i.am.spoken.word.

Hello readers,

Please go to Be Still for my new blog location. Thanks!

So.

I'm getting married in 295 days.
...this may come as a huge surprise to many of my readers, considering I haven't posted in months. Needless to say, lots has happened since my last blog entry. But I'm positive we will have considerable time to go over all of the details.

...for now. I've compiled a variety of websites to help me in this process from betrothed to wife.
Hill City Bride is one of those resources.
Their current giveaway, a book entitled "When Me Becomes We", will help my fiance and I with a huge hurdle:
Decorating the love nest. [muffled giggles]

Wish me luck! :)

Here's the link:
Hill City Bride Giveaway

It was a ripe 85 degrees today.

I live in an area where the weather tends to be a bit unpredictable. Tomorrow may be clammy and peaking in the 50s. You never know. Regardless, it is definitely spring time. My college campus is filled with bright eyes and colors, shorter dresses and Docker cargo shorts. The general sense of well-being is higher, because the climax of spring gives hints to the coming of summer. My peers and I wanting to track star through finals, sell the tattered couch in our apartments that we're soon to be leaving, and prepare for another summer adventure.

Love is definitely in a challenging mode. People are either planning summer weddings or looking to get out of their current situations. For those of us who aren't at least engaged, being single during the heightened time of the year is promising. No one wants to be held down during the summer, right? The last thing you want is for your boyfriend to call you every night the week you are para-sailing down in the Cape with your Ladies Bible Study group. Freedom is a beautiful thing, isn't it? And for every one person that clamored near Thanksgiving to find a Winter boo to exchange hellos under mistletoe by Christmastime, two are fleeing love in the opposite direction, towards the call of summer's heat and sense of adventure.

Can't say that I blame these track stars....Summertime is usually a tough time for relationships.

Maybe I'm paranoid. It has been my experience that I will return to routine in late August with a new betrayal to deal with.

...anyway...I digress...

I encourage adventure. I have a deep, gut feeling that my life is destined to be an adventure. And I wouldn't dare desire to keep this kind of existence from anyone.

But, I want to give a word of caution, whether you are single or taken. Be cautious of the pull of this season. Make sure that your desire for adventure doesn't lead to you hurting someone who stuck with you through hard times. If you think it is a good time for a clean break, then do this sensibly. Know yourself.

Remember that people, although sometimes undependable, are not to be like seasons, because seasons are always changing.

More ramblings of things I am figuring out about myself.
2011 is going to be a doozy, I can already tell....

1. My heart beats for quality time. If you don't like to invest your time in me, it is the equivalent of a slap in the face. My true friends seek to spend time with me, not just tolerate having me around.
2. I get annoyed really, really easy. And even though I am working on not showing it outwardly, I will always have an inner reaction. Kind of like rolling my eyes at you in my head.
3. I'm still waiting on my BIG MOMENT. Not sure what that means yet. I really feel there is something significant that I haven't done yet. But I know its coming.
4. I enjoy being hospitable. Like, really enjoy it. It's important to me for people to enjoy being in my home; comfortable, well-fed, and entertained. I want to have a night where people lose track of time and are at my house until the wee hours of the morning. I'm scared I'm not that interesting yet, though.
5. My need to get in shape has become more about livelihood and vitality and less about my figure.
6. I have quite an ear for music. I appreciate actual instruments and harmony in a song...which is why I'm so picky of what I listen to...
7. I'm tapping into my "go with the flow" mode. I'm planning on taking a lot of chances this year, and bounce back 100% times faster if they don't work out.
8. Two things give me a headache without fail: Stress and Not eating.
9. I don't want anymore close friends right now. I need to cultivate the relationships I have.
10. Last year, I struggled with really wanting to get married. I haven't had a single thought like that so far this year. Now, I am thrilled I'm not getting married anytime soon. Thrilled, I tell you.
11. Three things I love right now: Books, Welch's Concord Cherry Grape Juice, Big singing voices
12. Above all things, God has been my counselor. I've had a pretty lonely road, so I'm glad I had/have him to release my pain to.

