Posts

May 21, 11:56 AM

I remember how i would carry the biggest smile after i came back from where we were.


But why does it makes me cry now just by thinking about it?
I guess it's because i can't afford/deserve to have it or it was just never meant to?

it has been 1 year and the memories seems to grow stronger than ever.

"They say how memories, even your precious ones, fade. But to me, the memory I value most, I don't see them ever fading."



 u know that feeling of pain coming from deep within and you just can't get rid of it cause it hurt so much and when you cry, every tear drop represents that feeling?

yeah, i'm in pain.

Occasionally, i wish i could talk to you just like how we used to back then.
even if it was just a short talk on how's our day makes a difference. i've missed those moments where we would just walk in the dark and talk every week without fail.

i wish drawing back memories would turn into reality. i'd draw that moment forever...

i miss you.
happy 1 year? :'(

May 13, 01:02 PM

it burns it burns it burns.

never would i thought i could love anyone this much ever again..

u're the only one who could make me feel like, not all guys are the same.

i miss you.. :'(

May 08, 08:06 AM


I guess since young, all the mens in the world has never failed to disappoint me in a way..

and i meant, ALL.

Maybe i was made to go through hard with guys, i don't know...

but thank God, whenever i tell myself ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME..

i think of you and my opinion starts to change. 

not all guys are the same.

at least thats what i think now.

and i hope you're not the same just like any other guy.

and i hope my future husband (if i do ever get one), to be the odd one.


 
April 26, 10:56 AM




hee i love the polaroid app on my computer :)
u too can download by googling polaroid 9.6 ;)

Anyways, a few things to update !

I'm going for my college CF camp tmr :)
Fired up to experience more of Jesus (:

Super blessed and happy because this is by far my very first camp that my mom actually agreed on it :)

and the fact that is in port dickson is even (:


okays. next.

can't believe may is like next week already.
this year is just crazy.

times just keeps flying by but yet nothing remarkable is happening in between.
which is just entirely sad to think about it.


Its almost been 1 year since i've realized ....

yeah. 1 year. i wonder am i gonna continue 5 years down the road like how i did before?
what drives me to continue, i'm not sure..
But i believe God has His purpose for everything..
i might be waiting for something that its just gonna teach me a lesson..
or i might be waiting for the right one.. i'm not sure.. but nothing is gonna stop me from praying.


---------------------------------------------

it breaks my heart talking to my dad this evening.
As broken as i feel, i couldn't help it but cry...
He might not be a good husband at all, but to me, he is a good father.

just by thinking about it now can make me cry... :'/
oh this feeling...


-------------------------------------------

college life is getting into me.
So often i lose myself but i thank God for bringing me back up again.
I couldn't have done this alone.

English is a really tough subject.
never really expect myself to face this problem..

exams are coming so soon... *gulp*

-------------------------------------------

April 20, 12:54 PM


I've learn this today:
You'll never know how deep a person personality could be till you truly know them personally.


so on the outside, we may dislike someone.
we might be judge or we might judge others.

just because of the outer appearance or it could be because of that ONE person's action..

But yeah i was wrong.

a few days ago, i tweeted about a lecturer how evil he is :P
as funny as this sounds, 
i actually found his blog?

he is more than just a lecturer.. xD

and this just made me feel like wow. 
just seeing on the surface could make me feel so horrible. hhahaha

yes he could be mean only for the better.
how is that possible right. but there is. 

so if you're reading this, let us not judge others just by what we see on the outside?
i know how it feels to be judge.

Living in this college life of mine is not as fun as i thought it would be.

i've a friend who judge me without knowing me.
maybe not A friend but more just that i don't know?

but its good to get to know some one.

It makes u feel like, life there's more than just on the surface of what we see.





blessed are those who love without caring how you look like.
April 12, 03:45 PM
there is hope.



Some call it obsessive.
but i guess that obsessiveness is dying down.
Now i just want things to be okay. i just want him to enjoy even if its without me?

