[ in the travesty of our mediocrity we find the ability to accept impossible things.......]

My friend lives in Maine. That's right Maine, the place that ass kisses Canada and where the image of abundant seafood and lonely men come to mind.  But this short tale is not about lonely men on a fishing boat finding love. Nay! This is about seafood dammit! More precisely about a rather unbelievably large lobster named Beaumont.

In my mail one day came this package. I was not expecting a package and I was wary. My first instinct was instantly to think it was a bomb. Hey, I'm an irrational hermit who jumps to such conclusions. Needless to say I managed, before the blind panic set in, to look at who sent it. I was relieved to find it was from my friend in Maine. He had sent me a surprise of; you guessed it, a giant ass lobster.

Now, I am not sure why he had sent me this or why he thought he should but he did. More intriguing though was the note I found attached to the lobster who was also wearing a tiny top hat.  Note is as follows:

Hey,

Thought you would enjoy this very big lobster my friend Tim caught the other day.

Tim was so surprised when he caught it that he had to take a picture of it. Tim is stupid like that.

Anyway, he took the picture before banding him and in the course of posing with the lobster, and don't ask me how, one of the claws grabbed his pecker.

Yep, thing had a vice grip on his dick like you wouldn't believe. Thankfully, we got a picture of it; I put a copy of it in with the lobster.

We managed to get the lobster off him without damaging the claw, which is the best meat in my opinion. 

Tim had to have a few stitches and has, so I hear, one hell of a bruise. Guess that will teach him that God made rubber bands for a reason.

Anyway, he let me have the “cursed thing” as he puts it; Tim is also a drama queen. Well, I hope you enjoy it he is a big one.

P.S. By “big one” I mean the lobster not Tim's penis.

P.P.S. Oh and I named him Beaumont, again the lobster not the penis.

So, my friend in Maine decided, in his infinite wisdom, to send me this mammoth sized, penis pinching lobster. Not only that but to dress it in a top hat and give it a name. I don't know if this was the proper motivation to convince me to consume the beast but who am I to pass up free giant sized lobster anyways? Nobody with pride that’s for sure. So I sent my friend back an email thanking him:

Hi -

Beaumont was a fine and tasty lobster. We ate like kings. All appendages spared.

Enjoyed the picture, it’s on my fridge.

Tim is kind of cute, is he single?

Later -

C.