Honest writing is so difficult.
Allowing your once guarded heart to bleed through the pages, vulnerable to the attacks of others is no easy task. I’m becoming convinced that transparency and honesty in life are two priceless keys needed to open most doors in life. Regardless, I don’t think I’ve ever held these keys, at least never for very long.
I write this today because I see it as necessary for the continued growth and development in my life.
I have to clear the air: this past year of my life has consisted of the most turbulent, stressful, awful and heartbreaking moments of all my time on this Earth.
As some of you may know, I was in a somewhat serious relationship with someone. It seems like just yesterday when it all came crumbling down but, in reality, it’s been just over a year since it ended. She was my first love and continues to be my only love but I won’t get into the details of the relationship, that will remain confidential and between us. I will say though, for my part in things, a lot of mistakes were made. With maturity, clarity and humility on my part many of the problems could have been avoided but still- they happened anyways.
Moments that make your heart race, for good and for bad. Sleepless nights. Meaningless fights. Conversations that lasted hours.
Smiles. Laughter.
Tears. Sadness.
Memories that live forever. These are just some thoughts that come to mind when I look back on my first foray into the relationship world.
I’m not sure about the rest of you but for me, emotional pain tends to cut deeper than any knife could ever possibly reach. What I chose to do with the pain that I felt going into 2012 was nothing but poisonous and damaging to my future. I need to confess a few things:
I’m sure you get the point by now. 2012 was not a very fruitful year. In fact, it was without a doubt the worst of them all. But there is a silver lining- there has been progress. I have learned from the mistakes of the past and used them to propel myself into a brighter future.
Now I’ve said all of this to give a proper perspective as to where I’ve been and where I’m at right now but I haven’t even touched on what is really the most pressing issue. I’ve been so afraid of sounding like a broken record, so I understand if this post elicits several groans.
I’m still in contact with that same person, hanging out occasionally and all. It’s nice, for the most part, but we both know it can’t last like this. Like a shiatsu massage, I oftentimes can’t tell if it feels more good than painful. We’ve been more on and off then a light switch but one thing hasn’t really changed: we still hold strong feelings for each other. I’m trying to be as honest as possible here when I say I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing anymore. It’s against my nature to give up on what I love most but I also know that if something doesn’t change soon, it probably won’t end well. So friends, I ask for your thoughts and your prayers. I really need some clarity on this situation, I’m lost and I need a sense of direction to get myself out of this mess and to a better place. I don’t see this as a sign of weakness anymore, I’m no longer afraid to tell the world that I need a helping hand. I can’t do this alone. Friends to talk to and encourage me are more valuable than gold to me.
Finally, if you call yourself my friend- please do not encourage me to engage in unhealthy or damaging habits. If you do, knowing my struggles, you’re not really my friend. True friends care about the well being of their loved ones. I’m really striving to continue down this path because I know it’s the right one for me. Thank you all for continuing to be there for me. I appreciate all of you.
Always remember: Who you are is not where you’ve been.
Chris
I received a visit from a diplomat of the cockroach army in my bedroom last night. This little guy had the nerve to scurry around my countertop like he owned the place. I wasn’t going to have it, not in the middle of my extremely angst-ridden O.C. episode.
I went for the nearest weapon I could find, a bottle of peanuts, and attempted to smash the guy to a million gooey pieces. But this was no ordinary cockroach, he was fast. Like bit by a radioactive Kenyan fast.
The cockroach ran to the edge of my desk and somehow fell right onto my backpack and hid himself in one of its dark corridors. Now I was in a true pickle, my cockroach-phobia was kicking in.
There were so many dark pockets that this little Osama Bug Laden* could be hiding out in. He may have won the battle and he will most probably win the war as well.
I’ve given up the pursuit. Let him hide. We can coexist peacefully, right?
*This is what you should have pictured in your mind’s eye:
This was supposed to be MY summer. I want to make that loud and clear to anybody reading out there- I should be rocking my six pack of abdominals and cruising in the Chris-mobile (synonymous with Delorean) by now.
But things didn’t go according to plan this time (do they ever?)
Life threw a few unexpected haymakers: I landed a job where the hardest part of my day is getting out of my chair to refill my cup of water, Taco Bell continued to seduce me with their latest dorito-taco frankenstein creation and other things like “tuition” and “my human need to survive” got in the way of the car buying.
Well, it’s July and it looks like my goal sheet so far this summer is filled with broken dreams, lies and empty promises. But I refuse to make any Juh-lies this time.
“Juh-lies”- Mid-year promises that everyone makes to themselves to get on the right track from failing at their previous New Year’s Resolutions.
Making and setting goals is half the battle, it sets off a wonderful feeling in the human mind; igniting and fueling our capacity to change. But for most of us lazy Americans, that short high is ALL the battle.
We’re done. We’re pooped. We’re thinking Arby’s (That 3-cheese & bacon sandwich is the absolute definition of American freedom)
This summer, don’t be a Juh-liar. I believe America is close to hitting its quota. It’s actually science.
I'd like to network with media and business professionals and connect with prospective employers who share the same dream and vision. I am to eventually find employment in an environment that is perfectly suited for my creative abilities to thrive.
Duties include: running audio/video during student center events, assisting with any technical needs for the video games or the televisions. Closing the center and locking up all furniture. Keeping inventory of all items in center.
Handled billing issues, programming changes and technical support for Dish customers as well as sold hundreds of premium packages, leading team in sales.
Customer relations for clients with Staples, RadioShack, Circuit City, Sears with a 98% efficiency rate.
Technical support for Laptops, Desktops, Printers, Faxes, E-Readers, Cell Phones with an average handle time of 7.5 minutes.
Developed and edited several promotional spots for the University.
Audio responsibilities with Miss Oklahoma 2010 and Miss Teen Oklahoma 2010.
Handled camera duties during several speaking engagements including three high school graduations.
Traveled to the BOK Center to grip for the camera technicians during the Tulsa Shock WNBA games.
Handled parabolic audio and gripping responsibilities during high school sporting events.