Sola Deo Gloria
Golddiggers, escorts, and one night stands
Have a more keen understanding than you and I.
You think me to be a conundrum
But, my desires are simple.
By the way your brow
Grows beads of sweat
Whenever my arms linger their rest
On your shoulders
For a second longer.
Confusion sets in on the rare occasions
that your purpose in my bed
You think that I am needy and
You call this simply casual.
But I always wear my finest for you.
I toil too often for this to be fleeting:.
It is quite the task
Coaxing my heart out of hiding.
I’m here, convincing my instincts that you will do me no harm.
You still hesitate;
Penalizing me for accepting your outstretched hand.
You reach out to me often.
So much so that I concentrate only on
Making my hand fit for yours.
…just in case…
You are not quite romantic
In the way that you make me
Laugh at my own clumsy attempts
To be sexy.
Or the time you kicked over candles
Near the bed;
Almost setting our bedroom on fire.
You are not quite chivalrous
In the way that you let me whine
About traditional gender roles,
Meanwhile fretting over being a good cook.
You smile and sneak bitters into my sweet tea
When I shoo you out of the kitchen.
You are not quite heroic
In the way that you are unafraid
To cry on my shoulder
In moments of grief, disappointment, and anger
You ensure your arms
Are stout enough to hold me together
When I need you.
I fret over pant size
like women tend to do
Obsessing over numbers and
which clothing material can stretch
to cover up my fear of lingering gazes.
I slump further into my muffin top
Sucked in and tucked
Meanwhile my posture disappears
the arch of my back inverted.
I want to retreat into myself
So I am only left with the candid snapshot
of the ideal me:
Ignored and secretly glad
Because it all began when boys
ran past me whispering blunt observations
concerning my budding figure.
Some comments obscene and others in jest
Both pulled me from the grey area of childlike gender roles;
Far removed from the simplicities found in cooties and boys only clubs.
I became acquainted with myself through their overheard conversations;
I saw me only in the blurred reflections of mirrors
in the girl’s bathroom where I rarely looked.
I wanted to conceal myself underneath
my favorite oversized T-shirt of my brother’s
and the overgrown bangs used to cover up my cheekbones.
I had seen what it meant to become the object
behind a boy’s hollow stare
I did not like it.
So I sought to rest underground
just beneath their desire and misguided affections
the possibility of their ridicule and acclaim
away from the opportunity to be wanted today;
despised and disposed of later.
I still feel shy looking at my own reflection
Preferring to search for a flaw
That never ceases to reveal itself.
it keeps my hands occupied
(with counting pounds and dress sizes)
so that my arms are too busy
to caress and
to hold myself up,
A Know-it-all on Love,
But are struck dumb
When you consider
Me & this heart of mine.
Even with your excess amount
There’s not enough knowledge
Not a fraction of an epiphany
To help you understand
Why you held your love
At arm’s length from me.
I’d hinted at my extraordinary
But you held a palm in front
Of your face to shield
All the extra
With squinted eyes
You cast a shadow
Across me and this heart of mine.
You dodged my budding paradise
Quickly waded across the cool of my Nile
Strapped with fisherman’s overalls,
And scoffed at an invite to view the earth from
You are up to your widow’s peak
Wallowing in a sea of your own
Defecating promises and
Failed attempts at duplicating
Me and this heart of mine.
Doing everything I can just to stay mentally afloat,
nose above the water is enough, no strength to build no boat.
Keep going is my mantra
I won’t crumble is my oath…
Write little serenades to keep my heart alive,
fuel within each note
I smile when I am saddened,
I laugh when I am weak…
Feel like second choice
Sensible and true
Left on the back burner
where grown-up decisions
are left to cool.
Until I am
From the fine line where I stood on tiptoes
Your godliness and an ultimatum.
Feel like my love is an
Like bastard fetuses
To ball players
My hand out for a ring
My heart out for your hand
My heart always went out to you
So you owed me in return
Your remorse resembled repentance
But your requited love served as penance
Not so much a prison sentence
But a simple decision
To love me for
So I always feel like
I am a poster child for your good deeds
Your shout of triumph from a mountaintop
Your metaphoric pat on the back
Maybe now your father
Will tell you he’s proud.
Being on your arm,
I will serve as the perfect ornament
A sufficient emblem
To show them all.
