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October 04, 08:09 PM
we've thrown around compliments all our lives - "i want to be smart like you," "how are you so smart?" "god you're such a genius." first it seemed to be based off just doing well at school, performing well on tests, getting straight A's. gradually 'being smart' became less and less associated with grades, though (since who really knows each other's grades after a certain point in our lives?). it wasn't the achievements either - sure, they'd get people praising, but they didn't merit 'smart', they just got "wow, you're good at ____."
what is being intelligent, really? let's take a definition:
in·tel·li·gent /ɪnˈtɛlɪdʒənt/ (adj) - having good understanding or a high mental capacity; quick to comprehend
obviously as a cognitive science/psychology college student, this definition is highly problematic (high mental capacity? this is a whole other realm to define). people have tried to measure intelligence with IQ tests, higher brain activity, and so much more, which isn't so much of a problem to me. yes, going by this definition, being able to solve IQ test problems more quickly would insinuate faster comprehension, faster mind clockwork. but there comes a moment in life (read: after high school) when those moments where spitting out answers to math problems or finding the next sequence of a pattern don't come as easily, and people are left using 'smart' or 'intelligent' for the wrong reasons.
from day one and still, in my third year of college, i've found it's the talking, it's the opinions, it's the confidence that people have decided to garner intelligence from. find yourself in the middle of a debate with a smooth talker with a battlefield of encyclopedic knowledge (or bs? it's just the same, as long as it 'sounds smart') to back him up, and you're left with nothing to say except that you just wish you could be as 'smart', as 'intelligent.' there are so many people who appear to be smart because they exude this confidence that screams that they are; they want you to make damn sure you know that they know some stuff, whether you are at that level or not.
and again, this is great for all those extroverted people who are sure of themselves, and who can give off a vibe of being so confident even if they're wrong (the most dangerous kind), but where does that leave someone like me? someone a little too careful with her words, too careful to form opinions and opening her mouth before being real sure, someone too likely to give chances to the opposite side, someone who knows enough but can't seem to formulate into quick, snappy words enough to carry her point across. basically, someone who is lacking that confidence to tell you she's smart enough. maybe not smart, but smart enough to take part.
i read (some of) the invisible gorilla this summer & my favorite chapter was on precisely this - why do we trust and respect confident people more? why do we prefer doctors who speak confidently in a diagnosis rather than a more cautious one that's not afraid to double check a reference book? why are we so tied up in illusion of self-confidence, that anyone who knows something must be sure?
don't think that the loudest ones are the only ones to be heard.
photo | maxwell tomlinson ; flickr
September 22, 08:04 PM
i used to think i was mature. i don't know what i was thinking; maybe because the people who i thought knew me best would always tell me so, or maybe i just wanted to believe so much that i was more rational and better at decision making than the rest. it wasn't so much that i made the right choices, but i thought i knew right from wrong, i thought i knew when i was being irrational, i thought i was doing the best i could for myself and the people i loved.
now i'm a day from turning twenty. i can't call myself anything but a real adult now, and although the fullest privileges of drinking and clubbing and what not are still a year away, i don't have that "teen" suffix to my age anymore to account for my stupid mistakes. and never have i felt younger than i have now. i feel my brain moving in retrograde as i try to catch up to a culture and a language i had no idea of while slowly losing everything about the other in the process. my vocabulary is shrinking. i don't write anymore. i want to catch up to so many things but i can't keep everything else, since a brain is a finite thing - i can't buy myself more memory.
not to mention i am still such a brat. who wouldn't know that i was the youngest child? everything i do is because i want it. have i ever really been selfless? (has anyone? but that's irrelevant right now). more than that, have i ever really wanted to? have i really thought about anyone else's perspective, or do i just bitch on and on in my blog about how this tiny portion of my life sucks when everything else is so so good?
i hope today in the last day of my teens i will finally realize that i am lucky. not even the fact that i am well off, at a good school, with a supportive family and great friends, but i still have the will to keep going and i haven't given up yet no matter how degraded i may feel, no matter how much my own perception of myself has tanked. i need to be positive, and let others know how grateful i am before i lose it all. most importantly i hope i will learn once and for all that independence and learning to be alone is not the same as maturity, and that learning to give someone my all is just as, if not even more important.
i have always thought you were young and naive but little did i know i was even more so. once again you show me that what i think i know isn't everything. thank you.
photo | look left and look right ; flickr
August 11, 11:12 PM
sigrid agren's dansk a/w feature. she's one of my favorites (bambi eyes and just an overall gorgeous face) even though a lot of people hate on her for being expressionless and boring looking and what not. hope this editorial proves them wrong
credit: fashiongonerogue
August 11, 09:22 PM
cheongsando island
when i planned(?) my month-long trip to korea this summer, i was hoping to escape seoul and go to busan or gwangju or one of the other big cities. unfortunately it ended up raining about 90% of the time i was there. during a(nother) somewhat rainy weekend, our family ended up taking a 2 day trip to wando (완도) & cheongsando (청산도) in jeollanam-do (전라남도), approximately a five hour drive from seoul. thankfully the weather was sunny, and the southern coast of korea was beautiful.
here are my really lame photos (i'm pretty sure any photos not taken on a dslr pretty much scream that they're bad quality)...may or may not have overcompensated through photoshop
sat 1:00 pm - first meal upon arrival was octopus in red pepper paste (can't really account for its taste).
sat 3:00 pm - took a cable car up to mount duryun (두륜산), found in haenam (해남), another region in jeollanam-do. it was as bad as it looks - stuffy, suffocating, too many people, like most places in seoul.
sat 3:30 pm - a tiny museum on the top of the mountain! apparently the region produces sweet potato wine (i really want to try it).
sat 3:35 pm - view on the top. very lush & peaceful. apparently on clear days you can see mount halla (한라산) in jejudo (제주도)!
