everybody makes mistakes

quierobl replied to your post: journal.

No idea. Why don’t you try going away for a weekend to a larger city? You don’t have to make friends or talk to anybody, but just try soak in the environment, plus you might be able to find a cafe with poetry readings or the theater or a musical.

unfortunately I do that a lot—go to places and just watch people. And while it does make me feel better idk I don’t think it would cure the problem I’m having right now?? If that makes sense. orz;; Thanks for the suggestion, though! Also luckily I did find this which is a list of most of the poetry events in MN! EXCITE! :>

one thing I think I really do need to change though is this idea that I ALWAYS need someone with me when I go places. I mean, it’s been proven that no one likes approaching someone who’s part of a group. Maybe if I start going out by myself more it’ll be easier to meet new people. /o\

adamantineheart replied to your post: journal.

you should practice speaking to people with me because I like talking a lot, typing is restrictive to my soul because dyslexia

cries PHONES. ;; Come to Minnesota and we can talk face to face the phone is so terrifying idekd;fsg’;’fhdhdher

skippychan replied to your post: journal.

the questions you ask in the latter half of your post are things i ask myself too… maybe when you do go on outings, don’t push yourself to socialize, necessarily? just be in the environment, and socializing will come once you’re used to the space.

that’s probably the right way to do things. ;; idk I get so wound up because I feel like I’m not doing a good job at being social, and it just ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe if I can convince myself to try again I’ll just tell myself to not feel like I need to force anything and I’ll feel a bit more natural instead of worrying so much that I can’t get any words out. orz

poop I stayed up too late playing DDS2 and then slept in like a log covered in kittens so I missed it. 8( Thanks for the heads up, though!

iwasateenagezine:

I had a new dress made in this beautiful cat print originally designed by Tammis O’Keefe. I loooove everything about it!

Dress: Dash Ambler
Petticoat: Mode Merr

I kind of need a break from Digital Devil Saga 2 and there’s a lot of stuff I need to talk my way through idk.

lately I’ve been feeling really like… jumbled. It’s a feeling I haven’t had for a really long time, maybe even five or so years. And I still haven’t even really pinpointed what the feeling is?? Like, it’s not really an uneasy feeling. And I wouldn’t really say it’s depression either—I don’t really feel sad. Maybe a tiny bit hopeless but not in a necessarily bad way. (IF THAT MAKES SENSE? It probably doesn’t to people who’ve never had depression oh well.)

I think lately I’m just not satisfied? Of what, I’m not sure. I guess by my life in general? And it’s making me antsy trying to find ways to change it but I am so pitifully STUCK that I don’t know what to do.

like, if you look at my recent google search it looks like this:

“how to meet new people”
“events in Minnesota”
“events in forest lake”
“socializing for avoidant anxiety disorder”
“social get-together forest lake”

unfortunately ‘events’ are something that only people in the know tend to know about. I was thinking poetry readings and such would be interesting but uh I have no idea where you’d go to see a poetry reading and google isn’t helping. I’m not into live music so concerts are out of the picture (too loud and too expensive) but those are the easiest things to find information for. Maybe it would be interesting to take a class, I thought, but the only classes available nearby are dance classes which is just… ok I am already really putting a lot of effort into finding ways to meet new people here—I thinking letting someone touch me would be a little too much.

the best option that wouldn’t require me spending a million dollars, touching people, or driving a ridiculously long distance would be going to a bar or club which is sdgsjkl;gsd’kk

ghdfh;slhse5’ys0i’0b46o;ht; l;lshm;lem;lgsd;lgs’dfsdg

HORRIFYING??

perhaps a book club at the library? But that’s scary because everyone else knows each other and I’d be the odd one out.

idk sometimes I just get really lonely and it’s such a suffocating feeling because I really don’t have anywhere to turn if the one or two ties I usually go to aren’t available. Like, if Steph is moody and doesn’t feel like going anywhere that wouldn’t be so distressing if only I had someone else to go out to lunch with. I always feel so selfish and whiny when I pretty much FORCE Steph into going out with me but it’s like… who else do I have?

No one.

and that’s kinda………………. idk it’s kinda a lot of things. Kinda sad. Kinda scary. Kinda suffocating and lonely.

I’ve been watching a lot of self-help videos and reading a lot of articles and I am just. idk. I know the steps I need to take, but I have no one to hold my hand through the process. And I know a lot of people who read this will be like “just take the leap!” but it’s like… it’s not that easy. Just the THOUGHT of stepping outside my comfort zone and doing things that would lead to interacting with people I don’t know is so horrifying to me that it puts me on the verge of a panic attack. It’s like trying to drive your car when it’s in park—you can push the petal all you want but you have to dislodge the brake first. But in my case the brake is broken.

