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Helen Pham

Posts

  • February 28, 10:47 PM

    Cleaning out my inbox, I found a text from someone who was a “close friend” since 8th grade until he decided that it was pointless to hang out now since “we’re going our separate ways for college.” God, it felt like a break up but instead of the 5 stages, I just went straight to anger. If I knew he was gonna cop out in the end I wished I didn’t spend so much effort/money on him. And holy fuck, get this. Then. Then. Bitch thought he was the most cutting-edge shit in the universe and just HAD to send me this gem right after. Sarcasm. Right. My eyes rolled so far back into my head when I read that I almost began to seize.

    Girl, bye.

  • February 27, 11:26 PM

    wamiv:

    I caribou(t) you.

    ^ Making me something like this is yet another way to get me naked.

  • February 27, 10:52 PM

    If Demi Lovato showed up at my door carring a pepperoni pizza,

    yougottalivetoparty:

    IDK which one I’d eat first.

  • February 26, 08:23 PM

    "One more day and I would have ran out of clean underwear."

    • Wan: It's Friday night. I AM FREE.
    • Helen: Tough week huh?
    • Wan: Fuck, you have no idea. There are days when I can't even shower.
    • Helen: But at least you're finally free to shower now.
    • Wan: Yeah I just did.
    • Wan: Feels fucking awesome.
  • February 25, 02:15 AM
    “Maybe if I sit here long enough I will become part of the internet and never have to do anything else again.”
    fff8e7
  • February 24, 10:30 PM

    pleasedontsqueezetheshaman:

    Kill me once, shame on me. Kill three people and injure 20 since the 1970s, Shamu.

  • February 24, 01:00 PM
  • February 20, 11:50 PM

    (via solaravada)

  • February 20, 04:50 PM

    (via bringtheruckuss)

  • February 18, 12:31 AM

    I never caught on when it comes to giving compliments.

    doubledoors:

    “Oh, hey John…I really like that shirt.”
    “Thanks, I like your ass.”

  • February 16, 09:16 PM

    Should've worn a scarf.

    • Merek: Dude do you like BBQ chips? The Lays kind?
    • Helen: No. Why?
    • Merek: Cause they're HICKory flavored.
    • Helen: Hahaha.
    • Merek: I'm gonna tell that joke to EVERYBODY.
    • Helen: NO DON'T.
    • Merek: Why not, will it cause a HICKup in the image you have? HAHAHAHA.
    • Helen: ._.
  • February 16, 01:49 AM

    After hiding it for a week, I'm finally showing my report card to my dad tomorrow.

    It was nice knowing you all.

  • February 15, 05:41 PM

    Presidents Day makes my Lyndon B. Johnson Warren G. Harding.

    (via pterodactyls)

  • February 14, 10:30 PM

    Winter Formal

    • Jay: Yeah, I saw a lot of nasty on the floor.
    • Jay: I was pushing my way out of the dance, pulling Alyssa along, and passed this chick who was getting super freaky.
    • Jay: She was dancing so low to the ground that she fell over because she was so imbalanced.
    • Jay: It was like cow tipping.
  • February 12, 01:08 AM

    glorigloriglori-:

    I can listen to this instrumental forever.

  • February 11, 02:35 AM

    (via almostnever)

  • February 10, 02:13 AM

    (via holyflaps)

  • February 08, 04:33 AM
    “If you’re not getting happier as you grow older, you’re fucking up.”
    Ani DiFranco (via drinkyourjuice)
  • February 07, 04:08 PM

    Just found out it was Super Bowl Sunday

    benjaminryancossum:

    My Dad just asked me if I wanted to order some pizza. So I asked what the occasion was. Then he told me about this thing called the Super Bowl happening today. I told him I would eat that pizza.

  • February 06, 10:00 PM

    Shit guys

    extrafirmhold:

    It’s called “doppelganger week.” Not “celebrities that are way more attractive than you week.”

  • February 03, 02:49 AM

    Someone brought on their A-game tonight.

  • January 30, 09:31 PM

    So this happened today.

