The Spains

this is super cool. i love the idea of aged spirits. i love the idea of old wine. i now also love the idea of old beer.

words escape me these days.
i think. i type. i re-read. i delete.
hmm. . . what am i trying to say here?

not sure yet.
things are changing.
which direction? not sure about that either.

another full weekend which will quickly bleed into next week.
i guess there really is no way to stop it.

today is september first. not sure how that happened.

i am nine days into no alcohol and run every day commitment. actually the no alcohol is easier to do than the run every day. so omitting something is easier than adding it? i only caved once and it was because my day was just down right awful. i've never had a better glass of brandy. running is becoming more consistent. i find myself striving for everyday and actually hitting every other day. better than nothing i say! planning on doing a long run, six miles, before the end of the week. *shakes head**whispers to self* i must be crazy.

today is our first day for grapes. *big smile* i am really hoping *crossing my fingers* that harvest will keep me so busy that the next 21 days (a mere three weeks) will fly by. it really does feel like fall is upon us. the weather is definitely starting to get cooler at night. three weeks! what's three weeks? nothin'.

i spent most of the day outside trying to soak up as much vitamin d as possible. God knows i need it. and while i feel like my tomatoes didn't get as much attention as they deserved this summer i was able to pull a few off.

time for a small break. i held out as long as i could trying to do to other things around the house but i got the third disc for season one of Sons of Anarchy.

i really want a beer.

not sure how but my ipod shufle with all my fantastically precise running music got erased. ugh. really? i was in need of a super run and i come home to find no music. i can run without music but why would i? after about three miles things start to get a little boring so music helps pass the last few miles.

this afternoon after a rather full morning of laundry and breakfast i sit here reloading my shuffle with new and improved music. it was something i was meaning to do anyway, even before the mysterious erasing. the only problem is i am VERY picky abut what i want to listen to while running.

i found out a few years ago that i do best keeping my pace when i have music that is at least 160BPM. the ironic, thing about this tempo is that it really isn't humanly possible to play at such a level which means i end up opting for my synthesized beats. for example, i may or may not have some Lady GaGa songs. (please do not judge me to harshly a girl has to do what a girl has to do for some good running time around here.)

and ideally they are songs that i can somewhat mouth the words to when i am running since it helps with my breathing. yes, i am sure i look like a freak running down by the beach but i don't really care. still working on adding at least another five or six songs. maybe in a few days after i have had a chance to test them out i will post the songs i ended up choosing.

for now i am hoping to be one happy runner.

first week back to school is over. the routine is still slow but will get better.

it is the day of the week that everyone looks forward to. but remember you still need to get through the day first before you can have your weekend. ;)

this is the first weekend this month (even though it is the last) that i have no plans. i guess i should just go back to basics. late breakfast saturday morning. laundry. movies. reading. running. maybe throw in dinner with friends. now that i think about it, it sounds kind of nice. i could really use a mellow weekend.

gotta make it thru the day first!

OMFG! Finally Netflix has created an app for the iPhone! does this mean what i think it means? can i really watch movies on my phone!?!?!? why yes, yes i effing can!!! ha ha ha ha
anyone jealous? anyone? all i have to say is it is a long time coming and finally some good news for this girl. *small smile*

day three of no alcohol has left me a bit grumpy. i am hoping a long run tonight in addition to the next disc of Sons of Anarchy will turn this day into something a little bit more balanced.

blogs are interesting things. i am sure i am not the only one to make a comment like this nor will i be the last.

on one hand i am writing publicly about my life, what i am doing, where i am going, my dreams, aspirations and personal thoughts and feelings.
on the other hand it is all such a small fraction of these things.

for example, i could talk about my morning and how depressing it is to pay bills first thing but who else is gonna do it? or i could talk about how little sleep i've been getting because i can't turn off my mind. or how i realize the reason i haven't been running is because i have no mental energy to accomplish such a task or. . . (here is where i rambled on for about a paragraph and then decided to censor myself because the thoughts and ideals were to personal to share over a blog. see what i mean?).

does it mean i will quit blogging? umm . . .no way. who else is gonna go through the next thirty days of no alcohol and lots of exercise with me? this is when i can unabashedly say. . .it's gonna be tough.

it's been one day at a time around here for me.

i am trying to stretch myself to think about a larger space of time. so, in the next thirty days i plan to do two things. i am going to run every day and completely stop drinking.