sat 4:30 pm - a traditional primary temple. i love architectural details like these.
sat 4:40 pm - tiny buddhist monk figurines (seriously, so cute!)
sat 4:45 pm - inside the temple were a lot of elementary school kids learning chinese characters/hanja.
sat 6:30 pm - abalone from wando! they have good abalone because of their yummy seaweed and kelp (or so they told me).
sat 8:30 pm - the sun sets late...
sun 7:30 am - taking the ship out to cheongsando island. everyone on the boat was over 50 except me and my cousin, i swear. this korean boat (and many others) have "lounges" where loooots of people cramp into one room and even lie down and sleep.
sun 11:30 am - a view of cheongsando. it seriously felt like a resort, and there were barely any people there (only the smallest of tourists). the island's a cittaslow (slow city) & they had a slow road to connect villages all over the island (we were too lazy to walk it).
overall it was a really relaxing, gorgeous trip with nothing particularly touristy to look at, which made it all the better since seoul has the hoards of tourists anyway. i'd highly recommend cheongsando island to everyone (next time i want to try going during spring, when all the flowers have bloomed!)
June 11, 07:24 PM
you don't think of high school anymore.
you don't remember the time your crush drove you home, blasting ghetto music for kicks. you don't remember all the places you used to eat lunch. you don't remember the crazy shit you tried to pull off as fashion as a stupid freshman. you don't remember why picking a homecoming limo was such a big deal and why people threw hissy fits over it. you don't remember the reasons behind fallouts or why everyone bitched about each other so much. you don't remember hating high school, but you don't really remember liking it all that much either.
most of all, you don't remember why you were so insecure. teenagers all go through their phases but yours seemed unnecessarily overdramatic. you do remember writing in your yellow notebooks and on blogs here and there about all the things people said about you, nitpicking and finding too many things wrong with yourself, traits you tried too hard to fix that they just ended up fighting and staying, anyway. you decried your lack of experiences and hated "not having a life"; little did you know that you knew a lot more than you thought you did, did a lot more than you thought you did, and that all those times staying in your room taught you discipline, if anything.
you don't regret your insecurity, nor do you regret those nights of introspection. you are a bit curious how you got out of that teenage funk. you're three months away from becoming a real adult, no -teen stuck to your age. you know you're mature but you're scared to be mature by age, scared to know that now you are expected to be mature. you know you've improved but you don't think too much about it. in truth, you couldn't really describe yourself if you could. maybe that was it; you didn't dwell too much on all the things people said about you, all the judgments and expectations surrounding you, and you just let it float right on. or maybe it was the people you started surrounding yourself with, people who didn't degrade you or make you feel awkward, people who were accepting of all your flaws.
that, coupled with the realization that everyone, really everyone has his or her own problems, is enough to make it through.
photo | ellie ▲ ; flickr
photo | ellie ▲ ; flickr
June 06, 06:44 PM
a new york uppity hipster mentions that he's listening to fenix tx ("they're old, you've probably never heard of them"). allister is playing in the locker room. i look up from my bike machine to see eisley playing on mtvu. taking back sunday is having a concert in my dream; i barely recognize the melody but find myself mouthing the words unconsciously.
these past few weeks i've been bombarded with music of years past, bands that i would religiously listen to in middle/high school but have long forgotten about now (and i'm surprised other people haven't forgotten about them either - most were, at best, mediocre). there were the mornings eating breakfast before zero period devouring my issue of ap magazine. i'd proudly wear my band shirts and almost instantly harbored crushes on the boys who'd recognize them. i was always recommending "underrated" bands to my friends (though looking back, they were all pretty overrated since emo/post-hardcore/alternative was trendy among teenagers back then, just like now it's all about electro or indie folk or whatever).
the point is, i loved music like crazy back then. i was a judgmental snotty prick for sure, but i actively looked for new music, new bands, new sounds to fuel my fire. i wondered what i'd end up listening to in five years, if i would still be into the same music then, if the scene would still exist in the future (it does! sort of.) of course, my music tastes have now changed to korean ballads and bad top 40, and revisiting new songs from all those older bands is just not the same (have they gotten worse, or has my taste just changed?). but listening to old favorites, the songs that captivated my heart, the lyrics that perfectly encapsulated what i was feeling in a way that only emo music can to a young, immature teenager, the bass lines that i could instantly identify riff per riff - even years afterward, i still recognize every beat, every word, and my audiophilic heart melts bit by bit.
i think this is what they call nostalgia.
playing | "play crack the sky" - brand new
photo | pearled ; flickr
April 29, 03:24 PM
it's funny how aspects of yourself manifest that you didn't even know existed. or traits that you knew you had, but that you didn't think were original or out of the blue in any way at all. only when someone different shows up do those traits start to distinguish themselves.
is it a highly american thing to believe in "free will"? not in the kind of free will as in free will vs. fate, free will vs. a higher power, a god, but the kind of free will where one believes that it's entirely another person's decision whether he wants to do something or not and who am i to persuade him one way or another? in one way it is so american, to accept and embrace the individual, but on the other hand considering our consumerist society, nothing is entirely our own decision, isn't it?
american or not, this belief in "free will" has apparently been embodied in me since who knows how long. the idea of pressuring someone into something, even just persuading someone or anything beyond the means of just asking them is too much for me. the idea that this person could be doing me a favor out of guilt, that it will all turn over in the end when they blame me for anything wrong, the fact that i'm now placed in this weaker position because i so desperately need them there is something i am incredibly afraid of.
but then you think about it on the flip side. what if you have the slightest intention? what if you kindofwanttodoit but no one seems to care that you do or don't, which in turn makes you feel unwanted and you blow a giant fuck you in their faces and walk off? it's this need of balance in the world where humans need attention from others, constantly, always, every single person and don't you dare deny it, but too much is just overbearing. where is that thin line?
photo | zuru1024 ; flickr
February 23, 02:04 AM
"Bangs manes bouffants beehives Beatle caps butter faces brush-on lashes decal eyes puffy sweaters French thrust bras flailing leather blue jeans stretch pants stretch jeans honeydew bottoms eclair shanks elf boots ballerinas Knight slippers, hundreds of them, these flaming little buds, bobbing and screaming, rocketing around inside the Academy of Music Theater underneath that vast old mouldering cherub done up there - aren't they super-marvelous!"
quote | "girl of the year" by tom wolfe
photo | baby jane on SHOW magazine
February 17, 02:39 AM
We think we are all alone.
