Julio Cesar Duarte

I have no idea when it started. However it was well before I was born. And the end of it will go well past my life. The understanding of who we are. The medical advances to understand who we really are and that we have the technology and abilities to fix the crazy shit that sometimes happens. When we are born its genetics, but I so do believe there is so much more than that.  How can we evolve if its all based on genetics?  Think about it.

OK yes its all based on genetics.  But how can it be such a hurtful and lonely place sometimes as we figure out who we are...? We look to our parents, to our Mom and Dad. Some of us have to look at two sets of parents. Our Bio parents and the ones who raised us. Its such a hard thing to do.It matters to me upon no end that one of my best friends that I will ever have deals with that all the time. It's just a question of who the fuck are we?!!!!

It's today, right now. It hurts me so bad that while we all try to fix the world...Get jobs going again.  Lower gas prices. Let those fucked over by major banks keep their houses,  because it all costs so much.

But why, in this day do we all just accept change so much change and say YES lets do it. On the stuff that does not has to to do each of us. Then when it comes to us as a person and we look to say maybe its not man and woman marriage?  It was then.  And it will always be LOVE when it comes to Marriage.

OMFG, yup I am gay. Why in the fuck would I ever just get married to marry??? Do you think that who I would like to Marry--- knowing I am gay ---would ever take away from the what it means?

I am so scared of it. Marriage. Wow, when it happens for me just know peeps its not dating. Its not having a boyfriend. It's not anything more to do with me and that person. NOTHING to do with anyone else.

So why we progress as one, in an age and time when we so much ability to just look at humankind and say OK. Love it love. Who the FUCK cares what and who you are. It's Love.

Sex is not love.

Request line is now open!  Got music working on my blog!!!


Pretty sure I got music working on my blog. If someone can lemme know :-)  pa-lease with cheese =P
Of course its all Coldplay on the playlist right....

Well what a crazy weekend for me.  It's like someone gives me this rare set of china and what do i do, haha, I decide to break it.  I was in love with the idea of being in love. Because, who wouldn't be excited for that opportunity with you. I mean come on, yea you got some annoyances, but not many people can even come close to being giving off the charisma and character you do. I messed it all up by going back to what if, even after you graciously told me what was missing, the chemistry.  Wow didn't we have a ton of other things that worked well to be friends!?  We both know we did.  It was like this vicious cycle with me.  I was honestly scared that if I ever stopped telling you I love you every now and then you would naturally move on, growing distant slowly over time.  Its not  wrong its just how it happens with <some> friendships, eventually the chance exists that  naturally the friendship will grow to being too distant, and less and less interaction.  I wanted to do everything to not let that happen,. including saying that i love you more than anything.  Sure I do still.  Because what I was doing is thinking that i had to compare it to something. It's in perspective now, it was before, but not all the time.  I will never have a love(caring as a friend) for anyone else like I do for you, that's cause what made our friendship work was unique to each of us and how we are.   I used the word love interchangeably  with you to.  Love-like I am here for you, I am your friend I want you to be happy.  This is the love I have the most for you.  I don't need to worry about that all the times I did. It got so BIG so FAST in my head, it was all me. You have been pretty clear with were you stand since day one. I lost it all. And serves me right. It wasn't like it was the first time and we gave up after one little bump in the road.  Dammit lol.  I am really sorry. I should of done what I know and knew was right the entire time.  Take our friendship, value it to the highest, respect it and honor it. You know what is a perfect example of us going out clubbing like we have before.  We go together, we get inside, have fun dance with who ever, use the opportunity to be open and have fun, dance with others, let others talk to us, each doing our own thing but with the other nearby we went as friends we will leave as friends.  Then on the ride home I talk about this hot guy I danced with earlier, or you share that you met an old  friend just before leaving and you two danced, or he bought u some drinks, etc. I was so scared I would lose you that night and you would leave with someone else that night.  What if you did, looking after you as a friend and that being what you wanted you have every opportunity to be able to do that.  I FORGOT that I could too lol. Its not that I thought we were attached.  I was and am so afraid of rejection- but if you did anything like that I wasn't being rejected lol. Hell, each of us could date 3 different guys over the course of many months and you know what, through all that we each did, we would of still been smoking on your back patio, listening to music, watch The L word and sleeping on the couches. What we had was in NO WAY threatened by each of us doing our own thing when it came to dating, not dating, hooking up, etc  Somehow I thought if I could keep all that away, it would make our friendship last.  LOL.Truth is and you knew this the whole time, if we each had that to ourselves, actually we would of been able to add to our friendship.  Knowing that whatever shit happened as we go "out" into the world, we had a really good friend who had our back and was always there for the other. FUCK FUCK FUCK.  I am sorry it took me too long to get it.

I am hoping time can maybe fix this one...

Tonight I brought the last few days of learning OneNote together.  I was able to integrate separate aspects of the program and tie them all together to get the big picture and the designed functionality goal of Microsoft's intentions with this program.  Woot. I really really like this program.  It like the like button from FB. Or as MS puts it, keep tabs on your life. Well what else went right today?  ALL of it right down to my hair. Yea, I rocked the hotness today.  If I was someone else s hair today I would of wanted to have sex with my hair lol.  Yea it was that hot.  Well what else for today??  The biggest thing is it is coming together for Jordan, Desiree and I to find a nice house and get settled in.I am so excited for the next few days as we pick something out, and the next few weeks as we move and get settled in.  This is a really awesome time in my life right now.

Today's music was a band I found out about yesterday through my last fm and the friends I have made on there. Its quiet possibly the best music I have heard in the last few years.  Yea Yea I have said this before, but I never lie.  I do not understand how this band got past me.  Its really good.  Right now I am listening to: love, love, love (love, love) and the band is As Tall as Lions . Lets just say that I think they have 4 or 5 albums?  And I am only into about the 5th or 6th song of theirs.  If I can get past my compulsive repeat listenings I might have already heard more of their music lol.

The blog- this thing where you are right now-nope I am not happy yet.  The layout, colors, theme- I am not there yet.  I got some time set aside already in the next few days to take it to the next step.  I am happy with the progress, fitting this in when I can, but I am going balls to the wall for layout, the ability to blog less, but more often, the ability to intergrate features related to the specific time of day when viewed, so much to learn.  So much to come.

One example- you all should know music is my life.  I have no abilities that are above anything we all have when it comes to singing, composing, or playing an instrument, but i do know and really believe that music, more than anything else, listening to it, knowing about , i am not going to explain many different things it gives me, but i do know its my battery.  Anyways- the ability on my blog to always have at the top of the page a dynamic link.  The ability to change my music post without actually adding another post- that's my first goal.  in other words one link always in the same spot but the ability to change what it is linked to.  BUT not by editing existing html, it will change whenever i decide to "post something" so no additional step of then going and editing and exiting post to update with a new url.  Well anyways as I was writing this out, my mind shifted to some new ideas on how to accomplish this and in the last few sentences its taken me about an hour to write because I was looking my ideas up lol.

Oh yea to the 9 out of 10 of you reading this sorry bout the TUMBLR.  Big time porn right now.  I like it but steer clear of it for right now if gay porn is not your thing.  TUMBLR is my picture blog and its not about porn but will have a little.  LOL the funny thing is that's where I started with it- on porn haha.

Anyways Goodnight.
Remember this one??  Yup crazy good :)  Enjoy.  Play it.  Goodnight... or is it good morning to you once you see this??


The Ghost Inside