jen c.

This past week, has brought about a lot of loss, and change in my life

my kitty of fourteen years passed away on Monday.

and then a day later a very dear friend of mine lost a dear friend of hers to a car accident.

she was 42 years old, just crossing a street on a random evening out.

that could have been one of us. it could have been me.

Made me think about how often we take things for granted.

And don’t we all?

we always think, things, people…will just always be there.

I know about death and we all know they will get old and pass on.

but still, we are never ready for that loss when it happens.

I wasn’t ready.

I wasn’t ready to lose my girl. she was a huge comfort to me and I miss her sweet face.

I come home and no one is here to greet me, no one to follow me to the bathroom for a scratch.

I look out the window and well up.

I can’t help but look around at what is left and see that my life has changed.

And I don’t like change.

After about eighteen years with my fur balls my comfort is gone.

it’s quiet and empty around here

I feel selfish for thinking of my needs, when my sweet friend is gone.

wonder if she knew she was loved and if I truly cherished her when I had the time to.

just want one more day to play with her ears and hold her paws

just one more day

Time is the only healer for this kind of loss

and focusing on what’s good and beautiful and the road ahead of me

a friend of mine told me that after awhile change doesn’t hurt anymore

Change becomes a chance at a new beginning…

I believe this to be true

what do I say to my friend ?

She is devastated with the loss of her friend

and I find no words that would make that pain any better for her

“Let me know if there is anything I can do for you?”

There isn’t anything I can do…

And I don’t believe everything happens for a reason.

some things just happen and sometimes they make no sense at all.

I’d like to say, keep her in your heart and hold onto the memories you had with her

but that would not comfort me.

That woman won’t see her kids grow up

or celebrate anymore birthdays

and it’s not fair!

but it does make me think about my life

the chances I have

the hope left for me

the friends still here with me

I was overwhelmed with the feeling that…

I just want to hug all of my friends

just once.

tell them I love them

make sure they know…

I wonder if they do, or if I know that I am also loved…

maybe it sounds cheesy, but sometimes we need reminders.

even harsh ones.

reminding us to humble ourselves

be grateful for the time we have

to make us more aware that Life really is short.

Don’t wait to love people

Love them now, Today

“Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free…

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared a laugh, a kiss;
Ah yes, these things, I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life’s been full, I savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.

Perhaps my time seems all to brief;
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me…”

I will try not to grieve for you…

She had blue skin.
And so did he.
He kept it hid
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by –
And never knew.

There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
“I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What’s right for you– – just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.

And she loved this little boy very much-

even more then she loved herself…

(from The Giving Tree)

pictures by me, poems by Shel Silverstein <3

You’ve been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it’s taken me so long
To let my doubts go

You’re the only one that I want
I don’t know why I’m scared, I’ve been here before
Every feeling, every word, I’ve imagined it all,
You’ll never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I’m worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I’ve been on your mind?
You hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time at the mention of my name
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close?
And have you tell me whichever road I choose you’ll go

I don’t know why I’m scared ’cause I’ve been here before
Every feeling, every word, I’ve imagined it all,
You’ll never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I’m worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I know it ain’t easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain’t easy
Giving up your heart
(Nobody’s perfect, trust me I’ve learned it)
I know it ain’t easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody’s perfect, trust me I’ve learned it)
I know it ain’t easy, giving up your heart

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I’m worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

QUIERO que sepas
una cosa.

Tú sabes cómo es esto:
si miro
la luna de cristal, la rama roja
del lento otoño en mi ventana,
si toco
junto al fuego
la impalpable ceniza
o el arrugado cuerpo de la leña,
todo me lleva a ti,
como si todo lo que existe,
aromas, luz, metales,
fueran pequeños barcos que navegan
hacia las islas tuyas que me aguardan.

Ahora bien,
si poco a poco dejas de quererme
dejaré de quererte poco a poco.

Si de pronto
me olvidas
no me busques,
que ya te habré olvidado.

Si consideras largo y loco
el viento de banderas
que pasa por mi vida
y te decides
a dejarme a la orilla
del corazón en que tengo raíces,
piensa
que en ese día,
a esa hora
levantaré los brazos
y saldrán mis raíces
a buscar otra tierra.