We think we are the only ones going through our struggles. We think no one could possibly understand, or commiserate, or give salient advice, since no one has been in our shoes. And this is true. We are not you, and you are not us, but nevertheless we are humans one & the same & chances are, we haven't gone what you've gone through - but we've been very darn close.
So it's a wonder (really, a wonder, no sarcasm intended) why we barely reach out. Why sharing too much is a bad thing. Why sharing too little is a bad thing. Why not talking is not enough. Why overtalking is too much. Why we know deep inside we've all felt the loneliness hit us, but when someone else is hit with the same we don't bother to assuage. Why is it that we convince ourselves night & day that we are the only ones, & sink ourselves into a downward spiral because we are the only one, woe is me, the only one?
You tell yourself constantly that if you fix this, this, & that, your life will be patched up & be as good as new. You tell yourself that if you just start over, maybe with a whole pack of new people, you will fare much better. And maybe you have, maybe you haven't. But you still run into these days where that passage of time has nothing good to you at all & you still feel the same loneliness. The knowledge that you know multiple, hundreds, thousands of people are out there that are just like you, that can relate to you, that can get along great with you, yet you still can't get down the magic trick of crossing the bar & getting to the level you want.
So you still fare alone. You walk alone, you listen to your iPod alone, & in the end you rant alone. Knowing that there are so many people right now doing the same.
photo | Inès ☆ ; flickr
February 13, 04:36 AM
"fur sunglasses": quickly making its way to the (most overrated?) fashion buzz term of the year
photo | a wang fw 11/12 ; knight cat
February 07, 04:28 AM
Anyone reading this blog can tell how obsessed I am with weather. Good news: today marked 75 degrees in good old Berkeley. 75! This doesn't even happen in the dead of July. It was nice to feel the sweat walking to the library today.
Do you know that feeling where you know something absolutely horrible is going to happen, something you dread with all your body, something you've been dreading so much that when it finally happens, instead of feeling even worse you end up feeling a huge wash of relief? It's kind of backwards, I know, but it feels just like when you wait for some day that you know will be amazing but it turns out to be a couple of hours that fly by? The waiting is usually better than the actual thing you've been waiting for, and the dreading is always worse than when the damn thing actually happens. So stop hesitating and dreading and get it over with! Trust you won't regret it.
I just pounded out an essay that I really didn't feel like writing, and it makes me wonder if writing when you don't want to actually does help the process. I'm not sure if a giant slab of mismatched words is nothing at all. I'm a proponent of minimalism and purity and if possible, I I usually approach writing with a "every word needs to be impeccable or I will delete it in an instant" view. It's certainly not the healthiest of approaches, since I ended up writing a sentence at most and throwing the piece out. So it's times like this when I'm forced to write that I end up pushing and pushing until I throw up a bunch of garbled mush, and I am just never satisfied.
This weekend there were a slew of stores on Telegraph Avenue that closed down and/or opened, and I'm noticing that Berkeley is really loving a) Thai food (really though, two Thai places right next to each other?) & b) dessert. I'm guaranteeing that when Pinkberry finally opens there will be a mad line outside almost rivaling Cream's (the Diddy Riese clone).
On a final note, I feel like I'm the only person who doesn't have a friend in every single one of their classes. I mean, is this unusual? I used to think making friends in classes were impossible, which it still might be, except that I am usually the only person in lecture Facebooking on my iPod while everyone else is chatting with each other. Maybe I just give off a cold demeanor (quite possible). People tell me I am unapproachable and scary but I don't know how to fix this. I warm up to people, not the other way around.
photo | alison scarpulla ; flickr
January 18, 01:44 AM
Today I wore shorts.
Today I wore my most comfortable denim shorts in the middle of January in a place other than Southern California, a thing that I never even ventured to do in LA & it was a wonderful, blessed thing. Sure, I shivered a bit with only a light leather jacket on, but I still wore shorts. In the winter.
Google tells me Berkeley is going to be in the 60s all week & I couldn't be happier. Bare legs, perhaps? And not the slightest chance of rain? I always tell myself that I could, maybe I would be able to survive in Manhattan or Boston or Chicago or Seattle or even San Francisco but every time I end up there on a less than warm day I freeze up & say curses. A true bred LA girl, indeed.
And the weirdest thing, yet the loveliest thing here is how warm it gets in the winters after a chilly, breezy summer. Solid weather year-round. I could go on & on about it.
photo | kid_curry ; flickr
January 10, 04:27 PM
my favorite fashion editor personality.
credit: stylesightings, stockholm street style, citizen couture, sartorialist, refinery29, streetpeeper, tfs
April 29, 02:54 PM
I am of a severe minority that thinks winter breaks should be two to three weeks, tops. I'm certainly not championing more school but by the time New Year's is over & everyone's back to their day jobs & most UCs are back starting winter quarter, us semester kids are left with very little to do. Plus a month is quite an awkward time to take up an internship or learn some computer skill that us "ambitious" college students imagine ourselves doing in a very productive break. I, for one, envisioned a rewarding couple of weeks teaching myself CSS or Illustrator, along with finishing that meme I so easily gave up.
