bdgangel

8-21-09

you long for understanding

the rain falls around her
when you are without her
it dampens your soul.

she's right, you think she's it
you know she's completely legit
her confessions of deception
only confirm the truth.

you see she is choked by lies
they make her shift and scared.
but these are not her lies.

instead you are the one
causing misunderstanding.
instead you are the one
who is misunderstood.
but you are the one
who let's her think you are good.

the blue of the rain
and the brown of the earth.
you pick up old filth
that had been washed away.

she sees you through the droplets
as someone of innocence.
she leans on you in the darkness
as someone who has sense.

and when her tender arms pull you close
and when her face is buried in your chest
it feels real. and you are.

but that understanding that comes
is merely a taste of who you should be.
what she sees in you is a shadow,
a shadow of what He made you.

for she misunderstands what erodes you
the hook in your nose that controls you.
that which drowns your soul and frowns your smile.

you long for understanding
so you'll know her shifting
you long for understanding
so she'll find what she's missing.

you. you're missing.
so find yourself in the Lord.
go find the integral you.
you said it, so allow it, since
you long for understanding.

(written 4-27-09)
Heidi and I are physically closer than i'd ever thought possible way back in the day. she is amazing. but Korea is looming more than ever. more than ever i just want to be with her and i know that that is precisely what i WON'T be able to do for a freakin 14 months. :( but in the long run i feel like it will be a good thing. as impossibly difficult as it will be at first and probably to the day she comes home. i wan t
(written 6-1-09)
my love sitting next to me so genuine and real
soon to be genuinely far far away.
you make my day. everyday. can you
do that from Seoul?
i want so much more -- maybe it's good you
are gone. make me appreciate what i had.
make me grateful for what i'm to be given
whether "good" or "bad" since He tells me
what those are anyway.
but as for you -- i just want to be w/ you forever please. thanks.
-----
you rest your forehead
on my collarbone
like listening to my throat.
i have my hand on your
side, it is warm.
the breath i slowly
inhale
is full of layers of
you.
flooding the memories
like no words can
and i know that this
too is a moment
-- in time -- in
space -- precious
and enviable; for
soon i shall not hear
your voice, the
weakening laughter
soon, the lingering
tingle of your hand
on my face will
fade
yet. an increasing
assurance of your
love, albeit no tickling
or cuddling transpires
shall convince me that
we are meant to be
_______1._________

a hard rock to one, to another -- beauty.
with so many faces it catches all light
pretty from all sides all angles to sell.
but it still feels like a rock regardless the duty.
and inside, no sun to shine forth with might
producing nothing at all. not even a smell.
but she. she hugs my nose like a warm flower
she has a Light inside her that glows
she feels like the ocean, like Aphrodite
she too is so pretty from all sides, dangerous power
she catches it, reflects it, walks in it, requires no pose
some say a diamond, but to me, she is beauty.

in the song
of all songs:
chapter 4
verse 7

THAT is what i want to say
to tell you
to tell the world
to impress upon you.

well
until
i
come
up
with
something
better/moremeaningful/moreALMOSTworthyou
i'll
just
say
ILOVEYOUSOMUCH

[and have things to tell you, and to show you, and ways to grow with you, and a God-given life-span to do it in.]

please understand me.
please communicate me.

skype.
it's like the friend who lingers on.
the third wheel slightly relied on.
we speak through space waves
instantly not taking many days.
but oh, what a bittersweet friend!
such a help or hurt based on the end.
i look through skype's eyes to yours
from which a small trickle pours
and though your head is now blocks
skype still finds a way and mocks
by making the tears distinctly smooth
so horribly cruel since i lose
all ability to comfort or encourage
and must instead turn the page
and wait for you to recover. like lag.
since all i can do is wipe with a rag
the part of the screen shining your smile
and push the dirt to the corners in a pile.
skype brings us so close but also
retains a questionably false hope.
sometimes emphasizes the distance
other times hides and listens
but however much skype helps me
i'll be glad to be free
free to wipe away tears
free to wipe away dirt
free to love you
free to not be alone.

ok, i'm ready for normalcy.
two weeks is too long,
two months is ridiculous.
right as we need to work things out
right as things are all pressing
this, then that, then this again.
and i've been rationalizing,
reschedulizing, and pushing-asiding.
i've avoided learning from it
i've avoided God's lessons relating to it
so how can i expect to move forward?

Lord would you help me see?
could You help me to be changing
is it too late to start truly seeking.

i am still tired but ready
ready to serve on my own
from scratch if need be,
please provide me with necessities.

i see so many opportunities
and i'm lost within my own naivety.
i trust that You will properly place me
my faith grows daily, please confirm it.
i want to tell my story of You.

