clayray3290

I love postcards and I loved the idea, I’m sending you a postcard tomorrow!

Best wishes!

I haven’t looked at this thing in ages. Ha.

But I’m planning on reviving the Postcard Skyline Project, so I’m revisiting this blog.

It’s a good time to restart this Project, don’tcha think? I mean, we’ve just graduated from college and we’re all going in such different places. A good way to keep in touch with people and check in to see where people are going, eh?

And also a good way to celebrate having my own place for the first time! Now I have a wall that I can decorate and know that I won’t have to most certainly move in less than a year.

So. Here we go again! Yay!

I’m actually just in a bit of a disgusted mood, really.

It’s my opinion that teachers and doctors are two of the most important groups in society. (Of course, there are many other important figures in society, but I think these two are particularly important.) Doctors are important because they are there to heal and because they take people’s lives in their hands. Teachers are just as important because they play such a huge role in life at such an early stage and throughout.

So I am just utterly disgusted at some of the teachers that I have seen.

As a teacher, you don’t just teach kids how to divide fractions or how to write in iambic pentameter. Teachers serve as authority figures who, maybe more than anyone other than parents, provide examples and role models for what a child (or even an adult!) should aspire to be. The encouragement of a teacher can change the course of a life dramatically – for the better or for worse. A teacher can help a person learn more about themselves and the world around them not just in terms of facts but in terms of actions and feelings.

I’m just shocked that some teachers don’t realize how much responsibility they have. I’m shocked that some teachers don’t realize that the whole point of a school is to nurture the students not the teachers, not the administrators, not the reputation of a school. Schools are instituted to provide education for their students and so their focus should be on providing the best education they can for their students.

Teachers hold so much power over the courses of well, everybody’s lives, and it’s appalling that just as one person, I’ve already seen so much abuse of that power.

I don’t want to get specific because this is, after all, the internet, but I’ve seen racism, personal vendettas, ignorance, and just plain old meanness. And I just cannot comprehend how these people became teachers. How in the world did they step into this profession of all professions with such disrespect for the lives of others?

I understand that teaching is not an easy job. It’s not like it pays millions and there’s a lot of work and energy that goes into it if you want to do it properly. I only have experience tutoring for a few hours at a time and even that is completely exhausting. I understand that teachers are human beings, too. I don’t expect teachers to be flawless and never sin. What I expect is for them to put their prejudices aside and be especially careful in their actions so that they can be good role models and heck, decent human beings.

That’s not to say that I’ve seen all bad teachers. I’ve been very lucky to have had some amazing teachers over the years. When I was going through a rough time in sixth grade, I owe my survival of that time to my Gifted & Talented teacher. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through that year. I’ve had teachers who welcomed me to new schools and got me going on a path that helped me to succeed. I’ve had teachers who’ve encouraged my passions and dreams and supported me to get to where I am today – I mean, getting into Harvard was obviously helped by a few great teachers, but more than just academic accomplishments, I have been shaped by fantastic teachers to become (I hope) a good person.

So to those inspiring incredible teachers, thank you.

For the rest of you, do your job.

Alrighty. So here I am, coming clean about something.

I think I first seriously got into the internet when I was around 11. I say 11, because that’s when Degrassi: The Next Generation came out. I became seriously obsessed with it, even though I didn’t even have the channel to watch it. It doesn’t really make sense why I was so obsessed with it, considering I only got to see part of one episode. But I’m still like that, really – my obsession with Glee is pretty similar. But anyway, the reasons for my obsession is the subject for another post.

So at 11, I was exploring the internet and I knew I had to be careful. I knew that the internet was a scary place where creepy pedophiles would try to kidnap me or somebody would steal my identity. So, my brilliant idea was that I would just make up somebody on the internet to keep me safe. I wouldn’t use my real name and I could create a new person – a girl named Laura.

Initially, the username I picked was grlEgrl, because I really wasn’t much of a girly-girl at the time, and so I figured it could never lead the way to me. Of course, it turned out that I couldn’t fake who I was as a personality anyway, so that was all for naught. Then, for some reason or another, I had to pick a different username, and I think it turned into grlEgrlE? Or it might have been on other websites that required a different length of username or something, I don’t quite remember. And then, for some reason or other, I had to get a new one, and I ended up with lylgrle.

With these usernames, I made friends on the internet, friends that I still remember.

