oh hey, im erika.

I love Jesus, my husband, Younglife, people, making music and art. I read and I bike ride (not at the same time). I really like ice cream.

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February 29, 11:00 PM

My way (Anyone else hummin' Usher?)

My morning routine has been quite jacked with since the arrival of Prince Thaddeus. My first action upon meeting the day is to pop out a boobie and fill his belly. Before I used to get up & make the bed. I'm lucky if that even gets done before it's time to hibernate back into it and start the cycle again. But when it is time to make it....I do it with such precision. With such strategic planning and grace...you think I'm kidding, I'm not. I strip the whole bed, I whip the sheets (as to rid them of the night's sleep's dead skin particles), I make sure the sheets are tucked in, then comes the down comforter, equal on all sides mind you, then comes the yellow quilt I got on clearance at Target that made my whole month of November. Then I fold the yellow quilt back about 5....sometimes 6 inches if I'm feeling bold...the white pillows go in back, the yellow pillows in front, then the 2 throw pillows in front of those. And wa-la. The bed is made. And it's hot diggity dog damn beautiful. It is. But alas, the days of OCD bed making are rare and spare apart, and sometimes the man of the house makes the bed. Now, Josh's way of making the bed is to just cover it with the comforter, pull over the yellow quilt, hop those pillows on and DONE! The sheets are crooked on each end and you can't help but notice the bulge of sheet remainder covered by the comforter that makes you jus want to say "It's not a tumah." There is a huge point to this story so keep reading....we are close. After months of "fixing" the way my loving husband makes the bed I was one day in mid grump whining to myself "What can't he just make the bed right?! I don't understand how he doesn't know how...." I felt that ever so gentle butt kick from my most patient Savior just stop me in mid self pity and it hit me....he reminded me of something I swore I'd be good at once we had a baby.....the fact that my husband KNOWS how to make a bed....just because he doesn't do it MY WAY doesn't mean he isn't doing it right. Ouch. Because it's not just the bed, it's down to the way he vacuums, or cooks, or folds laundry, or fills up the gas tank, and recently how he fathers our son. See folks, I promised myself I was never going to be that naggy mother that belittles her husband to do things the way SHE does them because I'm home all day with our baby and have gotten the routine down, but here I have been and I heard myself saying things like "Honey, if you change him sitting up it works better", "No don't wash his face like that, do it like this..", "Wait, hold him this way, not that way."....etc...etc..etc. Here's the thing. Josh is Thad's dad. I am Thad's mom. I'm going to do certain things a certain way and Josh is going to do it a certain way. He's going to hold Thad like he's the Dad, I don't want him to hold him like a mom, cause I'm the mom. You get it?! Do you get it? Things are going to look different, be different, be done differently, and it's not wrong, it's different, and that makes it right. Josh is the dad. And he's such an amazing one, he's an amazing man, why would I ever want to make him act like the mom? That's just gross. So this past month I found myself letting things go, letting Josh do things the way he does them and then thanking God I have a husband who knows who he is and isn't afraid to be himself! Because the truth is I don't want a husband who lets me push him around or let's me have my way all the time....because that sounds like a really selfish and musty way to live. I like a little flare in my days, in my life. So I let him make the bed the way he makes it and then I thank God my husband makes the bed. So I'm ok with the coffee mugs not all hanging on the rack, because whatever, they are still cups, and I thank God my husband helps me with housework. And I let him be rough with Thad and I smile even when I'm nervous that that might be too rough for a 3 month old, because my husband LOVES his son, and I thank God my son will have a father who will teach him how to be a man. This is what I am learning. It's made life a lot more free.

So the next time you come over and there is a sheet bundled underneath the comforter and the yellow quilt is draped a little too much to the left, pat me on the back, and let me know I'm doing allright. I'd appreciate it.

'til next time....

May 01, 12:46 PM

These words just don't seem like enough.

That is all I can think of when people ask me what it's like being a mom. Here I am 10 weeks after my baby boy was born and I cannot imagine life without him and barely before him. I adore my husband with every fiber of my being and never thought I could love another person the way I love him....but here I am with my 13 pound of chub napping next to me and I can't stop looking at him. I am enthralled by him. I can't stop kissing his cheeks, his hands, his feet, and even when his neck rolls smell cheesey, he's still perfect to me. I always thought of the kind of person I wanted to be when I was ready to have kids....and I'M NOTHING like her. I still think farts are funny, I'm still a smart ass, I'm still obsessed with reality tv, wear sneakers, and I still don't like to comb my hair. I am nothing like the paisley diaper bag carrying, boot cut jean wearing, baby food making, most gentle women in the world kind of mother I thought I'd be. I'm still me. And as much as I love myself....I love my baby so much more. My added prayer every night of being the kind of wife God wants me to be has been to be the kind of mother God wants me to be to my son. I want to make him smile, laugh, I want to make him feel like he is the smartest boy, the most fun to be around, the funniest, the strongest, I want to encourage him. I don't want to tease him or embarrass him. I want to make him feel brave, so when he wakes up and it's dark he knows to pray to Jesus. I want to make him feel confident so when he is insecure he will remember that God made him fearfully and wonderfully. There is so much I want to teach him, and so much I don't know.....he makes me want to be better at math, and know more about history, he makes me want to watch a copious amount of "how it's made'' reruns so...you know, I'll know how it's made. I knew the minute I was pregnant I had a lot of growing up to do, but the first time he was put into my pale, puffy, tired arms....I knew I needed to step my game up. And even with all of those thoughts the greatest truth I heard was a gentle and quiet whisper saying "YOU are enough, here is your son...get ready to understand." And Lord knows I do. I understand. There is no love like this. There is no job more important than being a mother. There is no adventure like this. Here I am 2 months in and I'm getting that.

