catiecat

This post is long overdue. Honestly, I've been trying this past week to sit down and write but words and thoughts don't stream into my mind. It was as if something died inside of me. Yeah, I think something did.

Do you believe in superstitions? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I woke up on a Wednesday morning after a dream of my teeth falling out. Dreaming about teeth especially if you lose them would mean that someone close to you or of with great importance will die. I didn't bother and forgot about the dream.

Monday night, I saw a post on facebook regarding the death of two Ateneans that are in my batch. I instantly thought they were victims of the Typhoon Sendong that struck Cagayan de Oro. Initially, I thought - until I saw their names. One of them was a Patrick. Patrick. That name stabbed my gut. It just can't be. There were a lot of Patricks in our batch for sure. This one's different. It's not him.

Funny how life fucks you when you least expect it. A friend messaged me on facebook this Tuesday night telling me that the Patrick I knew died yesterday, Monday and that he was on a coma since last Wednesday. Multiple Organ Failure. No idea what happened to him and why he ended up that way. So it was really him. Forgive me for being selfish but it really was MY Michael Cera-clone. 

You know how in mangas and animes, the soul of a character leaves his/her body after a horrible experience? I really felt that. Fuck. Initial thought after reading that message. I confirmed what happened when my friend called, explaining what he knew and shocking me even more that Michael Cera-clone will be cremated on Thursday already.

I can't tell you how frustrated I am that night. I'm in Bicol. Eight hours away from Manila and I have work tomorrow. A part of me wants to hop on the next bus trip and attend the wake or even the interment. Mom didn't like the idea though. I don't know. All I remember was that I cried to sleep that night and I was trying hard to keep it together while I was attending the 4:00 AM Simbang Gabi the next day. Next thing I knew, I was sitting in the bathroom, bawling my eyes out while I'm taking a shower to prepare for work.

Wednesday. That Wednesday was hell. I can't work properly. Can't even laugh or smile normally at people just becuase I feel so down. And the irony of things, we scheduled our office party that night. How on earth will I enjoy the party when my mind is on a Chapel in Manila? Weary and tired, I put on a smile and drank and drank and drank. Just so I can forget andnumb myself while enjoying the company I had for that night. It would be unfair if I show up and sulk in a corner. Still, I can't just forget about him completely. Honestly, I don't know if I can.

It's now December 24. Christmas Eve. And I see his face on a couple of profile pictures in facebook. I feel so tired and empty all over again. To be honest, I never gave up on him. I never did.

October 15, 2010 was the last time I saw him in campus. I remember how that week gave me hope since they told me he were interested in me too. November 15, 2010 was when I learned that he's not returning to school anymore. I waited and waited. Wished that I would see him again. June 11, 2011. I saw him again of all places I would expect to see him. I saw him in Megamall. Hahaha. You see, for me Megamall = Him. It's not my favorite mall just for nothing.

I knew I should've ran after him and then tell him how I feel all this time. How I love him and I miss him and punch him for going so far away. Yes I can be a violent person to people I love. I never did those things and now I will forever regret those moments of cowardice.

He was supposed to be my Blue Rose. My One Great College Love. Sadly all those things are now just in my huge regret box in my mind.

I want to visit you. I want to bring flowers and say my goodbyes. I want to tell you how I liked you for almost four years and loved you for almost two. Of how much I miss you that it hurts and I would always break down and cry whenever I see your picture. 

I love you Bleeker. 

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I finally submitted my application forms to my priority schools. Now all I have to do is study my ass off, get admitted and die another lifetime for that thing called Law Degree. So help me God.

Getting tired of the drama between everyone. I think I'll just sit back and observe things from my yellow couch. Seriously. I give up.

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I left home quite late today since I woke up later than usual. It was drizzling a bit so I was waiting for a ride outside our gate. There weren't many tricycles passing by our area so I had to wait, staring at my watch and getting more and more annoyed since I'm going to be late for work AGAIN. After a few seconds a tricycle stopped and I saw that a passenger's occupying the seat already. Said passenger was a guy. - a college student in his uniform, and he was wearing glasses. 

