Jason Linkins

Hey, everybody! Welcome to another Sunday. Which means welcome to another day of watching, or reading along to, me. And my exercise in futility. For America! Yes, once again, for you, I am here watching these Sunday morning gobemouches flap their lips, pointlessly, into the teevee cameras. My snap judgments and poor spelling follows in their wake. This week, we all know what's on everyone's mind -- the disclosure of unexpected information, that could change everything we thought we know about the past few years of our lives. By which I mean JOHN HURT IS GOING TO BE THE DOCTOR WHAAAAAAAT?

Also the IRS did some stuff they shouldn't, enough to make them this week's Benghazi, until UmbrellaGhazi starts next week. It'll be EPIC, TNT, we know Drama, et cetera.

As a programming note to all liveblog readers, I want to point out that America's Greatest Arlen, Arlen Gargagliano, has opened her own very tasty and fun restaurant in Tuckahoe, New York called Mambo 64. Named for the Commodore 64 of Mambos. Gargagliano's new restaurant has everything -- Caipirinhas, panuchos, a thing with quinoa in it -- really, something for everyone. So plan your road trips accordingly this summer, okay?

As a second programming note, next week is Memorial Day and this liveblog shall be on vacation. We'll return the week thereafter, unless we develop an unhealthy attachment to Memorial Day. No guarantees are being made.

Anyway, the drill. You know it. It goes a little something like: feel free to converse in the comments, drop me a line if you need, follow me on Twitter if you want, check out my Rebel Mouse page if you're bored.

Shall we begin?

FOX NEWS SUNDAY

Okay, what does ol' Chris Wallace got going for us? IRSGhazi! All those 501(c)(whatevers) got Ghazied by people in Cincinnati and now we're in a "crisis of confidence," because if there's one word we've traditionally associated with "the IRS" it's "confidence."

This could be a hawt, hawt conflict-scandal whatsit were it not for the fact that there is currently no political faction that isn't upset about what happened. No one is "pro-IRSGhazi profiling." Everyone is very much opposed. So the winner of this particular Ghazi will be whoever bellows the loudest and jumps around with rage. Right now, if you want to "win" this scandal, you need to be on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, ripping your clothes to tatters and shrieking "DAMN YOU, IRSGHAZI! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!" and then take off naked and screaming through the city.

Dan Pfieffer, one of the more difficult names in Washington to spell correctly very quickly and so he's just going to be known as Danny Fife from now on, is here to explain how against the IRSGhazi the White House is, and he doesn't look like he's at all prepared to do much shrieking or garment rending. He could have at least bloodied his hand with the viscera of his enemies! Oh well, we'll see how he does.

Danny Fife says the the White House unequivocally did not here about the IRSGhazi until the Treasury's counsel's office called them to explain that an investigation was about to wrap up. Does that mean that even then there was no knowledge of the profiling or the IG investigation? Fife says that they knew that the IG was investigating the potential that political groups had been targeted, from the Treasury's counsel, just a few weeks ago. Not before.

But Wallace points out that the IRS's IG told Deputy Treasury Secretary Neal Wolin about the investigation last year, specifically about the targeting as well. So Wallace, not unreasonably, wants to know if it's possible that Wolin never told Tim Geither and that Geithner never passed it on up the chain. Fife says that the "Cardinal rule" is that you don't interfere or appear to interfere in an investigation. From his standpoint, the proper people were informed and the investigation was proceeding.

He points out that Representative Darrell Issa was given the same heads up as Wolin, but at the time there were no details, no evidence, nothing to Ghazi on and on about yet. Fife partially quotes Issa's line to Wallace: "I knew what was approximately in it when we made the allegations about a year ago. This is one of those things where it's been, in a sense, an open secret, but you don't accuse the IRS until you've had a nonpartisan, deep look."

Fife says, bottom line: Wolin did not tell the White House about the investigation.

But a number of Democrats in Congress wanted the IRS to investigate these groups. Fife, who obviously cannot speak for random Democrats in Congress, refers Wallace back to the IG report, which held that the IRS' was not motivated by an outside influence or a political influence. "It was a management issue, not political motivation," Fife says, suggesting that the wellspring of this Ghazi was mere incompetence.

But Joseph Grant, who was the heading the tax exempt division, said that the referrals came from "public, media, watchdog groups, and members of Congress." In truth, we should be scrutinizing all of these "social welfare" groups, because they are all a little bit dishonest and a little bit scammy. It's too bad that the end result is that there will be less scrutiny of these tax exempt groups. Naturally, I, along with everyone else, expects that the scrutiny is consistently applied.

But back to the point, Fife says that he can only refer to the IG report. More importantly, he says that the White House is focusing on restoring the trust in the agency. He says that the IRS is going to go through a month-long audit, now.

Wallace wants to know why the President didn't get into the middle of the investigation himself, and Fife basically tries to point out that it would be unprecedented and not a little bit crazy for a President to get neck deep in an investigation of an independent agency.

Wallace wants to know what, and why, specifically, the president is outraged about here. Uhm...he's mad at the IRS? See, Obama didn't run down Constitution Avenue with the blood of Cincinnati IRS functionaries streaked in mysterious glyphs on his naked chest, bellowing in bare-ass rage, so he is losing this Ghazi. Fife tries to explain that the President is mad at the "breach of trust," but he is very calm about it, and doesn't even throw his coffee cup across the room in a fit of pique, so he is also going to lose this Ghazi, if he is not careful.

Wallace wants to make hay out of the fact that the lady who ran the tax exempt division of the IRS is now working on Affordable Care Act implementation, and what that means for the public trust. Can she be replaced? Can we be sure there will be no political agenda? I have no idea how there would be a political agenda in Affordable Care Act implementation? Presumably, the worst thing you can do to the Tea Party is target them with health care via the ACA, which keeps them healthy and happy and alive and ENRAGED.

Fife says that the person in question was not named in the IG report. It's yet to be demonstrated that she's done anything wrong. The thirty day audit may yield some evidence suggesting otherwise, in which case they'll hold her responsible. Fife makes a basic plea to not throw someone out of their job until such time as it's been determined they've done something wrong. Which is pretty reasonable.

Wallace turns to Benghazi. The ORIGINAL GHAZI. THE O.G. Wallace has a long preamble to a question. That question: what did the President do the rest of the night, after he was informed about the Original Ghazi. Fife says he was "kept up to date throughout the entire night." He says that despite the conspiracy theories, there is a mountain of documentation that has been provided to account for the actions everyone taken. Fife then filibusters for about four sentences of platitudes.

Wallace wants some more specifics about what Obama did, like what time did he brush his teeth, and was the rage he felt at the ongoing Ghazi so strong that he brushed and brushed and brushed until his gums bled, leading to him dropping to his knees and yawping, "BENNNNNNGHAAAAAAZI!!!" through a mouth brimming with Aqua-Fresh lather and gum-blood. Fife says that he spent the night in discussion with his "security team." Wallace whinges abouthow that means he didn't talk very much to Hillary Clinton or Leon Panetta. Fife says that he was in contact with the staff that has the job to keep him apprised by all this. Wallace wants to know if he was in the Situation Room. Fife says, basically, that he was in a bunch of rooms.

"I don't remember what room the President was in, that's a largely irrelevant fact," Fife tries to explain, "The premise of your question is that something could have been done to change the outcome." But he doesn't get this! Obama can only win the Benghazi Ghazi if he spent the night in the Situation Room, with Clinton and Panetta, emoting wildly, drinking blood from the neck of a GITMO prisoner for strength, and having to be restrained by fifty men to keep him from ascending on angel wings to Libya, armed only with fists, to stop the Ghazi.

They argue about this for a while. Wallace wants to know how Obama responded. He is literally asking after Obama's rage levels, at the Ghazi.

There is some discussion about the emails from the Benghazi. Fife goes through a litany of complaints about how the emails have been used, misinterpreted, and manipulated. His fundamental point, however, is that all the emails really reflect is that the investigation into what specifically happened and who did the attacks were a difficult and challenging mystery to solve, especially in the first days after the event. The second thing the emails reflect is the desire to not do anything to throw off the integrity of the investigation. That's all stuff that should have been properly inferred by the media the first time government functionaries stepped out to slowly explain what they thought was going on.

The other thing worth pointing out is that Jonathan Karl at ABC News got rooked by some Republican, as far as the emails he misreported.

Fife ends the conversation by reminding Wallace that the White House doesn't jump into or interfere with inter-agency investigations, their job is to act swiftly once the investigations are concluded, and to his mind they've done that satisfactorily. The truth here, is that Pfeiffer really got off easy, with this line of questioning. For Wallace, this really is a contest to see who can get into the biggest display of bare-assed rage. And now we'll see if Paul Ryan can out-bellow him, and thus win today's game of Ghaziyachtzee!

Why does Paul Ryan think that the IRS didn't tell Congress about the investigation -- was it bureaucracy? Or was it election-year skullduggery. Ryan says that he doesn't know, they will investigate it, and he won't speculate. Then he darkly muses that this went very "high up" and was an "abuse of power to the nth degree," which is hilarious considering the President can now just kill American citizens with drones without a trial. Sure! Being temporarily inconvienced by a bureaucratic cock-up that was easily uncovered and which no one in any political party supports is an "abuse of power to the nth degree!"

But that's how you win at Ghazi-ing! Well, played, Commander Haircut!

Is Ryan impressed with Fife's answer? Does he have any evidence that refutes what Pfieffer has said? Ryan says that he does not have an answer, but the investigation is young. He then begins to filibuster, and Wallace cuts him off to ask about the difference between an "audit" and "investigation." Ryan says that the "investigation" is what is currently happening.

Is Ryan impressed with the explanation that was offered, that Tea Party groups were singled out via corner-cutting short cuts? And what does he make of the fact that other groups, besides conservative groups, were targeted? Ryan waves it off by saying that search terms like "progressive" were not targeted, so that means people were targeted solely because of their political beliefs. I think there is still a good chance that this was still more stupidity than malice, as the tax-exempt office was also being inundated by Tea Party groups coming on line. Nevertheless, I'm the sort of person who still demands consistency, both as a best practice and a guard against these sorts of accusations. The actions taken allow Ryan to make these accusations.

That said, it's not actually been proven that this is more than a bureaucratic snafu, as Ryan suggests. But, again, you don't win a Ghazi by trying to be reasonable, or by playing things close to the vest.

Ryan still totally believes that the Original Benghazi was a massive cover-up, for the purpose of keeping a set of talking points in the air for seventy-two hours. Frankly, his heart is definitely now more in the new Ghazi and not the old Ghazi. Wallace, sensing this, tries to goad him by reminding him about the stake he had in the original Ghazi, as he was running for Vice President. Ryan says he doesn't have an answer, and, again, he sounds sort of less alive and excited than he did talking about the IRSGhazi.

Obviously, though, Ryan thinks that big government is terrible and the Obama White House is awful and everyone who didn't vote for he and Mitt Romney are probably very sorry.

Okay, time to have a PanelGhazi with Brit Hume and Kirsten Powers and Karl Rove and Dennis Kucinich.

Hume says that the Ghazies are "quite serious," and that the problem the administration faces is that the IRSGhazi was coincidentally favorable to the President's politics, and to Hume's estimation, the White House has "had trouble telling the truth." It's a weird argument. Obviously, investigating Tea Party groups do not align with the President's interest because there's nothing to be gained except suspicion. Hume also doesn't seem to realize that there is no pony, at all, for the White House, in the original Benghazi, and that the very fact that it happened in the first place took us well past the post in terms of "aligning interest with the White House's politics."

Also, LOL, when you explain what you know on Monday, and then you know new things on Tuesday as a result of the effort you are making to investigate the matter, you are not "having difficulty telling the truth," you are "learning more about what happened."

Anyway, I am happy to hold future Presidencies that Hume loves to these standards, if he wants, but I'd rather be fair and consistent.

Why should groups, like Rove's even get tax-exempt status, asks Wallace. Rove just says that the Democrats use these groups to fight Republicans, so turnabout is fair play, as long as you are following the rules. This doesn't answer the question: why do these groups deserve tax-exempt status.

Kucinich says that there's evidence to suggest there is political targeting of these groups, and to him, the big problem now is that now there will be big limits placed on properly auditing these weird groups.

"You have to be careful about giving a free pass," Kucinich says.

Hume is pretty sure that the Affordable Care Act lady should be fired too. Rove suggests that Pfeiffer's defense of her was that she was "ignorant" as to what was going on. Pfeiffer actually said that she was innocent-until-proven-guilty of any wrongdoing, and that she was entitled to the benefit of the doubt until the ongoing investigation demonstrated otherwise. Not the same as saying that she was "ignorant" and thus, "endorsed." Wallace actually CONDUCTED the interview with Pfeiffer, and doesn't correct this.

Someone needs to give Wallace a Petscan because I'm pretty sure he hit his head on something on the way to the panel table! (He maybe should check with OSHA.)

Anyway, more panel. Rove thinks it's an open question as to how the standing of "big government" fares after all the facts on the various Ghazies comes out, but he's pretty sure that Obama's poll numbers will suffer. Rove glides past the point on the poll numbers -- there's slight concern among those bothering to tune in to the Ghazies, but these remain Beltway+base obsessions.

Kucinich wants to hold Obama accountable for not doing more to help the people whov'e been ground up in the gears of the economic downturn, and says that when it comes to "big government," the real action is with the national security state. That's almost TOO substantive for Sunday morning. Who talks about the American people and their economic woes on a Sunday show? Everyone knows that unemployment is a matter that solely impacts the electoral prospects of affluent political elites, and with no election on the wing, talking about it is dumb.

Brit Hume reminds everyone that he hates big government. Kirsten Powers disagrees.

Rove is pretty sure that we'll have five more weeks of Ghazies, so I doubt that anyone actually needs me to liveblog these shows next week? For Memorial Day, just re-read this one, or smack yourself in the forehead repeatedly with a ball peen hammer. Basically the same concept.

FACE THE NATION

My own Ghazi, right now, is the fact that we are thirty-five minutes into the Arsenal-Newcastle match and the Gunners have yet to notch a goal even though this is a must must win for them against a team with nothing to play for. ARSENGHAAAAAAZZZIII!!!

Okay, Face The Nation will get down and dirty in the Ghazi, we'll see of it goes better or worse for Danny Fife, who will be shouted down after the fact by John Cornyn and Jason Chaffetz. Plus Gary Pruitt is here, to talk about the DoJ probing the AP's phone records (was wondering if that would matter to anyone!). Plus there will be a panel, as always.

Schieffer asks about Denis McDonough's order to his underlings to not spend more than ten percent of their time, working on Ghazies, and whether that means no one is taking the Ghazies seriously. Fife says no, they take it seriously, they just don't want the Ghazies from dragging time away from "doing the people's work." Schieffer chides Fife, saying that this is "exactly the same line" as Nixon did during Watergate. Fife responds by saying that unlike Nixon, they aren't making excuses for the IRS's actions or pretending they were kosher, they are taking actions to repair the situation.

Fife, as he did on Fox, tells Schieffer that yes, the timing of how and when they found out about the IRSGhazi is exactly as they let out, and blah blah blah Cardinal Rule about not getting into a investigation or interfering with one, etc.

Schieffer seems confused about why it took Obama "three days to say anything" about IRSGhazi, if he was so upset. Fife says that it's not enough to be fast out with a statement -- you need to have facts right before you say anything. Schieffer accuses the Obama administration of being aloof and "unacquainted with the work of his own administration" -- citing a WaPo editorial. But I have news for everyone! If there was one takeaway from the Susan Rice Fiasco portion of the Original Ghazi, it's that no one will be coming from the Obama administration fast with some facts to the media ever again. There is going to be a lot more waiting around, and I guess a lot more wondering if Obama FEELS EMOTIONS he professes to feel.

That's what's sort of dumb about Schieffer's question. He doesn't seem to think that Obama was HIDING something or doing anything SUSPICIOUS by waiting to address the press -- he just doesn't think Obama can be properly angry about this.

Is the Obama administration "the most transparent in history?" Pfeiffer says yes, and I miss the next three minutes of FACE THE NATION, because THAT IS TO LAUGH, BROTHER.

Schieffer says that the disconnect is that when the Obama administration has things going for it, they are quick to talk about it, but they delay things when things are going wrong. That's actually not true! Susan Rice rushed to Sunday shows to deliver talking point balderdash very quickly, on the notion that SOME INFORMATION NOW was better than GOOD INFORMATION LATER. (Schieffer brings this up, and he's extracted the wrong lesson from the situation.) Everyone got burned! It will probably never happen that way again, and maybe that's for the best.

Fife says that they brought current information to the media through Susan Rice, and updated it with new information as it became available.

Schieffer grouses, "That was just a P.R. plan," referring to Susan Rice.

Bob Schieffer! I sort of hate to tell you this, but you host a Sunday Morning Beltway Chat Show. YOU ARE THE P.R. PLAN. If you want to not participate in "P.R. Plans" you should resign, yourself.

Schieffer asks why the Secretary of State didn't come on the Sunday Shows. She didn't come on the shows because she has successfully deduced them to be a pile of excrement.

"Why are you here today," asks Scheiffer. Because you asked him to come on? Honest to God, Face The Nation, if you don't like the quality of your guest, have some self-respect and tell him to stay home.

John Cornyn is now here, for his P.R. opportunity. He thinks that it's "implausible" -- the White House's reaction, and an "unfortunate culture" that includes "cover up." What's been covered up? I mean, no one is trying to defend the IRS or pretend that there's not stuff worth knowing about it.

CORNYN: All I know is what I read in the press and listen to you and other members of the news media say. What we do know is that Secretary Lew of the Treasury, shortly after he was confirmed in March, said he knew about this. And then the president -- I'm talking now about the IRS scandal -- and the president himself said he didn't learn about it until May 11 when he read it in the newspaper. That's either evidence to me of somebody not doing their job or the kind of willful ignorance I alluded to earlier or trying to cover things up.

I've found this Benghazi stuff so tedious and misdirected I skip much of the coverage, including yours. No offense intended, obviously. But I'm tuned in to your Soundoff this morning and just want to be sure that - at some point down this long road - you've turned a phrase linking fake outrage over Benghazi with the 80s/90s DC hardcore punksters Fugazi. You seem like the sort of guy (meaning: I identify with your take on media and stupidity, and mistake that for a shared history) who probably went through a Fugazi phase, so "Fughazi" undoubtedly occurred to you moons ago. Apologies if I either missed precisely such wording in your previous writings on the topic or have just now wasted your time by suggesting something that would be unmissable to a professional wordsmith.

