Chris W Jones

A few weeks ago, my squadron lost an Airman to suicide. He worked on my shift but I didn’t really know him. I knew what he looked like and what his car looked like. He even lived a few houses down from me. But he was a very quiet guy, so we never even spoke. We held a memorial service for him and I went as a show of support for his family and the rest of the shift who had known him better. During his memorial, I thought about a lot of things: the Church, my relationships with others, my own life.

I realized that, when faced with a loss like this, most people turn to the church and even though I want to, I can’t. For about the past year, I have been claiming Atheism as my non-religion. Nothing yet had really cemented it in my mind like this event though. I saw others gaining comfort from their belief that this Airman had moved on to a better place, that this was all part of some plan. All I could see though, was someone who had taken the one thing still in his control and exercised his will over it. I don’t think it was a good choice. I’m going to say that up front. Unfortunately, I can understand why someone would do that. I can understand how life’s many frustrations can build until it would seem like a relief to get out from under the burden. I also understand though that there are always other alternatives available for any kind of problem, even if they may not be extremely palatable. By the time I was pulling away from his memorial service, I had already moved on.

I used to think that my ability to see death as just a part of life meant that I was a sociopath. I really thought that since I don’t really grieve in the traditional manner, I had no feelings. Several years ago, my grandfather had a massive heart attack. I thought he was going to die and he very nearly did. I remember that night pretty well. I was sitting in the library at UofL wasting time, as I always did there, when my mom called me. As soon as I got off the phone with her, I started drafting something to say at his funeral. I wasn’t in tears. I was still my normal composed self. I just opened up a new word doc and got started like I would any other writing assignment. Only later did I come to realize that I was probably in shock from hearing about him. Luckily he made it through and is still around today. But I know that there will be a day that I’ll get the call that he has died. I don’t trick myself by not acknowledging it. I know it will happen and probably within the next 10 years. The thing that I don’t allow myself to do is ignore that death is all around all of us. I’ve thought about what I would do if my wife died. I realize that this is one of my coping mechanisms and the way that I handle life. Death is a part of it and it could come at any time. I try to live my life as if I were going to die today. Do I have regrets about my life? Hell yes. You aren’t human or you’re lying to yourself if you claim none. My biggest regret is pissing away three semesters of college. I just understand that the past is already gone and the future hasn’t been put down yet.

We’re fairly settled in now with all but five boxes unpacked–and those just memorabilia. I have this urge to write, to let everyone know what I’m up to, but I just don’t do much worth writing about. Take yesterday for example.

Yesterday, Adkins, Sislo, Hunter, and I all went snowboarding. It was the first time I’ve ever really tried snowboarding. I’d been once before but it doesn’t count since I went down one run and swapped the board for skis. I got there before the rest so I was hitting the bunny slopes for a while. I got in maybe five runs down this thing and they show up. Out of the group, Hunter is the only good snowboarder. Adkins, Sislo, and I are all at about the same level: beginner. They do two runs and Hunter wants to go hit the big hill. At this point, I’m up to seven runs down the bunny slope and have at least figured out how to fall and stop, so I agree to head to the main area. Having never ridden on a chairlift with a snowboard before, that in itself was an interesting experience. All of us get to the top and start to head down. It was slow going with a lot of falling. I think it took us about 30 minutes to make it down the hill with about 5 falls therein. We were playing follow the leader though and it seemed to be a good approach since none of us were really good. I made it most of the way down the hill with only one big wipeout.

My board, still a new contraption to me, hit a fluffy patch of snow and one of the edges got snagged a little. My board went end-over-end with me still attached. It wasn’t too bad but it shook me up pretty good and I have a bruise that I think is from the fall. I ate some snow and climbed back up to keep going down. I made it the rest of the way without any other major incidents. And snowboarded right into Hilary’s waiting arms.

I gave snowboarding a rest and Hil and I decided to go ride with the sled dogs on the lake across from the ski lodge. Every few weeks in the winter, a local dog sled team comes to base and pulls people around. We all get the excitement of riding on a dog sled and the dogs get good training for running races like the Yukon Quest.

I guess I had more to say than I thought. Nothing major on the radar until next Friday when Hilary and I go see La Boheme at the Anchorage Opera. I’m looking forward to it since I’ve never seen it before. I went out and bought a new suit tonight just for the occasion and tomorrow we’re going dress shopping (oh joy). Until next time.

I decided that tonight was the night to file my taxes. I can’t wait to get them back, I’m supposed to get my largest refund ever this year. And while I know that Hilary was bored out of her mind without a job in Texas, I’m glad she didn’t get one because that would’ve made doing Taxes harder. If she decides to get one in Alaska, it shouldn’t be too hard since they don’t have income tax, just property tax.

And of course, because I thought doing taxes was easy, TurboTax decided to freeze. Sweet. Awesome, back up. Don’t know what happened.

As I’m sitting here doing these taxes, I’m listening to Gershwin Plays Gershwin pieces. I really love this CD. He’s such an amazing piano player.

I worked out today. I’ve been using a kettelbell lately and I really like it. It’s like free weights except more versatile. My runtime is still ok. I also had a protein shake for the first time today. Pretty tasty thing. I’m going to go get a new bookshelf tonight at Target. Hilary doesn’t know it yet but I’m also going to get a kettlebell for the house.

I’ve been hearing the last few days that I need to find meaning to my life, that I need to feel like a part of something bigger. And I have to respectfully disagree. I’ve already found meaning for my life. My mission in life is simple and definitely nothing new: Do what makes me happy while not hurting others. I’m not quite sure why this philosophy seems to be so hard for other people to live by. To me, it seems like a lot of people turn to religion to make themselves feel important or part of something larger. That just doesn’t make sense. Why would I sacrifice my intellectual integrity (really Christianity? Zombies?) to get this feeling? Why does this feeling of being part of something bigger matter? I think that the better question is why don’t people feel like part of something bigger just by living their life. Part of the way I live is realising that I’m already part of something bigger just by doing my normal, average day-to-day routines.