Paul Roth

This isn’t some philosophical post with lots of meaning behind it. It’s literally a dream I was having before I just woke up and I wanted to capture it before it faded away.

In the dream, I was in my local grocery store and I was at one of those scanner stations where you can pick up a handheld device to scan in groceries on your own as you walk around. There were these little kids running around me, boys and girls, and I thought they looked Korean, but I wasn’t paying close attention.

One little girl came up to me on my right and pulled on my arm to get my attention and then pointed at a smaller girl to my left who was tussling with a boy of her same height. The smaller girl looked like she was crying or just had cried or was about to cry and she had a red indentation in the top left part of her lip. Is that a cleft lip? It looked like a disfiguration, but it looked like it had been there for a long time.

The girl pulling on my arm said, “She thinks she looks pretty! Isn’t that stupid? She doesn’t look pretty at all!”

And then the girl with the notable lip did cry and ran between me and the scanners stall and past the girl on my arm and off to somewhere I lost track.

Then the girl on my right arm was somehow on my left; I don’t know, it was a dream. She smiled and tried to shake my hand as if we had accomplished something great by making the smaller child cry.

I said, “No!” and maybe I seemed scary then, because the elbow puller looked frightened and tried to run away from me. But she ended up against the wall, next to those red metal candy and toy vending machines. I stalked after her but stayed just a little more than arms’ length away when she was wedged in place.

I glanced around and the crying little girl was now in a small group of children of various sizes watching me confront the elbow-pulling girl. They all looked similarly Korean and it occurred to me that perhaps this was just one big family.

The crying girl had stopped sobbing and was now smiling and said in my direction, “Thank you!”

But I guess I wasn’t done. I turned to little miss elbow and said, “She is pretty. More importantly, she should think of herself as pretty.”

The scared little girl looked a little less scared and made a sad face instead. She cried out, “I’m sorry, Hannah-Louisa!”

And then I smiled, moved closer to the little bully, and asked, “Is that your sister?”

She nodded.

Then I extended my hand for the handshake she’d wanted before and said, “My name is Paul.”

She took my hand and shook it with that grave attitude children can muster so readily and said, “I’m Melissa.”

After we shook hands, I took a deep breath as I thought for a second and then I said this:

“Bullies do easy things that make the world worse for other people. Heroes do hard things that make the world better for other people. Somebody will probably bully you in your life, but that doesn’t mean it’s right. But you can choose what you are! Wouldn’t you rather be a hero, Melissa?”

And little Melissa, who’d been so happy to make her sister cry a moment before, looked down at her shoes for a second. She must have taken that second to set a look of pride and determination in her tiny little face as she raised it back up to look at me and nod. And smile.

And then I woke up and wrote this post. Apparently, I dream in tiny-scale hero movies now. It figures.

Featured image and embedded image from Yale Stewart’s wonderful JL8 webcomic.

These are words about living.

They’re words about how I keep going, why I keep going, and where I want to go. It’s important you know those things from the start, because otherwise you might think this is a sad essay and that’s not my goal.

Not that anything horrible has happened to me. I’m not sick, nor injured, nor homeless, nor jobless. I seem to have all my faculties and, aside from some that have diminished due to the passage of time, all my abilities. Plus a great dog! I’ve a very fortunate life and I already fear I’m whining here, considering all that I have. Really, I’ve only lost one thing and it’s not even a measurable thing at that. The only thing I’m missing is hope.

I’ve been alone most of my life. My earliest memory is of being about eight years old and alone in the dark outdoors of a snowy suburban Christmas Eve. I had parents and a sister, but none of them were around and, for all I know, they had no idea where I was. The details of that story are for another time, but even then I felt loneliness. Yet, I had hope that someday I’d grow up and people would like me and someone special would really like me and then I wouldn’t be alone.

Through grade school and secondary school, I kept thinking that when I grew up I’d finally stop being alone. I started off dumb and a bully, I grew a bit cleverer and into a class clown, and finally I became the inevitable nerd I had to be. And I was always alone. I had some friends here and there. I think I made some lasting ones in high-school. But I longed for sex, love, and companionship. I never got it, but I kept hope. A little less, but I held on.

In college, I found a first kiss, but from the same woman who gave me my first humiliating rejection. And that hope I had–well, it kept slipping through my grasp. But we must be born with tons of the stuff, because it wasn’t gone yet.

After university, I found the rest of my firsts, but more rejections. And work. And more rejections. And then dancing! And so, so, so many more rejections. And then… I found love. And I was happy!

But that loving relationship wasn’t forever and it ended. And then I found another! And after that ended, another. And then one more. And then no more.

Each time I’d found love, I think I became a better person. I had new experiences, I grew more mature and capable, and I learned about all sort of things. I learned about how to be a better boyfriend. And a better date, too. But each time I lost a relationship, I lost some hope along with it.

And I got old. Too old.

Which brings us to last year. I covered myself in the last of the hope I had remaining (like it was armor), and I tried harder than ever to connect with women. I tried all winter, spring, and summer. By the end of summer, in frustration and desperation, I tried hitting on women in a variety of ways. Not every woman, but women I got to know a bit first, women I found interesting and enjoyable company, in addition to being pretty. I tried flirting and romance, I tried casual approaches, I tried direct sexual invitation, and I failed a lot. And I hurt at least one person along the way.