I always feel like
You need me to stay
To convince you of grace
I always feel for you
Emphatically and dear
And now I need you
I need your tangible
I need your always
Your first glance
Your love before it becomes sensible
I want your one-night stand afterglow
Your senseless declaration and reckless abandon
I want anything and everything left that you’re maybe holding on reserve
Inspired by a series of FB statuses I’ve post since last year, it consists of brief letters/quotes/inspirations addressed to the Beloved of God.
That means you…
I am not a sad poet.
Or an ironic poet.
I simply believe in
Sorrow as much as joy.
They walk hand in hand,
Both dwelling in me.
While one is busy
Cooking at my stove,
The other is sleeping on a cot in the back room.
My heart houses many emotions;
I have lots of mouths to feed.
So, don’t try and wrap your mind
Around the temperament
Of my poetry
Or my style
And my themes
Break down those boxes
That you’ll carry my poems away in
Rather reach out your hands
Or open wide your arms
Tilt your head upwards
Or cower away
It will depend, you know…Just know,
I am not a sad poet.
Or a religious poet or philosophical poet.Neither a righteous, right-on, or Pro-Black poet.
There are no qualifiers here.
I felt as if I were born for you.
Your pain and longing had an affair
And one day,
Your longing birthed my existence.
My first cry
was an answer to prayer.
You needed me.
From then on
Every purpose I found on the side of the road
Became lukewarm the moment I touched it
I was raised to be as passionate about your happiness
As you are.
Even your sacrifices,
Normal in motherhood,
Came with tiny price tags attached.
It’s costly being your daughter.
You almost cost me, me.
Wisdom taught me your selfishness
Was the only naïve part left in you.
And that you’d do anything,
Including cast me your last breath,
So that I could live a second longer than you would.
I know this.
I’d do anything to make you smile.
Wear my hair in that way you like
Mimic all your mannerisms
And take all of your hand-me-downs
Because seeing me in your old pencil skirt
Reminds you of when I stumbled around in your
Heels and pearls as a little girl.
It must be hard seeing my breasts fit well inside your shirts now.
It must be hard letting go…
I would do anything for you.
Including being the best me possible.
Awaken your pride
By reminding you that it’s because of you
That I am alive.
Because that’s true.
I am my mother’s daughter,
I cannot be me without her.
So many sad hearts
Giving a quick glance at their expensive watches
Others slowly wandering, kicking pebbles
With bare feet.
All going nowhere, maybe.
Broken ones dressed as passersby
They notice me.
Look into my small room
With a small lamp
Shining through a small window
The light isn’t much…
Some linger and study the smile
I cast out to each of them;
The brightest and most genuine part of me,
All I have.
Many come inside to stay awhile
To sit on floor pillows, warm their cold hands,
And wait out any storms that may be passing through.
The small lamp is usually a topic
Of their choosing;
It’s gentle light causes our shadows to dance across the walls.
And when it’s time
We stand and I shake their hand;
Noticeably warmer now.
I am sad
Until I see them pass by my small window
And they turn to smile in my direction
For a moment.
I ask for answers
Beg for understanding
Weep in confusion
At the state of these things
The three of us
Each with our own rotations of
Entrances and exits
We orbited around one another
Especially her and I
From friendship, past its line,
And into the
Dull, grey area that follows it
Even past forgiveness’ healing balm
And time’s forgiving numbness
I need something from you
What you cannot produce
Many will not grant you space
To still be here
Where your Benefit of the Doubt
Can dwell nestled beside your memories
Some good, some bad
But yours still
They’d rather crowd you out
Cheer on our love to drown out
But I can still hear you
This is your spotlight
Your claim to our story
But many will rather
Your chapter be rewritten into a lesson learned
That you would be forgotten
Increasingly fading like childhood knee scrapes
Somehow I cannot seem to forget
Because I feel like I need you
To confirm I did not hurt you
No matter how badly you hurt me
Leave me no room for doubt
I need your conclusions and your business to be finished here
Before you go your way
You were sent away on a whim without resolution
Resolve your feelings here
In the open air and with light shining on all the places
Where he kissed you
My Christian conscience keeps me awake at night
Despite the expletives my female intuition
They tell me you deserve indifference
But when I remember your heart pumps
In similar fashion to mine
I know you bleed, moan, cuss, and weep
Same as I.
