RisaMarie

“Time is the best indicator of anything in any relationship. If the feelings are genuine, they will grow without effort. Love is selfless, not selfish.  Love will always adapt and adjust to the needs and desires of other people ”  

is the most powerful scream.
its sometimes the best answer.
a source of great strength.
its one of the hardest arguments to refute.

sometimes its best just to leave everything unsaid.

unintended apologies.

I'm tired of hurting.

But I would rather hurt myself, than to be hurt by someone else.

I realized that no matter what decision I make, I'll never be satisfied with the outcome.

I don't think I'll be wholeheartedly happy.

head-bang.

I find myself back in the same situation, just that the roles have switched. I don't understand why I'm place in this situation in the first place. Though, it is my fault for the circumstances that happened. I blame the immaturity and lack of being rational. No matter how many times I pray about this situation, I feel as if I'm doing wrong.

I just want to lock myself up in a room and just fall in a deep sleep... at least i would be at peace with myself.


... Honestly, I'm trying my best not to break down.

I constantly find myself revising the future in my weekly planner with the feelings of worried and fear, the only anxiety that surpasses for the time being, which finally, when I put down my pen, my nonsense is too overwhelming to gaze at.

I am in lost of words.

Can I be anymore of a jerk?

My mind is captivated with nothing else but it's own thoughts.

I woke up still to that uneasy feeling in my chest...

I don't know why it bothers me. I decided to base my actions on my feelings or just because it feels right. I have to take responsibility for the actions I took. But then why is it that I feel regretful? is it wrong that I feel ashamed?

I can't help the fact that these past few hours I've been pondering, going back and forth again. The fact that I feel some sort of embarrassment or uneasiness that I've allowed myself to be a defenseless target. Better yet, I let my guard down instantly, for one to gain the capability to break me. And since that opportunity is now open, I honestly never felt so vulnerably terrified.

In all honestly, I feel nothing more but relieved... from all the trails and hiding I've done with my emotions. For once, I feel free... as if I can be my own with no doubts or hesitations of worrying about my actions or worrying about my opinions that will later bother another... No more irritation nor bitterness where animosity aroused, and I was only to blame. Now it's just a sense of relief.

Today I found myself sitting in a chair, feeling lonesome and utterly withdrawn to my surroundings. As I observed the chuckles and loudness around me, I realized the only affection I have is the company of the floors and walls I interact with everyday. Today wasn't the first chair either.

I decided to come back from Tumblr. Although I don't have anything against it and I do enjoy the interesting posts people re-blog of fashion, however, that's about it. I find myself caught up in the act of re-blogging and liking pictures I admire, yet my dashboard is constantly filled with pictures of nudity, sex, and people who just want to be "Tumblr" famous competing who "re-blogged/post" what first, who has the most likes and re-blogs. This competitiveness offers nothing but an open door of judgement rather than originality, well as what I've seen.

Sometimes, giving up is the only thing left to do. Holding on to something is easy. You get use to it, you settle for what you don't have. But giving up? It takes courage. It takes strength to let go and move on when every piece of you doesn't want to. It takes strength to convince you mind-your heart-to leave it all behind. And it's by overcoming the will not to that you become a stronger person...

how does one escape from an unhealthy relationship when both are stubbornly and bitterly in love?

the easier way to blog, i guess.
besides its time for a new chapter...

Time for finals >.< finals are raping me! study hard. work hard, play harder. makes no sense.

I need to sort out my thoughts right now. This week has just been hectic. school, midterms, dance, work &more work &plus babysitting and trying to catch up on some sleep. I've been away from church for awhile so it was cool seeing people again. We had to practice since we're performing tomorrow at 11pm. Left 12am &got home 1am. Now I'm just trying to pack for tomorrow. But earlier tonight at 10pm, I got a phone call from my dad. He just got off work (unusual)... he lost his job and he wanted us to come home. His branch closed which is weird because it's the main branch in Temecula. But still, just hearing him over the phone was hard. I feel so helpless &wish for something that I could do. It's hard to see your parents so vulnerable. It's okay, I have faith in God, he has a plan for dad and for us. It just sucks because our weekend/my mom's birthday plans has failed since dad has to go to work to wrap up things. Stupid economy.

Pray. Hope. Believe.

But I'm distracted by my all-time Favorites/Inspiration.