Son, my love, you were worth 5 months of nausea, you were and are worth less sleep,you are worth the stretch marks, you are worth tons of spit up and soiled laundry, you are worth a tired body. I don't miss life before you, not one bit. You are the 3rd best thing I've ever done with my life. And I promise I will pray for you everyday, thank God for you, and I hope you will always know you will always have me. I'm your momma. Forever and ever. I love you with my soul baby boy.

November 10, 02:57 PM

Christmas Bucket List

I seriously haven't blogged in 9 months.....well here I am 9 months pregnant. Lounging on the couch in my PJ's with my cider making my Christmas Bucket List. I love this season and am so so so excited to TRY and do these things....with a brand new baby some of them might not happen and I'm ok with that but I am so excited to spend the Holidays with my new little man.

Happy Fall/Winter!

Christmas Bucket List:

o Bake Nutella cookies

o Get Christmas Pajamas for the family

o Get Ornaments for the family

o Get a Christmas Tree

o Read the Story of Jesus’ birth one night as a family

o Go to a church service on Christmas Eve

o Drink Hot Cocoa and Decorate the Christmas Tree

o Christmas the house

o Get Amos a ugly dog sweater

o Leave random gifts at people’s doors or grocery cards

o Find a Charity to donate to

o Go to Candy Cane Lane

o Go to a Christmas Party

o Kiss my husband under some mistletoe

o Take a family picture with Santa

o Go to Johnny’s Christmas Bazaar

o Go to a tree lighting

o Go to Streets of Bethlehem

o Go to the Musical Light House

o Go get starbucks and window shop

o Go for a walk in Carmel

o Donate old jackets/clothes to a shelter

o Donate to Toys for Tots

o Donate $ or food the food bank

o Go to the Dickens Fair

o Read Christmas Stories to my son

o Go to the Boat Parade

o Go to a Christmas Parade

o Wrap Presents, watch Christmas Movies and drink glogg

o See a play or concert

o Eat Holiday Sundays

o Have a cookie baking party

o Build a gingerbread house as a family

o Jingle bell walk

o Pop popcorn and watch "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"

o Watch:

o It’s a wonderful life

o The Holiday

o Elf

o The Family Stone

o Charlie Brown Christmas

o The Christmas Classics

o The Nativity Story

o A Christmas Story

March 16, 03:18 PM

Parks and Rec.

I'm obsessed with this show and I wish Aubrey Plaza was my best friend.

The End.

March 10, 11:33 PM

Recently Recents.

(Took this with my phone right now and I liked it.)

I haven't blogged in approx. 3 months. Not because I haven't had things to say, more because I am just hella lazy.

And I have discovered that my type A personality is best organized in bullets and numbers. So here is an update, for those of you who have missed my ramblings.

What I am learning in friendships:

They are hard. Friendships are wavering. They can hurt and they aren't forever. Here is the thing I have had my share of wavering friends. I have had some that have ended because we both sucked at keeping in touch, or went on our own ways and never made the effort. I have had some end because something somewhere became too much for either one of us, so we bailed on each other, in the hard moment, didn't fight for it, or didn't see the worth. And then there are the ones that some kind of conflict occurred and afterwards there was no recovery, no reconciliation. That last one...well that last one can be pretty heartbreaking. I've been on the other end of friendships that somewhere in there I made a mistake and when things got hard, I got ditched. That feeling sucks, it's hard, I have felt disposable, I have felt worthless, I've downright felt like a really miserable person that no one really loved when they saw that I was messy and dirty, not perfect, and had issues. Honestly, those were the moments...in my mess.....where I needed those people to stick by me, wipe the dirt off my face and say "I love you anyways." But that's been a rare occurrence and it's caused a lot of calluses around my heart. Those moments have been my crutch when I say "I don't trust people, because when you do you just get hurt." I've leaned on that more than I did on my faith and the promise that God could heal me from it. But about a year ago, Jesus told me He would guard my heart and protect it, and that if I trusted Him, than it wasn't my job to try and do it myself. So He sent me some really beautiful people around that time, to test me, to sharpen me, to challenge me, to love me. These people taught me things about myself, helped me to trust, and opened my heart to friendship, and made me believe that it was good and fun and that the person I am, right now, could be loved...not just by people who "had" to love me (Josh and my family). But that is is quite possible that I could have friends who love me for who I am, scars, stains, mistakes and all. And it made me want to love them the same, it made me want to love people the same.

Those past broken relationships left scars on my heart, it will always hurt a little I think, but man, the love I have felt and feel and get to share with others, it's never felt so freeing. Friendship is scary, it's not certain and there is risk. But I am learning to not hold back on loving people, because people are worth it, and you know what? I am worth it too. I am not disposable. I am worth getting to know.

What I am learning in marriage:

To thank God. To praise Him. To thank Him for my husband and to praise Him for where He has brought Josh and I. We haven't had the easiest of times. The past few years have been so damn rough but so incredibly beautiful. I have cried and weeped before God to take me out of our marriage and I have cried and weeped these past few months thanking Him that He didn't. He never gave up on us, He always knew who we could be together, He ALWAYS had a plan. And my husband, he is my gosh dang hero. I have never had more love in my heart for him, I have never longed more in my soul for fellowship with him. He is perfect to me, even in his flaws, because Josh is God's son, made in His image, on the same journey as I am, and I am honored, so honored I GET to be married to such a man. Josh is kind, patient, not easily angered, he forgives me, he rejoices in good things with me, he trusts me, he protects me, he isn't rude or selfish, and he believes and hopes in Jesus. And Jesus NEVER fails.

