PETER WARREN

In light of the events of January 7th, 2012, Delta Airlines and the One World Alliance would like to issue the following reminders to passengers purchasing a one-day pass to the Delta Lounge.

Please refrain from disturbing your fellow travelers. Statements such as  “THESE COOKIES ARE FREE?!” need not be loudly exclaimed.

The Lounge is for travelers seeking a refined, relaxed travel experience. Delta Employees will not inform you as to whether or not there’s a “sexy vibe up there.”

Changing the channel on the lounge television is strictly prohibited, especially if you are tuning it to a rerun of The Vampire Diaries and especially when that TV is the Departures screen.

Newspapers and magazines are available for a nominal fee. Please do not ask other lounge-occupants whether they have any good “toilet reading” and if they would mind watching your bags.

The complimentary cheese is to be enjoyed in the lounge, and not packed into a laptop case for later consumption.

Do not address the room by loudly exclaiming “THIS CHEESE IS FREE TOO?!”


Other Important Advisories:

Waitstaff are forbidden from pretending that the Delta Lounge is an Interstellar Cafe on the Starship Adventure, nor will they refer to your credit card as a “Galacticard.”

The Delta Lounge does not accept the Discover No-Risk Student Advantage Galacticard.

Delta Employees will not “wake you up” in time for your flight in case you accidentally “snooze it up near the free cheese.”


We thank you for choosing Delta and hope to see you soon.*

*Unless you have received a Denial of Service letter from our legal department.

31st Birthday (2012), Visit By Pet Sloth—Hysterical Crying 

Christmas (2009), Vitamix Blender—Loss of bowel control, temporary blindness

Valentine’s Day (2004), $15 Spa Gift Certificate—Rage blackout, sudden baldness, crime spree, tongue tattoo

Martin Luther King Day (2012), Egg McMuffin in Bed—Uncontrollable time travel, X-Ray vision, recognition of Past Lives, Spontaneous Combustion 

This morning’s highly-informative Google Voice transcription of a recent Matt Paley Voicemail (TM) inspired me to look up the last one.

In this one, a message about how busy I’ve been while writing is miraculously transformed into a surreal, Murakamian meditation on technology and communication. Highlights include my replacement by a little man behind the screens, children replaced by remarks, and the curious invitation to “strap me,” said the machine.

Enjoy. Rain foreign accent.

While Google Voice’s transcriptions of everyone’s voicemails are generally funny, Google Voice Voicemail Transcription and Matt Paley are a match made in Heaven. The combination of fast talking and two-minute-minimum message time make my dear friend Matt’s voicemails ripe for the Google Voice misunderstanding. 

In this week’s edition, Google Voice turns a simple message about a YouTube video into the crazed rant of a stalker ex-wife with the gall to bring up what happened in that Alabama restaurant.

Rafi sent this to me and I can’t stop watching it. Aside from being completely spectacular, it reminds me of hanging out in Rafi’s basement after school and watching surf/ski movies.

Anna pointed out that this commercial keeps being on TV and is just the WEIRDEST.

Hopefully their sweaters are more comfortable than watching them gently sway in them for 30 seconds.

PERSON 1: LET’S DO THIS ACTIVITY.

commercial

PERSON 3: PERSON 2 HAS DISPLEASED ME WITH THEIR BEHAVIOR DURING ACTIVITY. 

INSTIGATOR: YOU SHOULD PUNISH THEM.

PERSON 2: PERSON 3 HAS PUNISHED ME, THUS I AM ANGERED.

commercial

PERSONS 2 AND 3: WE HAVE BOTH BEHAVED AGGRESSIVELY, WHICH WE SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH PERSONS.

bump out

My good friend Oliver directed this lovely video that you should watch.

Added bonus: curious what I would look like as a socially-inept professor of Ethnosexual Studies c. 1985? Press play and find out.

My parents’ dog knows how to demonstrate complex emotions. 

honora:

I feel the same way

If I have any say in the matter, this gentleman will be at my birthday party.

srslytheblog:

He will be mine. 

