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Audrey Devarajan
audreydevarajan@gmail.com
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New York City is a panic attack on Houston and Essex, it’s a broken down Q train, it’s a 45 minute schlep to work. New York City is finding yourself in your friend’s ex-girlfriend’s most recent ex-boyfriend’s apartment, it’s a roof in Brooklyn, it’s a bar in the East Village. New York City is a fake ID that expired 3 years ago, it’s an $8 show that changed your life, it’s a kitten found in a box 2 blocks from the office. New York City is a text message that was never responded to, it’s a photo pass to your favorite concert, it’s free drinks on a ship in mid-July. New York City is being in love with everyone you see, it’s a cup of coffee that makes you crazy, it’s your friend putting lipstick on you outside the venue 10 minutes before the show. New York City is platform shoes, it’s a pair of Converse, it’s taking a couple of Advil when you get home. New York City is thrifted treasure, it’s a stoop sale that saved your life, it’s the best cup of cocoa chai you’ve ever had. New York City is a sweaty room full of BK’s hippest, it’s missing an opportunity only to get another, it’s a lot of anxiously waiting. New York City is realizing your dream, it’s passing your current boss’s girlfriend on campus, it’s an iChat that got sent to the wrong person. New York City is a library full of tired kids, it’s a brownstone full of addicts, it’s a dorm room full of outsiders. New York City is a laugh attack in a quiet room, it’s a crick in your neck, it’s a stack of vinyl in your desk drawer. New York City is a walk to the waterfront, it’s an endless conversation, it’s 4 cups of tea in one work day. New York City is a revelation, it’s an exchange of words with the nicest stranger, it’s a never-ending beginning.
nyc, my lovelies (via whatshouldnyucallme)- Complications.
(Posterous is shutting down, had to move back to Tumblr!)
Call it the rain, call it the song I’m listening to, call it a cosmic force…whatever you attribute it to, tonight is a night to figure things out. The Weepies are correct, the world does spin madly on. And what we choose to do about it, the way we choose to rotate it in the direction that we want to, is up to us. Tonight is a night for sifting through bad memories and breaking down walls. Tonight is a night to figure out relationships, academia, and dreams.
To start, I look at my old memories. Ones that scare me to the core of the heart. Violence and car crashes and addictions of family members who no longer seem to be around.. Letting in the disappointments and the memories of the time I was the disappointment…those seem to be the hardest to keep in mind. Every detail is screaming to be pushed away, begging to be put away again. But I’m determined.
Why am I so cautious about past, present, and future? Because I was hurt in the past? Because the present is just as uncertain as the future I could possibly shape or not shape? Family issues of temper and communication shouldn’t be determining the way I run my life and yet.. it takes over. I should be willing to be with someone who will put up with this phase of life, and yet I just want to run as far away as possible, to run from the memories that break me down physically and emotionally and leave me in a corner. I can’t face them because when one starts to enter, the rest push open that door and rush it. It’s not fair but I cannot control it, similarly how when I complain about not being in total control of a relationship I end up being in control and then it absolutely sucks because all decisions ride on my shoulders.
But running away is not the decision I want to take now. I want to detach, float away in a world where the memories simply are written in the cave of my past but I’m moving into the light, a beautiful, safe light where I won’t be harmed. There are two people I’ve been spending more and more time with recently, and although they have their own problems since the universe wanted to teach us all something at the same time, they’ve been that light. I’ve felt safe and put together. But once I return from that, I get thrown back into reality and it’s not pretty.
I’m scared of this side of things. I never thought I’d potentially end up with it, and what scares me about that is that I guess I’m more like my mother than I thought, something I vowed I wouldn’t be. So from here on in I must decide how much I trust this over my overprotective heart. Hopefully these words sink in, organize the mind that’s attempting to burn everything while also trying to save everything, and push me in the correct path. A decision has never been so hard and yet so necessary.
Here’s to the grief, solutions, and complications.
- Common Lies
1) There are no emotions involved, it’ll be simple.
2) You must hate this group, everyone in the group is the same.
3) You don’t need time to solve it, just the proper thoughts.
4) Don’t put effort into solving it, it’ll waste your time.
5) They have a perfect marriage/relationship.
6) He/she died for a good reason.
7) That person deserves the pity he/she gets.
8) Why help? You won’t know what to do.
9) I can accurately assume your entire personality, even though we just met. We have so much in common!
10) Everything you learn in school will be useful later on in life.