Eventually, I took stock and realized I didn’t have any hope left. I don’t deserve any sympathy, because there’s nothing noble about my inability to find someone to date. I’m a jackass who’s only attracted to gorgeous, intelligent, feminist, geeky women. Poor me <- sarcasm. I’ve even tried pursuing women just because I knew they were wonderful people, though I felt little attraction to them, and that just hurt everyone’s feelings and made me hate myself.

So, sometime last fall, I gave up. I decided my time for love, sex, and happiness was over. I’ve loved and lost and I’ve been luckier than most. But at that point, I realized that pursuing the women I find attractive now just annoys them (or worse) and that none of those women will ever be attracted to me. I decided never to pursue a woman again. (I still flirt sometimes, and I foolishly admitted a crush just recently that was not reciprocated, but I’m really trying to keep my desires to myself and not hurt anyone else with them.)

And suddenly, I had no idea why I should go on. Now, I’m not going to end my life–I think that’s a Bad Thing and hurts people around the one who does it. But I stopped watching what I ate, I stopped cleaning my home, I stopped socializing, I stopped doing things. Because I realized that just about everything I used to do in my adult life was motivated by the goal of getting together with a woman.

I became useless. Unproductive. Everything I did was just going through the motions. To paraphrase Joss Whedon, I touched the fire and it would just freeze me. What the hell is the point of life, I wondered, if I’m not trying to get together with a woman in some way?

Then December came and I feared that I would let down my friends at Christmas. So I tried extra hard to make the holiday bright for the people who had been good to me. I even showed Christmas movies at a bar! And as I tried so hard to help other people feel happy, I felt… Well, not happy. I stayed miserable and lonely, but I felt some meaning return to my life. If I couldn’t find happiness, at least I could help others feel it!

The year changed, and I kept on trying to help others. And it’s good! It’s not the same as being happy myself; it’s as similar as a photograph is to its subject. Sometimes it hurts more than doing nothing, actually. Every time I can make a positive impact on someone’s life, I get to feel simultaneously accomplished and tortured, being so close to happiness without having my own. And if I’m helping a woman I find attractive? It’s like stabbing myself in the face. But, you know, in an uplifting way!

Also, I’m no endless font of energy. I’m one of those introverts who recharges from being alone, and helping other people usually means I have to be around other people. It is exhausting. I have to run away and recover pretty often to keep going.

But I do keep going. I choose to, every day, and it’s an absurdly tiny accomplishment, but it’s mine. I overcome the laughable adversity of having a great life wherein the only downside is loneliness, by trying to help people around me to be a little bit happier. I’ve often wished I could play Santa Claus all year long and this is kind of like that. I want to be that.

Today, if it’s a a bad day, I’ll hide at home and recharge. If it’s a good day, I’ll try to help people. I keep an eye out for opportunities that won’t hurt me too much, and I’m slowly increasing my tolerance for interacting with other people so I can do more. At the end of the day, I’ll go to bed. And tomorrow, I’ll wake up and do it again.

On purpose.

At my Christmas Movies party tonight, my friend Katie M said, “You love Christmas!”

My tired, off-the-cuff reply probably sounded like gibberish. So I thought I’d try again with the (type)written word, since that’s the medium in which I’m most comfortable.

I like Christmas an awful lot, but I don’t love it. There are some aspects to the holiday that are my favorite things in the world, but they’d be my favorites even if I quietly sat through December and just enjoyed them by myself. I used to.

I would watch movies and eat foods and laugh and cry by myself for the season. This was way back in my early college days. And I keep telling everybody that I’m an introvert, so why don’t I do still that? Well, back then in college, when I came to a certain realization, is when Santa Paul was born.

It’s to do with my friends.

You’ve probably seen an inspirational message that pops up every once in a while, often after a horrible tragedy, about how if you love somebody you should tell them. You shouldn’t put it off, but do it right away! I believe in that. And I don’t believe in conformity to traditional gender ideas that say guys shouldn’t be sensitive nor share their feelings nor any similar old-fashioned notion.

And if you’ve interacted with me for any duration, you might think I’m very emotional, to the point of being sappy! But I don’t actually share my feelings all the time. I don’t do it because I fear making other people uncomfortable. Perhaps even to the point that they wouldn’t want to interact with me anymore. See, if I shared what I felt when I felt it, I’d pretty much be telling people that I love them all day, every day.

At the very least it could cut into productivity. At the worst, it could leave me alone in a widening circle of fleeing acquaintances. Or with restraining orders.

Ah, but back to my point — Christmas seems to give me more leeway to tell everyone I love them and get away with it. And that’s pretty much what I try to do. I do it literally, but I also try to do it with hugs, and by sending cards and presents, and by leaving my Grinchy cave long enough to socialize, and so on. And it’s okay! I’m allowed!

So that’s the real truth behind things like my Christmas Movies party. It’s not that I love Christmas. It’s that I love my friends.

I hate shaming. In every flavor I’ve encountered, it’s a form of psychological torture that makes the shamer feel righteous more than it accomplishes anything useful. It perpetuates based on the premise that if people feel bad about themselves for some THING, then they will change that THING to escape that bad feeling. Yet, every single human being I’ve ever met can provide anecdotal evidence that this premise is flawed.

