Jonah Feingold

I lost my virginity three times.

Get it? It’s funny cause it’s not possible, but hey, anything is possible in Cabo. Speaking of Cabo, it’s fucking god damn Cabo season holy shit 2 days, what is this some kind of sick practical joke? Cabo is fucking great, but jesus dude why are you going back their you’ve been two times before and come back with some kind of Mexican flu that translates to the Crazy Lizard. What?

Anyway, why is this Cabo trip more significant than other Cabos? Because, as a senior, this is truely the last time in my life, in our lives, that we have 5 days with zero to -3 obligations. No job, no wives, no 10 year old kid who wants a PS3 but doesn’t really know that X-Box is the way to go so you don’t get him a X-Box, so he starts crying but you don’t feel bad because he’s spoiled and doesn’t need video games, just a good book to read and a girlfriend.

For those new to Cabo there are three things..Mango Deck, Nap, Squid Roe.

Mango Deck

Mango Deck is sick. It’s like all that shit you’ve seen on MTV spring break. It’s a massive day party with some weird ass dude with microphone screaming “CABO SAN LUCAS, ARE YOU FUCKING READY? OKAY! LET’S GO!” Over and over and over… It’s dope tho. It’s almost impossible to recognize a friend from a girl you used to hu with causally in the AEPi quad. Rosenthal.

You can get a table too, which is dope. For table service hookup hit up King of NYC and Barcelona, Sir King Farage IV – he runs most of the Northern Hemisphere.

Make sure you roll in with Bryce or Connor, those dudes know how to navigate through crowds, and hookup with 9.5s on a consistant level. They’re sick AND dope.

Ai se tu pego.

Squid Roe

Dits shits literally the 9-0 on steroids. Three layers of fucking sloppyness, and in the center of it all, the same dude with a mic from Mango Deck? Or is it a different dude? We should find out.

Once you’re there, and hopefully you arrive a solid 12/10, then make your way to the second floor, or the sides, and try dancing with Alexis, she’s kinda a bitch tho and will give you a weird look and say “she needs to GO FIND HER FREINDS” yeah I didn’t forget about you, Alexis, but I will, when I’m famous, and have a labrador retriever puppy farm, and you won’t be invited . Suck it.

Cabo Theory

The thing is, this might sound morally wrong, or damaging to your body. But the drunker you are, the more fun you will have. It’s simple math. Ask Bryce. He knows. He’s Bryce.

Cabo Rules

1. Don’t be a bitch 
2. Seriously, just drink, stop being a bitch, Trevor.
3. Hook up with Lindsay at Mango Deck
4. Be a dick to Lindsay that night at Squid Roe though
5. Don’t listen to you’re friend Bryce, he’s dumb
6. Dude, i’m fucking with you, what Bryce say, you do.
7. No bathing suits below the upper-thigh. What is this, 2012?
8. Act like you don’t know anyones name
9. No high fives, only chug races
10. Make out, pass out, vommit, make out again, pass out again.

USC is a great place, also simultaneously USC is a very difficult place. It’s really annoying to be walking from a class to the campus center and fall in and out of love at least 4 times. Seriously though, USC doesn’t just have like hot girls, it has girls who you ON THE SPOT fall in love with and want to marry.

I remember I was in line at Panda Express one day and I saw this girl, and I found myself wondering if we would get a Range Rover or BMW X5 as our “family car”, then I was wondering who was going to watch the kids while we went on an impulse trip to Vegas for our 20th anniversary. I didn’t even know her name, not that I had to, because love has no names.

Another problem with this whole falling in love with a random girl from the campus center is that, chances are, a girl is going to be a tad creeped out when a really funny/cute/talented/senior/jew-ish/comes from a great family/guy walks up to her and says “i’m in love with you, let’s kiss” – and understandably so. It also brings to question, what is love? Love is whatever you want it to be, so, if I love you because the way you drink smart water and eat that southwestern salad with your Ray Ban aviators placed ever so gently on the bridge of your nose, and the way you talk to your friend Maddy about what costume you need to buy for Thursday, then THATS OKAY. Fuck grammar.

Do you really love the lamp?

You ever do that thing where you Facebook stalk all of Jordan “Jords” sometimes just “Ordz” Levine’s friends? I mean Jordans hot but man oh man she’s got some hot friends, and it’s chill because you’re like best friends with Jordan so obviously she’s going to hook it up with her homies. So you drop a line to Jordan being like “yo you’re friend Maddie is cute, set it up?” Jordz then tells you “omg yes she like just broke up with her boyfriend” – perfect.