  • January 30, 04:24 AM

    • (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
    • (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
    • (205): This explains so much.
  • January 30, 02:40 AM

    (via crookedhead)

  • January 30, 02:14 AM

    mykicks:

    I was really excited about this until I found out it was soap and not a cookies & cream candy bar.

    I don’t know what to say now.

  • January 28, 12:09 AM

    I hate having to compete with a friend for the same guy.

    • Justin: I was getting ready to take a shower but I thought I should try to get you to stop talking to Jeff first.
    • Helen: Don't you dare think about him while in there.
    • Justin: I have a picture of his abs in my shower.
    • Helen: Goddamnit.
  • January 27, 01:46 AM
    “I’m gonna go get drunk now. Expect a drunk text from me :] Love you.”
    How everyone should say their goodbyes to me.
  • January 24, 05:43 AM

    (via fuckyeahsubs)

  • January 24, 05:28 AM

    (via bathroomwindow)

  • January 24, 05:10 AM

    • soomeaty: moans
    • dogcmp6: what
    • soomeaty: wrong box
  • January 23, 08:50 PM

    Ricky’s in it to win it, bitches.

  • January 22, 06:32 AM

    Conan's final show is tomorrow.

    Jesus, take the wheel.

  • January 20, 11:07 PM

    My dad's second year of owning a laptop.

    • Dad: Can you get rid of this? (Points to the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button on Google)
    • Helen: ...What?
    • Dad: I didn't have this before!
    • Helen: Oh. (Changes his homepage from Google to the Mozilla Firefox Start Page)
    • Dad: (Notices the button missing) Yeah! It's working faster already, I can tell!
    • Helen: No. That button had absolutely nothing to do with your browser's speed.
    • Dad: NO. I'm pretty sure it was that button.
    • Helen: ._.
  • January 20, 01:00 PM

    The Situ-asian.

  • January 20, 12:38 AM

    Man, I sure hope that this letter finds him.

  • January 19, 12:09 AM

    fuckyeahcrit:

    Last week Conan put The Tonight Show on Craigslist.

    He has now put himself on there. In the casual encounters section.

  • January 17, 10:46 PM

    Goddamn, this tumblr might as well be called "Jeff and Coco."

    BECAUSE THAT IS ALL I EVER TALK ABOUT ANYWAYS.

  • January 17, 10:38 PM

    Yesterday he dropped off Starbucks, today he drops off Ten Ren's.

    At this rate, I don’t think my bladder can handle it.

  • January 16, 11:03 PM

    The stars have aligned and I must’ve pleased the Gods or some shit because the cosmic universe has obviously been working in my favor.

  • January 15, 09:58 PM

    I am coming after you, Leno.

    This means two things:

    • Conan’s final shows will likely have the most amazing guests.
    • People will visit The Tonight Show once Leno takes over and burn him in effigy.

    Both events need to be graced by my presence.

  • January 15, 09:03 PM

    (via ginagomez)

  • January 14, 11:56 PM
    “Jeff Zucker is the Cheney of television, shooting shows in the face.”
    Jon Stewart
  • January 14, 11:09 PM

    I really need to see Conan in the flesh again before he gets shitcanned by NBC.

  • January 14, 09:14 PM

    fizzzzy:

    Team Coco

  • January 14, 07:51 PM

    I think that there may be a small teensy tiny chance that I quite possibly may perhaps really like someone.

    Maybe, I don’t know, whatever.

    Update: That sounded really lame, so I’m just gonna express this more eloquently and say that he gives me raging boners.

  • January 10, 10:18 PM

    noahkalina:

    Terry Richardson has a tumblr.

  • January 10, 04:23 AM

    Aziz Ansari on The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.

    You didn’t think I was gonna count that sheet!?

  • January 09, 07:00 PM
    “If amazing was a young bitch, I’m going to jail cause I’m fucking amazing.”
    chelseakinne
  • January 09, 02:37 AM

    HEY I THINK I'M FALLING FOR YOU. LET'S HOLD HANDS.

    ＼（＾∇＾）メ（＾∇＾）／

  • January 08, 10:52 PM

    Leno needs to retire, good god.

    brb waging a holy war on NBC~

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