The austerity policies that gripped the world in the face of the global economic downturn have not worked. Unless the intent was to make a bad situation almost intractably worse. In which case they have worked like gangbusters. Pop some Cristal!

The good news is that people are starting to wake up from this dementia. As Kevin Roose noted, the media are starting to question premises of austerians. As well they should, considering that the holy illuminated manuscript, a study by economists Carmen Reinhart and Kenneth Rogoff, turns out to have been an error-ridden mess. We are in the midst of what Politico calls "an intellectual shift away from austerity." Better late than never, I guess.

So who will be the last man to die for this mistake? The New Republic's Michael Kinsley has volunteered for the job, in a piece that essentially contends that while everything austerity critics have said (about it being a dysfunctional to non-functional set of economic prescriptives that have doled out harm where none was desired) is correct, it was still necessary to punish the proles, because offering help to the ordinary people being ground up in the teeth of the economic downturn would have sent the wrong message, morally speaking.

Kinsley's imagined antagonist here is, of course, Paul Krugman, who has contended the opposite -- by which I mean he has regularly advocated for bringing the economy back to full employment, breaking the back of the aggregate demand crisis, and doing all of this as a priority above blind deficit butchery. Not that he's a particular fan of high deficits. "Give me something that looks like a normal employment situation and I'll become a deficit hawk," Krugman has said. Which seems pretty reasonable.

Krugman's writings seem to bother Kinsley quite a bit, so much so that he gives Krugman top-billing in his piece, even though it was more clearly animated by an op-ed penned for The New York Times by David Stuckler and Sanjay Basu, titled "How Austerity Kills," which discusses, among other things a correlation between unemployment and suicide, and the extent to which the idiotic sequestration -- which is essentially austerity meeting PCP -- could spark all manner of public health crises.

Kinsley writes that Stuckler and Basu "are right, in a way," and that Krugman is also correct. But the reason Kinsley doesn't stop there and close up his laptop and walk away has nothing to do with any sort of economic argument. In the seeming belief that the author's choice of headline, invoking the idea that "Austerity Kills," has opened the door to a moral argument, Kinsley shucks logic aside and simply contends that measures to stimulate the economy and promote full employment are even more immoral. "'Stimulus' is strong medicine, " he writes, "an addictive drug -- and you don’t give the patient more than you absolutely have to."

Kinsley may have not read Krugman's work very clearly, considering the fact that the Times columnist, like the rest of America, is still left in a state of pure, childlike wonderment about what it might feel like to receive too much stimulus, as opposed to their experiences with the inadequate amount that was doled out after the downturn.

Over at Salon, Alex Pareene has subjected Michael Kinsley's recent austerity apologia to a thorough teppanyaki-style slice-and-dice, pointing out that Kinsley, while acknowledging the pain austerity economics have caused, nevertheless believes that the pain is "worth it," because, in Kinsley's words, "Austerians believe, sincerely, that their path is the quicker one to prosperity in the longer run.”

"Kinsley seems to accept that belief as true," Pareene writes, continuing:

It is hugely embarrassing on a number of levels that this is the last line of Kinsley’s column: “They at least are talking about the spinach, while the Krugmanites are only talking about dessert.” First of all, spinach is actually pretty good if it’s prepared well. Maybe instead of “spinach” the metaphor for austerity should be “poison.” “We need to eat our poison to make up for how much cake we had before” is the austerian argument, more accurately put.

Second of all, the “we need our medicine” line always -- literally always -- actually means you need your medicine. One reason austerity has been so popular (and Krugman says this as well) is that its effects don’t harm the rich.

It's not hard to find this same view among bankers, financiers and sundry Wall Streeters today. Recently a bond trader told me he hoped that the Fed would raise interest rates and plunge economy into a truly deep, painful (but he hoped, quick) depression. "I don't think that would be good for you," I said. "Oh, I'd be fine," he responded. ( I meant politically: as in, there'll be people with pitchforks at your door. We were talking past each other I suppose.)

There's no question that economic contraction feels quite different to a bond trader and an unskilled worker. A spike in unemployment hits those on the margins of the labor market the hardest, while contractions also usher in deflation, which has a strong tendency to make the rich richer. But the faith in the salutary effects of economic misery also derives from a puritanical view of the economy, one that can manifest itself on both the left and right. Under this view contractions are collective punishment for our trespasses; we are sinners in the invisible hands of an angry God.

I don’t think suffering is good, but I do believe that we have to pay a price for past sins, and the longer we put it off, the higher the price will be. And future sufferers are not necessarily different people than the past and present sinners. That’s too easy. Sure let’s raise taxes on the rich. But that’s not going to solve the problem. The problem is the great, deluded middle class -- subsidized by government and coddled by politicians. In other words, they are you and me. If you make less than $250,000 a year, Obama has assured us, you are officially entitled to feel put-upon and resentful. And to be immune from further imposition.

It's understandable why the pain metaphor is so popular. One, it's logical to think that the answer to big deficits is cuts, and cuts are painful. More importantly, it appeals to an innate sense that pain is frequently a long-run redeeming thing to experience. You go to do Crossfit, and you feel pain. But then pretty soon you're a beast that's never felt better. Some religious people used to mutilate their own flesh to show proper respect to The Lord.

So this is just a popular idea: Take the pain now, be redeemed.

A chart that everyone needs to have seared into their brains is this one, which shows the deficit as a percentage of GDP (red line) vs. the unemployment rate (blue line).




For 60 years (!) the pattern has held. When unemployment drops, the deficit as a percentage of GDP drops. When unemployment rises, the deficit rises.

It's an open question as to whether any of our recent Beltway scandalettes will heat up or peter out, but in the meanwhile, it's best to be reminded of a hidden upside in all of this, for America. Per Greg Sargent:

Liberals who are dreading the scandal-mania that is taking hold should note that it contains a potential upside: It could make a Grand Bargain that includes cuts to Medicare and Social Security benefits even less likely than it already is. That’s because when scandal grips Washington, a president actually needs his core supporters more than ever to ward it off, making it harder to do anything that will alienate them.

There is precedent for this. President Bill Clinton long entertained ambitions to dramatically reform Social Security, but those plans were shelved amid the Lewinsky crisis. While there is some argument over whether the crisis was the cause, it did make him more reluctant to alienate Democratic supporters. As John Harris put it in his book about the Clinton presidency: “Come 1998, when Clinton needed every Democratic vote possible in order to survive the Republican attack over Monica Lewinsky, the work of challenging his own ground to a halt. He had no political latitude to push for the reform of the entitlement programs for the aged.”

A state lawmaker whose vehicle was shown speeding by a traffic camera in upper East Tennessee co-sponsored a bill to take that camera down this year.

Rep. Jon Lundberg (R-Bristol) was cited for driving 60 miles an hour in a 45 mile-per-hour zone while driving in Bluff City in 2010, just weeks before voters elected him to a third election. The photo-enforced traffic cameras did not show images of the driver, and Lundberg said an employee of his public relations firm was driving the company vehicle at the time.

The traffic camera speeding ticket “has absolutely zero effect” on his decision to sponsor the bill, Lundberg told The City Paper. “In fact, until you said that, I completely forgot about that.”

I know there was probably a time where those who supported a Benghazi inquiry were able to deftly maintain that their interests had nothing to do with politics. But with no one really interested in pursuing a critique of the Libyan intervention itself -- of which four dead Americans were a predictable, natural consequence -- there's little left to do but focus on the horserace.

So here's the National Review, pivoting all the way to 2016:

Chances are, by the time all the facts come out in L'Affaire IRS, we'll be assaying an example of how a fumbling sort of incompetence, as opposed to active malice, can fuel a scandal. Until then, however, one of the major problems with this scandal is that it's pretty easy to assume malice. And so everyone who thinks they've been improperly targeted by the IRS is adding their briefs to the pile.

Over at the National Review, Rep. Bill Flores (R-Texas) has a funny feeling that he was a target of some sort of IRS shenanigans. Flores believes that the assistance that he provided the Waco Tea Party in dealing with the IRS put the agency onto him as a result:

A few months later, Flores received a notification from the IRS requesting additional documents regarding his tax returns.

“Was it just an independent review of my return or was it because I was asking them questions about their activities for tax-exempt organizations?” Flores asks. “I don’t know, but once the trust is broken, you know, you lose confidence.”

Flores says his accountant sent in the requested information within the time frame allotted by the IRS, but he hasn’t heard from them since, even though the agency is required by law to respond to his submission.

Florida, somehow, is becoming the state that produces more Republican lawmakers with a professed love of the hip-hop music than any other state. By which I mean Florida has produced two such people, and I have not been paying attention to the other states.

Florida Sen. Marco Rubio's love for hip-hop is well-known, and it would have been useful to have him lending everyone some perspective back when Common visiting the White House was some major-crazy scandal in American life. But thanks to the good people at NowThisNews, straight out tha Florida 19th comes Rep. Trey Radel (R-Fla.) who says he can "kill it" in an "old-school" match-up with Rubio. (I do not know, exactly, what that means. Does he want a rap battle with Rubio? Does he want to go toe-to-toe in a hip-hop trivia fight? Whatever it is, I will very happily host this on the roof of our D.C. offices.)

Radel likes the song "Fight The Power," because reasons:

"Chuck D ... and I may disagree on certain philosophies of government, but I think at the end of the day -- and this is where I take my love for hip-hop music -- of where you can see, where there have been issues and problems, with heavy handed either law enforcement, like the Department of Justice like we see right now with the AP, or with government itself, what I believe in, as a lover of hip-hop, especially older school hip-hop, like so-called gangsta rap to Big Daddy Kane to Eric B & Rakim who I have a huge affinity for, that New York rap, that listening to some of this music as musicians and artists have done for generations, what they do is open the eyes of people from maybe different walks of life."

So, someone at CNN needs to get everyone up to speed on soccer, apparently. For instance, suppose you happened to look up at the TV screen and saw this:

By now, you've probably heard that the Department of Justice is taking all manner of slings and arrows ever since it came to light that the agency went out and secretly obtained reporter and editor phone records from journalists at the Associated Press. This intrusion into two months' worth of private records of AP journalists was apparently carried out in pursuit of whoever leaked information to the AP's Adam Goldman and Matt Apuzzo, after the pair wrote a May 2012 piece about the CIA's involvement in thwarting a terror attack.

AP head Gary Pruitt is not at all pleased about any of this. As the editors of The New York Times noted, Pruitt said that "two months' worth of records could provide a 'road map' to its whole news-gathering operation." Generally speaking, those who practice journalism -- like The Times' editors -- have been outraged on the AP's behalf. CNN's John King put it best: "When this happens, however it happens, it sends a chilling message from the government to people in our business and the AP, I think, is justifiably outraged."

The DoJ's actions are simply not the sort of thing that anyone who works in the journalism or media industry are likely to defend. Or so I thought, until I found out today that Media Matters For America has prepared a set of talking points for people who maybe want to see the whole matter from the point of view of the agency that improperly surveilled journalists in a free society underpinned by First Amendment protections.

Which is wack, plain and simple.

Naturally, it should be said that Media Matters has not done something so horrifying as to mount a specific, fervent defense of the government surveilling AP reporters. The problem, however, is that they also don't mount a specific, fervent defense of the press freedoms to which the Associated Press (or any news outlet) is entitled. Caught between the knowledge that what the DoJ did was way beyond shady and the desire to defend a Democratic White House, Media Matters awkwardly attempts to "split the baby," as they say. Frankly, they quarter the baby. There are just ... baby parts, everywhere.

It's gross.

Their talking points come with some elegant caveats. "While it's early in this story and we don't have all the facts," Media Matters writes, "this case raises important questions about the balance between a free press and effective national security."

Well, it's not too early in the story to know these facts: THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE, WHILST ON A LEAK HUNT, SECRETLY OBTAINED TWO MONTHS OF PHONE RECORDS FROM JOURNALISTS AT THE ASSOCIATED PRESS.

Those are facts that we know. We can also make a set of reasoned judgments about these facts, beginning with the fact that the press often depends on whistleblowing sources and information leaks to keep the public apprised of what their government is doing. Snooping around in phone records puts the chill on that activity. It makes people with information less likely to come forward. It makes reporters and editors less likely to take risks. It puts journalists back on the path of covering the news on the basis of access and favor-trading.

That's all stuff that we know. And we should also know that in resolving the conundrum between national security and a free press, there are a lot of steps that probably should be taken before we jump to, "I know, let's just have the DoJ start pulling the AP's phone records!"

Media Matters seems to think that the facts of the matter are somehow in flux, and the larger issue is hazy enough to accommodate an allowance of the DoJ's actions. They are wrong on both counts, and their talking points are a hot mess, as a result.

Let's begin with their "Key Issues To Raise," the first of which is: "If the press compromised active counter-terror operations for a story that only tipped off the terrorists, that sounds like it should be investigated."

I don't know, guys. I think that when you "raise a key issue," you should sound like you've made up your mind about it. If it's not possible to phrase this talking point without the "if" and the "sounds like," you should probably just sit this one out. But like I said, just because something "sounds like it should be investigated," it doesn't mean that the next step is snooping through two months of phone calls.

Also, I do not understand the whole "for a story that only tipped off the terrorists," part. Who is arguing that the Associated Press "only tipped off the terrorists?" Surely we can all agree that the Associated Press is a global news organization, and there is no chance that their stories are somehow "only tipping off terrorists." What they do is called "informing the public."

They go on: "It was not acceptable when the Bush administration exposed Valerie Plame working undercover to stop terrorists from attacking us. It is not acceptable when anonymous sources do it either."

Can you name the terrorists that Valerie Plame stopped? I don't doubt that she was a terrific protector of the homeland, guys, but you've suddenly gone from a lot of equivocating to saying something very definitive, without much in the way of supporting evidence. Also, are we equating the Associated Press with the Bush administration, here? Because that is not a good idea.

The next point: "Is this story about a government source blowing the whistle on government misbehavior, or about a source gratuitously exposing ongoing counter-terrorism operations?"

Like I said, this is a story about the DoJ cold grabbin' two months of journalists' phone records, on a witch hunt for a source, in a manifestly improper and unconstitutional reaction.

Then, Media Matters loses the thread entirely: "Did Republicans in Congress who are now exploiting the situation to score political points oppose the media shield law that likely would have protected the Associated Press in this situation?"

Huh, what now? A minute ago you guys were advocating for the government's right to investigate the press for matters of national security leaks. Now you are advocating for a law that would enshrine protections against such investigations. Whose side are you on? (Also, need I point out that it was the Republicans who wanted the DoJ to investigate these leaks?)

And in the next breath, we're back to implying that the DoJ's actions were justifiable: "How should the Justice Department strike the balance between respecting our free press and investigating damaging leaks that jeopardize counter-terrorism operations?"

By not secretly obtaining two months of phone records. That could be a good place to start.

The Media Matters brief trundles on through an entirely different section, vacillating wildly between taking the DoJ's side and being angry at Republicans for blocking "shield laws" and the like that would have protected journalists from the sort of witch hunt the DoJ undertook.

There are a lot of things now that you would think I would not have to tell Media Matters, but which their wackness makes necessary.

First and foremost, Media Matters, you exist because you'd like the press to adhere to your preferred set of norms, specifically norms that preclude an improper, rightward partisan tilt in news coverage. There's no denying that you guys make good cases. Here's the thing, though: If you'd like the press to listen to your urgings, you are probably not going to get that to happen while taking the position that it's OK for the government to snoop through the phone records of reporters and editors. To the perspective of those reporters and editors who were subject to the DoJ's probe, and to the journalists who take the AP's side in this matter, you guys are just dicks for putting out these talking points.

Secondly, anyone who does anything in journalism understands that there are basic protections that are necessary for a free press to function. Sources must be protected, whistleblowers must not be chilled, vital information has to flow to the American people. How much of your own work, Media Matters, depends on a courageous source, or a reporter willing to risk losing access to powerful officials -- or their own privacy! -- to get the truth out? I daresay that this matters very much to your business model. So, you should probably not put out talking points that imperil your own work.

Finally, the most obvious thing needs to be said: I'm pretty sure that if this probe of the Associated Press had been conducted by a Republican administration, you would not be doing all of this "Let's give the snoopers the benefit of the doubt."

I am pretty sure that your anger over the breach of these journalists' privacy would be epic and righteous and uncowed.

ThinkProgress! You guys need to check yourselves as well!

There are some deeds, I'm afraid, for which having the favored party identification is not an affirmative defense. It is not OK that the DoJ did this because the DoJ is being run by the guys who you perceive to be wearing the white hats. Snooping through the phone records of reporters doesn't become OK because Democrats are doing it, and it doesn't become evil by dint of the fact that Republicans are doing it. IT IS EITHER ALWAYS RIGHT, OR ALWAYS WRONG.

The thing is, Media Matters, you have painted yourselves into a corner here. Someday, in America, there is going to be a Republican in the White House. They will run the DoJ. They will contend with leaks of their own. They will face a choice as to whether to abridge the rights of the press to hunt that source down. They might even choose to do something very much like the DoJ did in this instance.

I think that what the DoJ did in this instance is wrong, and it's going to be wrong even if Republicans or antelopes or sentient toasters or Tralfamadorians are in the White House.

But after today, Media Matters, you are not going to be able to disapprove of these things. You are going to have to extend, to these hypothetical Republicans, the same generosity and the same benefits of the doubt. And you are not going to like that. Not one bit!

Sorry, guys, you are wack!

UPDATE: Media Matters is sort of semi-disowning this talking points memo because it was prepared by...some sort of renegade Media Matters faction, I guess? Here, let David Brock explain, as best he can:

Media Matters for America monitors, analyzes, and corrects conservative misinformation in the media and was not involved with the production of the document focusing on the DOJs investigation. That document was issued by “Message Matters,” a project of the Media Matters Action Network, which posts, through a different editorial process and to a different website, a wide range of potential messaging products for progressive talkers to win public debates with conservatives.

