diffusolumine

“All my life, i thought that i’ve been blessed with amazing friends. Surrounded by people who have time and again proved me that they’ll support me and be there for me no matter what. So, I always thought whatever happens with anyone, I’ve got my real friends for me which I knew would never leave me and always do their best to try and understand me.

The time i spent in Erasmus with everyone, was the best time of my life and I sincerely believe that our Erasmus experince was quite unique and different than many others’. I’ve never enjoyed myself more.

There were several reasons for this. The fact that we’ve all been living together for starters. However, I believe the main reason was that our little group had such amazing people in it. And amongst those people a few stood out for me, with their unselfishness, with the value they give to other people and with themselves being nothing other than themselves.

You were one those people for me. And among all the other things you taught me, I believe the most important was that, regardless of the amazing friends I have here, I could always meet just as amazing people in my life. You were one those people.

I really miss you a lot and sometimes, when something happens in my life, I really search for you. To talk about it with you and to listen to what you’re gonna say.

But, somehow, I feel like it will not matter if we don’t spend as much time as we did. Because I believe that some friendships are damaged with time if the partners don’t spend enough time together, however those friendships are the ones where the people don’t really know or get each other. The real ones where the people really value each other and consider the other one a real friend, time and distance don’t quite matter.

We haven’t seen each other for 47 days now. And we are 4.344 km apart from each other.

Yet i still feel like you here with me, wherever i go.

I’ve written in your notebook that whenever you’ll need a friend, I’ll be there. I meant it.”

There are friends.
There are good friends.
There are close friends.
There are best friends.

There are also soulmates. And that’s the type of connection between two people that I believe in with every inch of my heart.

I spent my 22nd birthday as planned. In a coffee shop, reading. It was the 48th day. But at least we somehow got to share it.

There won’t be any cakes, candles or wishes. There won’t be anyone to sing to me for breakfast or hand me a ‘good morning’ flower. 

It’ll be a simple day. A day with and for me. 

*Martini with ice and lemon, Simply Red and a totally empty flat. My way of counting from 21 to 22.

When it comes to places, it’s not just the big picture that I miss. It’s not only crossing the bridge at night that I dream about. Or running along cute, nobby houses and picturing myself in every each of them. 

It’s the tiny add-ons that I always seem to miss the most. 

The way the room would always lit when pulling the curtains in the morning. The cluster made of drawings, colored pencils and half empty glasses of wine that could always be found on the table. The smell of cinnamon coming from the burnt incense sticks. The stains my red bottle of perfume would always leave on the shelf. The white coffee cup, red teaspoon and wine opener that I never learned how to use. 

Because mornings don’t make me smile without the same curtains. Inspiration doesn’t come when the only things on the table are a lamp and a black pen. The candle smells bitter, the shelves are clean, the perfume bottle empty, the coffee cup yellow and the wine opener forgotten somewhere at the back of a bottom drawer. 

*I would always have two coffees, an apple and a yogurt for breakfast, soup, salad and toast for lunch and wine for dinner. 

Fruits don’t sound appealing first thing in the morning anymore, coffee is best enjoyed as an after-lunch dessert, while wine has become a too rare treat. 

Because the way I live always depends on destination. 

It’s always reassuring to know you’ve still got some time left…to do all the things you’ve been planning to do, to visit all the places you’ve dreamed about, to become that someone you’ve always imagined of being.

And then, you wake up one morning and realise all those future times you kept projecting yourself into are not part of the future anymore. ‘In five years’ time’ has suddenly become ‘today’.

It’s scary. Because it was so much easier to fail knowing you have years ahead to get another chance. Without worrying too much about running out of time.

It’s probably the idea of not knowing where I’m headed to, while others are already building their dream house, that makes my heart squeal. It’s not that I got to a certain end and don’t have enough time or where to go from here, it’s the fact that I’m not where I imagined I would be a few years ago.

*Actually, I’ve never had a clear imagine of my future self. I was only guessing that by this time I would have figured out more about myself.

I’ve always needed a future something to keep me going, as I often find myself in need of a reason I can hold up to. Because yes, it’s not rarely that I don’t have enough strength within me. And that’s when I reach out. 

I need targets so I can cross them off the list. I need to countdown months, weeks, days. I need to know where I’m headed to so I can take the right roundabout exit. 

Although I know that not being in control is perfectly normal, not having anything to look forward to scares the hell out of me. 

There will always be that someone just showing up in your life one day.

He will make you smile your heart out in the morning…

…and sob in the afternoon.

But in the end, nothing will matter more than those mornings. Because that was when you’ve been the happiest you could have been.

And happiness, regardless of being followed up by tears or not, is meant to be kept forever.

I’ll be keeping mine in a brown box.

I wouldn’t call it an illusion, but it’s definitely been a dream. A dream made of colourful people, shiny buildings and cheap wine.

…

Episodes of hysterical laughter, the urge to hug and slap him in the same time, drunken honesty, drama lover and constant attention seeker, he was the one who made me realise that, in order to be happy, I need to be surrounded by people (and learn how to love them regardless of eating Nutella with their fingers or not).

…

Turned from water bottle carrier to wine holder, from lake to waterfall, making his entrance anywhere worth paying for (although those booty moves should be priceless), his room has quickly became the most loved place. I’ve learned a lot of things about me through him, but the one I will always cherish is the moment I realised how many words one song can replace if sang and lived by two people in the same time.

…

To make an entire whiskey-drinking-nation cringe just by showing alcohol-red-painted-lips is a superpower that only one hero can hold. And because heroes are anything but regular, his tastes in fashion (‘best dad’ socks, anyone?) might have horrified some, but made all of us love him even more. He has been bringing sexy ginger back for 20 years after all!