And so, if you happen to be reading this, and you were one of those friends, I sincerely apologize for lying to you. And I want you to know that although I didn’t give my real name, basically everything else was me. But yeah. Hi, my name’s actually Clara, not Laura. And I’d love if you dropped me a line and let me know how you’re doing.

So all those things about the internet being a scary place – totally true. It was so easy to pretend to be this Laura person that I made up. Granted, I didn’t change anything about me except my name, but still. It was super easy. Thankfully, I’m not a creepy pedophile or anything. Just a college girl expounding on her views of the world to nobody in particular.

But this whole thing of anonymity – It’s great in some ways, yes, but it’s also hurtful in others. And I know I’m not treading on new ground here, but the internet really DOES make it easier to be mean. There are so many things that you would NEVER say to a person to their face, but those kind of mean things are posted everywhere on the internet. It’s easy to forget that there are people behind the usernames.

I’ve definitely been hurt by it before. I had just turned 16, that lovely age when, according to novels and movies, all this romance and wonderful adventure is supposed to be happening. (It didn’t.) My mom’s friend had said that I looked a lot like this one Korean actress. And I had just discovered a forum on the internet devoted to Korean entertainment (Soompi – basically like the biggest K-entertainment forum, as far as I know). Now I was pretty new to the whole forum thing and I decided that I would post on Soompi asking if they could see a resemblance to this actress. I Photoshopped a picture of me that had me with makeup on into a picture of her because I thought that would make it easier for people to see if there was a resemblance in the face and not the hair and such. I didn’t realize then the power of Photoshop and makeup, to be honest, as I wasn’t particularly skilled at either, so when people balked at that, I was surprised, but I quickly replaced the picture with an untouched school picture.

Let’s just say that it definitely did NOT do good to a teenage girl’s already unsteady self-esteem to see some of the really mean comments that were posted. A lot of them weren’t bad – a simple sorry that they didn’t see the resemblance was fine. But there were some that were just plain hurtful. One person posted TWICE to say that I was really ugly and that I needed to lose a lot of weight. Another also said that I was stupid for even thinking that I looked a thing like the actress.

Yeah. Not nice.

Eventually, (though too late for my evaporated self-esteem) the topic was closed because of the bashing.

Yeah, I’ve been a silly young girl who was exhilarated by the freedom of the internet. But I really hope that I never forgot my manners and how to just genuinely be a good, nice person.

Words are so hurtful – And just because you’re some random person on the internet does not give you the right to abandon any semblance of compassion and to be mean to people. This includes celebrities – celebrities CAN read what you say. The entertainment industry I’m most familiar with other than American is Korean, and I know that there are serious problems with “netizens” over there.

But this is just general etiquette, guys. You’re a person. Everyone else on the internet is a person, too. They all have feelings and deserve respect.

Because, after all, it’s not like the Golden Rule suddenly has exceptions for the internet. “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

The people of Haiti need your help right now. It’s totally understandable if you’re a poor college student (like me) and you feel like there’s not much you can do, but there IS plenty you can do. Just little small things here and there.

Fox News and the New York Daily News posted a great list of ways to lend a hand, as did Cynical-c Blog.

If you’re on Tumblr, there are several users who are donating a certain amount of money based on how many reblogs they get.

• withoutbren
• clarkkentsalterego
• bschh

Tweet about how to help – Help Haiti, Red Cross, Yele, Donate are all trending right now and the more people know how to help, the better.

And you can use your texting skills as well. You can text “HAITI” to 90999 and $10 will be added to your phone bill and donated to the Red Cross. Or you can text “YELE” to 501501 to send $5 to Yele Haiti (a grassroots movement by Wyclef Jean) to help with earthquake relief.

My heart goes out to everyone who has suffered due to the earthquake.

Hi Michael.

We’ve never met (I don’t think) and we’ve never even talked.

You called the number to the university phone that’s in my suite about an hour ago. My roommate picked up. She thought you had the wrong number, but you said you just wanted somebody to talk to. You said your name was Michael and that you were feeling really sad. My roommate has an exam tomorrow morning and so, said that she really should go to bed but if you would just hold on a second, she could find you a number to call so that you could talk to someone. She thought I was asleep, because my door was closed. But then you hung up.

Michael, we’ve been worried about you. We couldn’t figure out a way to call you back nor who you are, and ever since you called, we’ve called our tutors and tried to figure out if we could do anything to get to you. But we don’t know how to reach you, so we’re stuck.

