After a long hiatus from writing on this blog, I went back and read through a lot of the posts I wrote. A part of me was worried that because I was disconnected from writing here, I may have disconnected from the many positive messages I used to leave here. In case you're concerned, I haven't changed. But I did reflect upon the posts I made here, and I made an interesting realisation:
This entire blog was only possible by making the most of what would have otherwise been a negative experience.
I am normally a positive-minded person. Not many things will personally upset me, and I am always described by terms such as "easy going" and "happy-go-lucky" in an attempt to capture my general enthusiasm and optimism. But around the time I started writing these posts, I began talking with a friend of mine who was starting to doubt themself.
Through consoling my friend, I was exposed to many of the issues that negative-minded people face. I began to notice some mental barriers that I didn't realise existed within my own mind, and overall I began to explore more deeply the roots of how my own mind worked. In the process, I grew, and also decided to reported my learnings here.
Suitably, what made this blog possible was that I practised the underlying theme of this blog - by deciding to turn an ordeal into a positive learning experience, as well as an archive for others.
Also, there's a happy ending too - my friend has a much stronger mind now, and for this, has a great future ahead of them.
Thank you for listening to my story - and while I have ceased the frequency of posts here because I am no longer actively dealing with the issue of a negative mind, hopefully this is not the end of my blogging here either.
Let me get this straight. I don't believe in positive thinking. I merely believe in thinking, and I oppose negative thinking.
I believe in the world as the world. I believe what can happen, can happen.
This is sometimes referred to as "positive thinking", a term that draws ire from so-called rational people who believe that positive thinking is delusional.
But what I believe in is simply the truth. It isn't that I am biased to think positively, but rather that I am not biased to think negatively.
Negative thinkers bring preconceived notions of the world into their thinking. They don't believe in the world as the world. They don't believe that what can happen, can happen. They are clouded by the doubts and insecurities they have accumulated over the years of their life. They have limited the "realistic" possibilities in their mind.
When so-called "positive thinkers" like me oppose this worldview, we do not aim to purport a distorted and overly optimistic image of reality. Instead, we seek to destroy the distortion that leads people to a pessimistic image of reality.
Humans are inclined towards negative thinking. So much so, that it has become the default. Hence, those who see the world straight and clear, for all the possibility it presents, are called positive thinkers. So sometimes, we are seen as delusional, and if that's what other people think, then I guess we are delusional, at least on a relative scale.
Yet, when we don't believe in our ability to make something happen, not because the world doesn't permit it, but because our mind doesn't permit us to believe it, then who is really the delusional one?
No one is meant to be on top of the world. For if you were, your only move would be down. In life, we climb, grow and ascend (and fail, trip over, get up and try again too). When you feel on top of the world, you actually mean to say the outlook is positive. But you're not literally at the top - you will keep on going up.
A happy and positive life is not about achieving a fairytale outcome. We're never shown past the ending of a fairytale because it's no longer a fairytale once you realise that there's nowhere to go after you've achieved "all you ever wanted". Instead, a happy and positive life is about the relentless and determined climb against gravity.
So don't worry about getting on top of the hill. Just keep on finding mountains you love to climb.
Never forget the hopes, aspirations and potential of every other human being around you. Appreciate their awesomeness - be humble and noble about everyone's greatness. Just stop - stop thinking about yourself - for a moment and look for it.
The point? To have the empathy to understand what drives everyone else around you. To remember that most people actually intend to do the best, but may have a very different belief of how it is done.
The point is to keep your perception and assumptions of other human beings grounded with reality, so that you do not misjudge their intentions.
The point is that you can begin to work with people you previously saw as your enemies, when you respect them for their personal values, motivations and drivers.
The point is that you can achieve more with others, than alone.
Compared to many, I consider myself to be an extremely confident and self-guided person, free of concern to peer pressure and external influences. But even I can be fooled into chasing a dream that isn't mine sometimes.
The trap that is so easy to fall into opens up when you begin to hold others in high esteem on a pedestal to yourself. Usually unintentionally, they slowly convince you of what is right and what is wrong, by what they do, how they do it, and why they do it. Soon enough, you are living their life through yours - their values, their beliefs and their dreams take over your own like a parasite.
