2013 is here, and it’s already nearly Valentine’s, and I am struck with a sense of .. well. It’s hard to find a word for it.
You know the feeling when you long for something you know you will never have, and at the same time, you can’t stop remembering those things you’ve lost, and wishing you could’ve changed whatever you did to lose them, so that you didn’t lose them?
It’s that sort of feeling.
It’s that feeling when you look back and realise just how many people you’ve lost, and how few you really have around you currently.
It’s that feeling that when people tell you to find a permanent job, you freeze like a deer in the headlights, because permanent to you means “stuck”.
And stuck where you are is a very very bad thing.
It’s that feeling that when people tell you that you’re a great person, and why doesn’t anyone date you/hire you/want to marry you/like you enough to stay around for a while, you don’t believe them, because of all the people who’ve said the same things, and then left your life only a couple of weeks or months later.
It’s that feeling.
And it’s that feeling that’s dragging me down right now.
It’s that feeling that’s telling me my dreams will never be realised. That I will never leave this podunk town, that I will never travel, never work some place $8 an hour to do something other than stock shelves or make salads. That I will never meet people that will stay in my life for longer than it takes them to meet someone better. That I will never stand on a stage again, with the lights in my face, belting out songs that I’ve known since I was five, feeling like a brand new person…
It’s that feeling that cripples me, into sitting alone, in my room, filling out pointless applications, and writing thousands of words that will never be read by anyone that can make a difference in my life, and it’s that feeling that makes me weep silently into my pillow at three in the morning, when everyone else in the house is asleep at night, oblivious to the way that I’m falling apart.
Because no matter how many plans I formulate, how many dead end jobs I work, and no matter how many dreams I wish will come true, things will not get better right now, for me. I will live in this sorry little town until I’m too old to be anything that I dream of, and it will be my own fault.
For listening to that small little nagging voice: “You can’t do it. You aren’t good enough. There is no hope for you here.”
What a start to the new year.
…and Facebook has too many of my friends there…
I’m lonely. Like really lonely. And as much as I wish I had a significant other, and love, I just want to have my friends with me again. I hate feeling like the loner, or the one who has to force her way into conversation to be included. I hate feeling alone. It’s one of the worse things I can imagine, loneliness. And when I’m sitting alone, literally alone, and I overhear conversations about who’s engaged, who’s in a relationship, who’s interested in who, who’s hot and who’s not, I feel not only alone, but left out, and single. HATE that.
So earlier I felt like crying, and just running away, and talking to someone who I knew would understand, and the ONLY person I wanted to talk to is a guy, and he’s always busy, or at work. He’s one of my best friends from school, and we talk about everything (really, everything) and I haven’t talked to him in probably… a week and a half, maybe two, which is an INSANE amount of time not to talk to this guy. I miss the crap out of him – it HURTS, how much I miss him. So I called him, planning on leaving a long message on his voicemail. It rang twice and then he picked up. I swear, when I heard his voice, I nearly broke down right then and there into sobs. But then he said he was at work (but he answered his phone. at work. FOR ME.) So, I told him I’d call him back and leave a message for him and he could call me back.
So I did. But how do I tell him that my heart leapt for joy and broke at the same time when I heard his voice? How do I tell him that when I was feeling this way, I didn’t want to talk to my best girlfriend from school, who’s like my sister, and the third musketeer in our group, but I only wanted to talk to him? How do I tell him that I hurt like this, and I pray and pray about it, and try to be patient, but every time relationships or love, or marriage, or love interests, or WHATEVER come up, I feel so alone and broken and hurting? How do I tell him that nearly every time I see him, or hear his voice, I feel safe and happy?
Food for thought I suppose… Now to go cry myself to sleep.
Seriously, I don’t know how one could top this.
So, my first night back wasn’t going too great. I mean, it was fun and all, but my two favoritest people in the world (Jonathan Nowlin and Traci Hazzard) were missing in action, thanks to a very late start back and some crazy weather. So as I reconnected with some of my friends, Jon and Trace were constantly on my mind… where were they? Finally, a little after midnight, I called Traci, in hopes to find that they were closer than before. The news was not reassuring to say the least… according to Traci, the traffic was terrible and they were moving at a mile an hour. Poop.