It's funny how a single song...3:34 minutes of music...can change your whole perspective of a situation. That's the beautiful thing about music: it can mold, as well as express, a mindset. Most of the time, this is a negative thing, but I like to think that music was meant to inspire.


Inspire well-being, peace, and determination.

Granted, I do get in those moods where I only want to listen to Coldplay, James Blunt, and Sam Cooke. My deep melancholy is expressed in the music playlist of my choice. As it is when I'm in a romantic, praise-oriented, or thuggish mood. So, I figured I'd share my all-time favorite inspirational tracks. God knows with the cold, frigid weather we could all use a little warmth.

1. When You Believe - Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston (Prince of Egypt Soundtrack)

My, oh my. What a year it has been for me. List is in no particular order...

1. Moved into my first place ever.
2. Got a new job as a graduate writing tutor.
3. Traveled more than I ever have; from VA to NJ, NY, SC, NC, DC, OH, and NJ again
4. Saw an amazing concert and actually talked to the lead singer. (I love you Phonte)
5. Ate a White Castle burger in the Bronyx.
6. Sat in a recording studio as my bf recorded poetry tracks
7. Performed poetry at a wedding
8. Applied for 40 summer jobs -- got 0. Applied for 30 jobs in VA -- got one of the best jobs on campus.
9. Ended my 2nd year as a Resident Assistant
10. Managed to not flunk out of graduate school
11. Retired straight hair
12. Obtained three side hustles: greeting card writer, professional blog writer, and manuscript editor
13. *** ****** ***
14. Exercised more forgiveness than I thought was possible
15. Dealt with jealousy, fear, and self-preservation (the three enemies of a relationship)
16. Witnessed the death of The Triangle
17. Saw three of my friends entangled in their own triangle
18. Learned a few phrases in Korean
19. Went to Victoria's Secret and saw a specialist. :)
20. Switched cell phone services and bought the Best. Phone. Ever.
21. Had my surprised birthday plans ruined...but plan B involved spending more money at once than I ever had. Had a blast doing it.
22. Gave my blessings to at least 10 friends who got engaged.
23. Had my first Five Guys burger.
24. Got therapy; professionally and semi-professionally
25. Turned 25. Feels great.
26. Put counseling techniques into practice and actually helped someone in the process.
27. Drove from VA to SC all by myself.
28. Went to a nightclub for the first time. Eh.
29. Almost got published.
30. Baked cookies at least once a week.
31. Went to the Holocaust museum. Changed my life.
32. Had a few amazing photo shoots.
33. Got to the 3 year mark with the bf. Many are holding their breath for the moment I get the ring..except me. :)

I have been a Christian since I was a little girl. I remember sitting in church, next to my mom and older brother, and hearing the preacher talk about the love of Jesus Christ. I'd heard many stories in Sunday School and at home about Noah and the Ark, Jonah and the Whale, and Adam and Eve. I even knew about Jesus performing miracles and coming to earth as a little baby. I loved those stories. However, it was something about that preacher's words that made me feel a warm sensation in my chest.

"Jesus loves me"

I knew that my parents loved me. I knew that my cousins and other family members loved me. But I felt that they kinda had to since we were born into the same family. It wasn't inconvenient, but it was obvious that it had to be the norm. But why did Jesus love me enough to give his life?

Why me?

Maybe it is simply a really good story. A metaphor for how life on earth is meant to be. Maybe Jesus is simply a nice teacher who was more of an advocate for universalism than faith in One God. Maybe he didn't resurrect on the third day and his bones are tucked away in Osama Bin Laden's hiding place.Maybe it, like all other religions, are a construction of the intricate human psyche. Or maybe Buddha is just as significant as Jesus who is equal to Muhammad. Maybe god is a figment of my broken imagination. Maybe I am god and don't know it.

