emi.

In Memory of my Uncle Vito, who passed away today.

Cleveland, OH

Apologies for not posting since August. My external hard drive, containing all my photos, was broken and all my photos lost. I will be posting some new (and not quite as good) photos soon. Cheers, emc

COSI, Columbus, Ohio

Columbus, Ohio The Black Keys, LC Pavilion,  Columbus, Ohio

Fontane, Sicilia Roma, Italia

Columbus, Ohio

The New Pornographers, The Newport, Columbus, Ohio

Columbus, Ohio

Trafalgar Square, London St. Mary's Old Church, Stoke Newington, London Abney Cemetery,  Stoke Newington, London Brick Lane, Tower Hamlets, London Kensington Gardens, Kensington, London

The Shiny Toy Guns, Ohio State, Columbus, OH

Hudson, Ohio

Hudson, Ohio

Beirut, Lebanon Baalbek, Lebanon Palmyra, Syria The Middle of the Desert, Syria

Real life interaction contains far too many factors to allow me to be comfortable. Here are a few.

Environment. You are outside of your normal environment. It is not a controlled space. There are an infinite number of factors that could potentially occur. Not to mention distractions. And other people. The arrival of each additional person brings up another infinite list of possible turns the situation can take.

Plus, the concerns of safety. The reason the environment is not the normal one is because you want to meet people in a public space. I won't be alone in a person's apartment or in hir car. I can't stop anything negative from happening, if that is the intent. I also don't like people knowing where I live. I don't want them to know where to find me. I like to be in control of if/when they can get ahold of me. Which is also why I shy away from giving my phone number. I can't stop a person from texting me. But I can choose when to open letters or emails.

Body language. Suddenly you have to monitor not only the body language of the person with whom you're interacting, but you have to keep track of your own. You spend all your time trying to make sure you're not resting your flailing body parts in any type of position that would be even vaguely perceived as flirting. You're monitoring the way the other person is carrying hirself. You can't enjoy the interaction because you're constantly keeping tabs on all of the other things.

Schedule. Since I'm a mail carrier, I am up at 5:30am every day. I am in bed before 10 every night. Most people aren't even home from work by the time I'm having dinner, let alone ready to hang out. My schedule does not coexist with many others'. It seems silly--not to mention incredibly exhausting--to stay up later and mess with my sleep cycle in order to have a high-anxiety interaction with another person, which often leaves me completely depleted of energy.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. It's really quite complex.

People ask me why I'm going to be a therapist if I don't like interacting with people. That is an extremely different situation. Short Answer: Those interactions occur in a contained and familiar environment. Its purpose is defined. The boundaries are pre-set. The relationship is clear. The duration of the interaction is predetermined. There are fewer undefined variables.

I refer to interactions with one person because I avoid interactions with multiple people like the plague. I don't even like to interact with one person around other people, i.e. coffee shops, bars, restaurants, etc.

Without the Internet, I would be living a terrible world of unpleasant IRL interactions and never meeting new people. Thanks to the Internet, I can socialize without the added anxiety of real life interaction. I can make these connections without having to worry about ulterior motives. Because no matter how many times I tell people before meeting up with them that I don't want a relationship, a date, or sex (yes, in those exact words), the message doesn't get through and I have to turn my cheek when ze go in for an unsolicited goodnight kiss.

Plus, who the fuck has time for that shit? I work eight hours a day, six days a week. Yoga three times a week, weights twice a week, and cardio three or more times a week. I schedule everything around my workouts. Why would I want to socialize with someone IRL if it means sacrificing my own priorities AND worrying about every single physical aspect of the interaction? No thanks!

Instead, I opt for correspondence. I fucking love letter writing. I enjoy emails and messages. I dabble in the field of gchat. Physical presence isn't important for me. In fact, I tire of it very quickly. But it is not necessary for building and maintaining a solid friendship.

In conclusion: just message me. ;)

It's been my experience in life that everything goes wrong at once.

