POET145

February 15, 2010

I told myself I wouldn't write anymore.
I thought that if I stopped writing I'd be able to put everything behind me.
Guess I've become an expert at subconsciously lying.
I just can't seem to figure out where the hell I went wrong.

There used to be a time when things seemed to be getting better,
seemed a little brighter.
That was a couple months ago when I made another "best attempt" at forgetting It.
And..it seemed to work.
Things looked especially better when I thought life had given me another lemon since
I messed up the first batch.
Life gave me a lime and tricked me instead.

The realization had been more clearer than before.

Amidst the snow about a week ago,
I don't know how it happened to me, but the memory was brought alive again, and with every breeze brushing against my face...
I felt that night permeate through my very being, swallowing me with familiarity;
But then..and now, I wish It never had.
I felt engulfed by fear and possessed by anger - my enemies who had been let out of Pandora's Box yet again and the ones I've tried so hard to suppress for several years.

Here it was, this new chance, giving me everything it had to offer! I couldn't help but feel like an insult wrapped around its insufficient embrace.
I was pathetic. I couldn't even tell it the truth.
Instead, I avoided its unknowing gaze.
As soon as those eyes miraculously unglued themselves from me, I boarded the train.
The sudden encounter with my old acquaintance disconcerted me.
I couldn't believe how well I retraced the steps back to It.

Ever since then, I've been allowing my mind to formulate an illusion with the foundation from my deepest desire for It.
So as much as I wanted to write, as much as I wanted to resist defeat..
I would not, could not, bring my pen to trace the words that would suggest my vulnerability.
The words that would suggest that I still knew the sound of a stammer or two.
That I still wish for a closeness to It that used to raise my temperature to a degree I never knew before and I can't seem to find another that's able to do the same.

I remember those feelings.
The ones that overcame me with an instant worry followed by an involuntary tear that fell onto the same concrete ground It did.
At that moment, I fell. I fell out of the state of denial.
I didn't want to believe that a feeling like this could take hold so soon.

February 23, 2010

I can't sleep tonight.
This is one of those nights when I lay in bed trying to sort it all out.
That is until I think about it for so long that I end up falling asleep in mid thought.
And each night had been the same - without any progress.
I'm up at 4:45 in the morning jotting down the secret
I hoped I'd say, but figured it was best not to or was too much of a coward to say.
And all because my senses have betrayed me.

My sense of sight has been constantly forming the figure I wish to see.
My sense of hearing vies to listen to the name I know to be uttered by only one person.
My sense of touch wants a reminder of how well I used to feel by your side.
My sense of taste desires to savor the lips I know can melt mine.

But now all I can think about is the opportunity to at least see him again.
Sometimes I wish I could be as strong as everybody says I am, but the truth
is ------

I see the world as a globe,
Rubberball I can press and release perhaps,
Ball of clay I can push, poke, and press,
Squeeze, stretch, strap
Like playdoh to my hand, and then unlatch back onto the kitchen table.

Ready to be mashed and built and separated and put together again,
Ready to be played, on, in, with.
Out.

I see the world,
as a reflection of what is inside,
the World,
merely a reflection echoing visually
What I do not see Inside...
Balance echoing chaos.

"If that makes me UNCOMPROMISING, then I wear it as a badge of honor cuz I'm in DAMN GOOD COMPANY! Martin Luther King was uncompromising, Nelson Mandela was uncompromising, and I'm sure your MOTHER was uncompromising, although the evidence of that is not apparent today."

Never be afraid to be silly...follow my lead @CinderellaKeiko

He pulled her by her roots 

Words were so fluid flowing through my lips I never thought I could talk like this
Somehow this happen
This status quo that I thought would never work
Imagine
Two forces combined in the realm of music
Guess it’s intuitive the way we got glue in it
Its foolish to say I knew this was going to happen
Because I never thought a spark would ignite,
I didn’t think we were the “match”
Sulfur scraps on mind palates please tell me these synapses were right
I guess they were
As smiles were brought about
And although my tongue only kissed poetry I felt she would understand
Because your beauty could only be express with her
Even through breathless words
Countless thoughts
Up to this day I cannot fathom being in a relationship
Because to be honest
I never wanted one
Who knew it would lead to perfection?
I guess someone has got something planned
And if I knew in advance
This would have happened a long time ago I wouldn’t have needed to ask
But now excitement of emotions causes blood rushes
And we can’t control our own bodies
Their possessed
And the feelings expressed
You can only land on clouds afterwards
Its called bliss
As lips walk the grounds of orgasm
While your feet still kiss
We are on a higher level now, no not sex
This that
I understand you deal
Without understanding a bit
And why didn’t you call me flow
But didn’t complain for shit
Its like perfection
Simply that
And if wounds were inflicted from the future backlashes
I know you would still bandage our bond
And we will still be by your fireside sharing stories
During a night that I call perfection…