Such has been the spirit in which we have sometimes turned on the powerful sins which have asserted their mastery over us. WE have seen the ruin to which they were bringing us, we have winced at the shame and indignation which they were causing to others, we have felt insulted and outraged in any lingering sense of honour and nobility that may have escaped the general wreck, and we have turned on our tormentors. We have signed the pledge against the use of intoxicants, we have taken a solemn oath never more to yield to our besetting sin, we have vowed that we will be free. But within a month we have been back in the old state. It has not gone better with us than with Israel, for this battle is not to the strong, nor this race to the swift.

~Meyers, F. B.

Unanswered yet? Faith cannot be unanswered,
Her feet were firmly planted on the Rock;
Amid the wildest storms she stands undaunted,
Nor quails before the loudest thundershock.
She knows Omnipotence has heard her prayer,
And cries "It shall be done" sometime, somewhere.

~Browning

is this how far we've come?
from reading and dying and loving
to not even caring to try for appreciation.
apparently i've gone backwards in her eye.
has my love become commonplace.
reached a perceptivity threshold
the amount of love must be ever increasing
so that she can tell it's still there at all?
~yet she knows more than she thinks she does~
she says she doesn't know me.
because i don't respond as she thinks i should
so she thinks she is doing everything wrong
so she thinks i don't love all that she does
?..?..?
maybe i honestly haven't figured
out how to express much genuine
thanks over the airwaves.
maybe i didn't know that spoken
thanks was not enough
proof that i loved everything.
~yes she still knows more than she thinks she does~
the best i've ever done is not notice
just pass over her attempts?
this hurts more than her not noticing
me at all, so long ago.
this hurts worse than the game the man
the untimely death the no way.
then she only passed over me
now she knows so much of me
and passes over my attempts to affirm her.

she doesn't thank me for the jos
yes i'm expected to thank her for
a gift that had an unfortunate fate?
i've always done my best to praise her
for sharing and for being honest
but apparently all i've ever done is
"nothing but silence from him in return. no words come from his lips to lift me back up. nothing. quiet."
she hates me for putting her life
before her love for me.
in an ideal world no one would
require sustenance for living
nothing but love.
but here she must eat
to stay alive and yet
she hates me for wanting
that for her.
i pray that she will be able to believe me when i tell her how much it means to me that she is actually eating again.
~yet she knows more than she thinks she does~
she sees that i love my sister.
oh good. at least i know that i'm loving someone correctly.
where IS that line precious?
to love you like i do her brings us too far.
i am barely surviving the distance as it is
any more intense emotion and i'd be gone.
it's the family first and until then i'd rather
play it safe and trust that
God will provide what you
can't receive from me.
~do you know more now that you thought you did~
do you realize
that you are still here
that i am still here
that we are still working things out
do you realize
that you have the most beautiful face. (partial credit to the flaming lips. full credit to God)
do you realize
that we are so close to each other that something this small causes the relationship to rock and move?
i think that as long as we understand that we'll have misunderstandings are are committed to working them out,
this is the best news yet: we are affected by little things in between us, we realize the need for intimacy and are unsettled when that is not full and complete.
praise to the Lord the Almighty
for sustaining us.
and please,
keep letting me in.
and please,
you're gonna have to be patient with me.

What can I give you since you
won't take my heart??
What can I show you proving
love from the start??

1. especially be aware that i blindly think that everyone else should think she’s just as cool as i do.

2. just treating you to a different smile. Variety makes the world go round…right? (does this one affect #23?)

3. true. Brilliant insight. Story to go along with: I see it as that nasty trick where you trick someone into holding a bowl of water against the ceiling with a broomstick and then laugh as no one else takes it from them so that have to keep standing there or else the bowl will fall. Kids are bowls of water to me. That’s why I say I hate broomsticks. Wait, I’m confused now.

4. you forgot pig liver. And I would at least try kimchi, especially if you like it and say it has good spices on it. Oh, and hard cookies, if you make them.

5. another truly inspired connection with the ironic hate of feet love of shoes. Or IS is ironic?

6. true.

7. could this be compared to winning the lottery? Not good at writing songs nor winning the lottery, but when he does either, it’s great!! Ha…

8. true.

9. true.

10. thank you Heidi.

11. i’m sorry Heidi. (with respect to lost skype time that you might have in the back
of your mind with this one)

12. denial.

13. true. But another ironic one. At least when it comes to YOUR hair and … uh, well,
you know.

14. or perhaps even die regretting it.