But I've never had things in so many different aspects of my life go wrong at once.
I'm used to one aspect totally falling apart, but not everything. I'm having trouble figuring out how to cope.

Of course it's never pleasant when things go wrong. I know this. I understand this. But that doesn't make it any easier.

I'm struggling.

I need all the hugs.

Over the past few days, my emotions have been going haywire.
Mood stabilization feels like a myth to me, as it always has. But the past week has been more intense.

Although it has been primarily negative emotions, there have been some positive ones. I've tried to hold onto those. Though hope is really hard for me. Because, life.


I've been extremely lonely lately. Extremely.

It seems for me, the only way to truly eradicate it is through meaningful physical presence. Not just presence, meaningful presence. That's fucking hard. Oftentimes, the presence of a person who is meaningful to me overall does not mean that particular presence is meaningful. So I'm lonely despite presence.

But still, physical presence is better than absence.
Unfortunately, there is not much presence here.

What about virtual presence? The problem with that is its lack of stability.

The thing with physical presence is that I know they're here. Because I can see them. I don't have to wonder if they are going to respond to my text within an hour. I don't have to wonder if they'll reply to my email today, or if they'll get around to it tomorrow.

The closest thing I can get to physical presence via non-physical means is through phone calls. For two reasons: 1) because I have the stability of knowing they are on the other end and 2) I can hear their voice. That's very important for me, as far as trust is concerned. And so I can gauge how disruptive I'm being through tone and syntax. It helps alleviate the guilt of taking up someone's time or upsetting them because they don't have the answers (which I rarely expect, by the way).

Fewer people use their phone for vocal communication, now. And fewer people would I trust enough to let them hear me blubber and sob on the other end.


I've been discovering, lately, that what I really want is a companion. Someone who treats me like I treat them. Someone who values our friendship and would drop everything if I needed them. I do that for my friends. But I don't often see it reciprocated. I have few close friends because I expect myself to live up to these expectations, as well.

Human beings are far from perfect. I understand that, and I accept imperfections, even if it hurts.

But I think I do it too much. I end up getting walked all over.
Friends contact me when they need me. I drop everything to help.
Then when I need them, they're mysteriously unresponsive.

I give too much.
But sometimes when I give, that's the only time I experience physical presence.
To me, it's worth a shot to not be lonely for an hour or two. Even if I will spend the whole next day crying.


So being alone at home most of the time has been nice, because I got to do things I've wanted to do. Lots of crafting, catching up on TV shows, reading.
But it's also been terrible. I feel useless. I spend far too much time in my own head.
It has reached the point where even the TV shows I watch for fun are making me incredibly sad and compounding the loneliness.

It's painful to notice that happening.
It's painful to watch the things that gave you joy slowly become emotionally torturous.
It's painful to drown.

I've gone over it, over and over.
I have pulled the events apart and examined the patterns.
I have unfolded every occurrence, every step, every detail.

These looping themes, these reoccurring episodes--
They appear to be inescapable.

In the end, the only things left are the questions.
Maybe they're just part of the pattern.

My emotions are so tumultuous and unpredictable that I like other things to be predictable.
I like planning, even though I know they're likely to be revised or cancelled.

I want everything to be carefully contemplated and placed just so.
I want nothing I carry to be meaningless. Everything needs to have a meaning, even if just to me.
I want everything in my bag to be premeditated. I want it to be significant.

The moment it's an accident is the moment I lose myself.
I do that enough, as it is.

A lot of people are afraid to die. It's only natural.
Most people ask: "Will it hurt? What happens after you die?"

I ask: "Will I be alone when I die?"

It's official! I am a college graduate. Hopefully my B.A. in Arabic & Psychology will come in handy someday.
Until then, it's just a fancy piece of paper....that I have yet to pick up. (I skipped the graduation ceremony so I could visit my sister in Pittsburgh)

I'm excited to have actually made it through university. I almost didn't make it. Truly.
Mental illness almost forced me to drop out.
BUT! I have actually graduated from DBT! I've completed therapy. And honestly, it's a therapy that I think everyone should go through. There are so many fantastic coping mechanism and skills, even for people who don't have issues with emotion regulation and the like. (www.dbtselfhelp.com is a nice little website that lists some of these skills). I'm so proud of completing it. I feel so much more confident in handling my emotions and regulating my responses to them. So, so thankful for the program. Marsha Linehan saved my life.