As a media watchdog organization, Media Matters for America recognizes that a free press is necessary for quality journalism and essential to our democracy. A healthy news media is what we fight for every day. Yesterday, 52 news organizations signed a letter to the Department of Justice expressing concerns that the DOJ’s broad subpoena of Associated Press reporters' phone records runs counter to First Amendment principles and injures the practice of journalism. We stand with those news organizations and share their concerns.

Wondering why former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton never went on a Sunday morning political chit-chat show to talk about the goings-on in Benghazi, or to be asked 500 times by "Meet the Press" host David Gregory if she is going to run for president? According to Politico's Glenn Thrush, the reason you don't see that happen is that Clinton has properly assayed the Sunday shows as terrible institutions that should be destroyed with fire:

But three sources close to the situation tell POLITICO that it was less a matter of fatigue, and more a matter of Clinton not wanting to go on the shows.

The aides said Clinton had a “default” policy of rejecting all Sunday requests.

[...]

“[Hillary] has a standing refusal [to do Sunday shows]. She hates them. She would rather die than do them,” said one aide on condition of anonymity. “The White House knows, so they would know not to even ask her.”

Way back when, we noted that mathematical odds and political science all but ensure that eventually, scandals happen in presidencies.

But the Obama White House, for many years, defied the overall trend of scandal, and remained scandal-free for a very long amount of time. In May 2011, political scientist Brendan Nyhan recognized this -- and determined it was due:

Going forward, though, the odds of scandal are high and rising. Obama already faces low approval among GOP identifiers and a similarly hostile climate in Congress. Back in March, New York Times columnist Paul Krugman noted that Republicans hadn't yet made a serious effort to back up claims that the Obama White House is "one of the most corrupt administrations." As more time passes, pressure to find evidence of misconduct is likely to build -- my data suggest that the risk of scandal increases dramatically as the period without a scandal stretches beyond two years.

My research suggests that the structural conditions are strongly favorable for a major media scandal to emerge. First, I found that new scandals are likely to emerge when the president is unpopular among opposition party identifiers. Obama’s approval ratings are quite low among Republicans (10-18% in recent Gallup surveys), which creates pressure on GOP leaders to pursue scandal allegations as well as audience demand for scandal coverage. Along those lines, John Boehner is reportedly “obsessed” with Benghazi and working closely with Darrell Issa, the House committee chair leading the investigation. You can expect even stronger pressure from the GOP base to pursue the IRS investigations given the explosive nature of the allegations and the way that they reinforce previous suspicions about Obama politicizing the federal government.

In addition, I found that media scandals are less likely to emerge as pressure from other news stories increases. Now that the Boston Marathon bombings have faded from the headlines, there are few major stories in the news, especially with gun control and immigration legislation stalled in Congress. The press is therefore likely to devote more resources and airtime/print to covering the IRS and Benghazi stories than they would in a more cluttered news environment.

He's got a whole administration full of people who could slip up at any moment and, say, funnel arms to anti-American extremists.

“After the election, the president said he was familiar with the literature on second-term difficulties,” said presidential historian Michael Beschloss. “We scholars may be about to see whether knowledge of that history can help a president when they begin to strike.”

“What we’ve seen in the past week reignites the question scholars ask about problematic second terms,” Beschloss added. “Is it mainly a coincidence that every president of the past 80 years has had a hard time after getting reelected? Or is it somehow baked into the structure of a second-term presidency that some combination of serious troubles is going to happen?”

If you're wondering why the Department of Justice has been paging through two months' worth of various Associated Press journalists' phone records, you have to cast your mind back to the Spring of 2012.

Back then, the news was brimming with all sorts of exciting stories on the national security front. The AP reported in May that the CIA had "thwarted an ambitious plot by al-Qaeda's affiliate in Yemen to destroy a U.S.-bound airliner" using "an upgrade of the underwear bomb that failed to detonate aboard a jetliner over Detroit on Christmas 2009." And The New York Times, in June, reported that President Barack Obama had "secretly ordered increasingly sophisticated attacks on the computer systems that run Iran’s main nuclear enrichment facilities."

The AP story, to the minds of critics, offered al Qaeda insight into the fact that the CIA was aware of the group's activities. And the Times reporting on the U.S./Israeli cyber war with Iran was full of details that had never previously been disclosed.

The timing of these disclosures seemed rather suspicious to Republicans, 31 of whom sent Attorney General Eric Holder a letter asking him to "immediately appoint a special counsel to investigation [sic] national-security leaks from the executive branch," The Hill reported.

“The numerous national-security leaks reportedly originating out of the executive branch in recent months have been stunning,” they wrote to Holder.

“If true, they reveal details of some of our nation’s most highly classified and sensitive military and intelligence matters, thereby risking our national security, as well as the lives of American citizens and our allies. If there were ever a case requiring an outside special counsel with bipartisan acceptance and widespread public trust, this is it,” they wrote.

“Whether it is secretly targeting patriotic Americans participating in the electoral progress [sic] or reporters exercising their First Amendment rights, these new revelations suggest a pattern of intimidation by the Obama Administration,” Doug Heye, a spokesman for House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, said in a statement to TIME. “The First Amendment is first for a reason,” added Michael Steel, a spokesman for House Speaker John Boehner. “If the Obama Administration is going after reporters’ phone records, they better have a damned good explanation.”

The news today is that the Justice Department "secretly obtained two months of telephone records of reporters and editors for The Associated Press," in what the AP president and chief executive officer Gary Pruitt called a "massive and unprecedented intrusion" into newgathering. The Justice Department has not cited a reason for this snooping, though it is generally presumed that the precipitating event was a May 2012 story that "disclosed details of a CIA operation in Yemen that stopped an al-Qaida plot in the spring of 2012 to detonate a bomb on an airplane bound for the United States."

Politico's MacKenzie Weinger has a roundup of journalist reactions, and they are decidedly not positively inclined toward the government's point of view. Fox News' Greta van Susteren referred to it as a "dragnet to intimidate the media." CNN's John King said that the actions are "chilling," and that the AP is right to be angry.

King's colleague, Wolf Blitzer, on the other hand, can totally see the other side of things. You know, the side where the press essentially gives up its constitutional freedom?

“Although if you look it from the other side, if there was a serious leak about an al-Qaeda operation or whatever, they’re trying to find out who may be leaking this information to the news media, do they occasionally have the right to secretly monitor our phone calls?” Blitzer asked.

There is news Monday concerning the mayoral run that Anthony Weiner might be making in New York City, unless he doesn't make that run, in which case carry on with your lives. Per Maggie Haberman, the former U.S. representative is "staffing up," according to people:

Sources did not identify the name of the staffer, or what position the person will play on the campaign. But it comes after Weiner and his associates have spent weeks canvassing for names of potential press aides and other hires.

>> Nation's Gentrified Neighborhoods Threatened By Aristocratization: "When you have a bejeweled, buckle-shoed duke willing to pay 11 or 12 times the asking price for a block of renovated brownstones—and usually up front with satchels of solid gold guineas—hardworking white-collar people who only make a few hundred thousand dollars a year simply cannot compete." [The Onion]

>> Buried in the "for Kids" section of the Treasury Department, there's a page featuring Excel spreadsheets of alcohol distributors and wholesalers, nationwide. News you can use, kids! [Treasury Department]

>> Don't be so hasty to throw those stinky leftovers out! They could be award-winning. [Endless Simmer]

>> Congratulations to nine DC students, who won scholarships to George Washington University. There, they will meet people from New Jersey. [DC Wire]

>> DC Cab riding, cajun style! [Diary of a Mad DC Cabbie]

>> "WHAT IS SHE DOING TO THAT CAKE?!!?? THAT’S SOMEBODY’S BIRTHDAY CAKE!!!" [Pygmalion In A Blanket]

>> Hey! Wanna know what's been happening with that Tower of Invincibility whose email alerts I signed up for? Not a frakking thing. [By The Way Battlestar Galactica Returns Tonight]

Picture by Flickr user _kurtie_.

Mark Athitakis' latest article in the City Paper, "Building the Great D.C. Novel," is a fine one, and it really gets the mind grapes juicing. It takes up a noble task: how to write the classic DC novel.

His thesis, for which he builds a solid case, is this, "Though a few have come close, the Great American Novel has bypassed Washington." Along the way, Athitakis speaks to Jeffrey Charis-Carlson, a "scholar of DC literature" who's been immersing himself in the subject for his dissertation, and finds that he has "had a rough time finding a singular book that might rank with the likes of The Adventures of Augie March, The Bonfire of the Vanities, The Big Sleep, A Confederacy of Dunces—novels that drill deep into how a city operates, giving you a sense that multiple waterfronts are being covered."

That's not to say that Athitakis is harshing on the literary offerings that stem from, and speak of, this city. He isn't. He makes copious mention of authors that have been inspired by and in the city (Chris Buckley, Ana Marie Cox, Ward Just, and others). Nevertheless, it should be noted that DC lit often does get some short shrift. Browse out to the Wikipedia page devoted to DC culture, and you can stub your way through topics related to film and theatre, music and museums, but nothing on books.

That seems shortsighted. DC novels are out there: the genre-anthropologies of George Pelecanos typically spring to mind, and you've likely pored through any number of spy thriller set in the city as well. But there's much more. There are sweeping historical epics from Henry Adams (Democracy) and Gore Vidal (Washington, D.C.), a classic horror novel that's turned a staircase into a tourist attraction (Blatty's The Exorcist), snapshots of ordinary lives (Andrew Hollaran's Grief, Paul Kafka-Gibbons' Dupont Circle, Ann Beattie's Chilly Scenes of Winter), the poli-sci-lite lit of Kristin Gore, and at least one wack-ass coming-of-age story: Christina Stead's The Man Who Loved Children.

But I get what Athitakis is after. He's looking for that essential DC novel—the book that takes on the "multiple waterfronts," finds a way to integrate different races and classes, finds a sweep and scope that doesn't ignore the Federal City at the center of Washington, but doesn't get bogged down there either. He identifies four novels that break out into the component parts he finds important, but he's dreaming of a novel that knits it all together.

It's a daunting task, given the traditional transience of the city and the fact that our central industry—governance—is as apt to alienate as it is to fascinate. What to do, what to do? Well, in The Areas Of My Expertise, John Hodgman maintains that the most salable premise in novels is "all animals versus all humans." So maybe we need a novel that depicts the entire city, coming together as one to fight all the city's animals—the rats, the pigeons, the cherry-blossom chomping beavers, the snakehead fish that walk on land, and all the denizens of the national zoo. It can contain lines like:

Dammit! We've tried it your way, Kucinich! But if we want to make it through this day alive, we need to start using the things that make this city truly great! Like our deep-seated, toxic distrust of neighborhood improvements and our confusing, zone-based, taxi fare system!

And the whole thing can end with a mortally wounded Marion Barry, breathing his last as he impales Butterstick upon a DC flag, choking out the words, "Celebrate and discover, you bamboo-chomping m*therf*cker!"

Or...maybe not. Still, as Athitakis says, "The field is wide open for somebody with the nerve to give the Great D.C Novel a shot." We'll take your best pitch, commenters.

For some, "Hell is other people," but for one local blogger, hell is just one person: the maitre d' at Kramerbooks & Afterwords, who governed over last Sunday's brunchtime with a haughty manner and a tendency toward "psychological abuse." There were snippy quips over bathroom tokens, for example, and memories that seem to have been remembered in German. But the whole matter ended up taking an existential turn for the worse:

I also heard Herr Säuglingsmörder berating several other patrons, notably someone who missed their name being called. The patron tried to insist that he had been in the store the whole time, but Lord Testicalshredder at his little podium of power called him out for having a Starbucks cup in his hand - BUSTED! But something Yelly McImpatient said to the now-indicted customer struck me:

"You can’t leave the store! You can’t leave the store!!!"

My god, I thought, he’s right! You can’t leave! That’s what they’re doing here! They are amassing bodies in this bookstore - for what? To harvest their body heat for energy for Testy Von Why-Am-I-40-Years-Old-And-Shouting-”Party-of-Three”-For-A-Living to devour? To muster a great hipster army bedecked in vintage tees?

Earlier this year, newly minted Washington Times EIC John Solomon began making changes at his new place of employ. His first move was to bring an end to some of the Times' most sacred traditions: like deploying scare-quotes around the word "marriage" when preceded by the word "gay," and belittling a major national political figure and presidential nominee by referring to her constantly with her first name. Also, they resolved to be slightly less douchey to immigrants and stuff. And, as we learned earlier this week, Solomon is poised to undertake a staff realignment -- old talent trimmed, new talent brought in -- that he promises to be "expeditious and fair, even-handed and humane," especially to the people being hired.

Well, that wasn't the end of Solomon's changes, not by a long shot, and today, he detailed some of his plans to FishbowlDC. The coming Times' upgrades include a recently launched TV/Radio studio, a website redesign (with a goal to "go live in mid-May"), and a reorganization of the physical look and feel of the paper itself.

As far as the online initiative goes, Solomon promises a "a Web 3.0 generation website" that's focused on enhancing the reader experience through the use of something called "news cubes" and greater "horizontality." Solomon also says that the Times plans to "create 15-20,000 RSS feeds on narrow-casted themes," which might just be the most terrifying promise the Times has ever made. Even more exciting: increased opportunities for you area bloggers to turn your hobby into a profession! The Times will be launching various online communities over which will rule a "blogger in chief." Expect the look and feel of permalancing, however: "They will most likely not be a Times staffer," Solomon says.

The paper's print redesign is also coming in the short-term: Solomon says to expect it "by summer time." Are you mentally prepared for a new Washington Times?

Photo by matvontheis

My sister, after spending over a decade away from the Washington area, recently moved back to attend graduate school. As she had been away a good long time, and was only in her early teens when our family decamped for Orlando, Florida (a move we all regretted, trust me), she thought it wise to take the time to refamiliarize herself with the area. And, being a child of an employee of the American Automobile Association (hence the move to Florida), she was well versed in the lore of guidebooks and TripTiks. So she went out and purchased several.

One of the things she bought was a pocket-sized guide to Washington from a publisher named Inside Out. As a package, Inside Out's D.C. guide, revised in 2005, is pretty good. It has maps that unfold and enlarge like origami butterflies, a decent -- if not exhaustive -- run down on area attractions, a compass for those moments when you forget how to count or spell, and even a pen with a tiny light...you know, for those times when it's better to light one tiny penlight than curse the darkness. In short, it's a nice and inoffensive little guide. Until you get to the last page.

Unfortunately, that's where the good people at Inside Out attempt to lay out an essential glossary of D.C.-centric terminology, and, my oh my, are they ever out of their depths. The effort ranges from the adorably parochial to the hopelessly stupid, and throughout, it is hilarious. So much so that the best thing one could possibly do, is quote the whole thing at length, which we'll do after the jump. I promise you, I am making none of this up.

Titled "Speak it," the glossary is divided into two sections. The first deals specifically with the culture of politics. It is actually sort of cute in the way it strains to be so cynical.

POLITI-SPEAK DC politi-speak is what you will hear from the politicians and their entourages in bars and restaurants throughout the city.

Here is what their jargon really means

bounce effect: Occurs when a presidential candidate does better than expected in the primaries, causing a "bounce" out of the primary. In other words, the candidate receives increased media attention, which leads to more funding.

the big tent: In which everyone is welcome in a political party, as in "Step right up and join our party, we need your vote (but don't expect anything in return)."

handler: The marketers who sell the product, which in this case just happens to be the political candidate.

pol: One of the more pleasant names for a politician

pork (pork barrel): Excess "fat" in the budget that only benefits a politician's constituents, for instance the building of a highway or bridge to expedite local traffic

soft money: Money that cannot be legally given to a federal candidate so is given instead to the candidate's political party to spend in a way that will benefit the candidate.

spin: To mainpulate the message for your own purposes. This is what press secretaries do for a living.

straw poll: An unofficial, nonbinding trial vote, used by some state parties during a presidential primary race.

wonk: flunky steeped in arcane governmental minutiae such as details of Sweden's public plumbing system.

Yes. Those are indeed, the NINE TERMS you will hear in every bar and restaurant. If only Inside Out had stopped there!

Because the next section is on street lingo. They're not precisely wrong in these usages...some are tantalizingly close to correct, so some attempt at doing the research and getting it right was made. It's just that the whole section is just a little off (and a lot dated), as if it was prepared by some impossibly earnest alien being who was probably sent by his overlords to study Sweden's public plumbing system.

DC SPEAK Meanwhile out there on the streets, there is a whole other language going down.

bama: A very uncool person.

bangin': Something very good.

beat your feet: To join in on an improvised go-go dance competition. [Ed. Note: And what tourist doesn't find themselves faced with that opportunity?]

bumpin': Also something very good.

cosign: To support someone in an argument.

cuz: Short for cousin.

don't wrap me up: This is a request for another person to make themselves clear.

off the hook: An all-encompassing superlative used long and often in street talk.

rollers: Police. "The rollers locked me up."

So there you have it, faithful readers! Leave your best sentences in the comments. And don't wrap me up, wonks!

In today's sad reminder that terrible people are out there walking among us, there is news today that an Alexandria charity, ALIVE (Alexandrians InVolved Ecumenically), has been the victim of a warehouse burglary, in which thieves made off with more than 1,000 pounds of food intended for the needy. ALIVE, which according to their website, "serves over 12,000 Alexandrians annually," works with community volunteers to provide Alexandria's less fortunate with a full spectrum of services, from financial assistance and donated goods, a child development center that targets health and education, and a massive effort to help the hungry.

The burglars struck at a city-run Wheeler Avenue warehouse where the organization stores the food that doesn't fit into the space they rent from an area church. The food that was stolen was said to be the quality products that ALIVE had in the warehouse: meat, fish, and spaghetti sauce. It was part of a stock that the organization distributes at the end of every month when people begin to run out of food stamps. According to the Washington Post, the charity isn't as worried about restoring their supply -- though they noted that "requests for food have risen 30 to 40 percent in the last year and have been growing" -- as they are about where they're going to store the food now, "Do we put it in the same place, where someone can just steal it again? That's the problem."

According to reports, there were no signs of forced entry at the scene.

For every dollar donated, ALIVE is able to purchase ten pounds of food from the National Capital Food Bank. If you'd like to help out with a donation, click over here to find out how.