What I am learning from Jesus:

That hanging out with Him makes you healthy, balanced, and makes you realize how blessed you are. That when you pray for a "Faith like Job's" He is going to give it to you. (So be careful) That Gospel music, as cheesy as it can be can make you cry. That His words bring life to my thirsty soul. That His timing can heal. That suffering is a part of life on earth and experience really does make you more wise. That I am not worthy, but I have worth.

I suppose that is all for now. I hope you read this and didn't just get offended that I said a few cuss words. And I hope you know that Jesus is working in your life too. You have worth.

November 30, 10:48 PM

Merry Christmas Grumpy Pants.

I love Christmas. I'm one of those people who get excited about the red christmas cups at Starbucks, I can't wait to bust out scarfs, I pee a little when there are christmas lights everywhere, and the day after thanksgiving I only listen to Christmas music. I am one of THOSE people. So this blog may be biased. It may be a little naive and it may be an overflow of my optimism. But I need to write this.

I was picking up some of my YL friends for club and as we passed this very lit, very decorated house I slowed down and said (in a very 26 year old mature woman voice) "Heeeeyyy look at that happy house!" and in the back 2 of the boys were all of a sudden Ebenezer freaking Scrooge. "I hate Christmas it was a pagan holiday...Jesus was really born in the spring etc."

(I told them I was going to blog about them and they said it was ok and felt "honored".)

So I let them have their moment. Then everyone started talking about cup of noodles or something. This hasn't been my only experience with this kind of attitude. I've had several conversations with several different people about the "spoiled, fat, and lazy" reputation that we Americans have acquired. I mean black friday, I get it, it's gross how obsessed with things we are. I get that, and I don't deny that. I read a tweet the other day that said:

"Americans spend $450 billion on Christmas every year. It would cost $10 billion dollars to give the whole world clean water."

Yes, it's sad. Yes, we have an abundance of things. Who really needs a $3 toaster? I don't know. But here is the beautiful thing here. And if we can stop bitching (I can't think of a better word, so I apologize for those of you who never hear/read swear words...don't go to the movies) over how gross americans are and how spoiled we are I feel like we can find beauty in Christmas. So this is my soap box list, maybe it will help, maybe it will upset you, maybe you will just think I am silly and don't care about reality. But I do. Because Jesus is the reality here.....not $3 toasters.

1) There is Christmas music on the radio. I'm all for some Mariah Carey (BTW I highly doubt all she wanted for christmas was the guy she was singing about....just sayin') Guys....did you not read me?! There is CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE RADIO! Do you know what that means? That means apart from "let it snow" and "frosty the snowman" they are singing "Silent Night", " O Holy Night" and "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" Have you ever read the lyrics to those songs? Example:

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

They are playing this stuff in stores, on public radio, in supermarkets, in malls. This is a worship song. And it's the one time in the whole year where you will hear Jesus' name, life, and mission being honored and praised and no one is angry about it, and if they are no one cares. This is worship. And it's to Jesus.

2) Everyone knows what Christmas is about. Even if they say "happy holidays" they are basically just acknowledging saying "Merry Christmas" is offensive, which Jesus is. But no one can deny that this is a celebration of the birth of Christ, no matter what else you want to call it, no matter what you chose to say or celebrate. It's Jesus' birthday....maybe not literally of course...but where are our hearts? They are thankful, they are in awe. And if we can share that aspect of it without getting pissed off about the commercialism of it all, I think we can better spread the joy we have that this little baby came to save us and before He did we were hopeless.

3) Family time. No matter how dysfunctional, dramatic, or awkward I think it brings great joy to God that this day brings people together. Not just family, but friends, loved ones. God invented relationships and I like to think it makes Him happy when we are together.

4) Gifts. I've been told by many on numerous occasions that this is my love language. It makes sense I suppose. I LOVE gift giving. I love it. And yes, I've fallen victim to really tacky gifts, and I am sure I am victimized loved ones as well. But I like the fact that people think of each other. Even if it's in a superficial way as to "I HAVE to get so and so a gift". I am not embracing that as the way it should be, I think they should be thoughtful, creative, but not everyone has that gift.....seriously. Some people just aren't creative in the gift giving way, but here is the thing.....people are trying. People are trying! I love that. I hate money. But I like the idea that we are spending money on other people if only to just remind them we thought of them. There is something kind of innocent about that if you really think about it. It's like macaroni art when you were in kindergarden. You know deep down your mom isn't really dying to have one....I think at an early age we even think that....but dang, when you give it to her and she is stoked. I like to think it's like that while you are exchanging gifts. People are trying for other people. I think there is something lovely in that.

That's all I've got for now. I am sure I'll think of more...I always do.

Friends, this is the word we live in. And there are beautiful people in it trying to make it different. But what do we expect? It's a fallen world. Are we expected to understand how to celebrate a perfect and holy baby king? I don't think so, because even our purest worship is so much less that He deserves. But I do think we can try. We can try and make the best out of the fact that there is more to this season than black friday and shopping, and nasty fruit cakes, and egg nog. There is more here and I want to embrace the innocence here that Jesus came in a manger and wise men brought him gifts, and there was a star that led them to Him. I don't want to be angry at what we have made it, I just want to do it differently. And I think that is possible! I really do. Let's start by stop being so angry. How about it?