He's cute and I stared. YES. I stared at him and then blinking I told the driver my destination. Glasses Boy got out of the trike smiling, offering me the inner seat of the side car (perhaps so that I won't get wet :'D) and I can't help but smile. A gentleman Cate! HE'S A BLOODY GENTLEMAN YO! Sadly the driver said he's going to a different direction and mentiond Glasses Boy's school. The college Glasses Boy was attending is really in an off direction from my work place. Too bad Glasses Boy. I bet I would've had the courage to talk to you given that the driver agreed. 

Lunch. I went home and told my mom about that peculiar morning. She was laughing telling me that I was a cradle snatcher and Glasses Boy is probably from the neighborhood, maybe even a border living next door and she's going to disown me if I happen to marry someone from the neighborhood. Mom. WHAT. I just happen to notice that he's cute okay. And omfg I'm only 20, how can I be a cradle snatcher?!? lol. 

Still I'm hoping that he'll wait for a ride in front of our house tomorrow morning. See, cause he already knows where I live. ;) :laughs:

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On the side note. I recieved a confirmation e-mail from the3six5 saying that they accepted my application form as a 2012 author! The 3six5 project is really inspiring seeing how different people live their lives in different ways 365 days a year. I'm really excited for this project since my goal for 2012 would be to get back on my writing. My date will be on June 15, 2012. :)

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I am craving for them. Honestly. Altough I can't do anything about it since they're not selling it here in my hometown. /sadface

It really is complicated when you get drawn into other people's problems just because you are a tad bit nosy. Have to admit it was my fault there. I didn't like what I learned when I asked around. Especially if you thought... *sighs deeply*

Yo. Who are you really? You seem so far away and from what I heard, I have developed this split image of your personality. Not that I have the right to judge you or anything.

It's just deep in the corner of this girl's mind - she just wants to reach you and get to know you. Is it too late already? Should I give up?

dammit duck. 

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Nope. Just Kidding. Picture is not relevent to the post. So. Yeah.

I had to work undertime today. I'm really not feeling well and have been coughing like crazy since last night. I had to leave work at around 3:30 since boss was talking to someone and I have to wait for them to finish so that I can ask her if I can go home early. Which is kind of a good thing ( in a way. still justifying my reason to leave early XD) since I wasn't doing anything in the office and I might fall asleep if I stayed there all afternoon. 

Gah. Tomorrow it's wake up early and get ready for work day again. I mean you kind of get used to it but the weather's just perfect for sleeping in. Bummer.

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I'm currently reading this anthology inspired by the most daunting stories of star-crossed lovers in literature. This book just drew me in when I first saw it in the bookstore plus it was edited by George R. R. Martin and Gardner Dozois. Fuck allowance. I just grabbed the book and headed to the cashier.

I just want to clarify that this post is not a book review although I can say that I am raving about the beautiful and hypnotizing short stories compiled in this book. I would also go as far as to say to you, reader of this post, to get yourself a copy. The stories are a mixture of science fiction, fantasy, and romance with the right amount of angst you get from reading stories about ill-fated couples that have to struggle against magic and fate. Ugh. I want to slap myself. Okay this is not a book review because if it is, then I would really have to sit down on it and review each and every story written in this book. I want to do that really but work is calling me. /sadface

Reading this book made me want to take up that writing dream again. The stories inspired me to craft something with a theme similar to the book; the star-crossed lovers centering the story. Although, the plot I have in mind wouldn't end up in a happy note. I'm currently working on the plot holes and the different elements that I want to utilize in the story since the setting would be Manila. This is a big project for me since it would be my first official story since I've given up my writing stint and I have to admit I've become a bit rusty in some places. The story will definately be posted here in Galactic Musical Frissons but it would probably be by next year. :)

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I saw this interesting tumblr called Metro Manila Missed Connections.

It's like post secret but localized in Metro Manila so there's a wee bit higher chance that the person you want to connect with can see it. (Pity though if the said person is not a fan of social networking sites and the like) Yeah I feel your pain. He's just like that.