Norovirus Outbreak Traced To Convention: According to this morning's Washington Post, a convention held at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in Prince George's County seems to have been the origin for an outbreak of the nasty norovirus -- the crafty little vomitous bugger that's known best as the ruiner of cruises. It's an inauspicious debut for the just-opened convention center, which was ironically hosting some sort of "medical meeting" at the time. According to the Post, "Seven people were taken to hospitals with conditions not considered life-threatening; seven others were evaluated and treated on site."

Nats Stadium Open House News: We woke up this morning to rumors that the Stadium Open House scheduled for today had been scuttled, and those rumors, we're sorry to say, are true. Nats officials confirm that today's inclement weather have forced the cancellation. There is no further news at this time as to when or if today's Open House will be rescheduled, but Saturday's is still on as planned. We shall keep you posted.

Harry Thomas Wants A Clampdown: A recent uptick in violent crime in Ward Five has Councilman Harry Thomas Jr. calling for a "crime emergency" -- you know, instead of a "crime...feh, whenever you get around to it." The Examiner says the District Police Chief Cathy Lanier is cool to the idea of invoking a "crime emergency" -- which allows the MPD to alter police schedules and force additional overtime shifts -- even though, when last deployed in June 2006, it totally solved all of D.C.'s crime problems forever and ever and ever. “It’s a drastic measure, but these are drastic times,” said Thomas.

Briefly Noted: Urban guru Richard Florida decamps for Toronto, but don't worry, Ryan Avent is still here...Reliable Sourceresses say that Jenna Bush and Henry Hager are looking to settle in Charm City...D.C. Area paramedic shortage is said to have been curbed after successful recruitment drives.

This Day In DCist: Last year, Inside Edition sent their "Rat Patrol" to D.C., and for one day, no one in the city could have been said to have the worst job in media. Two years ago, many of you went to see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. That's what bloggers and their readers do! See the Yeah Yeah Yeah's...act like you've witnessed a rock revolution. Not me. I was, at the time, beginning a long set of dorky and complicated plans to see the Long Winters one year later.

Picture by Flickr user afagen

Well, sad to say, but the A-Hole Patriots Ran Up The Score On Us Revenge Tour of 2008 came to a premature end in Seattle Saturday, and Washington fell to the Seahawks, 35-14. Yeah, yeah, they lost by 21 points. But the game was much more competitive than the score implied. In fact, after a Seattle special-teams mistake gave Washington a fortunate fourth-quarter possession deep in Seattle territory, I was starting to believe that something otherworldly was affecting the outcome myself. But there's only so much poltergeists can do.

For most of the first half, it looked as if Seattle's defense was going to keep the Redskins offense completely bottled up. Patrick Kerney led the way for Seattle, a seething pillar of menace that single-handedly short-circuited our schemes, providing plenty of opportunities for his teammates to get into the act. A Leonard Weaver run for touchdown and a second quarter field goal allowed Seattle to take a 10-0 lead into the locker room, with Washington looking for some sort of answer to get the team moving again.

Washington responded in the second half by giving quarterback Todd Collins some adjustments - shorter drops and quicker reads - to help him get rid of the ball in the face of Seattle's onrush. But Seattle gave Washington an assist themselves by going conservative on defense and easing up on the pressure - the wages of playing teams like Arizona and St. Louis, I suppose.

Slowly, Washington started to get moving, and in the fourth quarter came that brief flood of impassioned play that made it seem like the tide was turning. Washington finally got on the board with a touchdown pass to Antwaan Randle-El. On the ensuing possession, the defense got into the act, with Laron Landry grabbing an interception that would set up a quick touchdown pass to Santana Moss.

When Seattle, mystifyingly, failed even to field the ensuing kickoff, allowing special-teamer Anthony Mix to grab possession, it really looked like Washington was going to seize the game. But the team couldn't close the deal, and the drive - their best opportunity, really - ended in a Scott Suisham miss. Phillip Daniels told reporters afterwards, "Not to score on that turnover, that changed the momentum of the game."

Fatally, as it turns out. While Landry managed another pick, Seattle bore down and got the score they needed. And on the next possession, a critical route-running error from Moss allowed Seahawk corner Marcus Trufant finally to hang an INT on Todd Collins - one that he took the distance for what would prove to be the game-icing points.

And just like that, the season was over, leaving me stuck with deciding which group of smugbags I want to root against more - this season's New England Patriots or the 1972 Miami Dolphins (email me your advice, please). From the big picture standpoint, the season's positive outcome has likely done the team a world of good. If Washington had not managed to arrest their mid-season slide out of contention, the offseason would have seen some sort of system-wide rebooting of the team, and history has shown that the last people you want carrying the ball for Washington is Danny Sixflags and the front office.

More importantly, though, Washington's fortunate run was an unexpected period of joy in a season scarred by loss. No one would have blamed this team if the loss of Sean Taylor had put thoughts of competing out of their minds. But the team made something of their season, playing with heart and sharing their passion with the fans. It was more than anyone could have possibly expected. A special season, and hopefully better days to come. There were times this year when this team pushed me to the brink of pure acid and cynicism, but even though we couldn't punch our ticket out of Seattle, I'm moved enough now to offer one last Hail to the Redskins. See you next season.

A month ago, the Washington Redskins needed to win out the rest of their season and receive a ton of help from the rest of the NFC in order to make the playoffs. And it needed to start in the short week between a Sunday's loss to Buffalo and a Thursday night game with Chicago. And then it needed to start after Sean Taylor's funeral. And then it needed to continue despite losing starting quarterback Jason Campbell. And lastly, it needed to include three more victories over teams with playoff aspirations. Two of them on the road.

And it all happened. Coming into yesterdays game with rival Dallas, they had gotten the wins they needed. The teams which had the inside track to the final wild-card spot a month ago had all taken a dive. And a guy who hadn't earned a start at quarterback in ten years - for whom one-sixth of his career pass attempts have come in the past four weeks - had become one of the hottest players in the league. But best of all, while there were any number of favorable scenarios that would have let the Redskins back into the playoffs (all of which came to pass anyway), Washington instead went out yesterday afternoon and took the last playoff spot in emphatic fashion.

I'm not sure it's possible to evaluate a football defense that same way you do a major league pitcher, but yesterday, the Washington defenders played about as perfect a game as one can. They allowed a single yard of rushing, folks — an all-time historic low for the Cowboys — and were seemingly always in the Dallas backfield. They forced Dallas off the field on every single third down. In three trips inside the red zone, they allowed only two field goals. Basically, if you're a fan of good team defense, you would have loved the Redskins effort. And if you're a fan of Redskins defense, you probably tried to find a way to bang the Redskins effort, and, later, maybe even spoon.

On the offensive side of the ball, after a few dodgy fumbles, things went pretty much according to Hoyle. Clinton Portis ran for two scores — the first of which, by the way, was a tackle-shrugging-off thing of beauty. Collins played a smooth, confident game — why, several of his incompletions were so beautiful that the refs took several long, lingering looks at them. And - I swear this is true - just as I was thinking, "You know, this ass-whupping has been awesome and all, but it's time we just put a button on this thing and get our playoffs on," Collins dropped back, looked down field and hit Santana Moss in stride for the frosting.

So guess what, Bostonist? The A-Hole Patriots Ran Up The Score On Us Revenge Tour of 2008 is a go. First stop Seattle, where we'll take on a Seahawks team that gave up 44 points to the Chris Redman-led Atlanta Falcons.

And to everyone who might be thinking that Washington only won because our opponent had little to play for, was resting its starters, was without T.O., et cetera, we'll say only this: See you in two weeks, jerks!

Well ain't this a kick in the pants? The Washington Redskins, faced with having to take the same long cut to the playoffs that they did the last time they found themselves all but eliminated and facing a slew of teams suddenly willing to play dead, took their act on the road to Minnesota and won 32-1421, in a game that was only briefly tense and was basically decided by an alert eye on the sidelines and a well-timed challenge by Joe Gibbs.

Conventional wisdom says that when you face the Vikings, you have to go out and shut down Rookie of the Year mortal lock/human Wii controller Adrian Peterson and force Minnesota’s offense to put their trust in the hands of Tarvaris Jackson, a quarterback who, so far this season, is known for combining the recklessness of a Rex Grossman with the accuracy of a William S. Burroughs. Naturally, Adrian Peterson has proven to be a difficult running back to contain all year. Sunday night, however, the Redskins' D made Minnesota’s Adrian Peterson look more like Chicago’s Adrian Peterson, which isn’t entirely fair because Chicago’s Adrian Peterson put up a very Minnesota’s Adrian Peterson-like 102 yards rushing against Green Bay, which actually HELPED the Redskins greatly because it ensured the Dallas Cowboys of home field advantage throughout the playoffs – which in turn means that we won’t face their starters when they come to D.C. next week. OK. Did you get all that? Whatever. The upside is, rooting against Dallas next week will not be an empty-calorie affair.

In fairness, Tarvaris Jackson did have a long sustained period of professional competence last night. Luckily it all transpired after the Vikings were 22 points in the hole after Jackson’s two interceptions set up two short field opportunities for the Washington offense. Washington’s winning streak has mainly been paced by a streak of well-played games from the offensive line – all those guys pressed into battle due to injury, like former Terp Stephon Heyer, are coming into their own at the right time. While they did give up two sacks last night, the protection afforded Todd Collins was often quite good, and Collins made the most of it, hitting on 22 of 27 passes for two touchdowns and an 8.8 pass average. The line wore down the Vikings over time, letting Clinton Portis – who did a little of everything last night – run longer and stronger as the game went on.

Yet there was an unnerving sense in the second half that the Vikings were going to take over the game. Having cut the lead to eleven in the fourth quarter, the Vikings were desperate trying to stop the Redskins offense when their defense received a gift-wrapped opportunity in the form of a fumbled snap. At the time, Washington was trying to get a play off quickly so that they could forestall a potential Vikings challenge of a Santana Moss sideline catch. It looked for a moment like Washington was going to get hoisted on its own petard, but thanks to a shrewd eye on the sidelines, it was the Vikings that ended up looking petarded. Catching them with twelve players on the field, Gibbs challenged the call and got the Vikings fumble recovery reversed. This caused Viking coach Brad Childress to dance around in pissypants rage as Clinton Portis notched the icing touchdown.

So, crazily, improbably, Washington finds itself with the inside track to the sixth playoff spot. All they have to do is win at home against whoever the Cowboys choose to dress for the game next week. Granted, it’s no gimme, but seeing as how Terrell Owens basically single-handedly beat us the last time we played, Washington’s chances for postseason play are suddenly, somehow, surprisingly decent. Win next week, and we can definitely kick off the A-Hole Patriots Ran Up The Score On Us Revenge Tour of 2008. Why not, right?

With nothing left to do but go for broke, the Washington Redskins kept their playoff hopes alive for the second week in a row by beating their division rivals from New York 22-10 in the frigid Meadowlands last night. It was the type of win fans have hoped for throughout the past month in a half: a solid game from Portis, truly stout play from the offensive line, and, most importantly, a held lead.

Early on, it looked like the game might turn into a private battle between Eli Manning and Todd Collins to see how many incomplete passes each could throw. Collins missed on his first eight throws, but managed to thaw himself out as time went on to give the offense just enough of a passing game. Manning had the worst of it as the game wore on, ultimately throwing 34 incomplete passes. Not that the blame was Manning's entirely. By the end of the game, he seemed to running out of receivers (an injury to Jeremy Shockey - a broken fibula that will require surgery - being the worst).

Those receivers that remained upright suffered from a game-long case of the dropsies. Most of the reports today say that Manning's corps dropped eight passes last night. I think they're being statistically charitable, but, heck, that might be simply because so many of the drops were egregious unforced errors. Brandon Jacobs seemed to be the primary offender last night - he ran quite well (130 yards on 25 carries), but as a receiver, Eli would have been better off throwing to a bronze statue of Jacobs.

Still, Manning seems to play his best ball while under duress, and for a while in the second half, he went on one of those jags where he seemed to be finding everybody open. He went 6-9 during the third quarter, got his team into the end zone, and, with two nice gains on consecutive first downs, had his team rolling toward the red zone to start the fourth quarter. But right as the flashbacks to the previous game against the Giants started to rear up in the mind's eye, the defense stiffened to force the field goal try, which kicker Lawrence Tynes ended up missing.

Even though thirteen minutes remained to play, it felt like Washington had managed to weather the worst the Giants had to offer, and the score, happily, stood the rest of the way.

Washington now finds itself back at .500, and staring at an opportunity to control some of their own playoff destiny. Next week, Washington heads to Minnesota, the team that now stands directly in their way for the final wild card position, and they'll be no worse than one game behind them. If they take the win and the head-to-head tiebreak, they'll actually find themselves on decent footing for the postseason. Too bad Dallas lost yesterday! If the Cowboys can get a game ahead of the Packers again, they might be inclined to rest their starters when they come to D.C. in the final week of the season.

Obviously, Redskins fans should feel free to root for the Chicago Bears tonight, though I understand that the Bears will be starting Kyle Orton at quarterback, so, like they say, your mileage will vary.

Well, so much for inspiration. The Washington Redskins pulled out all the stops to honor their teammate Sean Taylor yesterday. There were special patches, a moment of silence — the defense even took the field in a “missing man” formation (which history will remember as a 22-yard gain for the Bills). The inflamed passions failed to translate into quality gameplay, and Washington found themselves coming undone for many of the same reasons they’ve done so over the course of a disappointing season. Oh, and then, Washington somehow managed to find a way to lose that was more humiliating and inane than one could have possibly imagined.

With seven seconds to play in the game, Buffalo’s Rian Lindell took the field to take a game-winning 51-yard field goal try. Which, he made. But the play didn’t count because Joe Gibbs called one of those last-second timeouts that seem to be the obsession of head coaches this season (and which are, ENTIRELY, bush league – the league needs to put an end to this practice with all deliberate haste). Lindell looked money from 51 on his first attempt, but, heck — a sliver of slim hope remained that he’d miss his second attempt.

But that’s when Gibbs inexplicably called a second consecutive timeout, which is “illegal” where league rules are concerned, and which drew an immediate fifteen-yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct. And if Lindell was good from 51, he was golden from 36. Game over, cue the stunned silence.

Football is a team sport, and the team’s bad tendencies revealed themselves at the worst possible times. The offense continued their tradition of stretching the action downfield only to seize up in the red zone. They found yet another way not to convert a critical short-yardage down, this time on a false start penalty. And where playoff teams find a way to grind out the clock when they take possession with six minutes remaining — and half-decent teams find a way to do so with three minutes remaining — the Skins did neither. But fourth quarter three-and-outs for a team ostensibly built to power-run have become a mainstay this season.

Nevertheless, Gibbs’ second timeout was the mistake that will leave the most indelible mark on this game. Since returning to the league, Gibbs has written for himself a tidy history of clock-management errors. This is especially galling considering the fact that he’s got a well-paid offensive coordinator and a similarly compensated defensive coordinator backing him up. You’d think that he wouldn’t have that much else to do other than know what the league rules are and how much time is on the clock. But yesterday’s mental meltdown is a new low, especially since the result of the decisions served only to turn a loss into an embarrassing loss. Minutes after the game ended, I got an email asking, “So. Do you think Gibbs has jumped the shark?” I’ll say this: don’t be surprised if the next time you notice a “missing man,” the empty space will be on the sidelines.

Washington is nevertheless not yet mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. But they find themselves toward the hind end of an eight team scrum for the final wild card spot. Even if Washington manages to win out from here (and there’s absolutely no good reason to think they will: a short week of preparation for Thursday night’s game against the Bears has only been made shorter by Sean Taylor’s Miami funeral this morning), we can't be sure the rest of the field, battling each other, can post enough total losses to help the Redskins out. There is, perhaps, a needle the team can thread to make it to the postseason, but their story seems to have been written with yesterday’s loss. And having failed to carry heady symbolism to an important win, they’ll play out a string of games that will be, for all intents and purposes, largely symbolic.

Yesterday, I found it difficult to write about Washington's loss over the weekend to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. It had nothing to do with the play on the field, which amounted to a carbon copy of the previous week's loss. Jason Campbell strove mightily to lead the team past their mistakes, only to be done in by mistakes of his own. A game changing moment came when the offense failed to obtain some badly needed short yardage in the shadows of their opponent's goal line--something that had already happened twice before this season. And a golden opportunity to improve their playoff standing, offered up by losses over the long weekend from Detroit, New York, and Arizona, was missed.

Obviously, what made even thinking about this stuff yesterday was the fact that Redskins safety Sean Taylor lay in a Florida hospital with a grievous wound to his femoral artery, a wound which proved mortal overnight.

Let's get on with the clumsily written part of this, then.

By all accounts, Taylor came into the league a troubled guy, but with the mentorship of defensive coach Gregg Williams -- who took Taylor in as he would a family member -- and the friendship of several close teammates, he had begun to turn himself around. According to what little has been written about Taylor's personal life, the birth of his daughter seemed to catalyze a desire to get on the path to redemption and responsibility. Earlier this year, Taylor remarked that he was getting paid "a king's ransom to play a kid's game" - a phrase that he did not coin but made significant strides to try to live by. Unfortunately, he leaves that life unfinished.

So, it's easy to sum up a game, hard to sum up a life. This is as it should be. And similarly, some degree of perspective should be sought, as Sean Taylor is just one of many who lost their lives to violent crime in the past 24 hours. There's a certain degree of fatuousness involved when a celebrity athlete's tragedy is held out for special attention against the many others whose relatively anonymous lives ended the same way. And, certainly, the cynical among us will read the statement of Taylor's lawyer Richard Sharpstein, “It’s just a sad senseless useless tragedy, an example of the incessant violence in this town and every other town in America,” as self-serving. But it's nevertheless true.

Washington will play Buffalo this weekend at FedEx Field. The team will likely come to the game fueled by an inspiration they'll wish they didn't have, and, win or lose, the game will be remembered for reasons they'd like to forget. At 5-6, this game is, at least on paper, a "must-win." But, really: let's not call it that.

A day after Washington’s loss to…yes—hated rivals, the Dallas Cowboys, I find myself indulging in that oft-snarked out tendency of Redskins fans: the telling of sweet little lies. At least we didn’t get run out of the stadium, as we did against the Patriots. At least we didn’t collapse stupidly, like we did against the Eagles. At least the team we struggled with was a quality team (insofar as anything the NFC produces this year can be termed “quality”), and not a woeful also-ran like the New York Jets. And, yeah, while I pretty much believe the right call was probably made, I find myself wondering if, indeed, the replays we saw of Rocky McIntosh’s interception actually provided “indisputable visual evidence” of an incompletion. Had the play stood, I tell myself, there would have been a different result.