But some way along the line, something will remind you of what you love to do. The mental trigger will take you on a journey back to your childhood, and pluck the strings that make chords that are the only ones that truly resonate with you. And suddenly, you will remember what it means to be you again.
The trigger will come at different times for different people. For some, it will be when they start a degree they never wanted to. For many, it will be 20 years into their career when their mid-life crisis strikes. But regardless of when, your internal strings are begging to be played again.
Listen for the trigger. Have an open mind and heart for the sounds that resonate with you. In the meantime, don't idolise anyone but yourself. Your values are king.
To, and for, all the young people out there who feel like this world is a little out of this world - a little bit strange, or not quite right.
For those who watch the televsion, or drive down the local shopping strip, and find that nothing is yelling out to you. For those who thought - "maybe I'll understand when I grow up" - those who are now still confused and apathetic to the world around them.
You're not lost, you're right.
This world was your parents' world. When you walk down the streets, you're walking through what will be an artifact of the past. Business and society has previously shaped itself to support your parents' generation, and they're not going to be around forever. What appealed to them doesn't appeal to you, and soon enough the world better change, or else it's screwed.
And it will change - as long as you're ready to take the reins, as long as you're ready to become the new owners of the world. It is our responsibility to renew and reshape this world according to our own flavours, tastes, values and expectations. We can only imagine what our technologically-aware, impossibly high expectations and brilliance will create.
One day, with your help, the world will finally be our own home.
For many, cynics appear to be wise and worldly. Their all-knowing statements of a perilous world, caused by our so-called doomed ignorant society, puts them into a sagely position in our minds. They appear to know so much about the bad and wrongs that other people do, and distance themselves from it like they are above it. Their distrust and skepticism suggest that they have tried it all before, and nothing has worked - so they must know it all.
Cynics walk across the earth arms-crossed and unengaged, like they have nothing left to learn. It is this picture of a seasoned and unaffected warrior of the world that signals the superrationality and omniscience of the cynic.
On the other hand, it is the child that has the wide-eyed optimism, enthusiasm and intense willingness to learn. They always have their arms and hands open, happy to approach anything to satisfy their curiosity. They do not pretend to know anything, or they are never satisfied with what they already know. Their relentless hope is unmatched, radiating idealism with seemingly unlimited energy.
Nothing can stop a child's thirst for learning, growth and experiences. But for many, they reach a point in their lives when they become grown-up, and choose to voluntarily relinquish their childhood for cynicism; becoming "wise".
Will you make that trade?
Not long ago, I used to charge less than half of what I did to tutor and coach students on a 1:1 basis. When I changed that, I didn't only get double the time or double the money, I gained a god-like awareness and control of my self-worth - and as a bonus, I also struck upon more clients that I exceptionally enjoyed working with! Another bonus is that I got to speak with successful parents a lot more, and learn from them as well!
For a lot of things, I used to not really ask for what I wanted more of, whether it was time, money or satisfaction. But what I discovered above was the power of being assertive, and having the self-worth and belief that I deserved and could earn what I wanted. I had no longer put it in an unreachable or "someday" position in my mind. I would just go for it, and it would never fail to unlock opportunities everywhere - not only in my career, but in my relationships, in my health and in my life!
Think of a time when you had the self-worth to be assertive about getting what you want - what you deserve.
What's stopping you from doing what you really want to do?
Usually it's something along the lines of not knowing enough to be absolutely sure in your decision. But you never will. You will always have a "but" or an "if" to pull out in response to a grand plan. And they'll never be resolved unless you actually make the first move toward your goal - only then will you have a better idea about your plans.
British essayist Samuel Johnson once said:
Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome
In many cases, your objections are just excuses to stay comfortable and avoid risk. But it's not about how risk-averse you are, it's about what type of risk you're going to take on.
You can't afford to wait until your plan is watertight. It never will be, but neither is the default plan of living as a sitting duck.