…

Sometimes not wearing a belt (underwear overexposure) and being somewhat arrogant are directly proportionate with the amount of affection and warmth a person is willing to give. And, seriously now, how could you not love seeing him walking around with a bottle of wine while wearing all those silly gangsta hats?

…

Counselor, psychologist, problem solver, her room has experienced all dramas and possible human emotions. She’s been everyone’s mom, dad, sister, always having a drunken friend to take care of and a hungry one to feed. (Oh, late night pasta and 5 a.m. toasts, you will be missed by so many people…) The girl whose door was never closed, you’ve managed to make yourself loved more than anyone else.

…

The most uncomplicated, drama-free, honest and delicate person I’ve met, she made me realise that the small and simple things are always the ones that taste better. And that a small package is definitely not a sign of a tiny heart.

…

Having perceived him at first as being cold and rigid has made me appreciate and love even more all the inside things I discovered later. Because, let’s face it, getting a gesture of affection from that someone you least expected it from, makes it a thousand times more special. And being able to laugh at all those jokes hidden behind his straight face…priceless.

…

His looks might have caused street accidents, such as girls slipping on their own drool, but the heart and character he revealed are the ones truly worth fighting to have around.

…

A bit lost in space, but with his heart where it’s supposed to be. And meeting him has made me realise that communication isn’t about exchanging words, but sharing feelings and understanding how some (apparent) useless things can be worth a million times more.

…

Being quiet doesn’t always mean there isn’t anything to be said. In her case was just a matter of keeping them for after having a glass of wine. For when all walls of inhibition fell off and revealed one of the funniest and craziest girls I shared so much with (drunken hugs and lipstick included).

…

She always had the cure for making my day better and ease any kind of pain (and no, I’m not talking about that life changing chocolate she always brought with her, although that might have had some influence too…). Being strong and rewarding everyone with a smile is the lesson for which I am and will always be extremely grateful.

…

She’s, in my book, the new definition of ‘genuine’ which, along with her overflowing energy will be that something I’ll always miss like crazy. That, and of course her never ending love for indulging in Turkish pizzas and Stroopwafel McFlurries (for breakfast)!

…

Having such a strong accent has never made me want to hug someone as badly as she does. How cute does the word ‘car’ sound when coming from her?

…

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned these last months was to never do anything or act in any other way than my own. And, by not having her close for so long, she showed me how bad it feels when not doing so. Another thing I learned? That, in order to love other people, I first have to start accepting and loving my own self, as it all starts from there.

They all four represent the image of how friendship should really look like. Of how the ones you have around should be able to heal any kind of wound you might have and help you turn tears into optimism and the simple joy of living.

…

And there were also this sometimes redhead, freckled girl who would show up every morning at my door holding a coffee in her hand, a croissant in the other, who would always forget her reading glasses on my table and borrow some of my hand cream while listening to all the crazy stories she missed the previous night (when she was most probably reading a book or stalking someone). She would always wait for me at 5 in the morning to hear me cry, take me for a walk and bitch about the ones who made me feel so bad. It always worked.

*For now, living in the past seems to be the only way to manage life.

For now, living in the past seems to be the only way to manage life.

I’ve been having this lengthy post on my mind for a couple of weeks now. But I’m afraid that putting words down will make the ‘goodbye’ process a reality. 

Sometimes falling so madly in love with new places means not truly belonging to old ones. 

Rotterdam has made me realize my place is neither in Scotland nor back home in Romania, but in one which has yet to be discovered. 

To say the reason of one’s suffering is superficial is one of the easiest things to do. Especially when you’ve never woken up one day just craving the most basic things.

There will always be that someone who will suffer not because he can’t afford to live a life as good as the people around him, but because he cannot afford to live a life at all. There are sufferings linked to sickness, to the loss of someone’s life, but none of these make our own less worth of being consumed. Because, regardless of what’s happening around us, we all have the right to suffer. No matter of how insignificant our reason is.

All of these don’t make us less human, they don’t make us selfish or ignorant. And they definitely don’t hey turn us into tyrants incapable of feeling compassion for others.

But, regardless the reason, in order not to lose our capacity of being human, we need a shoulder to lean on and to further pass it on.

Feelings exist so that they can be shared. They might not mean much, but they should be just taken the way they are.

Life isn’t complicated unless we make it so.

*Take it as a lesson and please make sure you never shake anyone else’s life like that.

There’s a bubble full of feelings waiting to burst.

Any second now.

Because sometimes, in order to absorb each and every feeling, the only things I need are a piece of paper, some crayons and a bunch of people whose smiles I can fill the pages with.

And now the countdown.

True, time does heal any kind of wounds. The challenging part is having enough patience to go through the process without your struggle being noticed.

In the end though, even with beautifully healed wounds, there is always a scar. It might not be noticeable, but you know it’s there. And whenever the weather changes it will make you wonder if you still crave anything you had before the bruises appeared.    

Even though I’m having the best time ever, I feel that my life is a bit of a chaos. And that’s pretty tough for someone who’s always been a schedule freak.

Belgium has taught me a lot of things…

There’s an amazing world being unwrapped in front of our eyes.

Life isn’t worth living without a good beer…or a great chocolate bar.

Sometimes, in order to be happy, you just have to pretend you don’t care. Even if the battle inside bites straight into you. And I guess that if you truly believe in it, indifference will eventually come your way.

If only I could pause everything and just immortalise ‘now’ and ‘here’. I wouldn’t ask for much. A moment, no matter how short, would be enough. Because I want to be able to remember all the insignificant details. I want to be able to remember all the times my breath would stop, every time I couldn’t stop laughing, all the drama preceded by glasses of wine and followed by midnight walks, the fourth floor gatherings and confessions. 

Too many feelings, not enough space to store them all.