I would endure scraped wrists
Bloodied by distance and human flaws
Crawl my way
Through the visuals of you and her
Past the anger and my desire to
Rise up from this place
Hand my last goodbye to you
With a trembling hand
I dared my heart over and over
That this battleground ended
And that we’d spend our days
Resting on mountaintops
Somehow on days when you are especially silent
And the stench of your guilt seeps
Through the floors cracks
I still put up fists
At my reflection
Battle my thoughts
I still fight for you
I still fight me for you.
His Glory cannot be bound
For He has met with me
Within the shadows.
His comfort extended to me
Where the sun and ground meet.
My God is not limited
To cathedral ceilings and murals
He finds me
In the abandoned alleyways of my mind
Or wherever I am hiding.
How can a being that is equivalent
To Perfection that I cannot conceive
And a Worth I could not save up for in a billion lifetimes,
And Love me still?
How can we conceal this love,
And place it just above one another’s reach?
Which of us truly
Dumbed down to fit into perfectly developed chains,
I move and shook perfectly.
Gladly caught in your sights
With enough safe distance away from each other’s souls.
Mindless pleasure & harmless fun.
You feasted your eyes, lips, and hands
Until I no longer belonged to me.
You asked me
for the hundreth time
to show a little something
shake a little something
On musical tracks so repetitive
they’re demoted to a pile of broken records.
Dusty from your played out anthems and
Your baseline stops as soon as club lights turn on.
And the silence begs the ultimate question.
So, no thanks
I’d rather not have pole work & body “tweark”
Be what brings me accolades.
I will not grimace underneath the sun’s gleam
only to come alive from a stage’s dimmed light.
See me, truly
and love me out in the open.
I’m not your secret or
nameless, faceless escape.
I said once that I’d follow you
Move in unison with your footprints
but lead me somewhere
Take me somewhere I’ve never been
Where a limo and video appearence
Give me wealth
A Black Card’s credit limit.
I will not move
My heartbeat’s more valuable
than your baseline.
Check out my melody…
hot tea on
warm summer nights
Odd but soothing
At second glance people stop,
smile and conclude:
Yeah, that actually works.
You are insightful.
Able to fashion words into thoughts
So unassuming, and yet brilliant.
I laugh at how childlike
Your hands are with which you
Allowing doubt to slowly slip through
You are intensely creative.
A mind keen on scenic routes
And the mad romance of art.
You despise popular culture
But you smirk at hipster glasses
And can’t seem to fit in at
The coffee shops you love so much.
Besides…you’d much rather prefer a street corner
To a platform or pedestal
With average men
Swapping anecdotes and stories
Like parables in plain clothes.
You are loving.
Warm, sensitive, and giving heartbeat
Protected beneath a lion’s breastplate.
Your blood, breath, and glasses work together
So that you may keep watchful eyes
Over those cast down and guarded.
They are the highest mandate you carry.
Which is why your dreams
Cycle through scenes of heroism.
You were created to take part in a rescue mission.
The ransomed one
Now a rescuer.
He takes all my broken pieces
With hands that possess
delicacy and wisdom.
Unlike those that shake from fear of failure
or quickened by urgency.
He knows full well what I am to be
and when I am to become it
Because the last thing He wants to do is hurt me.
look in my direction
linger there for a moment
give me your eyes’ shine.
and slowly perk cheekbones
let your lips part
while their corners
reach for the heavens,
show me you’re delighted…
smile for me.
It has been a long time
Since I felt the smoothness
Of my own pages
They lay clean ‘til the point of sterility
But I wish to make them
Filthy with my thoughts
Unkempt and viral
Giving no priority to my reputation
Of being a great writer
I want to wallow in my naivety
And the ideal world I paint with my ink pen
It has been a while
Since I’ve written with abandonment
Gotten lost on purpose
Leaving no bread crumbs
And casting no anchor to
Keep me from drifting
Down rabbit trails
I want to write
A poem within a poem
Create a literary inception
So to speak.
Because I used to do it regularly
Ventured into unnamed territories of my mind
And gawked in astonishment
At what I am capable of.
