Matt Dawg8
Posts
When I think back to any of the women that have mattered a lot to me, they each have their own little playlist. My preferences to the songs without any emotional attachment notwithstanding, here is a list of songs grouped arbitrarily (or are they? DUN DUN DUUUUH. Also, sidenote, someone is going to tell someone else about this, and some bitch is gonna get mad and ONE if not TWO of them will send me passive aggressive Facebook messages and threaten to post a dick pic I sent or something. I’ve never taken one, and it’s average but wide and not that it matters at this range, but I’m a fucking surgeon with this shotgun.)
Baby, come back. Just for the sample.
Follow that up with Best Coast –Boyfriend, for the tragic romanticist in me.
That’s all I’ve got for now, and I have absolutely missed some. Mostly unintentionally. Forgive me shortcomings, but none of you are banging me anymore anyway. #SWAGGACATS
Fuck. I’m getting cold feet about posting this. Coin toss. Heads, I post. Tails, I save and post later.
Flipped it, knew I wanted heads. Didn’t look til now.
Heads.
Had to be heads.
I’m gonna eat a popsicle!
-MattDawg8
This first one is basically a complete post, but I didn't post it for some reason. Meh.
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I just wish people in general were less retarded.
I get that that is kind of a recurring theme on this blog, but I feel like it needs to be restated, and then further explained.
In this case, by 'retarded', I don't mean I-can-count-to-potato retarded. Those people are fine to go about their days drooling and dreaming of kittens and accidentally killing people in barns and such. Doesn't really affect me.
I mean that pretty fucking much everyone I meet or have to deal with every fucking day feels so goddamn entitled. Nothing is ever anyone's fault. That came out weird, but I'm not sure how else to type it. No one seems to ever want to take the blame for anything, and it's fucking ridiculous. People fuck up. That's fine. That's normal. In fact, making the occasional error is a good thing. Not really. Perfection is better, but unattainable. I'm getting off topic.
Basically, if shit is your fault, that's cool. Just don't redirect blame to anyone else. Own up to your shit. Don't immediately look for a way to make it not your fault. Grow a pair, acknowledge your error, and be willing to try not to make the same mistake again later.
On a similar note, sometimes no one is to blame. Sometimes shit just happens. In that case, do not look to make it someone's fault, just figure out what the fuck happened and fix it. I don't mean "Oh no, the vibrations from outside caused our 35,000 piece domino set up to topple too early." This applies to more than just real events.
Oh, you had a party and two random fuckheads broke a bunch of shit? No one invited them. They just showed up and shit got real.
Jimmies Status:
[ ] Unrustled
[X] Rustled
Blame placed on:
[ ] Party host
[X] No one in particular
Sure, you could blame the guy who told a friend, and then that friend told his friend, who brought some of his friends, who ended up fucking your shit up and now you're out $100 (this is a real thing. I want my money. Fuck). In reality, no one actually did anything wrong other than the two drunk idiots, but in the context of, "who in the household is responsible?' Fucking no one. Get over it.
Even if it was someone you knew directly, and they end up shanking some bitch in your bathroom, unless they told you that that was about to go down and you didn't do shit about it, it's not really your problem (not a real thing, but damn, that would be some crazy shit).
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Sometimes, there's just nothing to be angry about.
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Today is one of those days when I don't have anything to actually write about, so I'm just going to start writing, and post whatever end up here.
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Who the fuck are these people who mix up 'itch' and 'scratch'? THEY'RE GODDAMN OPPOSITES! Quit fucking it up, you all sound like idiots. Reminds me of people who pronounce things incorrectly, even after having been corrected. Ignorance is in, I guess.
Similarly (not really), wtf is with 'photographers' (rich white kids who got a DSLR and think they work for fucking Nat Geo or some shit) posting EVERY goddamn picture they take? I'm sure that you are capable of taking a great picture. But all this blurry shit you snapped while you were on a walk doesn't look good, and it impresses no one. Posting 1000 pictures of shit as opposed to posting the 3 actually good pictures you took is not a good way to go about doing it. No one wants to sort through 1003 pictures to find those 3 good ones. Cut it out.
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Thus concludes the (until now) unpublished thought of MattDawg8. IDGAF if you enjoyed them.
One time, I was with a lady, and air came out.
-MattDawg8
So here's the deal: there are 10 partially written posts sitting in my drafts. None of them are that long. I'm going to finish the trains of thought from each of them as best I can, and post the results here. It might suck. Most of these were done while not even remotely sober. Let's dive in:
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One thing I really dislike are people who are your friends, but only on a condition.
I don't mean the kind of friends who would stop talking to you if you went broke or converted to Wicca or some shit. Those are just assholes.
I mean people like your friend's significant others, or your significant other's friends.
(Sidebar: fucking hate the term significant other. Something about it pisses me off. I wish there was a better way to refer to 'person a person is dating who is important'. Alas, the English language has failed me. Perhaps it is me who has failed it...)
For example, if one of my buddies is dating some girl and we end up being friends, then they break up, as a strict follower of Bro Code, I can't hang out with her anymore. Actually, Bro Code would only come into play if I wanted to fuck her. Whatever.
My point is, maybe I want to hang out with this chick sometimes, but I don't want my buddy to feel weird about it, so what am I to do?
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I woke up this morning and everything was fucking grey.
Maybe it was just the way the light creeps under the windowshade. Maybe it's the hangover. Either way, I feel like fifty shades of shit (so much so that I'm bandwagoning onto terrible pop culture references).
As I lay there in bed, I felt warm, but if I moved at all, some part of me would get cold and uncomfortable, causing me to move around, causing more discomfort in this oddly lit shithole.
This bed can be seen as an analogy for my meagre existence.
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NOTE: I have literally no recollection of writing this. It's vaguely humorous, but mainly embarrassing. Posting anyway.
I'm not rally sure what to say here. I'm pretty much out of options as far as mediums to express myself go, which is usually how I end up here.
Funny thought or something weird that happened that was ultimately insignificant? Twitter.
Something I think real life friends might find amusing or something actually cool? Facebook.
Bullshit random internet people will upvote for fake internet points? Reddit.
Too many feels? MattBlawg. No link, because odds are good that if you're reading this, you know where to look.
Anyway. My life is in fucking shambles, as far as how I wanted things to be going.
THIS SHIT IS GAY AND I CAN'T WRITE. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AND IN LOVE.
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People who think they're funny, or who really try to force jokes. Or who get uncomfortable and shout out stuff like Poop. WTF.
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I really hate people who think they are funny, but aren't. These people also frequently believe they are smarter than everyone all the time.
This is fucking lame ass shit.
Why the fuck can't I write?
I'm trying, I promise. I'm even doing my best to use proper syntax and shit. It's difficult and involves a lot of backspacing. FUCK.
I hate school. I fucking hate it. Oh my god, I cannot express it in words. I fucking hate it so much. I do not want to read another goddamn sentence about films. Just put me behind a fucking camera, give me a script, and 3 days with Final Cut, and you will have a better short film than half the shit you've seen this year. Promise.
FUCK, I sound pretentious. But seriously, I'm good at this shit! It's just all this reading garbage that gets to me. It's BULLSHIT. Fucking 5000000 pages a night. Fuck you. I don't have time for this shit. Plus, you get all overwhelmed and you just don't know where to start. Fucking dumb.
Also, I miss lots of people. Fuck my life.
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Alright, there's more here than I thought there would be. Continued in number 2.
I'm half fascist
-MattDawg8
I guess I'm mad that I don't have a lot to be mad about.
Legitimate problems I have:
-money is tight, some might like a tiger
-bitches. be. cray.
-'BEETUS
Illegitimate problems:
-children (JUST KITTENS, MOM)
Problems I don't have:
-AIDS
-Genealogy with a +1 bonus to Chromosomes (The 'Potato' Perk)
-dick doing weird shit
-actual, real problems
-actual money problems
-all that third world shit that's scary like landmines and dysentery and Susan Sarandon
-objectively small genitalia (LADIES)
-pancake nips
-University (LOL film degree)
-shit friends
-shit job (LESS MONEY, LESS PROBLEMS)
-obsession with scat porn
-obsession with scat music
-obsession with cat music
-obsession with Kat Williams
-obsession with Billy Dee Williams
-obsession with word association
-shame
-worrying about my future
-lack of hats
-feeling rushed
-believing I am a sophisticated Android sent from the future meant to pose here as an average student until the chosen one is born and I grant him Orion's Crown and peace is brought to the World and everyone prospers
-delusions of grandeur
And that list is endless, but you get it.
Also, I forget why I did this, so I'm just going to post it.
IAINTEVENMAD
-MattDawg8
I think that technology has neutered romanticism.
It used to be a big deal to call a girl for the first time and awkwardly asking her parents if she was home. The thirty seconds of nervous sweating between them saying, "Yes, one minute," in a tone which, somehow, made it clear they were smiling, and her finally answering seemed to last an eternity.
I'm obviously not old as fuck, so that's not something I dealt with a lot. Maybe two or three times before I finally convinced my dad that owning a cell phone was now a key part of having a social life.
Now it has all devolved into one awkward proposal ("HEY GURRRL, CAN I HAVE DEM DIGITZ!??!", or more accurately, "Bitch, what dat numba?") which, if successful, gives you a direct line to that person. It used to be that you were supposed to wait three days before contacting someone (or so 90s sitcoms told me, how the fuck would I know? It's not like I go on a lot of dates. I get drunk and stick it in anything 6 or higher that will let me), but I'm of the opinion that the modern female doesn't have an attention span that long.
Three days? She has since been approached by five other men, either in person or otherwise, all of whom are (in her eyes) better looking and more charming than you were, simply because it happened more recently. You text her three days later, you don't get shit back (about half of the time, anyway).
However, let's consider the situation in which you get a number and somehow perfectly time your first contact so that it wasn't too soon as to be creepy or too late as to be forgotten (I'd say it's an 18 hour window, give or take).
Now you start talking to this chick a little bit, and she gets your full name. Suddenly, she's following you on Twitter. Your heart leaps, even though it's insignificant. You become Facebook friends. The relationship grows, now this kind of contact is just everyday shit.
You actually start dating. You change your relationship statuses to 'In a relationship'. You wait a while, and you eventually add each other's names to those statuses so everyone who looks at your profile, even for a second, can see (and be linked to) who you're dating. You have matching profile pictures. Shit is all coupley and cute. So it goes.
Something happens. Stuff gets bad. You guys fight a lot. It sucks. One of you pulls the trigger, and, in seconds, this big relationship network that used to be so convenient is now this massive burden.
Do you change your profile picture? Do you post about it so your friends know, or is everyone just going to think you're being a dick? Do you delete her as a friend? Do you unfollow (or even more dramatic, block!) her? Do you delete her number?
If you don't do this shit, you're just going to be constantly reminded of what used to be. Whether or not it's a good thing that it's over, it's never fun to have that shit brought up constantly. But there it is, right in your face, all the time.
Then again, if you do it, it's hard to undo it without it reminding them. What if you want to see those holiday pictures she took one more time? She probably wouldn't add you as a friend again if you deleted her. Then again, drunkenly commenting on her photos isn't going to win you any points, either.
Eventually, you do all of this shit. You don't see any of this stuff she's posting. Fine. Things are slightly easier.