I used to not mean it when i say i hope that person actually enjoy his life without me.
I never understood the reason why i would want them to be happy if its not with me kinda thing?
i don't know what i'm crapping but yeah.

I just honestly deep down from the bottom of my heart want him to be happy.
I guess some things are just not meant to be?

its almost been a year now.. clinging on to the love i once thought it was real.
But i guess its just a phase?
no it doesn't mean i'm fully letting it go.. but i guess i just want it to flow.

For i believe God has set me for the right one in the future.
maybe i just haven't met him yet?


-------------------------------------------------

i honestly am sick and tired of being taken for granted?

i might forgive and forgive and forgive even if you're constantly being a jerk.

U might even know it and admit it several times while apologizing.

but sorry, i don't accept any of it if you apologize and u do it.. AGAIN and AGAIN.

its not to say that i expect u to treat me like a princess or what.

maybe u just don't get the definition of true friend?

or i just don't deserve it from u i guess? i don't know.

but i don't think i care anymore?

this time round, it just got even more serious.




forgive me Father in this..  
for i try to accept guys for who they are..
but in return, i'm being treated like a trash 
who mean nothing.
 ------------------------------------------------



i wish i could share a part of me with someone earthly that i can trust.


i wish there was a guy.. who would change my perspective of what men truly are.. :'/

April 09, 08:11 AM


Stare. Stare. Stare.

Insult/tease.

Want to join.

Return money.

calculative.

question pops asking which one?

so don't have to pay more.

kidding ALL the way. FOREVER. -.-"


yeah. don't think anyone would get this post.


oh WELLS.

this picture is just plain cute.
but sometimes i feel like hoping too much is just expecting too much in life as well.

 and when it doesn't turn out the way we want it to be, everything just seem to die down..




So here is a decision i made today.
 I quit Dance club today..


Just before i came to college, my hopes and dreams were like so BIG!
i wanted to be active in so many things.

but then i just couldn't cope up?
things just died down after awhile. its so sad honestly.


for the fact that Talent Night is only once a year?
I really wanted to perform though.
but i guess if i choose to dance, i wouldn't be able to focus much on my studies.
My english grade is just like..meh. :(


so yeah. But i guess God would want me to that too... well somehow i have a feeling la.

FOR WEEKS, i've been trying to decide whether or not to perform. :/
priorities. just gotta set it right.


well, i pray that my decision will bring its benefits.






April 08, 06:07 AM


Had a great time serving the Lord today by doing tambourines.

Blessed be Your name of Father.

but i feel so D: today. seriously. although there are some things that i should be happy about.
but i honestly feel so lost now.


i'm stressed about my work which i don't really know how to do.
i'm stressed and tired.
and i feel like giving up on dance club and not performing for talent night. D: should i?
i feel so stress i don't wanna do it suddenly?
and to be honest, i have been thinking for quite sometimes?
i feel like i'm only doing it just cause of fame but i'm not doing it exactly because God wants me to do it?
weird. i feel like i just wanna do for the sake of doing it cause yeah :(

Help me O' Father to decide? :'(


nonetheless, i had a wonderful time today. Thank You Father for the hope in life that You have given to us.


and i did something today i never thought i would? :S what am i turning into? love drives u crazy, seriously. *slapself*


April 05, 01:09 PM


I feel utterly horrible because this evening, some thing just knocked me down and i started blaming God so much. i started complaining and complaining my heart out.

But after going for a church friend production at city harvest... it reminded me of all the little things that God has done for me...
but i chose to let 1 small thing affect my relationship with Him.


honestly, so very often i tend to look at how i wish this wouldn't happen. how i wish that wouldn't happen. so very often i question my self... what is God's purpose in putting me in this situation!?
why does he let all this things happen?

i feel foolish and childish.
i'm 19 but i've been acting like a 12 year old who doesn't know how to think.
sigh.
i hate making mistakes.
but yet i feel like i constantly make mistakes in life and fail God over and over again...

but the msg just now totally refreshed my mind again and i thank God for that. i really do. Praise be to God!

today's Good Friday.
so let us all take this time to reflect on the meaning of Good Friday.