So, nothing happens in the immediate 10 minutes and you decide to take actions into your own hands, for me this means a Facebook friend request. And hey, I know what you’re thinking, that’s weird and creepy, why would he “befriend” someone he doesn’t know. First of all, think about that for a second. Second, because facebook is a joke, and I will literally friend request the shit out of Jordan’s friends, they are hot and they need to see pictures of me hanging out with my dog.

Aight so you friended Maddie, off the bat her facebook picture doesn’t do her justice, she’s got that natural beauty that an iPhone screen really just can’t capture. Now, is it wrong to assume that if she accepted the friend request, she wants to hook up? I mean, it was a conscious approval of my physical traits, she saw the profile picture, obviously digged it, and hit accept – so I’ll take that a “yes Jonah, let’s make out.”

That night, Ordz has a pre-game at her apartment, of course Maddie is the one girl still wearing sweat pants and not drinking cause she “has so much work to do”, classic.

Lucky for me I brought my backpack and will be doing work as well, with Maddie…naked.

It’s 5:34pm on a Thursday and you decide to hit the Gateway Gym (for non-USC students, this a small-ish gym in a nice apartment complex that hosts lots of beautiful women)

You bike, jog, or walk over to Gateway, wave to the security guard like you guys are boyz, you act like you live there. Get into the gym, hit the treadmill for a pre workout carido burst, treadmill obviously.

You happen to notice this cute, but potentially very hot under the right circumstance, kappa girl jogging next to you. How’d I know Kappa? I mean she’s hot and has a great attitude! Sike tank top obvi. There is a moment there where you wonder, do I? Do I pull the emergency break, grab her by the waste and start to make out with her mid treadmill? Maybe…Maybe…And if you’re Greyson, you already have, damn Grey, you got fucking moves. Teach us your swag Greyson. Fucking Newport. Fucking Greyson.

The problem from here on out during the workout is that, guys, or at least myself, can’t stop thinking about doing ridiculous, horrible, unspeakable, but very respectful things to this hot Kappa girl, whose name I’m assuming is something along the lines of Nicole or Rebecca, probably Rebecca, who can’t seem to break eye contact. What does one do, when, she looks really cute and friendly in those workout clothes, and all you can think about is taking off, the workout clothes.

How does one break this one-way sexual tension? What’s the right thing to say? I’ve always thought just saying “hey you seem cool, sup I’m Jonah” would work. Never done it, but what’s the worst that could happen? Then again, you gotta respect her workout, she’s in the zone, the last thing she wants is some cute/funny/talented/funny/well toned in the scheme of things guy coming over and interrupting her workout.

What is she thinking? She’s the one who can’t stop staring. It could be cause i’m staring. She thinks i’m staring at her boobs, but I’m actually staring at her heart. 

Next time I’m at the gym, I’ll try saying something, and let you guys know how it went.

I guess she just broke up with that dude from One Direction, gah fuck it, we all know I know his name, Harry Styles, sick name though, but they apparently just broke up? This chick has had about 12 boyfriends this year. That’s a lot of dicks for a year. That’s a lot of consistant dicks.

She writes these songs about how these guys dump her cause she’s not cool or shit but, I don’t know, I’m getting a feeling she’s just absolutely insane. There is some evidence of this in her deeply coded and ambiguous song “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”, which I think 
is about relationships ending, not sure though.

Huh, he calls me up and he’s like, I still love you
And i’m like, i’m just, I mean this is exhausting, you know
We are never getting back together, like ever

See, from that lyric, it looks like any one of your badass boyfriends, yes John Mayer is a fucking boss, is trying to help mend a wound, maybe even re-kindle the love, and you’re notting let them. I’m saying “never ever, like ever” is waaaaaaaay to harsh, almost unrealistic.

Look, Taylor, I’m a college guy, and sometimes, at first, it’s just about having sex, but then you realize “hey, I actually like this girl, let’s date and see what happens, i kinda miss you, sup?”, but that would have never happened without the “exhausting” part.

Courtney, let me take this blog post to say I’m sorry we haven’t talked in a while and I want that to change, so stop instagramming pictures of you and Bryler surfing, and respond to my snap chats.

At USC there is a place, a magical place, known formally as the 9-0-1 Grill and Bar. 9-0-1 being the area code, and Grill and Bar being that it is primarily a grill during the day, and sometimes at night, a bar. However if you know the 9-0-1 well enough, you know that it’s actually called the 90 (nine-O) and that it’s 98% a bar, with really good mozzarella sticks during the day. In this post, we’ll talk basic strategy on How To Succeed At The 90.