Now, what the fuck do you when you see her in person? You aren't even used to human interactions due to the ridiculous, technology-heavy basis of your relationship.
Do you say hi? Do you flip her off? Do you just ignore her, like she's just another stranger you've never had anything to do with?
I guess it doesn't matter, because it's not like she gives a fuck anymore, and it's not like you should, either.
The entire population of Earth that isn't blood related to me, fat, retarded, male, underage, or ugly can suck my fucking dick
-MattDawg8
This post starts out a little lame, but stick with me here.
The idea of immortality is an interesting one to me (largely in contrast to my last post regarding suicide. Maybe it's something to do with the being able to choose your own path or some shit? I don't know).
This idea occurred to me after watching one too many things about vampires. I still hold true to my ever present Fuck Twilight mentality, btw, which is neither here not there, but I felt it was worth mentioning. It seems well established that they can live forever, even without 'feeding' on someone for a long time, but most universes establish that they deteriorate mentally without it.
If we, as humans, found a way to love forever, how would our brains hold up? I seem to think of it in the same way that Inception did, in that your brain will eventually deteriorate into mashed fucking potatoes because shit just gets old.
However, you could argue that immortality means that everything heals up really quickly, Wolverine style. I don't mean that your immortality comes with muttonchops and adamantium claws (but I guess I wouldn't be opposed to it), I just mean that everything that physically goes wrong with you will be repaired almost immediately, including all the wiring in your brain, meaning your mental state would never get any worse.
Did I just refer to brains as 'wiring'? I know they're not fucking TVs or whatever, but it's essentially a ridiculously complex electrical system. #DEALWITHIT #YOLO #SWAG #SWAGGACATS
This brings me to my favorite aspect of the whole subject: if we could live forever with constantly repairing neurological systems, we would eventually become obsolete. It would take hundreds, maybe thousands, of years, but the human race would eventually evolve past where you had been when you decided you wanted to live forever, and you are going to be riding short buses and sweeping shit up during the overnight shift at WalMart. You could read every goddamn book in existence, and Human Beings 2.0 would still be smarter than you (in general).
Just like PC upgrades, you can swap out every component until your processor (your brain) is obsolete. Then you pretty much need to bite the bullet and get yourself a new motherboard (referring to your body, I guess? Not really sure of a direct comparison. That's where all the parts plug in. I guess the case is your body, but that's not what makes shit run... you see what I mean).
Basically, what I'm getting at is that the idea of immortality is more terrifying to me than the idea of mortality. I like knowing that I have a finite amount of time here, and that I won't be a complete fucking moron by the time I'm dead. Seriously, if I start getting remotely senile, just roll me down a really fucking long set of stairs, throw something heavy down after me, and don't feel bad about it. I would rather die that way than live for 2000 years to the point of obsoletion and have to figure out a way to kill yourself.
I guess it's not that different from my last post.
Everyone can suck my dick
-MattDawg8
They talked about it in a movie once. I think it was Stay (Forster, 2005). Some crazy shit about some dude in a coma or some shit. I don't remember, exactly. Not really the point.
The point is, they talk about this great artist who started really young. Making masterpieces when he was 15, 16. Dominating the artistic community, and all these old fucks who had been at it for decades were floored and shoved to the side to make way for the new kid.
Then, on his 21st birthday, he finished a painting, and he hung himself.
How poetic is that?
Not that I am, or have ever been, suicidal, but after seeing that movie, I always considered this as an option. Say I had done something monumental by the time I hit 21. Let's say I had managed to make a Hollywood film, and it was doing really well, and I was lining up my second one.
How fucked would it be to just lay this all out in a note, and then blow my fucking brains out, just because? Just to shake shit up. Just to fuck with people, because I would have the option. Top of my game, and then, click, shit's done. People mourn. People say they'll never forget. People do.
They chock it up to depression or some bullshit, and then I'm just a statistic. Maybe I'll be in some fucking history books. Maybe they'll make a movie about it (in memoriam, of course).
Ultimately, it wouldn't make a difference, in terms of the universe and shit. Just imagine the tidal waves that shit would cause locally, though. It's just a really interesting line of thought, for me, anyway.
I guess we'll never know, what with me being 21 and having accomplished nothing of note. Also, I'm a giant pussy and would never kill myself. Maybe if it was an accident. Like I give a fuck.
They say the funniest people are usually depressed, and I'm a fucking riot.
-MattDawg8
PS. Not going to kill myself. Just going to get some mild alcoholism going. Probably jerk off a lot. Do some drugs. Fuck it. Fuck you.
I'm getting sick of answering stupid fucking questions about diabetes, so here we go. An idiot proof guide to the most frequently asked (fucking retarded) questions I receive regarding diabetes:
(After having done a needle) Does that hurt?
Oh, wow. Really? Wow. I just shoved a half inch long hollow metal tube into my stomach. Yeah, that felt fucking wonderful. Hey, I'm going to punch you in the head. Oh, that didn't feel delightful? Truly, I am shocked.
Seriously, though, it's not like it's excruciatingly painful every single time I do a needle. You get used to it. Does that make it any more fun to do every goddamn day? Not a bit.
Neeeext:
Can you eat sugar?
Well, given that sugar is in pretty fucking much EVERYTHING, yes. Obviously, I should eat less of it than your average overweight human being, but if we're all chillin' and your mom brings out a box of Oreos and a bunch of glasses of milk, don't tell her not to give me any and think you're doing me a favor (happened when I was 12, you know who you are. Generally a decent kid, but I wanted to gut you like a fish after that. GIVE ME THE OREOS THAT ARE RIGHTFULLY MINE, MOTHERFUCKER).
It's actually not just sugar that we have to look out for, it's carbohydrate. Yeah, that is pretty much just sugar, but it's not that only super sugary shit like candy, regular pop, etc, will bring up my blood sugar. Pretty much everything except for non-breaded meat (whoo, steak) and non-sugared beverages will change my blood sugar, causing me to have to do some insulin.
Which brings me to:
How often do you have to do that?
Usually, this is asked after I have just explained to someone that I am doing it because I just ate. One could assume that, given the situation, I would probably have to do it after every time that I eat. 'But, MattDawg8, you didn't do it that one time...' Yeah, well, go fuck yourself.
Sometimes, I get lazy and I prefer the idea of not stopping what I'm doing and having everyone stare at me as I blast some insulin through my skin and the possibility of going into a coma as opposed to doing what I should. DEALWITHIT
The dumbest question I receive with surprising frequency:
Isn't all of this really annoying?
Seriously? Do you go up to the people getting chemo and ask them why they're doing something so unpleasant? (Diabetes =/= cancer in terms of discomfort by a long shot, btw)
It's not a fucking hobby, tards. I do it because I have to. Pretty much all that needs to be said on that one.
Another point, no question: If needles and shit make you uncomfortable, and I bust them out (which is usually in my own house), don't ask me to leave the room. I've already got the disease. Get the fuck out or don't watch. I'm not going anywhere. Fuck, that shit is annoying.
Unemployed and directionless. You?
-MattDawg8
PS. This post sucks and I know it. I was bored. Fuck you.
When the fuck did everyone start thinking that their opinions are facts, and that because my opinion differs from theirs, I'm trying to offend them? It's like no one on this fucking planet knows how to have a conversation about anything other than Jersey Shore or how they got 'totes wasted last night lol, might be preggers, OOPZ!'
For example, if someone asked me, "Who is your favorite director?" and I responded with, "Quentin Tarantino," (this is an actual fact. Re-watched Pulp Fiction tonight, and I have decided that it is, and always will be, my favorite movie because it is the movie that got me into movies). If this person was then to respond with something like, "Pff, what a hack, Coppola is better." Um, fuck you. you are entitled to an opinion, but that does mean that your opinion is law, and all of your opinons are the gold standard on which everyone else's opinions shall be judged (unless the 'you' in this case is actually me because I am better than everyone and, byt this point, everyone is aware of it).
I'm just trying to say something that I have definitely said before: opinions are not facts, and you can't disagree with a fact and say that it is an opinion. You can like whatever fucking directors you choose to. If you were to say that Uwe Boll is, in your opinion, the greatest director of all time, fine. I pray you do not have a job in Hollywood that involves hiring directors for video game IPs, but whatever. That's fine. But if you were to say that, 'Uwe Boll's career is more successful than James Cameron's, in my opinion,' THAT'S NOT EVEN A FUCKING OPINION. You just stated an incorrect fact, and, because you said it was an opinion (it isn't), you are going to get pissed at me for telling you that you are a fucking moron who isn't even suited to work the night cleaning shift at fucking WalMart with the rest of the mongoloids.
I'm just assuming they put all of the people who apply, but who aren't at all presentable, on the night shift because who the fuck is going to see them? Everyone wins. Uggos get to sleep all day, and have minimal interaction with other people, thus saving them the embarrassment and us the eye sore, and they work all night, which just adds to my earlier points. My apologies to any good looking mongoloids. But this is neither here nor there.
Basically, everyone needs to chill the fuck out and not take everything to heart. Sometimes, I'm just looking for some nice, intelligent conversation. Let me tell you, it is a fucking commodity nowadays. I'm actually glad that I'm a film major simply because I watch so many goddamn movies that I will always have something to talk about, no matter how uninteresting you happen to be. As long as you can smile and nod and come home with me at the end of the night (and then show yourself out in the morning without making a big deal out of the whole thing. I offered you some waffles, but damn it, bitch, I don't care if it's fucking noon, I am not getting out of bed to pay for your taxi. Should have thought of that before you decided to be a sl00t and bang the guy with Star Wars knuckle tattoos. Idiot), I guess I can deal with it. But if I don't want to fuck you (odds are good that I don't), please learn some basic conversational skills.
It will make whatever time we have left in this increasingly mundane, moronic world slightly more tolerable. I'm seriously more concerned with the decrease in North American cultural integrity than I am with global warming/possible nuclear winters. What's the point of having a planet covered in people with IQs of 40 who drool everywhere and think that a tub of ice cream is a suitable substitute for a bag lunch? I mean, once in a while, sure, but EVERY DAY?
FYI, I totally made up any and all people referenced thus far. Didn't bang any random bitches recently (haz girlfriend), and don't know any herp derps who chug ice cream like it's fucking water. Just so we're clear.
In other news, I haven't really publicly raged at anyone in quite a while. Seriously, I can't even think of anything worth talking about here. I guess people have been reading this shit and paying attention. GOOD JOB, WORLD! I WANT TO KILL EVERYONE LESS AND LESS EACH DAY NOW! Not that I was planning to. But a man can dream, can't he?
Shit, that's creepy. No murderous tendencies. Promise. Just don't get me drunk and argue that Episode I is the best Star Wars movie because, while that is technically an opinion you would be allowed to have, it is one that I will berate you for until you cry bloody tears and agree that it is the worst of the six movies (yeah, fuck you Clone Wars. I said it, what's up?). 'But, Matt! You just said that everyone is entitled to an opinion!' What's that? I can't hear you over the sound of JAR JAR BINKS AND THE ENTIRE GUNGAN CLAN WHO SHOULD NEVR HAVE EXISTED FUCK YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE GEORGE LUCAS FOR PUTTING THEM IN THE GODDAMN MOVIE YOU COULD HAVE USED THE SAME CHARACTER DESIGN BUT JUST MADE THEM SPEAK ENGLISH LIKE EVERYONE ELSE WHICH REALLY DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE CONSIDERING THAT THEY ARE IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY A LONG, LONG TIME AGO!