I want to impress myself
For once and
Sit long enough to complete a
Whole entire stanza
I’m still not sure
What the end of my poem looks like…
When I haven’t written anything decent in weeks,
No sonnet or haiku worth blogging,
You remind me to keep words behind my heartbeat
Caress it’s rhythm in between my hip’s sway
You told me that I am poetry
So I can never lose it
Come hell or writer’s block
No stone or brick can keep me from my river
No dam can permanently stop my soul’s flow
You taught me that, love
Whenever my fingers cramp from effort
In a 9 to 5
…sometimes 8 to 7
You remind me to protect my gift
By kissing each finger on the hand that I write with
The left one, to be exact
It’s like a foot rub at the end of a long day
Your heart is my bubble bath filled with lavender
You ensure that the mental block will not defeat me
My blank pages stay warm in my absence
Because your love keeps my fires well lit.
tylerburns: Moving song that’s been killing me over the past two days…the Hans Zimmer “Inception” sample is incredible0 plays
The Answer (Written by and Performed by Iamspokenword)10 plays
Please go to Be Still for my new blog location. Thanks!
I'm getting married in 295 days.
...this may come as a huge surprise to many of my readers, considering I haven't posted in months. Needless to say, lots has happened since my last blog entry. But I'm positive we will have considerable time to go over all of the details.
...for now. I've compiled a variety of websites to help me in this process from betrothed to wife.
Hill City Bride is one of those resources.
Their current giveaway, a book entitled "When Me Becomes We", will help my fiance and I with a huge hurdle:
Decorating the love nest. [muffled giggles]
Wish me luck! :)
Here's the link:
Hill City Bride Giveaway
It was a ripe 85 degrees today.
I live in an area where the weather tends to be a bit unpredictable. Tomorrow may be clammy and peaking in the 50s. You never know. Regardless, it is definitely spring time. My college campus is filled with bright eyes and colors, shorter dresses and Docker cargo shorts. The general sense of well-being is higher, because the climax of spring gives hints to the coming of summer. My peers and I wanting to track star through finals, sell the tattered couch in our apartments that we're soon to be leaving, and prepare for another summer adventure.
Love is definitely in a challenging mode. People are either planning summer weddings or looking to get out of their current situations. For those of us who aren't at least engaged, being single during the heightened time of the year is promising. No one wants to be held down during the summer, right? The last thing you want is for your boyfriend to call you every night the week you are para-sailing down in the Cape with your Ladies Bible Study group. Freedom is a beautiful thing, isn't it? And for every one person that clamored near Thanksgiving to find a Winter boo to exchange hellos under mistletoe by Christmastime, two are fleeing love in the opposite direction, towards the call of summer's heat and sense of adventure.
Can't say that I blame these track stars....Summertime is usually a tough time for relationships.
Maybe I'm paranoid. It has been my experience that I will return to routine in late August with a new betrayal to deal with.
I encourage adventure. I have a deep, gut feeling that my life is destined to be an adventure. And I wouldn't dare desire to keep this kind of existence from anyone.
But, I want to give a word of caution, whether you are single or taken. Be cautious of the pull of this season. Make sure that your desire for adventure doesn't lead to you hurting someone who stuck with you through hard times. If you think it is a good time for a clean break, then do this sensibly. Know yourself.
Remember that people, although sometimes undependable, are not to be like seasons, because seasons are always changing.
15. Umi Says -- Mos Def
More ramblings of things I am figuring out about myself.
2011 is going to be a doozy, I can already tell....
1. My heart beats for quality time. If you don't like to invest your time in me, it is the equivalent of a slap in the face. My true friends seek to spend time with me, not just tolerate having me around.
2. I get annoyed really, really easy. And even though I am working on not showing it outwardly, I will always have an inner reaction. Kind of like rolling my eyes at you in my head.
3. I'm still waiting on my BIG MOMENT. Not sure what that means yet. I really feel there is something significant that I haven't done yet. But I know its coming.
4. I enjoy being hospitable. Like, really enjoy it. It's important to me for people to enjoy being in my home; comfortable, well-fed, and entertained. I want to have a night where people lose track of time and are at my house until the wee hours of the morning. I'm scared I'm not that interesting yet, though.
5. My need to get in shape has become more about livelihood and vitality and less about my figure.
6. I have quite an ear for music. I appreciate actual instruments and harmony in a song...which is why I'm so picky of what I listen to...
