THE DULL, ANTICLIMACTIC YET TIMELESS TALE OF SILVERLOCKS AND THE THREE AFRICAN ELEPHANTS
Once upon a time, there was a midget hermaphrodite named Silverlocks. He/she/it went for a stroll through a likely enchanted forest. Eventually she/he/it came upon a house. It/she/he knocked and, when no one answered, he/she/ just walked right in. We could stop the “story” right here and skip right to the moral: Trespassing is wrong. Not even because it could lead to life-threatening consequences so much as it’s just an invasive encroachment on one’s rights of privacy and property; so unless it’s an emergency, trespassers are untrustworthy. But no, we’re gonna continue the story because this monotonous, redundant, substance-lacking piece of fiction was no doubt designed to lull children to sleep.
Where were we? Ah yes…At the kitchen table, there were three plates of piping-hot, authentically Italian lasagna. Silverlocks was having cravings because she/it/he smoked a joint in the living room. So she/he/it tasted the serving on the first plate.
"This slice is too saucy!" It/he/she exclaimed.
So, she/it/he tasted the lasagna from the second plate.
"This slice is too cheesy," she/he/it said
So, he/it/she tasted the last plate.
"Ahhh, this end piece is just right," Silverlocks said happily and ate it all up like the selfish, pothead, break-in she/he/it was!
After that bitch/bastard had eaten the three huge pieces, even though only one tastes good, Silverlocks felt tired so walked back into the living room where there were three beanbag chairs. This home intruder plopped down into the first chair to rest that fat, lazy ass
"This chair is too sunken!" exclaimed the break-in.
So she/it/he sat in the second chair.
"This chair is leaking beans!" Whined the criminal.
So Silverlocks tried the last and smallest beanbag, sighing
“Ahhh, this one is just right,” But just as the creep settled down into it, he/she/it rolled out of it.
Silverlocks was exhausted (from being a morally reprehensible sub-human?) by this time, so went upstairs to the cryo-chamber that served as bedroom and lay down in the first hyper-sleep pod, but it was too small for the claustrophobic asshole. Then what’s-his/her/it’s-face lay in the second one, but the oxygen levels were too low. Then Silverlocks lay down in the third one and it was just right, albeit a tad cold. The despicable fuck fell right asleep.
While asleep, the homeowners returned. These owners happened to be three big, bejeweled, sentient, animatronic elephant roommates.
"Someone ate all the lasagna I cooked us!" growled the eldest.
"Someone’s been sitting in our beanbag chairs!" screeched the smallest.
They decided to look around some more and when they got upstairs to the bedroom, they found their cryogenic hyper-sleep chamber-pods had been tampered with.
"Someone’s been sleeping in our beds, too!" The female one gasped.
Just then, Silverlocks awoke, saw the three creatures, and screamed, “Holy bouncin’ fuckin’ shit goblins! I’m retarded!” The loser jumped up, ran out of the room, fell down the stairs, rolled out the front door and dragged his/her/itself into the woods.
The 3 elephants withheld comments.
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