Scoot scoot, motherfucker. 

I kind of wish the choreography was as awesome as the art direction, but still. 

Oh. Oh my.

It’s like Bernie Mac and Sisqo had a baby and he is ROCKING THIS CUL-DE-SAC, YOU GUYS.

And just when it couldn’t get any better, Flynt Flossy shows up to prove that, yes, you can use a Wooly Willy to lay out practical facial hair designs for everyday rapping.

Thanks to Rafi for this one.

Did you know that 50 Cent is a member of boxer* Floyd Mayweather’s entourage? Did you also know that he really likes (what appears to be Chef Boyardee) ravioli and a very specific brand of cracker? If the sight of a successful rapper following someone else around isn’t awkward enough, check out this deeply weird excerpt from the first episode of HBO’s 24/7: Mayweather vs. Ortiz, in which Floyd discusses loyalty as 50 eats soup.

It’s like video art. This should be in the MOMA on loop.

*In the traditional Middle English sense, meaning “lightweight douchebag with daddy-issues.”

Very honored to have been included on this list. A billion thanks to my lovely nominator and to the Colony readers who reacted so favorably to The House of Horrors!

Silver-lining: I am now accepting Halloween plans. 

Not all homeboys can be above-average. I intend on attaching a video intro like this to every script I send out.

Am I late on this?

While millions of avid hip-hop listeners have been eagerly awaiting Jay-Z and Kanye West’s long-anticipated collaborative album, Watch the Throne, there are some who have been far more excited for Ghostface Killah’s inevitably incomprehensible review of it, rendered in his unique voice: James Lipton and Flava Flav’s homophobic lovechild.

On Tuesday, Tone The God graced us all with his thoughts about Ye and Jay’s recent release. He did not disappoint. Below, the best of Ghost’s latest.

Best Self-Introduction:
”Ayo whattup its ya boy P-Tone aka Titanium Beard Brother #1 namsayin.”

 
Best Vaguely Homophobic, Vaguely Adorable Description of a Weak Beat:
” This shit sounds like the anthem the fairies in Ferngully would use to go to war against evil humans to or some shit b. This shit is like Shia LeBeouf in song form yo. Lissenin to this shit is like havin ya ears penetrated by a million microscopic dicks namsayin. Shit sounds like niggas doin aerobics on a magical cloud of daisies. ”

 
Best Coining of a New Phrase:
”I swear I can hear Gudda Gudda gettin his mediocre on in the background.”

 
Best Evisceration of Swizz Beatz:
“Ayo Snoop Budden…nobody gon need to hear you gettin ya “One hand in the air if you dont really care” on durin the hooks to no joints ever ever ever again son. Jus go back to contaminatin whats left of Alicia Keys n stop cashin in those favors niggas owe you to get on these high profile joints you malnourished ass lookin muthafucka. Son been urinatin wackness on these songs for years now b….”

 
Best Overtly Homophobic Description of a Weak Beat:
“Lionel Richie called from 1986 n said he wants his song back yo. Word. Sade jus holla’d on twitter to say this shit is soft as fuck namsayin. I think Elton John wants to conceive babies to this joint b. Drake said he gon soak in his lotion pool to this shit rite here for like a week son. I think Wiz Khagina is scissorin wit Amber Rose to this shit rite now as we speak yo. I heard this shit gon be used for the next Gwyneth Paltrow movie too…This shit sounds like two niggas hang glidin over the ocean together at sunset holdin hands son. I think this is bout to be on Yung Berg’s yoga playlist. I cant fuck wit this shit at all b. This shit is like audio lesbian comin out my speakers son.”

 
Best One-Line Review of a Track:
”This joint is still ass. Id rather listen to a whole Tyga mixtape son.”

 
Best Utter-Nonsense Rating System:
”I give this shit a solid 4 Zeus slaps namsayin. “

Read the full review.