It might sometimes work, but it often doesn’t, and occasionally results in even more extreme instances of that THING. What it almost always causes is an attempt to hide the THING.

I don’t think keeping quiet about your masturbatory practices is a big deal. But what if the action being shamed is something you can’t control, like being queer? Well, look around and see.

What if it’s something potentially dangerous, like having violent tendencies? If a kid is shamed for something like skinning a cat or whatever, he doesn’t stop having those urges, he just hides his actions from view. Thus someone who might benefit from medical help hides that need and the problems can escalate. Perhaps to the point of shooting up a school.

Even if it’s something that’s oppositional to a socially liberal idea like equality for women, shaming the negative actions aren’t helpful. If a politician were publicly shamed for, say, opposing equal pay for women — that’s actually hard to pull off in a society that isn’t mostly feminist yet, but I digress — he might publicly apologize. But I can’t help think the shaming wouldn’t change their mind or attitude in the slightest; they’d just move the opposition to secret dealings and confusing wording in proposed legislation.

My hypothesis is that visible evidence of psychological drives + public shaming of those drives = hiding evidence of those same thoughts, feelings, and actions. If somebody with credentials in psychology or psychiatry (perhaps with a research concentration) would care to support or debunk my opinion, I’d welcome it.

But if shaming doesn’t make the world a better place, what does? I think that people are driven to say, feel, or do things because they experience some psychological reward. They feel pleasure or justification or illicit thrill or contentment or righteousness or some other positive tingle in their heads for their behavior that measures greater on an internal merit scale than the shaming does. Not in all cases, of course. Perhaps for some people, you can shame away biting fingernails or picking noses. (I still suspect it would continue, just in private, but maybe.)

Then to counter some THING that you think is wrong, you have to convince the perpetrator that a mutually exclusive NOT-THING will result in greater psychological reward.

Despite some qualms I have about the “It Gets Better” campaign, I think it’s beneficial for that approach. Rather than making kids (queer ones in particular) feel bad about wimping out or crumbling to peer pressure or suicidal thoughts or any other sentiment that can be phrased as, “You shouldn’t blah blah blah,” the campaign says, “Here’s why you should survive.”

I vividly recall the sensation of being made to feel bad about myself because I already felt bad about myself. “You don’t have confidence? What’s wrong with you?” “Yeah, yeah, you’re fat. It doesn’t help to whine about it!” “You hate being single? Maybe if you quit crying about it, you wouldn’t be!” Those aren’t exact quotes, but they are pretty much how I remember what I’ve heard.

On the other hand, when I’ve been told, “You should try this; it’s great!” or “When I changed to this, I felt so much better!” or “God, you’re so sexy, Paul!” I felt much better about myself and was able to make positive changes towards being a person I want to be, enjoying the experiences I wanted to have. Okay, that last quote is made up, but I assume it would probably work.

To sum up: If you feel some person is doing wrong in this world and you actually want to make things better, try showing them an alternative that both makes the world better and rewards them personally for doing so.

Bribery’s such a crass word; let’s call it positive motivation!

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans,” said John Lennon in his song Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy). Of course, the month that I decide to write a blog post every day would turn out to be the month I experience the most disasters at my home. It would be the month when a derecho storm system knocks out my power for a week, and then a subsequent severe storm causes my apartment to be flooded, which in turn requires me to pack up all my stuff so that the carpeting and subflooring can be replaced.

I got distracted.

Since I kept working my day job, I just didn’t have additional energy to write blog posts as well. I seem to need a bit of calm to be able to do something productive, be that earning a paycheck or joining some words. If my income came from words, would I have kept writing through the tumult? I think so! I certainly wanted to!

That’s why my July-Post-A-Day suddenly came to a halt. Perhaps you saw that my last post was To Court, To Date, To Makeout, about my approach to dating. Coincidentally, in July and then August, I went from my usual dating frequency of 1 date every few months to a possibly unprecedented rate of three dates every couple weeks. So even when disasters stopped intruding on my life, I still ended up distracted!

Not that I’m complaining. There were some good dates; I tweeted about at least one of them!

Date I planned tonight: pick her up at 8:30, coffee/chat at Sova, Love Show Burlesque at Red Palace, Pie at Dangerously Delicious.

— Paul Roth (@paulidin) August 18, 2012

There were some highlights and lowlights, many rejections, and ultimately an end to the dates. I’m a little burnt out, frankly.

There’ve also been the RNC and DNC, I gave some dating, relationship, and general advice to different friends, a tree crushed my car, they finally announced the iPhone 5, and Glee started a new season. I know, I know, it sounds like I’ve glossed over something horrible–but I stopped watching Glee, so it’s okay. Because of all of the stuff that I’ve experienced over the summer, my introvert spirit is worn out. Early this week, I decided I was going to go into hermit-mode for a while.

But the @GammaGirlsDC had their One Year Anniversary party on Wednesday. They publish the Doing The District blog and have always been very kind and supportive of me. I HAD to go to their party. It was fun! Their SWAG bags were impressive and I wasn’t even their target demographic.

For that matter, I’m not really the right audience for their blog since it’s often about places to drink (I don’t), shopping for women’s clothes (I don’t), or other topics that aren’t in my wheelhouse (I like the word wheelhouse). But they also review restaurants and give tips on where to go in pursuit of various goals and I often dig those posts. If you’re in the DC area, give their blog a look!