Seriously. Fuck everything but pod racing and Qui-Gon Jinn about that movie. But I am totally going to see it in theatres when it comes out this coming Friday. I will hate myself for it, but I'm still going to do it.
Anyway, I think I'm fucking done here. GOODDAYSIRANDORMADAMIHOPEYOUHADAPLEASANTREADBUTIALSODON'TGIVEAFUCKIFYOUDIDN'TSEEYOUNEXTTIME
Buy a 3DS. Get Mario Kart 7. Let's race.
-MattDawg8
PS. My verb tenses are all fucked up in this post, but IDGAF. No one's marking this shit.
I hate how being a gamer has become such a casual thing. It used to actually mean something.
Before, if you told someone you were a gamer, they assumed that you spent all your hard-earned money on the latest and greatest games, consoles, and ridiculously overpriced accessories (which you did), and that you spent more hours in the day gaming than sleeping (also true).
Now, some n00b picks up a copy of the COD 65: Extra Modern Warfare: Limited Collector's Hardened Edition [ONLY AVAILABLE AT GAMESTOP] and they're like, "Yeah, dude. I am totally a gamer."
No.
No, you fucking aren't.
This was a title I proudly held for years! It all started when my parents got my my brother and me (yes, that is grammatically correct. Go fuck yourselves) an N64 for Christmas when I was 5. When my brother was home, he hogged the shit out of Super Mario 64, understandably, but this was back in the glory days of half-days at kindergarten. Even as a child, I was a lazy little bastard, so I went to school in the afternoons. I quickly learned that if I woke up early, I could get momzies to make me some breakfast (fuck yeah, waffles), then I could rock the fuck out to some Mario 64 before I got shipped off to the salt mines for the afternoon. Side note: kindergarten wasn't that bad. Other than that one fucking weird kid names Stephen who always chewed on his shirt sleeve, there really wasn't a whole lot of conflict. Plenty of drawing. Some very poor printing skills that haunt me to this day. NBD.
We eventually learned to share. The introduction of truly awesome multiplayer on Mario Kart 64 was really a turning point for the relationship I share with my brother. There were no longer shouting matches over who got to play what game for however long. We would just play GP after GP until one of us got bored. The one who left first was obviously the loser.
Games just kept getting better and better. My all-time favorite hockey game is still Wayne Gretzky's NHL 99. If the goalie made a great save, the announcer would say, "OH! BRICK WALL!" and the goalie would literally transform into a brick wall. If you rocked someone into the boards, an ambulance drove along the bottom of the screen. This was before the days of shoot outs, and I remember my brother, playing as the Calgary Flames, went to 72 overtimes in game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals against Tampa. Seventy. Fucking. Two. Even at 5 sped up minuted per overtime, that's a fuckload of extra time. He may have cried when he finally won that game. Possibly bandaged up his thumb due to the blister on it.
Speaking of blisters: motherfucking Mario Party. Any of them. Those games were the death of the palms of your hands and those shitty, shitty N64 analog sticks. Good lord. I have minor amounts of scar tissue on my right hand palm from waaaaaay too many rounds of Tug O War. 3 on 1? HOW IS THAT FAIR?!
All of these aside, I would have to say that some of my best memories were spent playing Ocarina of Time until I literally passed out alongside Dovey. Shit was dope. Funny thing: I didn't even own OoT. My brother's friend brought it over and left it at our house for literal years. I think he finally picked it up when he was in highschool. Thanks, bud.
My life went on, as did game consoles. We got Gameboys when I was in grade 3 and spent far too much playing Pokemon. No regrets. I eventually got a PS2 at the age of 12, along with the GTA Double Pack (best parents ever. Seriously). Spent all day Christmas day killing hookers and generally being an asshole. Again, no regrets. Thanks, Baby Jesus.
Then we got to the current generation of consoles and I was at the age where I had to buy shit for myself. So not cool. I really wanted a PS3, but all my friends had 360s and I wanted to be able to play online with people I actually knew, so I broke down and bought an Elite along with Halo 3. That was the only game I owned for probably 3 months, and I am still fucking terrible at it. I do not know why, but I average a 1.0 Kill/Death. It's pretty awful. Still super fun when you're playing big team with 7 other people that you're actually friends with.
I got a better job that summer and proceeded to spend all of my hard earned money on a massive TV (that I still have) and a PS3 that some poor ass guy sold on eBay for way less than it was worth so he could 'pay bills' and 'buy food' (ha! n00000000000b).
I would go to work, possibly pick up yet another new game at a discount, then go home and game until my eyes hurt, rinse, repeat. I think my favorite marathon story is still from Mirror's Edge (I was blogging at this point, here's the link). Bought the game in Winnipeg one weekend. Got home late, couldn't play it. Went to school. Came home and went straight to my room to play this. Didn't stop until I had finished the game. It was 1 AM. My hands were literally stuck in the shape of the controller. I had to push them against my desk and stretch them out before I could use them properly. Shit was awesome. Which reminds me, I want to pick up that game again...
Then came first year university. I was living with Dovey. Every night that I didn't absolutely have to do something school related, and if we weren't drinking, we gamed the fuck out until 3 or 4 AM, sometimes, 7 or 8. Fuck sleep. Shit's weak. SRSLY, no regrets.
I've had less time to game now that I'm trying to not suck at everything else, but I would say, given my lifelong dedication, that I am a gamer.
You idiots who only own modern FPS games? Fuck right off. I'm seriously so sick of telling someone that I am a gamer, having them ask me, "Oh, do you own <insert whatever shitty shooter came out most recently>?", me saying no, and them berating me for calling myself a gamer. Fuck you. When you have logged 80+ hours into Final Fantasy X, XII, Pokemon Red, Blue, Yellow, Golden Sun, Golden Sun: The Lost Age, Super Mario World, Super Smash Bros 64 (the rest of 'em suck), and countless other titles, then you can talk to me.
This isn't to say that people who play FPS games aren't gamers. I play them, occasionally. Usually months after they've been released and I can get them for less money. It's people who play nothing but FPS that make me want to freak out. It's COD vs BF fans that are ruining EVERYTHING. Just go away.
On that note: I am fucking stoked for Skyrim. Sadly, I won't be able to play it until Christmas break, what with school and me having to do it. Fuckin' education is destroying my life.
Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
-MattDawg8
PS. If you only play WoW, you are also not a gamer. You are probably overweight, living in your mom's basement. Just stay there and leave the rest of us alone, plz.
I am so sick and tired of dealing with all of these fucking pseudo-intellectuals who managed to make their way into University. What the fuck? How did you even manage to get here?
I'mma just throw this out there: I am not saying I am the smartest person at the U of C. That is a ridiculous claim. I am just saying that I am probably one of the smartest film students, but I am also one of the least motivated because good grades do not get you anywhere in the film industry. Having friends in the industry and having talent do.
On to the tale of absolute fucking stupidity: I am in a class based on the works of Stanley Kubrick, the director of films such as The Shining, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb (probably my favorite one. This scene? Gold). His name is pronounced COO- brick. COO. COO. CACHOO. Seriously. It's not that hard.
We have had 2 presentations by students in this class so far: the first alternated between calling him 'Cue-brick' and 'Coo-brick', and once dropped a 'Cub-rick'. She even managed to spell his name wrong twice (but correctly once) on the same slide. Nice work. The second called him 'Coo-brick' that whole time. At least she was consistent.
The entire class is based on one person's career. One would think that you would bother to learn the correct pronunciation of his name. This is not one of those 'po-tay-to' 'po-tah-to' deals, either (although, who the fuck says 'po-tah-to'? That's ridiculous). It is a NAME! There is exactly one correct way to say it. Figure that shit out.
Alas, these incidents are not the stupidity I was referring to originally. Simply an aside because it happened in the same class. The girl who did the second presentation actually didn't do a terrible job, aside from butchering the name of one of the best directors ever. She posed the question, "What themes can you see in all of Kubrick's films that we have seen so far?"
I swear, the following is as close to an exact quote as I can manage because I have never silently laughed so hard in my life. Forgive me if it's a little bit off:
"Well, I've noticed that in all of Coo-brick's movies that... that there are people, and the movies focus on these people the events that happen to these people, and the way that they react to these events and to the other people."
Without any context, I would have assumed that someone has asked a 5 year old to define 'narrative'. What the fuck? I honestly thought she was joking, so I turned around and looked at her, and she had this big grin on her face like she has just contributed something absolutely mind-blowing to the discussion.
WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK? Am I one of ten people attending university who knows not to open my fucking mouth unless I have an actual answer to a the question that was just asked? If you don't have a point, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
A good method is to know where you are going to finish before you start. If you do not know what your final point is going to be, you do not have an answer. If that is the case, answer the question in the form of another question. I guess that wouldn't have really helped in this case, because that is seriously the dumbest thing I have ever heard escape the lips of a real, honest-to-deity University student who, sadly, probably has a higher GPA than I do. FML.
Anyway, I'm done with this shit.
Han Shot First
-MattDawg8
I guess I should preface this post by stating just exactly how much I hate people texting in theatres. Actually, David Duchovny did a pretty good job portraying this in the first episode of Californication:
Seriously, fuck people like that. Not Hank Moody. Love that guy. He is what I strive to be, except with way too much drug abuse and sad wives and a kid. Okay, maybe I don't want to be like him, but I like his attitude.
Are we all so dependent on our phones that we can't go to a movie (that we paid fucking 12 dollars to go see) for 2 hours without answering our phones? The asshat in the video was talking on his phone, and for that offense, I will even leave my seat just to yell at you. The only excusable cellphone usage in a theatre is to quickly check the time because no one wears a watch anymore. Which is sad, really. Watches are a great accessory! I own a few. I just always forget to wear them. Shame. Other than that, you leave your fucking phone in your fucking pocket for the entire movie or I will fucking rage.
This preface turned into a paragraph or two, but that's okay. I like to rant. Now, to our main event:
I went to a movie with some friends on the weekend. We were hoping to see Moneyball, but it was sold out by the time we got there. Argh. The only other thing playing soon that looked remotely appealing was Killer Elite. It didn't even look that appealing, but it had Robert De Niro, so it couldn't be THAT bad. Check the trailer:
The point is, we are in this movie and I am already slightly pissed because it's not what I wanted to see. Then, this group of approximately 10 high school kids (when I say 'high school', I mean, maybe grade 10. Probably 9. Maybe even 8. I do not care. They were dipshits) come in about 10 minutes into the movie and sits right in the front row. Whatever. No biggie. Just some other movie viewers.
A guy directly in front of me pulls his phone out and starts checking his email. WTF? I lean over, tap him on the shoulder, and, in an oddly nice fashion, say, "Hey man, could you not?" He says, "Oh, sorry," like it was some big fucking surprise that someone was mad at him for using his phone in a theatre and that was the end of that. No more problems. Thank you, random guy, for not making that movie going experience any worse.