So then I told her and Jon I was headed back to my room to get my laptop and wait for them in the dorm lobby, and she asked me where I was, and then Jon had the phone. It was such a relief to hear their voices, that I happily kept chattering away on where I was, and what they were doing. As I walked towards my dorm, I saw two people walking towards me, and remembered that it was quiet hours, so I lowered my voice. Then I noticed the really curly hair of the taller person and stopped dead in my tracks.
Then a scream akin to a banshee’s rushed through my mouth and I ran with no thought to anything other than the two beautiful wonderful amazing loving people walking towards me. I hugged Traci first, because she was closer and because she is just that fantastic. We shrieked like long lost friends who hadn’t seen each other in years, instead of a week, with no regard for quiet hours. Then I grabbed onto Jon and hugged him, never wanting to let him go. Then, I turned to Traci and hugged her again, and then it was Jon’s turn again. No words were necessary, but still I tried to formulate some kind of “I missed you people so much” statement. What came out was more like “AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH OMIGOSH WHAT? HOW? WHY? AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH I MISSED YOU!!!” amid a few tears, hidden by the rain.
Sadly, the visit did not last long, as it was already almost 1 am and we all had early morning eventuals. We hugged a few more times – i honestly never wanted to let either of them go – and then they trudged off to unpack.
Welcome back to Vanguard, you wonderful people you. <3
I had to write this for a summer camp application this week. It’s straight from the heart and probably more honest than any other testimony I’ve ever written.
Hi. My name is Sara, and I’m a pastor’s kid. I grew up in a small church (CCB). I accepted Christ into my life at the very young age of four at a church Vacation Bible School, but obviously, I didn’t exactly understand the magnitude of my new relationship with Christ. All I knew is I was asking Jesus into my life, just like Mommy and Daddy had done, as well as the other kids around me. It was just a given that I would accept too.
I got older, still in the same church, and I recommitted at 8, so I could get baptized again, mostly so I could go get dunked in the pool by my dad and my pastor, who was like a second father to me. Throughout my younger years, I went to church every Sunday, both services, and to church on Wednesday, to Sunday School and to Vacation Bible School during the summer. I was involved and had a loving church family. But, looking back on it now, I don’t think it was ever really MY faith. It was my parent’s faith, and although I knew who Jesus was and who God was, and what they’d done for me, I don’t think it was a “real” faith, in the way that people think of “real” faith.
At 12, Franklin Graham came to town, and I readily volunteered to be in the choir, and as a counselor, for the kid’s night. I attended all three or four services he did at B.C’s stadium, and at the kid’s night, we brought some of our Mormon neighbors. When Mr. Graham asked people to come forward, the youngest of these neighbors wanted to go down, so I went down with him, and prayed with him. Little did he know, that I was praying for my own salvation as well as his. I had been convinced and convicted that weekend, along with hundreds of others.
By that time, I was a crew leader at several Vacation Bible Schools in the summertime, helping young children in their search for Jesus. Every time one of my children asked Jesus into their heart, I wept inside, so happy that they’d made that decision, and I added them to my mental list of people to pray for. I was still going to my small church, where I was involved in our children’s ministry, in the nursery.
In my high school years, I was by no means the minister’s kid. I was just an average kid, and I made my share of mistakes, but I always turned back to God at the end of the day. By my senior year, I had my share of doubts, and I felt guilty that my belief had fallen so far. As I graduated, and headed to community college, my foundation was sturdy some days, and shaky on others. I knew that I had God on my side, but some days, I doubted. I finished my two years at community college and transferred to V.U, where chapel six times a week was quite the eye-opener. People speaking in tongues and speaking prophecy, which was very strange to me, and put me off quite a bit. I prayed and consulted with my friends and my counselor, and came to the conclusion that I don’t have to be the tongue-speaker, or prophesier to be a Christian, but I still had questions. So I prayed, and searched the Scriptures, as I am doing today.
I’ve come a long way in this past year at V.U. I’ve had a few questions answered, and some reminders sent my way. I know now that He has forgiven me, and I have a place in his plan for the world. Where exactly He wants me, I’m not sure, but I feel a peace now that I haven’t had in a few years, knowing that when He wants to, He’ll show me where He needs me.