Michael, I really hope that you found somebody to talk to and that you know that people care about you. If you call again and I’m awake, I’ll pick up the phone and we can talk. But know that there are lots of people out there who would love to talk to you. And who love you.

Michael, today’s the anniversary of the death of one of my best friends. I was actually writing a message to her when you called. And, I really hope you are nowhere near this point, but another friend passed away this past year to suicide, and if you are thinking about it, please please PLEASE remember how many people love you and how deeply they love you. Life is so precious. Losing someone makes you realize how precious life is, and you are worth so much, the world can’t afford to lose you.

If you don’t believe that people love you, just think about us. My roommate and I are complete strangers, but we are so worried about you and we care about you. We hopefully did everything we could to reach you and we don’t know how you got our number or if you were just calling random numbers, but if you call again, we’re here.

There are always people there for you. Please remember that.

I’ve done a little bit of research and here are some helplines:

- 1 (800) SUICIDE – National HopeLine Network
- 800-273-TALK (8255) – National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

- http://www.befrienders.org/ – Michael, this might be exactly what you wanted. Its main goal is to connect you with somebody to listen.

- http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/hotlines/ – A list of hotlines from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
- http://www.focusas.com/Hotlines.html – Another list of hotlines
- http://psychcentral.com/helpme.htm – If you’re having thoughts of suicide

Entry #7 was all about the whole Jaebum scandal that was rocking the internet. I thought it was really bad then, what with talk of peititions calling for suicide, etc.

Well, I woke up this morning, checked some blogs, and learned that Jay has officially left 2PM.

First of all, I think Jay definitely needed to spend some time out of the spotlight. The official position as of yesterday had been that 2PM’s activities would be cancelled and basically, he would just be spending his time out of the public eye. This would’ve given some time for netizens to calm down and for this scandal to go away. I can understand Jay going back to America for a bit just to get out of that harmful environment. But I will be honest, I was disappointed that Jay decided to leave 2PM altogether. Jay was the leader of 2PM, he should be bringing 2PM together, not leaving 2PM behind in fragments. And regardless of whether he was leader or not, I feel like it didn’t require such an extreme action of leaving altogether for Jay to get his career back. If he had just waited it out, things would’ve been fine. And I would still have my whole 2PM to love and fangirl over. I understand what Jay’s doing, but it just struck me as running away, and it made me sad that it affected him to such an extent. But I, of course, may not know all the details, and if Jay felt that leaving the group was going to be best for him, then I support him all the way.

But the issue didn’t stop there.

Apparently, one of the netizens who had revealed the MySpace comments released an apology letter. A lot of the comments that I’ve been reading on the English blogs are saying things about how the apology is weak and some have even been as extreme as saying that the apology won’t be accepted and that netizen should go die.

Hypocritical, now that you think about it, huh?

NOBODY has the right to go tell somebody that they should take their own life. Life is the most precious thing we have and regardless of how horrible you think a person is, you don’t have a right to tell them that they don’t deserve to live. I wonder if any of the people who are telling the netizen to go die have experience somebody close to them dying? By suicide? Yeah, I had a friend pass away just months ago after committing suicide. Do they know what kind of a heartwrenching impact that was? What right do they have to hope for that much pain? That netizen is a PERSON. They have friends and family who care about them.

Telling that netizen to go kill herself is the same thing as the antis who had signed the suicide petition for Jay. It’s the exact same thing. Do these commenters know that netizen personally? No. Do the antis know Jay personally? No. Does either side have a right to demand a death? NO.

Yes, the netizen did wrong. And yes, Jay did wrong, too. But both sides have realized the consequences and have made apologies. Just like with Jay, this all needs to stop at the apology.

What’s done is done, right? That netizen had a hand in starting the controversy with Jay. But lots and lots of people also participated and made it into the big deal it became. That netizen isn’t solely responsible, although she does obviously have SOME responsibility. There’s nothing that can be done to undo her actions, so what needs to be done now is forgive and work towards making sure that netizens realize the consequences that can occur so that this kind of thing will not happen again.

I have to be honest. I’m disgusted with the audacity of people on both sides playing with people’s lives.

I guess this leads to the topic of how vicious the internet can be. Because of the anonymity that the internet provides, people feel like they have the right to say things that they would never dare say in real life. Also added on top of that is that because it’s the internet and it’s communication by the written word, tones may not be conveyed accurately and comments can end up being hurtful.