Ryan Rampersaud

untitled for now

mama when was the last time i told you i loved you
6 months ago
it was 6 months ago when friendly fire aided you to your death
my mother
lost to a straight slouching built
that cared less what life it took
mama did you know that 11,127 people are lost to straight bullets
each year in the U.S.
and the little shoes that hang on phone lines was
your message, and mama i will never let go
a soul connected only by umbilical cords
and the locket you left was tied on
i will never let go
grand ma told me to always pray for rain
to come and wash hell off this earth
so that i can hear your footsteps on my window seal
and hear you sing lullaby hymns to the sun to scratch at the horizon
my mother
remember those lectures that you taught me to be strong
mama nooooo
i know, this hurts me more than it hurts you
but after you can be that toy shoulder for mommy
my son, can stand up high for himself
this pain maybe hurting now
but, i love you, and i just want you to understand
my baby, i understand
the whelps are their to let you know what is real love
and the scars are i the remembrance, that mommy loves you
my son, i understand
she told me to look into the mirror
and i saw saw something that God forgot that he had created
because if he had created me
Adam would have a belly button
and eve would have not bitten that far into the apple
because apples only fall for the bastards that don't know God
and i am the last words God had written into revaluation
and he baptize me
1 for the father 2 for the son 3 for the holy ghost
and i became apostle Paul
writing words that never been said
crif craft creations of my own
because i am Houdini breaking you down into the stars that never took the time to shine
because the government told me mama is gone forever
and she will never come back
and i said that was a lie
because she lives forever in my body
i am the reflection of my mothers love
and nobody can tell me that
love does not exist

U smell like something god was too afraid to create
So I stand firm in the belief
That u are a descendant of the clouds
With the sky imprinted on your back

I wish you would laugh more often
With me
or At me
It really doesn’t matter
Either way ur giggles leave me breathless

Women who scares me to a silent quiver of knees and shallow breathing
I just recently found the memory of the best reason to smile
on your shirt
U wear the same perfume as my friend
who slipped through the fingers of forever
To soon .
I know it sounds wrong
But smelling like suicide
Is a compliment here

Women with skin that sounds like the violent snaps of rubber bands
U are a recovering butcher
Or at least I feel it’s safe to assume so
You are stained blood red beautiful
With a soul like a night sky
The stars are clawing to your gut
A Broken Column for a backbone
ur spine is a painting the world is too familiar with
you are godly like fears trapped in a poet


and sometimes I wonder if u could see me past the mic
would u recite me?
dear cloud women,
I’d be your poem
and take honor in being left
on the stage.

There is a coffee stain on the social fabric of this time,
That reeks of putrid milk spilled over a smooth piece of cloth
That is the American Flag,
No longer Red, White, and Blue,
But Red, White, and
Stained,
Unable to emit the scent
Of its pure dye,
Black and Brown Ugly blots, naked to the eye.

Inner circle is circumscribed by WARNING SIGNS,
Big Job, Big House, Big Dog, Big Family,
Stale ingredients coalescing into the bland boiling pot of utopia,
That shall sugarcoat one,
But artificial saccharides hide the underlying lie,
This cannot possibly be the American Dream.

“America I’ve given you all and now I’m nothing”,
Allow me to unzip this layer,
Here are my quirks, odd-shaped nuts and bolts,
Here is me,
And your media-mediated circle of life, America
I’ve given you all
And now I’m nothing,
But another needle in this smoldering haystack of Dicks
And Janes.