Make your own judgements, thoughts, and actions. Don’t ever depend on a system or group or individuals to determine what you do in life. You’ll be better off and happier if you determine your own truths.
- Cycles of Happines/Numerology/Random
Often, I fall into a vicious cycle. It usually goes something like this:
Get bored with stuff/don’t have enough to do
Sign up for everything possible/apply/make plans
Get overwhelmed and overworked
Drop everything/make excuses
Repeat.
So at the moment since we’re reaching the overwhelmed/overworked stage, I think it’s about time I list things that make me happy. This always keeps me grounded and quite sane.
Material things:
MUSIC. Great sound quality, great headphones/speakers/accessories, great instruments, etc.
My Apple products/the way I currently customize/use them
FOOD. ALL KINDS OF FOOD.
City Living, partying, working, socializing, a life on my own.
Non-material things:
Volunteering. nothing is more fulfilling than helping for no reason except selflesness
Donating
HELPING FRIENDS/friends in general
Helping Victims.
Good. Now I have to remember that I’m a number 11, and that I have unrealistically high expectations of myself, and therefore lower those and take on tasks that I can give my all to.
This semester I started learning about numerology. Unlike other semesters where I pick random things to learn about per semester, a friend suggested this one. Usually I believe that astrology and all isn’t correct at all and that it’s all vague coincidences, but in terms of numerology/palm reading I can see some truth (the palm reading is for my own enjoyment though). Numerology seems to describe people I hang out with, and it’s based on birthdate. For me, I agree with some characteristics of my number, but not all, which is apparently characteristic for 11s. It gets confusing but I never stop learning new facets of the concept which is why it’s so fascinating to learn about. I still don’t fully agree with my number but it’s quite accurate for everyone else that I know.
Yay :)
- Summer 2012
People go on different adventures in their lives, some memorable and some forgotten with age or the passage of time. This summer in particular, is one that I’ll remember and one that has shaped me for years to come. I’m not usually one to assign significance to random events such as these but I can’t help but feel mentally older and wiser and well-rested after this summer, which prepared me more than I had ever thought for junior year.
I suppose I had lost myself a little towards the end of sophomore year. Everything became about school and having fun and I forgot to sit in my own head. In fact I can safely say that there was absolutely no “me” time, not even when I went down to TriBeca. Other people and situations were constantly on my mind, making me forget who I was in the process.
I entered the summer with a typical plan: classes for a month in NYC at NYU, then travel a bit, then stay on Long Island with family friends. Typical summer, nothing too exciting for me. I also had the mentality of a college student who was on break- aka I wanted to party like the world was ending. Luckily for me, one of my best friends (who I would later stay with in California) was staying with me and she had the coolest friends ever. This was probably the first time we were bonding for over a week and we definitely bonded. She and I are eerily similar, in our thought processes and desires, and it was great to have her be my roommate for the month of June. She taught me to look at myself from an outside perspective, and even during that first month I started to fix myself a little and grow properly.
During that first month I also partied, which is an understatement. I met this wonderful group of friends through her and we partied day and night and day and night. To the point where by the third day of hanging out with these people it felt like I had known them for ages. They spoke to us as if we were on their level and I didn’t feel younger or less experienced- I was growing with them in a way I hadn’t before, due to lack of older siblings in my household/lack of cousins in the USA. It was amazing! I got to experience bars and clubs in daytime and night-time setting, did chill activities when we got too tired of the party scene, and went back full blast! I also don’t drink (personal choice) and they were the easiest people to be around no matter how drunk they were (which is the case with most of my friends- I love it and when I do start, I know I can trust them too :) ).
Towards the end of my month with her, my friends came back from abroad and I realized I also couldn’t be separated by more than a month from her so she suggested I visit California. After a spontaneous decision and two hours of intense stress later, I had my flight booked for two days after returning from the Bahamas! I was also able to make plans to stay with a friend on Staten Island.
At this point in time, it all just seemed like fun. In the Bahamas we swam (A LOT), clubbed once or twice, swam with dolphins, snorkeled, rode jet-skiis, etc. I wouldn’t have had it any other way, the amount of relaxation definitely more than made up for the extra month of classes. The crystal clear blue water won’t be rivaled by anywhere else I visit north of the Bahamas, and my family friends are the best so my vacation was perfect. Two days later I was in the city, and then I was on my way to California! That was one heck of an amazing adventure. Not only was it amazing staying with her and her family, we saw all of California and the coast. It’s actually an amazing place to grow up in. I completely understand why Californians don’t want to leave their home state. We went to Disneyland and saw World of Color…that show was the best experience in my entire California trip. It probably summed up my entire life into one show.