Since this site isn't visited much by people I know. I think it's safe to post it here.

I raise this glass to the boy who they say looks like Nick O'Leary from Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist. This glass is for you for being The One Who Got Away. For inspiring that post secret and the mixes. 

I see you in campus with your mac, your hipster glasses and your wavy hair. You made me want to join your org but I don't have the endurance to pass so I just resulted to bumping into you when you guys host events. You'd look at my direction and we would exchange awkward glances. It came to a point where I thought that this is all there is to it. I made that post secret to vent out my feelings because I was on the verge of giving up on you. Then something happened. You saw it. Asked around. Found out it was me. And said to your friend that you want to introduce yourself to me and get to know me. I was on Cloud 9 when I found out about that. 

Stoked and Sad. You went out of the country for the break and I waited patiently for the next sem to start. I waited and waited. But you didn't come back. Disappeared. No one knows the exact details except that you're in a city-state and won't be coming back to school. When I learned about it from your friends, I made a mix.  But I guess you'll never hear it.

Sometimes I wonder if I ran out of patience and made the first move. Would things be different from the way they were? 

There were so many things I wanted to tell you that I'll never get around to. Even now they're still going on that I just wish I could tell you about. Like how I just love your nickname. Like how I was inspired to make mixes about you. Like how a part of me hates that city-state. Like how you would have been my Blue Rose.

And like how I wished that you’ll be the Paulie to my Juno, the Nick to my Sheeni, the Scott to my Ramona and the Nick to my Norah. I may never have the chance to tell you these things because the most important question isn't answered yet: Where in the world are you?

So cheers to the boy. Wherever you are. I hope you take care of my heart.

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Disclaimer: This idea struck me when I was work. Hate it when that happens since I can't work on it immediately.

Closing time, open all the doors and let you out into the world

Closing time, turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl

This song is currently my LSS. Yes I do feel musical frissons when I hear this song. Maybe it's the clarity of the melody, or the rifts in the guitars or maybe it's because of the simplicity of the lyrics. That it just somewhat tugs your heart.

Closing time, one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer

Closing time, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here

Perhaps it really is the lyrics of the song that made me like it so much. It speaks of real moments in life. Where you are forced to leave a place just because they're closing up. Such places like coffee shops, fast food restaurants or maybe clothing stores. 

I know who I want to take me home.

There would always be something pulling you back - making you regret from leaving that place, even if there really is no particular reason to stay. You just feel that you don't want to leave. And yet - you have to.

Closing time, time for you to go out to the places you will be from

Closing time, this room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters come

Could it possibly be the comfort that cup of coffee provides you? Or maybe that crisp laundry scent of new clothes? Or, or, maybe it's because of those sundaes and fries that is just a walk away to the counter. 

So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits, I hope you have found a friend.

Closing time, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

But we're always, always forced to leave. Walk out the doors and continue on with whatever adventure comes afterwards. I have to ask, did you ever try looking back to where you stayed for the past 2 hours just so you can pass time? Did you take a peek at the closed doors of that coffee shop?

I know who I want to take me home

I tried that once and I saw the employees packing up, arranging racks, wiping mugs, bussing their tables - I saw that time still moves even if you already left that place. It would only stop if everyone left already. That got me wondering what if we stayed after closing time.

Closing time, time for you to go out to the places you will be from

What if you stayed after the closing time because you're waiting for someone? And that person will take you home. You're not supposed to go home yet but since you're not supposed to stay in that place either. Would waiting for that someone cause you to have a different adventure for that night? Probably.

I know who I want to take me home

I want a moment like that. Staying after closing time to wait for someone since time hasn't stopped for us. So that as the night brings forth a brand new day you're still on your feet and your hand in someone else's. And you knew - yes you knew that it's a new beginning. Another chance to stay after closing time.

Closing time, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

So what now? Will you  fall in love with that cute Barista from Starbucks or the good-looking one from Seattle's. ;)

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