I mean, blogged

Mini-vacation from Nicole’s wretched life. Mostly lounging around watching TV with the Granny. Boredom is calming. Being away from the blogs and and the so-called social networking bullshit. Being mostly alone, but that’s fine, I’m great company. This ends too soon. Home is where the heart dies.

That’s all for now, more to come.

Why is it that authors have such a hard time describing ethnic skin color? Why are black/biracial people olive? As a standalone color, I consider olive to be muddy green…off brown but not brown. As a skin tone, I’d associate it more with middle eastern or south american, yet, its often used to describe black people in books.

Black people are not olive. We are caramel, chocolate, mocha, peanut butter, and other sweets. Biracial (black/white or creole ) people tend to be butterscotch; kind of a golden color or closer to red, like cinnamon.

I’m tired of my people being described with one color that’s not even accurate. There are many ways to describe black skin complexion, but I’ve not known a black person who identities with olive yet.

Most people didn’t realize Laurent was supposed to be black in Twilight because he’s described as olive. I assumed he was Creole based on his name and casting a black actor in the movie confirmed it, but most of us were stumped.

I’m on the phone so I can’t deep, but it bothers me and sometimes makes downright furious. Stop that shit!

I’ve been really, really down lately. Like seriously crying ALL NIGHT! (No exaggeration, literally crying myself to almost-sleep and mumbling incoherently while still crying then waking up and crying.) I keep saying fucked up things that I usually save for my close friends and internet lurkers, things like “I’d like to die now, thanks” and while it’s mostly true, it’s probably heartbreaking for a parent to hear.

Anywho, my mom thought that treating me to Denny’s (a favorite), ‘Twilight Saga: Eclipse’ (pretty good) and spending a little money on me would make me feel better. I do, kinda, but like I’ve been saying, the situations that make me feel this way haven’t changed, so I have no expectation of this lighter mood holding. I might not cry tonight. Probably will though. But, I’m happy-ish.

…I’d probably be destroying it right now. What I wouldn’t do for some nice hefty drawers to throw. Oh and doors… I need doors to slam! We have the bathroom door, which because of its location is a touch difficult to slam. We have the bedroom door which you have to push or pull and hold to slam, because if you just pull it and let go, it will get caught in the carpet. The front door is quite easy to slam but it would shake this whole flimsy building and I don’t have time for neighbors to be in my business / complaining to management. I’m sure hearing shit cascading on the wall next door would be alarming, but only for the people living in the apartment adjacent to ours. Upstairs, they’d probably… never mind. Furniture hitting a wall and shattering is definitely alarming whether it’s next to you or below you.

I used to throw electronics, but once I reaped what I’d sewn and had to manually change the TV for weeks. That shit is not easy when you have satellite TV and all the movie packages. I wish I had something to destroy. I need to vent my anger, sadness and frustrations out in some way, preferably on inanimate objects. I considered driving my car into a wall at high-speed but the issue here is that my transmission is fucked so I wouldn’t get much speed. I’d rather not tap a wall at 20mph; If I’m not gunning it, what’s the point? Be untouched in the car looking a damn fool.

I really do need something to destroy!

I need to get this shit under control. It’s a health risk surely, sleeping like I do… or, not sleeping like I do. It’s early enough tonight that I can still try to fall asleep, but the circumstances that keep me awake haven’t changed. There were a few years when I could sleep pretty normal; odd how no particular memories from that time stand out to me. Was I medicated? No… this is a serious question. I might have been, it would make sense. Stability doesn’t always equal sanity; I may have been “stable” but I was definitely not healthy. I really hated taking medication, but if it made me drowsy, I might need to opt into it now.

Mind over matter is key, but my mind is riddled with worries I can’t suppress long enough to succumb to the inevitable gravitational pull on my eyelids. Fighting nature is a not a fight at all, but I do hold my own for longer than most. If I stay up tonight, this would be my third set of 36+ hour days in the last two weeks. I don’t think that’s healthy at all, but I haven’t been A+ in a while.

I am now distracting myself as I do most days. I am trying to channel this restless energy into something productive. Researching schools I’ll likely decide against enrolling into and looking for jobs I won’t apply for because I’m not qualified or if I am, it’s too far. I am smarter than your average but when has that given me a leg up? It’s about who you know not what you know and how you’re perceived not how you are. Sad fact, what can you do? I am trying not to implode with all the literal shit that clogs my life. I am negativity wrapped in a fitting package. I was optimistic once, but that got me nowhere but disappointed.

Sleepy but without the blessing of blissful rest. I can lie down and close my eyes and still be alert, active. My mind doesn’t shut off every night like normal people, it has to be completely drained of battery before it powers down and even then, it only takes a little while to boot back up. It sucks more than you can imagine finally getting to sleep after 5am only to be awaken before 10am. So  I can either resign myself to staying awake with full knowledge that I’ll likely pass out, or lay down and try to go to sleep knowing I’ll either be stuck in an alert state or actually fall sleep and wake up worse off.