A less extreme example: I think I was a sophomore in high school when a family friend of mine said that I looked similar to this one female Korean actress. And so I went on to the biggest English internet forum for Korean entertainment and posted a topic with a picture of my head photoshopped onto the body of the actress and put it side-by-side with the original picture. I was relatively new to the internet fandom and I didn’t realize that I shouldn’t have done any Photoshopping at all, even though all I did was turn the head and put it on top. A lot of people were just like, “No. You don’t look like her.” which is fine, though obviously, a little bit hurtful to a 15-year-old girl. But I distinctly remember that there was this one person who posted TWICE saying in all caps how I was REALLY UGLY and things like that. Looking back, whoever that person was, it’s actually more pathetic that she felt the need to come back to the topic more than once and say that I was really ugly. In real life, you would never tell somebody that you don’t even know that they were really ugly with that much emphasis.

Anyway. The internet is full of immature people, and even with anyone, the internet unleashes a different mindset where things can be far more hurtful than it seems.

Regardless, I wish Jay the best of luck and I hope that people on the internet can take this to improve and make sure this doesn’t happen again.

Alrighty.  Now, I mentioned in my intro post how my music tastes are waaaay varied and it depends on what phase I’m in. Well, my Korean pop music phase got into serious overdrive sometime freshman year of high school and I’m still in that phase now (although it’s more of a secondary phase now).

One of my latest obsessions is the Korean boyband 2PM.  They’re talented, hilarious, and of course, very VERY attractive. (I could go on and on about my favorite boy bands…but we’ll save that for another time, yes?)

Apparently, a scandal has erupted in Korea around 2PM’s leader, Jaebum (or Jay Park). Click here to read an article about it. (I linked to Popseoul, because I thought their commentary was fairer than Allkpop’s.) Basically, some years ago, Jay had posted some comments on MySpace where he said “korea is gay” and “i hate koreans”, etc.

So, let’s talk about this.

First of all, I am very very much against using the word “gay” as a derogatory term. “Gay” does not mean stupid or lame or any of those other things. It’s the same thing with the word “retarded.” These words are offensive when people use them in that way. It puts down those who are homosexual or mentally handicapped. I understand that Jay and other teenagers use those words as slang and they don’t mean it that way, but that still doesn’t make it right. When you use the words “gay” and “retarded” to substitute for a negative thing, you are perpetuating an insulting idea that being “gay” or “retarded” is negative, is a bad thing. There should be neither a positive nor a negative connotation with a label of a certain group. It would be the same as saying a certain grade level is negative – You can’t say that 6th graders are bad or that 8th graders are good – What grade level you’re in has nothing to do with whether you’re good or bad. It’s the same with race categories. You can’t say that being a certain race is good or bad; the goodness or badness of a person does not depend on the race of a person.

In that same vein, saying that you hate a group of people is too much a generalization. Especially when the word “hate” is used. Hate is such a strong word; I will admit that I have used that word rashly in my life. And I understand that that word has become used in that manner in common, colloquial speech. However, in terms of public communication, this word should be used very carefully. Jay used this word years ago in what I’m sure was supposed to be a private conversation between him and a friend. Unfortunately, the internet is a scary place and he left it where anybody could find it. And as a public figure, Jay needed to have been more careful. Being in the public eye adds that responsibility. Of course, this does not excuse the misuse of the word by everyday people, but celebrities need to be more careful.

However, I do understand that Jay was young at the time and in a stressful situation. He was in a new country where it kinda feels like he ought to belong, considering he has Korean blood in him, but at the same time, he doesn’t belong because he hadn’t grown up there. He was without family, without his old friends, and without the comforts of being well-acquainted with his environment. And he wrote some of those comments when he was 17. As a teenager, he exaggerated a bit and expressed his discomfort and loneliness in a different way than he really meant. I’m sure he never really meant that he hated Koreans…I mean, he’s Korean himself and his family is Korean…

So some of the netizens went into a frenzy about these MySpace comments and Jay issued an apology. Some netizens then added fuel to the scandal. Apparently, Jay couldn’t sing the Korean National Anthem correctly in some program and some of the netizens jumped on that. From what I gather, there have been some extreme comments against Jay, saying that he should be taken off the show, his career should be over, etc.

Although I do feel that Jay’s MySpace comments were worthy of an apology, I feel that that’s as far as it should go. I’m sure Jay has learned his lesson by now as to how careful he needs to be with his public persona. And how that public persona also needs to include what is on the internet.