But, a loss is a loss, and now Washington finds themselves the peer of the Arizona Goddamn Cardinals.

Ultimately, the game hinged on our inability to cover Terrell Owens when it mattered. Owens had a great day against us—eight catches, 173 yards, and four scores, each longer than the last. Strangely, I find myself willing to forgive the coverage breakdown that led to his third score, that was just great scouting of our defensive tendencies. It’s likely Dallas offensive coordinator Jason Garrett was waiting for the opportunity to run that play; Owen’s square in feint suckered the linebacker and froze the backside safety just the way Garrett thought it would, resulting in a touchdown in which Washington’s defenders seemed to just allow T.O. to get open. I’m less forgiving of the fourth score: I understand why Springs released Owens to the safety on the sidelines – but, jeez…the guy has already burned you for 21 points—could you stick with him for just a few more seconds?

If there’s a positive to be wrung from the defeat, it was the play of Jason Campbell. The Savior had his best day yet in the burgundy-and-gold, and with the running game all but shut down, found ways to get vertical. He’ll be remembered for his interception that all but ended our hopes of winning the game, but from a career trajectory standpoint, Campbell is making the sorts of game-to-game gains that you hope a young QB makes.

Of course, therein lies the rub: as some astute commenters have pointed out in recent weeks, Washington’s chief dysfunction is in the front office. With the lack of focused general management, Washington has had a historical problem balancing the needs of the future with the wants of the Now. And, amid all the sweet little lies I’m telling myself today, a nagging worry remains: my feeling is that if Washington cannot make the playoffs this year, we could be due for another one of those debilitating Dan Snyder system-wide reboots. And this time, the cost could be high: it could stop an emerging, maturing quarterback in his tracks.

Washington’s next game will likely decide its future. They’ll travel to Tampa to face the Buccaneers, who are currently a game ahead of Washington in the wild-card race. Win, and you leapfrog a dogged NFC competitor and earn a vital tie-break. Lose, and, well, there goes the last of the room for error.

The Germans have a lot of long words that encompass very difficult concepts. Words like "schadenfreude," "Hubschrauberlandeplatz," and "Verantwortungszuständigkeiten." I don't know if they have word for the frustration you feel when you've thought that your team had already managed to overcome the mistake you thought was going to cost them the game -- like a fourth-quarter Ladell Betts fumble -- only to discover that the relief-shattering error that was going to lead to a horrible loss was laying in wait a few minutes later, but whatever I was yelling at the teevee would be a great place to start, etymologically speaking.

Two things that playoff caliber teams do is win their home games and win their division games. Something else playoff caliber teams do? Score from the goal line. And for the second straight home division game, the failure was the same, an inability to get a touchdown once they got down to within sniffing distance. The Skins had seven chances inside the seven yard line to score a game-icing touchdown and came up with only a Scott Suisham field goal for their trouble. That left the door open for a Philadelphia comeback, which the Eagles accomplished on their very next drive, when Bryan Brian Westbrook went on a 57-yard screen pass scamper for the go-ahead score.

It was a terrible, and all too abrupt, way for the game to conclude, especially since the action before provided ample evidence that the Redskins were well on the way to solving many of their problems. A second-straight 100-yard rushing game from Clinton Portis seemed to provide the team with some identity. Jason Campbell played with poise and passed with accuracy, getting the ball to the wide receivers and passing for three touchdowns. The defense played some stifling football, frequently exposing Donovan McNabb as not being the accurate passer he once was.

None of it ended up mattering, and aside from a good day from the Savior, the Redskins' inability to score ended up wasting a fantastic day from James Thrash, who scored two touches and made great plays with and without the ball. In fact, based upon the ill-prepared defense Philadelphia was deploying on third-and-goal from the two-yard line, Thrash looked like he was about to run free into the near side of the end zone. But for Chris Cooley's false start flinch, Thrash might have ended up delighting the seven or so fantasy football owners that started him on Sunday.

Ultimately, Washington's inability to punch in some touchdowns at home against divisional foes are going to loom large. To be 7-2 or 6-3 at this juncture in the NFC, would place you in position for a playoff berth. At 5-4, Washington finds themselves in the murky middle of the conference, only a game ahead of the conference's mediocre teams. Fortunately for us, the Giants and Lions, who remain a game ahead of us in the wild-card race, both lost today. They'll have a tough task ahead of them, however, as they travel to Irving, Texas to take on the division leading Cowboys. Better brush up your German.

I know things have been quiet… silent… tumble weedy around here lately. I won’t give you boring excuses as to why, but it being Christmas and all, and because so many of you have written asking me to post a Christmas playlist, and because flattery will get you everywhere, here is the 2011 Pinna Storm Christmas Party! Stop by, have some nog and pop under the mistletoe with the cute guy in the holiday tie. No, I totally don’t already have this, this is great, thank you so much!!

High Places, Purity Ring, Doldrums and DJ Mark Brown played the Soft House in Baltimore on Thursday, November 10.

High Places are touring to support their new album, Original Colors, which is amazing. It’s already in heavy rotation over here.

Purity Ring only have a few songs out right now that you can find around the web, but they are well worth checking out. Their sound is so beautifully polished.

Doldrums is on tour with fellow Canadians Purity Ring. He has the energy of a whirling dervish, twiddling knobs in his suitcase while singing and dancing.

DJ Mark Brown is the best.

For upcoming house shows at the Soft House and more in Baltimore, check out Show Space. For more photos by Jen, check out her website.

Raekwon Feat. Capone-N-Noreaga “Chupacabra”

Emotionally speaking, this is a difficult rap to factcheck. I grew up on the crime side, the New York Times side, where Rae & CNN were no jive. Plus after all of the bitter breakups-2-makeups of CNN, it’s great to see the two great Queens rappers on the same track again.

But they need lessons in the war on terrorism.

First, we can barely — but just barely — give N.O.R.E. a pass on this claim:

I know the Taliban/ Afghanistan, Pakistan

Noreaga doesn’t know the Taliban, in either country, any more than Rick Ross knows the real Noriega. And as much as Ross took heat for that claim, to blast N.O.R.E for this would be to concede that the GZA doesn’t have a man Mohammed from Afghanistan who grew up in Iran, runs a neighborhood newsstand, and put bombs in bottles of champagne. And I’m not prepared to give that up.

This, however… Sorry, N.O.R.E.:

Then 28 days later/ al-Qaeda Noreaga/ killers from Haiti to Grenada

Yes, people, I get it. It’s a metaphor. N.O.R.E. didn’t really join al-Qaeda — he’s a New Yorker, after all.

But in order to work, the metaphor requires plausibility. al-Qaeda has no presence of any note in Haiti, Grenada, or anywhere in the Caribbean/Latin American region. Had N.O.R.E. gone in like, “28 days later/ I splatter yuh/ al-Qaeda Noreaga damage yuh/ killers from Kunar to Mirin Shah” then it’d be fine.

Noreaga, I love you, and you’re on a hot track. Next time you talk terrorism, though, consult your man al-Qaeda Jada.

Hello, pumpkins! It has been far, far too long. You may have noticed that Pinna Storm went on a bit of a sebatical. So uh, October happened! There was baseball and Kim & Thurston breaking up and candy and costumes and something about Google Reader that’s broken the spirits of half of my Twitter feed and about 37 new Beyonce videos. So, here we are now in November! And here are your afternoon links.

• Shawn Stockman from Boyz II Men: Dismemberment Plan fan!
• In terrible but not terribly surprising news, Odd Future goes from being theoretically violent and terrible to being actually violent and terrible by physically assaulting a group of photographers and one woman in particular. This will probably be the last time anybody in that group gets mentioned on this blog.
• Amanda Palmer, Stephin Merritt, Neil Gaiman, Moby and Rocky Horror. Oh yes.
• This handy new tumblr, SpotiFYI, points out what’s new and cool on Spotify.
• New videos! From tabi Bonney and The Kills. And a lovely new song from Cloud Nothings.
• So have you heard the Lykke Li cover of “Unchained Melody” yet? Cause you should.

Pony Island is a bi-weekly radio show on Radio CPR, 97.5 every 1st, 3rd and 5th Wednesday from 6 to 7 p.m.

The ladies of Pony Island welcome their second male guest to the show, the most excellent MC Werewolf. When pressed on the origin of his DJ name, the truth came out: MC stands for “Mid-Change.” The DJ was sporting such a healthy beard in his teen years that he gave his peers Teen Wolf vibes.

Pony Island: 5 Oct with MC Werewolf by Pony Island

MC Werewolf brings songs to get the party started and some older punk jams. Young Coconut brings vibrantly dreamy tracks including the lovely first official release from Awesome Tapes from Africa.  DJ Bottlerocket has lots of news you can use about the library and a hot jam that had all the DJs dancing in the studio.

DJ Peanut is back from her short hiatus when she returns with SO MANY JAMS on the next episode.

Upcoming shows:

10/6 – Screaming Females, The Underground Railroad to Candyland
@ Black Cat Backstage $10adv/$12 door 8pm

10/7 – Benefit for Life Pieces to Masterpieces w/ Laughing Man + Trophy Wife
@ Ras 8pm

10/8 – The Cheniers, Lame Drivers, Polyps
@ The Cherch 8pm

10/12 Future Islands CD release party. w/ Extreme Animals, DJ Mark Brown and a DJ set from Dan Deacon.
@ The Depot (BALTIMORE)

10/20 – Chris Bathgate (MI), Small Sur
@ The Dollhouse 7:30pm $5

For more upcoming shows at houses, small venues and other spaces in D.C., check out In Yr Basement.

Pony Island returns in two weeks with DJ Bottlerocket, DJ Peanut and Young Coconut. To listen to and download archived Pony Island shows, check their blog.

This weather is just the pits. I know, I know, it’s not news. But it’s really bringin me down. And this thundery, extremely wet morning we’re all staring at wondering when we should dash outside and go through to work? JUST THE BEGINNING!

So, concerned that you might be feeling the same way, I thought I’d share a few songs with you. Sunday night I finally saw The Rapture and oh my god damn was it fantastic. What a tremendously tight, talented band. Luke Jenner’s vocals are a national treasure. He goes right up to the yodeling line and takes a flying punk rock leap over it. And since then I’ve basically been mainlining The Rapture to ease the pain of this piss poor weather. The new album, In the Grace of Your Love is damn good. A bit of a movement from their earlier stuff, but it sits alongside the percussion and cowbell bangers you know and love very well. At any rate, if their tour lands anywhere near you, go. Just go. You’re gonna love it. Even if you have to stay out way later on a school night than your old lady instincts tell you you should.

(Oh and also, you should watch Misfits, the show featured in that last video. The Rapture’s “Echoes” is the theme and it is a really good show: a bunch of sexy British 20 something fuck ups get super powers but don’t become super heroes. It’s great.)

So, R.E.M. broke up. It’s not a band I ever particularly loved or had much feeling about. “(Don’t Go Back To) Rockville” is a good song. So is “Night Swimming.” “Everybody Hurts” soundtracked Angela Chase and “Losing My Religion” soundtracked a breakup I was really excited about because I was always a Dylan & Kelly girl. A lot of other folks have much lengthier and more meaningful thoughts on the band. Here are a few:

• The band and D.C.
• PopCandy’s favorite covers of R.E.M. songs.
• Kyle Gustafson on “R.E.M. and the crucial role they played in my musical development.”
• Because of the breakup, a Congressman has a sad.

OK, that’s all we have to say about R.E.M. Now on to the other stuff!

• BYT interviews The Rapture ahead of their stop at U St Music Hall this Sunday. You should definitely listen to their new album, because it is damn good.
• Modern Man, The State Department and Shark Week play DC9 this Saturday. Here’s a video for Modern Man’s “Big Big Heartbeat,” filmed at their last local show at the Black Cat.
• Nevermind just turned 20. NPR talks to Damien Jurado about Nirvana’s “Something In The Way.”
• The first time I heard 808s and Heartbreaks I thought, I don’t know if I think this is a very good album, but I am very sure that it is an important album. It’s an argument I’ve trotted out countless times but never really written down. Well, somebody else did that for me.
• A new album from Guided By Voices’ original lineup, coming this January.
• This song, “Letter to a Friend” by Pregnant, is pretty good. The video creeps me out, though.

• Hello! Since last we met, far far too long ago, I’ve saved up a ton of musicy links for you, and made some new Afternoon Showers art work to celebrate certain wonderful TV winning awards last night, and to celebrate the fact that it’s football season and my team won yesterday. And thus, my world feels basically perfect right now. Oh, you guys don’t come here to hear about Tim Riggins or the Skins? On to the music, then.
• Bruce Hornsby, Tupac & Chuck Robb.
• Did you enjoy our Wild Flag listening party last week? You’ll probably enjoy this playlist of country duets from the band’s Rebecca Cole even more.
• Radiohead are taking some state-side stages in the near future, including Colbert’s and SNL’s.
• 15 previously unreleased Neutral Milk Hotel songs! I repeat, 15 previously unreleased Neutral Milk Hotel songs! Streaming now, and soon available in a vinyl-only release.
• Childish Gambino/Community/Donald Glover in general fans: there’s a new CG single.
• Did you see Christian Bale lurking around SXSW and wonder what was going on? Here’s your answer.
• The Raincoats — yes, you read that right. Those Raincoats. — played at Comet Ping Pong this weekend and music nerds rejoiced/got really sleepy.
• Doctor Rosen Rosen’s new EP Girls is streaming/available for DL and you should give it a listen.
• Quoth a friend, “This Wilco album sounds like a Wilco album.”
• Take a peek at Yuck playing “Milkshake” at Room 205.
• This is old but new to me: Phil Collins shares some breakup song advice. That’s always relevant, right? Somebody somewhere is always breaking up. Listen to Phil. Make hay of your pain.
• “Thinking About You and Cowboys-and-Indians Revenge Fantasies and Meteors and Witch Doctors and Magical Gemstones and Also Maybe Time Travel.”
• And finally, J.Lo’s new video is a delightful little J.Lo movie. If you enjoy the Sandra Bullock/Tate Donovan hit Love Potion No. 9, incredible gams & abs or fits of choreography in the street, then you’ll love it.

Last Saturday, Lower Dens played a sweet show at the Soft House in Baltimore. Joined by original guitarist Will Adams, the band treated an intimate crowd to a “hometown” set. The band played a handful of new songs, including one they debuted in Baltimore in which Jana Hunter set down her guitar and just sang for us. I love this band so much and this was by far one of their best shows I’ve seen yet. The new material slays.

Speaker, a new dark synth pop project from Lexie Mountain and Shana Palmer, opened the show. (They were added to the bill after car trouble stuck Matteah Baim in New York.) They were followed by local folk favorites Small Sur, who played a warm and moving set to an attentive crowd who sat at their feet.

All around, it was a night of great music and mellow vibes. Lower Dens tweeted after the show that the Soft House has the “best shows in Bmore right now.” To find out more about upcoming shows at the Soft House, you can follow them here.

Pony Island is a bi-weekly radio show on Radio CPR, 97.5 every 1st, 3rd and 5th Wednesday from 6 to 7 p.m.

The ladies of Pony Island are giving you podcasts in double doses this summer and we’ve got the two latest here.

Pony Island: August 31 with DJ Casserole by Pony Island

DJ Casserole, a true mid west diva, brings the last of her beach jams out for a sunny set. Warm California vibes fill this podcast, which features DJ Peanut revisiting old faves and Young Coconut playing recent favorites for the dance floor. Fun fact: that is DJ Casserole’s very own mini-pony pictured above, coincidently also named Peanut!

Pony Island: Sept 7 with DJ Fast Fashion by Pony Island

DJ Fast Fashion, one of the many ladies in DC that make the music scene so vibrant and fun, joins DJ Bottlerocket and Young Coconut in the studio to talk about upcoming shows and primates.

Have you seen this video of Grass Widow playing to the gorillas at the zoo? Must see.

Have you seen this other video of monkeys who grew up in captivity seeing the outside world for the first time?

Revel in your freedom while you listen to DJ Fast Fashion’s tight playlist.

For details on all the upcoming  shows discussed in these episodes of Pony Island and more upcoming shows at houses, small venues and other spaces in D.C., check out In Yr Basement.

Pony Island returns September 21 with DJ Bottlerocket, DJ Peanut and Young Coconut. To listen to and download archived Pony Island shows, check their blog.

by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

With the election over, here are The Guardian's Ana Marie Cox and Huffington Post political reporter Jason Linkins to sift through the latest photos from the White House's Flickr feed and help us anticipate what the Obama second term might have in store (spoiler: great jackets, Joe Biden hugs).

Jason: I was gonna start by pointing out that if there's one picture that encapsulates why we have gotten four more years of scrutinizing the Obama/Biden/Souza administration, it's this one.

Ana Marie: Oh. My. God.

Jason: This is like, the purest distillation of the Romney campaign.

Ana Marie: Mitt waving at people through a chain-link fence.

Jason: It's the last picture uploaded to the campaign tumblr. "There's barbed wire between me and these 'supporters,' right?"

Ana Marie: "Thank you for self-deporting! Sure wish I was a Latino!"

Jason: "THIS IS WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO WIN."

Ana Marie: "Unskew this fence!"

Jason: I am sure that, in the Romney administration, during times of great distress, the people would be allowed inside the fence, temporarily, as with traditional medieval liege-serf arrangements. "These are the people that mill my wheat! We must protect them from the bears!"

Ana Marie:: Not factored into Nate Silver's algorithms: Number of people gathered in parking garages. THEY WERE NOT POLLED. Largely because they were in parking garages, for some reason.

Ana Marie: I feel like we could spend all day on this photo and not exhaust the comic possibilities.

Jason: For real! I mean, it is reported here that Mitt Romney experienced "emotion." The robot boy had finally learned to feel.

Jason: President Barack Obama hosts mendicant Mitt Romney in the Oval Office.

Ana Marie: The hand Obama has in his pocket is giving Romney the finger.

Jason: Did you see the lunch menu? It was, essentially, Thanksgiving leftovers.

Ana Marie: Oh, I think Romney approved of using leftovers. He's notoriously thrifty! I bet he asked for a doggie bag.