Arrival early, and leave early. In movies they say that a character should enter a scene late, and leave early, in the 90 movie, this does not apply. Waiting in lines suck, so unless you want to wait in line with Courtney and her three seemingly mute friends, get to the bar early. Seriously they’ll just stand there on their phones, iPhone 4S with cracked screens and weird ass cases, maybe ask you to take a picture of them, which you should not, and overall be a damper on your night. So on Tuesday and Thursday nights I suggest arriving at 10, not 10:15, 10p.m. For real, if your friend ‘”Rosenthal” says “dude let’s wait no one is going to be there” – don’t listen to him, he’s working with a personal agenda. By no one he means “McKenzy” the girl he met at the Campus Center Seeds line 5 hours ago. Don’t get caught in line, because if you do, I promise you around like 11:30 you’ll almost be in and then Bryler and his crew will show up, cut you, fight you, and get you will kicked out. Bryler is sick tho, one on one, just not with his friends.

Once you get there early, you’ll want to hit the bar straight away. If you can avoid the 3 random high fives you will have to give to those kids who were in you’re GE’s and WRIT 140 classes. It’s a waste of time, and high fives. I suggest the far South East corner, towards the bathroom. Once there, order the obvious AMF aka Audio Motha Fucker aka Aqua Demonio (Demon Water) Then make you’re way to the top bleachers. You’ll find three blonde girls, all with variations of the name Kristen or Kirstin, or Kim. Kim is probably the hottest, but she’s kinda a bitch, which makes her kinda hot though.

From this point on make sure you know your fair share of top 40 song lyrics. Also helps to be 5’9 and above. Also just make sure you are not sober, unless you are conducting a science experiment. Don’t want to be drunk, for a science experiment.

To be continued.

Facebook has entered its “Empire Strikes Back” phase, which is of course a Star Wars reference to the fact that Facebook is on the downfall. Facebook being the Empire…Empire, downfall, Star Wars, you get it. Just get it.

We are all beginning to realize just how much we hate Facebook. It started out fucking fantastic, but has become something that combines a bunch of great concepts and as a result, results to nothing.

Connecting with friends, that’s how it all started, and for some reason or another Facebook timeline thinks I care about Josh B., the kid from camp who wouldn’t take a shower, more than my bffae, Harrison (shoutout to da whole crew, could only use one name, aight fuck it fine, shoutout to sigma epsilon chi, SEX, heart you guys). It’s like the facebook timeline algorithm just doesn’t even exist. But even better, to replace the whole connecting with people you care about, get a Twitter! Where you literally follow the people you care about, and hey you might even get a reply from the screenwriter/show runner of “Lost”. Exhibit A. 

Status Updates, these things are jokes in the first place. Honestly I laugh at anyone who makes a “serious” status update, I’m sorry but it’s just weird. But Jonah, you post links to not-that-funny videos and shit, yeah I do, but I don’t care, and I’m not stating any kind of personal opinion, I’m just using the 2,000+ random people to get them to watch the videos. My real problem with status updates is when the Facebook status turns into some kind of weird “Flight Booked to…Antartica” or “Flight Booked to Jupiter’s second moon, Europa” Listen Carrie S., I really don’t think anyone needs to know you booked your spring break flight to Cancun. Honestly though, since this is such a thing, maybe there should be a website dedicated to stating Where your most recent flight is booked, and where you are? Four Square, but for dogs.

And since when is everyone a New York Times Movie Critic? (I guess when you’re in Film School) But do we really need to post our “top 10 lists” when 90% of the time they are all the exact same…Congrats on identifying the “best” films of the year, you and every other film festival out there should get a prize. Except you Aneesh, you’ve been doing it a while, and you my homie.

The one good thing that facebook did offer were pictures. Pictures were great because you could substitute your porn site of choice with a picture of Shannon, the hot girl from camp that gave Steven a HJ under the blankets at the final camp bond fire. But, Instagram happend, and instagram is the real deal without all the b.s.

Instagram is great for many reasons. Selfless are acceptable, if not encouraged. It’s 83% pictures of Labradors, and not cats. Fuck cats. And it’s show don’t tell. No words needed, just plain and simple visual storytelling. I realize Facebook bought Instagram but it seems like all they did was semi-copy the look and feel to the mobile app. New Years goal, stop using facebook, unless to post a video, or to check out Sammy T.’s new Cabo pics.

Do we over think text messages? When to respond? How to respond? To even respond? – One might then ask themselves, do we over think Shakespeare?

To most of you reading this “hi” is the IM (instant message) you’d get from a girl who liked you. You know, those embarrassing screen names like “qtpie5654″ or some shit that you made in “4th grade”. In some ways, the social conventions of IMs have transfered over to text messaging except now you have more options, and more time to respond. Here’s the thing, whenever I get a text from someone saying “hi”, I think they either are incredibly mad disappointed with me, or like, like me. But one things for sure and it doesn’t matter the time of day, could be 3 am could be 7 am, if you get a text message from someone you’ve been “flirting” with then it’s a very good thing. It’s like a shorter way of saying “hey boo, I’m thinking of you”

“hi” goes right to the heart.