Anyway, today was my first day at a new job. I am now working at a tea salon. It's pretty much my dream part time job, what, with my love for tea and culture. It's also my first take at serving, and oh dear, is it challenging. But I am enjoying it nonetheless.

The weirdest part of being out of school [for now]? My nightmares have changed to encompass an entirely different genre. Instead of dreaming that I sleep through exams, I'm dreaming about sins. I had a weird dream where I was given a glowing, sparkling pill and got super high. When I woke up, my first action was to laugh aloud at the state of my nightmares. They have moved from school to seven deadly sins! How hilarious!

It's really cool to finally get to read books and have free time. I watched 4 movies in 2 weeks! WOO!
Nevertheless, free time is scarce this week and next, as I have 2 40-hour weeks of training--plus work at the office, which is supposed to be 30 hours a week. But things will calm down after that. It's only disappointing because this week is my spring break week, and I won't have much time to see Tim before school starts back up again. But c'est la vie! I will live.

I'm starting to get excited about the future. But most of all, I'm relieved that I will be able to make rent! I could've done it with just the office job, but the second job is allowing me to save money--and to also have money to spend time with friends, since I finally have the time to do so.

In closing, I love you. All of you.
Always remember that somebody does.

Things are rough. But I'll leave that alone.

I was doing a lot of thinking today. And I am slowly coming to the suspicion that I fall on the low end of the autism spectrum. For my whole life, I've thought it was a result of the various mental issues, but now I'm starting to see it a little differently.

Why do I think this?

The biggest thing is that I have major difficulty with social things. I don't maintain many social relationships. And I don't enjoy interacting in social situations. Because I have no idea how to act. I thought I was just antisocial until I realized that I spend the entirety of social situations trying to figure out how I am supposed to behave, what is normal. I expend so much energy trying to see how other people are acting and act in the same way. And after all these years I still don't get it. I still hate socializing. I don't know how to speak in turn. I don't know how to make small talk. I still hate large groups of people. I can't do much of anything except be afraid if I am in a crowd. I find it impossible to interact with regular people, let alone when they are in different states of mind.

Other things include my extreme antisocial tendencies as a kid (I think I went to recess maybe ten times total thoroughout my childhood), my early intellectual aptitude, especially for math (I knew my multiplication tables by the end of 1st grade),  the adult novels I read as early as elementary school, and the perplexing nature that was the other neighborhood kids. I never wanted to play with them, and dreaded when they would come over and knock on my door.

I also think of my need to formulate speech. Language is typically one of those things that people with autism tend to struggle with. I have grown out of math and into language. I look at it as its own formula: Which parts must one add up to result in expressing the exact thought, the precise feeling. There are so many subtleties. Word choice, word order, tone. All these things have implications. All these things are parts of the formula. The combinations are infinite. And although most people don't perceive it this way, I am still careful.

One big reason I may be running on a tangent with this idea is because I am extremely sensitive to emotion. Oversensitive. Most of it is in perception of others' speech and body language. I am very aware of the emotional implications of things, even if they aren't true implications. Sometimes I read too much into it. Most of the time, honestly. I perceive things that others aren't trying to convey. So I make a lot of mistakes. And even after perceiving these intricacies, I don't usually know very much about how to respond to them.

I briefly looked into whether autism has significant comorbidity with my mental illness. And one peer-reviewed paper says "Absence of substance abuse and pronounced negative self-image should lead to a clinical suspicion that Autism spectrum disorder might be present." And another states that it is common for Autism spectrum disorders to be accompanied by personality disorders.

Who knows. Maybe I'm thinking too much. But all this extra time to think can't just be resulting in prattle, can it?