Let's sing along with the radio...

His power and glory ever more proclaim!

November 23, 07:15 PM

I have a good life because of the people in it.

"Every burden I have carried,

Every joy--it's understood.

Life with you is half as hard,

And twice as good."

November 18, 02:01 AM

Hunger.

This is Sara Miles:

She started a food pantry in San Francisco. She believes that food is one of the most powerful tools to bring people into community with Jesus. I like food and I like Jesus. In a few weeks a friend and I are going to go volunteer for half the day at the food pantry and I am SO excited about it. She wrote a book about her stories there called "Jesus Freak" and here are some of my favorite things she said:

"God doesn't need me to take care of everyone. God just needs me to recognize Jesus whenever He shows up and say 'hi'."

"Jesus gave us the authority to heal as He sent us out. He doesn't show us how to make the blind see, or even drive out demons. But He shows us how to enter into a life in which the broken and held in love. In which the deepest desires of our hearts draw us to health. don't be afraid, he said, your faith has made you well."

"I realized who Jesus often asks the desperate people who came to Him 'do you want to be well'. Do you want to be well even if it hurts? Do you want to be well if it separates you from your own identity? Do you want to be well more than you want to stay the same? Real healing means following the truth."

"Jesus is real, and so praise God, are we. Every single thing the resurrected Jesus does on earth He does through our bodies. You are fed, you are healed, you are forgiven, you are pronounced clean. You are loved and you are raised from the dead. Go and do likewise."

The last quote was the very last paragraph of the book and it make me tear up.

God is so beyond me and I'll never get enough of Him.

November 15, 12:43 AM

Jesus loves the stubborn, whiny babies.

I mean these isn't really a verse in the bible that says that. But I am certain He does. I just finished reading through Job about a week ago and one of my favorite verses in the book (Job is my favorite book. #extraglimpsesintomylife) is this:

"Think of how you have instructed many, how you have strengthened feeble hands. your words have supported those who stumbled; you have strengthened faltering knees. But now trouble comes to you and you are discouraged, it strikes you and you are dismayed. Should not piety be your confidence and your blameless ways be your hope?" -Job 4:3-6-

So this was Job's good old pal Eliphaz (which always reminds me of a wizard of oz character) and He is speaking to Job basically saying "Dude, you have been an instructor, a guide, an advisor to so many and now that you are in a position of trouble/testing/weakness/trial you are discouraged and dismayed....what....the...heck?!" Obviously not the real words...actually maybe in some translation somewhere....but besides the point.....I wish I could say that this wasn't ever me when I am in the midst of a trial. I mean, it is easy to give advice...and I don't think it is just easy for me. I think as a culture we are a bunch of impatient quick fixing machines. I think we love trying to fix things and we feel pretty good about ourselves when we are able to give a solid piece of advice. I mean, I don't always think this is a bad thing, for the most part I really do think people have the best intentions in doing this and I like to think in my optimistic brain that we care about the people around us enough to want to see their lives be easier. I'm a younglife leader, it's what I do, and if you are in ministry such as younglife or a youth group, or a small group leader....etc etc....we are leaders, people come to us, and we pray for them, and encourage them, we give them verses and we help, we are helpers. It's a calling and it's a beautiful one. But when the situation is reversed and we are on the other side of the spectrum (by we I mean me...and maybe you too?) this verse that I shared is the verse that I hear most of the time while driving somewhere. Not all the time, and honestly there are only certain issues that I face in times of testing that I honestly doubt God can fix. They seem impossible and they seem forever. The pain, the discouragement, the doubt, it all seems like it is too much for God, and obviously way too much for me. So I sulk, I say cuss words when I pray, and I harden my heart and sit in my mess. And I don't want to move, because moving means I am going to have to say that I am sorry. And I don't want to say that I am sorry because that means I was wrong. And I hate being wrong. See I can help people all day, I can pray all day for people, I can intercede for people and believe with all my heart that God will do His best and perfect will for their lives, but it's when I get hit with a conflict, an argument, an insecurity, a doubt, an offense, I don't care about where I directed everyone else, because I don't believe that God can or will do the same for me.

I get this is a lot to post on a silly blog. I get that. But I also get I am not the only one who has ever felt that way/feels this way.

When did God's promise become enough for everyone else but us? And when did we accept the lie that His grace's sufficiency was limited to our dirty hands?

I want to say it stops now and by a click of a mouse I am healed of this. I want to say that tonight is the night I stop believing the lies. I want to say that this is the trial, the test, that forces me to trust Him completely. I want to say all that but I won't, because it's not true. But I can start by saying it will be true. I can start by believing He has the best waiting for me. I will start by trusting that this will pass and that He is on my side. I can take those steps for now and I can start by saying I believe the other things will fall into place. All I can do is try and I am really seeing that that is all He is asking me to do.

I do believe when I am weak, Jesus, You are strong. You are perfect.

November 02, 08:24 PM

Ramblin's

"When a man is getting better he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him."

-C. S. Lewis

This is the thing I like about having a twitter. I "follow" some pretty legit quote makers. AW Tozer, Bob Goff, Oswald Chambers, and CS Lewis are my favorites. This was the one that was posted on the CS Lewis feed and I found it to be incredibly encouraging.