15. the desert must be dustier and the snow whiter.

16. you got me.

17. unless you speak of a Korean crowd. In which case I might get randomly hugged!!
18. denial.

19. true. Just ask jesi the cheater.

20. *forgets how to read and write and type*

21. denial. *hidden smirk*

22. and yet somehow you make me go ever so weak at the knees.

23. and never have I met a lady so OVERLY-deserving of every ounce of it. And I despair as I look at you and then see the many gallons I have spilt on the ground. And grimace as I allow God to put lotion on my rough spots. The back of my hand may be smooth but I still have large calluses on my palms.

~~heidi, so thoughtful, so flattering, so gracious of you. My heart WAS moved (emphasis because of my words about male emotion) and I thank you for your words. I pray for you and our relationship, asking God to lead our hearts correctly.

With hope that I write more soon,

Truly yours.

"changes" ~ david bowie

Still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets and
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the strange
(Ch-ch-Changes)
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the strange
(Ch-ch-Changes)
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

"Your love is strong" ~ jon foreman

Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons
.
.

my love sitting next to me so genuine and real
soon to be genuinely far far away
you make my day. everyday. can you
do that from seoul?
i want so much more―maybe it’s good you
are gone. make me appreciate what i had.
make me grateful for what i’m to be given
whether “good” or “bad” since He tells me
what those are anyway.
but as for you―i just want to be with you forever.

[happy anniversary, precious, you mean so much to me.]
.
. one year ago

what manner, what mode shall my love for you take?
shall it be tall as the mountains, high above the seas?
shall it be steady as the streams, flowing through the trees?
what passion, what need shall my love for you wake?
shall it be fierce as the grizzly’s, departing his cave?
shall it be full as the geese, flying wind, like wave?
what virtue, what fruit shall my love for you make?
shall it be shielding as the mum, protecting her children?
shall it be smart as the beaver, relentlessly building?
what manner, what mode shall my love for you take?
it shall be true as the sunrise, warmth given all days.
it shall be firm as the earth, unmoved by life’s ways.


[as much as i wish, this is not my love all the time. turn to Him when i fail. turn to Him before i fail. i'm still being worked on.]

i just can’t wrap my head around the fact
you’re leaving. gone. for bad. for 1 whole year.
for months i’ll think of what this goodbye lacked
i’ll want it back―i’ll want you back, my dear
there’s never time, nor strength. for all my words
so hug, hug tight, hug long, and talk in ’10
till then it’s skype, and everything’s the LORD’s
to Him i dedicate my pad and pen
since He directs this 12-month play on stage
and we, in love, must still obey His Word
which we must trust before He’ll turn the page
to show it’s not just “us” we love the LORD.
the steps that bring us here are difficult,
but heidi, precious, trust. our love will float.

can love endure pain.
pain is what makes love.
can love endure distance.
distance distorts love.
distance brings pain.
distance brings longing.

what does longing do to love?

...can you make the sun go up? can you make the sun go down?
can you make the moon go up? you make my world go round.
your laugh means you’re/makes me happy. your silence destroys.
the city light glow and twinkle; like my heart and your eyes.
the world is a world of problems
to me you are the beautiful one, the worthwhile one, the one...

believe me when i say that “sticking through it” is the wrong terminology. i’d choose something more like “laughing through it” or “loving more and more because of.” monday? monday?? the usual, the usual that is so special, the u that i have come to love, the us that makes me smile, the usual that makes me wish every day all day was all you.
but right now, on the eve AFTER your graduation, things are not working out, stupid room check again. *disgusted laugh* i am sorry you are hurt and overwhelmed and spirit slightly crushed. i’m thinking of sleeping beauty when the godmothers wave their wands to clean the house. how about i just pray for you? and pray for this summer. and next year. and…
…shoombalata.

But you’re so busy changing the world
Just one smile and you can change all of mine
We share the same soul
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh
.
.

as much as i'd like to "blame" my schedule,
as much as i'd like to "blame" lack of sleep,
as much as i'd like to "blame" stupid stomach,
i must say, babe, it is you.
i can't speak.
congrats. i can find no words. not even to write,
the ones that have been coming in the last week and change
are simply inadequate.
you'd think it's just your hand but it's so much more--
you're trusting me
~
your hand, so perfect and small, returning my squeeze
as you wink at my gaze. and though i still worry
a lot, much more than i should, about our hopeful
future together, can't help but remember where we
were a year and a half ago. incredulously...how did we
get here? we don't even know. keep in prayer, submit
to the LORD. if lacking mutual submission, our future
will fail, since stride for stride we must match Him.
LORD God set our path--provide.