After California (I came back first class! Thank you miles) I was slightly upset because I didn’t feel entirely settled with myself, despite the huge progress in Cali. My friend in Staten Island wanted me to stay with her at her place, so a few days later I was in Staten Island! This was chill as well, relaxing in bed and doing almost nothing besides a friend’s arangetram and getting back to my Tamil roots with karaoke and movies. We also had one crazy night in the city when we attempted to go clubbing but our friend got too sick and we ended up at the hospital instead. Typical college night right? However, with this group of people the oveall experience wasn’t stressful and we were all calm and great at handling it. This is why I truly love her Staten Island friends as well. It was a great trip and she’s someone who I can just do things with so it was perfect.
August was time to finally go back to Long Island, but a surprise opportunity presented itself when I got to work in the Hamptons at a boutique with a good friend. Our drives out early in the morning, the beach and the store, all of Main Street with the beach air, that was summer at its best on Long Island. I stayed with her one weekend after work was over and then we moved her and her roommate (the one I stayed with in Cali) into FIT in a LIMO thanks to my wonderful family friends. Picking her up from the airport to surprise her was the best, seeing the look on her face is why I do things like that.
Documenting my time this summer reminds me of how much of it I was alone, and how much I was with friends. It gave me a perfect balance away from the pressures of parents; the ability to manipulate my own money to travel was priceless, and using everything wisely, including my brain power and thoughts, helped me develop into a better person to ready myself for junior year of college.
- Impact
You know when one person just makes you light up, from the inside out? I’m not talking about that romantic gushy feeling, which can sometimes become cloying and unnecessary. I’m talking about that one friendship, the one that not only makes you happy, but one that makes you feel happy to be alive. The one that makes you feel worth it.
I met this girl, she’s younger than me by a year but you’d never know it. She’s…how do I put this…she’s me. But a better version of me. By looking at her I know exactly how I want to be. She’s an inspiration and someone I can’t get enough time with, can’t fill my days enough with. Why? Because her laugh is adorable and her smile as wide as the sky. Her words are sincere and honest, no matter what, and she knows how to make any unwanted feelings disappear. Because her music taste is almost like a drug to me and so is her energy, it fills you up to the point where all you want to do is make something of yourself, be a better person, but in the least cliché way as possible. She’s one of those people who will truly step into your life and leave a handprint on your heart because she’ll change you for the better. She’s ambitious and driven and knows almost exactly what she wants in any situation; her irrationality always has rationale behind it. You look at her and the first thing you’ll notice are her eyes, not because they’re big but because they’re full of inquisitiveness, and she’s so eager to learn that it just spurs you on to learn. She’s one of those people who I feel like enters everyone’s lives and even if it was fleeting, they’ll remember her because she has that much of a positive impact.
I suppose I sound like a teenager who has just met her first best friend or even a boy who has found his first crush. And it’s funny, I’m blessed enough to have the sort of close friendship with her where I actually can act giddy and stupid and she won’t judge me for it because she knows how I really am. In fact, this girl knows me better than I know myself. Sure tons of other friends make me happy, and can make me life, but only this girl knows how to make my smile reflect in my eyes, everytime.One day when someone makes her worry that she doesn’t make him/her happy, I’m going to show her this.
It’s literally been two weeks, but it has felt like my entire life. Here’s to probably the greatest friendship and person I’m ever going to find.
- Equality
Before I begin, I should ask pardon from anyone who is offended by this. But then again, I don’t really care.
North Carolina (or certain people within it), on May 8, 2012, decided to ban same-sex marriage. Now, everyone in NYU is angered by this. We tend to be a more liberal school. Or at least that’s the excuse conservative people give us for our mentality. Now let me ask this.
If one is conservative in his or her views, does that allow him or her to not allow people to be equal? Just so all of you “conservative” people know, same-sex attraction is something people are born with, they don’t choose it for fun. And they like it. Does anyone stop you from divorcing, from having sex with more than two people in a night, or from dating multiple people? No. So don’t talk about sanction of marriage, because that’s long gone in today’s modern society.
Secondly, certain people in North Carolina said they banned it for religious influences on their law. “We are not anti-gay, we are pro-marriage,” she said. “And the point — the whole point — is simply that you don’t rewrite the nature of God’s design for marriage based on the demands of a group of adults.”
