Amy Brown
Posts
SHE IS VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE AND I THINK HER CAPS LOCK KEY MIGHT BE BROKEN
today in “we’re all going to hell” - explaining the concept of marital rape to some kid from my high school.
- friend: i never want to see him again
- me: because he dry humped you? i assume that's not the whole story.
in other news: everything is awful and we’re all going to hell.
(since two people probably know what i’m referring to, it’s this. one person stepped up in this conversation and was like “slut-shaming is bad guys”. one. i don’t want to live on this planet anymore.)
i’d like to think she’d be proud of me, but i’m sure she’d probably say:
an online marketing firm? does that have something to do with the twitter? it sounds like you made it up.
jk my cousin just got arrested last month for trying to outrun the cops, so i’m sure she’d be proud of me by default.
(just kidding. i miss you grandma. thanks for digging my tattoos.)
KRISTEN: So the day of my birthday we’re sitting in the living room and we hear a knock at the door, and he [Dax] says, “Your present’s here, why don’t you go grab the dogs and go in the back room.” And I had no context for knowing what it was. But I grab the dogs, walk into the back room of the house, and I was immediately overcome and I thought there’s a sloth here. There’s a sloth here, it’s close, it’s gonna happen! And I didn’t know how to process that because my entire life had been waiting for this moment where I would get to interact - I’m serious! - with a sloth. And I, first thing you should know about me: if I’m not between a 3 and a 7 on the emotional scale, I’m crying. If it’s too sad, if I’m too excited. Always. […] So I am sitting on my bed knowing that a sloth is here. I start to have a full-fledged panic attack. I don’t know how to compete with all this emotion so I just kind of crawl up on the bed and I’m crying so hard and Dax knocks on the door and he has a video camera like, “SURPRISE! I want you to come out into the — are you alright?!” And sees me basically fetal on the bed.
ELLEN: I think you brought a little footage of that, I cannot wait to see it.
KRISTEN: I did. It’s worth watching ‘cause it’s embarrassing, so we can take a look.