Of course, my winter break has instead been fueled by shopping every other day (& I do mean every other day), watching too many dramas & movies to count, & being freakishly up to date on catching up with my Google Reader. I'm pretty sure...no I am completely positive that my friends think I have avoidance issues since I have a tendency to not answer the phone & say we should meet without ever following through, which actually isn't so much avoidance as it is laziness. Really though, they are persistent little snots who will knock on my door until I get dressed & come out so it works out in the end (love you guys, because I know one of you is reading this).
On another note, my blog is having another identity crisis as I struggle with what to write about. I know most of my posts have been 500 words too long, rambling about this & that & it's so much that even I don't want to read it a second time, much less anyone else. That said I squirm at the thought of making this a photo-laden blog, mostly because I take mediocre photos & I don't pass by that many pretty places anyway (do the Christmas lights at the sorority next door count?). I don't have anything particular to offer in the fashion department; while I am an avid consumer & lusting after designer brands, my actual style is pretty college student standard. As for my music taste, it has squeezed itself down to US & Korean pop hits churned out of an industry mill.
The point is I have nothing of expertise to offer, really, which is quite a beautiful thing since it means I can do pretty much any old thing. My blog can be a smattering of whatever the hell I want. I don't think I kept this in mind last year when I wrote much less frequently but much more in depth, keeping in time with the introspective writing that I love so much. But considering I don't have many more online outlets anymore, I might as well use this for anything requiring more than 20 words. Hopefully this means more posts.
And so I'll start now:
+ As I've already mentioned I've been shopping nonstop. I can't wait to wear this chiffon dress (mine's in green/teal & much much prettier, if I may) which also comes with a slip that I'm hoping I can wear with other things as well. I also finally found the perfect light denim shorts from Zara (in winter? of course) & the only imperative thing left to get for now is a cream silk blouse (good luck, self).
+ I spent the last couple of hours compiling various eateries & thrift stores I wanted to check out in various neighborhoods of SF. First stop, the Mission (I can't believe I haven't been there for the past year and a half...you know, for living so close to the city, most everyone I know only goes to Union Square, Ghiradelli, and/or Pier 39 over & over, me included. NO MORE) where I can stuff myself with a solid Mission burrito (if I don't have Del Taco first). Also can't forget Haight-Ashbury, where I've been meaning to go for forever but had no one to go with. Now I know just who to drag there.
+ I cleaned out my iTunes yesterday (hard drive, say thank you) & did the requisite "check up on new music" routine & came up with very little. Apparently I missed a Rooney album that came out last year. Downloaded the Yeasayer album & the Dom EP. But I don't know, all I have is "Top of the World" on repeat (I really like Dev & The Cataracs together, and it's tragic that they're so overlooked despite "Like a G6"). Even kpop is boring me & that's saying something.
+ Since I have written a sufficient amount for my first clusterfuck of a blog post this year, I'll end this here. Oh, I've cleaned out & updated my blogroll, plus I added the comment feature for kicks. Here's to much more unorganized updating!
photo | wailintse ; flickr
January 07, 11:10 PM
Only a handful of hours left until 2011 (which some people are touting as the start of a new decade...um, no), then it's January & time is going to start warping into hyperspeed again.
So after days of taking out & adding new resolutions, here's my final list of goals going into the new year...
- Get an A or A- average spring semester.
- Take handwritten (not typed) notes in class.
- Update all my blogs regularly (especially this one).
- Build up Adobe CS & web design skills.
- Find my direction in life (...oh)
- Be more involved in CKS & Bare.
- Find a part-time job or internship for the summer.
- Hone Korean speaking skills.
- Stay positive & keep looking forward.
- Don't be so nosy.
- Stop eating so much in one sitting.
- Clean right away.
- Follow Fashion Week.
- Document outfits every day.
- Go thrift shopping more often.
- Wear heels more.
- Explore SF/East Bay every other week.
- Watch classic movies at the Media Resources Center.
All in all a very typical lengthy list of resolutions, of which I expect to keep about half. Actually it won't even feel like a new year until I go back to school & start all over, which is when I have to get out of my hibernation blanket burrito state & start being an active human being again. And less than two weeks it is...
So it's time to get ready, have a couple more drama marathons & sleep until noon, & revise my schedule on Telebears so many times that I end up waitlisted for every single class of mine.
photo | ayco311 ; flickr
December 31, 02:48 AM
DAY 17: Look back on this last year and talk about it.
I skipped a good 14 days on this meme (maybe I'll get back to it sometime, emphasis on the maybe) but considering I write about a good portion of those prompts anyway, it's no matter that I gave it up.
And so here approaches the last few days of 2010. I haven't reflected on a past year in a while; usually I'm stuck in a frenzy of changing and dreaming of the future, something that I am doing right now (of course) since I'm in the midst of a mental breakdown of "what am i doing with my future" "why do i give up on everything seemingly hard" "where am i going" & "what happened to good old life-goals-totally-set carolyn." This cycle of making and revamping the same old resolutions every year is completely pointless, so some much needed reflection is underway.
2010...
- I became way way more "Korean" so to say, which clearly had no impact on my "2nd generation" pronunciation but my eyes don't glaze over long paragraphs of Korean plus I know a lot more slang than I wish to. Not to mention a lot of society/cultural/political news, thank you CKS.
- I got a lot of mediocre grades. This is probably 50% not going to lecture, 30% laziness, and only about 20% me being stupid. Still disappointing.
- I read a lot more fashion blogs this year. Went through ring & shoe phases. Cut my hair into blunt bangs.
- I had multiple identity crises, college major & minor changes, & lots of stressing out about the future.
- I weaned myself off the internet a little. A little.
- I spent way too much money on karaoke.
- I was too uninvolved in the things I was involved in (does this even make sense?)
- I travelled alone for the first time.
- I started vacancied & blogged pretty consistently on an unread blog, albeit giving up my dead horse creative fiction writing attempts.