I am a dirty stinky sinner. I realize I am beautiful and pure in the sight of Jesus....I get that, and I am thankful for it "errday" of my life, but by golly geeze there is so much....SO MUCH rotten nast in my heart. I've been realizing how impatient I am, and how everything that I want God to change about my heart has to do with my patience. Such as, I am easily frustrated, when I feel like I am not being understood...oh gosh. My initial reaction is "Ugh nevermind!" (Ask Josh) Or I am not that great of a listener, but I really want to be, so lately I have been trying to focus on what people are saying, and not what I need to do next...that's honestly pretty tough for me, but it won't be forever, God's working it out.

All this to say, I like that I am aware of my faults....at least these ones...for now. Because, I suppose that means I am getting better, not perfect, but I am growing. Every day, every trial, every test, I am being brought from glory to glory, by God's patience where mine falls short, by God's grace, when I am weak. By His mercy, when I am slow on figuring crap out. He's working in me, and sometimes it isn't always comfortable, but it's comforting knowing if I was just to stay this way forever, it would be enough, I would be enough for Him, He'd still love me, but I like that He's teaching me how to live life.

Please don't take this as "Oh EM Gee.....Erika like totally hates herself.." Because I don't. I actually really like myself...probably more than I should. I am encouraged that we have a God who loves us the way we are, but enough to adjust us, and it's FOR us. Yes, He uses us for His glory....but He works in us so we can have abundant life, a good life, one we can enjoy....and let's face it, we do life a lot better when we are healthy. We love with others better when we love ourselves enough to love others. (That made sense....read it again.)

Okay ready....here is the proof:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)

Pure Joy! Develops! Finished Work! Mature and complete...We'll get there.....let's keep going.

October 28, 03:11 AM

I did nothing.

"It is not repentance that saves me— repentance is only the sign that I realize what God has done through Christ Jesus. The danger here is putting the emphasis on the effect, instead of on the cause. Is it my obedience, consecration, and dedication that make me right with God? It is never that! I am made right with God because, prior to all of that, Christ died. When I turn to God and by belief accept what God reveals, the miraculous atonement by the Cross of Christ instantly places me into a right relationship with God." -Oswald Chambers.

It is finished....that is lovely.

October 26, 03:47 PM

PS:

This week I purchased:

Taylor Swift - Speak Now

JJ Heller - When I am With You

Joe Purdy- Joe Purdy

All which are really good. I expected some fluffy guilty pleasure pop songs from T-Sweezy. But it's actually a really well done album. Make note.

October 26, 03:36 PM

In 2.5 days....

This kid will be here visiting us Soto's. Um, yeah nbd.....

(We can't wait to see you Mondo!)

October 13, 06:11 PM

Dates With Jesus

(This is my idea of a perfect date with Jesus.....btw.)

I've been really taking this serious lately. Experiencing things with Jesus. Spending time with Him. Riding my bike with Him. Making time for Him.

I feel like the last 11 years of my life that I have been asking Jesus to change me, to transform me. To make me like Him. How the heck do I expect this if I don't spend quality time with Him.

I've been married to Josh for 3 years, we are genuinely morphing into the same person. We laugh the same, we talk the same, and simple things like the legs of his pants are getting smaller. (No me gusta wide leg jeans) All joking aside, it's because we are around each other, we catch us, we enjoy each other, we live with each other. I am finding that even with my closest friend I began to start saying things that they do, or thinking the same things are funny. Who I spend my time with is really who I reflect. And in my heart of hearts I desire to be more like Jesus, it's so obvious how to do that, in this way, and why the heck would I not want to hang with the guy. He is funny, He is creative, He loves music, and He loves me at every moment, even when I am not my best, even when my best is awful. He is simple and mysterious. He is easy going and He is also direct.

I feel like if we can start to consider His character then we would really stop looking at church, prayer, His word as work. Maybe, I don't know everything, but I think it makes sense. It isn't work to have to call one of my friends to catch up, it isn't work to see my husband at the end of the day and laugh with him. Why is it work to read my bible? Because it's not boring. Why is it work to pray when God is so easy to talk to and such a good listener?

God help us get this down. Help us remember Your character. You are great.

September 24, 02:41 AM

I want to live this.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

-Matthew 6:33-

I want to love God with all I have, so everything that comes from me is the overflow of my heart for Him.

I want to care about His kingdom first and know my human needs will be met.

I want to cherish my relationship with Him and see that I will have healthy relationships with others, because I have a healthy relationship with Him.

I don't want to try to be good enough or better for anyone, I want to remember that I am good enough for my Heavenly Father. And my identity in Him will sustain me, motivate me, change me, renew me, and restore me.

I want to stand in His truths and His thoughts about me. And I want His voice to drown out anything different.

Man, God is a personal God. He blows my mind.

September 06, 02:38 AM

I love how we get to share in His victory.

August 31, 06:53 PM

I read this today.

Jesus said "the kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say "here it is" or "there it is" because the kingdom of God is within you." (Luke 17:20-21)

Holler.

- Blogged using my iPhone. Huzzah.

August 29, 11:45 PM

WHAT'S THE GOOD OF PRAYER?

(I took this from My Utmost For His Highest, one of my favorite books. I feel like Jesus has really been teaching me these things. We have not because we ask not. But how crazy that the Holy Spirit prays FOR us when we don't know what to pray. How crazy that maybe we might be praying the wrong things? IE "God deliver me from this instead of "God deliver me IN this!" How crazy that the Almighty, Creator of ALL things, lends His ear to us. He listens. He cares. Crazy.)