Pero
si cada día,
cada hora
sientes que a mí estás destinada
con dulzura implacable.
Si cada día sube
una flor a tus labios a buscarme,
ay amor mío, ay mía…

en mí todo ese fuego se repite,
en mí nada se apaga ni se olvida,
mi amor se nutre de tu amor, amada,
y mientras vivas estará en tus brazos
sin salir de los míos.

photos by me, word by Pablo Neruda

I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they’re real
I’ve been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel 

(from the Cure Trilogy)

Remembering
You standing quiet in the rain
As I ran to your heart to be near
And we kissed as the sky fell in
Holding you close
How I always held close in your fear
Remembering
You running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow
And screamed at the make-believe
Screamed at the sky
And you finally found all your courage
To let it all go
Remembering
You fallen into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
You were stone white
So delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering
You how you used to be
Slow drowned
You were angels
So much more than everything
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly
Open my eyes
But I never see anything
If only I’d thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I’d thought of the right words
I wouldn’t be breaking apart
All my pictures of you
Looking so long at these pictures of you
But I never hold on to your heart
Looking so long for the words to be true
But always just breaking apart
My pictures of you
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
All my pictures of you

sitting in my room in the dark

this song takes me back….twenty years

where I was sitting in my room in the dark

listening to the same words being sung to me.

I am 18 years old, the tape deck playing…

something so special to take me back…

something old made new

words and music that still have a way of holding onto my heart

Apparently, all I needed to clear my head was a lovely day off aimlessly walking in this big city of mine!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!!

Shot with my iPhone and shared on my instagram

incalculable

limitless

unbounded

patient
waiting

listening…

desolate

vacant

deflated…

breathless – arrested

Let it go…
take it
empty me
leave me

let me go

this is not a love song
i’m sorry …

just had to sing it

“I’ll be sure to keep my distance”

today I danced in my sleep

sang in your sweet dark dreams

swam to your lips in my head

held your hand in the light of the blue oceans sun…

…and I’ll be there
with you
in each song
in each of the moments

in our distance…

my words will hold you

kisses will cover you
all over

yielding

caressing, tickling….protecting..

truth is….

forgetting the taste of your lips

fragrant, melting…

reaching,

falling from eyes

and it doesn’t matter so…

come back to bed

and stay here with me in my dreams…

I’ll be there
with you
in each song
in each of the moments

in our distance…

“for how much longer can I howl into this wind”

(words and photos by me except quotations)

My heart is sad and lonely

For you, I sigh, for you, dear only
Why haven’t you seen it, I’m all for you

Body and soul

I spend my days in longing
Wondering why it’s me that you’re wronging
I tell ya, I mean it, I’m all for you

Body and soul

I can’t believe it, it’s hard to conceive it
That you’d turn away romance.

Are you pretending, it looks like the ending
Unless, I could have one more chance to prove it, dear

My life a wreck you’re making
You know, I’m yours for just the taking
I’d gladly surrender myself to you

Body and soul

My life a wreck, you’re making
You know I’m yours for just the very taking
I’d gladly surrender myself to you

Body and soul

miss you amy….

Days like this
I don’t know what
To do with myself
All day and all night
I wander the halls
Along the walls and
Under my breath
I say to myself
I need fuel
To take flight
And there’s too
Much going on
But it’s calm under
The waves
In the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in
The blue of my oblivion

Is that why they call me
A sullen girl, sullen girl
They don’t know
I used to sail the
Deep and tranquil sea
Nut he washed me shore
And he took my pearl
And left an empty
Shell of me
And there’s too
Much going on
But it’s calm under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion
It’s calm under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion

lyrics: Fiona Apple

Pics: me

“Don’t you ever let a soul in the world tell you that you can’t be exactly who you are.”

Lady Gaga

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My pictures are also added to BAM

Estoy enamorado
Simplemente
Te lo quiero confesar
Te lo queria decir
Totalmente ilusionado
Me la paso pensandote
Nunca voy a soltarte

*

I will always be by your side

I’m in love
simply
I’ll confess

I wanted to say
I keep thinking of you
I’ll never let you go

I captured Love here – seen on the THESE MOMENTS blog.

Out there

you’ll see it all.
The floating ends
will meet and mend,
and you will be yourself;
your fully-formed,
though always changing,
self of selves.
Every clumsy backward look
will pay for itself.
Every tear you’ve cried,
or wanted to cry,
will set your broken bones.
The rips in your heart
will no longer
need to be guarded
by steel girders,
banyan trees,
or even rice paper.
Not so much as a
dragonfly’s wing
will you need
to cover the bludgeoned place,
to protect the private you
you love so much
and hope to save intact
from what has seemed years
of relentless pummeling.