A few minutes pass and some of these high school kids run out to get drinks and shit (obviously I didn't know this when they left, but they came back with drinks and shit, so.. yeah). They come back in (great writing, right there) and start making a fuckload of noise. Passing around popcorn bags, giggling about something, whispering at each other, and, of course, texting. In fact, they were texting each other.
For some reason, some of these idiot kids started sitting on opposite sides of the theatre, and one would pull out his phone, then put it away, and the kid on the other side would answer his, giggle, respond, and so on, ad nauseum. FUCK. GTFO my theatre, you fucking idiots.
Sadly, I was sitting too far away and in the middle of the row, so I would have had to awkwardly shuffle past about 10 people to get to the stairs, and then I would have to go down there and create an even larger distraction to get my point across. Lots of work for little reward, at that point. I limited myself to yelling, "Shut the fuck up!" when they were talking over one of few scenes that revealed plot points. It actually worked for a bit, until it didn't. Someone else must have complained because one of the theatre employees came in and talked to them. I couldn't hear him, but I'm assuming he just told them to stop being disruptive assholes or they would get kicked out. This also worked, for a bit, and it did eliminate the talking, but they still seemed to think texting was okay. Even if they had tried to be discreet about it, I wouldn't have cared as much, but they were just whippin' these babies out like it ain't no thang. FUUUUUUU-
The movie ends, and I jokingly comment to my friends, "Hey, want to beat up some high school kids?" I guess my sarcasm didn't carry over because one of them said, "Probably not the best idea..." I swear, I was kidding. Beating up some scrawny little punk in a parking lot who is probably 6 years younger than me would not exactly be an effective method for proving a point.
Anyway, I was just going to silently rage about it, but as we exited the theatre, I heard one of the kids mumble something along the lines of, "That movie sucked anyway, I couldn't even tell what was going on. I wonder how many people we pissed off, haha!" Seriously, dude? What raised you? Obviously a pack of wolves who did not have a television set. Maybe just really poor parents who couldn't afford to take you to the movies. If that was the case, my bad! I'm sorry that your below-the-poverty-line upbringing has completely ruined your ability to attend movie theatres without pissing off every single other person in the joint. However, I doubt that was the case given the fact that you were 14 with a cellphone and a rather pricey looking Element jacket.
I digress. Back to the point where the kid said dumb words: After he said some shit, I stop, turn around, walk up to this kid, push his chest just enough to let him know that he and I are certainly not on good terms, and as he spins around with this indignant look on his face, I look him straight in the eye and say, "Hey dumbass, you pull your fucking phone out in a theatre again, I will make you fucking eat it. Got it?"
His very keen response: "Oh... that wasn't me..." It wasn't you? Oh, really? So, if you weren't there, who the fuck was it, then? How would you know if you weren't in the theatre?! There are so many things wrong with that phrase that I just want to hit you. Also, I saw him in the theatre, so I know it was him. Fuck that guy.
Still standing about as close to this kid as I could, I quickly bring my hand up and slap his hat off his head. He now has this look in his eye that I don't see very often. I am pretty sure he thought I was going to make him eat his own intestine. I didn't stick around long after this, maybe 5 seconds, but I would like to say that I put the fear of MattDawg8 into that kid's heart that day. We got into the car, went home, and that was that.
Key points here:
-Only use your phone to check the time when you're in a theatre (not including previews. Who the fuck cares? Text away until the second the movie starts, then that shit better go in your pocket)
-If you use your phone in a theatre during a movie, you are given one warning. I will ask you one time not to continue using your phone. If you use it again after this warning, you relinquish all rights to your phone and it now becomes mine. I will take it from you and I will destroy it. If I am not close enough to you to do so, I will wait until after the movie, and I will terrify you until you empty your bowels. If you respond violently, I will fuck you up. You do not fuck with my expensive movie going.
-If you answer a phone call during a movie, you get no warning. I will stand up from my seat, go to where you are, and slap you. Man or woman, I do not care.
-If you don't think you can go 2 hours without checking your phone, do not go to movies with me. I will get mad at you, and even if we are friends, the same rules still apply. Check yourself.
That is all.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT IS COMING BACK!
-MattDawg8
Here's a first: an advice article! Unless you consider me telling the entire world what not to do advice, in which case, this is not a first and I have (once again) written a terrible and misleading intro. DEAL WITH IT.
The advice I'm going to give you: how to be more awesome. More accurately, how to be like me.
Obvious First Step: Don't Take Shit From People
A lot of people take this to mean, "Be a total fucking dick to everyone, constantly." Not true. I'm not trying to tell how to just be an asshole. I'm trying to tell you how to be a likeable asshole. Maybe one who has friends, perhaps (but that's harder than it sounds. It's an art form, really).
If you were a total dick to everyone, constantly, people would not want to talk to you. You shouldn't tell your boss to go fuck him- (or her-) self every time they tell you to do something you don't want to do. That's not not taking shit. That's just being a fucking useless asshole who doesn't want to do work (replace boss with friends who ask for favours and other such humans).
When it is appropriate to stop taking shit and to start getting mad, you will know. Some examples of times this always applies:
-when a person uses their cellphone in a darkened theatre more than one time (extra douche points if they don't even try to conceal it)
-when someone who technically has authority or seniority tries to abuse their power ("Hey, the work schedule had a definite end time for your shift, but could you stay for 4 extra hours?" Unless you're broke as fuck, the answer is always, NOPE! then go home)
-when someone seriously, legitimately tries to insult the clothing you are wearing for being 'unfashionable' or 'too cheap' (sorry I don't spend 5 Gs every month trying to look like a homosexual* businessman from the 1950's who somehow discovered v-necks) *no problem with homosexuals. Deal with it.
-when you tell someone you like a band and they immediately insult them with no way to back it up (unless they like Nickleback. SRSLY, GTFO my Earth, THX)
There's a certain type of annoyance you can just feel, and then you know to let loose and make that person feel like shit. Next step:
Learn to Insult People Effectively
Harder than it sounds, especially without practice. Luckily, my friends have learned not to take me seriously, at all, so I get a lot of practice being an asshole at home and such. Thanks for sticking around, very tolerant people! It's mildly appreciated. Don't get cocky. You don't mean that much to me (see what I did there? That's what I'm talking about).
The best kind of insults are ones that you can sneak in, and the other person isn't even really sure if they were just insulted. Making someone feel stupid for hours is much better than making someone feel slightly bad about themselves for a few minutes.
On that note: avoid stupid mom and/or sister jokes. I get it, you think my mom is a fat bitch. Untrue, and I know it. Even if you know my mom (or sister, if I had one. Brother, in my case), I don't give a shit what you say about her, because I know you would never say it if she/he was present.
Another thing: if you actually mean the terrible things you say (hyperbole is key here. Just enough to make your mean thoughts actually mean, but not so much that they reach the point of ridicule), they are much more effective.You can say someone is a degenerate asshole with a 2 inch dick who couldn't take home a lady if he paid her, but if you don't think any of that is true, they will know that. I'm not sure how it works, but apparently, insulting people for things that are actually wrong with them is much more offensive. What I mean is, if you really want to make someone storm off crying, pick on their weaknesses. It's a terrible thing to do, and should really be reserved for enemies (like Sectumsempra).
Basically, say all of the things to that person that your brain is telling you not to. Call a fat person fat. Call an ugly person ugly. Insult their hygiene, their grades, their glasses, whatever. Anything that is actually wrong with them. (Important note: don't start thinking that I mean it's okay to call handicapped people retarded or anything like that. Anything that is out of their control completely is really off-limits. It's like that time that Michael called Oscar faggy. Not cool, bro.)
Stop Giving A Fuck
Seriously. It's the best. Oh, some person is mad at you? That's their problem.
I guess it's really just not giving a fuck about what people think. It's much easier. Staying out of drama and not talking a lot of shit about people behind their backs is a good way to prevent your life from turning into fucking Jersey Shore.
Side note: talking shit about someone is saying stuff about them that is completely untrue, or slightly true but bent so much from the truth that it really isn't the same thing. Feel free to discuss dumb shit that your friends do/did that is entirely true that simply bothered you.
There are still things you do have to give a fuck about. Remember to shower. People dislike it when you don't. Pay bills, as having a place to live is nice. Don't piss off your parents because they raised you and shit, so they matter a little bit. Only treat women like objects if they have the approximate intelligence of an inanimate one ("OMG, pony rhymes with hair!" - girl I remember simply as "had sex with, then left").
Find Something to Nerd Out On
Personally, I picked 3 things: movies, video games, and Star Wars.
I wouldn't say that I'm unhealthily obsessed with any of these things, but it's nice to have some areas that I know more than average about. I'm very aware that there are people who know more than me about all of these things, but if you can compare the weather outside to the appropriate planet in the Star Wars universe (if you are ever unsure of what planet to use, check this shit out. Awesome. (sometimes inaccurate in places with weird climates. Today was not Hoth. Today was more like Endor or Alderaan.)
Basically, it's nice to know a lot about a little, even if it's really useless knowledge. I can't get a degree in Star Wars (but I would, if that was an option), but being a little bit geeky is cooler than just being of average intelligence and boring everybody because all you can do is talk about the weather in regular terms.
Do Not Try To Pick Up Bitches
Let the bitches come to you! It's a foolproof system. Here's how it's done.
1. Go to any social function.
2. Do whatever the fuck you want to do
3. If there's any particular girl you want to hook up with, introduce yourself like any normal human would, make a bit of conversation (but don't force it, or over-do it), then GTFO, and continue doing normal things.
4. Do nothing. Nothing at all. Just chill the fuck out and slurp back some beer (make sure you're not drinking something that makes you look like a lady. Seriously, when do you see a guy drinking a Vodka Slime take home a woman? Never. Also, don't drink out of a straw. It makes you look like you're sucking on a tiny, plastic penis. Nope). If dat bitch is all, "MMMM, GRRRRL, DAT BOY BE GETTIN' MAH JUICES FLOWIN'", she'll come talk to you.
5. If she comes back and is remotely interested, just be a normal human. Eventually, you'll both get a little drunker and shit will get real. If she doesn't come back, cut your losses, go home, masturbate, and cry yourself to sleep (crying optional). The latter is more likely.
People will say, "But Matt, that doesn't sound like it works perfectly! There's no way you get a lady every night with that strategy!" And you know what I say to that? CORRECT!
You know how hard it is to get a lady to come home with you EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT? Too fucking hard. Not worth it, at all. Also, if you put in a ton of effort and still strike out (also likely), you will be even less satisfied than if you did nothing at all and didn't get laid.
Just sit back, relax, don't be awkward as fuck, and you'll get laid every once in a while. Foolproof.
That, or get a girlfriend, and just have a ton of sex until it inevitably crashes and burns.
Last Step (the lamest sounding and the most important): Be Yourself
Seriously. I hate going out and talking to "Yes men." These people who were raised to just agree with everything you say to try to seem friendly. Being agreeable and being friendly are not the same thing! You can very easily argue with someone without pissing them off. Sometimes, it's more fun to piss them off and just let the conversation die. Most times, actually. I might be a slight sociopath, now that I think about it.
The point is, don't force anything, and don't be forced into anything. If you don't like what you're doing, stop doing it. Do shit that you want to do, all the time. If you hate your life, change it. If you think that everything in your life sucks, that is your fault. Change it. If you hate all your 'friends', they are not real friends, and you should find other people to hang out with. It's really that easy.