"Lord, teach us to pray." Luke 11:1

It is not part of the life of a natural man to pray. We hear it said that a man will suffer in his life if he does not pray; I question it. What will suffer is the life of the Son of God in him, which is nourished not by food, but by prayer. When a man is born from above, the life of the Son of God is born in him, and he can either starve that life or nourish it. Prayer is the way the life of God is nourished. Our ordinary views of prayer are not found in the New Testament. We look upon prayer as a means of getting things for ourselves; the Bible idea of prayer is that we may get to know God Himself.

"Ask and ye shall receive." We grouse before God, we are apologetic or apathetic, but we ask very few things. Yet what a splendid audacity a childlike child has! Our Lord says - "Except ye become as little children." Ask, and God will do. Give Jesus Christ a chance, give Him elbow room, and no man will ever do this unless he is at his wits' end. When a man is at his wits' end it is not a cowardly thing to pray, it is the only way he can get into touch with Reality. Be yourself before God and present your problems, the things you know you have come to your wits' end over. As long as you are self-sufficient, you do not need to ask God for anything.

It is not so true that "prayer changes things" as that prayer changes me and I change things. God has so constituted things that prayer on the basis of Redemption alters the way in which a man looks at things. Prayer is not a question of altering things externally, but of working wonders in a man's disposition.

Jesus, help us get this down too.

August 26, 02:37 AM

Jesus, help us get this down.

"How amazing it is that the thing we so dislike about someone, we can pray to God that it can be broken from them."

I was told that today by my mentor.

So the first time she said "breaking it over them." and it made me laugh because I was thinking of like the old school movies that people break vases and flower pots over people's heads and I thought "that doesn't sound so bad..."

The concept is pretty sweet. That instead of focusing on the things we would like to see differently in others, we can pray that that spirit of (fill in the blank) would be broken from them.

Why do we think that word broken is so bad? Like when people say "I am broken." Yes, not the best of FEELINGS, but I know my best seasons with God was where I was broken and desperate before Him. I know that is when I was moldable, when I was able to be worked upon. When I was being fixed. Today I heard this word differently. I heard the word broken in a redemptive way. In a freeing way. I mean, I guess when we say Jesus breaks our chains, it is in that context right?

But when we can think of something we don't like in someone's life or character, something that hurts us, how awesome that we can pray that God would break that from them. I was really encouraged by this today.

What if we prayed this for the people that hurt/have hurt us? (Psalm 91)

For God will command his angels concerning (name) to guard (him/her) in all (his/her) ways; they will lift (name) up in their hands, so that (name) will not strike (his/her's) foot against a stone. (name) will tread upon the lion and the cobra; (name) will trample the great lion and the serpent. "Because (name) loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue (him/her); I will protect (him/her), for (he/she) acknowledges my name. (name) will call upon me, and I will answer (him/her); I will be with (name) in trouble, I will deliver (name) and honor (him/her). With long life will I satisfy (name) and show (him/her) my salvation."

The fact is even christians brothers and sisters can hurt us, let's be honest....we do not know how to love each other perfectly. We can't. We can't be perfect to each other in a fallen world. But I do think the way we treat each other would look so freaking different if we remembered that what we say, do, think, act upon we are doing to a child of God. A daughter, a son, of the most high God. People belong to HIM. So what if we prayed like this? Can you imagine the healing that would be done, not just on others, but in US? I just started praying this for someone today and my heart is changing so peacefully.

Dang, we have to start with us, don't we? We have to start with our hearts. And believing God can change us, and break us, and that He has the power to heal us.

Jesus, help us get this down.

August 20, 12:29 PM

I only love you when you are good.

This is a thought that I have been having lately. This has been a thought that I have struggled with since I really started walking with Jesus. That I have to be good. That I have to be good in order to be loved.

I was talking to Josh about this the other day, we had this rad 3 hour conversation one night, about literally everything. We were talking about our walks and our church life, and how when we first started dating he felt alive and excited about church and fellowship and such and then he asked if I did and I said "no" Not because I was like backsliding in my faith, but around the time Josh and I started dating I had the mentality that I HAD to have it ALL together for everyone and everything. I told him that that part of our lives, in our church community was very different for me than it was for him. When we started dating Josh had just started really walking with the Lord, and I had kind of been in routine. Which is what drew me to him, because everything was new to him, and it made me fall back in love with Christ, he would read a verse I had read a hundred times, and he had a zeal and passion for the word, it made me really recognize the rut I had gotten into.