First off, where the heck did separation of church and state disappear to? Laws should be governed by people, not by God. Yes, religion dictates the ethics and morals of different people if they choose to follow it, but laws that are meant for a society means that the law should accomodate everyone’s wishes who follow different religions or none at all. And who says a society can’t be ethical without putting God behind it? Atheist people are just as ethical as religious people, and that’s coming from someone who is semi- religious.
Furthermore, banning? Are we in the 16th or the 21st?
And last but not least, same- sex marriage doesn’t affect anyone except the two people who are going to be in that union. Just like the way hetero-sexual marriages are. There is literally nothing wrong with it. If one feels personally affected by same-sex marriages then he or she must identify with gay or lesbian people themselves and once again, there is nothing wrong with that.
I know an argument that conservative people will bring up is the fact that I do not openly advocate for gay rights and have poster boards and run around screaming about it. That’s because I advocate peace, and doing such protest things for gay and lesbian people will only make them more different and less accepted by society. You don’t see people running around and protesting for straight rights, right? At the end of the day, you have to look at the two sides. Is being against same-sex marriage really going to do anything for you? If you just let everyone be, not only is that naturally less problematic, but your society will remain the same, if not happier. Also, if you’re one of those who still find it weird, pardon my colloquialism and man up. It’s a modern society. If you can adopt to having iPhones and the latest technology, to having new presidents and new government members, then you can accept this. And to those of you in NC who did not vote for this “ban”, kudos to you. Show people how to live.
Equality for all.
- NYC
NYC
So you think you love NYC?
That should be a game show, a game show where you get to be bombarded with pictures and names and lights and cabs and rooftops and skylines and tourists, so many tourists, and be completely overwhelmed and yet so excited about everything at the same time and you get to walk fast and talk fast and breathe in pollution and culture and music and under your feet the subways get to rumble and you hear construction going on 24/7 and you walk the Brooklyn Bridge at night and take that unknown subway route to explore something you could keep exploring and you get to eat more food from more cultures than you could ever imagine and let the food sink into your tastebuds and that sensation mixed with all the others will make you explode with love.
I’ve never fully expressed my sentiments on the wonderful, magical, heavenly place called NYC. I’ve never expressed the true joy I feel living here, the way I actually feel alive and okay with who I am and the world around me. Whatever problems I have, they’re never here because it’s nearly impossible for this place to ever bore me. My favorite part of living in NYC is coming home close to sunrise with heels swinging in my hand and laughing at the late hour, going out for dinner, becoming a tourist in our own city- going shopping and exploring in Times Square, holding hands in West Village and venturing into open, empty art galleries, being part of something so much bigger than myself and feeling completely okay with it. Not having anyone know who I am, but rather attempt to get to know me (so my pet peeve of people make false assumptions about me is literally nonexistent). Essentially, I love everything and I don’t know how I lived anywhere else.
College is filled with crazy nights, spontaneous activities, partying until feet are numb, cramming work in, and horrible nutrition. I have lucked out by having the greatest friends anyone can in college, and having the time of my life.
It’s raining right now, with the drops washing away the last dregs of coffee and conversation around me. And I couldn’t be happier. Granted, there are people that I miss more than anything but the city is crucial in getting me through all of that, and they’ll soon be home. It’s a general consensus with everyone who returns to the city after being away, even after being in a suburb they spent their whole life in when they see that city skyline on the horizon, everyone smiles and knows that they are home.
- Begin
And once again, I’m asking for a new beginning.
You’d think someone doesn’t get this many chances in life- to do things, go places, and start all over. While I can’t completely reinvent myself and start with a new face, name, and personality, I’m quite okay with that. Starting again means dealing with the consequences of the ashes of the mistakes from the past, the smog that still hovers over me as I move past those mistakes, and making the air cleaner as I learn and move on, so to speak.
I’m one lucky girl…woman? I’m still fine, living comfortably, and although every situation isn’t by any means ideal, I’m glad to not have to worry about little everyday hardships and just have to deal with things in general, which can be tackled one little part at a time. I’ve gotten chances that I never knew existed, or could exist, for me. And I’m still going.
So here goes. This blog will entail thoughts, bucket lists, and will document the rest of my life. No more erasing. I will create a tumblr again, but rather than annoy my followers with long ramblings from my brain which I will reserve (and cut down) for this space, I’ll simply follow other blogs that interest me and do all writing, all thinking, here.
- New Sites.