That was really only the last step because I'm lazy as fuck and don't want to do this anymore (see above). Sorry if this was lame. If you thought it was lame, fuck off. I don't need you. I DON'T NEED ANYBODY! Actually, I need a few people. Otherwise, I'm just writing this for myself and that's SUPER lame. Not worth it. (Psst. Tell your friends I'm hilarious.)
It's A Trap
-MattDawg8
Pre- script: They changed the Blogger layout to make it all fancy and shit. This is fucking retarded. It looks and feels like I am typing on an empty cloud. I very much like knowing that I am sitting behind a computer, Google. Fuck you.
FACT: I haz the diabeetus. Bitches don't know about it. (Related) It's pretty fucking annoying at time. One might say that this disease causes me disease. One might also say that I should stop pointing out very obvious word origins and get back to being angry, but I would tell that One to go fuck himself.
Even with so-called 'universal' healthcare, I still have to pay for bottles of insulin. I use 2 types; one is 30 dollars per bottle, the other is 70. You can see how it might cause me some financial problems to be dropping $200 per month on this shit. Some people might say, "But Matt, you pay $120 per month for internet and TV, is $200 too much to pay for your own life?" I would again direct them to find a corner in which to fornicate themselves because this is not shit that I should have to pay for.
Luckily, my dad has one of those career things that apparently comes with insurance coverage. This is supposed to knock the price per bottle down to $5. A tolerable expense. ALAS! They will not pay for it without a prescription for it from a doctor. Who the fuck else would it be from, Matt? What a goddamn waste of space that was. Let's leave all of this here so that everyone is aware that you don't even tolerate your own bullshit. Fucking idiot.
What with this move to Alberta in the past year, I have not bothered to find an actual doctor in Calgary. Too much work. I finally broke down and went to a walk-in clinic last week and got the man with the fancy degree to write me up a prescription for this shit.
Now, as a very well-trained professional, I was kind of hoping that the doctor would know that my diabetes was not going to suddenly cure itself after he wrote me this one prescription, and that he would make it an ongoing prescription. Apparently, you can make them last for up to 18 months with unlimited refills. This is what I was hoping for.
He wrote the prescription for exactly one fill. 1. ONE. UNO! TWO MINUS ONE = HOW MANY TIMES I COULD GET THAT PRESCRIPTION FILLED! I distinctly recall talking to the doctor, briefly, about how I was happy to finally be able to have a prescription on file, and him smiling and saying that it would be important. He forgot to check the little box that was quite important, though, so now I have to go BACK and wait in the shitty waiting room with the crooked art for at least an hour to have another 30 second appointment about the SAME THING! Fuck everything.
This problem led me to another problem: intentionally incompetent pharmaceutical assistants.
There are 2 pharmacies near me: a Rexall and a Shopper's. The Rexall is closer, but not really attached to anything, and I would only be going there if I was heading out exclusively to pick up insulin. The Shopper's is part of the nearby mall, so I usually end up going there. NO LONGER! Here is why:
Bottles of insulin come prepackaged in a little cardboard box. In order to fill the prescription, all they need to do is grab the box out of the fridge, take my money, hand me the box, and send me on my way. EVERY other pharmacy pre-Shoppers (including the Rexall) does this. It takes no longer than 5 minutes to get in and get out.
Consistently, unless I go there after regular business hours (it's open 24 hours, oddly), I have to wait 20 minutes to pick it up, at least. Today, it was 35. 35 MINUTES! FOR THEM TO HAND ME A PRE. PACKAGED. VIAL. WHAT. THE. FUCK. MY. CAPS. LOCK. KEY. IS. STUCK. AND. MY. SPACEBAR. SEEMS. TO. BE. LEAVING. PERIODS. BEHIND. SHIT. THIS. IS. GETTING. ANNOYING. Oh, there we go. Dodged a bullet.
I understand that I am not your only customer and that you have actual, complicated prescriptions to fill, and that I in no way deserve to be jumped to the front of the line. HOWEVER! Fuck all that understanding bullshit I just said, and give me my fucking insulin, NOW! I am impatient, and seriously, it would add 30 seconds to whatever work you were pretending to do before. Get over it.
This lead me to a third angering issue: now that I had 35 minutes to waste in the mall, I figured I could go check out EB Games. This part was legit. Got LA Noire and Infamous 2 for 40 bucks each. The employee-dude was not pushy or rude or weird looking. Thumbs up, broseph.
After this, I wandered over to HMV. They always have movies on sale, and I always love picking up cheap Blu Rays. Stumbled on a limited edition Hi-Def Stanley Kubrick collection. Wasn't super cheap, but, at first glance, it seemed pretty awesome. It had every single movie Kubrick made in one collection (as far as I know. Might be wrong. Don't care), listed on the back of the case.
Here's the kicker: only 2 of the movies in it were actually in HD. There were 9 movies (I think?) in the collection. Who the fuck decided it would be okay to market that as a Hi Def collection of movies when only 2/9 are legit 1080p, Uncompressed DTS 5.1? Not that it was HMV's fault, but it pissed me off enough to make me shake my head in disgust, debate stealing it, deciding that it would not be worth getting banned from the mall, and walk out of the store.
TL;DR Diabetes sucks. Doctors are fucking handicapped, as are pharmaceutical assistants. False advertising make me want to punt a fucking child off a bridge into heavy traffic. Fuck squirrels. My neighbour left a lawnmower on his lawn with a 'FREE' sign on it and I took it. Fuck yeah.
Whales
-MattDawg8
So, I'm a little drunk and on a bit of a writing binge following those Sasquatch posts.
Let me carry it on.
I hate how unappreciative people can be, and why people feel the need to lie. That's all I'm going to say on the topic. You know who you are.
MOVING ON! Why the fuck does the UofC make course selection so goddamned complicated? The system itself is not the worst thing ever, but the way the make it you use it is absolutely daft. For 'security purposes', you can't have more than one tab of your course picking shit open at once. This means that there is no easy way to look at both the courses you had already selected, and the courses you want to take, in a nice, easy to see time table.
Sure, there are drop down menus all over the fucking place, but they'e fucking useless. SRSLY, just gimme a 'Timetable' tab, and a 'Courses you can take' tab, and I'll be set. Shouldn't be to goddamned complicated to program, methinks.
Oh, so I got kicked out of a club for the first time a few weekends backs. It was yet another dub show at Republik, and I was in front of the stage with a few of my friends. I got bored and started hardcore dancing by myself, because hardcore and dub share that sick 2 step beat, and it's fun to rage to. Deal with it. Given that I had cleared about 3 feet on all sides of myself of all signs of human life, some random guy came up to me and said, in a less-than-pleasant tone, "Yo dude, you're going a little crazy." I asked, "Am I hurting anyone?" He just shook his head, so I said, "So stop bothering me!" and he wandered off.
About 30 seconds later, one of those indestructible glass-looking plastic cups rolled under my feet and made me almsot roll my ankle. I kicked it to the side, but it bounced right back. I picked it up and lobbed it at what I thought was an empty space near the front. About 10 seconds later, some enormous asshole bouncer comes charging through the crowd and tries to grab me by the throat. I'm a wily little bugger, so I got his hand off my throat and asked, "What the fuck ar you doing?"
He yelled back, "You hit me in the fucking face with that glass, you're out of here!" I didn't believe him, given that I had seen the entirely empty area at which I threw the glass, but I wasn't exactly in the position to argue. I started walking out and this ass kept pushing me for no fucking reason. He pushed me as I was going up AND down sets of stairs, like any perfectly reasonable human being would, clearly.
When I got outside, he told the other bouncers not to let me back in (is that ever a thing? Re-entry after getting pushed outside?). Anyway, i told one of the bouncers outside what happened and he basically said that he believed me, that throwing shit in clubs is never a good idea, and that they couldn't let me back in that night, but that all would be forgotten by next weekend. Whatevs. Grabbed a cab home and went to sleeepz.
Went and saw Feed Me with a friend a weekend after that, I think. Even if you're not super into electronic music, check this shit out. This guy is unreal:
And that show was sick. Went to Denny's after. Loved it.
Anyway, I'm fucking tired. Wrote 4 posts tonight. Knowing me, this means I won't see you for like 6 months. LOLZ! I can't stay away that long.
GO JETS!
-MattDawg8
Yo,
So I woke up in not my own tent, again, figured out that we would meet just before Chromeo, then went back to my own camp. Woke up El Tigre, ate a muffin, drank a ton of PBR, then attempted to head out.
When I say 'attempted', I mean, tried to bring El Tigre with me, but he decided it would be a good idea to have a big discussion about hockey with every single person in the area who had anything to do with the Canucks anywhere near them. This pushed back my departure time by about 20 minutes until I literally exclaimed, "Fuck this, fuck you, fuck all y'all, I'm walking," and walked to the venue.
(Apparently, El Tigre ended up inside about 2 hours later. He was there for about 40 minutes before he passed out, threw up, and was thrown out, in that order.)
I got there just before Chromeo started. I hadn't really listened to any of their stuff before, but I had heard good things, so I figured it was worth checking out. I joined up with Random Girl and crew and we sat on the hill to watch these guys. They were very interesting, to say the least. The white guy played guitar, sang, and fucked around with a tiny drum kit, while the Arab buy sang into a talkbox/vocoder and played synth at the same time. It was pretty impressive to watch, actually. Anyway, they played this shit and it kicked ass:
Word. Enjoy it, bitches.
Then, I had the 2 most (and only) disappointing acts of Sasquatch play back to back!
Guided by Voices are some shitty semi-punk band from like... Seattle or something. All of the member of it are legitimately like 65 years old. Do not listen to them. I will not even post one of their songs here.
After them, we ran over to see Macklemore, at El Tigre's recommendation, which turned out to be a poor choice. I don't think it had anything to do with Macklemore's ability; rather, the sound guys majorly fucked up and maxed out the bass, but turned down the mid-range. HE RAPS! All you need is mid-range. Shit was retarded. Anyway, here's a good song of his:
Recorded, this shit is tight. Live? Take it or leave it. FYI.
We left before his set was over and headed over to see Foster The People. They were playing the smallest stage, for some reason. This made no sense because there were probably 10 times more people at this stage than there were at the main stage to see Guided By Voices. There was so little room that people had climbed up onto the concession stands and shit. It was ridiculous, but totally worth it. They played this as their last song, obvs:
It's kind of the best. Major wood for this song now.
We stuck around at that stage to see Best Coast, at the request of the Random Girl's crew. They were also surprisingly good. This was the last song I listened to while in the presence of this girl that I stumbled upon. Just given the title/chorus, it was kind of poetic and awesome. Also still love this song:
Yeah, so that happend. I wandered away from Random Girl and company to catch my last set of the festival, which was Skrillex.
Love him or hate him, he knows how to put on a good show. He got so many people crowd surfing/doing crazy shit! It was sick. He also dropped this track at one point, and this is defs one of my most played now. <3
Permawood for this shit.
Anyway, when I got back to my campsite, El Tigre was passed the fuck out, basically, so we slept until morning. Then, our neighbours car battery was dead, so gave them a boost, sent them on their way, then packed our own shit up and got on our way. No snags until the border.
