ended up doing more than one person a day!!! Telling someone “thank you” or that you’re thinking of them or grateful for all they’ve done in your life is such an easy way to give back to those around you, and it’s definitely been one of my favorite activities these past 18 days!

So, I dare you to go out and give back to one person who’s made an impact in your life by sending them a quick message, email or letter. They’ll be glad to receive it and you’ll be glad you let them know how much they mean to you!

When I started this “27 days of Give” I was really worried that I wasn’t going to have 27 grand giving gestures each day. But the more I thought about what it really means to “give” the more I realized that it’s simple and doesn’t have to be this big gesture, but a gesture that means you take time and look outside yourself and put the focus on someone else, big or small. So many times we get wrapped up in our day to day lives and the focus becomes on the “me”. There have been many days when, at the end of the day, I’m sitting on my couch and realize that the only person I took care of today was myself and not once did I take time to check in on anyone else. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are days when the only person I can focus on is me, and that can become a really easy everyday habit, but as a human, it’s so important to make it a habit to take time, look around, notice others and small or big, give.

So what have I been up to these past few days? What have been my giving gestures? Well, I gave a Ryleigh Band to my favorite Starbucks Barista and biggest Ryleigh Band cheerleader Sheri Corwin. Not only does she make my mornings at Starbucks, but she’s always been so supportive of my starting Ryleigh Bands and is my number one customer and promoter. She motivated me to be creative and follow through with Ryleigh Bands, and for that I am forever grateful! I gave money to Japan, because seeing the stories and the pictures of the devastation every morning on the internet gave me chills. I can only imagine what they are going through, and my prayers are with them all. I actually gave through LivingSocial because they had a great deal where I donated the $10 and they matched my donation! Sounds like a great deal to me!! On Saturday, I got to spend time with my youngest sister Chandler. We went shopping in the rain, laughing and telling stories. She’s 16 and I love hearing all about her life because it reminds me so much of me when I was her age and it’s so crazy how the small high school problems that were problems when I was 16 are still there for her. Chandler is funny, smart and a beautiful young lady and I’m so proud to be her big sister, shopping with her made my weekend. On Sunday I did something small, but meaningful, “Smile at a Stranger Day”. It’s fun, try it! Just smile at every stranger you make eye contact with and I promise they will smile back at you! Not only does it feel good to smile, but when they smile back at you it’s a great feeling as well. On Monday I listened. I listened to a friend who needed to talk some things out loud and feel validated for her feelings. We all know how important being validated and having someone to talk to about our problems is, and I think it’s an important part of being a friend, listening….often times more important that talking. As a friend, I do want to listen more and help anyone through whatever it may be, so I made the conscious effort to listen and it felt great!

Small or big, these giving gestures have made me so much more aware of others and reminding me about the importance of taking time to look outside myself and look around. I’m not doing this for recognition, but rather to prove how simple it is to do something (big or small) everyday. I know it feels good for the person who is receiving, but honestly I’ve been feeling better about myself as well….