Ana Marie: And then Obama was all, "Better not forget it on the roof of your car!"

[…]

Ana Marie: I wish there was anything I could read into Mitt Romney's face in that picture besides {{subroutine HANDSHAKE}}

Jason: This is a scene from the Fiscal Cliff Speed Dating sessions, in this case, meeting with "business leaders." "The group includes Frank Blake of The Home Depot, Lloyd Blankfein of Goldman Sachs Group, Joe Echeverria of Deloitte, Muhtar Kent of Coca-Cola and Marissa Mayer of Yahoo."

Ana Marie: You know, regular folks.

Jason: Lloyd Blankfein is short for "middle class."

Ana Marie: It's just like actual speed dating—you feel awkward and lie about staying in touc—but there's more casual sex.

Ana Marie: I think here's a chance to peek inside the Mind of Joe Biden.

Jason: Yes, he seems to be distracted by something. Maybe he's a bit adrift at the moment, because no one is hugging him?

Ana Marie: He's plotting his next hug. "If I was president, shaking hands would just be for Bo. Hugs, man. Hugs are where it's at."

Jason: Best Vice President in the history of America.

Ana Marie: Obama already gave him that award. He changed the wording on a Microsoft Office template and added some smiley face stickers.

Ana Marie: Nothing really to say about this one except that is a super-fly leather jacket.

Jason: Oregon State gets to hang out with POTUS because his brother-in-law is their coach. All other college basketball teams have to win national championships.

Ana Marie: That's good… but also that's a dope jacket.

Jason: Yeah, that's got swag. Maybe the "mom-jeans" presidency is over?

Ana Marie: Second-term Obama: Skinnier jeans, bigger balls.

Jason: It looks like we have a triptych of "Obama manages the Middle East crisis by phone: A study in body language." "Mohammed. I know this running a whole country thing is hard. I know. Mohammed, stop panting."

Ana Marie: "Calm the fuck down. Calm. The. Fuck. Down."

Jason: "Mohammed, is it okay if I put you on speakerphone? And could you try not deflate everyone in the room?"

Ana Marie: "Use your 'inside voice.' We're not in the middle of a public square."

Jason: "No, no, no, Mohammed, I don't want you calling Thomas Friedman for advice."

Ana Marie: Covers mouthpiece with hand, whispers to the room: "I'm leader of the free world and I can't get one lousy Times columnist fired. Jack, get on that! Ugh. Jesus." Rolls eyes.

Jason: "Okay, guys, here's the deal. We're sending Hillary to the Middle East to get those assholes sorted. All I ask from the rest of you is that you get through the week without fucking your biographers. Christ."

Ana Marie: For some reason, "You're gonna get hop-ons" just popped into my head with that one. "Obama offers Clinton advice on her upcoming trip. 'Watch out for hop-ons. You're gonna get hop-ons.'"

Ana Marie: Ironically, this is also how Obama looked during most of the Middle East negotiations. "Everyone resisted the urge to talk about how Romney was a better flip-flopper than the whole team combined."

Jason: Somewhere, someone is writing the dissertation about how Obama's pop-cultural awareness was a tremendous asset to his campaign, right?

Ana Marie: Mr. President: All our meme belong to you.

Previously: Obama And Romney's Flickr-War For Your Love (And Vote)

by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

With the election tomorrow, the Annotated White House Flickr Feed takes one last fond look at the campaign photos streaming out from Election 2012. Here to make sense of the images are The Guardian's Ana Marie Cox and Huffington Post political reporter Jason Linkins. This week's important discoveries: The Romney team's love affair with Instagram is flourishing; Paul Ryan may have a good reason for always wearing that windbreaker; if Barack's going out, he's going out his way; and meet Joe Biden, HUG MACHINE.

ANA MARIE: This looks really apocalyptic to me, for some reason.

JASON: Ahh, yes, Red Rocks, where the white people would more typically be found seeing Dave Matthews.

ANA MARIE: They did some serious Hipstamaticking or Instawhatevering to these. YET THEY ARE STILL OUT OF FOCUS.

JASON: Definitely point the camera right into the light source. I tell you what, the Romney campaign is a fundamental rejection of the Pete Souza administration.

ANA MARIE Grainy, fake-old and out of focus. There are so many metaphors for the Romney campaign available here.

ANA MARIE: And then, after some attempts to make pictures that don't hurt the eyes, we're back to the patented Romney Crowd Shots, otherwise known as Visual Ambien.

JASON: The Red Rocks shot was at least impressive. Huge crowd, verging on, you know… DECEMBERISTS level. Now we just have the backs of people's heads in a gym. And who is that talking? That might just be one of the people in the crowd, commandeering the stage to make sure the pizza order is correct.

ANA MARIE: I bet the favorite pizza of a Romney crowd is cheese.

ANA MARIE: Look, more back-of-peoples-heads. It's harder to tell exactly how white they are from the back, I guess?

JASON: "Pennsylvanians stand in front of random wall."

JASON: There's a lot of code-switching going on in that picture.

ANA MARIE: I dunno, I thought Village of the Damned, kinda.

JASON: I actually wonder if that is a shot of some dad, showing off his son's "Romney supporter" costume. "Isn't this hilarious! He's like a post-modern Alex P. Keaton! (Drink your lattes, kids, before they get cold.)"

ANA MARIE: I think they're probably homeschooled and they don't realize that somewhere there's a whole high-school dance filled with girls going as "sexy unicorns" or something.

ANA MARIE: I can't believe how many shots of the backs of people's heads there are in the world.

JASON: It's too bad that the Romney photographer isn't taking advantage of the "backs of people's heads" tag, because who knows how many voters they'd reach.

JASON: This is another one of those shots that looks like a weird photocollage. Why is EVERYTHING IN THE SHOT POPPING?

ANA MARIE: Over-saturated and undecipherable. I'm voting for the blur!

JASON: I really like what the guy standing dead center on the stage whose head looks like it is about to go supernova is saying about a "real recovery."

ANA MARIE: I would like to point out that it wouldn't be in the Romney Flickr stream if it didn't also contain a healthy representation of the backs of people's heads.

JASON: No, that is… unavoidable at this point.

ANA MARIE: And, oh God, I'm sorry, but honestly I saw this and the first thing I thought was "trucknutz."

JASON: NEVER BE SORRY ABOUT THE TRUCKNUTZ.

ANA MARIE: OH, AND BACKS OF HEADS! HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN WHEN YOU'RE TAKING A PICTURE *FROM THE STAGE*??? I mean, it's not just the Secret Service people. I guess maybe Romney's Making an Entrance.

JASON: These past two pictures, I do not even know what time of day the shots were taken. The daylight shot looks drenched in flash, somehow. This shot, I can't tell if it's day or night. This is like a guy who wants to do ALL THE STUFF in Instagram. They have a light flare, a filter, a tilt shift aimed at nothing in particular…

ANA MARIE: ALL THE FILTERS, all of them. But there is no filter for Souza.

JASON: "This photo was taken on October 12, 2012 in Whites, Lancaster, OH, US." Now THAT I believe.

ANA MARIE: Seriously, now. How long can we go on, cataloging the fact that the Romney Flickr stream is just PACKED with pictures of the backs of people's heads?

JASON: Well, at least in this one, they have a big building to randomly shoot. But again, what it the POINT OF THIS PHOTO? Some people talked, and there were other people—here they are from the neck up. And wow, look at this building! It's neat to see buildings! Meanwhile the only way I can tell that is Romney talking is because I know that's Paul Ryan standing next to him, and I know that's Paul Ryan because he is wearing the ONE GODDAMNED WINDBREAKER HE OWNS, and now, I guess I know why he wears that—so people recognize him in these photographs!

JASON: So, here's one possibility, folks. America's comeback team. Romney looking one way, Ryan looking the other. Still don't know, actually, if they see eye to eye on everything.

ANA MARIE: The world's unhappiest conjoined twins.

JASON: Hey, Paul, if you lose, you get to go back to being yourself again… so upside!

ANA MARIE: Paul, in his head: "Can finally take off this fucking windbreaker and get back to work on my abs." Okay, on to the Organizing For America Feed!

ANA MARIE: And with the first one we are confronted with the sad reality that OFA chose to use some of its precious campaign funds to hire a professional photographer. I mean, i don't know who else looks at these things with the level of scrutiny that we do, but I am flattered that OFA thought of my needs. Maybe Ohio has more amateur photographers than you'd think?

JASON: Yeah, okay. Devil's advocate. Maybe all the terrible Romney campaign photos that look like they were taken by UFO cranks represents a very thrifty, cost-effective approach.

ANA MARIE: I mean, yes, the LIGHTS IN THE SKY! aesthetic sort of fits in with the Romney campaign as a whole as well.

JASON: I think if Joe Biden hadn't gotten into politics, he would have been an awesome UFO chaser.

ANA MARIE: And could have taken photos for the Romney campaign. JOB CREATED.

JASON: That is what is happening right now in the "Fringe" universe.

ANA MARIE: And okay, let's accept that the OFA stream has photos that include the backs of people's heads too. But I would also point out that the guy on the stage is in focus, and is also one of the men running for national office.

JASON: Yes, this is shooting backs of heads correctly. My eyes are not drawn to the bald spots of white dudes. (Which is all the better for Joe Biden, when you think about it.)

ANA MARIE: Have we spent enough time with Biden, doing these? I don't think so. He is the most emotional politician this side of Chris Christie. He's the guy with the "free hugs" sign, always, in his eyes.

JASON: Yeah. I think that there are only a few politicians that genuinely like campaigning this long, and still go out looking forward to doing more. Biden is one, and Clinton is another.

ANA MARIE: And Biden is just ferociously un-self-aware. YOU, HEY OUT THE WINDOW, YOU! AND YOU!

ANA MARIE: AND YOU THERE! YOU! HUGS! EVERYONE GETS A HUG!

JASON: Biden realizes that the campaign trail is the parallel universe where people are dying to meet him.

ANA MARIE: See, I think he thinks that all the time. I think he sits in the old executive office building all day, hitting refresh on Facebook, "poking" people. And GIDDY about it! (No one tells him he's not actually connected to the internet.)

ANA MARIE: Back at Wonkette, we relied on baby-eating jokes for pictures like this but I'm worried what Fox might do with that.

JASON: "Obama indoctrinates another young patriot! (P.S. BUY GOLD, and also CATHETERS.)" would be my guess.

ANA MARIE: WTF all the catheter commercials on Fox, right? What they need is GOLD CATHETERS.

JASON: You notice how this picture is not the over-saturated, tilt-shifted, can't tell what time of day or what planet it is type of nonsense we saw from the Romney feed?

ANA MARIE: NO LIGHTS IN THE SKY

JASON: We made so much fun of Souza. My God, we were foolish fools.

JASON: Okay… what is this though?

ANA MARIE: JOE BIDEN IS YOUR GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH.

JASON: Another indie rock album cover… but whose?

ANA MARIE: Oh, I'm thinking Ted Leo, but black and white.

JASON: Oh, that's great! I can't wait to tell him!

ANA MARIE: He is on Twitter. And I think reads The Awl. HI, TED!

JASON: We love you, Ted!

ANA MARIE: Here is Obama being someone who does not talk about trees being the right height.

JASON: Here is Obama being someone who thinks he'll be sticking around. If he's going out, he's going out as optimistically as he can.

ANA MARIE: Trying to avoid something about swagge… but hey, swagger. I have almost forgotten about the mom pants. This is the guy Jay-Z wants to get a call from.

JASON: Yep. Of course, this is also the guy David Brooks wants to get a call from. (But don't do it, Barry!)

ANA MARIE: Adorable glasses. I hope she runs for president someday.

JASON: You know, I don't know if Obama is going to win or lose. But if that kid becomes President, she'll never have to go through all the shit Obama went through. Between birther nonsense and nose-bones and John Sununu and the fact that he's GOT TO BE the one guy in the world who can cap Osama bin Laden's ass and have the more martial faction of the nation totally dismiss it as a hot load of nothing, and still say shit like he "sympathizes with the attackers in Benghazi." Obama took a lot of shots, so that the Presidents of the future—if we get to have a future—won't have to.

ANA MARIE: Well, you totally just undermined my Urkel joke. Thanks.



Previously: Obama And Romney Turn To Instagram In Battle of White House Photo Worthiness

by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

The Annotated White House Flickr Feed continues with another special Election 2012 edition (you'll find the previous installment here). Here are The Guardian's Ana Marie Cox and Huffington Post political reporter Jason Linkins to compare the campaigns. When did the Romney team learn about Instagram? How long till they also hear about "autofocus"? How many windbreakers does Paul Ryan own? And who does John Sununu hate more: Barack Obama or Lena Dunham?

ANA MARIE: So, they're INSTAGRAMMING or something now.

JASON: This image, is like at Ahmadinejad levels of obvious Photoshop fakeness.

ANA MARIE: Sort of like Romney's tan.

JASON: The way they cut up and spread out the interior of this pavilion makes it look IMPOSSIBLE. Like the geometry described by those asylum night watchmen that are always going crazy in H.P. Lovecraft novels.

ANA MARIE: Maybe this is why their tax plan doesn't add up?

JASON: It makes perfect sense to Shub-Niggurath!

ANA MARIE: You have to live in the interdimensions. BEYOND THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS.

ANA MARIE: More INSTAGRAMMING. Welcome to 2009, Mitt Romney campaign.
It looks a little like they're doing a very tentative dance step. Like, "I'm going to try a dip, are you ready to dip? I PROMISE I WON'T DROP YOU. No, really."

JASON: Romney is like, "Wow. That peach cobbler is really going to my head." Turns out the secret ingredient is ecstasy.

ANA MARIE: Instagram lets Romney make photos look like they come from the era he thinks he's campaigning in! You can use all the sepia tint you want, though, these people are still pretty white.

JASON: Honest question: does Paul Ryan not own another windbreaker?

ANA MARIE: THRIFTINESS. Probably owns ten of the same one, though.

JASON: I should have thought of that.

ANA MARIE: Not sure what the joke there is… he's just a grim and merciless motherfucker, no time to shop for things that "different from one another." Has the same view of policy: same Randian hammer for every fucking nail.

ANA MARIE: This just makes me sad. Gives me a sad so hard. And I'm just talking about their hair.

JASON: Yeah, I got that immediately. You don't think puffy vests are going to make a comeback in the Romney administration, do you?

ANA MARIE: Well, with the oceans rising.

JASON: But Romney has such MOMENTUM.

ANA MARIE: He has two of these ladies feeling it!

JASON: Yeah, the David Freed lady is just, "Meh, whatever."

ANA MARIE: Is it a Nevada thing I'm not getting? Mustaches for Mitt?

JASON: It's the Nevada-UNLV football game. The mustaches are associated with the UNLV "Runnin' Rebels."

ANA MARIE: There is something really wrong here but I kind of like it.

ANA MARIE: Oh look, it's the Solid Gold Dancers.

JASON: Those are some of the least R&B people I've ever seen.

ANA MARIE: Someone thought it was important to capture the presence of nuns.

JASON: This image shows a lot of diversity. Because there are some nuns, and there is also a guy with a soul patch.

ANA MARIE: Not a demographic that's going to be swayed by that Lena Dunham video, I'm thinking. By which I mean, not the guy with the soul patch. The nuns may think twice.

JASON: Yeah. Though I think the Lena Dunham video is pitched directly at the obvious "head of your company's HR department" that's checking his iPhone in the argyles. You know, the Romney team still hasn't mastered the idea that crowd shots are best when they capture people actually doing something exciting.

ANA MARIE: Speaking of which…

ANA MARIE: Here are some people praying.

JASON: Oh, that's not prayer! That guy is a hypnotist and in a minute he's gonna wake them all up and they'll think they are giraffes!

And then Romney comes in with his "Are the trees too high? Or are they just the right height?"
It kills.

ANA MARIE: Whatever you do, don't make them think they're black! Because then they'll vote for Obama, which is what black people do. Because they're black.

JASON: I want someone to hypnotize John Sununu into thinking he's black. That would be hysterical. Or Jamie Foxx and John Sununu could star in some Freaky Friday shit.

ANA MARIE: If Sununu was black, now THEN you'd see some voter intimidation. John Sununu thinks the Black Panthers bully white people into voting for Obama because that's what HE would do.

JASON: LOL. John Sununu would be a great white version of Madea.

ANA MARIE: The only way you could make John Sununu more unattractive would be to make him into John Tyler Sununu Perry.

ANA MARIE: This is either S.E. Cupp or Lisa Loeb. Either way, someone left a napkin on the couch.

JASON: Again, Pete Souza is DYING inside, thinking that he could be replaced by whoever is talking these pictures.

ANA MARIE: "Just… focus? Could you learn to focus? I will teach you! Composition can come later!"

JASON: Souza would never allow that napkin to be in the shot.

ANA MARIE: Souza would never allow anything in that picture. That picture would be obscured by blood drawn by Souza's own hand before he'd allow that to be shown to anyone.

ANA MARIE: Pete Souza, CRYING.

JASON: But they were so excited a minute ago?

ANA MARIE: "Let's just watch teevee."

JASON: Romney and that woman are having a "pretend we are in the crowd at a Romney event" contest.

ANA MARIE: I get this "we've been having an affair for so long it's as boring as our marriages" vibe from those pictures.

JASON: Yeah, this is sort of ICE STORMY.

ANA MARIE: Right? Right down to the armchairs.

ANA MARIE: OMG HOSTAGE VIDEO! Seriously, I don't want to make "future spree killer" jokes but FUTURE SPREE KILLER.

JASON: Yeah, I think that guy pretty much lives in a found footage horror movie.

ANA MARIE: "Hello, Paranormal Activity 5 casting? I have found your plot and star for you."

JASON: Let's do some photos from the Obama campaign photostream.

ANA MARIE: I'm going to warn you now: I've paged through these a little and there are quite a few shots of a teary Joe Biden hugging people. Which I imagine is just what every day is like for him, now.

ANA MARIE: This sort of sums up the different approaches the two campaigns seem to be taking to their Flickr feeds. Romney: "PEOPLE ARE EXCITED ABOUT US, REALLY." Obama: "Here's some cool shit. Enjoy."

JASON: Yeah, I think Obama campaign understands that even if they don't win, that doesn't mean they can't provide Jeff Tweedy with some great album covers.