Edit: Another reason I feel I may fall on the Autism spectrum: I am much more capable to maintain relationships via non-present methods, such as text messaging or twitter, than I am in real life, physically-present situations. Chronically.

Today was the first day of school. I only had one class today. And it was with Aarthi! Both of us got up this morning and said "do you really want to go to class today?" We are like minds.

I went to class. Psychology of Learning. Doesn't seem too bad. It'll be pretty interesting, I think.
I'm feeling pretty good about it, actually. And it looks like it'll be mildly entertaining.

After Class: Work, Meeting, Errands, Cooking Dinner.
It'll be a great night.

I GET A BIG KID'S BED TOMORROW! WOOOO!!! :D

These 3 weeks of summer have been AMAZING.

Last week, Tim and I went to visit one of my dearest friends in Pittsburgh. I meant to write every couple of days, but I didn't. Which is a pity. It was an amazing near-week-long trip. So exciting, so comfortable. Tim and Patrick got on very well. We also visited my sister! She is doing so well. And her roommate rocks. I am very happy.

Notable places in Pittsburgh included: the Strip, 21st Street Coffee, Smithfield Diner, DeLuca's Diner, Presto George Coffee and Tea Shop, FANTASTIC sushi at Penn Avenue Fish Company, tapas and caipirinha at Seviche, beer at Sharp Edge, terrible food and decent beer at Hofbräuhaus, ice cream at The Milk Shake Factory, among many other things. Tim and I  I can honestly say I had the time of my life.

Then I got home and had to catch up with a lot of things at work. No problem. Busy, but not too stressful.

Why is this weekend going to rock?
BECAUSE:
+ Went grocery shopping last night
+ Tonight, Tim and I are going to see World on a Wire, thanks to the wonderful Wexner Center of the Arts
+ Tomorrow, we are going to the Short North Microbrew Festival
+ A good friend just got back from her 6 months in Maine. Reunion will include drink and company
+ Sunday has the potential to include drunk brunch and/or playtime. Though I have a lot of sewing I want to get done.

My second job starts Monday, school starts Wednesday.
Once I get my planner I will be ready to tackle it all. :)

Currently Listening: Little Birds by Neutral Milk Hotel
Currently Readin: The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

I love this sense of life I experience as others express their disappointment with the ending summer.
I love how my [albeit brief] summer just started.
I love that I prefer autumn to summer.
I love that winter is my favorite season - the only downside being difficult to ride a bike/more intense upkeep.
I love that I got so much done last night. And half a bottle of wine gone.
And I am absolutely excited for eating so much good food and beer this weekend. I have tentative plans to grab food from Ali Baba then head out to Bob's Bar for a few hours. Then home to my growler of Rogue Dead Guy Ale. YEAH!

Hey guess what! THINGS DON'T SUCK RIGHT NOW!

My summer is FINALLY beginning! Well, ignoring the GRE I'm retaking next week. But I'm not worried. I've done most of the studying anyway.

I've been doing really well lately. Summer classes were/are nice and chill, and I greatly prefer doing everything in 5 weeks instead of 10. I would absolutely die if I took classes on a semester schedule. I'm kicking ass in all of my classes, which is good because spring quarter was pretty fucking awful, grade-wise.

My Ishy moved in at uni last night. I wasn't able to be there with her, but we've been texting. Her roommate is baller, and she really likes her digs. She starts classes next week. And so will begin her 3 + 2 program in Occupational Therapy. In the Honors college. With a decent scholarship. I am so proud of her.

I have done all my assignments for the last week of class, so all I have to do is pretty much go to class for the next week. So I have TONS of free time. I ordered a new sewing machine, so I'm hoping I get that today. I have a bunch of patterns and fabric ready to go! I had started a new dress from scratch a couple months ago, but my machine broke, so I couldn't finish it. SOON! :D

I've been doing well mentally, too. It's really nice. Starting up some intense therapy. It'll be yet another thing in my schedule, but it'll definitely be worth it. I'm ready.