And that's it. An all-in-all okay year, but I'm jumping at the prospect of the new & shiny, aka 2011, but talk of the new shall come tomorrow. Here's to the last day of 2010.
photo | beverly e. ; flickr
December 18, 03:50 AM
DAY 3: Pick a song that projects the same mood as your day or week & explain.
"High High" - G-Dragon & T.O.P
I only can dream of wishing that this song reflected my day/week (crazy extravagant parties in Seoul, yes please?) but no, unfortunately the only reasons I chose this were that a) I repeated this nonstop in the library while studying for finals & b) there are just no legitimate songs about studying, plus that would make for a really lame entry.
I know this has nothing to do with my 'mood', but I am nothing short of obsessed with this music video, in both good & bad ways. I haven't replayed a MV that much in a while, especially when there's no catchy choreography to accompany it. It isn't just because GD & T.O.P are ridiculously good looking, or the fact that I've been cooped up in an underground library the entire week wanting out. The thing that really gets me about this video (& hence song too, in a sense) is how cool Korea has gotten - or rather, how that "cool" is portrayed.
I'm not sure if it's this built-in ethnic stereotype that I have being born & bred as an American, or the fact that Korea has a conservative image that it usually upholds (because it is conservative, compared to other Westernized countries) but this song is just so BAMF & shoves all the swag of YG Entertainment up in our faces. I don't really see Korea having a problem with this song or video (I'm amused at the number of Youtube comments fighting over whether "high high" means smoking weed: even if it were, those who knew the reference wouldn't care, & the rest would be too blind to see it) but the problem I see in it (& maybe just me) is the blatant Westernization of it all.
Come on. It would've already been enough Westernization to go around just filming a club, any club in Korea, but they picked foreigner-central Itaewon for a reason. It looks like GD, T.O.P & a handful of his friends crashed a NYC club, since evidently they're the only Koreans/Asians getting screentime. And not only are the foreigners not Korean or Asian, they're all white. Yeah, more of the same "you need to be white to be cool." I'm being so indignant about this because I can't stand that after the 20th or so time I rewatched this, I felt like maybe I needed to be white to even try to hang out with the likes of Big Bang. And that's just fucking ridiculous.
Listen, Korea is cool enough as it is. Koreans know how to party & hold their liquor &...oh please. I am just disappointed that I have to rail against fellow Koreans for perpetuating a "I want to be white" mentality. As catchy as I think this song is (& as much as I adore everything else about this video), I can't help but feel let down.
(And yes, I realize this has nothing to do with what the meme asked but I need to keep moving on to finish before 2011. Goals goals goals.)
video | "high high" mv ; youtube
December 17, 06:04 PM
DAY 2: Where have you been spending your time lately? Three/five/ten years ago would you have expected to be there?
The precise answer to this question would be underground in Main Stacks (aka the library...) but that's a pretty boring answer (did I expect to be in a library ten years ago? Considering I planned to go to college I'd say yes) I'm going to go with a broader answer here.
It's already been 1 & 1/2 years that I've been at Berkeley, a place I swore I never ever ever wanted to be. My entire childhood I had dreams of the East Coast or the Midwest (anywhere but here), I had dreams of private school, I had dreams of perpetuating the white-washed environment I grew up in. Berkeley was none of those things. Not only was it an hour away by plane, it housed ridiculous numbers of Asians (apparently it's 45.7% now, a clear majority out of any ethnicity). The only college I dreaded more than Berkeley was UCLA, which had all the same characteristics and, as a spectacular cherry on top, was less than an hour away...by car (being a half hour drive away from home was, & still is, pretty much a god-awful nightmare).
Till the very last moment spring semester of senior year, I still had no dreams of going to Berkeley. My attitude had changed from nowayinhell to iguessifthatsthelastresort, but when it came down to it: Berkeley vs. Northwestern: I was championing Northwestern so, so much. It got to the point where I read their student newsmagazine every single morning and wrote pages & pages about how I wanted to go there so badly (dreams of Chicago, the L, the publications, the time difference).
In the end money was the deciding factor, as it usually is (people also tried to convince me by making a big deal out of the Chicago weather, which I guess I would've bitched about...a lot). I didn't have any big qualms over coming here, but time to time I still wonder what it would've been like to go to Northwestern. Not so much "would I be happier there?" but more like, "how different would my life be right now?"
Am I glad I am where I am now? So, so much. There are so many things I've discovered through all the different people I've met (super cheesy sentence but it can't be helped), so many different opportunities I've been given, and I've realized an hour plane ride is definitely far enough away from home. Yes, school is ridiculously hard (and more than the material itself being ridiculously hard, it is ridiculously hard to get /good grades/) and I am made to feel inferior every day by all the geniuses around me, but that's alright. My laziness needs a kick in the ass every so often so I can get to work (which should be right now, three days before my finals).
And so it goes. The 13-year-old self would've hated to see me be here at Berkeley, but teenagers are bratty blind beings anyway.
photo | southerncal88 ; flickr
December 31, 11:51 PM
(my first foray into polyvore, forgive me if it looks grotesque)
top: uo moustache socks ($8) & other cutesy knee highs; proenza schouler ps1 medium bag in black & brown ($1485); acne atacoma knockoffs ($38); antique typewriter; chanel nail polish in black satin, nouvelle vague, & gold lame ($25 each)
bottom: hi-tec c pens in .25 or .3 ($1 each); moleskine plain cahier journal kraft large ($12 for 3); vera wang princess eau de toilette ($27); lula magazine ($32); pierrot le fou dvd ($34); doc martens ($100)
December 17, 06:05 PM
I have been hunting for a while for a decent meme to do here, mainly because I'm lazy & need prompts & that's precisely what a meme provides. I finally found a somewhat decent one & whittled it down to 17 (coincides with the end of 2010 + a few leeway days & other excuses/reasons that really are just bullshit ways of saying no way am I going to divulge in social life on my public blog). Here's the whole meme for reference, and here we go.