But taking it further than that is wrong. The context needs to be remembered. Jay has lived most of his life in America. And while some families maintain the influence of the Korean culture in their lives, some do not. He had less opportunity and less reason to learn the Korean National Anthem. It makes sense.

Going so far as to saying that Jay’s career should be over and that he should be kicked off a show is too extreme, in my opinion. He has apologized and ought to feel remorseful for what he has done. Whether he does actually feel remorse or not, we’ll never know, but regardless, he has certainly learned his lesson that the internet is a dangerous place and that he needs to be careful with his words. He’s a public persona now, and needs to watch what he is doing.

You also can’t attribute the characteristics and actions of one person or a small section of a group to the whole group. With that said, yes, I agree that some Korean netizens take things to the extreme. However, you also can’t make a generalization that all Korean people are like that or that Korea, the country, is like that. I’ve been reading through a lot of the comments on the blogs and there have been several that say things like Korea needs to chill out or that Koreans are always arrogant and things like that. Just as the attacking netizens need to try to think from Jay’s point of view, these commenters on Jay’s side also need to try to think from the netizens’ points of view. The culture is different, certainly. Again, this doesn’t excuse any behavior but rather adds understanding. In Korea, nationalism is very important. Korea is a tiny country that has basically been squashed on for many many years (generalizing, yes). Further generalization: Koreans have needed to band together and be strong to fight against bigger enemies coming to attack. This has translated into fierce national pride, furthered by the very much homogeneous nature of the country’s population. National pride can be a great thing – it’s just that there needs to be more care in that it is put to good use. In this case, I feel that using nationalism as the reason for feeling insult is right up to the apology. Going so far as to call Jay out of the entertainment industry is too extreme. Apparently, when other members of 2PM gave encouraging words to Jay, those netizens attacked the other members as well. The one I read about was that Wooyoung had written that it’s not that Jay is just one person, but that they are a team or something to that effect. From what I gather, Wooyoung never wrote that what Jay did wasn’t wrong. Wooyoung just lent his support to Jay during this hard time. I do not think it was right of those netizens to extend the blame and the negative view onto another whose only intention was to be there for a friend. Of course, this is only applying to those specific netizens who are calling for such extreme actions.

This brings me back to another facet of the issue that bothers me – making generalizations about people based on the actions of a few. I have been asked whether I’m North Korean or South Korean. This always makes me a bit upset and angry. North Korea and South Korea have only been separate countries for a bit over 50 years, yes? I am Korean(-American). North Korea and South Korea are made up of the same people, really. And even if I did have ancestors that came from where North Korea is now, what does it matter? Would that change your opinion of me? I, too, condemn what the government of North Korea has done in the past and is doing now. But I will NOT say that North Korea is made up of evil people or anything like that. Some people in North Korea have done some terrible things. There are people in every country in this world who have done terrible things. This does not mean that a nation as a whole or a whole ethnic group is bad.

Even so, I will say that sometimes stereotypes may hold a grain of truth. As humans, we have a lot of information we need to take care of, and yes, it is easier to manage when we can group things and make broad generalizations about them. Holding stereotypes is, quite frankly, a natural thing to do. However, the important thing is not to let those stereotypes keep you from individually getting to know someone or something. You can’t let it cloud your opinion of something or someone before you even got to know it. For example, say that I generally find that autobiographies are long and boring. That doesn’t mean that all of them are and that doesn’t mean that the autobiography I see on the shelf would be boring to me. Kind of a simplified example, but you get the gist of it.

Basically, my view is that both sides have done wrong. Jay was wrong to have made such comments and to have been careless to leave them up if that’s not what his views are now. The netizens who are bashing Jay and clamoring for Jay to leave the entertainment industry or other such extreme comments were wrong to have looked for any excuse to harm Jay’s image and to ask for such extreme action.

Hopefully this will all be peacefully figured out…

I didn’t get to go to D’s funeral. It was this past Tuesday, and I had exams on Wednesday and on Thursday. Not to mention that I was halfway across the country.

But I haven’t really heard much about it.

This is way different from what happened with A. When A passed away, there was this huge outpouring of support. There was a chain text message in honor of her, we lit candles for her, people organized a memorial at school and the painting of the rock…

None of that this time.

