CHRIS LOCKE
Comedian on the go.
My Twitter Stream- My YouTube
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Tweets
- Is this a picture of the moon or @gilberttim's butter chicken roti? http://t.co/lCnieLTcUO
- #FF @jameshartnett @gilberttim @thegreatgatsby @AaronEves @kathophillips @dineenporter Great Joke writers from #torontoMay 17, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- RT @gilberttim: I smoke crack all the timeMay 17, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- I call the movie Serpico, 'Serps.' Peace.May 17, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- "I know it was you, Fredo. is that cool?" - Insecure Godfather.May 17, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- "Hellooooo Nurse!" - Me 24/7May 16, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- @idiotgallant That's too true!
- RT @idiotgallant: The big reason I don't wear earrings is because I can't see them.May 16, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- "We gotta get these motherf**kin' snakes off this motherf**kin' plane cause we're here! We've landed in beautiful Pa-ree!" - Snakes In ParisMay 16, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Thanks @jengrantcomedy! It's the truth.
- "Shop at Joe's Fart House!" - my impression of every commercial.
- I don't believe in ghosts but I DO believe in mean angels.May 15, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- A man who waits for the bus at a stop a block away from the station is in league with the devil. WALK TO THE STATION.
- Mornin'. http://t.co/zMezoTB2AaMay 15, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- @JordanFoisy Squirrels are always rubbing it in our faces, am I right?
- May 14, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- RT @GracingTheStage: IF I quickly rewrite post I mistakenly wiped, I'll see @chrislockefun's show http://t.co/UmhGCEDYJm w/ @kathophillips …May 14, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- @jengrantcomedy Man, if I was in Heaven right now I'd be eating Hollandaise sauce with Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison. That's so cool.May 14, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- @jengrantcomedy Famous last words.
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Uploads
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Posts
Dick joke at The Daryn Jones Show, Humber College & Explaining dick joke to Daryn afterwards.
New website! http://burgerjohns.com/
New funnyordie: http://funnyordie.com/burgerjohns
New Twitter: https://twitter.com/BurgerJohns
- Found Old Set List from April 20, 2008. Picnicface Show in Halifax.
- Beatbox/Rap
- Gangster Intro
- Peru
- Banana House
- Shoppers Mags
- Big Bag Of Chips
- Big Ol’ Tree
- Tv Station I.D.s
- Loser Train
- Little Magician
- Where I’m From
Rooftop Comedy is a great resource for new and great comedy. I got some vids up there form the SF Sketchfest and more.
- Thoughts To Torture Myself #2
“I got one of those Pilot Light Jerk Dogs. You know, one of those breeds of dog that always blows out the pilot light on your gas stove? I didn’t know why they called them that but now I do.”
A Sci-Fi writer tries to act in an adaptation of his own work but really he just drives the director crazy.
Starring Chris Locke, Nathan Fielder, and Leslie Gottlieb. Directed & EDITED BY Derek Horn.- Thoughts To Torture Myself #1
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Unfortunately we have become stuck in the sky and will have to start a new society in the clouds. Also, whatever relationship you’re in right now doesn’t count anymore.”
- Better Ways To Say Doggystyle.
Everyone likes the sexual position of doggystyle. It’s decent. Feels alright. But I don’t like using the term doggystyle to describe it. So I made a quick list of some way better ways to say you’re doing it in that position:
Monkey Huggin’
Letter ‘h’ style
Table and Chair style
Butt Conducting
The Heimdick Maneuver
The “Gotcha! Come here, you.”
The Mahogany Desk
The Buttler
- The Grid weekly column. Harshtags.
Hey guys,
I have a new weekly humour column with my friend Ennis Esmer for http:/thegridto.com
It goes into print every Thursday but you can follow it online too.
Here’s the link:
http://www.thegridto.com/timewasters/harshtags/
Please check it out and enjoy life!
- Torontoist Article.
Hey everyone,
Mikey Kolberg wrote a nice article about my stand up and some shows I had coming up. Please check it out and think it’s nice. Thanks.
http://torontoist.com/2011/04/chris_locke_craves_broader_audience_better_meals.php
- Things I Overheard During An Ice Storm
“Oh poop, I forgot about this kind of weather.”
“Ice-tastic! Just kidding. Ice-shit.”
“Now all we need is Ting and some beef patties, Ya feel me?”
“Check it out, that bus is going to get a coffee… Oh wait, it’s actually crashing into Starbucks. I’ll have a grande accident, please. Ha ha. I should be a comedian.”
“My baby just slid into the sewer.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9rN4w1MXO4
“I’m calling the Mayor! Hello, Mayor, I do not pay you for ice storms!”
“Sheesh!”
“Hey you kids! Stop skating on my lawn!”
“Ow, I slipped and cracked open my head. There’s blood everywhere. No one’s listening to me. I’m talking to myself. How embarrassing.”
- Remembering Humph.
Photo of Graham Wagner and Humphrey Bogart courtesy Warner Bros.
Before Humphrey Bogart died of lung cancer at the age of 34, he was blazing through Hollywood pictures like a cigarette house smoking itself to death. Gentlemen of all ages were rushing to the theatre to watch Bogey push a dame, slurp up some whiskey, and poke the barrel of a pistol out of the fly of his trousers. I was scrutinizing the classic, High Sierra, the other day and it hit me how stupid old this goddamned thing was. Every single person in the film acted like a dork that would get laughed out of our clubhouse today. But there was Humphrey Bogart in the middle of all these dead great-grandparents in his itchy trousers acting like a pickle in a fedora. The men of that era are long gone. And to illustrate that point I’ve collected the best quotes by Bogey from his best flicks. Enjoy!
“I’m not emotional you daffy dame, bird brain. Where you going? Let me hit you.”
“For a dame, you sure do act like you got a big wang.”
“I wouldn’t give you two cents for a dame that doesn’t act like a bro.”
“I can’t believe I’m actually taking a bath with a dame.”
“When you’re slapped, you’ll take it and like it… I love you so much.”
“There’s kids looking at us, kid.”
“You’re a slut.”
“Even though I’m standing you can still sit in my lap. Don’t act like I’m weird.”
“I’m going to put mustard on my cigarette.”
“I’m the punch-yourself-in-the-teeth-with-brass-knuckles type.”
“I don’t trust anybody - especially women! Can I have some boob, though?”
(To his cigarette) “Light yourself again, Sam.”
- A Perfect Cast.
The other day I was fishing through my cardboard box of rank DVDs and I found the troutiest of them all, The Perfect Storm! Man, it’s just a movie about a bunch of guys going, “I love you so much, babe. See you soon.” And then, “Drat.” They drown like trapped rats. “Captain, you blockhead!” A very gripping tale of intrigue and hurricanes. Plus, there’s no intrigue. The thing that I was all about the most was the star-studded cast. Holy! Why didn’t you tell me?
Check it out:
George Clooney (ER, Michael Clayton)
Mark Wahlberg (The Departed, Four Brothers)
John C. Reilly ( Boogie Nights, Gangs Of New York)
Andy Stoodle (Cranston’s Choice, Tornadable)
Ted Steak (Nothing But Gun, Paint It Taupe)
John P. C. W. (If I Could Only Talk To You From Heaven, Horse Fighter)
Roon Tabor (Army Thanks, Scooped On Up)
Allison Socks (Lil’ Miss Champion, Duncan the Fun Pumpkin)
And
Cake Vicci (Plumage, Guess Who’s Toothbrush This Is?)
See what I mean?