DAY 1: Who are you? In comparison to who you used to be. What made you change?
I love answering this question. At one point in high school I was addicted to changing my Myspace about me every month, writing long paragraphs about how ~sassy~ I was (don't worry, I'm snorting at myself too). I know this makes me sound incredibly narcissistic or vain, which could be true, but it's more of the fact that it gives an appropriate forum for me to talk about myself, something I never do unless prompted to.
This question is asking how I've changed though, and suffice it to say that I don't really believe any of my defining characteristics have really changed. I talked about this briefly in a previous post; though my circumstances have changed greatly, my friends are completely new, & on the outside I am just so...so different, once words come tumbling out of my mouth (if they do, that is) you'll hear the same snide jokes, you'll get the same deflective answers, you'll see the same apathetic face.
It drives me up the wall when people assume that hanging out with different kinds of people or taking on new interests means you've "lost yourself" along the way, that this new place has messed with you. Maybe with others, but no, not me. Real change to me is if I were to become a nice conservative, outwardly polite Korean girl, one that's brash & throws obnoxious questions at strangers, but no. I'm still the same liberal girl too shy to ask for anything.
So yes, following your definition of change, I have changed. I have flipped 180 degrees, whole-heartedly embracing my ethnicity whereas I vehemently denied it to the core a couple years ago. I care about Korean current events, I follow their pop culture, I may have even Koreanized my fashion style a bit (blame pretty models & cheap clothes for that). And if that's deep down change to you, then so be it.
Moving on to the actual who are you part, I'll list this out like statistics on a baseball card (there's really no natural way to talk about yourself without looking like a douche). I am an INFP to the core. I'm a bit sensitive to criticism (not defensive, but sensitive) & have unreasonable expectations of others (part of why I just figure it best to not bother at all). I suck at debating with others. I don't talk about myself ever, to a point where you would have to pry out something pent up inside (after which everything just comes tumbling out). I use sarcasm as a sign of friendliness. I'm a cynic, I'm too honest, and I can't hide emotions from my face. I hate looking desperate or needy more than anything. I have a penchant for personal writing, clean typography, random lists, cheap clothes, fashion illustrations, memoirs, female rock, bad pop music, ethereal cinematography, & 90s romcoms. Basically I sound like every insecure indie wannabe 15 year old girl on Tumblr, an amusingly sad diagnosis on my part.
photo | posternaks ; flickr
November 18, 05:34 AM
i feel it coming.
it's been a while that i've felt like this - a sinking feeling of my greatest fear being proven over & over, served to me on a big platter of "i told you so," making me feel so aware of the lone footsteps & panting breath that follow me back home every night. mine, just mine.
yes, it's happening: detaching myself from anyone & everyone, going into winter hibernation. people that have, in reality, done nothing wrong, but my false perception of people caring, of people worrying over someone other than themselves, something i can't even do myself - people have hurt me, unsurprising because frankly, with my super high expectations, how couldn't i be hurt?
i know i'm being unreasonable, i know i have to take the first step, i know this, i know this. i know we as humans are insecure at heart, i know we want everyone to care for us before we start to open up & care for them. i know no one wants to be hurt, & opening up? being vulnerable? fastest track to heartache 101. so i know others' apathy shouldn't surprise me, but it still doesn't ease the pangs of sadness infused in anger whenever they greet me in half-hearted 'hi's. when they are visibly uneasy over my presence. when they are talking with me & we can both feel the tension. i get it, i'm overanalyzing every single detail, but the slight chance that it's really what they're thinking - that really, truly, they don't want me around - it's those small odds that bring me to this moment every time.
i get that i'm being foolish when i get disappointed that when i spend a day home alone i get no texts, no calls, no nothing. that when i see someone, anyone, they're always walking with someone else, have plans with someone else, while i, i'm alone. i know it's my fault (i would much rather have it be my fault) that i'm not the one who's reaching out, that i'm perfectly capable of asking others, that i could, i should learn to care first, & then people will follow. & i beg that it's my fault - that it's me, me because i'm not calling you first, not you because you really don't like me for me. & that's really the essence of the whole thing.
i feel it coming.
succumbing to the fact that it's easier to live in a closed off hermitlike shell, cutting off contact in fear that no one likes me for me, cares about me for me, wants me for me. because i hear you, you don't like how quietly i talk, how snarky and blunt and rude i am, how i wear my hair, how far i live. yes, it was good for a while, a temporary while, a while that gave me all the hope that this cycle could be over this time. yet here i am receding once again, maybe this time understanding the impact of being vulnerable first. reaching out first. being a friend first. but honestly, i don't know how strong i am to do that. because like you, like all of us, i put on a strong mean front but i, we are all broken inside.
so i may look pathetic to you, i may look weak, & you may not understand me. but i'll just sum it up with some lines from the hercules movie (because if a disney movie can understand me, why can't you?)
"sometimes, it's better to be alone."
"what do you mean?"
"nobody can hurt you."
playing | "moon over bourbon street" - winterplay
photo | autumnfingers ; flickr
November 18, 10:30 PM
do you ever wonder if you're the only one?
when you spend your wasted time envisioning a better life, placing yourself in circumstances. front row at your favorite concert. walking the halls of the louvre in silence. having your own column every month. living by yourself, free of all ties that have bogged you down. being where you wanted to be, being surrounded by all the opportunities you've ever wanted.