yesterday i finally went and got a new pair of running shoes because you see i'm supposed to be running a half marathon the first weekend of november. guess i should start training for it. i am gonna put a lot of miles on these shoes in the next couple of months.

while the second seems impossible given the industry i am in i opt for the clause of only work related drinking with food is acceptable. this tends to be such a rare occasion but does occasionally pop up from time to time and at such events i end up drinking so little anyway.

today the sun is shining and it's supposed to be warm, finally. since i spent so much time in the house yesterday i think today i will spend most of it outside in the sun.

the house is mine today to do whatever i wish. the plan: downsize.

i have been thinking about it for weeks but today i have time to move around in my own space and purge.

ultimate goal for the day is to get rid of anything i don't really need or will not be using in the next six months. i need some change and this seems like an easy way to make that happen and fast, after all you never know when you are gonna need to flee the country.

i may leave a little time for laying out on the patio, after all the sun is out! gonna be nice and warm the next few days.

these are the hobbies i'm working on adding.

hiking
writing
leaning a new language
(russian said she's going to teach me russian. *giggle* & i'm also considering japanese)
training for a 1/2 marathon
taking a dance class

hoping that will keep me plenty active.

this is my second time watching this film.

the first time i watched it i felt overwhelmed by its perfect ability to mirror real life, as difficult as that can be sometimes in watching a film. it caused me to reflect and consider the amount of courage sometimes it takes to live in this world where a momentary decision becomes a lifestyle.

this time when i watched it i was overwhelmed by its beauty and demonstration of forgiveness and love. "the measure of a great life is not how well loved you are but how well you love others". sound pretty cliche as i think about it.

but what do we have if we can't at least start there?

one hundred sixty eight. a number that was brought my attention this week. the number of hours in a week.

it got me thinking. what am i doing with my 168 hours a week? well after doing the "normal/basic" things (working, eating, sleeping, walking bella, etc.) it still leaves me with about 40 hours of unused or free time. huh? 40 hours. that's almost 6 hours a day of extra time. by now i am laughing at myself in disgust. seriously, what are you doing with all of this time? who knows. could be watching movies, checking FB, reading, hanging with friends.

yet, somehow, my mind is still restless. in those extra hours i find myself searching for something else productive to do, to distract or preoccupy my mind. i think it's because i haven't been working on my dreams. i haven't been working on making those dreams a reality. i get distracted by the easy, "fun" stuff in life and forget there are other things that i would love to accomplish. now i am really laughing at myself.

lesson for the week: if you don't like it change it.

ps. (on a completely unrelated note) will the douche bags from out of town who park in front of my house please learn how to park, for example a little closer together might be nice. so that the rest of us (aka me) don't have to park all the way down the street from our house. thanks.

guitar hero (GH). ever play it? it is easy to become addicted.
i ran across this song on GH recently.
when i first heard it a few years ago it didn't strike me.
now when i listen to it. . .it reminds me of so much.
not to mention it is totally fun to play on GH.

When You Were Young

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now ... here he comes!

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

Can we climb this mountain
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go

We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane that started turning
When you were young
When you were young

And sometimes you close your eyes
and see the place where you used to live
When you were young

They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young
(He talks like a gentlemen, like you imagined when)
When you were young

I said he doesn't look a thing like Jesus
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But more than you'll ever know

the days continue to bleed together.

some days i follow my dreams.

some days i get distracted by too many things around me to remember what those dreams are.

today. i am distracted.
but i need it. i need to think about something else.

so tonight i am helping out the Silicon Valley Roller Girls and get a chance to watch them beat the out of town team.

maybe i will have time to dream tomorrow.

so far it has been one hell of a week.
can't say it has been one of the best.
there have been worse, but not much.

decisions.
they can be tricky little bastards.
there have been many made that wouldn't be made again.
then there are the decisions you would make exactly the same time and again.

this week i made the decision to delete my twitter and 12seconds account, for various reasons. however, still a very hard decision to make. honestly, not sure if it was in fact the right decision but the one i made.

on the flip side, after entering a contest with @12seconds i was rewarded with a $20 gift card to amazon. upon seeing the fruits of my "hard" work i jumped at the chance to buy more books. in 10 minutes i had three new James Rollins books ordered which are on their way to me! awesome decision. (even though i just bought one and can't stop carrying it around with me. gonna be awhile before i stop taking it everywhere i go.)

my phone dying this week, unexpectedly, prompted me to get an iphone. awesome decision number two.

the remarkable thing is the two awesome decisions, while easy, will not have the same impact or meaning for me. turns out the hard decision, the quick but painstakingly poignant decision to delete my accounts will leave a mark for quite some time.

came across this song on the way to work this morning.
it just fit.