I don't have certainty. Philosophically, none of us can be certain of anything. But I have faith that Jesus did come to earth, as God and Man, and died for me out of love and compassion for my sins. So that I can be free in this life and the next. I have faith that that day I prayed to Jesus for the first time, he heard me and answered.

At times, my faith is made tangible. Through an unseen comfort in moments where I faced sorrow, heartache, and despair alone. Certain evidences have appeared in my life that have blatantly hinted at a truth I learned as little girl:

"Jesus loves me"

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
—II Timothy 3:14-17

I am dating one of the most incredibly raw minds of this world. He sees his sporadic thinking as a flaw, but I believe that in moments where it acquires focus/purpose, he captivates the listener with a rare combination of wisdom, wit, and empathy. With that being said, it scares me when he feels that he cannot capture the respect/attention of other males. There is a part of his existence that has been backed into a corner, and I feel that speaking on his behalf would be overstepping my boundaries as the girlfriend.

His baritone has jarred me. Left me standing at full attention and ready to join him in both task and heart. While it is thrilling to watch his manhood stand out further among lesser Johns, I'm saddened that they secretly jeer at his words. And I'm unsure of the coming-of-age process. How men accept one another and respect the thoughts of another male. What convinces a male that he can stand in a man's shoes; fulfill his role, and gain the recognition of other men?

Hm.

Another friend of mine is engaged. Happily engaged. And I am forced to do that "mind thing" where I remind myself that it's okay that it's not me. Because I love him, and he loves me back. I trust that he, and more importantly, God, has a great, unique, taylor-made plan just for us. I'd rather wait another 10 years, enduring a seemingly endless dating purgatory than to do things too soon.



I'm okay.

"I am a part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.

I have Holy Spirit power.

The dye has been cast, I have stepped over the line.
I am a disciple of His.

I won’t look back,
Let up,
Slow down,
Back away,
or be still.

My past is redeemed.

I am finished with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, and dwarfed goals.

I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded.

I now live by faith,
Lean on his presence,
Walk by patience,
Live by prayer,
Labor by power,

My faith is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven.

My road is narrow, my companions are few. My guide reliable, my mission clear.

I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, or delayed.

I will not flinch in face of sacrifice,
Hesitate in the presence of the adversary,
or negotiate at the table of the enemy.

I won’t give up shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up, for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus.

I must go until he comes,
Give till I drop,
Preach until all know, and
Work till he stops me.

And when He comes for His own He will have no problem recognizing me."

-- Worth Dying For

My life is like a steady stream of chaos right now. My plate is full. Pilled to capacity with carbohydrate-rich foods, salty vegetables, and meats. Socially, I have a waiting list of people that I need to hang out with. And I'm worried about all of them.

"Brittney! You're ignoring me! We have to catch up!"
"Hey! When are we going to hang out?"
"I want to see you! Can we have lunch tomorrow?"

::slops on mashed potatoes::

I've been in a game of phone tag with a friend for about 3 weeks and I can't seem to have the time to talk to her.

"Stop ignoring my phone calls!" (via message)

::piles on collard greens::

I haven't called my mom in a week. I have 3 graduate classes that all have papers/projects due in the next seven days. I've cooked a real meal in my kitchen once this week. I'm juggling two part-time jobs and attend two small groups a week. I'm worried about using my boyfriend's gas allotment to get me back and forth to work; among his other problems that he's dealing with. I signed up to make two sweet potato pies for a dinner I'm attending this weekend. I'm in therapy (basically) and I need to start looking for an internship to get my supervision hours. My computer's at the shop to be fixed, and I need it to do homework.

::adds a slab of chicken-fried stake::

I want to go home. I want to sleep. I want to bake cookies and watch The Cosby Show. I want to snuggle underneath my boyfriend's rib and not move an inch.