Speaking of Doing the District, one of its founders told me that some advice I gave her was good enough to warrant my doing an advice column for women. That’s pretty ambitious and I don’t know if I could advise random readers as well as I do my friends, but at least I know I’m not judgmental about lifestyles and questionable choices. That’s gotta be at least 50% of the prerequisite for answering requests for help, right?

I’ll ease into it here. If you have any question (big or small) that you’d like me to answer sincerely and you’d be willing to let me publish online, submit it on my Contact Page. I’ll post it anonymously, of course!

Anyway, no more socializing for this anti-social moth. Oh, except I plan to go to SPX on Saturday, if I can screw my courage to the sticking place. Dammit. Okay, after THAT, no more socializing. I need to recharge. And if I don’t go out so often, maybe I’ll post more on my blog!

In the last month, I’ve heard a few women talk about how they aren’t going out on dates any more. One friend wasn’t sure what she wanted from her social life but wished someone would court her. Another just said she hadn’t been asked out in so long, she felt like people didn’t do that anymore. A third said it had been ages since a guy told her unabashedly, “I want to take you out.”

I’ve heard many more similar sentiments, but these three in particular are beautiful, clever, funny women. They don’t all live in DC, either, but do live on the US East Coast. (Does that matter?) Why aren’t these great women being asked out on dates?

This mystery spurred me on to write out this enormous post full of my thoughts on dating. If you’d like to skip all the wordiness and jump to the bullet points, you can just click here. Else, please continue…

I figure there are few possibilities: One, maybe straight guys are getting lazy. They’re taking advantage of the drunken hookup to get their physical needs met or just using pornography to relieve their frustrations by themselves or just find the idea of going on dates too daunting. They’re guys who don’t want to put effort into dating so they don’t. Flirting’s easy, dating requires at least a little work.

Two, maybe straight men are intimidated by the prospect of dating these women. Especially if the guys don’t have any ideas about what to do on dates or how to ask for them. It’s possible that a guy would just avoid doing something than appear to suck at it, right?

Three, maybe women are letting men get away with it. I’ve been told that, in the DC area, it’s a guy’s market since there are so many more single ladies than fellas around here. Instead of scoffing at “hanging out”, perhaps women are going along with non-dating encounters just so they can have some companionship. It’s the customer’s-always-right attitude of getting business for yourself instead of letting it go to a competitor, but with romance.

Are there other possible reasons? Tell me what you think. I’ve thought about this since a couple of years ago, when I started following @Apocalypstik after her “Does anybody date anymore?” post went viral. Her viewpoint is funny and interesting there, but didn’t offer much besides protest.

I want to say, before going any further, that I think women need to let go of pointless old traditions and start asking guys out more. Some women do this, but it’s still rare, even among my fairly modern-minded friends. I’m going to do a separate blog post just about it.

And as an aside, I participate in swing dancing, which is a transient activity full of nomadic members. Someone might come into DC to be here for a weekend, a month, a summer. They meet local dancers, hang out with us, and then go on their way. DC attracts temporary residents in general, really. Folks are here for a few years for a variety of reasons and then they leave. Perhaps that’s a part of it, too. Do people think that dating is only to be done as the first step on a path to multi-year or life-long relationships? If there’s an expiration date on someone’s residency, does it stop them from going on dates?

That’s some weak excuse there, if that’s the case. Like I said in my earlier post, Avoiding Beginning For Fear of Ending is stupid. You could get hit by a truck tomorrow or it could run down that person you’re crushing on. This is true for everyone, everywhere, all the time! (Although “truck” might be replaceable with “murder”, “revolution”, “deployment”, etc. depending on the circumstance.) So, if you’re attracted to someone, do something about it right now.

As to what you should do? I try to avoid telling people that there’s a good or right way to do things (outside of, you know, don’t commit atrocities). As long as you don’t hurt yourself or others, do and be what you want. Have non-dates, hook up on couches, never kiss sober, and plan no further ahead than a few minutes if you want… But that’s not what I do.

Disclaimer: I don’t know if anyone would consider me “successful” at dating. It’s just what I do. That’s not to say I dislike one-night-stands or casual hook-ups — both are great. But as a non-drinker who hates crowds, I don’t think I’m very good at making either of those scenarios happen. For that matter, while I try very hard to stick to these steps, sometimes I skip something in the heat of the moment. For the most part, though, here’s my approach.

Deciding
If I can look a woman in the face, then I can figure out pretty readily whether I want to ask her out on a date. I can tell whether or not I find her positive, clever, funny, vivacious, and attractive. To those women, I’ll say, “I like you! May I take you out on a date?” No weasel words, no real likelihood of misunderstanding, just an outright request for a date.

But if a woman piques my interest and I’ve either never met her in person or it’s been a long while, I’ll just ask to get together and avoid use of the word “date”. This would apply to women on dating sites, on twitter, bloggers, etc. Why? Because words are important.

Not every woman thinks this way, but labeling a get-together as a date tends to attach connotations to the occasion: whoever calls it a date is attracted to the other, they have hopes for some sort of affectionate interaction ranging from a kiss to a sexual encounter, dates are often pursued in a series, and so on. I’ve found that healthy relationships also generally arise from dates rather than out of casual encounters.