Captivating… a flower in the garden, and I am not the most beautiful flower there, but I capture your eye unexpectedly. I am beautiful just the way I am, and I could never be more beautiful in God’s eye than the way He created me.
January 12th, 2011: I’m having one of those times in my life – and I can’t even give it a time label, like a day, week, month, or year, cause I don’t even know how long it is going to last – where I have major emotional ups and downs, even though, this week at least, there seem to be more downs.
I give it all to Him. I give Him my family and their needs. I give Him “J”, and my desire, whether righteous love, or sexual love, and whether my desire for him is in the right or wrong – I give it to Him. I give Him my desire for a job, a decent regularly paying job. I give Him my desire for better health and exercise, because I KNOW that I can do NOTHING without Him, and with Him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
March 16th, 2011: I am coming back to this blog post, after 2 and a half months of not thinking about it. But I have been thinking about many other things, and through those other things, God has taken my mind off of my desires and lusts for love and .. well, other things.
I’ve been inspired, and I only hope that my inspiration may find fruitation in my actions. I’ve been inspired by my friend Kristen, through her tumblr to do two things: first, get a tumblr. I don’t know why, but I’m considering getting one. And two, to start treating my body like the temple it is. Now, don’t take this the wrong way. I am NOT talking about or considering body worship. My body is not an idol, though it’s being to represent a Buddha statue, but I do mean to start taking care of my body. This will mean some very DRASTIC changes in my day-to-day behaviour.
From Kristen’s Tumblr:
…I still cannot fathom all of the ways that God wants me to grow, but I know that I’ve got a long ways ahead of me.
And so I decided to create my first step in a long succession of stairs.
Step 1: Rebuilding My Temple
God has given me so many blessings in life, so I shouldn’t waste them. They not only come in talents and skills, but in the little things I take for granted… Things like my family, my house, the food I have available to eat.
God has given me two functioning legs, two functioning arms, a spine that supports my entire frame, a head to think, taste, see, smell, and hear with, feet to walk, hands to give, and a heart to beat.
How have I responded to this blessing? With regret I say that I haven’t treated it very well.
I have neglected my own nutrition. It’s so easy to reach for the salty or the sweet snacks instead of the fruits and veggies God created for me to eat. I eat too much of the bad stuff and not enough of the good stuff. And as a result, my body becomes less of a temple and more of a warehouse.
Ew. That’s a gross realization for you.
I think that in order to be bold, I need to learn how to discipline myself. And what better way to start learning that lesson than to apply it to my daily routine?
So here is a promise. A promise that I won’t take lightly. A promise that I will hold. A promise that I won’t let slip through my fingers.
I, Kristen Achziger, pinky promise to treat my body as a temple. This involves:
A) Eating right.
B) Getting physical exercise.
C) Getting enough hours of sleep.
D) Avoiding stress.
E) Loving my body.
I admit it, I’m scared. That’s a big goal, and I’m afraid to break a pinky promise. So instead of trying to apply all five goals at once, I’m going to pick one to focus on for my first step of boldness.
I, [Kristen Achziger] (I, Sara Gildez), pinky promise to take the task of rebuilding my temple slowly, one step at a time, beginning with limiting my intake of fried foods. This includes:
A) Things that have been battered (mozzarella sticks, chicken strips, etc.)
B) Good veggies gone bad (zucchini, onion rings, french fries, potato chips, etc.)
For the record, it is 3:00 IN THE MORNING, so I can’t think of exactly everything that “fried” includes. But I will evaluate everything at the dinner table, drive thru, restaurant, and caf.
Fried food makes up a big portion of my diet, and eliminating (most?) of it will help my body to function better in many ways. I’ll feel better about myself and during physical exercise, I’ll look better, and I’ll decrease my chances of diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart disease.
I’m afraid. I am.
I’m afraid that I’ll quit.”
I solemnly swear to take this same challenge.
I, Sara Gildez, solemnly swear to treat my body as a temple from this day forward. This includes:
A) Eating right.
B) Getting physical exercise.
C) Getting enough hours of sleep.
D) Avoiding stress.
E) Loving my body.