7. I'm tapping into my "go with the flow" mode. I'm planning on taking a lot of chances this year, and bounce back 100% times faster if they don't work out.
8. Two things give me a headache without fail: Stress and Not eating.
9. I don't want anymore close friends right now. I need to cultivate the relationships I have.
10. Last year, I struggled with really wanting to get married. I haven't had a single thought like that so far this year. Now, I am thrilled I'm not getting married anytime soon. Thrilled, I tell you.
11. Three things I love right now: Books, Welch's Concord Cherry Grape Juice, Big singing voices
12. Above all things, God has been my counselor. I've had a pretty lonely road, so I'm glad I had/have him to release my pain to.
It's funny how a single song...3:34 minutes of music...can change your whole perspective of a situation. That's the beautiful thing about music: it can mold, as well as express, a mindset. Most of the time, this is a negative thing, but I like to think that music was meant to inspire.
Inspire well-being, peace, and determination.
Granted, I do get in those moods where I only want to listen to Coldplay, James Blunt, and Sam Cooke. My deep melancholy is expressed in the music playlist of my choice. As it is when I'm in a romantic, praise-oriented, or thuggish mood. So, I figured I'd share my all-time favorite inspirational tracks. God knows with the cold, frigid weather we could all use a little warmth.
1. When You Believe - Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston (Prince of Egypt Soundtrack)
4. Hero - Nas (The N Word Album)
19. Optimistic - The Sounds of Blackness
My, oh my. What a year it has been for me. List is in no particular order...
1. Moved into my first place ever.
2. Got a new job as a graduate writing tutor.
3. Traveled more than I ever have; from VA to NJ, NY, SC, NC, DC, OH, and NJ again
4. Saw an amazing concert and actually talked to the lead singer. (I love you Phonte)
5. Ate a White Castle burger in the Bronyx.
6. Sat in a recording studio as my bf recorded poetry tracks
7. Performed poetry at a wedding
8. Applied for 40 summer jobs -- got 0. Applied for 30 jobs in VA -- got one of the best jobs on campus.
9. Ended my 2nd year as a Resident Assistant
10. Managed to not flunk out of graduate school
11. Retired straight hair
12. Obtained three side hustles: greeting card writer, professional blog writer, and manuscript editor
13. *** ****** ***
14. Exercised more forgiveness than I thought was possible
15. Dealt with jealousy, fear, and self-preservation (the three enemies of a relationship)
16. Witnessed the death of The Triangle
17. Saw three of my friends entangled in their own triangle
18. Learned a few phrases in Korean
19. Went to Victoria's Secret and saw a specialist. :)
20. Switched cell phone services and bought the Best. Phone. Ever.
21. Had my surprised birthday plans ruined...but plan B involved spending more money at once than I ever had. Had a blast doing it.
22. Gave my blessings to at least 10 friends who got engaged.
23. Had my first Five Guys burger.
24. Got therapy; professionally and semi-professionally
25. Turned 25. Feels great.
26. Put counseling techniques into practice and actually helped someone in the process.
27. Drove from VA to SC all by myself.
28. Went to a nightclub for the first time. Eh.
29. Almost got published.
30. Baked cookies at least once a week.
31. Went to the Holocaust museum. Changed my life.
32. Had a few amazing photo shoots.
33. Got to the 3 year mark with the bf. Many are holding their breath for the moment I get the ring..except me. :)
I have been a Christian since I was a little girl. I remember sitting in church, next to my mom and older brother, and hearing the preacher talk about the love of Jesus Christ. I'd heard many stories in Sunday School and at home about Noah and the Ark, Jonah and the Whale, and Adam and Eve. I even knew about Jesus performing miracles and coming to earth as a little baby. I loved those stories. However, it was something about that preacher's words that made me feel a warm sensation in my chest.
"Jesus loves me"
I knew that my parents loved me. I knew that my cousins and other family members loved me. But I felt that they kinda had to since we were born into the same family. It wasn't inconvenient, but it was obvious that it had to be the norm. But why did Jesus love me enough to give his life?
Maybe it is simply a really good story. A metaphor for how life on earth is meant to be. Maybe Jesus is simply a nice teacher who was more of an advocate for universalism than faith in One God. Maybe he didn't resurrect on the third day and his bones are tucked away in Osama Bin Laden's hiding place.Maybe it, like all other religions, are a construction of the intricate human psyche. Or maybe Buddha is just as significant as Jesus who is equal to Muhammad. Maybe god is a figment of my broken imagination. Maybe I am god and don't know it.