If I ask a woman on a date, I’m implying that I’m interested in some of those possibilities from giving her a kiss to becoming her boyfriend. It doesn’t mean that any of those things will happen; it just means my interest is somewhere in there. If I ask a woman to join me out without the label? It could mean I’m trying to figure out whether I want to ask her on a date. That’s not to say every instance when I spend time with a woman is some sort of date-evaluation; I’ve interviewed women, caught up with old friends, provided and been provided with some friend-therapy– all of those occasions really weren’t pre-dates. I’m just saying it’s a possibility.

Once on a pre-date, if I find I want to kick it up to a date, I’ll ask if we can do that explicitly. Because I don’t think it’s fair to trick a woman into it. She should feel free to say she just thinks of us as friends / doesn’t feel that way towards me. Or if I get to the end of the not-a-date and I find I’m interested in more, then I’ll ask for a date to happen next. Again — this gives the woman opportunity to say she’s not interested.

And nobody’s entitled to anybody else’s interest. But let’s say I find someone who does turn out to be interested. Then comes…

Date Preparation
First date, third date, fifteenth date, or dating anniversary, I try to come up with an actual plan. Not just a goal, but an idea of how to go from meeting my date to a thing, and then maybe to other things, and then an idea of how the night will end.

A couple important guidelines that I keep in mind: 1) the THINGS aren’t as important as enjoying my date’s company and that she enjoys mine. 2) be adaptable enough that if the THINGS aren’t going well or she wants to do something else or an unforeseen obstacle prevents us from doing them, we can deviate without it being a big deal.

A simple example of flexibility is that I once came up with first date plans to go to a park containing a lake and walk around the water chatting before going to a Thai place for dinner. My date countered with the suggestion that we go to a section of the Potomac River to explore instead, and then go to that restaurant. Obviously, this is minor, but it shows what I mean. (It was a good date!)

In narrowing my ideas for a date, I try to think of activities that I think we’d both enjoy, with an inconvenience factor that’s proportional to her interest in me, ideally that she doesn’t do all the time, and some fallback options. The fallback options and the rest are probably self-explanatory. The proportional inconvenience might need elaboration.

What I mean is the more she’s invested in going on a date with me, the easier it’ll be for her to enjoy something that takes a lot of effort from her or pushes her out of her comfort zone. The less certain she is, the harder it’ll be for her to enjoy a complicated date. On first dates, I aim for stuff that’s near where she lives and requires no more preparation than she’d normally need to go out with with friends. Later dates can take longer to get to and might require special clothes or other preparation without annoying her.

Going to a restaurant near her home: easy first date. Going tubing in another state: maybe a fourth or fifth date. Going away for a weekend: maybe when she’s considering accepting the girlfriend label. This isn’t a hard and fast rule and some women are quicker to invest their interest than others, but it’s something I keep in mind.

I usually start by asking her when she’s free for a date. Some advisors say that you should ask if the woman wants to do a particular thing on a particular day and time and then let her turn you down if she can’t make it so you can offer something else. I wonder if those advice-givers only know women with uneventful lives? Most of the women I try to date have full lives and full schedules, so I generally ask for a free timeframe and then come up with a plan to fit there. But you can go either way.

The Date
Notes to self (and other daters): Be awesome. Be funny. Gauge her reactions to physical contact and provide whatever she seems to find acceptable or desirable. If the date’s enjoyable, ask for another one before this one’s done. Whenever the physical logistics allow and you want to do it, move in for a kiss. If she turns away or backs off, just smile and don’t push it. If at first, you don’t succeed, STOP. Don’t be an ass about it. There’s tradition enough that you can try one more time at the very end of the date, but to repeat: if she’s not into it, back off.

But if she is into it, be there in that kiss. Everything else is nice, but the kiss is about the truest audition you’ll get. Don’t freak out about it, don’t worry about it, don’t rush it, don’t try to go for something more than that, just kiss. Kiss well. Kiss like you mean it. And do mean it.

If she’s hesitant to stop, it’s up to you to decide whether you’d like to ask for more. You could ask to go back to her place or keep kissing wherever you are or whatever else makes sense. If she backs off after the kiss, then you’re done. Hopefully, she’ll go out with you again.

After the Date and Final Thoughts
I can’t believe you read this far. Thank you!

If I had a good date and want another, I’ll make it clear before the good one is over. If I didn’t feel sparks, I’ll just thank my date and move on with my life. The rule of thumb I give myself is: if we didn’t kiss, I don’t need to give an explanation for not asking for another one. If we did kiss or if I said I wanted to go out again, and I change my mind? Then I owe my date at least a simple, “I’m sorry but I don’t think I’m really feeling a spark. But thank you for the date!”

If one date leads to another, they should escalate in affection. A hug should lead to a kiss, which should lead to more passionate kissing, which should lead to whatever two consenting and enthusiastic adults feel is appropriate. If there’s no escalation, then I think it does both people a disservice to drag it out for more than a few dates. One of you might be keeping the other from dating someone who will set off those sparks!