All of those are going to be extremely difficult, but if I do them, it will also be an extremely good change for my body. The first step I am going to take in rebuilding my temple, besides a normal day-to-day Bible Study and prayer routine, is to get those four small healthy meals a day. I am also planning to get up by 8:30 everyday, even if it kills me, and go for a walk, or a run. I’ve got to get my lazy body up and moving earlier in the day, so I don’t have as much energy at 3 AM. I have a bike, and I have two good legs to carry my body, whatever shape it’s in. Also, I’m in SoCal, just a few miles from the BEACH, where I’ve always wanted to live, and I need to start taking advantage of it.
The other thing I’ve been inspired to do is start an small accountability/Bibles Study/prayer group. By small, I mean no more than 10 people. Small groups with more that 15 people are just too impersonal, and although sharing is encouraged, it’s too awkward to share with that many people. Anyhow, my friend Traci and I were talking and she was telling me of some struggles she was facing, and how she always feeling like she’s struggling, and to me, if you’re a Christian, and you’re NOT struggling in some way, then you’re doing something wrong. Christ told us many times, that although His burden is easy and His yoke is light, following Him is no picnic. He told us that we would be persecuted, for his sake, and that we were to glorify him in that, and be thankful in any circumstances, because to be persecuted is to be like Christ. We will struggle, because to have Christ in our lives is going against our very sin nature, and those two natures are CONSTANTLY battling. Anyhow, I’m getting off track… AGAIN. One of those other things I need to get under control. So, I want to start this small group. I have an idea of where I want to go, and who should be involved, but it’s DEFINITELY a prayer matter. I can’t get involved in yet another thing that I haven’t prayed thoroughly about….
and there’s another thing. A lot of times, when I prayed, I can’t hear an answer. I feel like I’m praying to air….
I think that’s a song…
GET BACK ON TRACK! haha, sorry.
But, seriously. I have a hard time hearing God. Not that I believe He’s not real. I know He is. How could He not be? It wouldn’t be at all logical. But I also don’t know why I cannot hear him as clearly as others claim to – I mean, on the one hand I don’t believe that to truly be “in touch” with God you should have the ability to speak in tongues, or wail out randomly during worship, but on the other… I only RARELY have the urge to speak out. Maybe I’m not meant to be that crazy worshiper. I do feel more in tune when ministering to my friends, but then afterwards, I hear this voice in my mind saying “Do you REALLY believe anything you just told him/her? Aren’t you the little fake? Telling those people the way to be in their Christian walk, and YOU don’t even know what you believe or why. You can’t hear God – does He even talk to you?”
Are those my thoughts, my doubts – or is it a stronger, more deadly and evil force behind those words? Am I a Christian, or am I a fraud? What am I? Who am I? Why am I here? And if I can tell people all these things in such a confident tone, then why can’t I feel them in my heart except in worship? And when I worship, am I trying too hard to look the Christian girl I am on the outside? It seems that every SHINE, I am in tears because I can’t hear God answering my prayers. Is that boy, or that girl, who comes and prays for me, the answer to my prayers and soulful cries out to God, or are they just trying to comfort the emotional mess I’ve become? It makes so much sense, but do I actually believe it?
I think this is how my accountability/prayer/Bible Study group should begin. just three of four of us, gathered together, to seek an earnest answer from God’s Word, and from one another’s experiences. I think we might start in James… but maybe not. We’ll see.
So much is changing, and I have so many decisions to make. And SO MANY decisions have to do with MONEY. Why did God allow us to create this thing called money? It only causes headaches.
You know what ELSE causes headaches? Love, crushes, relationships, and expectations. Recent events have thoroughly convinced me – I intend to stay single and un-crushing for a least a year. I need to build relationships that are not based on a crush, or ones that eventually turn into crushes. I need friends, not crushes. So that’s another plan I intend on implementing. Making friends, not getting crushes on every guy I see. Not that I’m that bad… I really am not. But when I do get a crush, I fall hardcore, and that only leads to me getting hurt.
I was watching The Music Man last night, and this song came on, and reminded me of what I wish would happen:
Course, I’m not an old maid librarian, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel this way. I jsut have to remember that even if I can’t hear God, I know He has someone out there for me, and I just have to wait. But until then… who knows….