It makes sense, I guess. This wasn’t an accident. Of course, the school doesn’t want to make it look like they’re condoning suicide. And all of us were mostly in shock and it hasn’t really sunk in, so I guess that’s why showing support is so slow. We’re still just really confused. And it’s the second one this year – that also changes the dynamic.

But still.

And I’ve only heard from one person about what the funeral was like. Apparently, it was basically SUPER Jesus-y and then these two random old men came to give speeches. One told his life story for about ten minutes and didn’t mention D at all; the closest thing was about how all his kids went to the same college. And then the other one lectured about how suicide is bad and he said that he had never met D, but he was glad this happened because he hasn’t cried in years, and he cried after this. So he now knows he had a heart. Jeez, it took you the suicide of some stranger to tell you that you had a heart?

Obviously, I am biased because I knew D and because I am hearing this from only one source. But still, this just angers me.

For A’s funeral, I did get to go. That one was also too much Jesus and not enough A, and it seemed like the Reverend officiating didn’t know A at all. But still, everyone else that spoke talked about how A had touched their lives and how fantastic of a person she was.

Not this random stranger business.

Having a lot of religion is fine. Having strong faith can provide great support in times like these. I fully admire those who truly believe and who need their faith to help keep strong, though I am not religious myself. But I disagree when the religion overshadows the whole point of the funeral. I feel like the whole point of the funeral services is to memorialize the one who passed away – to remember all of the great things that she has done, the great person she was. It is NOT to try to convert more people to whichever religion. And D was atheist! Religion playing a huge role in her funeral just doesn’t make sense to me.

This is also why it bothers me that there were those two men who didn’t even know D. What business do you have speaking about somebody you don’t know when she passed away? What good do you do to those who are in pain and suffering? Keep things to yourself and let those who can truly remember her to speak and memorialize her.

And the lecture about how suicide was bad…Please let me know if I have this wrong, but people generally attend funerals because they are in mourning and because they’ve been touched and they loved the deceased. We’re already in pain – don’t you think we realize that suicide is bad? What, do you think that we think suicide is good when it took away somebody we loved?

And saying that suicide is bad, I feel, also carries a negative message about D. And although I don’t agree with what she did, and I am hurt and maybe even angry that she went through with it, I think that at this time, we should be trying to focus on the good things. About how she was smart and funny and so sweet. Not attaching this stigma to her and not painting her as a suicidal girl. She was far more than that. And at her funeral, I think it should be about remembering the good times that we had with her and what a light she shone on our lives.

A lot of people are angry at D for committing suicide. They say that she was selfish and that it was wrong. I admit it, I was angry at her too, for it. How come she didn’t trust any of us to even tell us about it? How come she didn’t think we cared enough about her to want to help? And yeah, in a way, this is an easy way out, leaving the rest of us in pain.

But there’s no point in being angry at a dead person. And more than angry, I am sad that she was in such a position that she felt that way. It’s tragic that she had gotten to such a point that she didn’t see anything in life worth living for. And I wish that I could’ve somehow made her see how precious life is, but it’s too late for that now.

It’s too late for anger or sadness to be of any use anyway – she’s gone. The best thing to do now, I think, is to just remember how lovely of  a person she was. There’s no point in blaming people, there’s no point in spreading rumors about her. Doing all that just vilifies her…and she wasn’t like that.

I don’t know. Throughout all of this, I’m just so confused and I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I’ve been avoiding thinking about it and it’s really easy for me to get absorbed in something else. But then I feel guilty that I haven’t grieved for her right. Bah. It just gives me a headache.

So, I’m a little bit upset.

I wrote in my last post about my friend, D, who committed suicide a little over a week ago.

Well, apparently, that news has been going around, and one of my friends, J, from the city I lived in during middle school posted a LJ entry about how her mom called to ask if she was suicidal. And J went on to say that it was an Asian pre-med frosh who didn’t do so great in her classes and thus committed suicide.

I know J didn’t mean to hurt, and I probably would’ve said the same thing. But I feel like this is just trivializing the matter so much.

D wasn’t like that. Yes, D was an Asian pre-med frosh. That much is true. But to say that she killed herself solely because of not doing so hot in a few classes – that’s just demeaning her character. Even all through high school, we all had some hard times. Hell, our high school was hard. And yes, D cared about classes, but even in high school, if she didn’t do so great, she would be upset, but never overly so. She was not the type to sob if she got a 89%. And to say that that’s what caused her to give up on life – that’s just making her sound like a person who has totally perverted priorities. And she wasn’t like that.