To wrap up:
1) It should only take me one pre-date to determine if there’s interest. If I’m not sure, then there’s my answer.
2) If I want a date, I should be an adult and ask for one and plan it out. Even if it’s just a simple plan.
3) If I enjoy the date, I should ask for another before it’s over.
4) Kiss well or go home.
5) Escalate if you’re both interested or disengage.
6) I am never ever entitled to anything. Nobody ever owes me anything.
7) Be awesome.

Whether man or woman, straight or queer, cis or trans, if you’re attracted to someone, I hope my ideas help you act on that attraction. If you like the steps I wrote out in my approach, I hope you hold out for them instead of settling for something you don’t like as much, or enact them yourself. Hell, link a prospective date to this page and maybe it’ll give them some ideas.

But whether you want to ask someone out on a date or you want to get asked out, I hope you don’t settle for less. I hope you get the date you want!

featured image from flickr.

There are still women who eschew the label of feminist. I get it. I was there two years ago in a post I wrote on this very blog. Before reading up on variety of viewpoints, I believed in the mass media perpetrated straw man argument of the man-hating feminist. So I called myself a humanist because I believed in equal rights and treatment for all people.

That’s what feminists want. They don’t hate men. They don’t want special treatment. They’re not going to force you to stop wearing dresses if you have a vagina or start wearing them if you don’t. They are just people who think every human being should be treated like a human being regardless of what reproductive organs may be attached. I told a friend on facebook that feminist is no dirtier a word than virgin, slut, or hello. Tip: none of those are dirty words.

If person A does x quality and y quantity of work for a business and person B does x quality and y quantity of work for the same business, which one should get paid less? If your gut reaction is to say neither, then you’re a feminist. If your gut reaction is to ask if either one menstruates or wears pants more often, then maybe you’re not.

If citizen A researches a legislative proposal x amount and citizen B researches the same legislative proposal x amount, whose opinion is less important? If your first thought is that both are equally important, I’m afraid you’re a feminist. If your first thought is to wonder if the proposal is about birth control or if either citizen wears makeup, then okay, maybe you’re not.

If coffee-drinker A sits in a Starbucks wearing a tight shirt and tight jeans and coffee-drinker B sits in the same Starbucks wearing a tight shirt and tight jeans, which one is asking to be fucked? If you think neither, you’re a feminist. If you think both, you’re an asshole. If you wonder if either one is sitting cross-legged or has cleavage, you’re probably an asshole and not a feminist.

I don’t even think feminism is an inherently liberal position. I know many amazing conservative women who are clever, bold, compassionate, and kick ass. I don’t believe a single one of them would think it’s okay for a guy to do the exact same work they do but get paid more just because of gender. I don’t believe a single one of them think that their opinions matter less than those of the men around them. I don’t believe any of them would feel okay about having no choice in whether or not they get treated like sex objects. They might still vote Republican and Libertarian and Tea Party. But they think their votes matter as much as anyone else’s. These are feminist views.

I personally like women more than men. I’m allowed to have that opinion and that preference. I don’t think women should get special treatment; I do think women usually get crappier treatment than men.

I don’t think women are just breasts holding up vaginas to be ogled or molested by anyone who feels like it. I do think both men and women treat women poorly, on average.

I want it to stop. I’m not a virgin and I don’t think I’m a slut. But, hello, I am a feminist. You might be, too.

[TRIGGER WARNING: rape] Court jesters were often the only members of a royal court who could verbally attack the wearers of the crown and live to see another dawn. They told daring and suggestive jokes, often layering innuendo and sycophancy over barbed clever insults. They were the obscene comedians of their day, speaking pointed truths to personified power.

Or so they’re portrayed in literature and plays. The reality might not have been so noble, but let’s stick with that story. It feels truthier!

In a similar vein to political artists and the fourth estate, humorists still hold a position of exception. At least in the United States, they do. Stand-up routines and lampooning essays can make you laugh at the expense of presidents, powerful businessmen and companies, religious institutions, celebrities, or any other bearer of some form of power without resulting in the silencing of the originating comedian.

That exercise of our freedom of speech is astounding. There are places in the world today where if you even implied that a person in power might be in the wrong, you would breathe your last breath. And I applaud the exercise and I laugh at many and I love comedy. The best examples shake up my perspectives, make me learn new viewpoints, and leave me better than I was before.

Then there are people who attack victims from behind the invisible shield of, “It was just a joke!” Those are the jackasses.

There is no intrinsic virtue to telling jokes. Joke-telling is a skill and a power and can be used well or abused. Just like a sex act can be great and positive or it can be a horrific violation. It’s a commonly stated mantra of comedy that no subject should be off-limits for jokes. That’s a conceited statement from a place of privilege.

A jackass like Daniel Tosh will take the lazy route of tossing out offensive and outrageous comments under the guise of humor. When he does, he relies upon shock to startle audiences into laughter arising from the daring of talking about sensitive subjects like rape as if it’s not a big deal. But it is a big deal.

I’ll concentrate on rape instead of other subjects (like violence against women, child abuse, etc) since rape was the topic of the recent controversy. The woman who protested against Tosh’s routine said that “rape jokes are never funny”. I would say that jokes that belittle rape victims or dismiss the severity of such vicious crimes are never funny. I’d say it’s possible that jokes which target rapists could be funny.