ANA MARIE: Well, if all we get out of an Obama loss is a heart-wrenching new album from The National, at least I'll be able to mourn to a good soundtrack.

JASON: SO TRUE.

ANA MARIE: Man, all the great work the despairing pro-Obama musicians could produce… versus, what, Kid Rock crying?

JASON: This campaign is basically BLOODBUZZ, OHIO.

ANA MARIE: "I still owe money to the money to the money I owe."

JASON: I will be wearing my Bloodbuzz Ohio shirt on election night. There's no better crash years anthem than that.

ANA MARIE: I do sort of love that The National campaigns for Obama, because their stuff really gets people hopeful, right?

JASON: Right! GET PUMPED, HERE'S THE NATIONAL!!!

ANA MARIE: They play music like he's already lost.

JASON: They play music like everyone's already lost.

ANA MARIE: I do love the massive "indie rockers for Obama" movement. Mac McCaughan is basically meeting with Axelrod daily at this point.

JASON: Sadly, I think Obama lost Conor Oberst. Though Oberst is kind of the Buzz Bissinger of indie rock.

ANA MARIE: "Horses and Bayonets" is a clear play for the Decemberists.

ANA MARIE: SO THIS IS HOW HE THROWS DOWN NOW? FOR REAL? In mom pants, like a mom?

JASON: This is another Obama basketball photo that doesn't present his game in the best light. Pretty daring thing to do to a guy who has got aerial combat drones at his beck and call.

ANA MARIE: I suspect campaign/administration coordination. This is Souzian.

JASON: Yep. Reflections. But Souza would have gotten them into a better composition. This would have looked like RESERVOIR DOGS or something.

ANA MARIE: Again, an instructive photo for the Romney campaign. AND THAT GUY, I LIKE that guy…

ANA MARIE: …because here he is again.

JASON: Yes. It's like the secret to this sort of photography is to wait until people are actually doing something to take their picture. And focus the shot, get it in the proper light, remove stray pieces of trash…

ANA MARIE: FOCUS. JUST FUCKING FOCUS. There are cameras that do that automatically now?

ANA MARIE: And THIS is how you do a poignant minority supporter shot, Mitt Romney Campaign. First: he is holding a flag, not a homemade hostage message. Second, there is light in his eyes as opposed to being dead inside.

JASON: Could he be actually eating the flag? It's ambiguous.

ANA MARIE: He, like Lena Dunham, wants America INSIDE HIM.

JASON: Now matter how you look at it, this picture is trolling John Sununu pretty hard.

ANA MARIE: Basically Obama's existence is a massive Sununu troll.

ANA MARIE: Obama seems like he's laughing at private joke of some kind.

JASON: Hopefully it's not about these ladies' "first time." By which I mean "fucking."

ANA MARIE: I was going to go there, too. Hard not to!

JASON: Sex jokes make Erick Erickson cry. Only because he's never properly brought his wife to orgasm.

ANA MARIE: OMG, I loved his tweet about the Dunham ad. What was it? Something about a fallen planet, doomed to fire? I SAW THAT MOVIE.

by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

Here are GQ's Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post's Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to explain the politics. Why are we seeing so much of the back of Obama? What indeed was Rahm planning? What is the deal with Bo? Is Joe Biden still alive?

Gratuitously magical. Hold on to these moments, Obama fans.

Ana Marie: I don't know if this is a metaphor for the mood at the White House or what, but Pete Souza sure is taking a lot of pictures of Obama's back.

Jason: Maybe Pete Souza will write a column for Politico about how frustrated he is with Obama withholding access? "How much money is left in your 'The Obama White House has a messaging problem' budget, VandeHei?"

Ana Marie: Seriously that is a lot of pix of Obama's ass. Ass in mom jeans!

Jason: When Sasha fished her golf ball out of the hole, was John Boehner there, sipping on a Slurpee?

Ana Marie: Tanning on top of an overturned car?

Tell you one thing: Our Special Envoy for Middle East Peace does not seem like he's paid very much attention to…no wonder it's been taking awhile!

"And now, folks, a special treat, as Hillary performs her favorite tunes from 'Anything Goes!'"

"Okay! Middle East Peace Process! Everyone synchronize their watches!"

Ana Marie: There's no way to get around a throws like a girl joke here.

Jason: There's also no way of getting around the fact that Bo could start for the Washington Nationals right now.

If this is how Obama looks before every staff meeting, I would be concerned.

Ana Marie: Ol' Joe Biden, telling that same story about how he was almost president. Again.

Jason: I think Rahm is mulling whether he wants to whip out that Hillary-for-Joe switch plan he's keeping behind his back.

Next: Obama's Secret Notes!

by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

Here are GQ's Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post's Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to explain our Muslim President's hot gay affair with wee yet hot Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, through the joys of the White House's Flickr feed!

Jason: Oh, wow! You realize she's back in Michelle Obama's Kiss And Cry Room! (Previously, on Michelle Obama's Kiss And Cry Room.)
Ana: It actually looks like it may be a very special White House edition of What Not To Wear.

President Obama presides over the world's most boring game of Simon Says.

Obama's like: "You know, in my situation room, we have these wall sized iPads. But we can make due with these corkboards, I guess."

Ana: Poor Mayor of Gulfport, the only guy who wore a tie. I can't help but notice in the luncheon picture that someone did not even touch their hushpuppies.

Jason: It looks like every meal I have ever had on the Outer Banks, minus the joy (and the bourbon).

Ana: Blurry GOP, sad Obama. That's pretty much the narrative for 2012.

Jason: You just did Chuck Todd's work for him.

Ana: Put me on MEET THE PRESS, dammit!

Jason: God, I'd actually look forward to that show, if you were on it.

Orange Beach, Alabama's Tacky Jacks preps for its first "Wet POTUS contest!"

Jason: I despair of the way this White House Flickr page is organized! That Mike McFaul thing we already did is still on the front page!

Ana: YES. Though there is Reverend Falwell!

Jason: I think you mean Billy Graham, though it's an easy mistake to make.

Ana: Yes. Who is now so liver-spotted that he is also biracial.

Jason: Okay, well, now we've captioned that photo, haven't we?

And now, this month in "Obama pensively listening to the world fall apart around him in the Situation Room."

Next: Garth Brooks???

by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

One man stalks our President. His name is Pete Souza. Day and night, he tries to shoot the President, through every opening available. That is what she said, and here are GQ's Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post's Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to explain this man's madness.

Yeah, what this image doesn't capture is the moment DNC chair Tim Kaine tried to slip a twenty into Barack's waistband.

by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

Our President: so busy! So photographed! And here are Air America's Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post's Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to trawl the documentary evidence of our White House in action.

Like much of daily life there, [the Salahi's] visit was recorded and uploaded on the White House Flickr feed, the always-on streaming window into "the people's house," a nickname that has never been more apt than under the current residents. Considering the White House's hulking, media-rich Web site, its Facebook page, photo galleries and podcasts on iTunes, the presidency seems less threatened by the incursion of a reality show than running an administration that is in danger of becoming one. -David Carr in the New York Times.

Um, hey… we think that this notion that the pictures of Pete Souza and friends create some form of transparency, for "the people" is a little mangled. These are staged shots, taken by photographers who hump around the White House grounds, hiding in trees and shooting fruit bowls. This is arty, nature photography-just focused on the White House. Reality is a made thing, and Pete Souza will frame it in a doorway, or the window of an automobile.

Also, we sort of think maybe Carr doesn't know what "streaming" means.

The evil genius of the Obama family is that they look SO NORMAL.

Fuck! Los Lobos? LOU DOBBS WARNED US THIS WOULD HAPPEN!

There's your economic recovery, people! The bridge to… well, it's hard say.

Go ahead, admit it, America: You're thinking about his cock.

Lovemaking was much better in the days before the Stupak amendment.

"You throw me the whip, I give you the idol!"

Ana Marie: Stalking AND framing? This has got to be Pete Souza.
Jason: I feel sorry for Pete Souza.
Ana Marie: Why? Because we make fun of him? Who else knows he EXISTS?
Jason: Because to get this shot, he had to run ahead of them on the lawn, and hide in the trees. Maybe he wore adult diapers in case he needed to pee BUT COULD NOT LEAVE HIS POST? He's like the serial killer in Manhunter. There is no dignity in that.
Ana Marie: Oh, I don't think there's intended to be.

It doesn't matter who you are, if you are framed (in an aesthetic sense!) Pete Souza will find you. And photograph you!

Is that the White House man cave? A refrigerator filled with "Steel Reserve"?

In the event of an earthquake, everyone please assemble quietly at Treasury, and, by all means, STAND UNDER LARGE CHANDELIERS. Especially you, Tim.

Wow, the first draft of the House health care bill WAS really long.

Ana Marie: People tell you there's a photograph out there of Michelle hula-hooping, and you think, no, that's not possible.
Jason: But there is.
Ana Marie: That is the age in which we live.

"Mine. All mine."

Jason: Wait. THAT'S how they display the previous winners of the Nobel Prize? Seriously?
Ana Marie: It sort of looks like the wall of fame at a Rotary Club.
Jason: Totally.
Ana Marie: Right down to the lack of black people.

Ana: GEEKGASM.
Jason: That photo is like a trip inside Jonah Goldberg's brain!!
Ana: Except in that vision, Obama is on the side of the Empire. Fascist.

CODE RED! OBAMA IS ADJACENT TO AN IMAGE OF LINCOLN.

Pete Souza, framing a giant spider. You only get so many chances.

One of the Salahi's earlier, less successful attempts.

Jason: One of Politico's Mike Allen's earlier, less successful attempts.
Ana: Also a very literal interpretation of what it's like to be a Congressional Republican.

Ana Marie: Now that is fucking HEARTWARMING. Just try to make fun of that shit.
Jason: If you say so. The American Enterprise Institute had a whole conference on Obama ceding cultural hegemony to Maeve Beliveau, daughter of Director of Advance Emmett Beliveau.

Ana Marie: I just want to note that someone in that picture is drinking Diet Pepsi. HERETIC.
Also that someone is either Peter Orszag or Jim Jones. I'm guessing Jones. Fucking Republican.

It's weird they decided to do the "Thriller" dance.

Ana Marie: ROBOTS! ROBOTS IN THE WHITE HOUSE!
Jason: Calm down, Matthew Yglesias. Maybe they are just prepping for a debate, Rove-style! That's how they beat John Kerry, you know.

Ana Marie: I think it's funny when a picture of people laughing is captioned as them "sharing a laugh." Because otherwise…?
Jason: It would read: "President Obama awkwardly pretends to get the joke"?
Ana Marie: "Biden pretends not to notice the joke is about him"?
Jason: Oh, I think he knows the joke is about him. He has all those long train trips to figure that out.

And now, this week, in "I FRAMED THIS" by Pete Souza:

DOOR FRAME!

OVAL WINDOW FRAME!

OBAMA: "OH HAI, are you my new call center staff?"
DOODZ: "Not since Tim Geithner's been in charge of the economy!"

Just want to point out that only Katie Johnson is actually working.

I just want to point out that Pete Souza and his fellow photographers have been slaving at this Official White House Photographer beat every day. And it's sad that this is the image they'll be best known for shooting. I mean. What makes a man start fires? THIS KIND OF SHIT.

Seriously. When this idea was conceived, I bet everyone involved thought, "Man! We'll be getting all these iconic shots of Barack Obama, pensive at the Great Wall of China, and it will be awesome. Every day: a little more awesome." And instead, this little Flickr Feed will achieve immortality because it snapped a picture of these fucking gatecrashing wannabe celebutard dipshits. And, Salahis, we live in the same town, so hopefully I'll one day get to say this to your faces. But this Christmastime, you two can just go and eat a massive bag of envenomed dicks. Really. That's from the heart.

The Noodle making demonstration. It's why Nixon went to China in the first place.

"Baby… delicious, delicious Japanese baby."

"Obama wonders if the West Point superintendents' office might look better with a LINCOLN portrait… A Lincoln portrait… yeah…."

"Jeez, Japan…. I haven't felt this awkward since I appointed Hillary."

This looks like a deleted scene from COUPLES RETREAT.

That's what Pete Souza looks like in the anime version of the White House.

And, Mr. President, we thought the one you call "Pete Souza" would enjoy our nation's famous Tiny Corridor of Odd-Shaped Windows.

Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper ratify the North American "Bros Before Hos" treaty at Singapore's most famous disco.

Merry Christmas from your Awl White House Flickr Annotators!

Previously: Obama's Top Secret Message To Fox News

by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

Did you know that our President does lots of things each day? The White House staff photographers knew! And here are Air America's Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post's Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to explain it to us common people.
ANA MARIE: Let's start with this basketball picture.

JASON: I encourage Awl readers to enlarge this image, for truly it contains multitudes.

ANA MARIE: In the first place, please note the lack of powerful women at this basketball game.

JASON: Yes. This basketball game is sexist. Party unity my ass.

ANA MARIE: Because at blacktops and basketball courts across the country, what do you see? Men and women playing pick-up basketball with each other.

JASON: A good day of roundball leads so naturally into some light fornication, at the top of the key.

ANA MARIE: Now, direct your attention all the way to the back of the picture. Next to Obama, that's poor Ken Salazar, without his cowboy hat, made to run the fast break.

JASON: I feel for him.

ANA MARIE: I think his shirt says "Dad!"

JASON: Even still, I feel for him. How can Obama credibly claim to have dismantled the Bush torture regime if he's making Ken Salazar do this?

ANA MARIE: Tim Geithner, there at midcourt.

JASON: He sort of looks useless.

ANA MARIE: And yet he looks like he could be useful! That's his curse.

JASON: Also back there is Arne Duncan, who I thought was a baller? He played in Australia though, where there's trapezoids on the court and they wear hot pants and you have to account for the Coriolis Effect when you run your backdoor cuts.

ANA MARIE: But the star of this picture is, of course, Reggie Love.

JASON: This is what a real athlete looks like. Look at his face! Calm like a bomb. That vertical leap is what scares Glenn Beck the most about the Obama administration.

ANA MARIE: If I could make a related point about Reggie Love?

JASON: Please do.

ANA MARIE: Basically? YUM.

JASON: Ha! Who is that underneath Reggie Love, looking on in terror?

ANA MARIE: That's Pennsylvania Representative and Iraq War vet Patrick Murphy, who's spearheading the Congressional effort to end the ban on gays in the military.

JASON: Well, don't ask and don't tell anyone about that time he got cold postered by Reggie Love!

ANA MARIE: Obama of course, is just hanging out in the back. Like with health care reform.

JASON: Indeed. Well, Choire, this would probably be a good time to insert your page break.

ANA MARIE: All of you using RSS readers will want to click out now!

"Mon Dieu! Monsieur President, would you mind running your hand back through the dishwasher, this time on 'pots and pans,' s'il vous plait.

Pete Souza manages to find the one occasion where the White House Press Corps casts a long shadow.

This is where they make Fox News sit, now.

ANA MARIE: If you enlarge you'll see the chairs are clearly marked, so no one confuses the black President with the guy from Denmark, named Lars.

JASON: "All you world leaders look alike."

ANA MARIE: Well, they used to! It's a fair point.

Obama sends his secret message to Fox News.

Our main man Pete Souza has the whole framing gimmick, as we've endeavored to explain. But fellow White House photog Chuck Kennedy is working on discovering the most potent and majestic blend of cloud-to-marble architecture ratio possible.

ANA MARIE: America, let's just be honest. Obama's just not that into astronomy. Your big clue: he can't really see through the telescope when the huge floodlight is on. He's just going through the motions, to satisfy you.

JASON: I think you're just supposed to be impressed with the fact that he can snap his fingers and get people to scatter these bad-ass telescopes all over the lawn and shit.

Chuck Kennedy captures Deputy Director of Oval Operations Brian Mosteller doing his best imitation of an Obama cardboard cut-out. Years later the memory of this moment would form the basis of his rather intense mid-life crisis.

Okay, Mr. President, why don't you man up and play some goddamned MURDERBALL!

The President recognizes that he'd come off more impressive if he just played horse.

White House personal secretary Katie Johnson is scandalized after Robert Gibbs tells her the "peanut butter and jam" joke in front of the President.

We both approve of Katie Johnson's very cool, non-skankboot boot.

Argh. Here's Pete Souza, framing Obama in the bend of somebody's elbow. When this White House Flickr shit finally comes to an end, he really has a bright future in the field of porn cinematography.

Oh, crap. Chuck Kennedy is infringing upon both the framing and stalking-Obama-on-the-White-House-grounds trademarks of Pete Souza.

Most people who win the Nobel Prize respond by saying, "Wow, I won a million dollars! Peace out, denizens of the third world!" Ok, not really. But only Barack Obama was ever made to fret about having won.

And only Obama was required to bring in a fleet of speechwriters, computers, and whatever was delivered in that giant FedEx package to help him say, "Thanks for the trinket, Norway," in a way that wouldn't seem ungrateful or embarrassing.

"See, this goddamned fucking draft is just not going to cut it! UGH. FUCK A NOBEL COMMITTEE, WITH DYNAMITE!"

Obama returns from talking about the Nobel, wondering why he can't chew some goddamned bubblegum anymore without inciting a media firefight. "And now, I've got to figure out how to integrate Kathleen Sebelius and Hilda Solis into our five-on-five game, because I'm the only motherfucker in the country who has to think about fending off some horseshit Politico front-pager when he plays basketball."

Every once in a while, Pete Souza likes to show that if he wanted to, he could be reading all kinds of of classified shit.

"No, seriously! I could do your job! If you wanted! I COULD do it!"

"Yes, Joe. We know."

"You want me to bend over and do WHAT, now?"

Disappointed in his inability to win President for a Day responsibilities, Joe Biden returns to an afternoon of sexually harassing Valerie Jarrett, one of the powerless, non-basketball-playing women of the White House.

To make Kal Penn feel more at ease in Washington, Obama rounds up every Asian he can find to be his White House sidekickS. And since that dickwad Mike Allen might be hiding somewhere, writing his dumbassed blog, he has to make sure he auditions some of the powerless non-basketball-playing female Asians to be his "Beltway Harold."

Pete Souza, the Diane Arbus of place setting photography.

Here's Obama at the HRC fete. Maybe if he were that large, he could get rid of Don't Ask Don't Tell.

The Man Who Wasn't There.