Blessed be your name O' Father in Heaven.

 ------------------------------------------------
You are for me - Gateway Worship

So faithful, so constant and so true
So powerful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient, so gracious, so merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

Lord, I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me

Lord, I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are
To remind me

I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are
April 04, 08:57 AM



Nobody knows that I am a secret spy
I follow you home, careful to walk behind you
I climb up your tree and hide in the leaves
To keep you from seeing who I am

Call me obsessed
But I need to know your name
Your age, your address
And where in the world you came from

It's silly to think that I'm on the brink
Of falling right off my rocker

Oh, I want to know
All about your mom and your favorite song
And why you hypnotize me
Well, I tell you what
I'm the definition of obsessive-compulsive crazy love

Late after dark, your light is on upstairs
And I watch you dance as if you were Fred Astaire
A little finesse, a sparkly dress
And I could be Ginger Rogers

Oh, I want to know
All the books you read and your favorite sweets
And why you hypnotize me
Well, I tell you what
I'm the definition of obsessive-compulsive crazy

La, la, la I'm like a firefly
La, la, la in the evening sky
I'm all aglow whenever I see you walking by

Oh, I want to know
If you ever plan to hold my hand
And why you hypnotize me
Well, I tell you what
I'm the definition

Oh, I want to know
If you ever plan to hold my hand
And why you hypnotize me
Well, I tell you what
I'm the definition of obsessive-compulsive crazy love


Crazy Love by Mindy Gledhill (:
This song is stuck in my head!

 anyways...
 


WHY IS IT SO EASY TO LOSE YOURSELF IN COLLEGE LIFE, HONESTLY!? :(

Everything is changing. friends. perspective. life.

boohoo :(

i guess i'm just not the type that can adapt to the change easily. nuuuuuu

 and i think i was a little bit dumb yesterday. whyyy on earth do i do stupid things when i don't intend on doing it. :(


and i seriously lack of expressing my feelings !
its time to show michele!

and to you, please don't annoy me... i can only stand this much.



April 03, 11:57 AM



So this week is probably the most happening week so far in my 2012.
busy busy busy BUT by God's grace, i know i'll pull it through.

We finally talked after for quite sometime?
but we didn't had much chance to talk properly because someone cut in but... yeah..
i guess its enough for now...


i don't know why, but every time i talk to you, you just give me that weird strong feeling.
but i somehow love that feeling. its such a weird feeling but it feels nice. never in my life have i ever felt that but yeah. weird.


i miss u. :(
 

April 01, 08:07 AM


Okay i honestly am so tempted to tweeet! I think the whole fasting from twitter is a really good idea wei.

I'm so tempted to tweet just about anything and trying to refrain myself from it, is good. (Y) :) HAHA

anyways, i cannot wait for this weekend i don't know why. :)
(OH WAIT, I LOVE WEEKENDS) :P


this week is just TRUCKLOADS OF WORK AND EXAMS. :S

i'm currently brain-storming on "A family supper" short story for english handout tmr. gah.
and because i can't tweet, i'm like blogging... :X

whooooops. heh.


what i really feel like doing is just sitting down and relax in the presence of the Lord.
Next week i shall change things up a bit.

NOTE TO SELF : FINISH ALL MY WORK BEFORE SUNDAY, so at least on Sunday, i can fully spend time with God (: (reading and etc)

YES!




April 01, 06:21 AM


Hello April (:

Well it's gonna be a pretty busy month but i'm looking forward to focus on it (:

1) Good Friday
2) Easter!
3) Several exams D: okay maybe not this one.
4) CF Camp! :)
5) Sis, Chong and Dad's bday! but unfortunately during my dad's bday, i'll be in CF camp. :(

So i really really wanna take this time to pour out some stuff. haha (don't i always do that?) but yeah, more serious stuff and commitment to God of course (:


I admit, for the past 3 months, i've been losing myself. and i've been losing myself real hard.
I was like a floating soul... with no directions. 