I've finalized both of my majors as well as both of my minors. And after this next round of honors contract revisions, I will be sending in my application to graduate. March 2012. Hell. Fucking. Yes.

Anyway, that's about it. [I can't believe I've never done this] But if any of you however few readers have any questions about my life or anything, feel free to ask it in a comment. :)

Take me anywhere, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care
Give me one good reason not to do it--(Because I love you)
You once talked to me about love, and you painted pictures of a Never Never Land
I would say 'I love you', but saying it out loud is hard, so I won't say it at all
You are the life I needed all along
There are things we can't recall, blind as night that finds us all
A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone
In the morning when you finally go and the nurse runs in with her head hung low, and the cardinal hits the window
In the morning, in the winter shade, on the first of March, on the holiday, I thought I saw you breathing
The most important thing about you standing in my doorway is that it's you, and that you're standing in the doorway
And you smile as you ease the gun from my hand, and I'm frozen with joy right where I stand
There used to be a tree where we took our pretty things
I'm afraid to forget you; I am remembering you: You were spakling
Does his hand in your hair feel a lot like a thing you believe in?
In the morning I'll be with you, but it'll be a different kind
I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
Haven't laughed this hard in a long time; I'd better stop now before I start crying
If I leave before you, darling, don't you waste me in the ground
Let the poets cry themselves to sleep, and all their tearful words would turn back into steam
You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for
But with this long last rush of air, let's speak our vows in starry whisper
I'd give my body to be back again, in the rest of the room
Some had crawled their way into your heart to rend your ventricles apart
A burned out world you know, staying up all night.

[the music]

Just saw on facebook that a "friend" of mine is getting married. He has been dating his girlfriend since January. OMG 5 MONTHS WE ARE SO IN LOVE OBVIOUSLY GETTING MARRIED AND MOVING TO CHINA IN A MONTH ARE A GREAT IDEA!

He's pulled stupid shit like this before. He has abused her in the past. I don't fucking understand people. I called him out on his fb. I don't give a damn anymore. I'm done sitting around. Personally, I think he's rude and inappropriate and a douchebag. But apparently he's moving back to China in June so I will never have to worry about it again!

TL;DR: MARRIAGE IS STUPID DON'T BOTHER. UNLESS YOU, FOR SOME ANTIQUATED REASON, BELIEVE THAT SEX IS BAD IN WHICH CASE YES LET'S BASE THE REASON FOR GETTING MARRIED OFF THE DESIRE TO BONE.

Anyway, I haven't done any homework and feel entirely useless. Cue depression.

I've been feeling alright for the past couple weeks. Those 2 huge meltdowns seemed to be the end of it [for now].

These past weeks have been super stressful. Unfortunately I had 2 midterms during the week between the 2 meltdowns. So I was on therapist-mandated bedrest for the week before my exams and ended up super behind in everything. Aaaand my exam grades definitely show it. They threw me into the beginning of another downward spiral, as I was still unstable and recovering from the previous one. After much anxiety and convincing from Tim, I talked to two of my professors, which helped restore a little bit of confidence in myself. Knowing that I am not for sure fucked and probably not going to lose my scholarship this quarter is a really nice thing. So for now, increased medication, more frequent therapist visits, and doing my best to cope until a DBT individual/group slot opens up.

It's pretty fucking frustrating. These last 2 meltdowns were the most severe I've ever had. I hadn't felt anywhere close to that way since middle school. It was extremely scary. I don't really know what mindset I need to take in order to continue. They changed everything. How I'm thinking about this, how I think I should go about coping, everything. And I'm now getting desperate. I hope I have a good amount of time to recover before the next one, because I honestly don't know what things will change this next time.

Anyway, today my anxiety has been through the roof. Three anxiety attacks within the course of an hour. Completely biological, this time. Tremors, trouble breathing. Usually it's primarily the psychological symptoms. I'm not used to having these symptoms to this extent; I don't know how to cope. And I had just increased my meds. What the fuck? Maybe I need to get my hands on something new. I'll talk to my shrink about it.