Go and live and love
in peace, my friend,
for surely there is love
to enfold you,
and life to be feasted upon:
your portion is boundless.
Love will be the more
you’ve wanted.
You will know it
when you see it.
You will love yourself
as no lover
has ever had the courage
to love;
and the warmth you’ve wanted
will line your pillowcases,
dance upon your windowsill,
and hide
at the ends of your socks
awaiting your toes.

-Deborah Mears

Flume ~ bon iver

I am my mother’s only one
It’s enough
I wear my garment so it shows
Now you know

Only love is all maroon
Gluey feathers on a flume
Sky is womb and she’s the moon

I am my mother on the wall
With us all
I move in water, shore to shore
Nothing’s more

Only love is all maroon
Lapping lakes like leery loons
Leaving rope burns, reddish ruse

Only love is all maroon
Gluey feathers on a flume
Sky is womb and she’s the moon

find me and my Instagram photos here.

I meant to spend Sunday, reading and writing blog stuff, but once again, the blog stuff was pushed back. I haven’t been a blogger much at all lately.  In fact, I posted this yesterday with some song lyrics and then went back this morning to change all of that because I had something to say.

Since I graduated, started a new job, and a new life on my own, I have been adjusting, reflecting, thinking…I haven’t been shooting as much as I would like to, however, I carry my phone with me everywhere and can’t help but shoot everything I see. You can find me on flikr and instagram all the time.

Graduating was a wonderful feeling. I know it was 20 years past when I felt I should have graduated, but it was an accomplishment I won’t ever forget. I was determined and focused and I enjoyed it. I used all the struggle and pain in my life to fuel my body and my brain to keep going, and it was something special, almost magical. Something just about me. Something that was mine and no one could take that away. I was in control of the outcome and I didn’t give up.

I learned more from that experience then from any in my life. I learned more about myself in this feat more than any in my life, and in this battle, I WON!

Lately, I just wanna be….

I don’t want to push myself, schedule myself, force myself to do anything or be anything. I just wanna be!  Just taking one small step at a time. Waking up without a plan, without thinking too far ahead, without feeling I missed out, or could haves, should haves.

Just to be.

I am merely just a shadow of what I used to be, and it hasn’t been a smooth ride on the rollercoaster of my crazy life. I find myself now… searching for that girl, that heart, the smile, all that was me. I need time. I want to give myself time, freedom and space. Quiet, solitude…for healing and reflection, for saying nothing. Just to be…

Like the flowers, like the trees,

the Sun, the rain…like they all do.

to shine in the light and be just like me.

I need time to just be…

Searching for a destiny that’s mine

there’s another place another time…
Touching many hearts along the way
hoping that I’ll never have to say

It’s just an illusion – illusion – illusion.

Follow your emotions anywhere
is it really magic in the air?
Never let your feelings get you down.

Open up your eyes and look around
It’s just an illusion – illusion – illusion.

Could it be that it’s just an illusion putting me back in all this confusion?
Could it be that it’s just an illusion now?
Could it be that it’s just an illusion putting me back in all this confusion?
Could it be that it’s just an illusion now?

Could it be a picture in my mind?

Never sure exactly what I’ll find.
Only in my dreams I turn you on.

Here for just a moment then you’re gone.
It’s just an illusion – illusion – illusion.

Could it be that it’s just an illusion putting me back in all this confusion?
Could it be that it’s just an illusion now?

Could it be that it’s just an illusion putting me back in all this confusion?
Could it be that it’s just an illusion now? . . .

pictures taken by me, lyrics by Imagination, Just an Illusion

Take your expectations,

and throw them in the ocean…

“Breathe (2 AM)”

just breathe…

words by Anna Nalick

I am happy
That I have you
Even though you´re not here now
I know somewhere
You are dreaming
Though it´s definitely not of me

It doesn’t matter

If this all shatters
Nothing lasts forever
But I´m praying
That we´re staying
Together

I am warmed
By your friendship
Even when you´re far away
And I´m happy
In the knowledge
We may never see the day

when I kiss you
And you kiss me
Don´t pretend you miss me
The worst kind
Of diseased mind
Is one filled with jealousy

If we should meet again
Don´t try to solve the puzzle
Just lay down next to me
And please don´t move a muscle

I will thank you
Most of all for
The respect you have for me
I´m embarrassed
It overwhelms me
Because I don´t deserve any

it doesn’t matter…

if this all shatters
Nothing lasts forever
But I´m praying
That we´re staying
Together

~depeche mode