1. Define your nightmare, the absolute worst that could happen if you did what you are considering.
To move out, move on, quit my job(s). Being in a new place with the possibility of unemployment, poverty, failure, loneliness. I imagine something like taking on an internship at Poketo, for example, and packing my bags and moving to LA. I would get out of touch with most of my friends in San Diego (not that I’m doing a good job right now) and possibly have trouble making new ones in the new city. What if I hate the place, even though I thought I might love it there? What if I end up making dreadful friends, as I often do when I visit a new place? What if I lose the internship completely, quickly, and/or fail to make enough money to meet my rent, food, social needs? How will I find new friends? What if I fail everyone and everything?
This feels to me like maybe a 7/10, I guess. It would feel super terrible, but at least I’m not dying, or something?
2. What steps could you take to repair the damage or get things back on the upswing, even if temporarily?
I would freak out in the back of my brain as I present some deadpan face to the world. I’d probably try and work somewhere else, leave and never come back. Run away from my problems! How healthy. Try to join new groups?
3. What are the outcomes or benefits, both temporary and permanent, of more probable scenarios?
I would be living on my own, which would probably feel wonderful. I would be meeting new people, and there are a lot of people out there. West Coast Swing is a great community to have a family right away, (though how good am I at that <– wrong section!) and I’d be following my dream(????). Foolish people have achieved better before, through charisma and dumb luck. Wow, I’m such a pessimist.
4. If you were fired from your job today, what would you do to get things under financial control?
If I were fired from both jobs? Get right back on the job market. No panic. I’m well qualified to do what I do, and if I can’t find that then I can work things out freelance, or doing another minimum wage type job, like hostessing or something. I live with my parents so it’s not like rent is a huge deal. Just emotional damage, having to deal with them all the time.
5. What are you putting off out of fear?
Okay. I’m doing this questionnaire because I thought it would help me with something. To be honest, I’m happy with where I am right now; perfect. I wish I had more things to do, sort of, but then again I’ve been wishing for this free time for months and years. And it’s not like I have a TON of free time. I have weekends now, that harbor a few hours that I had never had empty. It is a scary feeling at first, but then wonderful, and then the time is up already and it’s time to move on. I’m in a stage now where I need to rest and enjoy the empty time, and I can feel the era ending and my restless inspiration kicking in.
You could say I’m putting off starting projects, out of impatience, and fear of failure. I need to be more okay with throwing my work away, with sharing mediocre creations to better myself, to take criticism. I’m putting off making friends, too, because the ones I have at times make me feel antisocial.
I’m also putting off calling Wonder Con about my tickets. I keep forgetting, really, but I really should do that. And I’m putting off looking for new jobs because I really like the ones I’m in. I don’t like the thought of leaving, but I guess overall I should keep my options open.
Yeah. I’m putting off that. That’s my answer. Job searching.
It’s just that I have two jobs when some people have none. And I don’t want to be greedy or anything. Is that an excuse? I enjoy what I do and I have plenty on my plate.
6. What is it costing you – financially, emotionally, and physically – to postpone action?
Financially I’m saving up. Emotionally, I’m taking a hit. I don’t completely enjoy living at home, or as far as I am from my friends. I don’t enjoy being so far from the dancey places, to the point where I’m too tired, lethargic, fearful to go. Because it’s so far for a long shot. Physically I feel okay, I think.
7. What are you waiting for?
I don’t fucking know. I don’t actually know what I want, is what I’m waiting for. But that’s for the next exercise, isn’t it?