Here, I made these comments on my friend Lexa‘s facebook post about this topic:

If Tosh had made the joke, “You’re a rapist, aren’t you? You hate me making fun of your favorite pastime??” how would I feel? I’d feel that’s an appropriate way to deal with a heckler. Point out that the heckler is pushing into the power position by interrupting your work.

Instead, he pushed her into the victim position. No, it is never ever funny to attack victims. It’s just not. If you’re the victim, you can make fun of yourself, your situation, your attacker, the system, whatever you like because there’s no position of less power than where you are and you should be allowed to reclaim some. But when you’re standing in a safe position of privilege and then you attack someone for telling you that you’re abusing your position? Then you’re an asshole like Tosh.

You wouldn’t say it’s okay for a boxer to punch an audience member who showed up to see a fight in the ring. You wouldn’t say it’s okay for a doctor to operate on someone who doesn’t need it. It’s similarly not okay for comedians to fling their arsenal at someone who’s not attacking you but instead protesting your material.

I know some women who vehemently side with the tellers of rape jokes. They try to apply anecdotal proof that it’s okay because they, themselves, have been victims of rape and so if they’re okay with it, so should everyone else be okay with it. I don’t know how everybody works, but that sounds to me like a tactic to avoid feeling bad about a memory over which you have no control. You just deny that it’s that bad. And if that’s how those people need to think in order to heal, I can’t say anything against them. But there are hundreds of thousands of rape victims who are hurt by the act of belittling their traumas. Just because you don’t mind poking at your injury doesn’t mean it’s okay to poke at the injuries of others.

What do other comedians think? Well, some are on my side, like DC local Natalie Shure.

https://twitter.com/natalieshure/status/222871117902258176

But many other comedians have defended Tosh! Even those like Patton Oswalt and Louis CK who have significant numbers of feminist fans! How could that be? I think there are two reasons. First, perhaps the comics just heard an erroneous description of the scenario like “blogging heckler complains about Daniel Tosh’s offensive joke” and that sounds like a situation where if you were in his same profession, you’d side with Tosh automatically — especially if you didn’t know that Tosh consciously aimed a rape threat at a woman outside of his routine. Second, perhaps those comedians just always chime in on the side of “any joke is allowed” on some misguided principle. The third option, that some of my favorite comics might condone Tosh’s behavior, is just too awful to consider. I hope they change their minds, regardless.

And finally, what about the layperson who makes offensive jokes unapologetically, also holding up the “any topic is okay to joke about” defense to head off criticisms? Well, again, I’d point towards the rule of thumb of: only attack those in positions of strength. Only make fun of oppressors, assailants, and rapists — not their victims. Because you never know who’s been a victim and there are more of them than you realize.

But there’s also the guideline of: listen to people. If you tell a joke about an offensive subject and a person who hears it tells you that it upsets them, LET IT GO. Why the hell would you keep trying to injure someone who’s told you that you’re hurting them? Is some theoretical right to tell a joke more important than the wellbeing of someone right in front of you? Your answer better be no.

Otherwise you’re a jackass.

p.s. Alyssa Rosenberg is so much smarter and better of a writer than I am. She wrote about the Daniel Tosh incident, too.

I hate directives to conform to traditional rules. I tend to hate traditions, in general. You know what I’ve learned from history? The further back in time you look, the worse human beings have treated each other. We’ve used rules that may have started for some practical reasons and continued trying to enforce them long after they make any sense so that “we” can feel superior to “them”.

Fuck That Shit.

It’s not any one person’s fault. People tend to believe what they’ve been told and cultures hate change. The fact that traditions are still mostly revered instead of dismissed as anachronistic proves that point. So if you think, “people should behave like THIS,” you probably didn’t come up with that idea. It’s probably the same thing that millions of other people think.

That doesn’t make it true. That doesn’t make it right. That just makes it typical. I’m not typical. I feel like I’m in the minority because whenever I spot a “x should be y” statement, I try to figure out if that’s really how I feel or just what’s been impressed upon me. If you challenge the “should” statements that cross your path, then we’re probably kindred spirits. If you never question those statements, you’re probably in the majority.

For example, the light-hearted blog Boobs Bacon Bourbon posted a “10 Commandments of Manhood” article. It spawned a “10 Commandments of Womanhood” response from Miss DC 2009. I disagree with most of both, starting with their titles. A commandment is a divine rule. Neither of those lists are from a god, no matter what god you may worship (if any). And neither article’s author has the authority to dictate what rules should determine or guide “manhood” or “womanhood”.

If the posts were phrased as, “Here are things I like to see in men/women,” then they wouldn’t bother me as much. People can have whatever opinions they like. You might suggest that’s what the authors meant and I’m interpreting the words too literally. If you did, I’d have to reply that you don’t understand how people think. Everyone interprets words literally and then if they can determine the presence of humor, hyperbole, sarcasm, or irony, will impose more layers of meaning on those words. But the literal meanings don’t go away.

This is how cult leaders, hypnotists, advertisers, and therapists can influence how minds work. Words are the spells we cast to create thoughts and feelings and everything else about human beings stems from those.

Beyond the titles, the articles suggest arbitrary (though perhaps traditional) rules that you must follow to be a real man or a real woman. No, that’s not explicitly stated in either, but I think the implicit meaning is undeniable. Both those premises are false. You know what makes a person a “real man”? He identifies as a man. Full stop. You know what it takes for a human being to be a “real woman”? She identifies that way. That’s it!