I’ve taken a lot of steps to fix it—I really have. And I’ve gotten a lot better. That probably sounds sad, considering how fucked I still am. But the fact that I eat in front of people now, and sit in the breakroom, and make eye contact, and make small talk sometimes… that’s huge. That’s really big. And it’s taken me years to even get to that point.

lately I’ve been considering maybe going back to therapy. I know I could probably talk to my family or even my online friends but I feel like I won’t get anywhere if it’s not an unbiased source—someone who understands what social anxiety is like, who won’t just end up feeling exasperated when I can’t move in the directions they recommend. But then I think I’ll just be too hopeful and thus too disappointed when they don’t have answers to all the questions I have.

like why I just have so much trouble asking questions about others: is it because I just don’t have the capacity to be interested? Or is it because I don’t think I have the right to be interested? Is it because I’m so intent on blending into the background?

and how can I teach myself to talk to people? How do I make the change from always bottling up my feelings to instead expressing them to others? How to I just start talking to people about absolutely nothing? How do I lead from small talk into a conversation that will takes us from stranger to acquaintances, from acquaintances to friends?

how can I boost my confidence enough to think I’m deserving of love and attention and conversation? How can I teach myself to believe the compliments instead of always getting stuck on the criticisms? How can I stop assuming that people never like me as much as I like them, if I can even at least get myself to believe that they like me at all? How can I stop feeling like all the people I know will hate me if I make one wrong move?

but I don’t think anyone has answers to those questions if I don’t. And I’m far from being able to answer them myself.

idk it’s time like this when I feel so estranged from the world. It seems like everyone has friends, and it’s so easy for them. But then I run away in horror at the idea of asking someone for their cell phone number, if it’s okay to add them on facebook, if they want to go out to get drinks with me. Sometimes I’m fine with this hand I’ve been dealt, because it has really taught me the worth of small things like being able to compliment people on the street on their shoes or someone giving you a nickname. But it also makes me feel sometimes like I’m trapped in my own head, screaming for my brain to work properly but it just won’t.

at the festival in St. Paul, all the people were so open and friendly. Perfect strangers making friends among the crowd. But I couldn’t even get myself to talk to a single person outside my comfort zone.

where is my life going to go from here if I can’t even do something as simple as make one damn friend.

There she waits looking for a savior
Someone to save her from a dying self
Always taking ten steps back and one step forward
She’s tired, but she don’t stop

lullaby~

and goodnight~~

go to sleep sweet Victoria~~~~

so ~~as you may know~~ yesterday was the big senate vote for the legalization of gay marriage in MN! I watched the whole thing and probably horrified my entire twitter feed by livetweeting the event. (Thank you so much to everyone who didn’t swiftly unfollow me… orz;;) But then when it passed I got SO EXCITED and we were gonna go down to the capitol because EXCITEMENT!!!! but then it turned out the party would be today for a rally and to watch the governor sign the bill into law and then there would be a big hubbub downtown to celebrate so—!

pride flags lined Wabasha bridge since yesterday morning and it’s not even pride month yet sd;ljg;sgsdg

I was pretty impatient this morning because as soon as I got up I just wanted to goooooooo uuu. orz;; But I still spent the morning dutifully playing with the cats and cleaning and getting ready.

my NARS polish finally chipped so all night last night I was like “what should I paint my nails with for such an occasion!??!???” and I decided on Daily Lacquer’s Chibiusa since it’s a nice wedding white with little pink heart sparkles.

black cats looking through window screens.

Wag wasn’t feeling too well this morning so I brought her outside so she could enjoy a little Me Time. Please ignore the overturned birdbath-evidently we have some unusually strong birds.

bashful.

then finally we were able to leave at around 2-ish and we went over to the grocer to pick up some stuff for a picnic. But then when at the grocer I realized I forgot my mom’s garage card (which was our ticket to free parking) so we had to go all the way home, grab the garage card, and then restart our journey. Luckily we still beat rush hour traffic. Though on the way there we saw an overturned tow truck and lots of terrible driving WOO HOO.

welcome to St. Paul.

also for some backstory today was like ridiculously hot. On Sunday we has sleet/snow mix and today it was about 93 degrees. So we were baking every time we were in the sun.

at first we thought we arrived before anyone else but HA FAT CHANCE we just hadn’t gone close enough to the capitol yet.

food.

everyone was clustered under this huge fucking tree since they wanted to stay out of the sun.

actually there was a nearly-astounding amount of plaid. Also, almost everyone seemed to know each other.

Can you see our governor at the podium? He’s the little spec with a gray suit and white hair.

crowdeddddddddd help.

the HRC flag is kinda….. okay.

Anyway there was a parade to downtown St. Paul after all the speeches wrapped up where they sectioned off a few streets and had it set up for a party with some well-liked local bands and a bunch of food trucks.