Yesterday, I was driving along I-35N, to my parents (as I often do on Sunday’s to do my laundry), singing along to Glee (duh) when I looked into my rear view mirror and noticed a Green Isuzu (SUV) swerving towards me at a ridiculously high speed. Caught in the middle lane, between two cars, I quickly sped up, as the Green Isuzu was riding my tail, and hurried into the other lane to let this speed demon pass. My heart was pounding and I quickly thought of how dangerous this person was and how unsafe he was driving! “Maybe he’s drunk”, I said to Rocco patiently waiting in the front seat, “Or maybe he has to pee”. Not one minute later, I saw debris flying up on the highway, the Green Isuzu flew into the left concrete median while a 4-door small white car that was damaged from behind sulked its way to the right side of the highway. I gasped and realized at that moment that the driver of the Green Isuzu, who moments earlier sped by me, had in fact hit another car. I drove past the accident and noticed an older man and a passenger in the white car, and knew that at that moment I had to do something. I quickly called Timmy to tell him what happened and he agreed that I needed to go back and give a statement. So I got off at the next exit, put myself on the highway and then back to the scene of the accident. Shaking, I drove up behind the police cars, ambulance and fire truck. Of course when these things happen, lots of scenarios race through your mind, including, “this could have been me”, but at that moment I thanked God it wasn’t me and prayed for those involved. After talking to an officer and filling out a statement, trying to recount the details of the event that just unfolded, it came to me how easy it is to give to others when you take time out of your own schedule and stop. See, I don’t know if my statement is going to do any good, but it may. And although I had somewhere to be, laundry to do, dinner to eat, I knew that I had to stop and take time to give.
So, tomorrow I begin my “27 days of giving 27 ways”, and I’ve been worried this entire time of planning that there isn’t enough ways to really give to others for 27 straight days. But, life wins again, as I’ve seen before, it gives you small or big events, and the way you chose to notice and react to them determines your path. I chose to stop and do what I can, I gave what I could to those people, even if it’s just a statement, and hopefully that is enough. The next 27 days are going to be an exciting adventure and I’m ready to see how it all comes out. But for today, I encourage you all to take a minute and stop what you are doing and look around. Is there someone who could use a helping hand? It doesn’t have to be a big gesture; the smallest thing can make the biggest difference.

They say to tie a knot and hang on.
And so through my tears and frustration I have decided that although i'm feeling crowded and not encouraged to be better and try harder, I'm going to make the most of what I have and what I'm doing until I find something better.
Something that will allow me the chance to grow and enhance the skills I have while developing new talents. I am someone who loves to learn, loves a challenge and needs to be constantly in competition with myself to make whatever i'm doing better than before and prove that i'm worth my work and effort. I'm ready for something new that will help me spread my wings and take me to a new place creatively, professionally and personally.
So i'm tying a knot at the end of my rope. I'm holding on to it so hard my knuckles are turning white. But i know, in good faith that the struggles I face today are preparing me for tomorrow. I will be better and I will find what I'm looking for.

I have an inner-voice. As do most people. But I love my inner-voice and pay attention to it as a close and trusted friend. I listen, converse, laugh, cry, want and need my inner-voice to help guide me and direct the decisions I make, the path I take.
Lately I have experienced a surge of want and need to move on with my life, professionally. There is now a power that has revealed to me that I’m worth my skills and hard work, my passions and my goals. I am good at what I do. I am passionate, educated, intrigued and motivated to make a difference and do the best I can do every day. But there has come a time, in my young “career” (Ok, so I’ve been in the “real world for 4 years, at the same job mind you), where I feel I have cultivated enough experiences, thrived on passions, learned from stressful situations and exceeded even my own expectations at what I thought I was capable of, and am ready to move on to a new challenge, a new source of energy: a new career.

Don’t get me wrong; what I do is a challenge every day. I wear so many different hats, have so many different “balls” in the air, I sometimes wonder, at the end of the day how I’m possibly staying afloat with all that’s conspiring. But I do love to multi-task, and almost feel “bored” and “not needed” when I don’t have a million and one things needed to get done. It’s what pushes me towards deadlines, challenges me to do my best work and overwhelms me with satisfaction when I get it all done, just right!
My mother and step-father raised their kids to have common sense with funds and smart with what money they have, but at 26, and with the skills I know I posses and believe are profitable, I know it’s time to move on and up. At 26, I’m ready to save for my future, whether that includes children, travel, fixing my car, buying house or adopting another dog! This “grown up” in me has this desire to save, think about and plan my future….WHAT!?! Did I just grow up and become an adult…. I think I did!!!

So my inner-voice has challenged me to find a new career. It knows what I want, what’s right for me now and for the future and what I need to do to begin fulfilling my dreams. Even if it’s the busiest time of my work “year”, my inner-voice is louder than ever. It’s strong and passionate vibe is pulsing through me and motivating me to make a change and find something that will make use of my talents and skills. So I will listen to that voice. I will confide in it, laugh with it, question it and trust in it. I will take comfort in knowing that whatever it (or who) it is, it will direct me to new possibilities, challenges and happiness…. And hopefully a new career!!!