I don't have certainty. Philosophically, none of us can be certain of anything. But I have faith that Jesus did come to earth, as God and Man, and died for me out of love and compassion for my sins. So that I can be free in this life and the next. I have faith that that day I prayed to Jesus for the first time, he heard me and answered.
At times, my faith is made tangible. Through an unseen comfort in moments where I faced sorrow, heartache, and despair alone. Certain evidences have appeared in my life that have blatantly hinted at a truth I learned as little girl:
"Jesus loves me"
But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
—II Timothy 3:14-17
I am dating one of the most incredibly raw minds of this world. He sees his sporadic thinking as a flaw, but I believe that in moments where it acquires focus/purpose, he captivates the listener with a rare combination of wisdom, wit, and empathy. With that being said, it scares me when he feels that he cannot capture the respect/attention of other males. There is a part of his existence that has been backed into a corner, and I feel that speaking on his behalf would be overstepping my boundaries as the girlfriend.
His baritone has jarred me. Left me standing at full attention and ready to join him in both task and heart. While it is thrilling to watch his manhood stand out further among lesser Johns, I'm saddened that they secretly jeer at his words. And I'm unsure of the coming-of-age process. How men accept one another and respect the thoughts of another male. What convinces a male that he can stand in a man's shoes; fulfill his role, and gain the recognition of other men?
Another friend of mine is engaged. Happily engaged. And I am forced to do that "mind thing" where I remind myself that it's okay that it's not me. Because I love him, and he loves me back. I trust that he, and more importantly, God, has a great, unique, taylor-made plan just for us. I'd rather wait another 10 years, enduring a seemingly endless dating purgatory than to do things too soon.
"I am a part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.
I have Holy Spirit power.
The dye has been cast, I have stepped over the line.
I am a disciple of His.
I won’t look back,
or be still.
My past is redeemed.
I am finished with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, and dwarfed goals.
I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded.
I now live by faith,
Lean on his presence,
Walk by patience,
Live by prayer,
Labor by power,
My faith is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven.
My road is narrow, my companions are few. My guide reliable, my mission clear.
I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, or delayed.
I will not flinch in face of sacrifice,
Hesitate in the presence of the adversary,
or negotiate at the table of the enemy.
I won’t give up shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up, for the cause of Christ.
I am a disciple of Jesus.
I must go until he comes,
Give till I drop,
Preach until all know, and
Work till he stops me.
And when He comes for His own He will have no problem recognizing me."
-- Worth Dying For
My life is like a steady stream of chaos right now. My plate is full. Pilled to capacity with carbohydrate-rich foods, salty vegetables, and meats. Socially, I have a waiting list of people that I need to hang out with. And I'm worried about all of them.
"Brittney! You're ignoring me! We have to catch up!"
"Hey! When are we going to hang out?"
"I want to see you! Can we have lunch tomorrow?"
::slops on mashed potatoes::
I've been in a game of phone tag with a friend for about 3 weeks and I can't seem to have the time to talk to her.
"Stop ignoring my phone calls!" (via message)
::piles on collard greens::
I haven't called my mom in a week. I have 3 graduate classes that all have papers/projects due in the next seven days. I've cooked a real meal in my kitchen once this week. I'm juggling two part-time jobs and attend two small groups a week. I'm worried about using my boyfriend's gas allotment to get me back and forth to work; among his other problems that he's dealing with. I signed up to make two sweet potato pies for a dinner I'm attending this weekend. I'm in therapy (basically) and I need to start looking for an internship to get my supervision hours. My computer's at the shop to be fixed, and I need it to do homework.
::adds a slab of chicken-fried stake::
I want to go home. I want to sleep. I want to bake cookies and watch The Cosby Show. I want to snuggle underneath my boyfriend's rib and not move an inch.
No matter what I do, or how hard I try, someone goes without something they need from me. I'm worried about flunking an assignment. Or being a bad friend. Or being undependable.
God knows I can't do it alone, so I'm trying to trust him. Meanwhile, keep up with the momentum.