Steph’s dream has always been to eat at a food truck so we made it a reality and got a semi-cheap ‘smashed’ potato. It was okay I guess. Probably wouldn’t get it again. Three out of five stars.

we sat in this little section of the city that was essentially a fucking wind tunnel. I had to throw away half a banana when a huge gust of wind game by and covered it in dirt.

we also went to Starbucks since we were dying of heat stroke at that point. It felt kind of amazing to sit in the air conditioning and sip cool drinks. Luckily we got there before most of the rest of the crown because after like five minutes of peace it got obnoxiously busy so we left.

then we tried to rejoin the party but idk neither of us are huge party people so. We ended up heading the other direction and chanced seeing Wabasha bridge which was covered in rainbow flags yesterday morning even before the senate voted for marriage equality.

the view from Wabasha is quite nice.

then we went and attempted to rejoin the party but idk. I didn’t feel like there was much of a chance I’d actually socialize with anyone anyway so we decided we’d wander off again—this time toward food. We ate at Fuji Ya which was horrifyingly expensive—tasty, but not $20 worth. But I gulped back five glasses of water and filled my stomach and after that we decided it was getting late anyway and all that was left was nightlife-type stuff we had no interest in (drinking, dancing, willingly talking to strangers…) so we figured we’d head home. Besides, we wanted to be back in time for the evening news to see what they had to say about the day’s events.

the first station we turned on was Fox and, as you’d expect, the biggest and most important thing that was happening in the state all day wasn’t evening worthy of the opening spot to them—no, they’d rather talk about a possible city park in Minneapolis. So much more important, right? And then they only spent like five seconds on the gay marriage bill. Boo fuck you Fox news.

that aside, though, today felt pretty amazing. A lot of social justice people I follow here and in other parts of the ~blogosphere~ tend to give the battle for marriage equality a bad wrap, because it (truthfully) focuses too much on something that is very upper-middle-class and majority white (I couldn’t help but notice that in the middle of the city about 98% of the attendees to the rally were white) and—let’s face it—marriage is just not nearly as important as the suicide rate of trans teens and other similar issues. But seeing the happy faces of everyone, overhearing all these couples making wedding plans and excitedly talking about how they can actually get married in their home state, witnessing the tears of people who have fought so hard for this and thought this kind of equality would never come in their lifetime—it just felt so worth it. It created this strange day in which gay couples—even ones who likely wouldn’t do so otherwise—could walk down the streets holding hands and being intimate like any other couple. It created a day and hopefully a huge step toward a culture where more non-straight couples can actually feel safe in their relationship instead of terrified because of it.

I know there are still so many steps to take toward true equality, and that this doesn’t fix the hate crimes, the exclusion, the erasure of so many in the LGBT community. Having to listen to the anti speeches during yesterdays senate hearing made that abundantly clear. But that doesn’t make what I witnessed and felt today any less beautiful.

one less hurdle out of the way—now we just have many more to smash down in the face of ignorance! For once, in this sad hateful world, I feel like it’s possible!

buttonpoetry:

Chelsea Coreen - “Fart”

“But how @%^# up are our standards of beauty, or gender constructs… that we make little girls hold in their farts until no one is around to smell them”

“When I used to visit my grandmother in the hospital she would make me apply her red lipstick for her - she said she couldn’t be seen without it.”

Chelsea Coreen, of SUNY Oneonta, performing during Semi-FInals at the 2013 College Unions Poetry Slam Invitational.

cockringtoss:

IT PASSED MINNESOTA IS THE TWELFTH STATE TO PASS MARRIAGE EQUALITY I AM CRYING

I am READY for a stressful afternoon of listening to the MN senate hearing!!!

GO MINNESOTA GO GO GO

if you’re in the mood to stress out you can watch it too LET’S WATCH IT 2GETHER

hibikikuze:

some brief incomplete notes abt the fucked up ways ppl on tumblr treat bl as a genre and its fans

• its awful and shallow and horrible for featuring queer sexual relationships, bc that means its just for horny women to get off to right lmfao!!!! never mind that womens sexuality is already denigrated to hell and back by society and that by treating bl, a genre aimed primarily at women, as worthless you are putting down womens interests and womens sexuality in exactly the way society already loves to i.e. by treating them as meaningless by default regardless of actual content bc they are for female consumption
• not to mention the implication that queer sexual relationships themselves are only about sex, which is also hella common in society; queer ppl are regularly reduced to “GAY SEX!!!” and whether you intend it or not comments like “bl is just abt porn lmfao” stink of the same sentiment
• all women who enjoy bl are FETISHIZING HOMOSEXUALITY AND SHOULD BE VILLAINIZED AND TREATED AS HOMOPHOBIC SCUM despite the fact that plenty of ladies who like bl are queer themselves and personally relate to these relationships, characters, and stories
• all women who enjoy bl are FETISHIZING HOMOSEXUALITY AND SHOULD BE VILLAINIZED AND TREATED AS HOMOPHOBIC SCUM because its so much easier to use pseudo-sj language to attack women and teenage girls on the internet for exploring sexuality in a safe and relatively harmless way than it is think critically about the intense pressures w/in society that prevent both straight and queer women from learning about and exploring sexuality otherwise. its so much easier to make text posts about how horrible Yaoi Fangirls are than it is to reflect on societal expectations of female sexuality

in conclusion, lay the frick off bl if you arent going to criticize it or its fans in any meaningful way; there are plenty of valid criticisms of the genre and the fandom to be made so go make those instead of being edgy fake sj

say hello to our new babies!

my mum got a Mother’s Day card from the cats.

87daysbefore:

like you ever get in those moods where you wanna hang out with people but you’re not in like a pumped mood and you’re really blah so it’s like not okay but you want to hang out if that makes sense????

bublog:

OK BUB, now you’re just showing off.

rennerei:

sigh