I feel like God has healed me of that lie. The lie that I have to have it all together. I don't have to. And I don't. My life is beautiful, but I am still a mess in so many areas. There are so many things I have not given over to Jesus, and so many struggles I am learning to hand over and let Him work in my heart. And I think these past 6 years of knowing Josh have helped me realize that God's love for me is steady and consistent and I don't doubt that God loves me in my mess. I don't doubt that God forgives me and adores me still even in my flesh. I am thankful to be confident in that. But I am seeing that I lack that confidence in other relationships. I think it is really easy to be surface friends with people. It's easy. It's easy to show people the parts of yourself that you like, so that's all they know of you. But a friendship can only go so far, it can only grow so much on that. I think we desire intimacy with each other. Everyone wants to feel loved and understood....and you can't do that in a surface relationship. I don't think you can anyways. But intimacy is scary. You let people in, you give people the permission to know your heart, and you can't take that back. You give someone a vital glimpse into who you are, your story, your past, whatever the thought, and once you give that to them, you can't take it back. And it's a freaking leap of faith to trust someone with your heart, because people are human, and good intentions or not, we are not perfect in loving each other. Now I am not talking about spilling your soul to everyone and anyone who shows interest you, there has to be healthy boundaries. You have to guard your heart in all things, that's biblical. But my question is do we only love people when they are good? Am I the kind of person that when people tell me something "bad" about them, reveal their flaw, or show me a fault, am I the type of person that loves them anyways. I want to say yes, and for the most part I think I am. But what about when their flaw INVOLVES you? What if they did something to hurt you, or wronged you? Do I punish them by leaving them alone and backing off because I am so hurt I can't see past my need to protect myself? Or do I pursue them, with gentle forgiveness, with lovingkindness, with LONG SUFFERING? Isn't that what that word means? To suffer long with them? I'm not saying be a doormat, that's not God's intention for us. Sometimes it is necessary to step back. That's a whole other issue....but what I am saying is I know I am not the only one in the world who has accepted the lie that people will only like me when I am good, when they see the cool, fun, easy side of me. And if I am not the only one, what have we done to create this place of such conditional love?

I really want to change that. I want to be loved for who I am, flaws and all. And if I want that, and God tells me to love my neighbor as myself. Than that seems like the solution. To love people when they are "bad". Love them when they have hurt me. Love them when they are difficult. Love them when they are freaking impossible.

But how?

This may be a cliche' thing to write, but there is so much truth here and honestly, I don't think there is a better guideline.

To be patient and to be kind. To not be jealous. To not boast or be prideful. To not be rude and not selfish. To not be easily angered. To keep no record of wrongs and to not delight in evil. To rejoice in the truth and to protect. To always trust and always hope. To persevere.

This is what love is and love is from God and God is love. And He didn't leave us here alone to figure it out, He said here is my spirit and my word. Ask and you will receive.

Maybe this is a lot to put on the internet for the world to see, but I don't care. Because I think it's a good thing to bring to the surface. Let us love people when they are bad. (Agape)

The end.

August 08, 02:19 AM

my new cd.

it's free. holler.

July 21, 10:11 PM

City and Colour

Against The Grain

This song is lovely. I just wanted to share it.

July 19, 03:05 AM

You know you are a Younglife Leader when:

Disclaimer: This may not be entirely accurate for all those in YL leadership, however I have found that a various amount of the statements below have been proven first hand by myself, my volunteers, friends, ministry partners, and/or other substantial evidence. Take no offense and feel free to add more.

Sincerly,

Erika B. Soto

1) You have a various amount of inappropriate rap music on your Ipod.

2) You have a various amount of pop garbage on you Ipod.

3) You have used the phrase "Dude, it's for club." to defend yourself in the response "um, why do you have this song?"

4) You subscribe to Relevant Magazine

5) You own the Nooma videos and show them at campaigners.

6) You have a pile full of Younglife Apparrel and outfits that you really only wear at camp, because every where else it wouldn't be that cool. (Younglife belts, bandanas, younglife shoelaces...etc)

7) You make up nicknames for kids whose names you don't know.

8) You think you are a little cooler than every other at camp when the special musician knows you by name.

9) When anyone says "Back to Basics" you feel like throwing up.

10) You've thought about quitting at least 3 times a school year.

11) You know what "Denny's corner" is.

12) You know how to jerk.

13) You have a camelback backpack.

14) You know to move to the side when you hear "peel bananas, peel peel bananas."

15) It seems like every camp you suffer from the "altitooties" aka constipation and bloating.

16) You own at least one pair of Toms.

17) You make your own shorts.

18) It makes you a little peeved when people knock "The Message" bible.

19) You have a MAC.

20) If you don't have a MAC. You want one.

21) You have received some interesting glances at your shopping cart when it is filled with spam, whip cream, pie tins, and baby food.

22) You have at one time purchased 50 goldfish and have hidden your guilt by saying "well it's for ministry."

23) It's weird to explain "program" to someone who doesn't know what it is.

24) You have tried your hardest but when you explain club to kids during contact work it still sounds lame. (IE: Kid: What do you do? Leader: Play games and sing. Kid: Uh, yeah maybe."

25) You know when a new kid says "Maybe" when you invite them to club....they aren't going to come.

26) You have accumulated more visitor passes than D.A.R.E ever could.

27) Just admit it, you get a little pissed when flier you pass out during contact work are on the ground.

28) When you have looked at your prop room and pulled out an object and have said "What game could we use this for?"

29) You know the eternal value of pie tins.

30) Shaving cream > Whip cream.

(That's all for now....like I said feel free to add some.)

June 04, 01:08 AM

The May Blog

Hello Everyone.

I apologize for my lack of blogs. It's not really that I have been too busy. More that I forget and/or am lazy. So here is a recap of my life in simplest form.

May 18, 2010 was Josh and I's 3 year anniversary. There are many on my list, but these are my top 10 reasons I love being married to this guy: (in no particular order)

1) He is hilarious. Josh makes me laugh ALL the time. And I need to laugh to stay sane.

2) He is ridiculously thoughtful. I don't know how many times I have come home after a long day and he has went out and brought me mochi ice cream, or an itunes card, or a real simple magazine....I mean I like flowers, they are awesome, but he goes the extra mile.

3) He is a really good friend. Not to just me, but to everyone he meets. He gets along with everyone all the time. Guys with no drama = fatty thumbs up.