Oh my wretched little life.

Shut the fuck up!

Stop whining. Stop complaining. Stop expecting things to change. Stop being disappointed. Stop caring. Stop crying. Stop worrying. Stop thinking… shut down. Shut it all out. Run away! Never come back. Get lost. Lose yourself. Lose your regrets. Forget the past. Fuck the future. Just live. Live like there’s no end to this. Love like there’s nothing else. Love you, fuck them. Fuck them all. Fuck it all.

Sincerely yours,
You.

P.S. Sorry I failed you.

Apparently.

I knew coming home would be like building a fragile glass fortress and shattering it the instant it’s complete. I feel like I slaved all day in a kitchen to make the finest meal only to be denied a plate when dinner is served. I fucking hate my life with a passion. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, not including my worse enemies; even those bitches I really fucking hatedislike because they are so full of suck and wretched shittyness.

I’m mad that I’ve been fucked over so much in my life and I’ve done nothing but do for others. Sure, I have a foul mouth and I speak the truth in a terribly harsh way, but I have never been a malicious person. I need to build a mental floodgate to keep the sewage in my mind from leaking out of my mouth, because it always comes out as “talking shit,” even when it’s 100% truth. No matter what they say kids, honesty is not the best policy. As good of a liar as I can be, I’m surprised I feel so inclined to be truthful. People neither want the truth or deserve it.

I should do more than come off bad, I should be truly terrible. I should make every decision with bad intentions. I should earn this hell I live. I should tell all those people how utterly pointless it all is and that nobody fucking likes them for who they are and that they’re worth is not measured in how good they are but in how beneficial they are. I should turn back the clock and say “no” at every yes. I should take back every good thing I’ve done because what the fuck has it gotten me? Nothing at all! I should treat everyone with malice and not only earn my reputation for being “mean,” but truly embody it.

Why can’t I sleep? I’m not losing sleep over things I’ve done, I assure you. A lot has happened in the past I would change if I knew then what I knew now, but there is so much that I’d let remain the same so the lesson is learned. I feel like God blessed me with an active mind but within it the curse of restlessness; I can’t shut down. I feel like a fucking actor on a  sitcom being beaten with a skillet. Episode after episode getting hurt and being laughed at. Whoever has the remote, please change the fucking channel. I’m tired of feeling like my life is someone’s sick idea of funny. I think that’s God’s entertainment and he as a twisted sense of humor.

Religious people say it is all a test, but when the fuck do you pass? Will I pass if I die with a smile on my face, despite how unhappy I was most of my life? Where will I go? There cannot be a worse hell than this, so what’s the punishment? Some say God puts these obstacles in front of you so they can make you stronger, but believe me, there is a point where strength gives way and all there is, is hopelessness. How many hurdles do I have to jump before I get a wide open track? Do my legs have to fall off first or will there be room for me to run coming soon?

Religious people have an answer for everything, except why the “wicked” thrive. If God wants us to live a certain way and live by certain principles why do people who blatantly go against that have good lives? Good is relative. I feel good. I feel in my heart that I am a good person. I am truthful enough about myself to know my flaws and believe me, I know them, but with them accounted for, I’m still far “better” in terms of relative goodness – than a lot of people I’ve known who have less shit against them than I do.

And yeah, I am partially to blame. I know that I make my circumstance, but really… what the fuck do you expect? I was blessed with an active mind but obviously not a focused one. I can learn everything but none of it will make a difference if I don’t have purpose in which to use it. Why was I told that dreams could come true? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and fuck me, right? When I was real young I realized that all that dream talk was garbage and only some people’s dreams come true. I learned a little later on that success does not always reward hard work. Hell, some hard work just is and memories of it fade away along with the dreams carried on its back.

Again, this is my lack of sleep talking. Why I can’t sleep? Other than the fact that there are vampires out for my warm, tasty blood I can’t get over the fact that I am in THIS place. THIS place is not just the physical space I am occupying, the apartment we live in, but where I am stuck at mentally and emotionally. THIS place is dark as fuck and deep and my breathing is shallow, my head throbs and my eyes burn from straining so hard to see beyond it. All I can really do here is guess what’s out there and imagine myself clawing my way out of it and rejoining the world showered in light.

Sorry this was random, but I needed to stay awake. I’m sleepy as all get out but I won’t do it. They will not have me and I’d rather die. Literally. I’ll do nothing short of pass out from exhaustion before I let them win.