Pete Souza's advice to Chuck Kennedy: "Get lots of gratuitous shot of random crap through windows. You'll want to remember these days, driving in cars with presidents."

HAPPY DOG. Rightfully the center of attention.

I love the caption on this: An advisor holds a file during President Barack Obama's phone call with Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva in the Oval Office." WHAT MAKES THIS ADVISOR HOLDING A FILE DIFFERENT FROM ALL THE OTHER RANDOM PEOPLE HOLDING A FILE? Oh, well, I'll tell you why, fuckchop! Obama just happened to be talking to Brazilian President Lula at the time. See: it MEANS something now. It's REAL, dude. Puts that shit into some fucking PERSPECTIVE. Can't handle it? Well get out of the darkroom! Not that Pete Souza uses a darkroom! Shit, if he had to actually develop these fucking photos, you think he'd be running around shooting file folders and bowls of fruit?

"Just make it out to, 'My friend George.'"

ANA MARIE: Obama is applauding a child who just sang a song to Obama.

JASON: Is it one of those indoctrination songs I keep hearing about?

ANA MARIE: Are there any other kind?

You must be this tall to be chief of staff!

Thanks to ACORN, all of these children are registered to vote, in Chicago.

See, if you let Cappy Kennedy eat off the table, sooner or later, the powerless, non-basketball-playing women of the White House are going to want to as well!

Previously: We Definitely Know What You Did At Every Minute This Summer

by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

White House staff photographer and personal paparazzi Pete Souza: he has been around the world in a day with his concealed weapon town hall camera permit, shooting Barack Obama. What did they do this summer? They went to the Grand Canyon, which is in Mexico. And so many more places! And here we have Rachel Maddow's hot lady-friend (JUST FRIENDS PEOPLE!) Ana Marie Cox (Daily Beast and Playboy contributor) and Jason Linkins (editor of the Huffington Post's Eat the Press) to travel along!

Obama celebrates with his Fishing Czar over the fact that he "almost hooked a trout." Years, later, historians would reflect on how this eventually became a theme for his presidency.

If only there was a bust of Lincoln, to add some majesty.

Jesus. He's just cold visitin' every goddamn landmark in the country, like he's crossing them off his bucket list, or something. (Also: Fog, historians, "theme for his presidency.")

Jason: Yeah, go on and deny Pete Souza doorways. Steal away his windowpanes. Take from him screens and mirrors, the geometry of hallways, slats in blinds and chance peeks through portholes. It doesn't matter! HE WILL FIND A WAY TO FRAME OBAMA.

JASON: Come on. Aren't these types of shots doing more harm than good, now?
ANA: Pete Souza's just taking note that the halo light has dimmed. (cf. Historians, "theme for his Presidency")

LOOK. Nobody ever said that socialist indoctrination was going to be exciting.

Now Pete Souza is just letting random people pose in front of Obama's hooptie.

Jason: Just when you think a subject cannot be too prosaic for Pete Souza, we get this.
Ana: This photo explores what it is like to watch somebody watch Obama play golf.

Pete Souza is now just underneath the bleachers at Town Hall events, photographing asses.

Obama was never good at hide and seek.

ANA MARIE: In the Obama White House, the Indians always beat the Cowboys.

JASON: It's like there's that one room in the White House where a David Lynch movie is constantly happening.

by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

Did you know that the White House staff photographer shoots Barack Obama every 1.4 seconds? That is a fact. Particularly when our "President" is traveling around the world, representing the interests of Kenya and the health care lobby. And here we have Ana Marie Cox (Daily Beast and Playboy contributor) and Jason Linkins (editor of the Huffington Post's Eat the Press) to make sense of all this abundant photograph evidence for us!

JASON: That is a short man.
ANA: Dmitry Medvedev is Dudley Moore! Oh, little man! I loved you in Bedazzled!
JASON: In Soviet Russia, moon and New York City gets caught between you!

In Moscow, two plates of warm spit were prepared so that Obama would not miss Joe Biden so much.

And so, the Council of Elrond was enjoined.

As it turns out, the Russian version of MEET THE PRESS is WAAAY more intimidating.

ANA: Oh, WH photog Pete Souza, with your funky ass perspective shot.
JASON: This looks like that X-Files episode on that boat. I keep expecting Gillian Anderson to run through the frame.
ANA: Robert Gibbs wishes Gillian Anderson would run through the frame!

ANA: Look! Dudley Moore is there! Obama got stuck with the Medvedev-sized glass.
JASON: In Russia, I wonder if you order coffee in Venti, Grande, and Medvedev sized.

ANA: AWWW.
JASON: Look at the cute office Medvedev has! For the pocket-sized puppet leader.
ANA: He's got a torchier lamp! And a neato booster seat!

JASON: Damn! Look at that! Why is Russian shit so much shinier than our shit?
ANA: Ehh, I think they get most of their furniture from Pottery Barn.

Medvedev tells Obama about the Tri-Wizard Tournament and all the spells he learned at Durmstrang.

JASON: "My mind had been enabled, in a memory you overflowed…"
ANA: Robert Gibbs is definitely the "Turtle" of this entourage.

ANA: Check out Mr. Foster Grants on the side.
JASON: It looks like Will Leitch! What is Will doing in Russia?
ANA: Starring in a 1970's Cold War porn, apparently!

JASON: Foreign military people: Why do they walk so jaunty?
ANA: Hey, in Russia, at least you don't have to "ask."

JASON: Jesus. Is that the Swiss Guard?
ANA: That is the Swiss Guard. They also have their own line of Happy Meals.
JASON: Find a plenary indulgence inside each one!

This looks like the start of bad Tony Kushner play, entitled: "HOLY SHIT, NAZI POPE! FLEE FLEE AWAY!"

Wow. We didn't know Skip Gates was so athletic.

No, no! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Health care lobbyists. [Not Pictured]

He totally throws like a Kenyan.

The Church of Latter Day Saints' Thomas Munson explains how the retroactive baptism thing sort of like a time-share dealie.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do: that is, meet a trio of half-assed historical re-enactors on the tarmac.

More bars, more places.

So THAT'S what happened to Tito the Builder!

Frames within crosses within frames with ghostly angel remnants floating in the distance, by Pete Souza.

JASON: We haven't talked a lot about Pete Souza's obsession with place settings.
ANA: These all look normal sized. I love how he has to be reminded that he went to the G8 to discuss "International Issues."

JASON: This looks like a Hieronymous Bosch painting.

ANA: Typical. Silvio Berlusconi is discussing how massive his cock is.

JASON: Is this a picture of Robert Gibbs, fresh out of the dunk tank?
ANA: No, this is in Italy. Though maybe they made Gibbs in the dunk tank there, too.

Obama finally appears in his own Verizon commercial.

Health care lobbyists wave to the President.

Barack Obama visits the Kenyan "President Mill" that the birthers are trying to warn us about.

Obama visits Ghana's Cape Coast Castle, constructed entirely from chips from the shoulders of angry blacks.

Wow. Can't make fun of that guy.

Yeah, but fuck these people.

Previously:
Someone's in the Kitchen with Mike Allen

The Case of the Crazy Runaway Apple

by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

Our White House: really, we should call it the Transparent House, it is so wide-open. Thanks to White House photographer Pete Souza and his friends, every day we see all. Or at least we think we do! And here we have Ana Marie Cox (Daily Beast and Playboy contributor) and Jason Linkins (editor of the Huffington Post's Eat the Press) to interpret the visuals for us.

"No, no, no, See, here's the thing. Palin passes the ball."

"Why yes, I am very interested in your new long distance plan?"

ANA: "I feel like we should be able to get something funny out of Gorbachev."

JASON: "You mean like SQUEEZE him?"

ANA: "Sort of like what Obama's doing right now."

This is volleyball Mike Allen tried to hide behind, at the Fourth of July party.

Despite the promises of the stimulus package, this child is actually 30% smaller than it was four months ago. Still delicious, though.

A cardboard cutout of Barack Obama looks on, with Mike Allen, as fireworks explode in the sky.

TRACY JORDAN COMES TO THE WHITEHOUSE. "No, no, don't help me, Rahm Emanuel, I have too much pride!"

I don't know if the stimulus will end up being big enough, but that's undeniably a big package. (After this shot, White House photographer Samantha Appleton was never heard from again.)

JASON: JESUS. This is like Pete Souza YAHTZEE. Frames, Obama pondering, and Lincoln.

ANA: Obama must wander around wondering, "How long do I have to stand by this picture of Lincoln before Pete Souza takes my picture?"

Steven Chu is being punished by being forced to stand by the Lincoln bust. "You stand there, thinking about what you've done, until Pete Souza comes over and records this moment."

Mike Allen [not pictured].

JASON: Is that the Fourth of July picnic?

ANA: No.

JASON: So we can't make a Mike Allen joke.

ANA: Oh, no. We can still make a Mike Allen joke!

White House personal secretary Katie Johnson finds her chance to set a new high-score in Wurdle foiled once again. (THOUGHT BALLOON: You know, you have your own office!)

Ready for that trip up shit creek!

In order to take his mind off getting dressed down for the millionth time, Joe Biden focuses on the wine, the delicious, numbing wine.

JASON: There's that fucking football, again.

ANA: That must be where he keeps his smokes.

JASON: Or Mike Allen.

"Jesus. Can't a girl just play a game of Wurdle in peace? Stop throwing Mike Allen around!"

At first Angela Merkle was put off by the new White House tradition of Spin the Bottle nights. But that passed when she saw who the bottle landed on.

Don't you know, little boy, tossing softballs at Robert Gibbs is Ed Henry's job!

Reese Witherspoon is about to make someone the Bachelor!

Jason: FRAMES WITHIN FRAMES WITHIN FRAMES!

Ana: Never let it be said that Pete Souza wasn't paying attention in junior high photography class.

Jason: No, never. I will CUT a motherfucker who says that.

Obama uses immigration reform meetings for his catnaps. Hey, don't get mad! It's not like they were ever going to solve that problem!

"Here's the thing Charlie, Brian Williams did this swirly thing…"

Actual caption: "President Barack Obama's jacket rests on a couch in the Oval Office while he makes a phone call, June 24, 2009."

ANA: That's a little worshipful, even for Pete Souza.

JASON: Gah, this week, Souza's new trick has been exploring the wisdom of Obama on the phone.

ANA: Maybe we're having an effect!

You can't Vulcan mind-meld yourself! LOSS OF NERD POINTS.

Hi, Awl readers. My name is Jason Linkins. I'd like to take this moment to remind each of you that Food Network personality Bobby Flay is complete horseshit. Isn't this the sort of thing the Secret Service is supposed to stop, by force? Literally rain down wave after wave bullets on this man, to protect our president? Anyway, fuck this guy, and his crapulent Southwestern style jizzvapor cuisine. To hate like me is to be happy forever. That is all.

"No, no, no, See, here's the thing. Palin passes the ball. (Thank you, John.)"

Previously: The Case of the Crazy Runaway Apple

by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

What kind of crazy world do we live in when we can see into the White House each day through The Official White House Photostream? Well a really crazy one. And here we have Ana Marie Cox (Daily Beast and Playboy contributor and Air America hostessess) and Jason Linkins (of the Huffington Post) to annotate it for us.

ANA: I think that the Obamas have allowed Bo's lethal level of adorability to blind them to the truth.
JASON: They are outright lying about their dog!
ANA: Who told them Portuguese Water Dogs can't swim? Or that they like tomatoes? Where is Fox News on this?
JASON: Why hasn't Bill O'Reilly ambushed all the Portuguese Water Dogs? Why don't I own a Portuguese Bourbon Fetcher Dog?
ANA: Clearly, this administration does not keep its promises

JASON: How did the POLITICO fail to WIN THE AFTERNOON with the exciting news of the Estonian President's visit?
ANA: Where are they meeting? The Capitol Hill Hilton?

The first taste is always free!

ANA: How can the Obamas authentically relax with each other if White House photog Pete Souza is following them around?
JASON: It makes me wonder what shots Souza leaves in the darkroom.
ANA: That would imply that they are able to get really relaxed.

Opposite day, obviously.

We TOLD YOU about this Pete Souza and his desperate need to find "frames" to put Obama in. But that's how we roll: Speaking truth the White House commemorative photographers. And, by the way, SQUISHING YOUR HEAD, SQUISHING YOUR HEAD!

Some of you might want to know-for "research" purposes, of course-that the man in the foreground is Peter Orszag.

Every once in a while, President Obama just straight up forgets who the fuck Robert Gibbs is.

JASON: God, even Barack's gang tags are sort of lame!
ANA: It's like he got that off a Snapple lid.

Joe Biden, as always, reminding Hillary that his job is easier than hers and he gets paid more.

Not to harp on this, but again, MYSTERY FOOTBALL: Why haven't we heard about this? Is it possible that there can be an aspect of this man's life that we neither know nothing about, or at the very least, have had some shit made up about?

We can guarantee you that somewhere on this map is Obama's birthplace. (Note: Not a guarantee.)

The football mystery deepens! BECAUSE IT IS MOVING.

ANA: Do you think he was just pelting Steny Hoyer, with the football, for health care?
JASON: I know I would!

We had been trying very hard to avoid comment on the fruit bowls. Because JESUS THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. But Pete Souza won't let this go.

ANA: It's hard to believe how much power Rahm has.
JASON: And you are just referring to his pants, right?
ANA: Correct.

What secret message is he sending to the Jews now? That's he's erect? That word has several meanings!

Tim Geithner, contemplating his return to Rivendell.

Because he was especially good, Obama allows Joe Biden to touch him. JUST FOR A SECOND, THOUGH, HANDSY!

ANA: I always felt a little dirty saying there was a honey pot at the White House.
JASON: Are those killer bees Africanized or Muslimized.

Obama gets ready to pull out his Blackberry, by which we of course mean his penis.

OMGZ! OBAMA IS BEING THOUGHTFUL AS HARD AS HE CAN.

The official position from the White House is that this picture is in no way metaphorical.

But the "Obama and halo" shot probably is.

Legislative Affairs Director Phil Schiliro demonstrates another tactic the White House could use to convince Congress to pass health care reform.

Don't tell anyone, but that folder contains information on the super-secret mission that Obama gave the Uighurs.

There no artifice at all to the way Obama is always strategically chilling out by busts of Lincoln. None at all.

JASON: There it is! The teleprompter! The secret weapon no one in the GOP could have predicted!
ANA: I didn't know it was possible to take its picture!

Fortunately, the Secret Service intervened before Brian Williams could suck Bo's cock, too.

What, they can't already hear Joe Biden?

Everyone was really sad when the NBC News crew left. Who would suck their cocks now?

Can't make fun of Nancy Reagan, people. She's a sweetheart, and she's still sharp enough to know when she's being jacked around by Mitt Romney.

Obama waits for central casting to send the lamb and the manger.

OH NO! An apple has escaped from its bowl!

"Hey, is that ANOTHER bust of Lincoln? How'd that get here?"

by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

Our nation's greatest resource and triumph, our playground with the stars: The Official White House Photostream. How very remarkable. Except when it isn't. And here we have Ana Marie Cox (Daily Beast and Playboy contributor) and Jason Linkins (of the Huffington Post) to annotate it for us.

And that is where I was ACTUALLY born.

Reggie Love's sandals are the only shoes in this picture not secretly insulting the Jews.

Europe's Notre Dame surprisingly ok with Obama visit.

We're gonna leave the old man alone. He's a hero.

But fuck this guy.

"Way to go veterans, with the whole fighting for your country thing! And, uhm, AAYYYYYYYEEEEE…."

Charles Xavier warns that some of those terrorists CAN break out of SuperMax prisons!

Date night!

Little known fact: That baby is actually WW2 vet, aging backwards.

The first time you see "two girls, one cup" is always special.

The second time? Not so much.

Ana: This picture just makes me mad at [WH photographer] Pete Souza. Guy basically has access allowing him to go to the bathroom with Obama and he gives us this.
Jason: Yeah, fuck that guy.

Ana: And this is the kind of thing that would just embarrass me if he were my dad.
Jason: Yeah, fuck that guy.

Again with the bowing!

Ah, the traditional re-enactment of 'Ishtar.'

Not so "secret" any more, are we?????

Hey, Pete Souza, COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING?

Ah, THERE'S the birth certificate!

"Booger-check…. we're clear!"

David Axelrod points out — not for the first time — that just because Obama doesn't APPEAR to be paying attention doesn't mean that Biden is allowed to have the nuclear football.

Why are y'all bored??? It's the daily economic briefing! That shit is MAD FREAKY. It's like watching porn!

Obama's less subtle diss of the Jews.

One of many the series of "Obama Looking Thoughtful" pictures that Pete Souza is required by law to produce.

Admit it, you're thinking about cock.

Biden, literally measuring the drapes.

WTF PETE SOUZA?????

Harry Reid's "sex swing" is about as exciting as you'd expect.

One of these cellphones is courting a lawsuit from the AP.

Previously: The Annotated White House Flickr Pool

by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

Our nation's greatest resource and triumph: The Official White House Photostream. What a wonderful age in which we live! And here we have Ana Marie Cox (Daily Beast and Playboy contributor) and Jason Linkins (of the Huffington Post) to annotate it for us.

This has to be some kind of "Black Power" signal. RUN AND HIDE!

OMG! Who knew that those "Black Panthers" who "intimidated" voters in Philadelphia with nightsticks played for the Steelers?

1) he reflects in mirrors. who knew?
2) he's visiting the speechwriters, which we know can't be true: teleprompters don't get lonely
3) that goddamn football again.

Obama: NOT A VAMPIRE.

More terrorism.

WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE FUCKING FOOTBALL

Is he trying to be some sort of "post-racial" version of George Allen?

"OOOH! OOOH! Can we have our national security briefing outside? Can we, can weeeee?"

Right, you dope-smoking hippies.

Honestly he has never looked more like Alfred E. Newman.

White House workers prep this weeks harvest of arugula from Michelle Obama's communal garden, so that it can go to make more Ray's "Hell" Burgers.

INDOCTRINATING.

Children who are old enough to read receive their own free copy of FUGITIVE DAYS, by Bill Ayers.

I just think that's adorable.

As you can see, it's all law enforcement can do to prevent the White House from becoming just like the wilds of goddamned Africa.

Is this considered "native dress"?

We will all dress like Hamid Karzai and like it!