What the BBB article is really telling readers is, “Here are things that the author wants you to believe you’d have to do in order for him, and possibly his readers, to think of you as having manhood.” Miss DC’s rebuttal is really saying, “Here are things that I think are ladylike. These opinions are probably shared in the social circles where I feel comfortable.” It’s just their opinions and there are probably tons of fantastic men and women who don’t fit their rules.

If you identify as a man and you don’t do any of the things listed in the BBB article, I hope you don’t feel any less of a man because you shouldn’t. No more than if someone in the street screamed at you that you’re not a real man. Or someone in Congress. Likewise, if you identify as a woman and don’t do a single thing Miss DC listed, I hope you don’t feel like your womanhood is lessened, because it’s not. Man, Woman, whatever you truly think you are, you are as legitimately your own identity as anyone could be. And more so than people who lie to themselves.

That’s my take on their two posts and I could end here. But I hear a theoretical commenter asking, “Well, what would YOU have said?” I’d have said:

10 Suggestions for How To Be A Decent Person

1) Take responsibility for yourself. Unless you’re a child, you’re not entitled to be cared for. You might be lucky enough to have someone in your life who does take care of you, but that’s just a fortunate circumstance. And it might change tomorrow. Be able to stay healthy and feed yourself.

2) Be hygienic. Odors, skin problems, illnesses, and the like can just be visible evidence of a lack of staying clean of body and action. Deodorant’s great, soap is great, cologne and perfume are optional. Clean teeth, clean hair, and clean skin are really the most important parts to being physically attractive as well, I think.

3) Be decisive. This is similar to some points both the other articles raise. A confident person can accomplish more because of directness and purpose. Taking a lot of time to make a decision won’t necessarily make your decision any better. Make a choice, move forward. If it’s the wrong choice, you’ll learn that and might have time to choose again. Don’t fear mistakes, get better because of them.

4) Be honest or be quiet. You like someone and it won’t hurt them to know it? Tell them. Have a problem with something a person says or does? Tell them. Want something in life? Say so. Have an opinion about something that would cause nothing positive to happen if you shared it? Keep it to yourself. There’s nothing more powerful than the truth and lies make the world harder for everyone. But an honest opinion is still not a fact, and if it could hurt someone, why are you cluttering the conversation with it?

5) Don’t worry about appearances. If you want to look nice and you make yourself up in a way that you think looks nice, then good for you! If someone asks you for your opinions on superficial things, by all means share them. But if you think someone else looks unappealing in some way and they haven’t asked you for any guidance, then don’t worry about it. How does it hurt you if someone wears shoes you don’t like or a tie you think is ugly or pants that you think are too tight or boots you think are seasonally inappropriate? It doesn’t. And physical features? Shut up. Something you think is ugly is probably beautiful to someone else.

6) Never stop learning. Change your mind. I do agree with the BBB point that you should read books. And you can learn how to cook and tie ties and throw dinner parties and maintain your car if you like. But you can also learn how to play unusual musical instruments, what small cliques of people believe, and how to play cricket. Learn anything! Learn everything! And if you hold some fervent opinion about a topic, learn about the opposing viewpoints and see if you can change your mind. Changing your mind when you learn more is not fickle or wishy-washy; it’s the whole freaking point of learning. Exercise your brain!

7) Don’t be a lady, don’t be manly, be yourself. If you’re a guy who likes wearing pink and watching ballet and hates sports, own that. If you’re a woman who likes boxing and fixing motorcycles and having sex in seedy bathrooms, love all that about yourself. And if you do fit some traditional roles but you’re happy about it, keep being happy about it. But don’t try to force yourself to be something or pretend to be something that you’re not because someone tells you that’ll enable you to fit into a label. Fight the labels, be yourself, let others be themselves, and I believe we’ll make the world a better place.

8) Have opinions and realize they’re opinions. I have no problems with BBB or Miss DC having their opinions. I don’t mind if everyone who reads this post opines that I’m completely wrong. I believe in freedom and that people can think whatever they like. But it’s even more important that people realize that something that can be measured repeatedly to produce the same results is a true fact. If you can’t measure it repeatedly, it can’t be a fact. If you don’t get the same results each time, it can’t be true. Opinions, facts, and truth are not interchangeable. It’ll make your life better to possess plenty of all three and know which are which.

9) Share when you can. When we’re weak or tired or sick, we should take care of ourselves. But when we’re strong, able, healthy, and wealthy in any way, I believe we can make our communities better by sharing what we can. Don’t force taxes to be necessary where your own charity can suffice. Share your strength, your knowledge, your time, your presence, your money, your art, whatever you think you can contribute that will make things better. Don’t forsake making your livelihood, though! I’m talking about extra, when you can. It will come back around to help you, too.

10) Be kind. I hate false niceness. Making shallow gestures so as not to upset anyone is not good or kind, it’s just nice and it’s crap. But if you see someone angry or sad or struggling in some way… Help them if you feel like it. A word can make a difference. So can a hand. So can patience. At the very least, don’t add to their burdens. You carry your own. You should know better.

This post got way long and it’s tl;dr and then some, but I kept going. Just remember that most of this stuff is made up of my opinions and all I’ve offered is suggestions. I hope they help.