AND SO MUCH HOMEWORK THIS WEEKEND FUCKING SHIT ON A CUNT.
Arabic professor assigned an unprecedented amount of homework and, seeing as it usually takes me 15+ hours to complete it, I am not happy.
Two 10-page papers due next week. I'm doing very well on both of them, but I still need to do lots of editing.
All on top of my regular reading and reviewing and other assignments. Seriously?

But no worries! I have plans to go out Thursday, in celebration of essentially completing the quarter that almost destroyed me. I almost had to drop out due to mental illness; somehow I made it. Who cares that I have to be at work at 8am on Friday, I am going to the gay bar with a bunch of friends, or maybe very few friends--I DON'T CARE! So if anyone wants to join me for $3 long islands and $4 tokyo teas on Thursday, you know where to find me. :)

And something amazing happened last week. He's back. I don't get it. I still don't know what happened. But he's back.
It made me realize that I should probably pay more attention to my dissociation tendencies. HAHA what an impossible task!

I am sooo excited for finals week. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's because I am going to three shows: She Wants Revenge, Bright Eyes, and Neon Indian. Then Cotton Jones the Sunday after that!!!! Plus, a couple wonderful friends will be visiting for the Bright Eyes show. There will be cooking, exploring, and drunk Scrabble galore! Ok, so most of our plans involve eating. OH WELL. WE FUCKING DESERVE IT. And then my Ishy will be visiting me the week after that! Our plans also mostly involve eating. YESSSSSSSSSS.

Obsessed with this album at the moment. Once you get past the odd voice, it is so endearing and raw: http://grooveshark.com/album/Huggable+Dust/1100773?src=5

Things haven't been going well at all.
The mental illness, combined with college, is really getting to me, destroying me.
I should have dropped out last year, like I suggested.
I've had two complete breakdowns in two weeks.
My therapist is worried about me.
My shrink won't refill my prescriptions on time.
The DBT lab has a 30-person wait list. Every other place is an hour away by bus.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.
All I want is to feel better.
All I want is to stop feeling like this monster whose main guilt is putting people through this.
I am ashamed and embarrassed of this stupid biological/genetic/environmental/whatever issue that I have.
I hadn't used these coping mechanisms in almost 10 years.
I haven't been this bad at any point in my entire memory.
A relapse past the beginning.
I don't know what else to do.
I am getting desperate.
This is getting dangerous.

You know what's frustrating?
Thinking you're about to finish all the papers assigned this quarter to have a professor just whip a 20-page research paper, complete with footnotes and shittons of references out of his ass. And no, it wasn't on the syllabus.

I think it's just sinking in, as I finish the paper that I *thought* was going to be the last one of the quarter. I was so excited to be able to catch up on sleep, focus on myself and my mental health, and have some time to be social, to read, to take and edit photographs for the next 4 weeks. I am starting to mourn the loss of me-time that just slipped from my grasp.

I'm disappointed, but not depressed.
I'm hoping I can keep my chin up and stay motivated long enough to complete the research and drafting of this horrendous paper.
So any well-wishes are very, very welcome.

In closing: Arabic sucks.

I was wrong to be optimistic.

I'm feeling stressed and exhausted, but rather optimistic about things.

I've been doing pretty well lately, with not too many outbursts or breakdowns. I'm not feeling quite as emotionally exhausted as usual.

Oh right. Midterms were fine. At least the 2 of 4 that I have taken. Soooo yeah. School is...whatever. It'll be nice, though, because I have just this weekend of heavy homework, then I will have completed all the papers and things that are due this quarter. All I will have left is typical weekly reading and reflecting. Maybe I will eventually have a social life.

This quarter isn't too bad, academically, so I feel like I should be dedicating extra time to my emotional issues. What a great time to realize this, half-way through the quarter, eh? But oh well. At least I noticed it. So no more skipping therapist appointments and no more ignoring my pills.

Speaking of which, it's bedtime.
nini! :3