Love the Way you Lie

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

[Verse 1 - Eminem]
I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight all I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight

High off of love, drunk from my hate
It's like I'm huffin' paint and I love her
The more I suffer, I suffocate
Right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates
Me, she fuckin' hates me and I love it, Wait!
Where you going? I'm leaving you.
No you ain't. Come back. We're running right back

Here we go again, it's so insane
'Cause when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman with the wind in his back
She's Lois Lane, but when it's bad, it's awful
I feel so ashamed, I snapped, "Who's that dude?"
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

[Verse 2 - Eminem]
You ever love somebody so much,
you could barely breathe when you with 'em?
You meet, and neither one of you even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah, them chills, used to get 'em
Now you gettin' fuckin' sick of lookin' at 'em
You swore you'd never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit 'em
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em, so lost in the moments when you're with 'em

It's the fate that took over, it controls you both
So they say, you're best to go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know you 'cause today,
That was yesterday, yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playing over
But you promised her, next time you'd show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it "window pane"

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

[Verse 3 - Eminem]
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded

Baby, please come back, it wasn't you, Baby, it was me.
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time? There won't be no next time
I apologize, even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back. I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fuckin' leave again,
I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
I'm just gonna

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Jon Reid posted this on his blog as well. Please free to post comments either place! We would love to hear your thoughts.

It has been three years since I have been in a Sunday morning church service. I don't even go on holidays anymore. I think my family is more concerned than they let on. I don't blame them. I am concerned as well. This has been the longest stretch of my life where I haven't been involved in a spiritual community. I miss the community. (But that is a topic for another time.)

This last week, through a Facebook posting by Roy and through some major encouragement on my spouse's part, I watched a new documentary: Lord, Save Us From Your Followers.

Have I got you curious? ;p

You can check out the rest of the post on Jon's blog. It would also be great to know what you think, so please feel free to leave a comment.

we've all heard that wonderful saying be careful what you ask for you might just get it.
well, this is almost like that. it was about a week ago when i had an opportunity to watch a film that i was, to say the least, very skeptical about its content.

about this time i saw that a friend of mine, who is a very diligent blogger, also watched the film and i mentioned (through tweet) that i was looking forward to his blog post on the film. well, he quickly turned it on me and asked if i would like to write the blog. what? me write for your blog? well. . .okay.

we have been collaborating a bit over the last week and it looks like he is going to be posting my thoughts on his blog some time this weekend. i will be posting it here as well.

honestly, i am not sure how i feel about it. part of me feels like it is a futile attempt at anything real. the other part of me feels a bit of excitement to be engaged in conversation and honored with the request to guest write.

It (Rob Bell's sermon) reiterated the fact for me that this space we live in is heaven and hell. Dare I say this far off, mystical location that people think exists doesn’t it. This is it people. This is where the decision you make determine what kind of world it will be for you. How do I change the decisions I am making? How do I make decisions that will not only help me to move closer to God but to other people as well?

Blessed are the merciful for they will receive mercy. Just think about what life would be like in another person’s skin. Can you imagine it? I can’t. Most of the time I don’t. But once your realize this life is not about you but that you are a part of the story then things change. I want my story to change.

God’s timing is perfect and always will be.

The poor in spirit is not something to be desired, at least that is what stuck out in my mind. He (Rob Bell) said it in a way of not making it a bad connotation but to point out that it generally isn’t something most people strive or definitely shouldn’t.

It helps me to view myself in relation to others so differently. The poor in spirit are so down on their “luck” and in this life that there has to be some “reward” for struggling.

Okay, so I can get that and wrap my mind around that, but the hard time I have is what people who are poor in spirit “look like”. Maybe it isn’t important to know. Maybe we should look at each person we know as being poor in spirit. Don’t we all have our own trials and tribulations that we can’t shake, our own cross to bear? Isn’t that why there is an offering of the Kingdom of Heaven? The new thought of viewing each person with his or her own sense of poor in spirit baffles me. Really it just floors me. I have understood we each are unique our struggles but not to this depth.

It proves to me once again the lack of depth I view people. How many people have I encountered that this thought never even occurred to me?