I finally broke down and cried, just cried.
My friend, D, committed suicide two nights ago. I had gone to high school with her and had a lot of classes with her. During freshman year, all the teachers would confuse us for each other (I don’t know why – we DON’T look alike! Just because we were both Asian girls with ponytails…). We suffered through IB together. She was always pushing herself to the limit – she didn’t sleep much at all, and when I was up really late for homework, usually she’d still be up for me to turn to. She loved anime and drawing – she was so talented at art. And she was smart and worked so hard, too. Yeah, we had some tough times. She had a ridiculous courseload and I know her parents pushed her. But I never thought it would come to this.
She went to U of M and I went to H, and I didn’t really talk to her that much this year. And now it’s too late and I won’t get to talk to her ever again.
What happened was that I had just sat down at a computer in the Language Resource Center to watch my movie for Spanish (though I was just about to log in to Facebook) when I got a call from T. I was like, “T!!! I’m in the library! I can’t talk!” but she said that it was important with that tone of voice that just made the panic come up in my throat.
And then she said that she had heard from K that D had committed suicide.
I didn’t believe it. This just doesn’t make sense. Especially since this is the second death this year of one of my friends from my high school graduating class.
That time, it had been December of 2008, and I was at my work in a Psych lab. I was being distracted and being on Facebook when I saw all these Facebook statuses saying RIP A.R. And I was just like, Oh my God, this has got to be a joke. And you see, my phone had been off, because this was right after Thanksgiving Break, where I had left my phone charger at home. And I hadn’t asked my parents to mail it because it was almost Winter Break. So to save battery, my phone was off. So I ran to my phone and turned it on, and I see all these missed calls and texts saying that I should call because it was important.
And then T told me that there had been a car accident and A didn’t make it.
I had to go to the bathroom because I didn’t want people to see me cry. Which kinda failed, because some woman came in while I was trying to tell my mom about what had happened. And then I had to go back and attempt to finish coding the video and joy of joys, people from the Museum of Science were touring the lab and I gave them a weak smile and turned away as quickly as I could.
There are four of us total from my high school graduating class that are in this city. That night was the first night we were all together, after we had gotten here.
We met up in AD’s room and we cried together. We tried to make a video for her on Facebook, and it ended up just being this major cryfest.
I slept over that night (if you can call it sleep) and then somehow or another, I rearranged things, so I could leave early to go on vacation! – Except it was to go to a funeral.
And seeing everybody was just so hard – we were so happy to see each other, but at the same time, it was not for a happy occasion.
Then, the actual funeral. It was open casket, and seeing A’s body was so scary – it didn’t look like she was dead; it looked like she was just sleeping and she would all of a sudden sit up and scream, “HA! Tricked you, didn’t I?” I kept on sneaking glances, but no, she wasn’t moving.
I wanted to give a little speech about her at the actual services, but I didn’t have enough faith in myself that I wouldn’t cry. And instead, I sat through proceedings that in my opinion, were too much Jesus and not enough A. I’m all for Jesus and everything, but the funeral was supposed to be to memorialize A. And it didn’t seem like the Reverend officiating had known A at all – he completely missed the point and spent his time praising Jesus instead of praising A. But T’s speech was so good – and A’s dad had written something – and it all just made me cry and cry, until there were these trails of salt on my coat.
T’s parents gave me a ride home and T’s dad brought to our attention that the only reason A had looked okay enough for an open casket was because they had caked on so much makeup. I hadn’t noticed, but after hearing that, it just scared me even more.
The actual burial was so tough, too. Everybody else had somehow managed to have one single rose of the exact same color. T and I had gone shopping and had bought a giant bouquet of spring flowers that were definitely NOT the same color. We threw it in, plastic wrap and flower food and all. I bet A liked it.
And I spent the rest of break, keeping to myself. And I returned, changed and still waving off questions of whether I was okay. I’m such a bundle of contradictions – on one side, I wanted people to notice that I was in pain, but on the other hand, I didn’t want their pity. And it’s not like they knew how to deal with this. How do you console somebody who’s lost a friend so young?
But I had managed to live on, but still clinging on by writing on A’s wall and thinking about her.
And then it happened again.
A’s death was hard because it was an accident. D’s death is hard because it wasn’t.
I can’t even pretend to imagine what D must have been going through. How much pain must she have been in to actually go through with killing herself? Having suicidal thoughts, I can understand. Actually going through with it is just beyond what I can comprehend.
Knowing it’s a suicide is bad enough. Coming with that are the questions, whether I could’ve done anything and why didn’t she reach out to someone? Didn’t anybody do anything to help?
But then it’s made worse by the fact that the rumors going around are that it was because of her father. Her father had always been tough on her, I know, but what the rumors are saying is that D got a B in calculus and her dad yelled at her or something. Firstly, that just makes what D did seem so trivial – that she did this because of a B?! And second of all, her dad does not deserve this blame. It’s true, inside, I do emotionally kinda blame him a little bit. And I’m mad at myself for that. And maybe the fight with her dad was a tipping point. But it cannot have been the sole reason. And no matter whether he is to blame or not, don’t you think he’d already be wracked with guilt? He just lost his daughter! He does not deserve the additional pain of having people thinking he’s to blame. And this was done in their home – how horrible must it be to come home to discover that your daughter has killed herself?
And then this is made further worse by the fact that it was so deliberate. D took a bunch of pills, drank a lot of alcohol of some sort, AND locked the door and let the gas run. Three different ways – to ensure that she would die. That is just so terrifying to me. She didn’t give herself even the slightest chance to live. This was so purposeful – and to think that she was at such a low point that she didn’t want even a small opportunity to live – it just terrifies me.
I’m just still so confused. I don’t understand this at all. And I can’t help but be selfish, but think, why the hell is this happening to me? This isn’t fair. I’m too young for this; I shouldn’t have to be joining two RIP groups on Facebook. I’m only 19; I shouldn’t have friends dying. And the fact that there’s two – that’s just unfair. Should I go up to my proctor and just be like, “Hey, what’s up? Oh yeah, by the way, another friend of mine just died.” It hasn’t even been a year since we graduated high school. And our graduating class has just shrunk by two. This shouldn’t be happening.
I don’t even know how to deal with this. I’ve just been pretending like nothing happened and trying to forget about it. And I’d been pretty successful. It wasn’t as hard as it would’ve been, because I was already in a state across the country, so I hadn’t seen them anyway. But I feel guilty about forgetting about it, but I don’t know how to feel about it and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m not equipped to deal with it.
But somehow, I guess I gotta.
D, A, I want to let you know – I love both of you SO much and I miss you both SO much. Words can’t even express how much. Rest in peace, dears. We love you and miss you down here.