(Based on 1950s American and quotes Beat poet "Allen Ginsberg")(Howl is a LONG COMPLicated son of a gun)

Connected by navels [naval]
My heart sinks in this titanic event
Salt brushes my left cheek, and this rose seems to be glued to my hand
I can’t drop it
My lips quiver, and clutch my face
My waist
I waste my life sitting in this place
But the grass keeps growing and the stones still gray
…I can’t drop it
I can still remember when her smile could lift my soul up
Could lift me under her bosom and feed me
So I could hold up
Support was never a problem
I would make my inconsistent bars for hours
Put the work in for ours
Put the roof over for my sister
Over my brother
My baby nephew I miss him
Wish I could kiss her before they killed them
How does it feel with out her? Like a life in prison
I can’t drop it
They would be remembered as blocks of cement?
That’s all they ever meant?
Spent years crying in this bed
I live with the bible by my side with God’s Amen
Amen
Thank him
I’m still breathing
My ribcage still closed
If only I saw her eyes before they closed
Before her pulse fell
Before her heart stop
Before I left the house
Before 12 o’clock [doomsday]
I can’t drop it
My eyes stare up
As if the sun could show me the way
Point me in the right direction
Show me the guidance
That’s in God’s eyes as healthy corrections
But I’m here
Mourning the past
Mourning the dead
Looking at the tombstone and still it read
Rest in Peace R & B and Hip-Hop
And I can’t drop….

[[I'll give you guys a piece of my mixtape, that I'm still trying to record, Shock Therapy 117]]

Now my mind is fog up
Kind of... up
Trying to set my life straight
Since i screwed my life up
so i just type up
i cant light up
if they found out
i'd get my lights bust

So i look for the greater good
who should be the one
to steer away from satan cush [kush]

they say i have devil eyes
they say in your heart is where that evil lies
We all have that evil smile
But does that mean my happiness is a demon's cry?
I've been looking for answers it ain't in the skies
I've been praying
but they don't reply
My mom told me they say it disguised
3 months later
I have blood in my eyes
People say things could be a miracle
The works of a clerical
Magically
Spiritual
In this case they haven't looked for this case
Looked for this face
i've been misused in this place

I hate when they say born again
You die for your beliefs
But not born for them
I refuse churchs help I just need him
I don't hate them
i just don't care for hymns

I've been to confessions
Sown my woes
God forgive me
I put the cross over my soul
I crossed over before
And i lost my foes
I need this light so I can escape this hole

People like to keep the bible next to their bed
Keep the demons away
Is what my mother said
But according to my lifestyle that I have led
I rather put the bible right next to my head

Consumed in a environment
Bred for the streets
I can't just walk up the Gates I have to wipe my feet
disrespect my family
No one to go to
Wish I could fly away
And uplift my soul too

I'm trying to imagine
If that dagger didn't carve him
Would it carve me as harmful?
Been to that yard draped in black
Salute that mother....
He died for that flag
It don't matter if it was red or blue
It matters if my Jesus piece protects my crew

But thats behind me
I'm just trying to change
My face tilts down so I can walk in this reign [rain]
They keep telling about community service
I don't that bull...
No bread and circus

My mother never told me that I can be whatever I wanted to be.
Because she knew the statistics already held a position for me.

It started out with 12 of us.
Me and my crew, all the cool kids knew,
Cuz we were the loudest motherfuckers in the whole highschool.
We had a plan for the future, had it layed out too.
Thought we were ahead of the game, but we just spoke too soon.

+Stats say; 1 out of 6 of your friends
Gon’ cut class till one day you never see them again+

So, it was 10 of us.
Chillen, barely passin’ class.
Sittin’ in the back and cuttin’ everybody ass.
Always talkin’, but stood shut when a question was asked.
Until we found out we ain’t have enough credits to pass.

+Stats say; 10% of us think way too late,
And when the time comes, we won’t even graduate+

So, it was 9 of us.
Tassles to the left, I take a look at my mom.
She cryin’, I’m glad I don’t gotta deal with this shit at prom.
All fun, we got it in to our favorite songs.
We headed home, free crib, boutta get it on.
We planned it out, I’m finally gonna get her alone.
But the car crashed cuz he had too many shots of Patron.

+Stats say; 32% of traffic deaths are a result of drunk driving.
Leaving a slim chance of all you night clubbers of surviving+

So, it was 6 of us.
Way different from how we were in the start.
4 years later, already hit the halfway mark.
6 down, 6 to go. We holdin’ on for dear life.
Try to do the right thing and never think about it twice.
Don’t look back, no regrets. Stay on course through the night.
But sometimes you feel so left, that even death looks right.----Common----
You see, life’s just a game that you can’t control.
And when you’re stuck, people like to use cheat codes.
But they come with reprocusions. Truth be told.
It’s like Grand Theft Auto without free roam.

+Stats say; 59% of us are in jail.
That’s why we’re the minorities.
So someone better shift the direction of this fuckin’ story, please.
And if it ain’t you or you, then I’ma tell you what’s it gonna be.
It will be the spit comin’ out my mouth, landin’ right in front of me.