I think of my mother being comforted by her three sisters and their mother while standing next to the grave of my brother. I think of the great bellows of laughter coming from the hair salon that I frequented as a child. I recall the knowing glances and outstretched hands that I have exchanged with another Black woman. Granted, I have the pleasure of knowing many beautiful women...across the entire palette of ethnicity. However, there is a deeper sense of unity that I feel when I, and other Black women embrace one another. Welcome one another. Encourage and affirm one another. Because we are known to bicker and be competitive. Tear down another because her hair is natural. Or relaxed. She's too skinny or flat-chested. Or too big. Lighter or Darker. Rough around the edges or materialistic. Carrying an infant or a Gucci bag in her arms.
It's nice to have kindred arms, though we are only connected through shade, hold you up. And it may not be done intentionally, but it always feels familiar. Sometimes, I have to double-take, because I could swear that the arms of my "sistah" feels like the arms of a "sister".
I believe that the political arena was created by people to help people. And there are moments in our history where it has served that purpose. The first settlers came to this land because they didn't want to be told how or who to worship. Some say that America was founded on Biblical principles. It's no matter to me, personally, because you can hold a Bible in one hand, and still grip a whip in the other hand. You can shake the hand of a red-skinned man in a gesture of brotherhood, while concealing a rifle behind your back.
Woefully, America was doomed to pay for her sins.
The same battle for freedom that the first Europeans sought from a harsh theocracy is being reflected in the subtle war of religious variety in America today. If you wish to build a land that is free from an established religion, then it must be just that. The tide will be determined, not by the power of the Christians, but by the heart/courage of the Christians. God decided to bring the Savior to earth during a time where one of the most feared rulers reigned. Why do believers feel that we are entitled to theocratic submission in a democracy? Go vote, yes. Shine your light, definitely. But don't think it strange when there are Muslims, Buddhists, and Atheists who are openly adamant in their faith. The existence of other faiths should not threaten yours. I believe in a God who is real, whether or not I believe in Him or worship Him. He will Be when America is long gone. He was here before its first Natives stepped on to its soil.
We need God back in our land, yes. But not necessarily back in the White House (assuming it ever was), or in the Pentagon. But in the people. The desperate, lost ones that walk the streets. The hurting and afraid that aren't even old enough to vote yet. We argue and bicker on the internet, in coffee shops, and in dorm rooms over policy but will go no further.
I still get sad when he leaves.
Not all the time, and not in a way that cripples me.
But I do dread that moment when he shifts in his seat, checks the time on his phone, and says,
"I think I'm going to get ready to head home."
I'll admit it.
My heart sinks a tad.
Yes, I know that it won't be long before I see him again.
And I have that first hug/touch/smile to look forward to...
Seeing him walk/drive away isn't always fun.
I think I'm dealing with the "see you later" becoming a possible "goodbye".
Sure, that's pretty pessimistic/paranoid, but it only takes losing someone once without warning to get you thinking about the moments you're allowed to have with those you love.
There are times where I wish he'd come back for one more hug. One last look into my eyes to subliminally tell him that I thank God for him.
I'm not sure how it became the norm, but every time he drops me off at my house, he will wait until I get my key into the door, for it to open, and for me to turn to look at him sitting in his car...before he waves at me. And I'll wave back.
He does that every time.
And that wave isn't frantic like a "goodbye" (you know, how you see at the end of movies...), but it's a subtle, unconscious "see you later". Which is why that first hug/touch/smile is so electric to me. It's like God gave us a gift in the form of a fulfilled "see you later".
Because none of us knows if we will every see anyone later, right?
- I performed at George Mason University. Shared the stage with people who hated Christians and thinks the Bible is a joke. Left with their respect and understanding of our differing views. Had a blast.
- Left the Liberty/Lynchburg bubble. Hallelujah.
- Laughed more than I ever have in a very long time...
- Didn't drink, smoke, or go to a club. And still had the time of my life.
- Was encouraged and blessed.
- Spent a whole day in DC, where I ate an out-of-this-world lunch at my favorite spot (Busboy's and Poets) and went to the Holocaust Museum. I've never had my heart broken over my own humanity so many times over the course of 2 hours before.
- Took tons of pictures.
- Played outside of my comfort zone. New comfort zone established.
- Heard dope new music...including an unnamed college jazz group who had voices that left me breathless.