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… yes. I think I’m going to go do homework now. I just wanted you to know that I haven’t forgotten you. I just forget to write, and then I feel bad, cause some really cool things do happen to me, I just don’t make much of them.
Awwww. Sappy sentimentalism. Now that this blessed season is over for another year, I can reflect on the heaven and hell that this past year has brought to me. So much has changed, and I know that I say that every year, but this year, things really have changed for me, though at this present moment, I can’t take advantage of those changes, being that I am at home once more. Thank goodness that vacation is almost over, for as much as I love my family and friends (few and far between that they are), I desperately miss SoCal and my university friends.
When I began this year, I was only a college sophomore, at a lowly community college, fulfilling simple general education requirements that, for the most part, did not aid me in my artistic pursuits. I was brokenhearted, depressed, and had lost many of my friends that had been so dear to me throughout my young life, two of which had been my constant companions and rocks of sanity through high school, and whom I though would be with me for the rest of my life – and how wrong I was! I had no solid idea that I would actually leave my home in the San Joaquin Valley of California and move down south for school – indeed it was only a sweet dream – the finances had just been too much for my family. Added to that dismal lot, I was quickly approaching the end of the carefree teens – the dread age of adulthood was just over the horizon for me – 20. How ghastly.
Fastforward to June. Having kept none, or at least very few, of my resolute New Year’s Resolutions, I graduated without an AA degree from the aforementioned community college and began my preparations for entry into my dream school in SoCal. My many possessions had to be purged (as I had resolved to do for so many years and had failed to do) and I boxed up many of them and sold the rest. If there was ever a case for Hoarders Anonymous or Clean Sweep, I am one. I simply have no control, and NO saving expertise… though I have tried for many years to curb my enthusiasim for the impulse buy – especially since I have so little money to complete those impulse purchases with, even with two minimum wage jobs, but I shall talk more of that later. By August, I had packed most of my belongings, had my bike checked for road-worthiness, and said farewell to many of my friends and church family. The week before I left, my church had a surprise goodbye party for me, and I wept at the thought of leaving my solid support system.
By September, I had, for the most part, settled in to a routine at university. My classes, although stressful at times, were lovely, as were my professors, and my only problems were a painful case of mono and fussy roommates. The mono was solvable with steroids, but the roommate situation was not so easily taken care of. It took many tears, headaches, meetings with our RAs, friendships being shaken and strengthened in some places, shattered in others, and finally, a room change to fix it, and by the end of October and midterms, I was in a room of my own, with several life friends on my side, many of whom had opened their doors to me in my time of need.
Finals were coming in the end of November, and I, being a 4.0 student in high school, was in dire need of a pick-me-up and a grade boost. Even though I hadn’t had straight As in community college, I did tend to get As and Bs and my G.P.A. only dropped a few points, but with various dramas, financial aid which arrived late, and lack of diligence on my part, my grades suffered a grave stroke. I passed all my classes, but none with flying colors.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there were many high points to this year. I met some of my closest friends in these last few months. I got to have a wonderful time ushering for the entire Vanguard theatre season, including Alice, Our Town, and It’s a Wonderful Life, to the point of which I was almost seriously considering a switch in major. I grew closer to God, both in my prayer life, and my spiritual discipline, and began to rely on Him more in just about every aspect of my life, and in that, I have grown much in the past four months, finding that the dramas and heartaches of this life really aren’t as traumatic as I see them. “When you’re young, everything seems like it’s the end, or so terrible – it’s not. It’s just the beginning, and one day, you won’t care a bit about the past.” So many times I read that sentence, or words very similar to that, and I laugh thinking that I’m different, that my dramas really are that big. Then a few years down the road, I look back and laugh at myself, or am disappointed in myself for ever thinking that my dramas were such a big deal. Another thing I’ve learned is that God has given me many many desires and dreams, and He wants me to have most of those desires and dreams – but not right now. A few of those desires and dreams are a family; love; a husband, who loves me passionately, intellectually, sexually, and intimately; a career, in entertainment. He’s also given me many loves and talents: people, animals, film, music, reading and writing, socializing and communication, the coast, and His Son, Jesus. How He wants me to combine and utilize those loves is completely beyond me at this point, but I know He will reveal it one day. I just have to wait on Him, and even when it gets difficult, I know He’ll be there to lean on.