Let it settle and feed the roots of your soul.
Cuz these kids should be taught more than the best way to roll.
And fuck Jim Jones and every 167 seconds of his youtube video.
Which they felt was more appropriate than a damn porno.
But listen, I’d rather see a little boy admiring the anatomy of a woman.
Then seeing him learn about drugs and how to push it.

I guess these hustlas forgot the whole purpose of hustlin.
It was the only option left when you were in the dirt, strugglin’.
Meant to get back up on your feet, then be on your way.
Yet I see these same niggaz on the corner every gad damn day.
And it pisses me off, that these dudes are considered pushers.
And they don’t push shit.
They settled.
They’re tryna build mountains with pebbles.
And while they’re pacing back and forth 100 times,
I’m focused on pushin’ mine.
My boulders that stand together, yea the journey’s long.
But in the end it’s all worth it, because they stand strong.
And when those “Pushers” think that they’re finally on top of their mountain,
It all comes crumbling down, and they find themselves startin’
From scratch and by then,
Everyone used up the boulders and they’re stuck with pebbles again.
But I can’t front.
You’ll find a few pebbles at the base of my mountain
Because over time, you grow and back then I was an ant.
But I can’t and I won’t ever go back to pushin’ pebbles,
And fuck pushin’ rocks,
Cuz rocks were the limits that statistics put on our grandparents,
Who raised our parent on those theories,
Who’ve used what they learned from those tales on lessons for us,
And now we’re proving those stereotypes correct.
And I’m not lettin’ no one tell me what I can and can’t do.
So I’ma push, and keep pushin’ and I won’t stop until
I birth some inspiration into these kids who can’t tell the difference between a boulder and a pebble.

My mother never told me that I could be whatever I wanted to be,
Because she knew that the statistics already held a position for me,
But I turned it down, and I kept on pushing my boulder to the top of my mountain.

[[FeedBack]]

Ive been denied as many times as a dime can be multiplied thats ten minus a nine,

Add 5, then divide by six, no sex, just wrist movements and stress less nights,

No rights just left, right hand on mouse while I stop then perplex, and vexed at the equation, ive been denied as many times as a dime can be multiplied thats ten minus a nine add five then divide by six....

One

The product, the quotient, the sum of my problems can all be done with one,

Yes her, she broke thy heart and refused to give it back,

And when she gives it back im so amused by her muse that I give it in return as a thank u for returning, wat u took and shattered and the cycle repeats,

And im amazed at her power,

How she can do this  to me,

I love u wayne, rly??

Ur the best friend I ever had,

Now ask me how bad this word can twist and drag my soul out form body,

Ask mario how he felt wen he saved the princess and got nothing, nadi, nada,

Maybe thats the problem, 

Im too much at war with gears

My 360, 360s the mind and all they see is another dude in loved with his games more than her,

No no, I love u baby

Baby

Maybe thats it, im too much of a romantic,

I need to be a dick, treat girls like shit,

Cease the good guy and be the guy that hits,

Cuz girls like chris,

brown

And I sing, forced to dance, so they wants a guy who cheats around, then slaps u for finding out

Nah thats just a joke,

I cud never touch a woman

Everyone knows if they hit u u just shake him,

Stop it woman, stop control ur self

Yea thats wat tv taught me,

Then were locked in each others eyes and our lips r interlocking,

Interlocking,

Locking

Locked in

Not like pop locking

But locked in a relationship

Commitment

Im willing to stand out and say yes im with it

Easy

Im being to easy

Gotta be hard to get.

See if I hang then flex, then flirt with the next

She’ll see me as no less but more,

Cuz I got babes hung on me like knobs on a door

Number one, number 2, number 3, number 4

I look across the room to see if she sees how much im adored

But then I adore

Not her chest

But her ears

Not that butt but her arms

Not her face but just the eyes

Cuz see im not like most guys

And I know most guys use the same lines

But I like wat most dont see

And thats wat locked u to me

sorry if theres mistakes, www.youtube.com/cokedarapper

You seem to be a homemade hot soup with ingredients gathered from the whole family.
You do not hold putrid flavors like our sister’s disobedience or my consistent calamity.
Your arrival marks the make of an inequality
And the utter beginning of a one-sided sibling rivalry.