We had some booze that we weren't sure if we could bring over, what with the legal age being 21 in the US, but 19 in BC. We tucked it in the trunk and hoped for the best.
The border guard asked, "Any tobacco?"
"No."
"Any alcohol?"
"No."
"...Why not?"
"We don't smoke?"
"You don't drink?"
"...We're not 21, so we can't?"
Awkwardly long pause
"Alright, have a good day."
All that stress just to get a 40 of Vodka and 4 PBR over the border. Not worth it, clearly.
Anyway, we got back okay. I am now in possession of a sick lime green Saquatch hat that I wear everywhere, and I have a new found love for music festivals. Them bitches be dope. I'mma hit up as many as possible in the next few years.
Anyway, that's all for this tale! Except for the fact that I'm meeting Random Girl in Mexico at the start of August. That's worthy of another post. Fuck it. It'll happen eventually.
Check out the first 3 posts:
SASQ 1
SASQ 2
SASQ 3
Bitches be crazy
-MattDawg8
LET'S GET TO IT!!
Day 3 started off with me waking up incredibly early in an unfamiliar tent, discussing where I would meet up with this girl again (because, seriously, super cool chick), and then heading home to make some breakfast/booze sandwiches.
Got to my tent, made 3 sandwiches, ate 1, showered, woke El Tigre up, he may have showered?, he came back, we packed some shit up, then went to the venue, with no real plans to meet up given that the plans we had did not work out the first day.
I got there just in time to catch Reggie Watts starting up. I bumped into some really nice folks who had some really nice substances they were willing to share with me, but they made me really sleepy! The only thing I really remember from Reggie Watts was hearing him play at least part of this:
Except with less Tragically Hip. Still pretty dope.
After this, I ran over to the main stage, met up with Random Girl and company, caught the tail end of Cold War Kids, then heard all of Flogging Molly, who were fairly amazing, BTW. They played this:
I think that's the full song? Anyway, I pooped a little after they played that. One of my favorites for a long time. Ever since I bought Rock Against Bush Vol. 2, and decided to check out more Flogging Molly, actually. Great album.
After them, we got as close to the front as we could for The Flaming Lips, which wasn't very close. The entire front stage area was packed, as was the entire area around it. We were somewhere in the second area, in the middle, halfway to the back. Not exactly close.
They didn't play this, but this is my favorite Flaming Lips song:
Even if it is a semi-cover (different lyrics), it's still fucking awesome. Anyway, their lead singer dude (whose name I am too lazy to look up. Wayne Coyne? Something like that) ran out onto the crowd in a human sized hamster ball, which was awesome. I was really drunk again and crowd surfed for a but (like, legitimately 10 seconds. Bitches were not feeling it). It was fucking sweet.
THEN, the girls I was with were all like, "AH, MODEST MOUSE!" But I was like, "NOOOO FUCKING WAY! MSTRKRFT!" And then we went to MSTRKRFT, because I have a penis.
Anyway, MSTRKRFT was fucking amazing. Possibly made a little better than average due to factors I am unwilling to discuss. But yeah. Shit was dope. I honestly don't think they played one entire song of their own during their entire set, but they were unreal at mixing, so that was totally cool. The onyl song of theirs I remember hearing a little bit of was:
Shit was UNREAL! Had the best time of my life at this set. It's really hard to put into words, but it was just so good. So much good music, some sick people with me, a sick crowd with no retarded people kicking me in the face as they surfed by. It was unbelievable.
After this, we sat by a power generator outside of the venue listening to Ratatat for a bit while we cooled off. It was pretty great.
I, once again, walked back with this girl, went to my tent, saw no El Tigre, went to her tent, drank some beers, and fell asleep. It was awesome.
More to be found here!
Check out:
SASQ 1
SASQ 2
SASQ 4
SUCK IT!
-MattDawg8
Oh, heyyyyyyyy.
Kind of forgot about this shit. MY BAD!
Carrying on.
Day 2 of Samsquatch:
El Tigre was considering going to watch Alberta Cross at noon. No fucking way I was going to be able to wake up AND get acceptably drunk enough by noon. Also, there was no one else I wanted to see until Local Natives came on at 3:45. So, we woke up at 11ish, decided against going to see Alberta Cross, then started crushing PBRs whilst making bacon and eggs on the shittiest camp stove money could by from WalMart. Seriously, though, that shit was delicious.
Also, we had the genius idea of buying a fucking enormous sandwich and shoving a mickey of Vodka in it. I was a tad bit skeptical about this plan given that anyone with a functioning set of eyes could tell you that there was a 12 ounce bottle of booze in our sandwich. Shit was retarded.
But it worked. Major good times.
Anyway, I was aiming to get semi-near to the stage for Local Natives so I lined up. At this point, I was fairly ridiculously drunk, and I still had a water bottle that was 50/50 Vodka/Sprite. Shit was ridiculous. Apparently, I started talking to this girl in line in front of me. Turns out, she was totally awesome. Both of us kind of completely blacked out this meeting portion of our friendship, but TL; DR we are not going to Mexico together at the start of August. UNRELATED.
Back to 'quatch: Girl I just met and I watched Local Natives from the line to get in. Heard this:
Shit was dope. Kind of fell in love with them even more after this.
Continued hanging out with randomly acquired female friend and watched Wolf Parade on 'the floor'. Honestly, it has been too long for me to remember exactly what they played because I didn't really listen to them a ton before I went to Sasquatch. I do recall liking them. Here is their first video if I search 'Wolf Parade' on YouTube. Enjoy"
I can live with this. Decent sounding. Kinda upbeat, but sad. Likelikelike.
This was the point in the day when there were no great bands playing, so we just went and sat down for a while. Heard Pink Martini play their set, and they were shockingly good (just some jazz, but it's dope (also randomly selected)):
Word. Then came the time of day where we ran around and got food and drinks and merch and such and didn't pay a ton of attention to the bands playing. Some of the random girls friends stayed for Iron and Wine, but all I know by them is a Postal Service cover... may as well post it, right?
Didn't even listen. Could be someone chanting to Satan. Hope it isn't!
I was dragged to see Matt & Kim after all of our running around and I was absolutely blown away! They are fucking amazing. It was just the 2 of them, but they had SO MUCH energy!
Matt just plays the synth and sings, and Kim primarily drums, very occasionally singing. They only had 1 hour to do their thang, so they had to rock hard. They played a cover of Biz Markie's "Just a Friend", a bried cover of "The Final Countdown" and a few other well known songs, just to get the crowd pumped. Of course, they played Silver Tiles:
And Daylight (YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS, SRLY!!!!):
Fuck, I have been in love with this song ever since that night. Absolute gold. Majorly digging it.
I stayed until the end of Matt and Kim's set, then ran over to where The Glitch Mob was playing. They were a bit into their set when I got there, but I didn't miss anything important. I believe they were playing this as I walked up:
This past weekend, I went to Sasquatch Music Festival with a friend of mine, who I will refer to from this point on as El Tigre. Shit was UNREAL. Legitimately one of the best weekends of my life. I'm just going to tell you the story of what happened, and include a bunch of embedded YouTube videos of bands I listened to and liked. Possible some Mediafire links, if I really liked them.
Note: I took a bunch of video of sets I saw while at the festival. I have uploaded it to my computer, I just have to edit it all together and shit. I'll be sharing that link a lot once I'm done. For now, I'll just be posting links to quality versions of songs.
DAY 1
El Tigre and I hit the road at 4 AM on Friday morning. Apparently, Sasquatch is usually only a 3 day affair, but this was the 10th anniversary, so they tacked on the Friday. No bigs. We're just deadbeat students who barely have jobs for the summer. May as well go get drunk for an extra day.
First thing that happens: get flashed for a speeding ticket before we even leave the city, at like.. 4 15 AM. WTF? Street was COMPLETELY empty. So lame.
Next: border crossing. Pretty standard, but it still made me laugh.
"Do you have any tobacco?" "No." "Any alcohol?" "No." "Any illegal drugs?" "No." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "... Alright, have a good time."
More driving. As we're driving along the highway, El Tigre and I look to our left and we see some other people who look like Sasquatch attendees (SUV with 4 people in it packed absolutely full with sleeping bags and other camping shit). Kind of laughed because it was cool to see them beforehand.
At the next stop light, El Tigre says, "Holy shit, that is my fucking cousin in the passenger seat." He rolls the window down, as does his cousin, and the first words out of El Tigre's mouth are, "Yo, can you buy us some booze?" Luckily, his cousin is pretty awesome, so he just laughs and tells us to follow them. We get to a Safeway at some town not terribly far from The Gorge (where all this shit is going down on the weekend) and we buy all the stuff we need, which was basically food for a few meals a day, 48 cans of PBR, 40 ounces of vodka, 40 ounces of rum, a mickey of vodka (for sneaking stuff in, obvs) and a giant sandwich (for concealing the mickey, double obvs).
From here, we roll on out to The Gorge. We get close to it, and there is an absolutely massive line up of cars, which was to be expected. We wait in this for a bit, and are eventually directed to Premiere camping. Before you go saying, "Oh, ho, Mister Moneybags!" get fucked, and also recall (or learn for the first time) that I purchased these tickets via Kijijijijijijijijijijiji (dumbest fucking name for anything ever, BTW) and some very intelligent woman was selling them for less than face value MONTHS after she had purchased them, and after the fest was sold out.
For anyone attending in the future, do not pay for the premium camping. The only useful benefits were the shuttle to/from the venue, but it's only a 10 minute walk, if that, and it gives you more time to drink beers; and the free showers. If (more like when) I attend again, I'll be in reg'lar camping with all the hobos. Save me some dollars and let me spend more time with people my own age who aren't rich douchebags.
Carrying on: we got parked/set up camp with few problems and then started crushing beers. We were aiming to arrive at the venue during Against Me!'s set (is that punctuation correct? Shit's fucked, yo), so we left about half an hour before they started, expecting decently long lines and lots of security feel ups.
Another note for future Sasquatch goers: SNEAK IN BOOZE. They do a fucking terrible job of searching your bags, and they do not pat you down at all. Legit, could have brought approximately 5 flasks in with me and it would not have been an issue whatsoever. Sadly, I brought none with me. Tough life.
So, we're in and we can hear Against Me! Playing. I'm not the hugest fan of them (I'm sorry. I've tried so hard to love them. I really have. I love most punk, but I just can't handle listening to an entire Against Me! album), so we only stuck around for one song, then headed over to the main stage so we could get closer for Death From Above 1979.
When we got there, The Bronx was playing. I had never heard of them before, but I kind of love them a lot now. They were the only real hardcore band playing the entire festival, so I'm glad I stumbled upon them.
They played this song whilst I was moshing. Managed to fuck up one of my fingers in the first 30 seconds. Not stoked:
Anyway, they were sick, but I was kind of pumped when they finished because it meant DEATH FROM ABOVE WAS UP NEXT! I was stupidly excited to see them, what with the whole 'reuniting for a while' thing. They were actually the tipping point that made me decide to go to Sasquatch, so I guess I owe them something.
One of my favorite DFA1979 songs:
buuuuuuut then the fucking Foo Fighters were up next. I am not a mega fan of them, but I am a mega fan of Dave Grohl. Definitely one of the most influential dudes in the music biz these days, IMO.
