Amy Brown
Posts
this past fall, i finally decided it would be okay to assume that whatever my mom was calling me about was not really that important and go about my business for awhile before calling her back.
she had totaled her car. the only time i’ve ignored her “IMPORTANT, CALL ME NOW” communications was the one time she actually had something important to tell me (thank god she wasn’t hurt at all or i would’ve felt even worse).
she emailed me to tell me to call her because it was IMPORTANT.
she answers the phone with, “we should get thai food this weekend.”
English, motherfucker, do you speak it?
1. Hang a series of three positive, fairly ambiguous words that start with the same letter, molded in a font embellished with flowers. (E.g. live, love laugh; fun, family, friendship)
2. Take a picture of you and your friends in the bean sculpture in Chicago. Post as timeline banner.
3. Score an unpaid internship at an ad agency/PR firm that allows you to use the company account to tweet about your caffeine intake and antioxidant routine.
4. Switch your hair color from “deep chestnut” to “deep maple.”
5. Passionately plea for your family and friends to bankroll a “service trip” to Haiti/South Africa/Brazil, then return with 3,000 photos of you in cute outfits on the balcony of your four-star hotel.
6. Marry the first non-alcoholic, average-looking guy who dates you for longer than a year.
7. Caption company party photos “me and some of my besties!”
8. Get a dog who weighs less than 10 pounds, keep her for two weeks until she eats the coach purse you got for your sweet 16, then send her to mom’s house.
9. Find a pretty picture of flowers using Google image search. Post as timeline banner.
10. Convince yourself the retail sales job you’ve been working since you graduated college two years ago is just “a segue into buying.”
i tweeted a tweet about how rihanna can’t sing and it’s potentially the most popular thing i’ve ever said on the internet.
I AM SO EXCITED TO GO FOR THE SOLE FACT THAT I AM WAY BETTER LOOKING NOW THAN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, ESPECIALLY NOW THAT ALL THE HOT GIRLS HAD BABIES.
i’m thinking about printing it out, fixing all the errors, and sending it to them. maybe i’ll quit okcupid and this will be my new hobby.
SERIOUSLY, THERE’S A GRAMMATICAL ERROR IN THE HEADLINE.
be proud of me: i almost told an acquaintance to fuck right off on facebook today, but instead i “cool story bro”-ed her.
strictly 4 trolling. i even put that i’m “seeing someone” and looking for “friends” (because “looking to ostracize creepy weirdos” wasn’t an option).
I JUST NEEDED A HOBBY.
and basically: rape fantasies. he has them.