You came in dark times and illuminated my life.
Listening to your charming gibberish made me quickly get rid of my strife
Listening to your cries made my eyes liquify and instead of breaking glass you broke my ribs allowing your pain to enter
Full of sorrow caused by your mood, I ran to you fulfilling my duties as your brother.

The seed which, when planted, had grown roots of glee in my body is what you are
I’m just reminiscing about how your past, innocent actions have affected me so far.
Our appearances most likely convince our characters to be equivalent,
But my heart wishes for you to emerge as more reliable, fortunate, and more valiant.

You are either greater than, or equal to me.
Or maybe just a better equal than me.
But, there are still variables and terms to be accounted for
And as your side of the inequality increases, my love for you grows even more.

(Wrote this for class like two years ago and NOW is when I post it!!!)

I must write because

My mind must be wrapped around a Hershey bar of poetry because that chocolate makes me happy,

My mouth must morph into a boom box yet again

Because my bones ache to feel the rhythms in which meters transcend

From the inner vaults of my heart out to the bass pounding oval frame of my mouth

I need to spit gold,

And hope my drops of saliva solidify

So you may see

That what I say, what I feel is REAL

Because emotions are abstruse objects hidden behind the locked gates of our chest

And as I try to get high off of that pure stash of ardor, it only gets harder

It’s like my tongue wrestles itself down and my words get tripped up as they dance upwards on my vocal chords

So they begin to form an itchy hair ball between my neck and throat,

So I choke

Seems like my voice box just broke because I know what to say but my lips don’t

But I need to spit gold,

And present to you a poem: a metaphysical gift wrapped around pieces of my mind

But my bottled soul has been more than half empty

But it’s not as if one’s heart can suddenly stop its circulation of the forever stream of emotions flowing in and out of the body

It’s not like thick arrows have struck my brain and damaged my limbic system causing me to grow ascetic roots as I rid myself my one true passion, to slam

I need to slam an audience with a vicious five finger smack of this-is-what-I-love…

So much

That I want to spit gold till my lips feel so dry that Chap Stick can’t come to the rescue

Spit so much that the mike’s pores overflow with puddles of my belly-quenching moments

As my voice attempts to quench your ear’s thirst to hear more

(didn't know what else to say......for now I mean)

Completely flawless
Down to the bruises and self-inflicted wounds
This is true beauty
I can not change your course
I can not change your ways
I can only take in your splendor
And breathe in this self-fulfilling prophesy
That downpours misery
That destroys its own body for you
This is beautiful
Simply beautiful

This box can’t keep me warm
This trash doesn’t fill me for long
Short-changed
Literally on the subway
No matter how much I beg
Only get a couple dollars for just one day
I try to save but it’s kind of hard when your shower is the rain
You just make me sick with your phones in your ears
You’re deaf when I speak
But I know that you hear
And my muffles come through your headphones
Kind of hard to not notice a vagabond I know
I used to be “civilized”
Used be steady with a 9 to 5
Brought home the bacon
For me, myself, and I
That’s 3 times the food I get currently from January to July
Only two sets of clothes now I don’t got a home
Foreclosed probably 4 or 5 months ago
Now I’m alone
Can’t get a job
Can’t sleep with your car alarms blaring
I’m poor
It’s apparent
But it doesn’t mean I’m not less than a human
You stare at me with confusion
I’ve had a college education
But a Bachelor’s can only get you so far without losing
Been draining weight, been force to pick your pockets
Sell goods at pawn shop
Your watches and lockets
Your game boys I cop it
Even those IPods and mp3s
Yes I got it
Cop it
Before cops stop it
I profit
But enough for one bowl of rice
Thanks Stock Market
What is a recession for you, is just more of a pain for me
Higher prices for goods mean more money to eat
Since financially I can’t stand on my own two feet
You probably love your flat screen TVs
Stuck on the stamps you stuck on your stocks
You get cut from your job yet I don’t see you on my block
My house is always filthy
Thanks to you
Wipe your own feet at my bedroom
Disrespect
Simply is just that
I can’t show respect back
Don’t see change
So two seconds later where your chain at?
Yes
Around my neck
That’s my check
That’s my salary
But don’t have any hope left
And I still pray to an empty voice
Still I get cleaned by nature
I’m free by law
But yet banded by paper?
How could I savor, this life without saviors
This game without kings just pawns in our way but
The obstacles we tend to topple in our path
It’s optional if you take advantage or pass
If you tend risk it
Then you miss it
You get pay back
Called consequences
I got hit hard in my wallet
I’m just broke now
Jump off this roof
God
I finally got a home now