& finding that it just wasn't as special as it seemed.
you know you're not the only one.
it seems to you that everyone has a decent amount of friends circling them, somebody ready to hang out on a whim - as do you. but aside from the small number of outliers you can also perceive that these are just friends, not friends. people you could wake up & rant to any time at night. people you could bestow your greatest secrets to, & people who wouldn't change their attitude towards you because of it. people who you don't have to fear. above all, the one fucking word that haunts us all, people you can trust. you can see you're not the only one - there's plenty more of you where you came from.
so why, why are we still struggling? still searching? for more, for more?
something tangible, something true.
you know you're qualified, you know you can accomplish things in this world. you got in here, in fact, so there must be something decent, something worthy. you can churn out grades when you feel like (when you really...do...feel like), sure; never mind that other people can do it better. never mind that someone else can study better, suck up better, treat others better, sing better, dance better, write better, be better. you know you're alright, you know you're enough...
am i enough? enough to stop comparing? enough to stop the jealousy?
when worries surpass you.
it's those words repeated over & over again to you when you voice your concerns. why worry about the future? why dream up these big sequences in which every possible scenario will falter, go wrong? why think of failure, set yourself up failure? why, why, why not just live in the present? let things be?
because good things don't last.
because if i don't think of this now, i will crash & burn even harder when it does.
because i don't believe, it is so hard for me to believe, that happiness could just be.
November 05, 05:53 AM
when i fall, i fall hard.
i'm not just talking about friends or crushes (although i'm sure that applies, it just happens way less frequently). i mean all the things i love to do, the passions & hobbies i get swept up & consumed in. the bands i adore, the clubs i'm in, the mundane websites i browse through on late nights like these - i discover something i know i'll love, & it takes & eats up all of me. the prospect of something new, the prospect of change: i'll chase it time & time again.
the best (or worst) part of it all is how quickly i try to become an "expert" on whatever my new flavor of the week is. if i find a new artist i like i'll replay all their albums until i grow sick of them. i'll read old articles & dig through search results on the strangest of subjects. it's as if my mind wants to catalog every single piece of information right now. & so i get ahead of myself, spending hours & hours on this new "obsession" until i stumble onto the next.
perhaps this is why i've been called a poser before. i'm not fucking trying to be fake though, it's just that my mind speeds up & wants to drown itself in this temporary obsession in an incredibly short amount of time, i'll admit. it's not my know-it-all attitude (as if i'd have one) but the fact that i wish i'd become a know-it-all, becoming familiar with absolutely anything & everything there is to know. trying to become a sort of expert in a matter of days as if i had been familiar with it for a matter of years. & it's this characteristic of me that is worthy of embracing but a bit too dangerous at times.
recently, what with my new "let's embrace being korean" outlook, i've been so damn sensitive to any sort of criticism or judgment people lay on me. they call my 2nd generation accent "cute" but to me it just sounds like a euphemism for "you reek of fake." people correct my grammar & i want to hang my head in shame - i know they're just trying to help, but i can't help but to feel embarrassed & unworthy. i know i've spent the past 7 years denying my ethnicity to the core, but this sudden 180 degree obsession has made me so unreasonable.
at the same time i can feel those very people who've known me all along - the ones who know how white-washed i've been - judge me with discerning eyes for the complete opposite reason. coming to college & becoming super korean, posting korean statuses left & right & making all new korean friends means i'm trying too hard, being too fake - different accusations but underlying tones all the same.
what is it exactly that i want? to become suddenly 100% fluent? to give off a 1st generation image while completely ditching my true origin? i don't want any of that - that's not who i am. then what is it that i'm chasing? what is it that i am expecting? why is it that i hurt every time someone calls me out on being less than perfect? why do i take it to heart when i'm accused of being a tryhard, a wannabe, a fake?
it's more than disheartening when people don't understand that i'm still the same person inside, no matter how much my hobbies or interests change or no matter how much i try to change in general. i make the same snarky comments in whatever language with whatever people, i write the same kinds of entries, i bitch about the same things, i'm shy & play nice with the same strangers - no matter where i am or who i'm interacting with, i'm still the fucking same. it drives me crazy when people don't get that about me. that i love change more than anything (& i like it fast), but dig deeper & it's spelled out quite clearly that i'm still the same old slightly insecure reclusive snarky girl. & that is always going to stay the same.
playing | "pictures of success" - rilo kiley
photo | rafa castells ; flickr
October 29, 07:18 PM
sometimes i like being left alone. i don't want to talk to you, don't want to answer your nosy questions or try to salvage a dead conversation. i don't want to spill my secrets, don't want to open up & trust you - or anyone, for that matter. sometimes i want to stay at home all day & night, surrounded only by the voices leaking out of my itunes & characters on movie screens. sometimes i like walking alone, leaving myself to wander in my own thoughts. & sometimes, yes sometimes, i can't stand being around you for more than a few hours. i need me, just me, no one else - not you.
but then there are those days i wake up from a blast of chilliness breezing through the window. i curl up inside my blanket but it's not enough. my eyes squint at the time & it's too late, already afternoon, the day half gone. i unwillingly crawl out of bed & throw myself a mix of foods salvaged from the refrigerator & shove it down. i check my phone, my email, facebook, & there's nothing new. the world around me seems to be chattering away, talking & interacting with each other, leaving me behind to observe. i crack & break, sutures slowly unwinding as i feel this facade of embracing loneliness is becoming a lie, a lie.
i am someone who tries to embrace (& does succeed at) being alone. i wouldn't bitch & whine about being alone the entire weekend, finding company in books & movies & my own thoughts. i could learn to eat alone & cook alone, experimenting all kinds of dishes & being the sole tester. & i know how to love alone, not a flighty crush but loving myself, embracing every one of my flaws that i have dug up & found. i am not scared of myself. i don't fear knowing about what hidden subconscious nightmares i have inside, knowing i have perused & trashed every single one of them. i take personality quizzes with a half heart, knowing what i'll get since i know myself best.
so it's when i crawl out of my cave & see society's expectations of finding company in everything. maybe it's just america or the world at large, but we all try to be extroverts in every way possible. chattering on is not necessarily good but at least better than not talking & shying away in the background. meals must be had with friends or family, never alone. you see that old man at the restaurant saying table for one? everyone looks at him in pity, as if he has no one else, no company whatsoever who will eat with him. to society, to everyone, being alone is a bad, bad thing. & so we embrace love, finding company in a special someone, & we endorse marriage, being tied to someone else for the rest of your life. being alone, walking alone, watching movies alone, doing anything alone (except maybe going to the bathroom) is frowned upon.