I was finding my way to search myself?
or you can say that i was trying so so so hard to be happy.
I remembered that there was this once that i cried so hard and yet i feel like God was just so far away from me. no, i was far away from Him.

I have been running away from all things. 
My friends and my relationship with God. I've turned into the girl who prefers to stay in my room and not get out.

I finally know what the busy life could do to you. But i guess i should have done it the correct way. We all somehow will fall and feel far from God, but its how u get back up and want to be close to Him over and OVER again that matters, right? :)

So pastor preached today about giving the Glory all to God!

What he preached today is definitely something we as humans forgets.

Giving Him the Glory of ALL.
and when we do something, we do it with all our hearts. And finish it!


I remember how i used to be SO passionate about God last year and i just wanna constantly be so close to Him. In everything I do, i'll look to God and just seek Him.

But it died down this year and i feel utterly horrible and sad, honestly.

I feel like i was so disappointed with myself but i'm not doing anything about it, which made me felt worst... :'/

Why is it so hard to praise God when the hard times come?

i remember the friday that just passed, i was so sad cause i don't think i did really well in my exam.
But i forgot to Thank God despite whatever happened that day. In fact, i was a little bit frustrated?

 :'( oh Michele Michele. :'(


But seriously, if you're relationship with Father in Heaven is far, don't forget to come back.
Don't ever let it die and forget about it.. 

Never Ever.


On the other note, I'm pretty bummed..
i wish things were better between him and i?
But i'm never gonna stop praying about it.
i'm not desperate nor do i wanna be in relationship right now...
i just wanna share my passion for God with the guy that has the same passion for God as i am.
I honestly do. 

And i'll continue to pray...



Oh and i'm fasting from twitter!
I forgot to fast from something before Easter so here i am fasting for 5 days from twitter cause i find it really hard not to tweet. gosh.. can u see how obsessed i am to twitter? :S and maybe this is good. I get to take my tweet time to pray instead of tweeting it out. :)

Anyways, have a good day and Good night ! God bless you and your family whoever you may be (:

Praise be to God :)
Hallelujah!
Good Friday is in 5 days.
lets take this week to remember what Jesus did for us on the cross. :')

Blessed are those who believe without seeing :)


March 29, 08:50 AM



Maybe it's wrong to say please love me too
'Cause I know you'll never do
Somebody else is waitin' there inside for you
Maybe it's wrong to love you more each day.....


March 29, 08:39 AM


OSSLT exam tmr.
sitting here nervously don't really know what to do but to surrender...

This walk O' Lord... i find it very hard. :'/

One moment we're close, one moment we're strangers.
why doesn't this happen to friendships?

and i became so dull today i sorta released out to a friend of mine cause she was literally annoying me...
I know i shouldn't..
i feel so sorry now. :'(


sigh. i feel like i'm losing control sometimes....

Teach me O' Lord.. to be faithful.
teach me to walk with You and not care about the humanly feelings that would affect my walk with You, O' Father.

Teach me..









March 28, 11:15 AM

It's funny how i'm finally seeing everything so clearly this year..

and it hurts.

1) It hurts to see how girls can be so weak in wanting to have someone beside them just so they don't spend their lives alone.. yet i'm afraid that i might fall into the category..

I have a sister who thinks she might end up alone so she's dating a guy... which i'm not sure its out of love or not...

I have a cousin who convert into a christian just because the girl friend is a pastor's daughter..
i don't know to be worried or not...


It hurts so much to hear about these things. I honestly feel sad..
and i don't know why.

I just don't understand how this world work sometimes.
and i could do is just pray... :'/
i honestly feel so sad i wish i could help my own sister...

it burns... it really does...

---------------------------------------------------

I sometimes feel like i'm trying too much in being something that i know i'm not.
When i'm quiet... i don't feel like myself.
when i'm too noisy... i feel uneasy..

I honestly don't know why its hard to be the michele i used to be....
i honestly don't know why......