I’m an Asian pre-med frosh, too. And yes, I care about grades, but I would never go to such an extreme of killing myself if I didn’t do well in a class. And neither would D. I can’t pretend to even comprehend, but I know D must have been in tremendous pain to have even considered killing herself, and it must be beyond anything I can understand if she would actually go through with it.

So this brings me to that stereotype. Yes, many pre-meds are Asian. And yes, many of them care ridiculously about grades. And I do think that there are many who have completely missed the point on life and want to be pre-med for the wrong reasons and focus their energies in the wrong direction. I, too, make that generalization that there are those who sacrifice their lives to slaving away for a 4.0 GPA when they don’t even actually want to be doctors, they just want to please their parents or make lots of money and have that status. I have many times before, and probably still will, thought that the majority of kids that are pre-med are in it for the wrong reasons. And I have been angry, because I have thought that many of them are way smarter than me and are willing to do nothing but study, whereas I’m not as smart and I want to do other things, but I want to be a doctor because I truly do want to help people.

But I guess this just shows that you never know, do you? On the outside, they may all seem to be like that. But maybe inside, they are good people and this is just their way of coping with life. And I have no right to judge them about what I think their way of life is, when I don’t even know them. To lay those bare ideas and say that Asian pre-meds are suicidal – that’s just a bundle of logical fallacies, isn’t it?

God, D, I’m sorry that your death has stirred up all of this controversy and that people are making you out to be a person that you’re not. I still don’t understand it. I’m still just so confused and shocked and just frustrated that this doesn’t make any sense to me.

But the important thing is that I love you. And I don’t know if I ever told you that when you were here with me. And I wish that you had known that I love you and that so many of us love you and that you had found that enough to overcome the pain you must have been feeling – But wishing is futile and I guess in this kind of a situation, the best thing to do is to focus on the love that we have for you. There’s no point in stirring up these horrible ideas.

So, D, I love you. I miss you. Rest in peace.

I finally broke down and cried, just cried.

My friend, D, committed suicide two nights ago. I had gone to high school with her and had a lot of classes with her. During freshman year, all the teachers would confuse us for each other (I don’t know why – we DON’T look alike! Just because we were both Asian girls with ponytails…). We suffered through IB together. She was always pushing herself to the limit – she didn’t sleep much at all, and when I was up really late for homework, usually she’d still be up for me to turn to. She loved anime and drawing – she was so talented at art. And she was smart and worked so hard, too. Yeah, we had some tough times. She had a ridiculous courseload and I know her parents pushed her. But I never thought it would come to this.

She went to U of M and I went to H, and I didn’t really talk to her that much this year. And now it’s too late and I won’t get to talk to her ever again.

What happened was that I had just sat down at a computer in the Language Resource Center to watch my movie for Spanish (though I was just about to log in to Facebook) when I got a call from T. I was like, “T!!! I’m in the library! I can’t talk!” but she said that it was important with that tone of voice that just made the panic come up in my throat.

And then she said that she had heard from K that D had committed suicide.

I didn’t believe it. This just doesn’t make sense. Especially since this is the second death this year of one of my friends from my high school graduating class.

That time, it had been December of 2008, and I was at my work in a Psych lab. I was being distracted and being on Facebook when I saw all these Facebook statuses saying RIP A.R. And I was just like, Oh my God, this has got to be a joke. And you see, my phone had been off, because this was right after Thanksgiving Break, where I had left my phone charger at home. And I hadn’t asked my parents to mail it because it was almost Winter Break. So to save battery, my phone was off. So I ran to my phone and turned it on, and I see all these missed calls and texts saying that I should call because it was important.

And then T told me that there had been a car accident and A didn’t make it.

I had to go to the bathroom because I didn’t want people to see me cry. Which kinda failed, because some woman came in while I was trying to tell my mom about what had happened. And then I had to go back and attempt to finish coding the video and joy of joys, people from the Museum of Science were touring the lab and I gave them a weak smile and turned away as quickly as I could.

There are four of us total from my high school graduating class that are in this city. That night was the first night we were all together, after we had gotten here.

We met up in AD’s room and we cried together. We tried to make a video for her on Facebook, and it ended up just being this major cryfest.

I slept over that night (if you can call it sleep) and then somehow or another, I rearranged things, so I could leave early to go on vacation! – Except it was to go to a funeral.