When it comes to your own expectations, goals and benchmarks, you can easily set them and they may become a reality. But when you add your friends and family into the mix, it's suddenly not that simple any more. They will already have a preconceived notion of what you can achieve and what they can expect from you, and they can play an important role in your success.
Sometimes, this is done in your favour. If your friends and family hold high expectations of you, their intention will come through their communication with you, and you will slowly become convinced of your potential. It will make you greater.
However, it can also be a vice in many other cases. Because your expectations have changed but theirs (of you) are still lagging behind, then the communication with you suddenly becomes negative as they aim to push you back to what they perceive you to be. Although they are often trying to protect you, they will unintentionally suggest against it. They may say things like: "you are not cut out for this," or "we're happy with the way you are!"
For example, if a family member has always seen you as a fat person, the language you've been surrounded by will push you towards that self-identity. The effects can be so severe that even once you have lost the weight, you may still be seen as fat. And because that identity is being pushed on you so much, eventually your own self-talk will become corrupted and you will revert to your old state of being fat to match your discouraged beliefs.
But it's not helpful to blame them. Often they just think that they know what's best for you: they don't want you to be upset or disappointed if you can't make it. But what they don't realise is that their lack of faith in you is probably the key reason why you might not make it in the first place! So if possible, try to avoid their advice until you are mentally prepared to take any backlash. Eventually they'll revise their expectations, rather than yours.
Know the difference between what you want and what people expect of you.
I don't care how gifted you think you are - you have none. It's all in your imagination.
Albert Einstein once said:
I have no special talents, I am only passionately curious
What this means is that if you believe that for example, you are good at tennis then you are more likely to practice it and become talented. The crazy thing is that your belief can come from as something small as a gentle comment of encouragement about your tennis playing back when you were young. I never used to love singing either, not until somebody told me I have a good voice. I'm not sure if it was any good back then, but that simple compliment inadvertently gave birth to a passion for singing that has helped to train and improve my voice to a higher standard!
There are two lessons to be learned from this:
Acknowledge your own and others' potential. It can make a world of difference.
When we think about risk, we often only think about the risk of failing. Oft forgotten, however, is the risk of doing nothing. Once weighed fairly, the risk of taking action is often a mere illusion, as doing nothing can be just as dangerous, if not more dangerous.
Understanding this simple truth can make the difference between your success and mediocrity. Sure, taking on the risk of doing something can lead to failure, but failure is not the opposite of success - mediocrity is. Failure is merely a stepping stone to success - you can only fail if you actually take action and try something. Your failure is feedback, and you will learn something that takes you one step closer to success.
Reduce your bias against taking action, and prevent mediocrity.
There are a plethora of reasons why people discard motivational advice. These include:
But don't give up trying to give or receive a motivational message. Forget the cliches, don't bother with those who aren't confident and authoritative in their supposed confidence-boosting statements. They're not worth your time.
Instead, listen to those who actually live and breathe these messages, those who are actually positive and sure of their message. These people radiate energy and inspiration; they are so confident, genuine and assured in their message that you won't even feel the need to doubt it. They are the ones worth every moment of your time.
Aim to emit and surround yourself with these types of messages instead.
Are you going to get the ride of a lifetime from this year?
Nope. You're going to give 2011 a ride of a lifetime.
So here's a warning to you, 2011: get ready to be rocked damn hard, and expect nothing less from us. You better be ready!
Here's to an incredible year of big aspirations and achievements from all of us.
I had a very simple epiphany just then. In university, most people get poor marks because they think it's only about passing. The target mark for them is 50, maybe sometimes 60 to be safe. Contrast this to their goal for their ATAR score - in many more cases it might be something as high as 90, 95 or even 99.95!
And it's no coincidence that you get many high-achievers from high school who move into university and score much more poorly. When they let go of that aggressive goal-setting in university, it's no wonder their results suffer.
Throughout my degree I have occasionally had the number "100" in my mind for a few subjects and my results show for it - although I have never achieved a perfect score, I still proudly score quite high.