They played this track which i had never heard before and I've been diggin' it a lot ever since. Sadly, there is no studio version of it. Someday, Mr. Grohl. Someday:
After that set, we headed back to our tent, drank a beer, and crashed for the night (given that we had been up since 4 AM).
This post is far too fucking long already, so I'm deciding to split this muthafucka into multiple posts.
See you tomorrow for the ever exciting DAY 2!
SASQ 2
SASQ 3
SASQ 4
Bitches love physics
-MattDawg8
To start, the word hipster gets tossed around far too often. People no longer know what a hipster is, because there is no single thing that is 'hip'. I suppose that was ultimately the goal of hipsters: to adopt a ton of disgusting habits (moustaches, wife beaters, bow ties, organic fucking everything, fixed gear bicycles, and so on, ad nauseum) and make them seem cool so that everyone would adopt them, then abandoning them and looking at the shit hole of 'hip' people they had created.
I'm using far too many 'quotes'. It's a really bad writing 'style'. Get 'fucked'.
Anyway, back to hating on Urban Outfitters. The one store I was in (the first and, hopefully, last time I will ever be in there) had a literal fucking rack of bow ties, clip on and otherwise. There was another section devoted solely to striped wife beaters. Another strictly for shitty, overpriced graphic tees with semi-ironic images (SAVE FERRIS, Pink Floyd album covers, Fear and Loathing alternate posters, and a whole fuckload of other retarded bullshit).
This was the section that pissed me off the most, because it showed that they were fully aware that they were manufacturing thousands of these 'unique' (fuck me) items, and marketing them as if wearing them will make you stand out, when it will really just make you look like a sheep. (Long sentences FTW. Faulkner > Hemingway)
The only thing in there that I thought was pretty cool was their vinyl section. Don't get me wrong; people who listen to strictly vinyl are douchebags who clearly do not appreciate bass, but they had a selection of record players and a ton of pretty legit headphones you could try out. They also had a lot of current albums on vinyl (not necessarily really popular stuff. I think I saw a Said The Whale 12").
Personally, I download all of my music (very illegally), but I make a point of purchasing my favorites on vinyl so that I have something tangible and somewhat cooler than a CD to show off. They also sold picture frames for records so that you can literally show off your collection. I will be ebaying some cheaper frames shortly.
Enough hating on Urban Outfitters.
I hate people who don't know how to cut the fucking umbilical cord and take care of themselves once they've moved out of their parents' house.
I'm going to use some very specific examples here, and if you happen to know that you are the person I am referring to, know that I meant for you to read this, and you really need to get your shit together. Seriously. Grow the fuck up.
EXAMPLE ONE: Person I know decided they needed a new cell phone, but they had to wait for their parents approval before they bought one. Why wait? You're fucking 19, and you're going to be paying the bill anyway. You have a goddamn credit card. Just fucking go get whatever phone you choose. What are they going to do if they disapprove? Glare at you via FaceTime on your shiny new iPhone 4? Or possibly grumble under their breathe about how kids have too damn much money?
Either way, essentially, nothing.
EXAMPLE TWO: People who let their parents control their money (multiple people I know do this).
Personally, I have had control of my own bank account since I was 12. Sure, I would occasionally spend every cent I had in their on Yu Gi Oh cards or some shit, but when you get old enough to realize that you need to keep some money in the bank, just in case, you kind of stop buying shit after you know that you don't have enough money. Seems to make sense to me.
So, any money I have ever earned from whatever shitty minimum wage position I have ever worked has gone straight into one account or another that I personally monitor.
Apparently, it's not uncommon for people to just get their pay cheques (that is the only Commonwealth English spelling that I really don't like, btw), and simply hand them to their parents. Then, when they need money, any money at all, even a few dollars for the weekend, they have to go through their parents.
I'm also aware of situations where people's parents seem to think it's okay to use their kids money to pay bills and shit, and then just promise to pay them back later (which they will probably never do).
I'm sorry, Ma'n'Pa, but you didn't do the fucking work, so you don't get the fucking money unless I fucking give it to you (not that my parents would ever do this. Fahja is an accountant. He does not fuck around when it comes to money. Seriously, down to the penny calculations on everything money related I have ever done with him. Nuts. And awesome).
Back one step: So these young adults (I use the term loosely) are now off at University, and let's say they want to go to a concert. They have to call their parents, and say, "Mommy, could you pretty please send me X number of dollars so that I can go to this thing with other people who have already paid for my ticket because they are financially responsible and not fucking 8 years old? Also, could you wipe my ass hole and feed me some Gerbers? I loves me some mashed up apples. Shit's delish," or something like that. I wouldn't know. I have never had to have a conversation like that, because I'M NOT FUCKING RETARDED.
Seriously, how goddamn hard is it to handle your own money? Your bank account is X. Your expenses (frivolous or otherwise) are Y. As long as you can manage to make the dollar value of X always > dollar value of Y when it comes time to pay the bills, there will not be a problem.
Did you just realize you need more money if you want to keep drinking every weekend? Get a fucking job. Do not call your parents and whine until they send you a handful of gold bills with some dead Prime Minister on them (seriously, who knows who the fuck is on any of the Canadian bills? Least significant historians ever (not really, I'm just too lazy to look up a list of ex-PMs and Queens and shit. Fuck it.)). Doing so will result in you finishing university, not being able to get a job, and living in your parents' basement until you become addicted to heroin, recover from that, and then get addicted to methadone. Shot in the dark, but it could happen.
TL; DR
-Urban Outfitters manufactures individuality. Fuck them.
-Handle your own fucking money, or real life will fuck you in the ass when you suddenly have no fucking idea how much money you have.
-Pushing the 'bagel' button on a toaster does not make the slots wider. It only toasts one side so that you don't burn the outside of your bagel.
Christ, this is long. I should write a fucking book. "How to Offend the Largest Group of People in the Smallest Amount of Time"? Sound about right?
Bring back Celebrity Deathmatch.
-MattDawg8
Yo,
I also posted this on Facebook, so if you're reading it again, thanks for caring enough to check this shit far too often.
Finally registered a real domain for this muthafucka. All it did was drop the 'blogspot' from the URL, but I like it a lot more. Totally worth it. Going to the old site/RSS feed will just redirect it anyway, so you really don't have to do anything. Just figured it wouldn't hurt to let my loyal readers know what's up.
Anyway, new domain is http://www.mattblawg8.com/
Imma make like a puzzle and PIECE OUT! (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOOLOLOL!!11!!11SHIFT!!)
-MattDawg8
A few good stories. Once I get into them, I might also get into a good rant about something. We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?
Wazzup, gangsta beatz? Every one of those words is highlighted as if they are misspelled, yet I see no problem with them. Silly internet! Ebonics should be programmed into you by now.
Anyway, I'm only here because it is muthafuckin' 6 n the goddamn AM, and I am not yet asleep. Possibly because I've been up this late the past 3 nights in a row, and slept in until at least 1 each of those days. Sleep patterns? Where we're going, we don't need patterns (Assume this means we are not going crocheting. One option eliminated).
I'm currently sitting in my living room, listening to the obnoxiously loud hum of my launch 60 gig PS3. Holy shit, this thing is a fucking leaf blower. Like, seriously, Sony? The OG 360 was louder than hell, and you tacked on a solid handful of decibels. Comparing the new 360 to the fat ass PS3, noise wise, is like comparing Enya to Trash Talk. BTW, never listen to Enya. If you like hardcore, frequently listen to Trash Talk. If you don't like hardcore, get the fuck out of here. Just kidding. But seriously. Watch yo' back.
Back to le PS3: The only reason this enormous power-hungry mammoth of a machine is running at the moment is because I want to charge my controllers. Are you fucking kidding? I actually have to leave the damn thing turned all the way on just to charge my controller so that I can continue to use this system at a later time? I think the PS3 is one of very few consumer electronic devices that has USB ports that are unpowered when the device is in a sleep state. Hell, some things turn on when you plug shit into them. That's fuckin' dope.
You know which system doesn't require me to leave it on to recharge my (admittedly more expensive) controllers? The 360. There it sits. Damn near silent. The small LED on my Play and Charge cable glowing red, as I wait patiently for it to turn to a hue of green; green like the meadows that I can run through while playing Dead Space 2 once I am free of the burden of cables.
Seriously, how can a giant company like Sony fuck the dog in so many ways on what is considered by most to be their flagship product? The only thing they did (very, very) right was BluRay. Damn, that feature rocks. You can see every wrinkle on every old woman's face when you're sitting across the room. HD has cut the potential career lengths of only moderately attractive actresses by about 15 years.
Back on point: The PS3 is the absolute best video player when it comes to optical media. For gaming? Get fucked. The 360 is king.
You may have noticed that, up until this point, I had not mentioned the Wii. That is because it is the bastard child of the current console generation. The one in the corner eating paste who happens to be really good at one thing, but he has ridiculously rich parents so people keep him around.
I will give it this: quietest console ever, particularly when modded to use an external harddrive for game back ups (eye patch, engage). Other than that, it is just the worst. Any games that come out on any other system, as well as the Wii: do not play it on the Wii.
Why am I bitching about video game consoles which will be obsolete within 3 years? Because this is the internet, biatch, and I can talk about what'er I want. SuckonitsuckonitSUCKONIT.
New topic: reading from a text book will not show me how to make a movie. Watching a lot of movies will show me how to make movies. UofC Film program: Half as many books. Twice as many movies. Then I will recommend you. Also, the option to hand in any and all assignments in video format would be greatly appreciated. Why the fuck would I write a 10 page paper describing a single scene in a movie, when I could just show you the fucking scene as I speak over top of it? I could even show it to you multiple times to talk about different aspects of it. Writing about it? That is just daft. And not the good kind.
I just ate a sandwich containing 4 strips of bacon.
I recently picked myself up a Nook Color, and this thing is fucking awesome. I honestly didn't even use it without rooting it, so I couldn't tell you what it's like as just an eReader, but when you turn the little bastard into a tablet, it's fucking mind[%50 load]-blowing. Absolutely worth the money. Respect to my brethren in the US of A who lets me ship stuff to him. Word.
Fuck it, Imma try sleeping. You've been a great crowd tonight. Just kidding. You guys suck. I think I could count the amount of people who will bother to read thus far on one hand, excluding my thumb. Tell your friends or something. It's not like I'm a bad writer. I'm just lazy as fuck and don't update nearly often enough to call this blog 'active'.
Everyone sucks but me.
-MattDawg8
PS. Editing a video is not nearly as fun when you aren't telling your own story. Maybe I do want to direct? Like that will happen. Some unlucky Best Buy somewhere, here I come (in 3 - 4 years).
A list of stuff, in no particular order:
Tucker Max is like the more famous version of me who fucks a lot more bitches. Check him out.
I really want to buy a 3DS so that I can play 3D games, but mainly so that I can pick up all of the Pokemon games on DS that I have been missing out on for the past few years.
The other day, I realized that if I had spent no money on alcohol this year, I would have almost double the current amount in my savings account. I then briefly thought that I might have a problem, but then I realized that I'm already a diabetic and you're not allowed to have 2 diseases at once (right?). Also, mild alcoholism is awesome.