Of course, when is the proper time to use it? With great power, comes great responsibility and you never want to oversaturate the word. Like most of us, I like to confer with the Great Council of Wise  Men and Women (the people I review my texting decisions with) before hitting the send button.  When is the best time to use ‘hi”? The answer is simple. At the beginning. By the way if you have a friend named Conner, don’t ever take his advice, man Conner’s don’t know shit about texting.

For us dudes, let’s say it’s been a long day, you’re either about to go out, or you just have that urge to talk to Britney, or Britt, as of recent. Open up that iPhone, and just do it. Text her “Hi” NOTE, the capital H, it’s masculine, it says that while “hi” on average is a little more feminine, you gotta soft side, and got her on your mind. Now ladies, let’s say you’re at home watching the latest episode of GIRLS, and for some reason it makes you want to hit up Bryler, aka Bryce as is called in college. Well, same thing, take out that phone and type the two letter magical word. Be careful though, do you like like him or just like him/wanna talk? If it’s a like like – “hi.” The period makes it all. If it’s a just want to talk to then just write “hi”

Now listen, this is a tactic with a lot of variables in play. The numbers gotta add up. If there is anything to take away from this it’s that, homies, don’t be afraid to tell your lady “hi” once in a while. And ladies, 646 620 5940.

So, Justin’s parents are letting him throw a New Years Eve party in the basement this year…Again, even after Connor and Mike drunk drove all over the lawn? Cool. Good news for us.

There is a definitive art to finding the right lady to kiss at the stroke of midnight. Sure, if you have a girl friend, you know how the movie ends but what if you don’t? What if you’re going to a party with all your college friends and there are 2, 3, 4, or no girls you’d like to touch lips with? The key to finding such companion? Timing.

You arrive at the party, swagged out, at around 9:45-10:30pm. First person to greet you at the door? Fucking Sammy. That girl from high school who was cute but not hot, then went to college and got hot, and slutty, from what you’ve heard. She gives you a hug and a kiss and promises to take a ‘shot’ at midnight. Now, do you want to share the arrival of 2013 with Sammy? If so, keep the conversation going for the next 3 hours because like we said earlier, she’s gone from cute to hot and is slutty, so, you’re not the only one tryin’ court her. Bare in mind she will play the “Do You Know…” game for those 3 hours. She loves that game.

You could also fall in love with Rachel’s friend Courtney, who just graduated from Brown. Off the bat she’s got all the great qualities of a post-college girlfriend. Smart, funny, kind already has a job but you don’t really believe if it’s legit or not slash you’re kind of pissed that you don’t have a job yet either. Regardless, she’s the one. It kinda sucks though cause, even though haven’t even kissed, you’re already thinking its going to suck when you have to go back to school in 5 days and so, what’s the point in the first place? Hearts will only be broken. You’re not looking for that long distance relationship. Or are you? No. So, you exchange twitter handles and Snap Chats and put that script on the shelf.

Oh shit, it’s 11:30, better find someone quick unless you wanna be that kid who initiates a “group shot”. Good thing you’ve been killing it with your iPod song selection, reminder, when in doubt PLAY DRAKE.

Guess who just made eye contact with you from across the pong table? Fucking Chloé. Yeah, “é” She went abroad to France and came back with it. It’s weird, it actually makes her hotter. So you go over to her and ask “how school’s been?” Some well played small talk, maybe the chorus to Ke$ha’s “Die Young” is coming, so you guys sing it together (you don’t really know the words but she does, so just smile) Keep in mind Chloé, and every surrounding girl, is completely aware, at any given time, how many seconds away midnight is. They are scheming just as much.

Here comes midnight, the moment you’ve been waiting for. This could be your future wife your kissing. Sike, don’t marry someone who changes their name from Chloe, to Chloé after taking a picture in front of the Eiffel Tower (Check the picture out under the facebook album “Abroad Picz!”) Some douché bag name Bryler aka Bryce starts the NYE countdown 30 seconds early just to get attention, ignore that, it’s a fake. Keep your iPhone close.

The countdown actually starts, 3…2….1… You and Chloé make eye contact. But shit, Connor intercepts to make you take a handle pull from the Patron bottle, you deflect it, grab Chloé and…

“…I’ve got a boyfriend” Shit. All your planning gone to waste. You should have known Chloé has a boyfriend, especially the kind of boyfriend that’s never actually there.

So, you celebrate the first mins of 2013 with your bros and friends who are girls, all take a shot, hug, play more Ke$ha. That’s what NYE is about anyway, being with your friends, your real homies.

3:34am text from…Courtney…. “hi”