 --------------------------------------------------

 






March 27, 09:11 AM



Funny how i'm like starting to love tomatoes more than usual.
at the most random time, i'll feel like eating this tomatoes. <3


------------------------------------


March is ending soon.
having a big exam this friday. The osslt english paper from Canada.

College has really sucked all my fun in life and i honestly dislike college life.
i don't feel fun nor do i feel happy going to college.
i'm going for the sake of 'because i need to study'


Dance performance is on the 17th/18th of April.
honestly, i am nervous like crazy.
why?
Cause we haven't even finish the routine and we only have 2 more dance practices and we're gonna perform.
i haven't even conquered the dance and i'm finding it very hard to focus on remembering those steps.
Jazz. i kinda dislike the move i don't know why.

-----------------------------------

My life feels so dry and i'm constantly feeling tired.
I spent most of my days now emo-ing in the room or busy finishing up an assignment.
Is my year just gonna pass like that?

i honestly feel sad.
I wanna appreciate things like how i used to.
i wanna love like how i used to.

but why is it so hard to express my feelings nowadays?
i feel so hard to show a part of me.
no i'm not scared to show but i find it hard and i DON'T KNOW WHY..


i miss how things used to be...
i miss 2011 like crazy. :'(


-------------------------------
imissyou.



March 25, 08:57 AM


Hello world. :)

Honestly i haven't been having a good year although its just march.
But yeah, I still gotta take this time to Thank God so much for everything.
If he didn't give me the strength i needed, i wouldn't go this far.

haha don't think you'll get it but yeah He knows :)

Praise God!


anyways, went cheng beng with my family today.
I drove my 2 sisters, dad and cousin all the way to semenyih nirvana (:
Praise God for a safe journey.

his voice makes me melt.
so gentle it makes me feel weak.
not in a bad way but it makes me just wanna stop everything i'm doing and just listen.

Honestly i really wanna know whats God's plan for me...
am i holding on to something that its worth it?
and i can't help it...


:'/
April 01, 06:26 AM


so yeah, i think i've grew out of the whole being crazy of you already.

I'm done. :)

Its like i'm being hit on the face yesterday and now
i'm just like WAKE UP MAN. 

because of this whole down time,
i turned to some person who just throw away all my passion down the drain.

What i used to like doesn't seem interesting to me anymore.

Tired of feeling that way u know..


I've set my purpose in life and that's it.
i'm just gonna do the best i can.


ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME to me now.

and someday, i know someday,
there's a guy out there who would loves God sincerely,
and treats me right.

yes before this he might be the only guy i see that 
can only sit on that category. 
but i guess things change now.

i know i'll find a better one out there someday..


 Those memories?
*throws out to the bin*


sometimes i wish i could just erase how things were before this.
At least i don't have that memories in me anymore..

but its okay. :)




April 01, 06:27 AM


sometimes i just wish everything i hold wouldn't slip away?


it's not fair
it's not fair.
its NEVER FAIR.


all i wanted was to be treated right.


was that too much to ask for?  :'(


 i'm literally dying inside... 
why.....

i feel like i can't hold on any longer to this...
crazy. weirdo. :'/





April 01, 06:31 AM




So since my 2012 hasn't been really nice to me..

i really do wish for 1 thing.

TO DO SOMETHING REALLY CRAZY THIS YEAR.

WHETHER ITS GOING ON A PLANE BY MY SELF
OR SKYDIVING, I WOULD TRY.

WHETHER ITS PERFORMING IN FRONT ON THE ROAD ON PUBLIC
OR JUMP IN A MUD POOL, I'D DO IT.

WHETHER ITS GOING TO SOME ISLAND
OR GOING AROUND GIVING FREE HUGS, I'M UP FOR IT.

WHETHER ITS GOING TO A DANGEROUS PLACE
OR THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACE IN THE WORLD, I WILL DO IT!


so yeah, everything is driving me insane.

college life.
trying to be smart enough to make my parents proud.
 trying to be nice to every single soul i see even if i don't get the same treatment.
trying not to care even if it hurts so much that i'm some crap to you.
trying to please everyone.
trying to be strong even if i'm not.
trying to be smile even if i'm not.
trying to laugh off the pain.
trying to keep everything inside as much as i can.
trying to pretend as if i don't know anything even if i do.
trying not to burst even if i cannot tahan you.
TRYING THIS AND THAT.