I went to a bar the other night. It was Saturday night, and St. Patrick's Day had been on Thursday. The bar we were at seemed to be confused, and had a full on rager for St. Patty's Day going on. Main problem: I seemed to be the youngest person there, by far. A legitimate 40 year old woman hit on me (I would say cougar, but she wasn't remotely good looking. Otherwise, I would have considered it). I decided to drink. A lot.
I first ordered a Strongbow. Oddly, this so-called 'Irish' bar did not have it on tap. The bartender asked me, "Can or glass?" I said, "Whatever." Normally, I would have just picked, but given that the can was in her hand, and the glasses were approximately 2 inches away from that same hand, I figured I would let her decided. Instead, she cuntily (solid adverb, btw) replied, "Do you or don't you want a glass?" With a half second hesitation, and with a slightly raised voice, I said, again, "Whatever." She then poured it in a glass, slid it across the bar at me, and asked for payment.
Oddly, they charged $5.75, which is $0.50 more than everywhere else I have ever ordered one, but it resulted in me having a shitload of change. I made sure she watched me leave a single fucking quarter on the bar for her which was, frankly, twenty five cents more than she deserved.
Another bartender at the same place later demanded that I say please when I order my drinks. Pro tip: never, for any reason, go to Vern's in Calgary. Unless, of course, you are an ugly cougar. Seemed like an Ugly Cougar Den.
I saw a fucking barber on Calgary with the name 'The Den'. Were they really hoping to confuse students into cutting their hair on Thursday nights?
I picture my GPA like a golf score. Suddenly, I am a scholar.
If you ever get the chance, go see Drive Angry. Nick Cage stars, and it is a bad movie, but it is painfully aware that it is a bad movie, thus making it surprisingly entertaining. Do it.
Sucker Punch and Hobo With A Shotgun both come out this Friday. I have wood.
I am really fucking sick of Canada Post losing my goddamn packages. Three fucking times this year that I have had to make the company I ordered from resend whatever it was that I had ordered. This adds up to 3 t shirts (one of which says '@mattdawg8' across the front) that some asshole has either lost in the back of a warehouse or given to his fucking kids. I'm going to start paying more for shipping simply to get a fucking tracking number so the asshole who delivers my mail can stop failing at his job.
I fucking hate school.
I spend too much goddamn time on Reddit. No regrets.
I saw a bunch of stupid bitches wearing what I have now learned to be called "Harem Pants." Whoever the fuck came up with this 'fashion trend' needs to be hit with a shovel. Not until dead. Just until they forget that they used to be a fashion designer and take up used car sales instead. Maybe I'll just their fucking fingers off. Maybe not. My threats tend to be empty.
Bros: Thou shalt not cockblock your bros. It has been happening a lot lately (not to me. I care too little to bother picking up women. If you aren't interesting enough to carry on a conversation with, I do not want to have sex with you), so I'm just tossing this one out there for those dudes who seem to have forgotten one of the Cardinal Rules of Bro Code (never read the actual book, just sayin' that a variant of this is probably in there, and if it isn't, Barney just forgot about it).
I make as many 'Catholic Priests touching boys' jokes as the next atheist, but really, the Catholic churches rate of pedophiles is really no higher than any other profession. Apparently, a bunch of child abusers found it easier to get jobs as teachers in middle schools than in churches, so if you were wary of letting you kid go to a confessional, maybe you should be wary of them going to detention. (Note: still a devout atheist, but there is no reason to insult men who work at catholic churches just because of a few fucked up dudes.)
Really stoked for concerts coming up in the next while. Starting with Glitch Mob, leading into Born of Osiris (meh)/Set Your Goals (dope)/August Burns Red (BONER JAM), and then a month or so later, Cancer Bats/3 Inches of Blood. Word.
I still hate you. This is not directed at anyone in particular, but if you are reading this, there is probably something about you I seriously dislike. Fuck everyone.
If you own a Wii and you haven't modded it, WHY THE FUCK NOT?! I have not needed to go to a store and physically purchase a game since I bought mine. If you have Windows, just use ModMii, and you can't possibly fuck it up. Other than that, just google some shit, and you'll be golden. Seriously, best thing I have ever done. Do it. Now. Right now.
I love Simon Pegg.
I own a lot of shitty old movies. I think this is a result of Walmart and their damn 5 dollars bins of low quality movies. I hate me and my need to acquire things.
Getting drunk at home is significantly cheaper than getting drunk anywhere else. Do it more often.
I still love retro games more than anything on my current consoles. I have spent multiple hours of the past few days playing Duke Nukem. It is awesome. On that note, what happened to Apogee games? They made Duke, Commander Keen, Cosmo... Huh. Weird.
Fuck it, I'm actually going to make it to class for once in my life. Peace, bitches.
*Go Die Ben* Tits
-MattDawg8
Word up, bros and broettes.
It's not really sure what to tell you. Basically, I just went through 3 weeks of trying to decide whether or not I hate my life, decided that I did, and was then told there was nothing I could do about it until I finished the semester. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-
Aside from that, I find myself horribly addicted to Lost. In those past 3 weeks of doing next to nothing, I've powered through 5 out of 6 seasons of it. I mean, I know how it ends. Fuck everyone posting spoilers everywhere the day it ended. But I still want to see how they get there.
Even from a more technical point of view, the show is really well done. It tends to cut back and forth between 2 storylines in a given episode, and the way it does it is really cool. Just watch it for yourself and find out.
I finally got out skiing on the mountains this season. Shit was dope. Although, for future reference, if you're in the Calgary area and you are trying to decide on a mountain to go to, skip out on Nakiska. It's still a significant upgrade from Thunderhill, but it's shit compared to Sunshine or Louise. Totally worth the extra drive time.
If you didn't notice the title, I am literally writing and posting this from my cellphone. Shit's crazy. I remember how stoked I was on my old LG dumbphone when I could chefk my email, even if it took 10 minutes to load. Now, I can align solar death rays to target people's genitalia with pinpoint accuracy with this device I pulled out of my pocket. I promise, there's an app for that! And if there isn't, a group of Russians is working on it right now.
Fuck you, I'm out. This shit will probably have some gay signature added to it as a result of this free blogger app. Fuck it, too.
-MattDawg8
Updates
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I want one of those giant chocolate muffins you get from Costco. Like, I would fuck that muffin right now.
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RT @FLOSSTRADAMUS: GOOD MORNING. DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TODAY.
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@katiemac_16 just drunken commentary, I'm not positive what I was referencing haha.
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Ever suddenly realize shit's not okay?
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@shaeroxane I set the time on your microwave #yourewelcome
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New #StarTrek - not bad. 6/10. #TheOffice finale. Much better. 8.5/10
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I have yet to receive any nudes on Snapchat. Just sayin'.
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Previous tweet brought to you by the only funny article I've read on any Gawker site since 2010.
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All you have to do is not text during your job interview and you'll probably make the final round of nominees. People are fucking morons.
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RT @ConansSquirrel: They only way to make Benedict Cumberbatch sound more British would be to put Field Marshall before his name.
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@Nyle30 I have the jacket haha
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@mackenseygrace I dare you to make me a grilled cheese to prove this
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Ted has banged waaaaaay hotter chicks than the one that he's going to end up with #justsayin #himym
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@TRILLYBASSILY 4 UNANSWERED GOALS. 4. IN. A. ROW. #RASKCITYBITCH
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@TRILLYBASSILY OH MY GOD HOW DO MY BALLS TASTE
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@TRILLYBASSILY yeah, Thrashers didn't suddenly become awesome after moving north, sadly haha.
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@TRILLYBASSILY im a Jets fan, I need something to hate other than myself and the Gods.
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@TRILLYBASSILY not even a big Boston fan, I'm just morally obligated to hate the Leafs.
Posts
The votes have just closed for the Producer of the Year 2011! The top 10 is as follows
- Munchi
- Dillon Francis
- ETC!ETC!
- gLAdiator
- Sazon Booya
- Heartbreak
- Market Price aka Valentino Khan
- JWLS
- J-Trick
- Dave Nada
Congradulations to the top 10 and to everyone else on the Facebook poll! Posts will be made up of the top 10 towards the end of Decemeber :)
Since Gru did one about Spiderman, I’ll let you in on some facts about Marvel Comics, since I am, after all, a major Marvel Zombie.
- In the 1970s, NBC ran a Fantastic Four cartoon that was noticeably missing the Human Torch. This is because Universal Studios owned the…
Audio
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robotsexxx: BRYX & NEON STEVE - The Bald Monster Submission sent via Facebook [download link] I submitted this, NO BIG DEAL. Rad tune, though.9263 plays
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doctorkongx: Four Year Strong - So Hot And You Sweat On It I’m stuck in a town that’s not enough for meDon’t tell me that it’s easySome say that I’m bad newsWell I’ve got some news for youWe live a life that nobody knowsWe’re having fun and I’m sure that it really showsObnoxiously and selfishlyBut we have a way of keeping ourselves busy Back before FYS jumped the shark with their latest shitfest album. I MISS THESE DAYS!50 plays
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robotsexxx: Majistrate & DJ Pleasure - No Way Out [download]22 plays
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dont-touch-my-lightsaber: youbemyhero: hereforpizza: commanderikari: Tik Tok by Ke$ha, as read by Batman OMFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG91128 plays
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The Police- Roxanne Thank you community :)250 plays
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Can’t get enough of this moombahcore shit lately. Song came on and I had to stop studying for a bit. Big fan. Free DL, too!21212 plays
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robotsexxx: Skrillex - DnB Ting After shit talking Skrillex for enough posts I found a song by him I really enjoy. This is wicked. [Soundcloud]0 plays
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Enjoy.2140 plays
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So dope. Very dance-y. <3 moombah.5779 plays
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I like.203932 plays
Recent tracks
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Like the Dance Floor (JWLS Remix) by {'mbid': '', '#text': 'A-Trak & Zinc'}2 days ago
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Bubble Gun (Original Mix) by {'mbid': '', '#text': 'Apashe & Snails'}2 days ago
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ORIGINAL CHOPPAZ by {'mbid': '', '#text': 'Heroes x Villains'}2 days ago
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Rattle (Luminox Remix) by {'mbid': '8502bd7a-5479-4a8f-a7d9-75003d3d2c74', '#text': 'Bingo Players'}2 days ago
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Work Hard Play Hard (Valentino Khan & ETC!ETC! Remix) by {'mbid': 'f5dfa020-ad69-41cd-b3d4-fd7af0414e94', '#text': 'Wiz Khalifa'}2 days ago
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Hold Up by {'mbid': '', '#text': 'SoniyeMuzick'}2 days ago
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Who by {'mbid': '', '#text': 'Tujamo & Plastik Funk'}2 days ago
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CLIQUE (KEYS N KRATES RMX) by {'mbid': '', '#text': 'Kanye West, Jay-Z & Big Sean'}2 days ago
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Higher Ground (Hudson Mohawke x Lunice) by {'mbid': '195658bc-d4ad-4766-b18d-d5bf283beafa', '#text': 'TNGHT'}2 days ago
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BuckWild by {'mbid': '', '#text': 'Brillz & Teddy Tuxedo'}2 days ago
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Toys Are Nuts vs. Shake & Pop (Munchi's 'Damn Son' Unnecessary Trolling On Hundered T by Gregor Salto, DJ Chuckie & Green Velvet37 plays
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Oh, hai.
