Me? Go on a date with Emma Stone? Let’s be honest: there’s no FREAKING way that would ever happen! “Why?” Uhhhh, let’s see…
1. She’s the STAR of The Amazing Spider-Man! Come on! That’s a totally different job than I have. We’d have practically NOTHING to talk about.
2. Not to mention, she’s a HOLLYWOOD SUPERSTAR. Hollywood? That’s on the other side of the FLIPPING country. I don’t think a long-distance relationship would work.
3. She’s romantically involved with Andrew Garfield, and if I beat him up it’d probably be “a thing.” You guys know what I’m talking about.
4. She’s one of Esquire magazine’s “Sexiest Women Alive.” And who am I? Some chump who JUST ran out of cologne. Did somebody say “bad timing?!”
5. She is objectively, vastly more attractive, wealthy and successful than my friends and it’d totally make things awkward at our wedding.