- Navigated the DC Metro system without any help. :)
- Ate my first Five Guys burger. Soooo good, but will be going to the gym frequently for the next few weeks.
But what of those moments where things have gotten so out of control that we look around and wonder how Love became a catalyst for such unrest and pain? What is the answer when men overstep their commitment barriers or when a woman abuses her lover’s trust? What of the victims of gossip, manipulation, and one-sided friendships? The heart that always gives but never receives anything in return…where can love be naturally applied? I am a living, breathing testimony that Jesus is the source for all healing when you’ve suffered heartache at the hands of those you love. He is truly all you need. However, what are we commanded to do with the deep, God-given, inner desire for camaraderie and acceptance? Are we to generalize our dependence on the Father by disconnecting with each other? Or is it that a part of our communion with the Father is directly connected to our bond with each other?
Even before the Fall, God declared that it’s “incomplete” that man is alone. Adam had God all to himself…and even still he was incomplete. Not quite finished. Loved and the most precious part of His creation, but still lacking an important element: a companion. Someone like him, but unique enough to exist as a separate person. Why did God take out a part of an incomplete man (his rib) to make him complete? I feel that He wants us to remember that we weren’t always separated.
I’m thinking that forgiveness and trust is not only for the wounded heart, nor for the transgressor, but for the bond broken. For the good of us all, and not just individuals. The moment I become especially distant from the hearts that divinely pump life around me, the more the voice of my own self-interest drowns out the gentle whisper of our Lord. Love can be horrible. Confusing. And the ultimate test of our lives designed to connect us deeper and stronger to each other, and ultimately, to God the Father. I am not proposing that walking away should never be an option, but we should never forget that we are human beings. And we need each other.
The comfort and replenishment of Spring is not meant to last forever, lest the plants be overgrown or the earth be drowned by rain. Likewise, Winter is the necessary length to cease all things, even to the point of death. However, there is the moment when the first budding plant breaks through the melting snow...which is a sign that change is approaching. The seasons are regulated without the influence of man; showing the imminence of our God, who knows and controls all things. Just as we adjust our clothing according to season, we must also submit our lives to the seasons the Lord takes us through. In times of flourishing and in times of famine.
God never promised a continuous summer, but he asks us to stand on His loyalty and long-suffering. Rest your heart with the Sustainer of the Season and not the seasons themselves. Whether you are blinded by the glorious cloudless sky or beaten down by the tumultuous rain, peer beyond and see the Father...who remains Unmoved.
RT @Mz_Jazmyn13: We need mad luv for @kierrasheard to go #1 on iTunes Support!! Go buy her new single 'Trumpets Blow' #MUSIC
@JeffEsquire oh shoot! Get it!!
RT @theIntellwriter: Keep writing. Keep doing it and doing it. Even in the moments when it’s so hurtful to think about writing. – Heather A…
This week is MAKING me earn my vacation. G'lawd.
@yemisi !!!!!!!!! Jealous.
@BitchUJusMad hahah! right...Let's stay on topic. lol
RT @AskMoxie: Friend who lost everything in Sandy and still hasn't gotten anything from his insurance co is doing a fund drive for stranger…
@BitchUJusMad which would be anything above a size 8, technically. :)
RT @BennyAguayo: If I ran Bway, I would have every production this week perform the song "Oklahoma" at curtain call, and collect $ 4 the to…
@yemisi I know that's right! How's pops doing?
@TracitaLinda That's wonderful! Any tips/must see places? We're staying in San Jose...
RT @RejectApathy: For the victims of the Moore, Okla. tornado and disasters to come, here's 5 things you can do to help. http://t.co/qzmKlA…
RT @sevenly: Try to remember a time when you might have hurt someone. Go apologize for your actions.
@yemisi Aye where'd you go?
@ColumbusShort1 "Ish just got real." One of my favorite, well timed lines of the episode. Love it :)
@TracitaLinda You're from Costa Rica? Girllll!!!
RT @FastCompany: Yahoo shouldn't just buy Tumblr; it should learn from it. Here, 3 things Tumblr does really well: http://t.co/eM0OI9SSdK
RT @joshuadubois: Tendency for MSM to pull narrow lines, then Af Am intellectuals say it was victim-blaming. Don't get played - read the sp…