4) He is never awkward. I can hang out with him with anyone at any time and know will make them feel loved.

5) Um...look at his face. He is hot.

6) He loves Jesus. And he isn't afraid to say that to anyone. He doesn't shove it in people's faces or anything, but he is firm in his faith and he isn't afraid to admit he doesn't know everything about Jesus, but refuses to stop learning. It encourages me.

7) He loves "his" family. And he loves "my" family.

8) He is always there to listen when I need to vent about my day etc....

9) He is so talented. Everything that he tries he is automatically good at. Art, guitar, photography....you name it.

10) He always turns to God in everything. When something good happens he thanks God, and when something not so good happens, He seeks God. I love that.

THEN...May 21, 2010 was my 26 birthday. And these are the top 10 things I am learning about my 26 years on this planet.

1) Humility. I've always been really turned off to giving anyone the "upper hand" in my life. I am learning humility is freeing. It's a liberating thing to not have to be in control of every situation.

2) Who my friend are and what kind of friends I want. Not in a snobby way. But I am learning that I don't need to be friends with everyone. And while I do desire peace with people in my life. I have had fun figuring out what kind of friendships I desire in my life. I have had fun getting to know new friends and honestly, letting them know me. It's a healing kind of process and I love every moment in it.

3) Marriage is both beautiful and hard. I know that sounds so awful to say that marriage is hard. But I think it is. And I don't think it would be if I wasn't so dang sinful, but I am, we all are. I have learned to fight for my marriage when it feels hopeless and I have also learned how to fully enjoy my husband and everything about who he is and who God made him. I have given up of the lie that we are supposed to agree on every single thing or something is wrong. I've been lied to and I've accepted that lie for a long time, and I don't anymore. Marriage is amazing. It's the best thing aside from following Jesus I have ever ever ever done in my life. Um, and my husband is hot.

4) Expectations are awful. And I do not mean that in a way where we just accept crap for our lives, God desires us to have the best. HOWEVER, what I am learning is that my expectations for others have been impossible. And with that comes disappointment. My expectations that I have had for Josh, or my family, or my friends, or my coworkers have been unrealistic and it has left my feeling disappointed and the people I love worthless. I am learning to accept the quirks and the differences of the people I love. And I enjoy them more and I am certain they probably enjoy me more too.

5) Underneath all of our fancy "tricks" (As my friend Wallace likes to say) we are all little children trying to figure out who the hell we are. And I am not just talking about my YL kids. But I have learned if I start realizing that the people in my life are on the same path of self discovery and journey I am on, it helps me to empathize and see them with a more compassionate view. It's made me more patient and it's made me better at loving people.

6) Pray about everything. Simply because when we have not because we ask not.

7) I am learning to be the "emergent christian" is just as annoying as being the "cheesey christian" Okay so the cheesey christian likes the newsboys and wear the logo shirts with bible verse on them (you know, like Jesus...instead of Reese's) and the super cool hip emergent christian wear v-necks and thinks Derek Webb is super cool because he sings about Jesus and says cuss words. I am not making fun as much as I am trying to prove a point that NONE OF US KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING! So let's get off each other's backs. Let's let us be us, let me be me, I'll let you be you. I just want to be a more accepting person. I want people to know I am christian by my love, not just for them, but for my fellow christians.

8) I have too much stuff. I can be a bit vain when it comes to my clothes. It's not because I want to impress people with how good I look, but I want to feel good about how I look. And I don't think that is all bad, I just want to be more mindful of the money I spend and how I am advancing the kingdom instead of my wardrobe.

9) I love my bible. More than ever.

10) I love my Redeemer. More than ever. And I am seeing just how much He has redeemed in my life and just how well that name fits Him.

I have a good life and if you are reading this. I am glad you are in it.

Agape.

May 11, 02:33 AM

Add to your faith...

Hey hey,

I read this today in "My Utmost For His Highest". I was pretty encouraged and honestly just wanted to share it with everyone. So for all 4 of you who read my blog...and my "I hate when you say cuss words" stalker...(See previous blog comments) this is for you all, I hope you are encouraged by it. I purpled the parts that I particularly liked.

(May 10)

"Add to your faith virtue. . ." 2 Peter 1:5

"Add" means there is something we have to do. We are in danger of forgetting that we cannot do what God does, and that God will not do what we can do. We cannot save ourselves nor sanctify ourselves, God does that; but God will not give us good habits, He will not give us character, He will not make us walk aright. We have to do all that ourselves, we have to work out the salvation God has worked in. "Add" means to get into the habit of doing things, and in the initial stages it is difficult. To take the initiative is to make a beginning, to instruct yourself in the way you have to go.

Beware of the tendency of asking the way when you know it perfectly well. Take the initiative, stop hesitating, and take the first step. Be resolute when God speaks, act in faith immediately on what He says, and never revise your decisions. If you hesitate when God tells you to do a thing, you endanger your standing in grace. Take the initiative, take it yourself, take the step with your will now, make it impossible to go back. Burn your bridges behind you - "I will write that letter"; "I willpay that debt." Make the thing inevitable.

We have to get into the habit of hearkening to God about everything, to form the habit of finding out what God says. If when a crisis comes, we instinctively turn to God, we know that the habit has been formed. We have to take the initiative where we are, not where we are not."

I especially like the part where it says that when we instinctively turn to God when a crisis comes, we have formed a habit. How different the world might be if we all prayed like that.

I am excited for heaven.

'til next time.

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