& i hate that. don't you think we should embrace a little more of ourselves before running off to anyone else? i'm not talking about narcissism or vanity, but just the experience of being comfortable with ourselves & only ourselves. to spend several days doing everything on your own, knowing independence at its greatest - no depending whatsoever on any other human, but finding your own food, entertainment, & warmth...all alone. discovering what happiness is like on your own - not through loving someone else, not through great friendships - but anything that you can uncover yourself, through yourself.
i say this time & time again but we could all learn to embrace introspection a little more. knowing yourself before than & more than anyone else is one of the most powerful things we as humans can do. because just like you might be laughing at us introverts for loving to be alone, i laugh at you for not knowing about the one thing you've been stuck with the longest - all your life, even. because the only thing you can be sure of, the only thing life can promise is that you'll be with you for as long as you live. like the never-ending clingy bitch you are, you will never let go of you. you are never going to lose you, no matter how hard you may try. you will always be stuck with you.
so do you want to live & die in the arms of a stranger, or in the arms of your best friend?
playing | "sleep alone" - bat for lashes
photo | zuru1024 ; flickr
November 18, 05:10 AM
i've been going under, barely staying afloat in my own head full of negativity. sometimes letting myself sink into the jet black thoughts of "i can't do it, so what's the point", other times giving a measly half-assed kick just to say, just to prove "see, i knew i couldn't do it."
i remember reading an article in our high school newspaper about those kids in high school (note: i am one of these very people) who would say after every test, no matter what, that they "think they failed" & after they get their test back that clearly has a fat red A on it, they reiterate that they "really thought they were going to fail." apparently it has an actual name, impostor syndrome, & being the unchanging boring blogger that i am, i wrote about this exact thing two and a half years ago.
funny thing is, back then i think my naive (?) high school self didn't really get what impostor syndrome was beyond preparing one's self for bad results (i.e. telling yourself you can't do anything even though deep down inside you know you're going to come out fine). it really pales in comparison to how i've become now, how severe this...problem has been getting of feeling like an impostor, like i don't deserve to be here, even more so every day because i just haven't been trying.
it goes something like this. in high school, i was surrounded by people who had known me for 10+ years. these people knew i grew up as a quiet bookworm, they knew i did well in school, they expected results from me, and being the teenager i was, i cared about their opinions a lot more than my parents'. but moving on to college, here you are surrounded by so many people who have no idea what kind of person you are or were, who don't know if you're as 'smart' as they are or how you got into this school, really, & your parents are miles & miles away with their only power being nagging you through the phone, & you just start to lose perspective. you stop trying, but more than that you stop worrying.
because believe me, i have tried, but in such a half-hearted "here i am sitting at the library staring at my notes" kind of attempt that you could barely call it an effort. it's when the worrying & the guilt sinks in that i really sit down, concentrate, & don't look back. & that's what i've been missing all along.
beyond just school examples & metaphors, the negativity has infected everything. knocking everything down because it just "seems like a bad idea, "that i might "get hurt," all of these preconceived judgments & outcomes before i ever really do get hurt. not even feeling regret because i didn't even try to care in the first place. so again, making a life of days strung along by doing duties you "know" you have to do but see absolutely no reason as to why.
but all it takes is just one person, one person beyond your usual scope of nagging parents bickering about your grades, your life. all it takes is just one person to show you that you can & should rise up to the challenge every time, no questions asked. & so i relax, naturally floating up to the brim (much easier than i thought), pushing & kicking myself out of the black - finally being taught to swim.
car ma vie car mes joies
aujourd'hui, ça commence avec toi
(because my life, my joys
from today all begin with you)
playing | "non, je ne regrette rien" - edith piaf
photo | bonjour, lucia ; flickr
Posts
I want to be alone and I want people to notice me — both at the same time.
Thom Yorke (via thenocturnals)
Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect her to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect her to calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans. But that’s the thing. Love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it. What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it. Love isn’t her calming you down when you yell. It’s her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn’t her or him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable. It’s after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet her or him showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It’s not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it’s not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It’s her standing there, admitting she’s just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved. You’ve unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of anothers hands and saying, here. Do what you will. Mash it into a million pieces. Mash it into meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you in the first place. Just As long as you have it. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn’t cross. Because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It’s about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it’s a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling whole.
(via 24ribs)
You will never remember entire relationships, just moments, really specific moments and the way those moments made you feel and those altogether will be how you remember the relationship as a whole. It makes you think, doesn’t it? The idea that sometimes no one is ever really how you knew them, only how you imagined they were, in a sense, from what you chose to keep as memories.
There are some things about myself I can’t explain to anyone. There are some things I don’t understand at all. I can’t tell what I think about things or what I’m after. I don’t know what my strengths are or what I’m supposed to do about them. But if I start thinking about these things in too much detail the whole thing gets scary. And if I get scared I can only think about myself. I become really self-centered, and without meaning to, I hurt people. So I’m not such a wonderful human being.
Haruki Murakami (via danmariethekoala)
There are three ways you can get along with a girl: one, shut up and listen to what she has to say; two, tell her you like what she’s wearing; and three, treat her to really good food… If you do all that and still don’t get the results you want, better give up.
Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman (via dailymurakami)
People are strange: they are constantly angered by trivial things, but on a major matter like totally wasting their lives, they hardly seem to notice.
The Last Night of the Earth, Charles Bukowski (via adjectival)
Recent tracks
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All This Time by OneRepublic9 hours ago
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