I was telling someone the other day that I have a really good feeling about this next year, 2011. Even though I will be one year closer to being a quarter of a century old (21), I feel very confident about this upcoming year. I have an excellent schedule at school, a plan for spending my time and money wisely, a health plan that I will hopefully stick to and become a better tabernacle for God, and Christ on my side. I feel invincible, and I should. With God, NOTHING is impossible.
Well, my fellow bloggers, we are in the last week of this long year, 2010. May you all have time to reflect on both the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly happenings of this past year. And may all your resolutions be strong, and your resolve last longer than your bottle of sparkling cider that you plan to down on New Year’s Eve. And though I do not have one, and do not expect on by New Year’s Eve, may you and your significant other ring the New Year in right: kissing the old year out, and kissing the new year in. God bless us, everyone.
I hate couples. I abhore them….
Honestly, it’s not that I don’t love the idea of love, or that love makes people happy. And I love chick flicks, and happily ever after – but I HATE couples, and the only reason is because it reminds me of my perpetual singleness and my failed attempts at love before. Not that I have much of a history, but even still, it hurts to watch people who have it made thus far and who are in their own little world of bliss.
I can’t even walk or hang out with couples – if I had my druthers, I’d druther be alone with my iPod or in a group where there are no couples.
Now, I’m not trying to be a downer, not at all. Like I said before, I love the idea of love, and happily ever after, and I’m happy for all of those out there who’ve found love. But for me, it hurts, it’s like I’ve let myself get hurt and now I’ve become a commitment-phobe or something, which is ironic, because there’s nothing more I want in life than to be loved for who I am and to have a strong pair of male arms to hold me. And yet, it still bugs me so much when people ask me that dreaded question: “So how’s your love life?” I’m 20 years old, and I already feel like a spinster. Thank God for school… and books and movies.
People, once I tell them I have no love life, will respond in one of two ways: they will either tell me that someone will come along in time, and that I have plenty of time to enjoy singleness, or they will pity me…. I hate that. I don’t need pity, I need love. I pray that God will help me overcome this desire for love until it is time for me to have it, but so far, no luck, unfortunately. God is good though, and I do have girlfriends to help me through the stress.
Speaking of stress, I have just about three weeks left in this first semester here at Vanguard. On the one hand, I cannot WAIT to be done with homework and school drama. But on the other, this means I only have 3 more semesters here, and only one for certain, which makes me very sad. But until then, I have charts, reading questions, essays, and visual journals to keep me company – as well as a fun ushering job for my university’s production of “It’s A Wonderful Life”.
Thanksgiving is in 2 days… craziness. I have no clue where this year of 2010 has gone – I am nearly a quarter through my 20th year on this good-ish earth, and I’m spending in debt and in school…. Yea, that didn’t sound good to me either. But next semester is certainly looking up – better school schedule, more opportunity for jobs, and a new outlook on life, hopefully.
A few things I am thankful for this year: My family – parents who love me enough to pay partially for me to go to this expensive private university, and who support me no matter what I do, and siblings that make me laugh with their antics – a school that accepted me and is teaching me how to think, not what to think. A roof over my head and food and water to eat and drink, a bed to sleep in, technology like a cell phone, iPod, and laptop with an internet connection so that I can communicate with my friends and family back home. A church family who loves me and a school family who loves me and supports me when I need it and even when I don’t. My senses, my intelligence, and my ability to laugh it off.
Money is the one thing that I can neither be glad for or angry at. It causes so many problems – with the economy, with greed, with schools, with groceries, with jobs…. It’s because people have chosen Money to be their master instead of their Creator and lawfully Master, God in Heaven. That’s on my prayer list too.
Time for bed. Goodnight moon.
My name is Sara and I am currently continuing on a journey I began in high school to pursue my love of film and the art of film making. My desire is to one day become a director, and until then to do whatever the Lord leads me to do, whether it be to study, work with children, or just rest in Him. What you should know about me is that I am a devout Biblical Christian, and that I love His creation. I love people and animals, am a quick learner, and a hard worker to whatever I put my mind to do. I am creative, communicative, and active in community service when I can be. I love my God and my country. Feel free to browse my blog, or my Facebook, and if I offend, apologies in advance.