No matter what I do, or how hard I try, someone goes without something they need from me. I'm worried about flunking an assignment. Or being a bad friend. Or being undependable.

God knows I can't do it alone, so I'm trying to trust him. Meanwhile, keep up with the momentum.

I believe that the political arena was created by people to help people. And there are moments in our history where it has served that purpose. The first settlers came to this land because they didn't want to be told how or who to worship. Some say that America was founded on Biblical principles. It's no matter to me, personally, because you can hold a Bible in one hand, and still grip a whip in the other hand. You can shake the hand of a red-skinned man in a gesture of brotherhood, while concealing a rifle behind your back.

Woefully, America was doomed to pay for her sins.

The same battle for freedom that the first Europeans sought from a harsh theocracy is being reflected in the subtle war of religious variety in America today. If you wish to build a land that is free from an established religion, then it must be just that. The tide will be determined, not by the power of the Christians, but by the heart/courage of the Christians. God decided to bring the Savior to earth during a time where one of the most feared rulers reigned. Why do believers feel that we are entitled to theocratic submission in a democracy? Go vote, yes. Shine your light, definitely. But don't think it strange when there are Muslims, Buddhists, and Atheists who are openly adamant in their faith. The existence of other faiths should not threaten yours. I believe in a God who is real, whether or not I believe in Him or worship Him. He will Be when America is long gone. He was here before its first Natives stepped on to its soil.

We need God back in our land, yes. But not necessarily back in the White House (assuming it ever was), or in the Pentagon. But in the people. The desperate, lost ones that walk the streets. The hurting and afraid that aren't even old enough to vote yet. We argue and bicker on the internet, in coffee shops, and in dorm rooms over policy but will go no further.

I still get sad when he leaves.
Not all the time, and not in a way that cripples me.
But I do dread that moment when he shifts in his seat, checks the time on his phone, and says,
"I think I'm going to get ready to head home."

I'll admit it.
My heart sinks a tad.

Yes, I know that it won't be long before I see him again.
And I have that first hug/touch/smile to look forward to...

Still.
Seeing him walk/drive away isn't always fun.
I think I'm dealing with the "see you later" becoming a possible "goodbye".
Sure, that's pretty pessimistic/paranoid, but it only takes losing someone once without warning to get you thinking about the moments you're allowed to have with those you love.
There are times where I wish he'd come back for one more hug. One last look into my eyes to subliminally tell him that I thank God for him.

I'm not sure how it became the norm, but every time he drops me off at my house, he will wait until I get my key into the door, for it to open, and for me to turn to look at him sitting in his car...before he waves at me. And I'll wave back.

He does that every time.
And that wave isn't frantic like a "goodbye" (you know, how you see at the end of movies...), but it's a subtle, unconscious "see you later". Which is why that first hug/touch/smile is so electric to me. It's like God gave us a gift in the form of a fulfilled "see you later".

Because none of us knows if we will every see anyone later, right?

1. I performed at George Mason University. Shared the stage with people who hated Christians and thinks the Bible is a joke. Left with their respect and understanding of our differing views. Had a blast. 
2. Left the Liberty/Lynchburg bubble. Hallelujah.
3. Laughed more than I ever have in a very long time...
4. Didn't drink, smoke, or go to a club. And still had the time of my life.
5. Was encouraged and blessed.
6. Shopped.
7. Slept.
8. Spent a whole day in DC, where I ate an out-of-this-world lunch at my favorite spot (Busboy's and Poets) and went to the Holocaust Museum. I've never had my heart broken over my own humanity so many times over the course of 2 hours before.
9. Shopped.
10. Took tons of pictures.
11. Played outside of my comfort zone. New comfort zone established.
12. Heard dope new music...including an unnamed college jazz group who had voices that left me breathless.
13. Navigated the DC Metro system without any help. :)
14. Ate my first Five Guys burger. Soooo good, but will be going to the gym frequently for the next few weeks.