YES, i'm done with it. 
and maybe even after saying this, i know
things wont change. i'll still gotta go back to the same life 
and do the same thing. put on a mask even if it stinks so bad.

but i guess i just needed to rant it out somewhere.
but i gotta start to do things differently i guess.
Who am i pleasing, not others but for the Lord.

so i guess if i see this way, it makes me feel better.


We ALL put on a mask everyday in our daily lives. 
but at the end of the day, the person we are in our own rooms
is who we really are.




March 05, 01:03 PM


Felt like it was raining on cheekland the few days back.
wasn't holding on trust nor hope or faith.
Little passion died slowly.
losing the greatest thing that yet to be learned.
Finding reasons to happiness yet it didn't worked out.

At the age of this, it is called lust.
but its not cause when the eyes saw how you bow before Him
when no one else was looking and you said a little prayer in your heart, 
everything felt warm and sincere.

But when reality snaps back in, it slipped away.
now its all about looking back and knowing that feeling was never coming back.
who was i fooling?

myself.



March 01, 10:48 AM


the one thing that i hope for...
turns into dust. :(


March 01, 08:58 AM



One of my NS friend masuk hospital :'(

We're gonna visit her tmr.

i wanna see them so badly but so sad it has to be this way :/

But really, i miss them so much i am looking forward to see them!


and i pray and hope that my friend is okay :'/
March 01, 08:35 AM


Life has been not a very good one actually.

I hated my February as well.
it didn't turned out to be exactly what i thought it would be.

but college life is getting better. (:
apart from that, i wouldn't wanna go back to February ever again.


So i got my rm200 book voucher from sunway
and i bought 4 books!


I haven't read finish yet but its good (:
reason why i bought this book is because
most of the time i stumble when someone ask me questions that i can't seem to know the answer.

So i'm hoping that this book would help me gain more knowledge 
in Christ (:
and applying those in my life of course ;)


Bought this story book for my English class.
i need to finish this and write a report about it. boohooooooo!
its like i have to annotate every single thing and can't just enjoy the book. :(
but yeah, i picked this cause its a love story. hahaha

my teacher gave us a few choices though but nahh..
this looks pretty awesome :P



and then i bought this book.
2 for m49.90
Its a christian book by Gary Chapman (:

so i was searching high and low for 5 languages of love by Gary Chapman but
its always out of stock.
Even in kinokuniya and mph.

I still got my rm50 with me tho. (: planning to buy that book
cause my NS friend said its a nice book to read so, haha MUST :)


-------------------------------------------


I probably had so many horrible days and
sometimes i just fall so easily.


One biggest mistake i made being a christian was trying
to run away from God.

i run because i feel like i don't deserve His love.
I run because things aren't going well no matter how hard I pray.
I run because i feel like He's so far away..


but all in all, i was wrong of course.
whether i deserve His love or not, He died on the cross for me already and thats the fact.
Things aren't going well maybe cause He has a reason for it.
He wasn't the one running and therefore, i was the one who chose to be far away from Him..

But i'm back on my knees.


and I thank God for His love never fails.

----------------------------------------


and i have this part of me whether u wanna call it sensitive or not,
but when u know things are not the same or
things seems a bit weird,
u just know that u're not wanted.


And very often, i wanna treat ppl the way they treat others,
but then again, what difference would i be compared to them?

And the only thing i could do is probably cry -.-"
which i really HATE IT.

and just pray and hope that things would change as time flies..


its March already.
time flies too fast even if i'm not having fun..

and they say 2012 is a hard year.
not that i'm constantly thinking that omgosh its a hard year. no.
but really, it is so hard.

the ones that i used to be super close with as friends became a stranger to me
suddenly. not literally but how i feel.
not 1 but 2.


oh wells. i just hope things get better.. :/


May March be a better month.

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