What I have found is that the standard you set for yourself is the limit you place on yourself. It can be applied to so many situations, such as your weight, your finances and even your luck. You will subconsciously self-sabotage your opportunities and achievements if you have not set high enough expectations for yourself. If your self-image is not about an improved self, then you become comfortable with mediocrity, and you will become mediocre.
Your only limit is what standard you choose to set for yourself. Aim high.
Are your beliefs holding you back? Have you ever felt like you needed a drink to have fun? Or that if you were to be a nice person, that you'd come last? (Or in other words, you have to be an asshole to get anywhere)
Well, it's only true if you believe it. And you don't have to believe it.
Imagine or remember simply having a great time without alcohol - being confident enough in yourself that only your pure intent and belief could unlock it, and not any amount of alcohol would. Or being nice to someone and being acknowledged or rewarded for it. And that you were more comfortable and confident when you were nice to others, rather than being an asshole to them.
Your beliefs are the limits you place on yourself. Re-imagine your limits.
In the people you meet in life, you will occasionally find the type of person who will be easily inspired and empowered. They see a brighter future, and endless possibilities. When they apply themselves, they are generally very successful. They won't make excuses to put off their success. They will simply go and get it - they are the believers.
However, they will encounter a type of person who will doubt and reject their vision. They will immediately shut down any possibility that their world could ever be significantly improved. They may label you as "naive" but perhaps they do not realise they could be irrationally skeptical and distrustful of others. They are the cynics.
But there are many who sit in between the middle of these two camps. They aren't sure whether they can be confident in the world they live in, or not. They aren't sure if they can succeed or not. They are undecided and lost in the world - they are the seekers.
They are also malleable. When they speak to one of the many cynics of the world, they are walking away from the inspiration and empowerment that they need to enable themselves. But when they talk to the believers, they can do anything they want. Doors open, and nothing is impossible. Their life will be changed forever.
But not without your dedicated fight. A cynic can destroy a seeker's hopes, dreams and aspirations. Believe, and be a missionary for inspiration and empowerment.
Nothing. No buts.
If anyone dares throw around this phrase with a caveat, they don't mean it. People who give conflicting messages telling you to "be yourself" and then to "fake it 'til you make it" don't know what they're talking about. Block it out and don't listen.
You can't afford to be someone else. If you haven't made it yet, or reached what you want to be, there's a path for you. If you see value in what you want, with persistence, you will find a way to get that value yourself. Don't use somebody else's path: the reason why you haven't done so already is that it's simply not natural for you. Your mode of learning - your values and what resonates with you - is completely different to the next person. You can't do it as well if you just take their route.
Let yourself know it's okay to have a reservation about someone else's way of doing things. You can still be great at selling if you're not a sleazy salesman. You can still be an attractive person if you haven't got the perfect body. You're not a sleazy salesman or you don't have the "perfect body" because you don't value it! But you can still get to what you want by staying true to your own values too. And if you really channel your strengths, you'll be better than what your stereotyped vision of the perfect salesman or romantic interest could ever be.
Remain authentic to yourself. Follow your style.
When all hope seems lost, everything seems dark. Everything seems meaningless. Everything and everyone seems like they're out to get you.
But you chose to switch off the lights, because you chose to forget that meaning. You chose to shut off your trust from others, and you vowed to never take another risk again.
But no risk means no growth.
When you fall over and get hurt, you get up again. And it doesn't matter how many times you've fallen - it matters how you finish. If you stop after one defeat, ten defeats, or a million, you'll never know how close you are to breaking through the brick wall.
Turn on those lights and be what you want to be again.
The age-old question:
Is the glass half-full, or half-empty?
Supposedly your answer determines whether you are an optimist or a pessimist. I'm not so sure that answer really matters though. Things aren't necessarily good or bad - and forcing everything to fit into one of the two would be delusional.
There's a better solution to this question. Rather than ignore the problem of the glass being half-empty (by shouting about how half-full it is), take an objective look at the glass and recognise that 50% of it is filled with water, and 50% of it is filled with air, or space.
It's full! It's just not full of water.
The cup serves as an excellent metaphor for what you have in your life - the water - and your potential - the free space.