Honest writing is so difficult.
Allowing your once guarded heart to bleed through the pages, vulnerable to the attacks of others is no easy task. I’m becoming convinced that transparency and honesty in life are two priceless keys needed to open most doors in life. Regardless, I don’t think I’ve ever held these keys, at least never for very long.
I write this today because I see it as necessary for the continued growth and development in my life.
I have to clear the air: this past year of my life has consisted of the most turbulent, stressful, awful and heartbreaking moments of all my time on this Earth.
As some of you may know, I was in a somewhat serious relationship with someone. It seems like just yesterday when it all came crumbling down but, in reality, it’s been just over a year since it ended. She was my first love and continues to be my only love but I won’t get into the details of the relationship, that will remain confidential and between us. I will say though, for my part in things, a lot of mistakes were made. With maturity, clarity and humility on my part many of the problems could have been avoided but still- they happened anyways.
Moments that make your heart race, for good and for bad. Sleepless nights. Meaningless fights. Conversations that lasted hours.
Memories that live forever. These are just some thoughts that come to mind when I look back on my first foray into the relationship world.
I’m not sure about the rest of you but for me, emotional pain tends to cut deeper than any knife could ever possibly reach. What I chose to do with the pain that I felt going into 2012 was nothing but poisonous and damaging to my future. I need to confess a few things:
- I personally executed a plan to vandalize a guy’s car out of pure jealous rage and lied about it to cover it up. To any of you that I lied to, I apologize sincerely but I was too afraid of revealing the truth. And for that I am ashamed.
- I tried to mask all of my internal struggles with the thin blanket of alcohol and shallow friendships. Both of which will leave you empty and alone at the worst of times.
- I spent every weekend and several weekdays planning or spreading the word about the next party (opportunities to kill brain cells and momentarily forget the pain), only further delaying any actual progress or healing in my life.
- I showed zero respect for women and most of my actions in that arena were motivated by a desire to “get back” at someone.
- I destroyed any belief I had in God based on the sole assumption that if He were real, He would have never let this happen to me.
- Several of these habits took a toll on my school (not graduating on time) and my jobs (excessive absenteeism, poor performance, etc).
I’m sure you get the point by now. 2012 was not a very fruitful year. In fact, it was without a doubt the worst of them all. But there is a silver lining- there has been progress. I have learned from the mistakes of the past and used them to propel myself into a brighter future.
- I haven’t had a sip of alcohol in three months now. This is a much bigger accomplishment than it sounds. Best decision I’ve made in a while.
- I’ve been blessed with my first supervisor position in the coolest hang out spot on ORU’s campus.
- I have a restored sense of purpose and a fresh outlook on God that I am finding to be beneficial to my life.
- I am confident that this is only the beginning; there is a bright future ahead of me.
Now I’ve said all of this to give a proper perspective as to where I’ve been and where I’m at right now but I haven’t even touched on what is really the most pressing issue. I’ve been so afraid of sounding like a broken record, so I understand if this post elicits several groans.
I’m still in contact with that same person, hanging out occasionally and all. It’s nice, for the most part, but we both know it can’t last like this. Like a shiatsu massage, I oftentimes can’t tell if it feels more good than painful. We’ve been more on and off then a light switch but one thing hasn’t really changed: we still hold strong feelings for each other. I’m trying to be as honest as possible here when I say I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing anymore. It’s against my nature to give up on what I love most but I also know that if something doesn’t change soon, it probably won’t end well. So friends, I ask for your thoughts and your prayers. I really need some clarity on this situation, I’m lost and I need a sense of direction to get myself out of this mess and to a better place. I don’t see this as a sign of weakness anymore, I’m no longer afraid to tell the world that I need a helping hand. I can’t do this alone. Friends to talk to and encourage me are more valuable than gold to me.
Finally, if you call yourself my friend- please do not encourage me to engage in unhealthy or damaging habits. If you do, knowing my struggles, you’re not really my friend. True friends care about the well being of their loved ones. I’m really striving to continue down this path because I know it’s the right one for me. Thank you all for continuing to be there for me. I appreciate all of you.
Always remember: Who you are is not where you’ve been.