You can do better, Leo. If you have been down in the dumps and lacking the energy to go out and do things that you know will improve your life, you have to summon your inner courage and get moving. The force will be with you if you can only be your own best friend and do what’s best for your future and for the well-being of yourself and those you love. If you are inclined to sit around and feel sorry for yourself, you are causing worry and stress to those who care. Good things are coming, but you have to open the door and let them in.

via

I don’t know the “science” behind astrology, but the stars must say something, because this is 100% valid in my personal life. I feel like sometimes these are tailor made for me.

I am blown away by this film. I fell in love with every character, the entire cast was phenomenal. There is no doubt in my mind that Robert Pattinson deserves all of his success and I am thoroughly impressed with Emilie de Raven as well as Ruby Jerins. The story had incredible depth and even though I had a vague idea of how the movie would end, I was still surprised and overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn’t have imagined how I’d feel about this film, I love it.

Our fingerprints don’t fade from the lives we touch.
- Tyler Haiden

Today is a sad one because it marks a year since we lost you. I feel that there is a void inside me and in the world; A hole so deep and fresh, one can’t imagine what could fill it. You’re that missing part of never-perfect. Without you some good just isn’t as good. Knowing that I can hear your beautiful voice and see your face is a blessing I’ll cherish. The tragedy is that to remember you is to miss you. And I do.

You’re the best memory though, because through you we share and give and love. In your honor and with respect for the good you’ve done, we hold one another in higher regard and treat each other with just a little more kindness… because you would do it. What you have taught us is more than what we’ve listened to you sing or watched you dance – we’ve learned to love more, because you did. We’ve learned to be strong, because you were. We’ve learned to appreciate, because you’re gone.

Your voice is forever heard. You will live on through your legacy and in our hearts. You are loved still and forever.

R.I.P. Michael Joseph Jackson | August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

Bed bugs and depression. I know it seems odd, but believe me the former directly affects the latter in my case. My mouth is always moving but rarely saying anything worth listening to, but I think it’s time I drop some knowledge and share my experience. I hope what I say in both regards does not negatively affect your opinion on me though I can say with certainty, I genuinely don’t give a shit. I just want / need to let you all know and do my part to educate and possibly do myself some good. Stay tuned! I’ve got some stories to tell. Also, if you have any questions right now, head on over to my formspring.

Everything that could go wrong has. The only worst thing that could happen in my life is sickness, and it’d only be the red cherry on top of a whopping bullshit-sundae with pain-whip topping and heartbreak-sprinkles. I’m so over this whole fucking thing!

I’ve managed to not have seen Lady Gaga’s controversial ‘Alejandro’ video. I still haven’t seen an episode of Jersey Shore. I kind of know who Snookie is and only vaguely recognize The Situation, and that’s only because I happen to have landed on TMZ one night and they were both mentioned in that episode. New music? I’ve heard none of it. Justin Bieber’s new video, hell any of his videos… have not watched. The exception is Eenie Meenie and that’s because it auto-started on a page where I reading another article entirely. I haven’t heard Miley Cyrus’ new songs nor seen her video, I’ve only run across screenshots here and there. I’m not in the know. I just don’t care anymore.

…well like it’s kind of about web development and coding and shit.

See, you probably already know this much, but I have this 3OH!3 fan siteStarstrukk that I own/manage along with a Gym Class Heroes fan site Upstate Kids that I co-own/co-manage with LaShaunda. Anywho, they both run on WordPress. WordPress is my go-to for every kind of site. All of my websites, personal blogs or otherwise, have been built using WP. I love it!

The issue, the thing I’m getting at is that WP is now on version 3.0 (yay!) and there are a ton of new features (and some old ones) that I really want/need to implement on those sites. The real issue is that I have no clue how to do it! See, WP uses PHP and though I can figure it out enough to make slight changes, I have no clue how to take a completely custom layout [see: Upstate Kids] and make it 3.0 compatible (and w3 valid). This is stressing me out, because I want to be able to keep making themes from scratch, but I don’t want my bullshit coding skills to keep my sites from being the absolute best, next-level shit they can be.

So, I’m looking for tutorials and saving code snippets to use. I’m trying to tweak the 3.0 default theme Twenty Ten to work like itself, but not look like itself. I’ve done a decent job of changing the fonts and colors and other small things and I even managed to figure out the proper PHP code to change the header image size, but there is a lot more I want to do and I don’t know how. PHP code looks like algebra, and I suck at algebra… I mean I’m dreadful at it. So I’m kind of just stuck.

There is no point to this post other than me venting about this thing that’s low key bothering me. Back to being a bullshit website maker.

…I lose any sense of contentment I may have felt that day. Its a horrid experience, being able to feel the good drain out of you; knowing the exact moment when your heart splits in two. I don’t know what heartbreak feels like but I know its what I go through every night.

Even worse is being forced to think about it all, because I can’t sleep. I used to pray I’d get tired enough to fall asleep instantly, now I pray for constant energy so I can forfeit sleep and the heartbreak process altogether.

I never get what I pray for.