And seeing everybody was just so hard – we were so happy to see each other, but at the same time, it was not for a happy occasion.

Then, the actual funeral. It was open casket, and seeing A’s body was so scary – it didn’t look like she was dead; it looked like she was just sleeping and she would all of a sudden sit up and scream, “HA! Tricked you, didn’t I?” I kept on sneaking glances, but no, she wasn’t moving.

I wanted to give a little speech about her at the actual services, but I didn’t have enough faith in myself that I wouldn’t cry. And instead, I sat through proceedings that in my opinion, were too much Jesus and not enough A. I’m all for Jesus and everything, but the funeral was supposed to be to memorialize A. And it didn’t seem like the Reverend officiating had known A at all – he completely missed the point and spent his time praising Jesus instead of praising A. But T’s speech was so good – and A’s dad had written something – and it all just made me cry and cry, until there were these trails of salt on my coat.

T’s parents gave me a ride home and T’s dad brought to our attention that the only reason A had looked okay enough for an open casket was because they had caked on so much makeup. I hadn’t noticed, but after hearing that, it just scared me even more.

The actual burial was so tough, too. Everybody else had somehow managed to have one single rose of the exact same color. T and I had gone shopping and had bought a giant bouquet of spring flowers that were definitely NOT the same color. We threw it in, plastic wrap and flower food and all. I bet A liked it.

And I spent the rest of break, keeping to myself. And I returned, changed and still waving off questions of whether I was okay. I’m such a bundle of contradictions – on one side, I wanted people to notice that I was in pain, but on the other hand, I didn’t want their pity. And it’s not like they knew how to deal with this.  How do you console somebody who’s lost a friend so young?

But I had managed to live on, but still clinging on by writing on A’s wall and thinking about her.

And then it happened again.

A’s death was hard because it was an accident. D’s death is hard because it wasn’t.

I can’t even pretend to imagine what D must have been going through. How much pain must she have been in to actually go through with killing herself? Having suicidal thoughts, I can understand. Actually going through with it is just beyond what I can comprehend.

Knowing it’s a suicide is bad enough. Coming with that are the questions, whether I could’ve done anything and why didn’t she reach out to someone? Didn’t anybody do anything to help?

But then it’s made worse by the fact that the rumors going around are that it was because of her father. Her father had always been tough on her, I know, but what the rumors are saying is that D got a B in calculus and her dad yelled at her or something. Firstly, that just makes what D did seem so trivial – that she did this because of a B?! And second of all, her dad does not deserve this blame. It’s true, inside, I do emotionally kinda blame him a little bit. And I’m mad at myself for that. And maybe the fight with her dad was a tipping point. But it cannot have been the sole reason. And no matter whether he is to blame or not, don’t you think he’d already be wracked with guilt? He just lost his daughter! He does not deserve the additional pain of having people thinking he’s to blame. And this was done in their home – how horrible must it be to come home to discover that your daughter has killed herself?

And then this is made further worse by the fact that it was so deliberate. D took a bunch of pills, drank a lot of alcohol of some sort, AND locked the door and let the gas run. Three different ways – to ensure that she would die. That is just so terrifying to me. She didn’t give herself even the slightest chance to live. This was so purposeful – and to think that she was at such a low point that she didn’t want even a small opportunity to live – it just terrifies me.

I’m just still so confused. I don’t understand this at all. And I can’t help but be selfish, but think, why the hell is this happening to me? This isn’t fair. I’m too young for this; I shouldn’t have to be joining two RIP groups on Facebook. I’m only 19; I shouldn’t have friends dying. And the fact that there’s two – that’s just unfair. Should I go up to my proctor and just be like, “Hey, what’s up? Oh yeah, by the way, another friend of mine just died.” It hasn’t even been a year since we graduated high school. And our graduating class has just shrunk by two. This shouldn’t be happening.

I don’t even know how to deal with this. I’ve just been pretending like nothing happened and trying to forget about it. And I’d been pretty successful. It wasn’t as hard as it would’ve been, because I was already in a state across the country, so I hadn’t seen them anyway. But I feel guilty about forgetting about it, but I don’t know how to feel about it and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m not equipped to deal with it.

But somehow, I guess I gotta.

D, A, I want to let you know – I love both of you SO much and I miss you both SO much. Words can’t even express how much. Rest in peace, dears. We love you and miss you down here.